Being Sober

Just a little note

2012-01-27T05:12:00.001-07:00

There's my bus stop! Exciting, huh?

Last night I was much too tired to write. After I posted, I sat down to watch American Idol, but the phone rang. A dear friend who is not alcoholic is dealing with a friend who IS an alcoholic and sounds like she is working on suicide by alcohol. My poor friend has never been through anything like this.

At the end of the conversation, I told her she could consider how fortunate she is because most people have a family member or spouse or other close person who is an alcoholic and deal with this all the time. She couldn't imagine what that would be like. She said she has never been so angry in her life - and I believe it.

I shared some of my experience. But really, I have so many experiences, I barely know which one to pick. Growing up as the child of an alcoholic? Marrying one? Being one? Being in love with one, or two? The most recent experience was being engaged to a man I met in AA who ended up drinking again. Obviously, we did not marry. But I have never had such a wonderful relationship - until the day he drank.... and then it was over, but it took me a year to realize it. Two weeks ago after a meeting of my home group, I found out he is still alive, in terribly bad shape, still drinking.... but then the clincher - "he still asks about you and talks about you all the time." Oh my goodness. I loved him so much. But that is over and done with.

Here's the thing if you are trying to recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body - you just move on. If you're tired, if you're hurt, if your life is wonderful, if it falls apart - you just do what you have learned you need to do to stay sober. I never want to look back so long that I lose my forward motion.

It's a wonderful week in my life. I have so many wonderful things going on. But I have to say, it is a bit overwhelming. I have had moments of fear - will I be able to do this new job? Am I too old? Is my brain still sharp enough to do this? Do I have the stamina? Because this is tiring! But I have a couple of mantras, and I am repeating them as needed - e.g., I was hand-picked by people who know me to do this job, I am excited about this job, and that God is in charge and even if it falls apart, I will be OK.

So, I'll step out there again today. And know that God is with me, holding me in the palm of his hand. I will likely stay sober all day today and I hope you all do too.

Beyond Tired

2012-01-26T18:56:00.001-07:00

I took that photo on the way to the bus after work and I think it looks just like I feel. Bleary eyed and ridiculously tired. I could not sleep last night because I was so excited about my new job - I think I slept two hours all night. I don't operate well on anything less than 8 - but 9 is better. Two does not work - at all.

So, I am sitting in my chair, with the fireplace warming me. I will watch American Idol and go to bed.

I'm sorry I have no words of anything remotely resembling wisdom tonight. I am plum tuckered.

I am very happy that tomorrow is Friday and I shall have a weekend to do fun stuff - like sleep. I totally wore myself out getting things finished at my old job. I wish I could have taken a few days off between jobs. But I will have a weekend to get restored.

Good night moon.

And thank you God for another day of sobriety.

The First Day

2012-01-25T20:38:00.001-07:00

What a day! My first day on a new job. I kept thinking - this is so weird. I don't know anyone and I don't know my way around. I don't know anything! I would say that felt good about 85% of the time. It is rather uncomfortable too. But I relish the discomfort because it means I am out of the rut I was in.

The job is going to be challenging, but I knew that going in. That will be good too.

Last weekend I told my friends at the running club about the new job... and discovered then that one of my friends from the club lives directly across the street from my new building! I called her at lunch time and asked her if she could get away (she works from home) for lunch. We went to a wonderful middle eastern restaurant just around the corner. It was excellent food and it was nice to see my friend.

There are many more stories to tell, but I am cross-eyed, I am so tired. I must go to bed.

I am so grateful to be starting a new and exciting job. I find it exciting to be downtown. I even like riding the bus.

I will put my head on the pillow in a matter of minutes and before I go to sleep, I will thank God for another blessed day of sobriety. It is truly amazing what can happen in a sober life.

I'm Movin' On

2012-01-24T20:10:00.005-07:00

I finished up and left my job today. One of my last tasks was to change my outgoing voice message to something that says I don't work there anymore. It kind of took my breathe away to say that. But I did manage to walk out the door without a tear. As I drove away, I did cry.

That place was very very good to me. I started there, just 10 years sober, 3 weeks before my divorce. I had a 17 year old son in the Army and twin 15 year old daughters. On my first day, I was supposed to be in court with my alcoholic daughter. I did not show up. I never missed any work to participate in her drama. Only one time did I leave work early after she called me desperately asking for my help. This was never part of her game, so I responded and found her at the parents of one of her friends - she was covered in the sores that tweakers get and absolutely out of her mind. She had been in California and came home with the numbers "5150" tattooed across her abdomen. And I mean ACROSS her abdomen.

I can't catalog all of the things that happened to me in my career there. But I know I arrived there on a September morning in 1994, more grateful than words can say for a job as an Administrative Assistant. I was 42 years old. I started school at 43, and had my master's degree at 50. I got many promotions for my first seven years, and then have been in the same job for the last ten.

So, now I will go somewhere where no one ever saw me as an Administrative Assistant. They only know that I come to them with an extremely good pedigree for the job. And I can remind myself that I was hand-picked for this job. This is so far from where I came from, it is unbelievable.

I was copied on an e-mail today from my new boss. It was introducing me to the divisions I will be working with. It was so nice and gave me such a warm feeling of welcome.

So, I am absolutely exhausted. I need to get to bed so that I can get a good night's sleep before my first day on the new job.

I got to talk with a friend several times over the last 24 hours - she has an alcoholic friend who seems to be drinking herself to death. I encouraged her to call the police to do a wellness check when the friend stopped responding to phone calls and texts. The police said she was just sitting at home, drunk. But that she did not appear to be a danger to self or gravely disabled - so they could not force her into treatment. My friend has no experience with alcoholics, so she has been talking to me. I am always astounded at how very self-centered we are when we are in the disease. I feel bad for my friend. It is so difficult to go through this crap.

So, I will lay my head on my pillow tonight and thank God from the bottom of my heart.

I am sober
I am alive and healthy
I have a brand new start tomorrow.

This is so good!

My Last Day

2012-01-24T06:10:00.003-07:00

Today is my last day at the place I have been going to for the last seventeen and a half years. I feel good about that. What I don't feel good about is the amount of work I still have to get done. I have Governing Body this morning - where I am giving two presentations. This afternoon, I am orienting someone to be able to find the things they will need when the Joint Commission comes. In other words, I will be dragging out of there when it is dark outside and I am exhausted.

I start my new job tomorrow - YAY! I really do wish I could have had a couple of days between jobs, but I couldn't. On my first day at the new job, there is a big meeting in the afternoon. I talked with my new boss yesterday and told her I had a strange and somewhat awkward question to ask her. "Do I need to wear a suit to this meeting?" And when she paused, I knew the answer. She said "well, not really a suit, but you do need to have a jacket on..." I thought of the four suits in my closet that I really can't wear comfortably right now - I have been stress eating for a month or so now and it is not pretty. I thought of the one that IS comfortable and I hate. I don't have a jacket that doesn't belong to a suit. I don't have a jacket that is comfortable.

So, guess what I did? You are right, I went shopping. I went to a store that I knew was having a huge sale. And I got $980. worth of clothing (if you believe that the first price on the tag what it's worth) for $266. Three jackets and four blouses. I counted the pairs of black pants in my closet last week - 10 pairs. I have two black skirts. One grey skirt. A couple of skirts with prints on them. Three pairs of brown pants. Two grey pairs of pants. Etc. I bought a pair of "downtown" shoes last week. They are flat but fancy!

So I have something new to wear to Governing Body this morning. And something new for my first day of my new job. And I got a manicure over the weekend with "gel" polish - which looks great and is supposed to last for 3 weeks!

I love wearing new clothes and it really does help me feel more confident.

My father was a bit of a clothes horse and used to stress to us kids that we had to "wear the uniform." And that meant that you needed to dress appropriately for the occasion. If it was a job interview for a suit kind of job, you wore a suit. If it was a casual occasion, you wore casual clothes. He stressed that there was no reason to start out a situation with a strike against you just because you aren't dressed properly.

Oh, I am a bit of a fanatic, I know that. But I do know myself and know that this is how I am.

Thanks for listening to this bit of fluff about clothes. It is easier to think about that than how momentous this day is.

Please God, be with me today and help me to be an asset wherever you take me. I think that will probably involve me staying sober all day today and I hope you too.

Downstream Effects

2012-01-23T06:37:00.000-07:00

It is morning, I am going to try to "catch" my new bus, but not actually get on it this morning, just to see how this is going to work. So, I have just a few moments to post this. Of course, I could be on the treadmill instead, but who has time to work out?

Yesterday I heard the fifth step of a woman who has been sober for over six years. I have only sponsored her for about a year. This was a specific 4th step about some pretty intense and overwhelming resentments. We did what we do. When I told her to do the prayers for the people she resented, she asked me what I meant. I told her the prayer on page 67.

We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will not mine be done." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 67

I told her to pray this prayer about each of her resentments. And to do it more than once. To do it all the time.

She said "Oh my God Mary, I have never heard of this before! This helps so much! Thank you!"

She has told me that before. She has never heard of this stuff before.

And I have asked, how can this be? She has been a real member of AA for over 6 years. She has had a sponsor all that time.

And then it occurred to me, her first sponsor was an atheist. She took her through the steps, but I guess she skipped the whole praying part. The whole God part.

What's left when you take out "those parts?" I really don't know.

Now, I know this will raise the hackles of many. But we really can't change the program to avoid raising hackles. The result of that would be to kill many. I would rather raise hackles than be responsible for the alcoholic death of many.

AA asks us to choose our own conception of God. There is a whole chapter in the big book to Agnostics. The writers of the book said "We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the realm of the Spirit if broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe to all men." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 46

I have known many agnostics who have been successfully sober, if they have an open mind. "To those who earnestly seek." There is a big difference between one who is unsure and is earnestly seeking and those who firmly believe there is no God and who are not willing to seek.

I wish them the best, really I do. But I do not know how someone could take another through the steps, carefully avoiding the "God parts." That sounds like swiss cheese with only holes to me.

And I am looking at the result of that with this young woman. Thank God she is sober. But she certainly does not have that inner peace that comes as a result of working these steps - as written.

Thanks for listening....

I plan on staying sober today, and I hope you all do too. By the Grace of God....

Working on my night moves

2012-01-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

I've had it with the winter pictures, I am just going to use photos from last summer for a while, OK? I took this photo during a trail run on a Thursday night last summer with my running group. They were so far ahead of me I never even saw them after the first couple of minutes. I am a slow girl. But better to be slow than to be stopped.

I only have two more days on my job. I need to get used to posting at night. This is going to be a challenge because I am just not the same person at night as I am in the morning.

Don't you love Ed Hochuli? Does anyone other than me even know who Ed Hochuli is? (so this is an example of something that seems apropos at night.)

The boyfriend and I went out for lunch to the same restaurant where we met. When we got there, I realized it was 8 months ago today. We saw a movie - this makes two weeks in a row that I have seen movies that I didn't like. "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" was a ridiculous movie - I have no idea what even happened.

Then I heard a 5th step of a sponsee. Bless her heart. I have never heard a 5th step without falling in love with the person. We get so jammed up with stuff. And the steps really work to unjam all that junk and let God work in our lives.

And once he gets to working, it is amazing what can happen!

Sorry for how disjointed this thing is. I am going to have to learn how to write at night.

Sunday Sunday

2012-01-22T10:27:00.001-07:00

You know, there is just nothing to take pictures of at this time of the year. I flip back through the last year of photos every day when I post something here. The photos start out ugly in January and stay that way for a couple of months. Then there is a bud popping out of the ground - a tulip, a crocus, a daffodil... and in a month or so, there is an explosion of color and life. But for now? It just isn't pretty. Those are last year's shoes... I had to abandon them after just a few miles, my feet hurt so bad. They are my beating around shoes now. I have them on right now as a matter of fact.

What a weekend. I have just been running around non-stop. It is nice. I had a birthday party to attend yesterday afternoon which was super fun. Then I went shopping and bought nothing! There just wasn't anything I want bad enough to pay for right now. I want some new clothes for the new job, but I don't have a real good idea of what I need. I do not want to purchase another suit. I have enough of them and I hate wearing them. I would like to buy some simple dresses that can be dressed up with jewelry, scarves, etc. -- Damn, I just like to dress the way I like to dress! Several people at my going away party made the comment that I "have the wardrobe for downtown." I think that is relative.

This afternoon I am going out for lunch and to a movie with my boyfriend. That should be fun. I hope to have some moments where I am not moving around, darting from here to there. I need that.

And then, this morning I went to a meeting. Had I not been there to meet a sponsee, I would have walked out half way through. There are few things that aggravate me as much as a meeting where the chair refuses to chair and just sits and stares into space when no one will talk. What a waste of time! Oh, I know people love to look "serene," and say they don't have to fill up the silence, but really ! There were new people there. Can't we act like grown ups and either volunteer to talk or have a chair who will take responsibility for moving things along?

I know people say they have never been to a bad meeting, but I am not one of them. My sponsor isn't one of them either. I didn't check my brain at the door to my first meeting. Some of the things we carry on with really contribute to people thinking we are a cultish group of weirdos they want nothing to do with.

It is going to be a good day. I am sober, a bunch of people I love are sober. God is in his heaven, and all is well.

Immoderate Emotions

2012-01-21T05:56:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I went to the Going Away Party for ME! at work. I managed not to cry. Some of you commented yesterday that it would be good for me to cry. You probably have never seen me cry. It is not normally just a tear or two, it is a full-out weep-fest. Once it starts, it gets a life of its own.

I did "mist up" a couple of times. There were a couple of speeches by people I love and respect. They both talked about how much I always had my focus on the safety of patients. If I had thought about what legacy I would have liked to have had - that would have been it. I really never thought about "my legacy." But I always knew my mission there was to make things better/more safe for the patients. I know that line staff tend to think of people in the offices, "the suits," as people who are only thinking of numbers but I never thought ONLY of numbers - only how those affected the patients. I am so gratified to know that this was noticed.

I got some gifts, some extremely touching cards, and we had lots of food. It was very nice. There is a photo that I will treasure forever - the Medical Director has been pouting for 2 weeks, since I gave notice - he couldn't walk into my office without having a little breakdown when he saw the boxes of my belongings all over the place. We stood together at my party and made crying faces. I love him and will miss him very much.

When I ran my first marathon, I was advised by my coach not to allow myself to cry in the last mile or two. Simply because it takes too much energy. I have cried at half-marathons and have felt wiped out and nutty. When you get to the end of a long race you have spent months or years training for, it is extremely emotional. I have crossed finish lines having virtual breakdowns. And I have crossed finish lines with my arms in the air and a smile on my face - and I have to say I would much prefer to finish with my arms in the air and a smile on my face. It is WAY more fun. And although I sometimes think my emotions are out of my control, it really IS my choice how I want to finish a race.

If I look at my job as a marathon that I have spent 17 and a half years running, I know that I am not yet done. I have two more days. I have a lot to get done in 2 days. I cannot possibly allow myself to fall apart at this time. I will have time to cry AFTER I leave. But truly, I think I would rather walk out of there with a smile on my face. Because I do feel good about my career there.

I am going out for the first run of the "spring" session of my running club this morning. I am so happy to be doing something that is not work or relationship related. And then a birthday party this afternoon of a dear friend.

It is going to be a great day. I am grateful I don't have an emotional hangover from yesterday!

"Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133

The kindness of bloggers

2012-01-20T06:32:00.004-07:00

Last night when I got home, I walked across the ice covered street to the mailbox. In my little mailbox was a key for the big mailbox - and I wondered who could have sent me something. When I saw the package, I remembered that another blogger said she would make me a pair of pajamas and mail them to me! I thought the package was rather heavy for a pair of p.j.s, and it was. There were also two pounds of beautiful cheese and a jar of home-tapped organic maple syrup! How wonderful! Thanks to Patty at Calm Acceptance. It is amazing that over the years, just by looking at a computer screen, we get to know each other and care for each other. I am humbled by the generosity.

Today there is a hospital-wide going away party for me. Oh yikes. I am a bit terrified. And grateful. I didn't think they would have a party for me since I am not retiring, just moving on. But they are, and I am glad. That place is such a part of me. I will try not to cry - or at least not cry much. I do not intend to be weeping, with puffy eyes, and snotty nose. I have an image to maintain!

Yesterday I was called into a meeting of hospital management. After I got there, I realized I was there in my new job capacity. Well, I couldn't answer their questions because I am not in my new job yet. I told them that. Who expects someone to be able to do their new job before they even start? And that is one more example of things that have frustrated me over the years in my current job. Current for the next three days.

Gratefully moving on. Stepping into the unknown. For all I know, I will hate my new job. That is the chance you take.

I was sober maybe 4 or 5 years when I saw my one and only Indiana Jones movie. There was a scene in that movie that seemed to me to be the perfect illustration of living when you turn your will and life over to the care of God. I tried to find a video of it, but all the you tubes have other people's analogies pasted all over them.

But this is how I have found life in sobriety from time to time. I just have to step out into the chasm and the bridge appears. Scary, but good. Really, really good.

Thank you God.

Under Pressure

2012-01-19T06:56:00.002-07:00

Those peppers aren't under pressure, but I sure am. I have four days to get everything at work all tied into a neat bow. Every time I try to hand off something, I come back to my office with more work. "Could you just edit that?" "Could you just make this one or two little changes?" Today I am going to say "Good idea, but you will need to find someone else to do it, because I am finished with this project."

Someone I have really disliked at work has asked me to go to lunch today. I told her that although it would have been "nice," I have a million things to do and will be eating at my desk until I leave. If I only have four more days there, I do not want to spend any of my limited social time with someone I don't want to spend any time with.

The local blood bank called and pleaded for some of my blood. I carved out a time after work this evening. I do not have a clue how this happened, but I have some special blood that is in demand for premature infants and immunocompromised adults. Here's a quote from a website: And you have to not test positive for cytomegalovirus (CMV). About 95 percent of the population carries this virus that’s easily suppressed by most adult immune systems. It’d be fatal, though, for a baby in need to receive CMV-positive blood.

So, although I hate it and I am a big chicken when donating, I do donate blood when asked - unless I am close to a big event like a marathon or triathlon. They call me every 50 days or so. Because apparently, I am among the 5% who are negative for this virus.

I better get out of here. I have no great words of wisdom today. I am just "suiting up and showing up" for one more day. There is great value in that because no matter what it looks like, I am sober for one more day, which makes just about anything possible. God is able to do his best work when I am busy doing something else, I think.

So, I plan on staying sober today and I hope you all do too.

I ruined my blog!!!!

2012-01-18T06:40:00.001-07:00

Last night I was fooling around with my blog because I want to have the "reply to comment" feature that Pammie has. I know that she is having problems with her comments, but I haven't had any problem with commenting on her blog. I want that reply thing! And I have no idea how to get it. In the process of trying, I inadvertently changed the design of my blog, which hurt me. I have kept my blog the same for years and years, I loved the starkness of it. I may really play with it now - who knows, tomorrow it may be pink with flowers!

I am knitting the above socks for a friend's birthday. But because of my blog and pictures I have posted here, I realized that I knitted her a pair of green socks for her birthday last year! I thought it was a couple of years ago, but I was perusing last year's posts over the weekend and saw that it was just one year ago. So, I am thinking I am going to purchase her something (like normal people do), and keep these babies for myself. I haven't kept a pair of hand-knitted socks for myself for years now. Of all the things I knit, socks are my favorite.

My boyfriend and I have been having some "growing pains," we have had some very difficult conversations in the last couple of days. Last night I think we resolved these issues. It took me two hours to stop shaking after we got off the phone. At one point while we were talking, I was shaking so badly I could hardly speak. I had to tell him that I was shaking, how embarrassing. I was shocked to be so profoundly shaken by this.

Some things never get easier. But they do get to be possible. And I guess that is the good news. My nature is to walk away rather than have a conversation where I will shake so badly I can hardly speak. Or going back farther, my nature is to apply alcohol and have a rip-roaring conversation that he would never forget!

