I feel much better. Maybe I needed the reminder of how beyond aid I am. I got the message loud and clear. I cannot fix me, you cannot fix me, and guess what? AA cannot fix me. God can fix me. AA can show me how to ask God for help, and I am eternally grateful for that.
In the midst of this crisis, I managed to have a semi-normal conversation with my sober daughter. I didn't tell her the extent of my misery, just a fraction of it. She had just gone to a funeral of a old friend who had suicided, she didn't need to hear about me. At the funeral, she ran into many of her "old" friends. She got to make amends to some people she thought she would never see again. She got to talk to other people she thought she would never see again.
And she had a haunting experience I have had many times over the years. These people were remembering events of her life that she had absolutely no memory of. It is a very disconcerting feeling. I have had it many times. I asked her to concentrate on the fact that the people were happy to see her and not cussing her out for unknown reasons. That would be even worse.
I believe this screwed up memory wiring goes far beyond cellular damage due to alcohol (or in her case other chemicals as well), but can be attributed to the damage done by trauma. Trauma messes with a person in ways that creep up on you in the night - and in the day. Just when you think you are over it, there it is - whap! in the face! And the lack of memory of your own life is one feature, a disconcerting one.
That's my contribution to Halloween. Creepy damage done by a living a weird life. Most of the time in my life there is little evidence... but some times it just sneaks right up and smacks me one.
Happy Halloween everyone. And thank you again.