It's been so long, I had to go through an array of potential passwords until I arrived at the one that would even get me in!
In the last year or 14 months, whatever it's been since I've been here: I have been through the worst depression of my life. This is an oversimplification of course, but when I surrendered to it, it sort of went away. Sound familiar? It's not totally gone, because I always have an underlying depression, but it is at bay.
In April of this year, I surrendered to the fact that I had a horrifying job - and decided to retire. I planned that for a week I think. Then I got a phone call offering me a job I have wanted, back at the hospital where I worked for over 17 years, doing a job I am qualified to do and love. How awesome is that? I started in July. Now it just seems normal. I think about that 17 months on the other job now and it seems like a nightmare I had. Over.
I was telling a friend from work about these experiences last week. She said "Mary, you went through all of this and didn't have a drink???" I never even thought about it until that moment. No, I never had a drink. I never thought of a drink. This is the grace of God in action, because the grace of Mary would have me drunkety-drunk-drunk.
I was so depressed, I could not write this blog. I was struggling to survive, I had no energy to give this. I especially wanted to abandon it because of the creepazoid comments it garners. They have always hurt me. I know it is ridiculous, but that is who I am. Of course, I still get them, because left unattended, this blog still gets about 50 hits a day. It comes up in searches a lot. In fact, over the last year, it has come up in searches I myself have done - when the last thing I wanted to read was more of ME!
Realizing I may have a few more words to write about Alcoholics Anonymous, sobriety, the higher power of AA, and the people of AA. They are all taking a beating on the internet. I read the critiques and think - yeah, you might have a point, but do you have a better idea? Of course, they do. We all had our better ideas, before we were on death's door and surrendered. But the critics don't like that word either. Surrender, that's for a bunch of losers. Surrender is not that horrible for a hopeless alcoholic.
Can you imagine showing up at the oncology clinic, having been diagnosed with cancer, and leaving because:
- the receptionist was snotty
- the doctor is a hypocrite - his BMI may be >25!
- there are a bunch of sick losers in the waiting room
- Who are they to tell ME what to do?
I have been driving 37 miles every Sunday morning to go to my home group, full of people I sobered up with, those sober longer, and those sober shorter. It is a democratic group, there is no hierarchy of length of sobriety, or any other factors. It is a loving group, but be prepared for someone to tell you you are full of shit if you are. We tell the truth. We do not sweet-talk drunks into their graves.
In the other groups around town, I hear them frequently say "we don't shoot our wounded." No, we tell them to "keep coming back," offering no solution, and giving them permission to go out and drink as if there is a guarantee they won't die and will be able to come back. We go to their funerals and cry, rather than hurt their feelings for five minutes by telling the truth. That is not any kind of love I want!
I celebrated my 29th Anniversary at my home group on July 24. In that group no one lionizes long-term-sobriety. We are grateful for our own, and we are grateful for our friends'. It is good.
Ok, I guess I had some more to say on this blog. Not sure if I will keep it up as I did before, but maybe I will come by from time to time... not sure.