Yesterday at work, I finally cried about leaving. I went to yet another meeting for the last time. I no longer have to announce that I am leaving, because everyone knows. The committee thanked me for my service over the years - I think it is 13 or 14 years that I have been on the committee - and I have missed maybe 2 or 3 meetings over all those years! I smiled and told them it has been a pleasure, which I really believe. After the meeting, the physician on the committee sent me an e-mail letting me know that she had finished a huge task for me as a going away gift, and she told me that she will miss me terribly. I will miss her too. I do work with some lovely people and I will miss them.

OK, this is enough out of me! Sometimes I mistake my blog for a journal, and I have frequently regretted that. People will know things about me that I consider my deepest darkest thoughts - but then I remember that I have put it out here for all the world to see. But then, I do get to use my blog as a record - when I wonder what happened last year, I do go back to my blog to see. Sometimes I embed little tidbits in cryptic language that only I will know what it means. Just to keep a record.

So, I will step out into the world for another day. Knowing that God is keeping me in the palm of his hand. I may not see or feel that hand, but I know that it is there.

What shall I write when the world is so grey?

2012-01-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

In the dead of winter... there is no color. It is too cold and icy to get outside most days. I did get out on Saturday morning with a friend from my running club - which was on its one week hiatus between winter and "spring" sessions. There are too many "resolutioners" at the gym - I cannot go there until February at the earliest. I feel bound by weather and circumstances. This is when I normally go to the tanning salon. It helps - greatly. But I am not going to buy a membership for a place I will only have access to for one more week - when my life changes as I change jobs. Oh, it just occurred to me that I could purchase a couple day pass... and I think I will. I know it is bad for my skin, but it does wonders for my mood.

Yesterday I went to work to put my head down and seriously get some stuff done. I got some good writing done. It felt good. I got to write about Type I errors as opposed to Type II errors, and hypothesized that Type I errors lead to Type II errors because of Alert Fatigue. How many warning labels do you ignore every day? We have to or we would go mad. The insanity of inserting worries about the dangers of drinking shampoo when we never even considered drinking it! Or, right here on my desk is a tube of foot therapy cream - it warns me "Do not apply in eyes." Really?

I left work feeling wonderful and decided to go to a movie. I left the movie thinking that I should have never quit smoking because I do not want to live long enough to end up like Margaret Thatcher. Why would you take the life of such an exceptional woman (whether or not you agree with her politics) and focus on an old lonely woman with dementia - having conversations with her dead husband? I am so unhappy about that movie!

For an astute reader, you may read the above three paragraphs and say "Seasonal Affective Disorder!" And I would say to you, "BINGO!"

Here is the good news:
I am sober.
I know that my relationship with God cannot be gauged by my "feelings."
I also know that "This too shall pass."
I have been down this road many times and have a pretty good clue about what to do.
I have my quarterly appointment with a therapist this afternoon.
I have a job that gets me out of this house and into a world full of other people.

I will turn my thoughts to others, because in the end, that is the ONLY thing I know that helps me when I am feeling this grey winter feeling. And those "others" can be anyone. It doesn't have to be an alcoholic. There are suffering people where I work too.

Today I will endeavor to stop thinking about ME and how I FEEL and turn to God and my fellows. In gratitude.

Monday Holiday

2012-01-16T09:38:00.001-07:00

Last night my daughter-in-law and granddaughter took me out for dinner - for a late birthday celebration. The man in the photo made my granddaughter scream in terror. Babies are so funny about what they like and dislike - or hate. But her mama and nana were there to hold her and comfort her. Later, she looked at the show at another table - couldn't take her eyes off it - I guess it was safe to watch from a distance.

This morning I went to the 6:30 meeting I have attended for the last 17 years. I have a real love/hate relationship with this group. I told them I am changing jobs and likely won't be back except for a rare occasion. I had a long conversation after the meeting with an old friend. It was nice to talk with him.

Today, though it is a holiday, I am going into work. I have a lot of work to get done before I leave. And I have only 6 work days to get it done. It is good to be doing this. On Friday, I went to a meeting with a list of my active and ongoing projects with my recommendations as to who should take over while they hire someone to replace me. They didn't agree with everything, but I don't care. I did my part. The director of the hospital and my former boss walked out with me when the meeting was over and said "This must be a good feeling." I told him it definitely was.

OK, I am going to get on with this day with gratitude. God has been so good to allow me to be in this day, I think I will show my gratitude by trying to make the best of it.

My Boyfriend's Brother

2012-01-15T11:38:00.000-07:00

I went to a meeting this morning and heard an old friend describing being called to the bedside of another old friend - while they "pulled the plug." He did not die. But as she talked, I began to recognize the person she was speaking of. She never said his name, and she did not refer to him as her ex-husband, which he is... but after the meeting I asked her and she told me that indeed it was him. He is on his last leg.

When I was sober a little over three years, I was dating a man who was sober a lot longer than I. One day I asked him why he had a thirty day chip on his key ring when he was sober much, much longer than that. He told me about his brother. He was in prison at the time, but at one point had stayed sober for 30 days. After he got drunk, he gave his chip to his brother. And he kept it as evidence that the "program really works." When the brother got out of prison, he came to AA (as frequently people do), and got sober for a while. He was movie star gorgeous and quite arrogant. We were friends anyway. He married a friend of mine. He was my boyfriend's brother. We was in my home group.

After a couple years, he got drunk. He was a BAD drunk. Even though he was only in his thirties, he had a couple of heart attacks and strokes. He moved away. He would call from time to time and we would talk. He had speech problems due to the strokes, but I could understand him - with great effort. I haven't heard from him for a number of years now.

Imagine that, he just wants to die. And it always seems like drunks who really WANT to die take a long damn time to do it.

This disease takes everything away from us. Everything.

Yesterday I went to my daughter's birthday meeting. It was at a group I have never been to. When I was driving there, it occurred to me that this is the only meeting in the city that still allows smoking. I don't know how they got to be exempt from the city-wide ban on smoking, but they did.

I walked into the meeting and was hit with a nostalgia so powerful, I almost dropped to my knees. The smell of an AA meeting! I believe that "smell" is my primary sense. Fragrances are far beyond cosmetic to me. I always used to say that the "perfume" of an AA meeting was my very favorite - cigarette smoke, coffee, cologne, and body odor... all mixed together into a single olfactory delight.

I haven't smoked for over 20 years now. It has been five or six years since I have been subject to sitting in a room with smokers. It was unbearable. Every person in that room was smoking like a chimney - just like I used to. I think smoking might be becoming the most impermeable social barrier. I could not hang out with any of those people. It is not snobbery, it is just impossible. Thank God my daughter can go there and smoke her little brains out. Once again, I am grateful for my experience to draw on. If not for that, I might suggest to her that she is not really "sober" if she is still indulging in an addiction. But I believe that smoking saved my life in those early years of sobriety, so far be it from me to suggest anyone else should do what I couldn't.

Last year and the year before, my daughter celebrated her birthday at a huge group that has huge birthday meetings every Friday night. This year, she was at a noon meeting and it was much smaller. A few of the people from her other group drove across town to be there. It was good. I see it as growth.

It's a winter Sunday. I am watching playoff games. The Broncos are out. The game was abysmal last night, but early in the season when they were 1-4, if you had suggested that they would be in the second round of the playoffs, I would have been thrilled. So I am thrilled with my team and one young man in particular, who happens to be the quarterback.

My daughter-in-law is taking me out for dinner tonight. How nice. She is a lovely girl and I am so grateful my son brought her into our lives. And imagine! A little baby girl is the progeny of this union. How much better could you get than that!

Sorry for the stream of consciousness here. I sometimes do that when I am not in a hurry to get anywhere. I am just as happy as can be, right here on the sofa, sitting with a football game playing on the TV (go Texans!!!!), and a fire in the fireplace. Maybe a nap is next on the agenda.

So grateful for the grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And giving time time.

Three Wonderful Years

2012-01-14T07:37:00.001-07:00

Here's an odd, but anonymous, photo of my beautiful sober daughter - in New Mexico taking photos of the buffalo behind her.

Today is my daughter's 3rd sober birthday. Three years ago she narrowly escaped death from a heroin overdose. She got her boyfriend (who was a super-straight former cop) to pick her up and she convalesced for over a week. She started going to meetings that she could walk to. Then on Jan. 30, she found her homegroup... on that day I wrote about it - here.

What a journey it has been for her. If my own sobriety hadn't been so "sketchy" I might despair that she will stay sober or ever get a bit more sane. But I know from my own experience that we all have our own journey. They don't all look the same, and the really don't all look good.

I will go to the noon meeting where she is celebrating today. She did decide to avoid all the drama at another group and just go to a place that is more neutral. I am happy.

Happy, happy, happy. If I stay in this day and don't try to predict the future. If I think about it too much I get so terrified I can barely move.

But if I stay in this moment and enjoy the abundant gifts from God, I am peaceful and happy. And so is my little girl.

I love her so very much.

Orange Friday

2012-01-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

From my office window two days ago

It is Friday morning. I am wearing full Broncos regalia to work today. I have so much stuff from years past, I have a wide array of wardrobe choices to make this morning. If I were already on my new job, I would be able to go to a Broncos rally on my lunch break. But, I am not on my new job.

Yesterday I chaired two meetings at work for the last time. I could never have anticipated how much I would enjoy this. At one point in the two months of negotiations about this job, I had decided that I just couldn't leave the hospital - that I love it too much. And yet, once I made that decision, I have been just as happy as can be. Maybe the sadness will hit me later, I don't know.

Today I will attend a meeting that has been hellish for me for many years. I don't intend to show up there next week on my last Friday. I have too many loose ends to get tied up - I can't spend my time in meetings that will be discussing things that will be happening in the post-Mary era.

Do you know that I watched my first football game 25 years ago? I was 2 1/2 years sober, 35 years old and had always hated football. But the Broncos were in the playoffs. Just like today, at work we were encouraged to wear our orange on Friday, and we were allowed to wear jeans if we did. 25 years ago wearing jeans to work was a really big deal. On that Sunday afternoon, I thought - well, I am willing to wear orange to work, so why don't I try to watch the game. It was the famed game against the Cleveland Browns - with John Elway's The Drive. I know I have at least one reader from Ohio who has this drive seared into his memory just as I do. Only for me, it was a moment that changed my life. I stood and screamed, all alone in my condo. My kids were outside and came in to see if I was OK. I told them I was watching the game - and they looked at me like I was nuts. But I have been hooked on football ever since.

So, the only conclusion I can draw from this disjointed piece is that things can change without any warning or pre-meditation.

When I was praying this morning, I thanked God from the bottom of my heart for carrying me for all of this time. I was despairing that something needed to change a few months ago... and now it is. And I didn't have to go out and scheme and plan.

I let go and let God.

What a deal!

(blogger is being very weird this morning - I have now been trying to post this for over a half an hour - here goes again!)

So many changes...

2012-01-12T07:31:00.001-07:00

See Denver's skyline out there? It's right smack dab in the middle...

I'm sitting here in my pajamas - nothing new there. But in 2 weeks, I will need to be on a bus by this time. Like 20 minutes ago. The blogging in the morning is going to have to go - I will have to blog at night. I will also not be able to bring my breakfast to work to eat at my desk - too much to carry and I will be in a much more formal environment where eating 2 meals a day at my desk may not be considered awesome. Besides, I don't want to carry all that crap on the bus. I will need to dress nice every day. I need to buy some nice flat shoes. Shock! Horror! I simply cannot wear high heels anymore. Or more to the point, I have a choice, do I want to be a fit person with healthy feet - or do I want to wear high heels?

I will need to be much more organized. My work day is going to be longer because of the commute. I will not be able to go to the 6:30 a.m. meeting anymore. But I haven't been going there much anyway. I will not miss it, I hate to say. It has become a group therapy session where the message of recovery from alcoholism using the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is not much welcomed. It will be wonderful to find new meetings to attend.

I am thrilled about the prospect of my life changing so dramatically. Yesterday I audited some charts, and as I put the last chart back in the rack, I said "That was my last chart audit!!!!" I thought I might feel sad about that, but I am not - I am delighted! Today I will chair one of my committees for the last time, and I am happy about that. I have chaired this committee for maybe 12 years? That is LONG ENOUGH!

They are having a party for me (which makes me very very happy, because they don't do this for everyone who leaves), and the guy who was making up the flyer for it asked me if I approved. It was so cute! It had a flower border and running shoes, a bike helmet, and a swimmer for decoration.

Imagine a drunk being automatically thought of as a flower-loving triathlete! Those people never knew me as an obnoxious drunk. They only know me as a church-goin', flower-lovin', runnin', bikin', and swimmin' girl - who also knits. (he said he couldn't find a picture of knitting to put on the flyer.)

I am so freaking excited!!!

By the Grace of God, I have had a life beyond my wildest dreams since that day in 1984 when, in a bathroom of an AA clubhouse, with a couple of other crazy women, we knelt (on a dirty floor) and said:

"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

Yesterday I made three grown men cry

2012-01-11T06:59:00.000-07:00

There is a tiny speck in this photo that was actually a coyote walking across the frozen lake

Yesterday I finally got the call I have been waiting for. I have a new job. I start in 2 weeks. I gave notice at my workplace - after working there for over 17 years. And then I walked around and started telling people that I am leaving. Most people looked at me dumbfounded until they realized what I meant. A couple of people said they thought I would "always" be there, they can't imagine the place without me. I assured them that it will go right on without me. Several people spontaneously welled up with tears, including three men, and that made me feel good. You really can't fake that.

I feel very happy about this. It was hard to make up my mind. I am leaving a place where I am extremely comfortable. I am leaving a beautiful office that I have loved - and going to a cubicle! I am leaving a place that is an easy 10 minute drive - and going somewhere where I will have to pay ~$150 a month to park or ride the bus.

But I have been hand-picked to be part of a new department. I am the first person to be hired in the department and will get to be part of the hiring process for the others. I will get to design our product! I will be working outside of a hospital environment for the first time in 20 years - and I can't wait. I will be in an office building downtown. I will be just a couple of blocks away from the Cathedral - so I can go to mass on my way to and from work - and at lunch if I want.

It is a new opportunity and I am grateful and excited. I took my daughter out for dinner last night to celebrate. She is very excited for me - she has worked in that building and is sure I will love it (even though I will be in a cubicle).

I am sure over the next two weeks, I will have time to reflect on my time at the hospital. It has been very good. I started there when I was just 10 years sober - only 42 years old! My kids were 17 and 15 at that time. It seems like a lifetime ago. I really need to move on. Start the last chapter in my career. With hope in my heart.

And I have a bit of that "touched by God" feeling. I had prayed for something (anything!) to happen, and it did. It was not my doing, I never applied for the job - I was chosen. It is a wonderful thing.

"First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. " -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62 - 63

Full Moon Hike

2012-01-10T07:08:00.001-07:00

Last night a friend and I took a guided hike - billed as a "full moon hike." It was lovely, though quite frigid. When we got to the top of the peak where we would have had a stellar view of the moon rising, we all agreed that the 45 minute wait for the moon would freeze us all, and we made our descent back down. As we drove away from the park, the most gorgeous orange moon rose over the city. Oh, it was beautiful!

I am feeling out of sorts. My future has been up in the air since October, and I still haven't received final word. My finances are frightening. I am profoundly disappointed in the man I have been dating and will probably call that off.

As I listened to my friend yesterday talk about retirement, I thought about the - damn, I can't even remember the two little furry animals, one of whom saved for winter and the other didn't. My friend got an associates degree out of high school and went to work immediately in that field. She bought a tiny townhouse and over the years paid it off. When she got her first raise, she put the "extra money" in the bank and has lived off her first paltry salary all of these years. She retired on her 50th birthday, with no mortgage, no student loans, no credit card debt, and tons of money in savings. She is bringing home 85% of her sizable salary at retirement. She travels around the world and does what she pleases whenever she pleases. Yesterday she stayed in bed until 11 a.m., and then got ready to meet me.

That is NOT my story.

Oh, it all feels like a mess right now. I have a kid in Afghanistan, another with a life threatening illness, and another with a penchant for creating life-threatening drama.

I think I am realizing why I have usually associated with other alcoholics since I have been sober. It is just easier to be with other people like me. People who have made ridiculous mistakes with their lives, but pick up the pieces and move on to the best of their ability - without spending a lot of time looking back.

OK, so here's what's good:

I DO have a job - and I actually like it most of the time
I have an opportunity to move on and if that happens it will be a good thing - if not, see above
I have relationships with all three of my kids. I love them dearly. They love me back
There are a couple of women I have sponsored for a while and they are blessings in my life
There is a woman across the mountains who has been my sponsor since the last century, I love her and she loves me back.
I am in relatively good health and I don't look as old as I am - this is more and more important as a woman who intends to (or needs to) work for another long while. People find old men look wise and distinguished, old women look grumpy and sad.
Even though I am indeed grumpy and sad today, I will put on my best game face and SUIT UP AND SHOW UP.

"We can believe that God is in His heaven and that He has a purpose for our lives, which will eventually work out as long as we try to live the way we believe He wants us to live. It has been said that we should 'wear the world like a loose garment.' That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep abiding faith that God will always take care of us. To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe." -- Twenty-Four Hours a Day, July 16 Thought for the Day.

Livin' in a Sober World

2012-01-09T06:40:00.000-07:00

My granddaughter, watching the birds at the feeder.

I am heading to work today. In sobriety, I learned to dress appropriately, show up on time, do a day's work for a day's pay, and do that day after day after day. Early in sobriety, I learned that there would not be a committee commissioned to plan for a statue in the park of my likeness because I didn't call in sick to work for an entire year.

Later in sobriety, I learned that if I happened upon a co-worker at an AA meeting, odds are they would later expect me to "understand" that they had to come in late, leave early, talk on personal phone calls all day, etc... because they were "sober" and therefore "special."

A dear friend used to say that he could judge the quality of his sobriety by how well he "blended" into his community. Did he "blend" at work? Did he "blend" in his neighborhood? Did he "blend" at church?

I am currently working with a woman who was so dysfunctional in her active alcoholism, she is struggling to find what is functional in the real world. I understand that. Unfortunately, she is still thinking she might be deserving of a statue in the park for showing up on time to work 3 days in a row.

It takes years for us self-consumed alcoholics to see that the rest of the world functions just fine. Most people do what they are supposed to do - without drama or fanfare. When we learn to do that, I think we are on the broad road of recovery.

I thank God for his grace - that he enabled me to get through those crazy first years before I realized that I wasn't the center of the universe. And what a relief it was when I did!

"We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 53

Winter Sunday

2012-01-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

My long time readers know that I am a big Broncos fan - but for the last five or six years, there has been very little to cheer about. So, for today the Broncos are in the playoffs. You may say their chances are less than average, but let's wait to see what happens. I will enjoy watching a play off game regardless of the outcome.

My little granddaughter is here with me today. Her father, my son, skyped us this morning. How nice it was to see him! I was amazed at how a little 15 month old would sit still and wait for him to appear on the screen, then he did appear, we talked, and then they touched hands. It was hard for me not to cry. It's my humble opinion that families should not be so far apart. At least they can see each other via skype though.

So, that's my story today. Just a quiet day, watching a football game with a toddler.

Grateful for the grace of God that allows me to be a sober grandmother.

A few of my favorite things...

2012-01-07T06:42:00.001-07:00

Getting ready to go out for my Saturday morning mileage with my group. It is only 20º this a.m., so I need to wear several layers. You can see a couple of them in the photo. And that cute little cube? I bought it so I could segregate my running clothes. I have another cube in my closet - full of race shirts. It is a good way for storage, but not really the best way to keep things so you can find them. Every time I want some running clothes, I have to dump out the cube and sort through all the stuff crammed in there.

Yesterday the phone call I was awaiting did not come. I left a message for her in the afternoon. By 4:00 p.m., she sent me an e-mail that said she was still finalizing things and would get back to me next week. Since October, I have been hanging out here in the land of uncertainty. I can last another weekend.

I need to be out of here in 15 minutes, and I am still in my jammies. I better put a move on it.

Grateful for another sober day. Thanks be to God.

Friday

2012-01-06T06:33:00.002-07:00

I am looking forward to today. I had intended to get up and run - outdoors - but since it doesn't get light until after 7 a.m., I decided to hop on the treadmill. And since I am sick of the treadmill, I decided to bag it altogether. I don't usually do any miles on the day before my "long run" with the group on Saturdays. And since my foot is barely functional, I think it would be a good idea to skip it today.

My future has been up in the air since the end of October. By the end of today, I should know where I am working. That's all I am going to say about that.

I am weary of the sepia of winter. I love bright colors so much. I love roses and tulips and lilacs. But my reality is another 3 months of winter. I end up doing all kinds of things to "trick" myself into not going into a depression at this time of the year. One of my favorites is the tanning salon.... I haven't been there since July and I am trying to stop altogether. We'll see if I am able.

OK, I am dull today. Too much going on. Too much in the air.

But I do know I am sober. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for a loving God who somehow cares for me every single day of every single year.

The Versatile Blogger

2012-01-05T19:26:00.001-07:00

Lou over at Subdural Flow II, was kind enough to give me the Versatile Blogger Award (wow, and I had no idea that one word in her blog name is misspelled). I'm probably not very versatile, since my blog is only about my journey as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I am a pretty versatile person... I am supposed to award 3 other bloggers and then list 7 things about myself. They, in turn, are supposed to write 7 things about themselves on their blogs and tag three other people. I will chose three, knowing that at least one of them will likely not participate - that is OK. I just want to acknowledge a couple of people for their consistency. Pammie at Sobriety is Exhausting, and Dave and Higher Powered. I read them both every single morning and love them both. And then there is Scott at Sober Nuggets, he's been blogging for a long time, but takes a break from time to time.

Here are the things about me:

Most people who know me describe me as very "funny." That doesn't seem to come across here. Maybe most of my "funniness" is in body language, my voice, a laugh, a facial expression.
I wanted to be a nun until I had my first drink.
My life seems to have turned out "ironic," what I love most of all is homemaking, but need to work to make a living. Most homemakers don't even homemake like I do.
I realized this "irony" in my early 40s, and quickly got an education (0 to Master's in 7 years) so that I might actually have a career rather than a job.
I loved to run (but seem to be too injured for it now). I started when I was in my 20s, and stopped in my 40s. I started again at 52, when my heart was broken by a 6'5" cowboy who started drinking again.
I started running long distances when my son was in Iraq for the first time and, like Forest Gump, I just kept running and running. I ran my first half-marathon at 55, and my first marathon at 58.
I am grateful to be sober. I believe my sobriety is a gift from God. My small amount of "work" to maintain it, is just a way of cooperating with God's gift.

That's it. It's not much, but it is all I have this evening.

Thanks Lou. I appreciate the award.

Pluggin' into Thursday

2012-01-05T07:28:00.001-07:00

I was in the dentist's chair for 3 and a half hours yesterday. Once the novocaine was in (that is the worst part for me), I was just grateful, grateful, grateful, that I could get this work done. And that I have a wonderful dentist. He is older than me (something that gets rarer by the year) and pats my hand and calls me "hon," "sweetie," or "Mare." Oddly, he remembered that I was born in Pittsburgh, PA, and asked me if I was going to be rooting for the Broncos or the Steelers on Saturday. Pshaw!!! Broncos, fo-sho!!!

My daughter has her 3 year sober anniversary coming up this month. She got sober at a group that is heavily bikers. It really is a good group. There is, however, a subset of that group - I would call them "wanna-be" bikers. The have "colors" for their sober biker group. They act bad-asser than any former hell's angel I have known... and I have known a few. They are all bluster and very little substance. They have called her and let her know when and how she can celebrate her birthday. Really? Seriously? Now, I do understand that there are some considerations as she has a restraining order against one of their members. (The one who 13 stepped her when she was new, and stalked her after she left him.) But beyond straightening out that HE will not be there when she celebrates her birthday, I don't know how they can tell her anything. She is now considering not celebrating her birthday at that group.

She asked for my advice, and I was able to share some of my experience. I have left more than one group because of a man. I was always willing to do that in order to allow the other person the peace of their home group. I always had a place to go. I felt I could go anywhere. Twenty or more years ago, I used to live upstairs from the two guys who started that biker group and I had no use for them then, and I have no use for those who have come after them. I don't appreciate them behaving this way toward my daughter. I asked her if she couldn't talk to someone from the actual AA group. She said they wouldn't stand up to the biker group.

So, groups like this exist. I wouldn't want to go there. But I did when I was new. And it was helpful to me. I honestly believe my daughter couldn't have gotten sober anywhere else. She has since moved on to healthier groups, but she wasn't ready for healthier groups when she was new.

When I see young crazy folks try to walk into a group of middle-aged, middle-class, well-dressed, soft-spoken sober alcoholics - I wonder how this will work. Sometimes it does.

But I know I needed to be with people like me. Crazy people creating drama with every move. When I was able to do better, I did. And I moved toward people who behaved better than that. But not till I was ready.

That's what's wonderful about AA in larger metropolitan areas. You really can find anything you want.

As I have said so many times, I really believe God talks to us in our own vernacular. It might not seem like the voice of God, but I think he is there - in the holier than thou's in the suburbs to the bikers in city.

I just have to learn to listen. And thank God.

Facing the Dentist

2012-01-04T06:20:00.002-07:00

Since yesterday had such a large dose of unwelcome reality - the $195 ticket and 6 points (not 8 as I had thought), I figured I might as well bite the bullet, so to speak, and call the dentist. I am financing the cost of the first attempt to fix this tooth and will sit in that most uncomfortable of all chairs this afternoon. I am scared beyond belief - I have had work done on my front teeth before - and I haven't liked it. But I have to do it.

This unnatural life-expectancy has some real drawbacks. I don't think teeth were intended to last 80 to 100 years. It is expensive to try to get them to. And it hurts.

I'm imagining that if I were born 100 years before I was, I would have died at about 29 when I had a ruptured appendix. Or perhaps in childhood when I had measles, mumps, and rubella. And bad ear infections. Perhaps I would have died in childbirth. I would have never had serious tooth problems by that age!

I have always wondered why there was no real solution for alcoholism until the mid-twentieth century. Maybe it is because very few alcoholics lived long enough to get a full knowledge of their condition before then.

I know there were drunks. I know that when alcoholism rears it's ugly head, it is terrible, no matter what age. But it is my observation that it takes years for an alcoholic to realize they need to stop... and that makes a person years older. You have to live long enough to get old enough for that. And alcoholics don't have the best health. We need modern medicine to live long.

OK, my mind has taken a left-turn in sheer terror of this afternoon, as you can see.

I will put my trust in God and walk forward today. I cannot control whether or not I am afraid, but I can control whether I am going to put one foot in front of the other and put a smile on my face and face the day. I have to be at work at 8, in clothes suitable for painting - I have been recruited to help paint a unit that has been remodeled. Fun.

On Life's Terms

2012-01-03T06:29:00.003-07:00

The site of a beautiful bike ride yesterday

The sight of something I didn't want to see in my rear view mirror this morning.

Yesterday while I was riding my bike in the beautiful winter sun, my phone rang. I answered it, unlike most normal people who are riding their bikes. It was a woman from church who asked me if I could come in and substitute for someone at 4 a.m. this morning. Of course, I said I could.

While I was driving there, I was shocked! Shocked! to see a police car pull out behind me with lights spinning. I pulled over and fully expected the policeman to apologize and say he was in error turning on all those jarring lights! Instead, he told me I was driving 59 mph in a 35 mile zone. I said "35?" Seriously? I have driven down this road nearly every day for 10 years, I thought the speed limit was 55. He said it was 55 further down the road, but not where I was, it was 35 there . This will cost me $195. and I am not sure how many points... he told me it was 8, but if I mailed in my payment, it would be 4. But the back of the ticket said if you mail it in, it is reduced by 2 points - not 4. It also made me 10 minutes late to church... with a woman sitting waiting for me so she could go home.

I drove away saying "It's only money." It is only money. It is only money. But right now, I don't have $195 laying around. Just like I don't have the $4,000 I need for dental work. I know some of you make so much money you have to find ways to throw it away, but my situation seems to be getting more dire every day. It is taking more and more work to keep away the fear of financial insecurity.

Trust and reliance upon God is my only answer. Well, and some severe belt tightening... when it feels like it is as tight as it can get now. I can put forward my best effort and know that I can do no more than that.

And let me state the obvious... when you are sober, you can look at those lights in the mirror and know that it is a pain in the wallet, but know you are not getting cuffed and taken away. And that is a good thing. The officer asked me if there was a reason I was going so fast, and I was able to say, at 3:49 a.m., that I needed to get to church by 4:00 a.m. Well, that and the fact that I thought the speed limit was 55, not 35.

I will get myself dressed for work, look as nice as I can, and put in a good day's work for a relatively good day's pay. I will try to be an asset to my workplace and to be of service to those God puts in my life today. That's all I know how to do.

I will likely stay sober again today and I hope you do too.

1~2~12

2012-01-02T09:01:00.002-07:00

Since I have the day off work, I am sitting in the living room, in my pajamas, laptop on my knees, in front of the fire. This is a luxury I don't believe I have ever indulged in.

Although I always look forward to three day weekends, I usually am ready to go back to work by Monday. My life is usually so full of work and workouts, I protect my down-time a bit fiercely. I don't like to schedule every moment of a weekend. But then on a long weekend, if I haven't scheduled it to the brim, I am left feeling bored and dull by Monday.

This morning I made a full page list of what I would like to accomplish this year. The first item on the list was "Start a new career!!!" How exciting that this is likely what is going to happen in 2012. How many 60 year old women get to do this? Of course, probably the real question is 'How many 60 year old women want to do this?' Well, I do.

So, I shall get out of here to go to the gym and later I will go down to the local park and pay up for my annual pass so I can bike, hike, run, and swim there for another year.

I honestly think 2012 is going to be a great year. I am happily anticipating what it may bring. It is the 28th year I have started sober. I can't think of anything better than that!

Into 2012

2012-01-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

I drove across town to be at my home group this morning. It is an old friend's 27th birthday. I remember when he came in - literally - I remember his first meeting. He was my (at that time) sponsor's ex-husband and I was very happy to see him walk into the meeting that day. And twenty-seven years later, I am still happy to see him - anywhere. It was another friend's 31st birthday. We are all older now, but we are all still sober. And I have to tell you, we were not the holier than thou folks at meetings who know everything and have everyone's answers. We were nuts. But we took the program seriously, and hung in there, and now we get to be relatively sane older folks who have been sober for a while. And that, my friends, is a good deal.

As people shared in the meeting, it seemed to be the consensus that 2012 is going to be a great year. I know I am looking forward to it. I have no idea what it will bring, but I am grateful to be facing it sober and with a trust and faith in God.

And then, because it is my nature to be serious when others are light-hearted, I just want to say: I have had many new readers and anonymous comments in the last few days. This is the time of year when people resolve to get sober - and read the first paragraph before you dismiss their efforts! People have come here looking for help. I hope the fact that I have shared my experience, strength, and hope is some small comfort to someone looking for hope. But, I feel I must stress that the place to go for real help is your local AA group. There are very few people in the world who are so situated that they can't get to a meeting, they have their own ways of finding fellowship - I learned that here on this blog. Most people, however, have an AA group in their own city, town, or even neighborhood. Avail yourself of this wonderful life-saving resource.

We bloggers are not any kind of special alcoholics who have the answers. We are just fond of writing and fond of the special fellowship we have found here. We get the spiritual "stuff" we write about on our blogs from our own local fellowship. Don't deprive yourself of this. It is the highlight of our lives.

I am grateful, grateful, grateful to be looking at the clean slate of another year started sober. I hope it is a sober day for you too. And if you are hungover and happen to read this, this could be your real true sobriety date. What a great one to have.

"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to you fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

Endings

2011-12-31T06:28:00.001-07:00

I snapped this photo last night after being dropped off in front of the restaurant while my fella found a parking place. Actually, I think that is him crossing the street in the distance. We went to three restaurants before we found one with a wait time of less than an hour - and I was starving!

This morning I am going to meet my running club because I want to meet with the triathlon coaches to get a plan or some suggestions about how to proceed. I don't know that I am going to do any miles at all because of the ongoing undiagnosed problems with my foot. But I want to see my pals and talk to the coaches - so I am excitedly getting ready to go out for a non-run.

Yesterday was such an exciting day. I still don't want to write it down because it is not FINAL, but I feel very happy and good about where my future appears to be heading. All of my indecision was taken away yesterday when I met this young woman who would be my boss.

I was so elated after our meeting, I left work, and went to church to pray for a while - you know, those wonderful "THANK YOU" prayers. And then I went to the yarn shop to get some yarn for socks. I love to knit socks and I need to knit a pair right now. There are other projects I am working on, but I seriously NEED to knit a pair of socks right now - there is so much comfort in it. You should see this yarn! I will post pictures as we go, I am sure.

I am making dinner tonight. New Year's Eve at home with a man I care for, this sounds so wonderful to me.

It was a good year. Another sober year. Another year with a marathon in it. And at the end of it, it truly looks like I will have some new adventures in the new year. I look forward to them with hope and faith.

Sobriety is so good. God has been so very good to me. I am wishing you all a very safe and peaceful New Year's Eve and a happy 2012. May we all stay sober - one day at a time.

Momentous Friday

2011-12-30T07:28:00.002-07:00

Today I have a meeting that will probably decide my future career. I have an opportunity, but I need for it to be good in order to make the move. I put my "needs" out on the table last week and today I should find out how close we can get to an agreement.

Yesterday I cleaned my office. It was a wonderful feeling. I never take the time to do this. I "straighten up" and "clean off my desk," but don't really go through things and take reams and reams of paper to the shred bins as I did yesterday. I also took two huge bags of clothing to donate to the clothing lab for the patients - the bags have been in the back of my car for a couple of months.

This morning I have done my morning prayer and meditation. I have painted my nails a nice conservative pink/beige. I will put my hair in rollers and get in the tub. I will wear the grey flannel Armani skirt that was my sister's birthday gift to me last year. It just looks like a skirt - but it feels like a million bucks - which is roughly what it cost.

I will put my best foot forward, and trust in God.

And hopefully I will get to see my daughter today. She works in the same building as I do and she said she will be back to work today. I hope I will talk with my other daughter today - last I talked to her, she was crying about her sister. Actually the last time I talked with both of them they were crying. This too shall pass....

Whatever happens, I plan to stay sober today, and hope you do too.

OH - and if you want to read a wonderful reflection on the nature of our disease, go see my friend AnyEdge today.

The David Stone

2011-12-29T06:29:00.000-07:00

Our dear friend and blogger, Pammie, gave me this gift when I met her - I think it was in 2006 or 2007. It has been on the counter between the kitchen and dining room - where I see it every day - since then.

It is a wonderful reminder. Sometimes I think my problems are too ordinary and boring for God to be interested in. But I know that my constant nagging and pleading is OK with God - and he has never let me down me before. It is also a wonderful reminder that I am not alone.

I was supposed to be in the pool 16 minutes ago. I don't know how I am going to write this and get there - and get to work. Last night I looked at my blog and could not write one word. It looks like, for now, I need to write in the morning and deal with the rest of the things I need to do. I know this can change because there have been times when I have written at night and it worked. Just not right now.

My "normal" daughter has had health problems since the middle of December. It is so shocking to be worried about her. It started with a deep vein thrombosis in her leg. Yesterday she was sent for a CT scan, where they did find a pulmonary embolism. I was shocked that they sent her away with a PE. She has oral meds and injections she has to take twice a day for another month. She said she would text me when she gets up this morning, and I am anxiously awaiting the text. I wish I had asked her what time to expect that text. I tried to get her to stay with me last night - but she is as independent as her mother is. She looked at me like I was nuts. I understand, daughter, I really do.

There are so many serious things brewing around me. I need to "be there" for those people who need me (even if they don't know it) and turn to God for my strength. Left to my own devices, I cannot handle any of this. But I know that no problem is too big for God and it will be OK. Nothing may be the way I want it, but it will be OK.

Mid Week

2011-12-28T08:04:00.001-07:00

My plan to get out of here exceptionally early to go swimming did now work out. I woke up at 1 a.m. and stayed awake until nearly 4. I hate it when that happens. My mind does not function well in the night. Everything takes on dark and sinister tones. I pray, and pray to go back to sleep, but sometimes it takes hours. When I finally fell back to sleep, I slept until after 6. Too late to go swimming. I will try to see if I can get out at lunchtime. Then I will come back to work with wet hair and no make-up, but that is the advantage of working somewhere so long that you are comfortable enough to do that.

I was talking with someone about my ex-husband yesterday. Something came out of my mouth that kind of surprised me. I told her that I had spent so many years paying attention to my own side of the street, trying not to be bitter, or blame others, that I think I became delusional about the true nature of that marriage and the person I was married to. I had convinced myself that we were divorced only because I made a foolish mistake - getting divorced - in my early sobriety.

Now that he is raising two of my grandchildren, I have to interact with him if I want to see them. It is so unpleasant that I see them less and less. He is an old bitter man. But I remember he was a young angry man - behind a jovial smile and joke that fooled most into thinking he was a "great guy." He is still hiding behind the "great guy," but does some of the most vile things to my daughter.

Funny, when he did the same things to me, I took responsibility for myself and looked at "my own side of the street." But when I see him do those things to my daughter, I see them for what they are. Cruel and cold-hearted. Lashing back at her and hurting her in the worst possible ways - like bad-mouthing her to her daughters. The girls are so confused about their mother. When she confronted him about that, he simply said "I am not going to lie to them."

When my daughter told me that, I thought about how I have "lied" about him all these years. To my kids and to myself. I always tried to paint him in the best possible light - because I felt my children deserved to have TWO parents. Unfortunately, he did not return the favor. Two out of three of my children still see him as the "great guy," and I am the "alcoholic" even though I haven't had a drink for a long damn time and he still drinks every day.

It's weird to realize how much working the program has influenced how I have behaved with my family. I am not saying it was wrong, but perhaps a bit misguided. And delusional frankly.

I know who I am. And I know who my daughter is. And other people can chose to see that or not. I have no control over that.

God is large and in charge and I know that all is well - even if it doesn't seem so.

Night

2011-12-27T19:56:00.001-07:00

Well, it's night. I want to go to bed. I want to get up exceptionally early tomorrow and get to the pool - and try to swim for an hour before I go to work. So, I better post something here now.

Unfortunately, my head is empty. It often is by this time at night. I am a morning person. I wake up with ideas. I go to bed done in.

OK, I have been sitting here for a half hour staring at this page. I guess I must admit defeat. I'll probably post something tomorrow morning - because I will probably have ideas. For now, I am just done in.

But I am sober. And that is nothing to sneeze at! Thank you God.

Another Morning

2011-12-27T06:50:00.004-07:00

The photo is from Christmas Eve. My daughter was so delighted by the little tree-shaped candles - I thought I would take their picture. And I thought the background was pretty. A fireplace alit, a Christmas tree with gifts, a Nativity Scene. And Syd, do you see that starfish on the mantle in the middle? You sent me that several years ago.

So, it is another morning, with me sitting here in my pajamas, writing... when I need to get on the treadmill for a few miles and get ready for work. I will post tonight - I can't continue to do this morning ritual even though I do love it.

I have hinted at this, but didn't want to write it down. It is looking very much like I am about to change jobs. I have been driving to the same building every M-F for over 17 years. I have had the same job within that building for over 10 years. I have had the same office in that building for 9 years. By Friday afternoon last week I had decided I didn't really want to change jobs. But I have a great opportunity and I simply must give up this "comfort," which in retrospect will probably not seem to be a comfort at all. I need a change. I need a challenge. I also need more money.

There are still details to work out about this job. I will meet with the person doing the hiring on Friday of this week. She offered me the job last Friday. I am delighted - especially since this is a new job and they approached me about it. It is nice to know that I am seen as someone competent to take on a new challenge. But the idea of me being downtown in an office building for an 8-5 shift five days a week is so terrifying!

I have walked through terrifying before. I know it is OK. I remember a meeting I went to in Glenwood Springs in 1986 - someone said that once you take the third step - and really mean it - your life is never your own again. And that is a good thing.

So I will step out in faith again today. Grateful to be sober. Grateful for the grace of God.

Paternal Centennial

2011-12-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

One hundred years ago today my father was born in an eastern Pennsylvania town.

My dad was an alcoholic. He was a brilliant engineer, and held several patents. He was a lover of classical music. He had a great career with one company from the time he graduated from college until he retired. When he and my mother were newly married, he would teach high school Calculus at night for a little extra cash. He read voraciously, and our table was always full of lively conversations about politics and current events. He was a devout Catholic and was quite active in the church. When I came to AA, this was my stereotype of an alcoholic. I was quite shocked when I saw derelicts and criminals in AA!

My father got sober in April of 1965. In June of 1971 my mother died. In March of 1972, my father remarried - a woman who drank like a fish. I never quite understood why he would marry someone who drank so much. He claimed she was not an alcoholic. I don't know how he determined that. On July 17, 1975, I called my father in the middle of the day and was shocked to find he was home - and drunk! He had gotten bad news from the doctor, had taken a hasty and early retirement, and came home with a bottle.

He did not die in 6 months as the doctor had prognosticated. He outlived that doctor! He lived for 17 more years - in alcoholic hell. He told me his ten sober years were the best years of his life. He told me "resentment really IS the number one offender." He told me he could not stand to go to AA meetings and hear people tell him what he used to tell new people. He told me there was no such thing as anonymity in a small town... and then he admitted all this sounded like rationalization for not getting sober. He never could get sober again.

I have often called my father my greatest teacher. Unfortunately, it is a bad example. His story is what I would like to avoid. And so far, so good. He was very happy that I was sober, and said he was very proud of me. I think it was the only thing I ever did that he told me he was proud of.

Thankfully, I have other teachers. I have a sponsor who is sober 38 years. Her husband is sober 39 years. I have watched them for nearly 20 years. They have stayed faithful to prayer and meditation, meetings, and sponsoring other alcoholics for all of those years. They have gone from healthy people, fully engaged in mid-life, living in a beautiful foothills home - to being in their seventies, retired, living in a mobile home in western Colorado. No matter what, they are still grateful every single day. And fully engaged in a spiritual life.

My sponsor and her husband also help me with something I am really struggling with right now. Fear of economic insecurity. I am now 60 years old and in not in any way nearing financial readiness for retirement. Thankfully I am healthy and should be able to continue to work for many years. But I see them, in greatly diminished circumstances - and they are just as happy as they were when they were living very very differently. The spiritual life is not a theory!

My dad lived in "luxury" for his last 17 years. I wouldn't want any part of that kind of "luxury."

But what I would mostly like to say about my father today is that although he was a flawed character (who isn't?), he was a good man. He was intelligent, accomplished, and successful. I guess in the end, all of that is undone by alcoholism. But I have been reading so much writing by non-alcoholics who have love-hate relationships with us - I feel the need to defend anyone who has battled this demon disease. They talk about us as if we are unruly zoo animals!

Happy Birthday Dad. I hope there is no booze in heaven.

"We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm this." -- Alcoholics Anonymous p. 22-23

On This Christmas Day

2011-12-25T15:06:00.001-07:00

On the way home from the 6:30 meeting this morning, I stopped at a small local park, parked my car and walked around. I thanked God from the bottom of my heart for too many blessings to count here. And I had to thank him for the beautiful, sunshiney, 13ºF Colorado Christmas morning.

I wish I had better skills or camera so that I could have captured the sparkling snow and ice covered trees shining in the sun. But use your imagination - it was amazing.

I hope that Christmas is easy on everyone who finds themselves reading this.

And if not easy, I hope it is satisfying in some small way - if only to know that you are staying sober no matter what. And if not sober, please be on your way to a bottom that will be truly YOUR bottom so that you will never want to drink again.

God works these miracles in the lives of alcoholics every single day. You wouldn't think he'd have time for anything else, but he does.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T21:22:00.003-07:00

I am wishing you all a beautiful sober Christmas. If you've never had a sober Christmas before, hang on, you might be very surprised. I think most people agree it is much better sober.

My sober daughter came over today and we went to a movie and then I made us dinner. She wanted to see Sherlock Holmes, and although I thought the movie was just as stupid as the first one, I went to see it with her. She thought it was great. I am glad she enjoyed it - that was the whole point.

We had dinner and watched a couple of movies at home. As she was leaving, she said how much she enjoyed the day - and then commented that it is the first Christmas in years she hasn't cried all day. That's wonderful progress.

My son called earlier today to wish me a Merry Christmas. He says he will be home in 97 days - but who's counting? I wish we were all at least on the same continent!

Tonight I went to mass. When we sang Silent Night, I burst into tears. For some reason, it reminded me so strongly of the family gathering around the piano to sing Christmas Carols when I was a child. I haven't thought of that for years. It came back like a flood tonight.

When mass was over, one of my AA friends came over and said hello. I was so happy to see her! I asked her if this was her church.... what a stupid question to ask someone you see at church on Christmas and never any other time. She looked sheepish, and said she was thinking of starting to go there. I welcomed her and told her how much I like it. I hope that was welcoming to her.

I am far too tired to be writing. I really need to go to bed. It was a huge day, and tomorrow is a mini day - in terms of plans and what I need to get done. All I want to do is get to a meeting in the morning. The rest of the day is quiet. And I am grateful for that.

And grateful for another sober Christmas. God has so generously poured his grace on me.

Preparations

2011-12-23T19:33:00.003-07:00

These are some tiny pecan pies I baked for tomorrow. My sober daughter is coming over and we will have Christmas Eve together. The rest of the family is scattered across the globe. We will make the best of what we have got and try not to regret what we don't have.

She is going to another state for an AA meeting marathon on Christmas. I don't know why she needs to go to another state because just about every AA club in town has meeting marathons for Christmas, but she thinks that this one is going to be the best. OK. I am not going to argue with her going to meetings all day long. And she did ask me if I would like to join her and her friend. No, thanks. I don't want to be on the road on Christmas.

I am used to being alone on Christmas because of all of the divorce years - the years when I got the kids on Christmas Eve, and he got them on Christmas day. It is nice to have nothing to do on a day like Christmas - nothing is even open - except for church, and I will be there early in the morning. I used to go to the meeting marathons in younger years - and I enjoyed them tremendously. I will probably head down to the club for at least one meeting on Christmas day. I don't know if I have ever missed a meeting on Christmas since I have been sober.

I got some very good news today but I don't want to share it until it is set in concrete - and it isn't yet. I texted my boyfriend, who is also in another state, and he called me immediately. It was nice to share some exciting news.

I am tired and ready to go to bed with my Audible.com book. I am loving the latest Stephen King book - and I don't read Stephen King books - or any scary books! The book is 11-22-63. And I guess if you are much younger than I am, this date means nothing to you. But if you are my age or older, that date is just as indelible on your brain as 9-11-01. It is a great book.

So, I have many reasons to thank God tonight. I am sober, I am healthy, I have good news. The advice I got when I was new has never failed me - "Ask Him in the morning, and thank Him at night." They say God is a sucker for gratitude. I happen to believe that.

Minimalist Shoes

2011-12-22T20:39:00.001-07:00

I got the new shoes this afternoon. The guy at the running store was extremely dubious when I came in and told him I had a foot injury and my coach suggested I try minimalist shoes. He had me get on the treadmill in them and he filmed my feet to see what is happening. He ended up agreeing that the shoes I was in MAY have been a problem. My feet land pretty straight - no over-pronation. He said that having a stability shoe with lots of cushion may have caused me some problems. It is worth it to me to try this out and see what happens. I tried them on the treadmill tonight - for one half mile - you need to get used to these shoes slowly. And forgive the stained socks - all of my socks are brown - that dust from trails never washes out.

These shoes give me a teense of hope. I know most of you don't understand what I am talking about, but some of you do.

Maybe by tomorrow or the next day I will stop being so irritated by the inspirational messages on facebook posted by people I know are drunk. And what would be your motivation to post something every day about how ecstatically happy you are?

See? I am still a bit irritable.

But maybe tomorrow....

As long as I don't drink today, there is always hope.

And I thank God for the fact that I didn't have a drink today - and didn't want one. Now, that is a good deal.

Axis I Diagnoses

2011-12-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

While shoveling 50 cubic tons of snow this morning, it occurred to me that I am not feeling like myself. And then it occurred to me that I do have two axis I diagnoses (if you don't know what that means, county your lucky stars), one of which may be out of control right now.

Alcohol Dependence, sustained full remission

Depression Major, recurrent, in partial remission

I took these straight out of my electronic medical record. I would not call what I have "alcohol dependence" but DSM IV does. In fact, if that was my choice - I would not even include it in a list of diagnoses. I have not had a drink for 27 years, I don't think I am dependent upon alcohol. I am still an alcoholic though, every single day of my life. The grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous seem to keep this in "full remission."

Major Depression however, now that is something I don't think about often anymore. Because I found a way to keep it at bay without medications. That something was running. Also, eating well, avoiding white crap - like sugar and white flour - and sleeping well. Getting a bit of quiet time, and some social time. But really, I found the exercise to be the most important thing.

In recent years, my running has been a bit more like walking - race walking. It has worked well for me. It is fun, it is great exercise, and I thought it was sustainable into my 60s.

Then my foot started hurting. And it kept hurting. And no one knows what is wrong with it, although several doctors have suspected a stress fracture. But the MRI this week ruled out a stress fracture.

I have been two weeks without getting outside and getting some miles in. I have been swimming and spinning, but no miles.

I feel like crap. I feel unhappy and a bit irritable. My life seems like a mess. Absolutely nothing has changed except the lack of good exercise.

So, you may say "rest!" and think that is a good solution, but it is not working out so well so far. I am going to go out with my running group on Saturday and walk a slow 3 miles - probably in some new shoes. I will get out in the air and see my friends.

I have called myself "high maintenance," I really am. I have found a recipe that works for me. And right now one of the major ingredients is missing.

But like everything else, I will trust God and "put one foot in front of the other" metaphorically speaking. If you are so inclined, I could use a prayer or two.

Thank you, and God bless you.

Winter's Darkest Day

2011-12-21T20:13:00.001-07:00

It's snowing like crazy outside. When I drove home from work tonight I had a little fantasy of having tomorrow off due to snow. I stopped at the grocery store and purchased the makings for borscht. By about this time every year, I need to have some borscht - after all the candy and breads and other non-vegetables. At about 7:30, it was ready and I had a bowl. It was good.

This morning I found myself in a foul mood. I was waiting for word about my interview last week and the results from my MRI. Both of them impact my future plans. I got the MRI results later today. No stress fracture - that is the good news. The bad news is that I still have no idea the hell is the matter with my foot. The doc said "rest." Yeah, right doc, you will really think that's a good idea when I show up weighing 300 lbs.

I wrote my coach and she suggested I try minimalist shoes. I will do that. I will go out on Saturday morning (weather permitting) and do a few miles. I cannot sit for the rest of my life. Spinning and swimming are just not doing it for me.

I still haven't heard about the job - and have since decided that I don't really want it. I am dreading the phone call. Dreading.

I am extremely tired and need to go to bed.

I can say that I am grateful that I am sober and able to face whatever the future holds - with God's help.

Volitional?

2011-12-20T19:41:00.001-07:00

If I felt like killing time, I would edit out the pole in the foreground - but I don't feel like it.

There are many things in the big book that I believe with all of my heart. One of them is:

"most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 24

It is my experience that once I took any alcohol whatever into my body, I had no control over the amount of alcohol I would drink or what would happen to me once I drank it. And furthermore, it is my experience that I seemed to have no control over taking that first drink, thereby setting up this whole pathology. I do not believe I ever picked up a drink and said "I choose to drink today." I needed to drink, not because I was "addicted" to alcohol, but because I am an alcoholic and my body and mind are different than those of my fellows. I felt "restless, irritable, and discontented" unless I could "again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks." (p. xxvi)

I drank, and drank, and drank, and drank. It made absolutely no difference to me that I hurt people I loved. It made absolutely no different to me that I found myself in situations that were perilous. It made no difference to me that I was ruining my health and all of my relationships. None. No difference. This was not because I was selfish (although selfishness was certainly a symptom), it was because I was in the grip of a disease that was much more powerful than I was.

When I had enough to drink, I was done. I believe it took a lot of booze for this moment to arrive. And I believe that God was working in my life all that time - through my drinking and in my getting sober.

I didn't get sober because I wanted to be "good" or stop hurting people. I got sober because something inside of me changed. Nobody said any magic words to me. Nothing external happened. I just had enough.

I asked God for help and became ready to do what I had to do to stay sober.

After a year or so, I thought I had gotten sober. I thought I had done "the work" and therefore was sober. After a few more years, I realized there was no amount of work in the world that could have produced one sober day or the things that had happened in my life.

I realized that my drinking was not volitional. And my sobriety was not really volitional. And once I realized that, I could understand that God was doing for me what I could never do for myself. Never.

I have tapped into a power greater than myself. That power is God.

I did not get myself sober. I do not keep myself sober. I did not "wise up" and stop drinking. I drank until I couldn't drink any more. Then I threw myself on the mercy of God and my fellows in Alcoholics Anonymous. I did the simple things you told me to do. I call that cooperation. That's all. Just cooperating with someone who wants to give me a huge gift.

I was doing my best in 1983, and I am doing my best at the end of 2011. I need to look at everyone I meet and realize they are also doing their best. Sometimes it is not very good, but I believe it is their best. When I could do better, I did. And I trust others will too.

By the grace of God, I have been sober all day today. I will lay my sober head on my pillow and thank God for another blessed day.

Going Postal

2011-12-19T19:08:00.002-07:00

I went to the post office at lunch today. The line was all the way through the post office and out through the door and around the bend to all the post office boxes. I thought I would take a picture. By the time I got through the door and into the actual post office, my line-mates were angry.

"No wonder they are going broke!" "This is so inefficient!" "Oh, great time to go to lunch - thanks a lot!" Etc., Etc.

I said to them "I worked at the post office for one Christmas, and it is NOT a cherished memory." They laughed. But the guy behind me asked me why I thought they couldn't do it better. I asked him what he thought they might do - he suggested hiring more people. I told him they are broke and besides, every window had a person behind it - working as hard as a person can. I asked him to watch the customers - they all get to the window and haven't wrapped their box right, or don't have the address done right, or something - and it takes time. I told him that line would be like that all day long - and the employees need to eat lunch and go to the bathroom occasionally! And they have to deal with angry people all day long. He finally said "No wonder they call it 'going postal.'" Indeed.

I was 21 years old. I had a "good" job, but in the early 70s, a "good" office job for a woman paid virtually nothing. I applied for a job with the PO. I took the civil service test and got the job. I felt I had to take it - I think it paid about 2 times as much as the office job. They put me in the back, sorting mail, to start. I LOVED that job. I threw mail all day. I was good at it. My hours were 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., and I could drink like a fish at night and still make it to work on time. Unfortunately, as in most jobs, if you are good at something, they give you a job doing something else. They wanted me to be a window clerk, at a small, two-person post office.

Me and the general public are not really the best possible combination. I did the job well enough, but it was really hard for me to deal with all those people all day long. And I didn't show up about one day a week because I was drinking so much. One time I drank all night and showed up at work drunk - I ended up passing out at the window while trying to calculate postage to Taiwan. I woke up propped up in an office chair covered with vomit. Oh, the good old days!

I started looking for another job and when my old boss was called for a reference, he drove over to the post office, stood in my line and asked me to come back to my old job. He paid me as much as I had made at the post office. And that was a very good thing.

I lasted an entire nine months at the post office. But I will never forget what it felt like to stand at that counter feeling like I was vulnerable and available to any kind of nutty chicanery the public could possibly come up with.

I am not only grateful that I am sober today, but I am grateful for the reminder of what it was like. It was pretty awful. I wish I could find my old partner from the two-person PO - because I made his life hell when I didn't show up or when I showed up drunk. I heard he died just a year or so after I left. I certainly owe him an amends. I have nothing but respect for postal employees, it is a tough job. And I am really glad I am not doing it anymore.

I wish I could go back and make amends to my old boss. John was very very good to me. He told me when I gave notice that I was a great employee - when I was there. If I would have stayed, he would have put me on an attendance plan - ha! As if a plan from a boss could keep me from getting drunk!

I am so grateful for the Grace of God - I am sober and not dealing with any of these issues today. And I hope the people I talked to today thought about it a little bit. I hope maybe they will think before they go off on someone who is just doing their level best at a very unpleasant job.

Let's cut each other a bit of slack, OK? Can we just make an effort to? Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now.

Spinning...

2011-12-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

I went to a 6 a.m. spin class this morning. It will be my last for a while - the insanity of the holidays is upon us. No class next week - and in January it will be crammed to the gills with the resolutioners. I will need to stay away for a while because I am not good at dealing with huge crowds.

I only read a few blogs this morning, because I need to be at work right now and instead I am sitting in sweat drenched bike shorts and shirt. I need to make this super quick.

The MRI yesterday was fine. My head did not need to be in the tube, so I got to skip the whole claustrophobia thing. It was nice to know the man was sitting outside in the waiting room - waiting for me. I even let him keep my purse for me.

When we got to the place, it was 6:20 a.m. There was only one person there. A great huge black woman with orange hair. She was yawning and complaining about how tired she was. She started talking about her Christmas shopping and I responded to something. She looked at me as if to say "Excuse me? Was someone talking to YOU?" And I realized she was talking to my boyfriend. They had a great chat, and I sat looking at my phone. She did most of the talking, and he listened attentively. He does that well. It was very heartwarming to me.

I am devoid of ideas this morning. I think I am in survival mode. I wouldn't say it is going to be a difficult week, because I will make every effort for it not to be. But let me tell you, it is going to be an effort.

This phony family happiness crap is not my strong suit. I have a lifetime of memories to deal with. I have a fractured family that still has sharp edges that seem to get sharper at this time of year. And I don't have to pretend it is something different.

It is what it is. That is where I need to start. And when you start from reality, you are more likely to have realistic expectations and plans.

I know that God will be with me every second of every day. And that is really all I need.

Sunday Happenings

2011-12-18T04:55:00.001-07:00

I am going for my much feared MRI this morning. My fella is picking me up at 5:45 a.m. How crazy is that? How nice that he is willing to do this. He said he will text me when he leaves the house so I will know he is awake and on his way. How thoughtful!

Last night I couldn't sleep. Thinking about the MRI. Thinking about what I have to wear that is cute but has no metal in it. Think about it ladies, this means no normal bra with hooks or underwires .... so I will wear some funky old sports bra I have. And I think a dress with leggings. If I were going alone, I would be wearing sweats and a t-shirt. But we are going out for breakfast after, and I can't go out for breakfast in sweats.

Then since the middle of the night is the best time for self-doubt to creep in, I thought about my interview on Friday. I thought about things I said, but particularly all the "ummmmmm, ummmmmm...." answers. Because almost every question she asked me caught me off guard. And that is probably not a good interview. Here is the good part about that -- I have a job. I don't even dislike it. I could easily spend the rest of my career there. Which is another reason for self-doubt. Why change everything up at this advanced age? It would take a whole other page to list the reasons, so I won't. But there are good ones... like the need for a challenge, and the need for a change.

But I won't be terribly unhappy if I find I don't get this job. I will probably be ecstatic if I do though.

OK, so this is the kind of thinking that spins around my mind in the night.

And now it is a new day. The sun will come up, and I will have my MRI over with in a couple of hours. I will get to have a nice breakfast with this man who impresses me more every day.

I know that God is "large and in charge," so it's going to be OK. No matter what.

I'm likely to stay sober today - and I hope you all do too.

Coming Home

2011-12-17T09:46:00.002-07:00

Look at what my kids gave me for my birthday!

God truly can write straight with crooked lines. I have been despairing at the meeting I have been attending for a while (well, 17 years), and I have prayed about it. I have been sponsoring someone who is having the same issues with the meeting. I told her that if she was looking for a sponsor to tell her to "write inventory" about the group or some other such thing, she had the wrong sponsor. I told her what my sponsor told me -- "go to another meeting." Do not persist in going to a group you don't like. It is that simple. But the time and place are so convenient!

This morning, I woke and thought I could easily make it across town to go to my old homegroup. When I walked in the building and saw the old threadbare stained carpet, and the old 80s office chairs chained to the wall in the lobby, I thought - Well, this seems to be my old homegroup. I got to the meeting 20 minutes early because seating is always an issue. When I walked into the meeting room, I was greeted by strangers - it was reassuring to me. They didn't know me but they greeted me warmly and made me feel welcome. What kind of awesomeness is that?! And then old friends started drifting in. I haven't been to that group for a while, so they were shocked (pleasantly) to see me.

The man who took me to my first meeting was there! There were at least 4 people in the room who are sober longer than me! They remember me as a young woman. The woman who chaired the meeting has known me since the day I came to my first meeting. She said to me and two other women who were bat-shit crazy back in the 80s (and into the 90s) that she really appreciates who we are today because she knows the misery we went through to become the people we are.

We talked about gratitude! We talked about working with others! We talked about GOD!

It was an AA meeting. A meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. With people who are firmly committed to their sobriety and being sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous. Happily sober, grateful, faithful alcoholics. Wow.

I know where I belong. I simply MUST make that trip at least once a week.

Some people say they have never been to a bad meeting. (an old timer I knew used to say that if you haven't been to a bad meeting, you are not going to enough meetings.) Some people think they ought to work on themselves if they are finding a meeting objectionable. That all sounds good.

But I say, you must find a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous where alcoholics are talking about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Not what their therapist said. Not how they would love to have a drink. Not how being sober doesn't matter. Not how the only important thing is to "keep coming back."

Oh, thank you God! for sending me back to my home group. I know where I belong. And I am eternally grateful that I can still go there.

And now I am going to stick some vegetables in that fancy food processor and make a great breakfast! I couldn't believe they bought me that! I have an old, first generation, Cuisinart - from about the time I got sober. It still works, but it looks so bad, I have it hidden in a cabinet... on a top shelf where it is a pain to drag it down. But this thing is so beautiful, I will leave it on my kitchen counter! And maybe my sober daughter wants my old one. I forgot to ask her last night.

So grateful. So grateful.

As I sat in that meeting, it occurred to me that my blogging community has probably been my only link to real program I have had in the last couple of years. For that, I thank you with all of my heart.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, Mary Christine.

Friday

2011-12-16T06:29:00.001-07:00

A bowl of Pho Tai

I had a lovely birthday yesterday. A meeting, mass, swimming 1500 meters, manicure, pedicure, lunch out (see above), and dinner out at a lovely steakhouse with my man. At the restaurant, they overheard us talking about my birthday and brought us a piece of mocha ice cream cake, compete with candle.... but no singing, thank God!

Today I have a telephone interview at 10:30 and that is all I am going to say about that. If you are inclined to, please say a prayer.

I was looking forward to starting this decade of my life. When I think about it being my seventh decade, it makes me kind of queasy, so I think I will just enjoy today.

As Pammie says, I will try to stay in today, because that is where God lives. And I will thank him, because he has been so good to me.

I think I will probably stay sober this day, and I hope you all do too.

I am 60 today

2011-12-15T05:47:00.001-07:00

Well, I made it. It is my 60th birthday. Before I even got out of bed this morning, I thanked God - for another sober day, another sober birthday, a good clean life.

So, I will get to a 6:30 AA meeting this morning. Then I will go to mass. Then to the pool for 60 lengths - 1500 meters. Then to the spa for a mani - pedi, etc. My boyfriend is taking me to one of my favorite restaurants tonight.

I am more grateful than words can express. Although my life is not where I thought it would be, it is more wonderful than I ever could have dreamed. Because the things I do not have are not really the important things, but the things I do have really are important.

I keep thinking about my mother this morning. She died when she was 57. If I want to complain about how old I am getting, I think of how she would have loved to have gotten old.

So, I have another sober day, and another opportunity to be of service to God and my fellows. And what could be better than that?

Thank you bloggers for being such a wonderful part of my life. xoxoxox, Mary Christine

Last day of my 50s.

2011-12-14T07:31:00.001-07:00

I woke up and thought about the decades this morning.

When I was turning 10, I was a young pre-alcoholic - a drunk before the magic of the first drink.
When I was turning 20, I was a young drunk.
When I was turning 30, I was a wife and mother and drunk - and a new runner. I was so excited to run 3 miles on the morning of my 30th birthday.
When I was turning 40, I was sober 7 years and happy as can be to be turning 40. I spent the night of my birthday at an AA dance. It was delightful.
When I was turning 50, I was sober 17 years, lived right here in this house, and worked right where I will work today. I had a new boyfriend who I loved (and later got drunk and never got sober again). I had a huge party and it was awesome. I had just gotten my master's degree and a new promotion and the world appeared to be my oyster.

The world is different to me now. I am older. I have lived in the same house for 10 years (with not much appreciable increase in equity). I have worked at the same place for over 17 years, in the same job for 10 years. I have had 2 fiances in the last ten years, but never married. It will be work for me to keep my perspective positive tomorrow. But I will do the work and hopefully reap the rewards.

I had planned to take my kids and grandkids out for dinner. My daughter told me yesterday that my older grandkids can't come. I nearly cried. I have planned this for 2 months. I have verified and verified that they can all come. But two days before the event, they can't come. I wanted to have a self-righteous fit. This is my ex-husband's fault! He has custody of the older kids, the offspring of my addict/alcoholic daughter. And believe me, it really is his fault. But how much energy am I willing to spend on that? Probably not much. So, I have arranged to move my dinner to Friday night and my boyfriend stepped right up and is taking me out for dinner on my birthday. Which will be just wonderful.

But let me be didactic for a moment and let you know that my inclination was to say "screw you all, I'm not taking you out for dinner at all, I'd rather go to McDonald's alone." Hopefully I have learned to stop cutting off my nose to spite my face. Or as Dave would say "Would I rather be right or be happy?" I am choosing to be happy.

And an update from yesterday: I called my fella last night and asked him if his offer to take me to my MRI appointment was still good. He said yes, and I said "Thank you, I would love it if you would take me." And I told him I have independence down to a fault. He said "I understand, I have the same disease." Bless his heart.

Also, there is something exciting in my job world. Things may be changing soon! I am very excited and hopeful. But man, what a change it will be! God's will, not mine, be done.

Thank you bloggers for being such a big part of my life. I really appreciate you. (Especially Pammie's new term, "web-balls.")

"I fear only one thing - to keep my own will." -- St. Therese Lisieux

Tuesday

2011-12-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

The doll I found - after searching at many, many stores

Can I just ask, is there a reason that female news anchors need to wear skin tight red mini-dresses? It is almost a uniform, it is so ubiquitious. I really would enjoy hearing a middle aged fat woman tell me what's happening.

I managed to get to the pool this morning and swim 1 kilometer. I am working my way up to one mile. I can't run 6 miles on my 60th birthday, so I will swim 60 lengths of the pool - for a total of 1500 meters, or .93 miles. It doesn't feel or sound as wonderful as 6 miles, but it is what I have to work with. And if there is one thing I have learned in AA, it is how to work with what I have, play the ball where it lays, etc.

I need help here - I am actually asking for advice - and then I will probably get annoyed with the advice I get - but here goes. My boyfriend urged me very strongly over the weekend to schedule the MRI for my foot and get this taken care of. I have a triathlon in June and I need to be fit in time for that. So, I called yesterday and scheduled an MRI for 6:45 a.m. on Sunday morning. I texted my guy with that news - he texted back "good for you!" Last night, he called and asked me if I wanted him to take me to the MRI. I hemmed and hawed and finally said - oh, it is so early in the morning - he said "I'll be up anyway..." I said I will think about it. I am not used to having a romantic type man want to help me and I am having a hard time being comfortable with it. I guess I should call him and tell him "Thank you, I would LOVE for you to take me to the hospital for my MRI." But my stomach kind of turns when I think of that.

Here is where I think I can't "trust my gut." My gut has years of maladaptive behavior - that it is perfectly comfortable with. My gut freaks out when I do something new and perhaps healthier. Is seems like it would be healthier to let someone who cares about me help me. But my nature screams "NO! Don't Do It!"

Let me hasten to tell you that I have no problem calling my AA friends for help with all manner of things. I call my sponsor many times each week - practically every day. I am good at asking for that kind of help.

I just have such a bad history with men that I really have no "gut" for what a healthy romantic relationship should feel like.

What's this got to do with sobriety? you may ask.... Here is what. I once heard an old sage say there are two things that people get drunk over - "romance and finance." I have found that to be true. I am not likely to get drunk over this, but it is confounding to me. I like to think I am pretty smart, but I think my 11 year old granddaughter would have more sense about dating than I do.

So, I have asked for advice... have at it. And I'll try not to argue or complain. (try)

And I will pray, because if I know anything it is this:

"Your Heavenly Father will never let you down!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 181

December 12

2011-12-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

It's Monday - time to get back to work. I should also be working out this morning, but this foot hurts so bad that even the thought of swimming doesn't appeal. Oh dear, this could be disastrous.

Honestly, I have been sitting here for 10 minutes staring at this screen. I don't know that this has ever happened to me before. I have started writing a couple of things that are just simply complaining. I don't want to complain. So - here's what's good:

I got a birthday card from my brother - he said he was proud of me - and I believe him. If you knew our history, you would know what a miracle this is.

Those flowers are sitting on my dining room table, someone cared enough about me to bring them to me.

You will note that the lace tablecloth has been usurped for the month of December by this velvet table runner - it was a gift last year from my favorite psychiatrist. I <3 him.

It is a delightful thing to be a Broncos fan right now. I <3 Tim Tebow.

I have a job - I have taken cuts in pay for the last three years and will take another in July - but I still have a job.

There are no such things as debtors prisons in the United States of America. (I can still pay my bills, but the margin is getting slimmer every day and I am starting to worry.)

My sponsor is a wonderful woman and I got to talk with her last night. She always tells me she loves me and thanks me for sharing my life with her. I <3 her.

I had phone calls and text messages from women I sponsor over the weekend. They may drive me to distraction at times, but I <3 them.

My kids are all having challenges of different sorts right now. But none of them are legal problems. None of them are drug or alcohol related problems. They are just life problems. I <3 my kids (and grandkids).

My 60th birthday is this week. It is happy and sad. I realized that I will qualify for "senior" rate at the movies and that can never be a bad thing. But it is sad to know that so much of my life is gone. I had planned to run 6 miles to celebrate my birthday - just as I ran 3 to celebrate my 30th... but my foot will barely allow me to walk - slowly. I am still grateful that I am a person who takes no medications for blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc.

I am grateful most of all that God has graced me with another day of sobriety. Because no matter what else is going on, my sobriety is the most important thing. Because no matter what else is good in my life, it all turns to crap if I pick up a drink. And no matter what else is bad/scary about my life, I know it will be OK if I just trust in God and do the next right thing (thank God it is my left foot that is hurting).

So, I think I will stay sober again today, and my hope is that you do too. xoxox

10,001

2011-12-11T05:20:00.001-07:00

A photo from the Mount Desert Island Marathon, October 16, 2011

OK, so I'll stop the counting tomorrow. I just wanted to make the point that every day is a miracle when we are sober. I always worry about the folks who manage to stay sober for a year and and are greeted at their birthday meeting with balloons, flowers, cards, and gifts. I am always the wet blanket who tells them they need to show up on day 366 too... even without the flowers and balloons.

Yesterday was the most wonderful day. A beautiful crisp, sunny, cold winter morning to join my pals for a few miles (the last four of which were incredibly painful). I don't know why I didn't take any photos of the sparkling snow covered mountains. Then I raced across town to meet a friend for a movie at 10:30 a.m. We saw New Year's Eve. I would not call this a "good" movie - but it was nice to enjoy a movie on a Saturday morning with my friend.

Then I raced back across town, went grocery shopping and came home and started cooking for my boyfriend. He arrived and I was not even remotely ready, it was really kind of nice. He brought me flowers, and helped me with dinner. We watched the Republican Debate after dinner. It was just so nice and normal. For someone who has been single for as long as I have, "normal" with a man is a really nice thing. Today we are going to do some Christmas shopping together.

I have realized that I have ignored this foot problem for as long as I can. I must have the MRI. I am terrified to have an MRI. As someone who reads patient safety publications all day long, an MRI machine is the last place I want to be. I think my running/walking days are over for a while. I can barely walk right now. My left foot is swollen and very painful. (The doc thinks it is a stress fracture and ordered an MRI - now months ago - and I just haven't had it.)

I am so looking forward to this day. First mass, then breakfast and shopping with my fella, and then serious sofa time with the Denver Broncos. It's Tebow Time!!!

Thank you God for this beautiful life. I think I will stay sober for another day today, and I hope all of you do too. xoxoxox

10,000 Days

2011-12-10T06:27:00.001-07:00

My sobriety countdown

For my 10,000th day of sobriety, I think I will go out with my running club this morning. Then I will go to a movie with a friend. After the movie, I will go grocery shopping and come home and make dinner for the boyfriend. All day long I will be thanking God for his incredible limitless grace.

I watch other alcoholics, in meetings and on blogs, and they astound me with their wonderful working of this program. They are busy with service work and self-improvement. They have had spiritual awakenings and rigorously live by these principles.

I am sorry, but that is not my story. I have screwed up absolutely everything that could have been screwed up. In my first years of sobriety, I actually left meetings and made fun of people I met there. I had friends who were happy to join me in this past time. I put WAY more effort into my career than into my program. I lost custody of my kids when I was 6 years sober. My behavior with men was less than exemplary. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.

By the Grace of God, and when you behave like this it is clear that it is the Grace of God, I have not had a drink for 10,000 days.

Let me also be quick to add that there were a few things I did right. Like I went to meetings, I never stopped doing that. I got a sponsor. I tried to help other alcoholics. I usually had one or another suffering alcoholic camped out on my couch in those early years (which helped me to lose custody of my kids because sometimes these were unsavory characters).

But in balance, I don't think this small amount of work could possibly account for the tremendous bounty of blessings I have received.

When I could do better, I did do better. What a miraculous thing to find that suddenly you are a functional person in your community, in your workplace, in your family!

I am so very grateful for God's grace and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. They have made my life worth living. I can report that I actually have a peace of mind and I am happy about my life today. This is amazing news for someone who has been suicidal for a large percentage of her life. I am grateful for the people I have known over the years, and that includes quite a few bloggers. I am grateful for this small community of sober souls.

I better stop gushing about how grateful I am and put that gratitude into action by getting on with my day.

Thanks and Love,

Mary Christine

9,999

2011-12-09T06:07:00.001-07:00

This photo is the "back side" of the photo I posted yesterday. I was taking photos of the sunrise, and for some reason, decided to take a photo of what was behind me - my car, still running, with headlights streaming out into the dawn. Actually, the drivers side door was left open while I ran out to quickly snap a few pics.

On this, my 9,999th day of sobriety, I had intended to go to a spinning class - but I just couldn't move myself fast enough to get there by 6 a.m. So, I have read blogs instead. My computer (MacBook) is fast enough today which leads me to believe that it is my internet connection that needs some speed. It seems I need to replace the modem every year or so. Sad, because it costs money. And I am having a bit of a shortage of that right now.

Last night I went to church and a verse I have heard all my life just leapt out and entered my heart. And I cried (of course). It was "Do not be afraid, Mary" spoken by the angel Gabriel. Now, I know that was spoken to a young woman in Israel over two thousand years ago, but yesterday it felt like it was spoken just to me.

There really is a lot to be afraid about right now. But there is also an awful lot to be grateful for. And I know that when I trust God and just do the footwork, things tend to be OK. Maybe not exactly the way I want them, but OK.

I'm getting my hair cut and colored tonight. And when I can relax and not think about the million things I have to get done, I really enjoy sitting around the salon. I have had the same hairstylist for the last 8 or 9 years, so we "know" each other. I love to read trashy magazines (People, etc.) that I refuse to buy. I love the female camaraderie. Even though I have a huge weekend ahead where I have a ridiculous number of things to get done, I will make every effort to enjoy my little time-out at the salon.

It's all in how I want to look at things. I think I will try to stay on the happy side today. I may not be able to, but I will make the effort.

And I will thank God that I am sober for another day.

9,998

2011-12-08T07:19:00.001-07:00

On this (9,998th) day of sobriety, I did go to the pool and I swam one kilometer. I stopped at a park on my way home from the gym and took some photos of the sunrise. I love the dawn light.

My computer or internet connection has slowed down to the point that I cannot possibly visit all of your blogs today and still get to work on time. Some of you have so many doo-dads on your blogs that it takes all day to load.

Last night I was on the phone all evening. I heard from so many people! Including Ed, my old boyfriend. He and my daughter attend the same meetings these days and hang in the same social circles. He raved about how great she is doing. I was happy to hear that, but I said "she is going a little bit crazy and I am really worried about her." He laughed and said "Crazy? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree! Ha! I remember you when you were that age!"

I don't know if there is anything so comforting as talking with someone who has known you for half of your life. All of my sobriety I have known this man. God Bless Him.

Later I heard from another friend I have known since I got sober. She remembered that I have a birthday coming up. Bless her heart, she did not know how old I am. So, I got to tell her!

You cannot believe how I am walking around telling everyone - I am going to be 60 years old next week! I did the same thing when I was 30. I never thought I would be excited about 60, but I am. It doesn't hurt that people tell me I look like I am in my early 40s. Good. In fact, someone at church last week thought my granddaughter was my daughter! Oh, that was nice! Another friend tells me I wouldn't be so happy to be this age if I looked it. OK. That's fine.

I am grateful to have lived so long. I am grateful to have been sober for 9,998 days of my life. I was delighted when I saw my first gray hair - that was a long time ago - and I don't even know what my natural hair color is anymore.

Sobriety has been very very good to me. I am grateful for God's mercy instead of his justice. His justice would have me dead, in prison, locked in a psych ward, or sitting as a lonely old lady. His mercy has given me sobriety and a life I never could have imagined!

Staying sober is good. Let's all do it today, OK?

9,997

2011-12-07T06:44:00.001-07:00

This is my 9,997th day of sobriety. I think I will try to make it as special as the other 9,996 days that God has blessed me with. In fact, instead of having oatmeal for breakfast, I have made rice pudding and it is currently baking in the oven.

I am finding my mornings increasingly unmanageable. I am "sleeping in" until after 5 a.m., and that does not leave enough time for blogging and getting a workout and getting to a meeting. This morning I intended to go swimming, but time has run out as I have sat at this computer, so I will try to get to the pool after work. Knowing that by the time I am done working for the day I don't want to do anything.

Last night I searched the local AA central office website for a meeting nearby. I have gotten into such a habit of going at 6:30 a.m., I don't even know what meetings meet here at night. Imagine my surprise when I saw a meeting I used to go to years ago, not even a mile away. I thought they stopped meeting! I was wrong, they only stopped meeting on Thursday, not Tuesday. I drove for one minute and got to the meeting. And frankly, I thought the meeting was terrible. The woman who chaired the meeting talked eight times! Eight! There was a new woman there who probably talked eight times as well. She can be excused for that, but she will have a rude awakening if she goes to another meeting and finds that behavior is considered unacceptable in other places.

So, I will probably keep going to that meeting. It is not my "cup of tea" but that is OK. It is good to switch things up every now and then.

I went to the dentist yesterday afternoon and got some really upsetting news. The hygienist really made me feel good when she praised my clean teeth and healthy gums. Then the dentist came in and told me about a terrible cavity that will need a root canal and a crown - if I'm lucky. Otherwise I will need an extraction and a bridge. They gave me a little bag with a toothbrush and toothpaste and ushered me into the little "financial arrangements" room. Well, I am looking at $1,100 for best case scenario, and $3,600 for worst case scenario. Oh, and this is AFTER the insurance pays their share. You know, I no longer have money hanging out so I don't exactly know how I am going to do this. I told them I had to go away and figure this out . And it is one of my front teeth! It is not an option to lose this tooth. Well, I guess it is an option, but not a good one.

There is a woman I sponsor who calls me with tragedies every day. I always tell her that God will see her through. I have to explain sometimes though that God isn't going to see that we have tons of money and no problems. But God sees us through in that he will give us the grace to get through what we need to get through. And all kinds of wonderful things happen when you place your trust in him.

I will trust him again today. Because he has never let me down.

Heart

2011-12-06T06:54:00.001-07:00

This little girl has captured my heart. I swore I wasn't going to post pictures of her here, but here I am. I put this photo on my cell phone as the wallpaper yesterday and every time I picked up the phone I smiled.

This morning I included some new links on my sidebar. I haven't done that for a very long time.

I realized this morning that all the people I had linked to had already been attacked by our little nutty friend from down under. I think he has been gone for a year and a half now. He did write to all of us in an attempt to make amends, but I didn't believe him at the time. Apparently he really was done because only one of us has heard from him since. (Aren't you the lucky one AnyEdge?)

A link from me used to mean you would be attacked unmercifully. It was unbelievable. Hundreds of the most insane comments you could imagine. He called me a "shape-shifting reptile" among other things. We all were attacked, and anyone we linked to on our blogs were attacked.

He would copy our photos and post them on his blog in the most vile ways.

Obviously I wouldn't have posted a photo of someone I loved.

Should I really trust that things have changed? I guess I am starting to trust that.

And if he comes back, you can blame me.

At the hospital, we have a superstition that you must not ever use the full name of a troublesome patient who is now discharged. Somehow using the full name will call them back to the hospital. And frankly, I don't know how anyone gets assaulted by a patient and comes back the same day to care lovingly for that patient. I could not do it, I know that. That is why I work in an office.

So I hope I have not summoned him by talking about him. God bless him... I hope he got the help he needed and is now happily prospering in the Australian sun.

And I hope you are all prospering happily under the sun wherever that may be. Sober, by the Grace of a loving God.

The High Expectation Season is Upon Us.

2011-12-05T07:12:00.001-07:00

I had a delightful day yesterday with my granddaughter. I normally cherish my alone time, but after she left, the house felt a little bit empty and a little bit too quiet. The absence of giggles is something I don't normally notice, but it is almost painful once the awareness is there. My son has an amazing daughter - and he is missing these wonderful moments. My daughter-in-law has the days counted until he comes home. I think it is 117 today.

I'll get back to my work-a-day world today. I am grateful for it.

This is a difficult time of the year for a lot of us. The expectation is that it is "the most wonderful time of the year," but that expectation carries a lot of baggage. We have memories of things past - maybe our now deceased parents, maybe our ex-spouse and happier times around the Christmas tree. Maybe just the memory of happy children who are now unhappy adults. Maybe we don't have the money to buy all the gifts we feel committed to purchase. Maybe we would like to go to a party if no one asked us any questions... sometimes our lives are so complicated it is terrible to watch a friendly face go all "how can I get away from this person- stat!" once we start talking about just simple facts of our lives.

I am grateful to be as old as I am and to have had quite a few sober holidays behind me. I will be fine. But it is sad to watch others struggle. I know how painful it can be. For me, these days have meaning, but they are all about something that happened 2011 years ago, and that is never an unhappy thing to meditate upon.

So, let me just say, just in case you need someone to: You have permission to take care of yourself. You may not be able to go to that party - it is OK - they probably won't even notice you're missing. You may need to drive to an event alone - so that you can leave without needing to explain or cajole someone else into leaving with you. You may need to hold that cell phone like a lifeline - and use it in the bathroom and other unlikely places - to stay in touch with your sponsor and other AA people. If you have a smart phone, you can get a big book app - mine is called "twelve steps, the companion," and then you are always carrying a big book with you.

For me, one of the most important things to realize is that I am not the center of the universe. The season will go right on with or without me. The world will not screech to a halt if I am drinking coffee while others are drinking cocktails - likely no one will even notice. And even if they do, it won't be as noticeable as my drunken debacles were. I may think I am central to an event, but I have found that new people step in to be "central" once I step aside. And I may need to step aside. Kids don't care if you purchase them something cheap - they may like it better than the really great present you were going to spend too much money on. And any adult who expects you to spend a lot on them is probably not worth the expense.

Back to basics: Don't drink, go to meetings, read the big book, call your sponsor.

And your higher power is just waiting to hear from you and would love to help you in ways you couldn't begin to anticipate. Just waiting! For YOU!

Sunday

2011-12-04T09:59:00.001-07:00

I put up the Christmas tree this weekend. What a lot of work! It always brings me joy to place the Texas boot - a gift from Dave U. of Higher Powered fame - on the tree.

I have the tiny granddaughter all day today while her mom is serving our nation. I took her to church with me. Oh, my aching back! It is a lot of work to keep a 13 month old quiet and peaceful for a solid hour! But we did it.

We are greatly looking forward to watching the Broncos game. I hope they can win again and maybe shut up the haters about a certain prayin' quarterback. We'll see. I still don't have the nerve to put my Broncos t-shirt on. Some weird part of me says it is bad luck for them.

I'm just a sober nana today. Nothing going on. Just cooking, baking, watching a baby, and going to church. God has been so very good to me.

Snowy Saturday

2011-12-03T09:00:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning at 4, ready to get up and go out with my running group. I looked out the window and saw blizzard like conditions and plenty of snow on the ground. I decided to bag it and go back to bed. And I slept until 8 a.m! CRAZY! It is the first time I have missed a group run because of weather. I feel like I slept all day!

I have a big date tonight - going to a trendy restaurant downtown. I have it in my mind that since it is cold and snowy, I need a pair of jeggings to go with my super cool boots - but I am fighting the urge to go out and buy such an age-inappropriate thing to wear. We'll see how I do with impulse-control today.

I had intended to be at the hardware store at their opening this morning to buy some more garland for my Christmas tree and a tree skirt. I got a 20% coupon in the mail the other day. I know that place gets mobbed when they have a coupon - and I usually arrive wondering what the big deal is. I have finally gotten to the place where I am looking at coupons very carefully and making decisions based on discounts. I did fight the urge to buy a beautiful Balsam Hill tree when they went on sale for Black Friday.... 40% wasn't enough of a discount in that case. Because the amount of money I "saved" doesn't make up for the amount of money I wasted on something I never needed.

What's this got to do with anything? Only everything. Although I have been sober for over 27 years, I am still an infant in learning how to live like a responsible adult. It just is not in my nature. It is my heart's desire though, so by the Grace of God, I get better every day.

By God's Grace, I pray to stay sober all day today and I hope you do too.

Spinning

2011-12-02T07:26:00.001-07:00

I didn't get around to taking any snow pictures yesterday. So, this is an old photo. And since I stopped posting on this blog a year ago yesterday, I really cut down on the photos one year ago yesterday. It is amazing to see how my photos change from December 1 2010 to June 1 2011.

This morning I went to the gym for a spin class. I haven't been to one of those in maybe a couple of years. I was happy to see that I could keep up with the class. Spinning is hard! My goal is to have a pool of sweat under my bike by the end of the hour like the lady in front of me. I am not there yet.

I have lately been semi-tortured by a memory from June 1968. It was really the beginning of me finding that I had no idea what was going to happen to me once I took a drink. That day many things happened to me - it was horrifying. As a 16 year old, I was so ashamed. Honestly, I would say that I have never given this day another thought for all these years. Until the last couple of weeks. And now I wake up thinking about it. I go to sleep thinking about it. I think about it on the treadmill and on the bike.

The funny thing is: as a nearly 60 year old woman, I look back at that 16 year old with a greater deal of compassion than I ever had before. Where there was shame, there now is sadness for that girl - and a bit of anger for people who would victimize her. I guess age can bring detachment from our own younger selves.

Alcoholism is a very degrading disease. It truly decimates a person.

"But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lies touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends adn employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 18

But by the Grace of God, we get to live a decent life with our heads held upright. No longer victims. God's children.

Strange Birds

2011-12-01T07:42:00.001-07:00

The birds aren't really strange as in odd, just strange as in I don't really know them. They are ordinary house finches. I love to watch them come to the feeder and eat. They are all over that aspen tree in my back yard.

It is snowing like crazy. I got up at 4 and was in the pool by 5 a.m. The ride to the pool and back was terrifying. I do a lot of talking to God on these ill-advised journeys of mine. I am hoping that if I don't leave for work until 8 a.m., most of the traffic will be gone and the plows will have been out. I think this might be wishful thinking as the tracks in the driveway from my car returning are already totally covered over with snow.

Today I am just grateful to God that I am sober, there is no real drama going on, I can go to work today - with only one meeting on my schedule - and come home from work tonight. I am grateful for an ordinary life today.

For an alcoholic, that truly is strange!

Living in this world

2011-11-30T06:37:00.001-07:00

My front door with the new solar lights

When I was new in sobriety, someone told me to focus on the similarities not the differences in people. Specifically, people in meetings. But I have found this to be wonderful advice that has served me well over the years. I even gave this advice to my daughters on their first day of kindergarten... having just heard it in AA.

Recently I had dinner with my best friend and a bunch of her friends and relatives. We used to argue to the point of screaming at each other about politics. Some people are just sure to their very soul that they are "right," and have no respect for people who aren't. She falls into that group. At dinner on Sunday, they started talking about politics - and threw in religion for good measure. They mocked politicians, religious leaders, and public figures. I kept my mouth shut somehow. And later in the conversation, I mentioned, with no ax to grind, my own religious affiliation (the one they had just mocked). Because although I don't need to defend any politician (however I may wish to), I cannot deny my faith.

Blessedly, there was no screaming involved. If I had stated my political opinion, I am quite sure there would have been. I am grateful that I have learned when to shut my mouth and sometimes I actually practice that! When looking for the similarities, there is usually some small morsel in the conversation that can be seized upon to find common ground. If that is your intention.

I am a person who is trying to practice these principles in all my affairs. That means respecting others. It means learning to live without resentment. It means being honest - and trustworthy. For me, this is work because it does not come naturally.

There are people in my life that sorely tempt me to live in resentment. I would love to dwell on how wrong they are and retaliate. However, the price I pay for indulging in this may be my very life. So, I opt to try to find common ground.

I have lately been praying in my office a lot. I have been going out of my way to try to get along with a couple of people. I have done this before and have found that miracles really do happen when you are willing to let go of your pride and ego and try to be of service to God and your fellows. We are not at the miracle stage yet - just the hard part stage. But I have faith and trust in God. He has never let me down.

In the immortal words of the famous philosopher Rodney King:
"People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along?"

I had a dream

2011-11-29T06:05:00.001-07:00

Last night I had a dream that is lingering in my consciousness. I wondered why I would dream such a thing. But as I read blogs this morning, I think I have an idea.

I dreamed my boyfriend and I were on our way to Maine - driving. For some reason (I think because I needed to use the bathroom), we stopped at my sister's house in eastern Long Island. Imagine making at pit stop in eastern New York on your way from Colorado to Maine! Oh, the dreams we have!

Anyway, the doors were unlocked and I went in and used the toilet. When I was done, I saw there were many people in the house. My sister showed up and was furious with me for breaking into her house and having a party there. Well, I had only come with my uber respectable boyfriend... but there were suddenly all these people - including Newt Gingrich reclining on a couch. And suddenly my boyfriend wasn't an uber respectable business man, but a 40 something pony-tail wearing man in dirty jeans - the pony tail had hair ties all the way down his back in two inch increments. I was so ashamed, and trying with all my might to herd all these people out of my sister's house. I apologized, but it didn't matter.

No matter how long I stay sober, I will always identify with the person whose attempt to live like they they think they see other people live somehow backfires and wreaks havoc. Somehow they have caused heartache to all those who love them. That was never my intention. I never knew an alcoholic or addict who intended to hurt those who loved them. Our intentions were good, but washed away without a memory as soon as we did what we HAD to do. "Then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen: Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair." (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 151)

This morning I get to remind myself that by the Grace of God, I have not been hurtful and wreaking havoc in the lives of those I love. It has been a long time since I have. But I still have that person inside of me - just waiting for the opportune moment to return. I have to maintain vigilance so she will not emerge.

And like a drunk dream, this dream was a good reminder of where I do not want to go. (and I don't mean Long Island - I mean the land where everyone is mad at me and I am baffled as to why.) And for that, and a million other reasons, I am grateful.

An Inside Job

2011-11-28T06:05:00.001-07:00

From my bike ride yesterday - and no, this is not "sepia," this is the color of winter in Colorado - until it snows.

No one ever said or did anything to me that made me want to get sober. No one ever said or did anything to me that made me want to live well.

I got sober when I was done drinking - and I believe I was "done" by the Grace of God. When I was done, I was done. I did not require much assistance from anyone - except the normal help of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. My sponsor helped me to get through the twelve steps which brought about a spiritual awakening which I believe kept me sober. My friends invited me to coffee and dinner and into their homes and hearts. That was a huge help.

When my daughter began her spiral into alcoholism and addiction my heart broke. She was the dearest child - the one with the golden hair and the crazy wild way of behaving that was so attractive to everyone but her teachers. My other two children are people I love and am proud of. They are accomplished adults. But this difficult one? She has a special place in my heart - I have spoken to many other mothers of alcoholics and addicts - and we all feel this way. We're slightly ashamed of it, but it is the truth.

I went to al-anon and was helped greatly. But being an alcoholic, I felt that I really had to be in AA meetings or risk losing my sobriety. I realized that all I could do was focus on living well. That would be the ONLY way I could carry any kind of message to my daughter. Intervening with her would not help, I knew this from my own experience.

When she was a minor, there were things we had to do - like reporting her as a runaway when she ran away. We did this so many times that her father and I had a schedule - we took turns reporting her. We eventually went to court and relinquished custody of her to the state. That was one of the most difficult days of my life. It was the only way she could be contained. She was locked up between the ages of 16 and 18. She graduated from high school and they let her go. She came back to my house. And went right back to her old ways.

Fast forward to 29 years of age: She had lost custody of her two daughters. She had lost her home (she had a period of high function, where she only drank and did not use drugs and she bought a house and gained a hundred pounds), she had lost many jobs in a row, she had even lost her apartment, she was essentially homeless. She experienced a heroin overdose. She was with "friends" who literally threw her out of their house so she wouldn't die in it - and get them in trouble. She was in an alley dying. Somehow she got someone to come and get her and she convalesced at his house. After a few weeks of staying in the house, no showers, no baths, just laying on the couch... she knew she had to do something. She found an AA meeting and the bus fare to get there.

She got to the meeting and found a group of people who understood her. She felt "at home" at last. She was done with drinking and using drugs. She has been sober since that day.

Am I secure in her sobriety? No. I am not secure about anyone's sobriety, including my own. I don't take anyone's sobriety for granted. I have had too many friends and relatives who were sober for a while and then weren't. I don't think there is anything more heartbreaking than that. Am I happy about her sobriety? Oh, yes. Is it what I thought it would be when I occasionally dreamed that she would get sober? No. But it is wonderful. It is not what I expected, but in many ways, it is much more wonderful. She is that golden haired wild child girl - only now she is 32 years old. What a blessing this is.

I am so grateful to God for my sobriety and my daughter's sobriety. I have some other loved ones who are sober - and I am so very grateful for that.

The familiar refrain when I see someone who looks like they are really going to stay sober? They say they were done. Done. They have absolutely no desire to go back to that way of life. And that is an inside job. No one can do that for you. That is internal to the core of your being.

Last night I got to have dinner with the woman who took me to my first meeting 27 years ago. She was my best friend for years. She will never be unseated as the best friend of my heart. I love her. But last night, she did not order a beer - probably because I was there. But she kept sipping her husband's beer. It was so weird to see her drinking - even though I have known for years that she is drinking. And when I drove away, I had an intuitive thought that she was probably pouring herself a nice big drink. Sad. But she was never convinced she was an alcoholic. We absolutely have to have a full knowledge of our condition to stay sober. It takes a lot of experience to get that full knowledge. No one else can give it to us.

I am so grateful to God for that gift - that being done. That desire to stay sober. That willingness to do what was suggested by the big book and my sponsors over the years.

November 27

2011-11-27T10:10:00.001-07:00

From yesterday's trail run.

Yesterday I registered for a Olympic distance triathlon. I talked one of my friends into registering for it too. I am very excited about this. It is challenging, but won't kill me like marathon training. I only have to train to swim one mile, bike 25 miles, and run a 10K (6.2 miles). Fun! I am going to get on my bike this afternoon for only the second time in this calendar year. I have become so afraid of biking after 2 accidents. But I will get on and do my best not to let fear control me.

I went to a meeting this morning where I saw many nice people I like a lot. It is nice when that happens. But regardless if it happens or not, I need to go to meetings. Because AA meetings are not really a social event, although it sometimes seems like they are.

Someone came by last night and left one of those "turds on the front lawn" kind of comments. He told me that my behavior was so bad that "there are plenty of bars that will have you." And "if you don't like what I have to say, tough. Go whine about it." Well, it's my blog and I just delete bullshit like that. If you don't like it, go talk to your sponsor about it.

I think this is a classic example of the "tough" without the "love."

And furthermore, why would you argue with someone's experience? It was my experience I was talking about - not my opinion. My experience.

My experience in AA has not been a straight line - and I will be the first to tell anyone that. I will also be quick to add that I have been sober since the day I hit the doors - on July 24, 1984. My point is usually that it is not up to me and my glorious WORK. It is by the Grace of God that I am sober. I believe the Grace of God is available to anyone who asks and has faith. There was some amount of cooperation required on my part and I did that to the best of my ability. In the beginning, I didn't have much ability, but I still did my best. Later my ability grew.

Let's try not to be judgmental asshats, OK?

We are all in the same lifeboat, let's try to get along.

Speaking of lifeboats, I am reading a book that I am finding riveting! It is called "Unbroken," and it is about an incredible man who found himself in a plane wreck in the Pacific in WWII - and then became a Prisoner of War. If you want to get really grateful really quick, try reading that book.

Have a beautiful sober day today. Remember we are all doing our best, and sometimes it isn't very good. But we can learn how to live, one day at a time, sober - by the Grace of God.

A New Tradition

2011-11-26T06:52:00.001-07:00

A look back at my pals - they're gaining on me!!!

My shoes and socks when I was done.

I am meeting my running club up in a little mountain town for a trail run this morning. I will be walking. But it is a good workout no matter what speed. The photos are from last year. This is only my second year doing this, but already it feels like a tradition I wouldn't want to miss. I have been looking forward to this for a month!

It really doesn't take long to make new traditions. If we are alcoholic, we NEED new traditions if we are to stay sober. Maybe when we were drinking, it worked to go to drunken Uncle Charlie's (with the booze flowing so freely) for our Thanksgiving or Christmas, but probably it isn't going to work if we want to stay sober.

I spent many holidays sitting in the AA clubhouse when I was new in sobriety. It sounds pitiful, but I came to love those holidays much more than I ever loved all the drunken celebrations before I got sober. You could pretty much trust people there to be the same all day - no major mood changes, no sudden rages, or souring of mood with the attendant sarcasm and cruelty. No airing of old grievances. (sorry to the fans of Festivus!) Just people in the same lifeboat, learning to love a new life. It was good.

I love traditions, but they don't have to be old to be good. I say it's never too late to get wonderful cherished traditions.

Thanking God today for this sober life. It's a wonderful life.

Gratitude

2011-11-24T18:23:00.001-07:00

It was a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. I started my day at a 6:30 AA meeting. The room was absolutely packed and the topic was gratitude - of course. Very nice.

At 10:00 my daughter and I went to a movie. There were maybe 10 people inside the theater, and that was nice.

This morning my sober daughter texted a photo of my old boyfriend with his arm around her. They were on an annual motorcycle trip to bring cigarettes, gloves, hats, blankets, clothes to the homeless. My old beau started that tradition many years ago. My daughter has gone along since she has been sober. It was so heartwarming to see Ed with his big arm around my daughter. I texted back my love.

I have had so many phone calls and texts to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. And some of them thanking me for my friendship. It is wonderful to know that I am a part of something larger - whether my family or AA. The feeling of belonging is so important to a human being.

My son (in Afghanistan) called while I was writing this. He has been sick and sounds not good. He didn't get to eat turkey today because the line was too long. But one of his friends grilled steaks later and he got one of those. It was hard to control my voice because I was about to burst into tears. Somehow I got off the phone without doing so. He doesn't need a weepy mama.

I will go to work for a few hours tomorrow in spite of the fact that I had scheduled it off. I have too much to do and I can't afford the whole day off. There will be very few people in my area of the hospital and I think I will be able to get my work done quickly. Good.

Sobriety has been so very good to me. In the last day or so I have been made more aware that I am a part of something so beautiful - the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

"There you will find release from care, boredom, and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. thus we find the fellowship, and so will you." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 152

Tender Ties

2011-11-23T21:10:00.001-07:00

Today I walked into a church and saw a bunch of people standing around. After a moment, I realized they were looking at the open casket of the man whose funeral it was. I saw a woman's back - short dark hair, tiny waist, beautiful black suit... and thought that was my friend. I saw her sister-in-law tap her on the shoulder and say "Look who's here..." She turned around and saw me and ran toward me. We hugged and cried and hugged and cried and hugged and cried. My best friend. Someone asked her who I was and she said "my best friend." No matter that we have not laid eyes on each other since 1999. We are best friends.

It was her brother's funeral. It was difficult. It was a sudden death of a super healthy man. My friend was having difficulty as you might imagine. She insisted that I sit with her at the funeral - so there I sat, with the family.

We got to talk intermittently for a couple of hours after the funeral. We sat together at the reception.

Oh, this all sounds so nothing. I can't seem to put this into words.

I got to see my best friend today after a 12 year absence.

The day I called AA for help, a young man answered the phone. After a moment he said he would have a woman call me back. A woman called me back. She listened to me for an hour. And then she insisted that I go to a meeting with her. I have been sober since that day. And that woman became my best friend. I was the only person she ever twelve stepped. I am so grateful.

I am so grateful to have had a moment with my friend. She will be in town for a week, but she has lots of family. We talked about going to the greek restaurant we used to go to all the time. I hope we can. But if all I got was to see her today, I am happy. I am thrilled. It is a terrible thing to miss a friend.

Oh, and this funeral was at the church where I came back into the fold back in the early 90s. The priest who used to be the pastor of the church (he moved away years ago) came to say the funeral mass of his friend. When I saw the priest, I ran over and hugged him. He helped me so much when I was struggling. What a beautiful thing to see him.

This post probably makes no sense. But I am just over the moon to have seen my friend. So many people I have ties to. Tender, beautiful ties of friendship, faith, family - love.

I have two pecan pies in the oven. The man who shut off my sprinkler system asked for one - but I guess he didn't think I would take him seriously. How long has he known me? Anyway, I called today and asked him if his helper was still around so I could make him a pie. He said it would mean the world to his helper man - who is now sober a couple of months. He said the guy said "I can't believe that lady would bake me a pie!" I told my friend that it would be the best thing I do this Thanksgiving.

I am so grateful to God for this sober life. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Day Before

2011-11-23T07:58:00.001-07:00

I went to the grocery store this morning instead of working out. I cannot deal with a grocery store crowded with people who do not know where anything is or how to park a buggy without blocking an aisle. So, I went this morning and instead dealt with the early morning staff with their stocking boxes in the aisles - that is easier for me.

I am going to work - where it will take everything I have not to point out that one of my co-workers has blown off one of her responsibilities and gone on vacation. I will sit in the meeting where she is on the agenda to present something and act surprised I guess when we all realize she isn't there and hasn't made provisions for this. We are developing a very poor relationship, she has said some atrocious things to me in the last week. This is where I must be very very careful - I know I am right. God save me from being right. Prayer, prayer, prayer. That is my only hope. Because left to my own devices, I would be doing something very different.

And then leaving at noon for a funeral. I hope I can keep my emotions from boiling over. I have identified already that I may react very badly to this loss. He was a good man, we were friends at one time. But I haven't talked to him for a long time. And I could easily let this take me down the "I am old, all the old things are gone, and my best days are over" road.

Prayer, prayer, prayer. That is my only hope. Left to my own devices, I would be having a little bit of whisky in my coffee this morning to "fortify" me and make the day more "bearable." HA! The things we tell ourselves!

With God's help I will stay sober today, and hope you all do too.

November 22

2011-11-22T06:36:00.001-07:00

This is a date that means a lot to people who are my age or older. I have not heard one reference to it so far on the news today. The world is run by people younger than I am. This is history to them. Not their own personal memory. I remember so well 48 years ago today, our young, handsome president was murdered.

The pillars and posts of collective memory - now my pillars and posts are shared with only a few. Not the majority. I am now of an older generation. Most of us are retired or are nearing retirement.

I learned over the weekend that one of my friends in early sobriety has died. A friend called and casually asked "did you know john ___?" I sat down and said "NO! Don't tell me he died!" He said "I'm sorry honey." So tomorrow I shall go to a funeral.

He was the older brother of my best friend. The woman I talked to on the first day I was sober. The one who hard-selled me into going to my first meeting. She was my sponsor for a few weeks, until I realized we would make better friends than sponsor/sponsee. We were the best of friends. I don't know if I have ever had such a close relationship. We not only got together very very often, but we talked on the phone for at least an hour a day until I was sober 13 or so years, when she moved to England (and then started drinking again). We called each other "sister," my kids call her "aunt." I was part of their family. Her older brother was also sober. We went to meetings together. We had holiday dinners together. We were "family." He was also my family doctor until I joined an HMO that he wasn't a part of. And now he is deceased.

I have not heard from my former BFF. (Our relationship went to hell in a hand-basket when she started drinking again.) I cannot imagine that she won't be here for the funeral. I will go there tomorrow afternoon and mourn the loss of a good man, and maybe see my best friend. I have not seen her since 1999 when her mother died. She stayed with me at that time.

Pillars and posts of my life... some have left and some are leaving. I better get used to it.

Because, one day at a time, I intend to stay sober - no matter what happens. By the Grace of God.

The love that went out of fashion

2011-11-21T06:19:00.001-07:00

Yesterday a man I know and love talked to me after the meeting. He wanted to be sure I knew about a conversation he had with one of my sponsees. He is a good man. He has seen a lot of chicanery in that group and does everything he can to avoid being involved in any. He loves his wife and wants to avoid any temptation to destroy that relationship. She (sponsee) came to him crying. He and another man talked to her for 15 minutes or so. They offered comfort. Soothing words. Sounds nice, huh?

I told him about a conversation I had when I was new in sobriety... maybe 30 or 60 days sober. I was having difficulty at home. I came to the AA club one day crying. I sat down with my friend Max. I started crying and telling him what "he" said, what "he" did. Max shocked me when he said "STOP." "Stop right now. When you come to me crying, my solution is for us to take off our clothes and do whatever comes next." "Go talk to a woman." I was embarrassed. But I learned a lesson. And that lesson was more valuable than his commiseration ever could have been.

I learned not to play games with AA people. My real intent was to get attention, and maybe even attention from Max. I could not have told you that at the time, but Max knew. When he told me to stop, I had to really look at my motivation. I had to take responsibility for myself.

Maybe six months later, I came running to the club crying again. I was upset and wanted a drink. Some man (I really don't remember who this was), asked me what was wrong. I told him, "I want to drink." I was thinking he would take me aside and talk to me for hours, sympathetically listening to all of my woes. Instead he reached into his pocket and handed me a dollar bill. I asked him, "what is this for?" And he shocked me when he said "for your first drink." I was shocked and hurt. But I stood there and really thought about it. I learned something absolutely invaluable for a sober person to know. Did I expect someone else to keep me sober? Or was I committed to being sober? Would I stop indulging in attention seeking behavior and take responsibility for myself? It occurred to me that I better do that if I wanted to stay sober.

This stuff was called "tough love." And it was the real deal. It was tough, but it was also love. I am so appreciative of those lessons, believe me, I have never forgotten them.

There were also people who had the "tough" part down, but skipped the love, and they gave tough love a bad name. I can tell you that I know no one these days who is willing to tell hard truths to people who are struggling and probably need some hard truths rather than soft shoulders to cry on.

I thank God for the people who were willing to care enough to sacrifice their "image" to actually help me. It is not that much fun to be the bad guy, but I think sometimes it is necessary.

I am grateful for those people who helped me to get sober by being tough guys and gals. That is what I needed. I also had the soft friends who I could run and whine to about the "meanie" who said things to me. But I remember the things that those tough guys told me. And I thank God for them.

I think I will stay sober today and I hope you all do too.

Sunday Morning

2011-11-20T11:24:00.001-07:00

Every morning in the last week as I was driving to the 6:30 meeting, I saw this tree outlined against a bright red sky, but I didn't have time to stop and take a photo. This morning as I left the house, I thought - I will take a photo this morning! But when I got there, the sky was not really red. If it was red, I would have walked out into the park to get closer to those huge gnarly trees in black against the red sky. Oh well.

When I got to the meeting, a sponsee came in and sat next to me. She said to me "I hate this f#$&ing meeting!" I got my phone out and did a search for "denver aa meetings before 8 am on sunday" and within a few seconds had a list. I showed her the list and asked her to pick one. She didn't move. I told her that if she stayed at that meeting, she needed to keep in mind that she had made that choice. She got up and left. When she called at 9 a.m., she told me about a wonderful meeting where she heard just the message she needed to hear. About doing God's will. It sometimes amazes me how someone will hear something as if for the first time - after hearing it for years.

I have to remember that I often needed people to help me with the most basic of choices when I was new in sobriety. And when I say new, I mean my first decade. So, I guess I can be patient with people who need help.

But I hope my manner has been different when I have needed help. I hope.

There is football and a sofa awaiting me in the other room. I better get to it... the wrong teams might win if I am not there to supervise.

I will stay sober even if the wrong teams win though... and I hope you do too.

Saturday

2011-11-19T11:28:00.001-07:00

What a glorious day it is. It is cold, it is sunny, it is just as I think a Saturday morning in November in Colorado should be.

I went out with my running group this morning and had a wonderful time. One of my favorite men of the group said he hardly recognized me without a skirt or a dress - it seems funny to see me in pants. I agree. If I had my way, I would wear a dress every day to every occasion. But it is kinda cold, so I have pants on.

Yesterday I had an awful day at work. It was not nice - at all. I talked with my boss about it and then it was time to leave for the weekend. I did not bring work home this weekend because I don't feel like doing anything "extra" right now. I would bring a martyr's attitude to it and life is too short to be a martyr. So, I am determined to have the best weekend I can and not dwell on what he said and she said. That leads me no where I want to go.

So, I had a wonderful dinner with the man last night. And a wonderful workout this morning. And I am about to have a wonderful lunch, then a wonderful nap, and then I will go to wonderful church. Tomorrow I will go to a wonderful meeting and then maybe something after that - I don't know what, but I know it will be wonderful.

It is good to be sober. It is good to be alive. I am grateful for the grace of God.

"holidays"

2011-11-18T05:59:00.001-07:00

I took this photo last year on Thanksgiving morning. I like it. I haven't been taking photos for some reason this year. Even though I have a new iPhone with a super cool camera. Oh well. I will get with it.

Well, "the holidays" seem to be upon us. I fight this term and this concept. It is so generic, so bland, and so loaded with commercial pressure.

Thanksgiving is the first. Well, actually some people consider Halloween the first of the season, but I am not going there. I love the spiritual meaning of Thanksgiving. Thanking God for our bounty. How wonderful is that? But, in practice, we all make virtually the same meal, which I don't even like. I don't like cooking it (and there are very few meals I do not enjoy cooking) and I don't really enjoy eating it. I don't particularly like turkey and eat it only once a year. I do like baking pies, and I will make some this year. I owe a couple of pecan pies to an AA friend. I will enjoy making those.

My family is somewhat fractured this year. My son is in Afghanistan. His wife and daughter are going to Nebraska to spend Thanksgiving with her parents. My older granddaughters will be in Montana with my ex-husband, their grandfather. That leaves my two daughters, one of whom will be terribly sad and missing her children. We decided to go to a movie rather than make a traditional dinner and sit around and think about what and who we are missing. I am really looking forward to that.

I have a birthday in mid-december. I think I might have mentioned that I will be 60 this year (every day for the last 6 months maybe?) I am still planning how I want to celebrate that. I think it will be a dinner out with all of my children (who are in the country) and my grandchildren. So I can act the matriarch. I considered having a huge party and when I wrote up the guest list, I just thought - I don't want to do this. So I am not going to.

I have no idea what we are doing for Christmas, but I will try to keep my expectations low and my openness to new ideas high. I do know that I will get to experience the journey of Advent again, and that never ever disappoints.

I cannot make a huge dinner and wish my brothers and sister were closer so that we could share the meal. I cannot fondly remember the gatherings of the past and long for the people who are now deceased. I cannot wish for things that aren't.

I can joyfully experience what is - and not pretend it is something else. And this year I have a new boyfriend and I am interested to see what that will bring.

Many alcoholics get tangled up in all of this stuff. It is so foreign to be experiencing these events sober. We may be hit with all sorts of memories, expectations, heartbreaks, and overwhelming feelings. There are many helpful suggestions based on 70 some years of AA experience. I am not going to go into all of them here... maybe closer to Thanksgiving I will.

But for today, I will just tell you what I am doing. I am going to focus on what is rather than what isn't. I am going to make the best plans to avoid emotional landmines. I plan to enjoy myself and will turn my thoughts to others if I am getting nutty. I am going to trust God that I am exactly where I am supposed to be today and thank him for all that has been given to me and all that has been taken away.

For now, I better plan to get ready for work and give it my best shot today.

Morning has broken

2011-11-17T05:52:00.001-07:00

This posting at night thing is not going to work for now. I know I should be doing other things with my morning time, but I enjoy this so I am going to do it. I get up early in the morning and do many things all day long. Surely I can take a moment (or hour) to blog.

I am a morning person. I have been all my life. There was a brief period when I was married to my sober husband that I adopted his night owl hours. I discovered some of the attractions of those hours. After about 8 or 9 p.m., there was a certain freedom. I knew the phone was not going to ring, and no one was going to knock on the door. The mail was not going to come. No Fed Ex or UPS deliveries. I was asleep during the hours when responsible people should be able to respond. There was a certain freedom in that. Of course, at that time everything else was feeling oppressive and I feared most intrusions of the outside world... with good reason.

When I was trying to crawl out of the sickness of that relationship, I started getting up in the morning and going to bed at night. I always loved the morning, but I think I learned to relish it after living in the darkness for a while. Even after 20 years, I haven't forgotten how much I love being up with the sunshine and available and able to respond to life.

My disposition is different in the morning. I think it is a better time for me to write.

This morning I spent some time looking for an olympic distance triathlon (1 mile swim, 25 mile bike ride, 10K run) to register for next summer. That is my goal for the year I am 60 years old. I am excited about this. Should I go away somewhere exotic for this? Should I stay in Colorado? So many questions. So much excitement. So much gratitude for being healthy enough for this!

You know what else I am grateful for? The six month break I took from this blog. I was sick to death of it before I stopped. I was losing sleep over it! Every negative comment (I get lots of them, usually one a day) was eating at me. When I came back, I wasn't sure I was going to continue. I thought I would try it for 30 days. Well, I have loved it for the last six months. I enjoy reading your blogs. I enjoy the fellowship we share. I love writing and missed it when I was away. And the negative comments? I delete them and work to not think about them once they are gone.

OK, gotta hit the treadmill. And get to work.

God has such better plans for me than I have for myself. Left to my own devices, I would be a 2 pack a day smoker and hopeless alcoholic. And for a 60 year old woman, that is NOT ATTRACTIVE!

Night Post

2011-11-16T19:07:00.001-07:00

Well, I said I would post tonight. Here I am.

I am yawning and longing to go to bed. I have not one idea in my pretty little head.

Maybe this won't work after all.

So, here is what I know.

I will go to bed sober again tonight. I recently got a big book app on my phone. It comes with a sobriety counter - which I usually avoid. I was interested to see that I am nearing a landmark number of days.

But for now, I will hit my pillow sober, for the 9,976th day in a row.

I thank God for that.

New Stuff

2011-11-16T05:47:00.001-07:00

I made a date nut bread to take to work yesterday. It was good.

At lunch, I started going to the drive-through, but changed my mind and ate inside

When I got home, my new phone was on my front porch!

Yesterday I returned a pair of shoes that I decided were just too high for me. Four inch heels are something of my past and not my future. I do not know what possessed me to buy them in the first place. I consider this huge progress for me. I will usually hang on to something like that for a "special occasion," some circumstance where I feel it will be appropriate to be unable to walk.

The store was in an area where I used to work. I decided to go to one of my old favorite restaurants. I remember 25 years ago when "Japanese fast food" was a novelty - I loved this restaurant. I used to go every Thursday for lunch. I started to go to the drive-through for take-out, but decided I would really enjoy sitting at the counter and eating in peace (as opposed to eating in my office as I do most days). I don't believe I have eaten there alone for at least 20 years, so it was good to sit and remember so many good times in that place. It was where I taught my children to use chop sticks, etc.

When I got home from work, my new iPhone was on my porch. I spent the evening setting it up. It is very cool. I don't know why I am so infatuated with these electronic gadgets, but I am.

A few months ago, I subscribed to Audible.com. Every month, I get a new book to listen to. I am currently listening to "Freedom" by Jonathan Franzen. I am enjoying it. I have been contemplating how screwed up these people are. Not alcoholic, not addicted, just people who have made bad decisions and are living with the lifelong consequences of these. (that's probably not really what the book is about, but it is what I am hearing.)

I have lately become convinced that my life has not gone where I wanted it to because my financial situation is not what I thought it would be at the age of 60. I have horrendous student loan debt - yes, at 60. I have credit card debt. I have taken cuts in pay 3 years running, and have just heard I will have another in July. It is difficult not to dip into "fear of economic insecurity." (please don't remind me of the "promises," I have been sober for over 27 years, I am familiar.)

Some perspective will tell me: I have been sober for nearly half of my life. I have made good decisions and bad decisions in that time. I get to reap the rewards of both. I went to college and got a masters degree when I was in my 40s. I went to a really good school that was very very expensive.... thinking I would make very very good money once I graduated. I still persisted in believing that very very good money was right around the corner until a few years ago - and made decisions based on that projection.

But I have been sober. I have a sober history. I have memories of chop sticks and children in Japanese restaurants. I have good relationships with all three of my children and all three of my grandchildren. I have good relationships with my siblings. I even have good relationships with my nieces and nephews. I am a member of my community. I am a person with a long history at my workplace and many relationships there - mostly good. I am a member of a church, and I actually have relationships with people there.

I have some financial wreckage (and I do need to change my ways and take care of this), but I don't have the kind of wreckage that would really wreck me.

I will never forget the new woman at a meeting several years ago. Her son had just come home from Iraq. She "celebrated" with a lot of booze. So much so that when she woke up the next morning, neither her son or her husband were speaking to her. To me, that was the saddest story I ever heard in a meeting, and I have heard a lot of them. It gave me perspective on what a great gift sobriety is.

After this many years, sobriety can get to feel pretty "normal," and I think that is a huge danger. It is never normal for an alcoholic to not drink. I am grateful that I am dealing with some problems, but they are sober kinds of problems. I am not dealing with trying to find out what I did in a blackout last night. Phew. The thought of that still makes my stomach flip.

I have to start blogging at night because this is taking too much time in the morning. I didn't workout on Monday or Tuesday because blogging took too long. Today I will blog, workout, and get to work on time - I swear to you, I will!

By the grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am sober today. And that, my friends, is a miracle.

When our loved one gets sober...

2011-11-15T06:35:00.001-07:00

The latest photo my sober daughter posted on facebook

We seldom get what we thought we would. We spend years dreaming of the magical moment when our beloved will stop behaving like a hurtful jackass and be the person we dream they truly are... underneath all of that.

I am not much of an al-anon member. I went during my awful marriage and I have always said that I believe al-anon saved my life. I went again when my daughter was a teenage meth addict runaway. I believe al-anon saved my life again. I bought the literature and read it. And I still have it and read it from time to time.

But I am an alcoholic. I think it is a dangerous thing for an alcoholic to decide that the alcoholism is in the past tense and whatever current problem is the problem now. If I had plenty of time, I would go to both programs, but I don't. So I go to AA and live by spiritual principles and I believe that helps me to live well in spite of whatever may be going on.

We have both lived through the agony of her periods of sobriety followed by relapse. She had two years of sobriety between her 16th and 18th years. She went to many rehabs where she seemed to have gotten something, but went right back to her old ways the moment the structure was gone. One day she had enough and by herself scraped together the bus fare to get to an AA meeting. She has been sober since then.

I thought if my daughter got sober she would be someone different. I think if I carefully examine who I thought she would be, it was a mini-me that I envisioned. She is not a mini-me. And really that is a good thing. She has gone off in directions I could never have anticipated. Like her sudden penchant for Harley Davidsons and the men who ride them. Her continuing to get tattoos, she is nearly covered with them now. Her piercing her face and having a little tear drop looking thing on her cheek. Her marriage to a man she only knew for 6 weeks. The insane x-rated things she posts on facebook. Et cetera.

I have been a bad mom a hundred times and asked her "Are you sober?" "Really?" I never saw a sober person act like you. You need to....... bla bla bla. And bless her heart, she has listened to me. Sometimes she has even taken my unsolicited advice. She does respect my sobriety and I am grateful for that because she has seen the most unflattering views of me over the years.

And then, she started college and has a 4.0 GPA. She is a real sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. She is the member of a couple of other fellowships that she qualifies for as well. She practices the principles in all of her affairs, trusts God and cleans house. She is now sober 34 months.

But it just doesn't look like I thought it would.

God is always teaching me something new. I certainly have learned a lot from this. And I think my lessons are not over. I pray he will give me the grace to appreciate the blessings in our lives, no matter what they look like.

Tulips again

2011-11-14T07:18:00.001-07:00

I planted more tulips yesterday. The beautiful pink tulips in front of my house have stopped blooming and I needed to replace them since they brought me inordinate amounts of joy. I asked my neighbor to join me on my trip to the garden store. I decided to get white tulips this time instead of pink. I don't think I could ever replicate the beauty of those pink tulips. And I LOVE white tulips. So, I hope the next time I talk about this, there will be a photo of a bunch of white tulips coming out of the ground. In the spring.

I always remember the feelings of my late drinking and early sobriety, years when I was pretty unstable. I moved a lot. Sometimes more than once a year. In my first year of sobriety, I moved four times. In the marriage to my "sober" husband, we moved sometimes more than once a month... and I never knew when we were next moving. By that time most of my belongings were in storage. In those years, I would have tearful nights, just longing to live somewhere long enough to not be disoriented when I woke up in the middle of the night. And I would think of tulips and long to have the stability to plant bulbs in the ground in the fall and be there in the spring to see the flowers emerge.

I have now had that stability long enough to no longer value it quite so much. I am in this house for my eleventh year now. I spent some time over the weekend cleaning closets and doing other big tasks that I am very capable of putting off for years at a time. It helped me to value my home again. This requires discipline - something I am still deficit in, though it pains me to admit it.

I am still grateful to have the ability to put a bulb in the ground in the autumn in the hope that I will see its fruition in the spring.

Sometimes we just have to get through the dirt and the rocks and the cold and dark times in order to get to the light and the greenness, warmth, and the flowers of the spring.

I thank God I have been allowed the time. Today's another 24 hours, I think I will stay sober for those hours, and I hope you do too.

Sunday

2011-11-13T10:06:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning at 3:30 - even though I went to bed late last night and wanted to sleep late. I decided to just go with it and I went to the pool for a half a mile of laps. I was the only one in the pool at 5 a.m., but by 5:30, all lanes were full. I realized the man in the lane next to me was someone I know from work! How horrifying to be virtually naked in front of someone I know from work!

I got to a meeting and the sponsee I have been writing about a lot lately came and sat next to me. We talked for an hour after the meeting. It is hard to talk with someone who frequently calls people names, using terrible language. I have "suggested" that this is not helpful to her or anyone else, but apparently that is not something that she has "internalized" yet.

Last week at church the priest said "the only thing we take from this world is our good deeds." That has stuck with me. I hope I have a whole trainful of them by the time I go. But that is not in my nature. It is work, greatly aided by the grace of God.

I came home from the meeting and made the above breakfast - and ate it! I am going to now go lay on the couch and watch pre-football game shows, followed by football games. Oh, how I love this routine in the autumn.

Last night we saw the movie "Tower Heist," which I would highly recommend if you are looking for a silly funny movie. If you are looking for an award winning "film," I would skip it. I really enjoyed it and so did my b.f. We laughed - and he laughed at me as I hid my eyes behind his shoulder during the "scary" parts.

It's good to be sober. And alive. And not in too much pain. Thank you God.

Loving Saturday

2011-11-12T11:59:00.001-07:00

Here's photos of my new jacket and my new gloves / mittens. The jacket has a little LED light on the sleeve, and the right mitten has a little light. They charge in a USB port. I love goofy technology. Oh, and it looks like these photos don't show how crazily bright this color is. It is amazing. I love bright colors. I nearly lost my mind when "neons" came into style in the 80s, and always regretted their passing. In the world of running, they never go out of style.

This morning I met my running group (my coach would only let me do 3 miles) and then had a bagel with them and then went shopping with a couple of the ladies. What fun. Honestly, it was just so much fun.

I didn't used to like socializing with "normies" so much. But I do now. We just have fun.

Kind of a shame that I am nearly 60 years old and just beginning to learn how to do things that others are born knowing how to do. But better late than never.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be a slow learner. God seems to have endless patience with me. (I spelled that "patients" at first, because that is the word I am more used to. funny.)

I think I will stay sober today and I hope you do too.

Eleven Eleven Eleven

2011-11-11T11:57:00.001-07:00

This is a photo of this morning's sunrise. I stopped the car and got out and photographed it on my way to the meeting this morning.

I thought of titling this post "Under a blood red sky." I began to go through my veteran friends on facebook, I was going to wish them "Happy Veteran's Day." The first one alphabetically was my daughter-in-law. I started typing "happy" and then stopped when I saw that she changed her profile photo to the boots, helmets, guns photo - the photo for fallen soldiers. She and my son lost friends over the skies of Afghanistan earlier this year. Somehow it doesn't seem right to wish them a "happy" day to commemorate their lost friends. So, I will skip it. They know I respect their occupation every single day of the year. I will tell them again - but not today.

I went to a great speaker meeting this morning. A real alcoholic, one who was on death's door just a year ago. Now he is fully alive, and 100% sober. It was a beautiful thing to see.

And now someone needs to take my credit cards away from me. I have been out and purchased a pair of black velveteen pants, a new running jacket - with matching gloves - with little LED lights on the jacket and the gloves, a new iPhone has been purchased and will ship in a couple of days - from Verizon!, a new iPhone case, and screen protectors. I wouldn't care to add up what all of that cost, and I need to knock it off. Now.

I want to thank you all for your concern and prayers. I am still in pain and have no idea what is going on. I think I will chill this weekend, but go back to the doc if the pain is not gone by Monday. I have never had a pain like this and believe me, I have had just about every kind of injury known to mankind - think abusive husband, car accidents, triathlons, half-marathons, and marathons. This is a new one on me.

I'm sure grateful for the grace and mercy of God. Without which I would not be sitting here today, sober, complaining about how much money I am spending! Sheesh!

For all veterans, know that I appreciate your and your family's service. But I can't say "happy" veteran's day today.

Evening at the ER

2011-11-10T08:55:00.001-07:00

I went to see my doc yesterday and he was very concerned about this pain I have had. He ordered a bunch of labs and I went over and filled vials with blood and a little cup with pee. All tests came back WNL except for one. A test I am not going to name here because I know google only too well came back wackadoo.

Doc called me and told me to get myself to the ER for a CT scan to see if I had a pulmonary embolism. I was pretty calm, I guess so much that my doc (who is a very sweet man) felt the need to let me know this is something that can cause sudden death. Well, I knew that.

I did have a CT scan with contrast ( I do not like that contrast stuff!) and waited for the results.

The good news is: I have a perfectly normal chest - heart and lungs, and no broken ribs. The bad news is: I still am in pain.

I was prescribed pain meds and I took them when I got home.

Here's the other thing: People from work offered to drive me to the hospital, and I refused. I would have called one of my daughters, but she is out of town doing an investigation. The other daughter, the one who is my dear sober daughter - I thought I would like to call her, but knew she would go off the deep end and I couldn't deal with that right then. I thought of calling my boyfriend, but felt sheepish about calling him for such a "significant other" event. I called one of my dear friends who is a nurse but she did not answer, and I did not leave a message. I called my sponsor who lives 300 miles away. She offered to get in her car and drive 6 hours to be with me. I cried. I cried and cried and cried. She suggested some people from the AA group and I said "no, no, no." I felt so alone.

When I got home, my b.f. called and I told him what happened. He sounded so hurt when he asked me "why didn't you call me?" And then in the saddest voice I have ever heard, he said "I really wish you had called." I told him I would in the future. And that I was glad he wanted me to call, but I felt weird about it. He made me promise not to go to work today. And imagine this... I am not at work today. I do have to go in this afternoon for a meeting I am chairing.

My sober daughter called and when I told her what happened, she wailed. WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME? I told her "because you would have freaked out, just like you are doing right now." And then, because she is sober and truly has a program... she told me a long story. Her husband just withheld some information from her for the same reason. She thought that was utter B.S., but prayed that God would give her some insight. When I told her essentially the same thing her husband had said, she said "Wow, it really is me. I need to work on this." And I thought... why don't I sponsor anyone like this?

Anyway, I can see something I need to work on. And I hate that.

But the truth is the truth. And it shall set me free?

I thank God I have another day to be sober, to love the people in my life, and to ask God to help me to be more open to being vulnerable. (yuk)

And don't any of you yell at me, OK?

Thanks.

Livin' on a Wednesday

2011-11-09T07:22:00.001-07:00

This is the scarf I am knitting for my daughter-in-law. Those colors don't look true, at least on my computer. The color ranges from bright orange pink, to deep deep purple. And some brownish rustish colors in between. It has taken me well over a month to knit that much. Her birthday was on Nov. 4, and I had to show her this incomplete project and tell her it would be done in a couple more weeks. Sheesh. I gave the baby an incomplete quilt for her birthday and I still don't have that done either! I have a dear friend whose mother always wrapped unfinished knitted items for her birthdays and Christmas, and she has fond memories of this. This gives me hope that I am not causing bad memories and trauma.

On Sunday I woke up from a nap with a strange pain that felt like a junior broken rib. Not as sharp of a pain as a broken rib, but the same kind of pain in the same kind of place. It has gotten worse each day this week. I think I may have to go to the doc today - although even if it is a broken rib, they don't do anything for it. Who gets a spontaneous broken rib (other than someone with advanced osteoporosis)? Yesterday I was supposed to do 3 miles, I made it two very painful miles. Oh dear, this cannot happen!

OK, I swear this is the last time I am going to talk about this most challenging sponsee. But we talked yesterday and it put almost everything into perspective. She thanked me for telling her to trust God and pray on Saturday. She said she had a better day after that. And she has been thinking about it. Then she told me something that blew me away. She said, "Thanks for being so patient with me. My first sponsor was an atheist, so I have never heard this stuff before."

I thought about the fact that the big book is pretty clear about trusting an infinite God rather than our finite selves, etc. But if no one guides you in this direction maybe you wouldn't go there?

One of the meetings I have gone to since I got sober has in their meeting format - read at the beginning of every meeting:
"if you hear anything here that cannot be reconciled with the first 164 pages of the big book, we suggest you disregard it."

I think that is pretty good advice, so for today, I will just say:

"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to you fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

Hope

2011-11-08T06:49:00.001-07:00

This is sad, but I am using so many photos from last year. It must have been a year ago today that I took this photo. I was outside, walking. Recovering still from my first marathon. I saw this from across the street and loved the dead foliage, the yellow tomatoes, and the blue pot.

When I was in high school, I was required to memorize this line... I have no idea why. But it has stuck with me all these years.

Two men look out through the same bars, one sees the mud and one the stars. - Frederick Langbridge

When I got sober, I had to learn to look at the stars instead of the mud. I am a great mud-looker. In fact, I made an early career out of it. I was great at insurance - I could figure out what could go wrong with everything. I still can drive down the road and visualize every single mishap that could happen. It makes for a long drive.

I am looking at another fork in my career right now. It looks like there may be an opportunity in my future. Maybe not too. I am very hopeful that this opportunity will come to fruition and I can jump into another chapter in my life. I am also thinking that it may not and I can see plenty of reasons to stay right where I am. I am trying to focus on the positive in both alternatives.

My life has not gone along smoothly like many people I have worked with who have retired at 50 or 55. I am almost 60 and looking at another ten years of work before I can retire. But the truth is, I do not want to retire. In those early years while everyone else was working and saving money, I was not working and I was not saving money.

I am grateful I am in good health and fairly vigorous. I am grateful my mind is good. I am grateful I like to work and don't consider this a death sentence.

I am grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous and this way of life. I am grateful that I found early-on that I could make what I want to of most every situation. I am grateful I learned about living in the will of God, not mine.

I think I will stay sober today and I hope you all do too.

Long Term Sobriety - and Pie.

2011-11-07T06:45:00.001-07:00

I got up at three this morning so I could bake a pie to bring to work. I donated it for a fundraiser and today is the day I need to produce! Couldn't have happened on a better day. I love, love, love standard time. I love that I am used to getting up at 4 or 5 and that now translates to 3 or 4 - for a week or so. So, I have time to bake a pie and get ready for work. I need to be super-ready today. I have a meeting that is so very important. I am meeting someone I hope will be someone in my future.

I don't seem to be able to drop my controversial streak here. I had hoped to. But I got a comment yesterday that I have thought about over and over. It was anonymous and the person stated they are a non-alcoholic observer. But here is the line that got me: people who would need the program are not in their right mind due to the disease. A typical symptom of the disease is obsessing and paranoia and this does not go away miraculously when you have a sponsor.

There seems to be a misconception growing among our observers. That everyone in AA is a sick alcoholic. Not so, my friends, not so. I do not consider myself "not in my right mind." My mind is righter than it has ever been. I need AA as much as ever. But not because I am obsessive and paranoid and needing a drink.

There is a program of recovery in AA. There are twelve steps that really work to not only get rid of our desire to drink, but to restore us to our right minds. We then help other alcoholics and become productive members of society.

We are not all hanging around AA clubs jonesing for a drink.

Some of us have been sober for a long time, leading productive lives. And that is because the program works. Some of us have been sober a short time and have had spiritual awakenings, are helping others and getting our lives back together. Some of us haven't destroyed our lives at all and if you didn't see them sitting in an AA meeting, you would likely have no idea they have any problem at all.

AA really works. It really restores people to life. In many cases, it doesn't really "restore" because the person never really had a productive life before they got sober. But they get one as they live in a new way. Not just not drinking, but living a totally different way.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous works. Every single day alcoholics manage to find their way into the program and find a new life awaiting. It does require some effort. The effort is miniscule when compared with the rewards.

So, I will get on my sober way and have a sober day today. Gratefully. Thank God.

Another First!

2011-11-06T12:08:00.002-07:00

The "J" fell off my Joy, and I am simply left with "OY!"

The first is that I have deleted a post. I don't believe I have ever done that before.

I posted something about a sponsee last night. I was and am a little bit frustrated with her. Even though you don't know who she is, I really don't have a right to discuss her here.

I woke up feeling that way this morning. But then I had a couple of comments and thought maybe it wasn't so bad to discuss the way we sponsor people.

However, some of you have decided she isn't "willing to go to any length," and some of you are worried she will get drunk because of the way she is being judged. And the last comment just suggested she go to therapy.

None of this is fair to her. She is a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's really all that matters.

I was one of those who did not get sober and then get perfect over night. I wonder if anyone decided I was too big a pain in the ass to stay sober. If they did, they were wrong. It just didn't look too good on me. Sobriety took a long time to sort of fit me right.

I apologize to the universe for saying anything less than kind about her.

We are all children of God and I believe he wants all of us alcoholics to get sober. We all deserve every chance we can get. And what a sin it would be to get in the way of someone's spiritual progress.

God help me to help where I can and get out of the way where I should.

And especially help me with my big mouth (which translates to happy fingers with the keyboard).

New Response

2011-11-04T19:31:00.000-06:00

Today I did something I have never done before.

I spoke at a meeting. My story in 20 minutes... well, I made it 25. And then I apologized for running over.

After the meeting a young woman came over and talked to me. She just got out of a month long treatment program. (My daughter is a graduate of the same program, she enjoyed being at a mountain resort for a month, but she certainly did not stay sober.) Anyway, she asked me if I could sponsor her. And I said "no." I have never done that before.

My sponsor has been telling me to do that for years. First, I am sponsoring enough people to drive me to distraction at times. Second, she says I have no business sponsoring a new person in AA anymore.

I usually go ahead and say "yes" anyway. But today I didn't.

There was another woman standing with us who immediately said, "I am looking for a new sponsee." I thought "how wonderful!" She wants to sponsor someone right now. I don't. She will do a good job. I would probably do a grudging job. And that would not be good for anyone.

Today I talked about the principle of rotation. It is a wonderful principle that I firmly believe in.

And then I think I got to see some of that in action. When I let go of filling the spaces, someone else, much more appropriate, gets to have that opportunity.

There is no waste in God's economy.

Friday Morning Meeting

2011-11-04T05:13:00.002-06:00

Lately I am using photos from last year at this time. My computer allows me to view my photos individually, by event, or by the last 12 months. I love to look at "the last 12 months" and see what I was doing a year ago this time. Last year in the beginning of November I was still getting out in the morning (instead of hitting the treadmill as I am doing this year) and taking gorgeous photos of the sunrise. There are not many photo opportunities in my basement on the treadmill. But this year, the ground is covered with a lot of snow.

This morning I am telling my story at the 6:30 meeting. I always get nervous about this. My sponsor told me a long time ago that when I stop being nervous about speaking at an AA meeting, I should stop doing it. I have prayed that God put the words in my mouth. And then I remind myself that this is not about me.

I have another weekend coming up that is so full it is scary. I looked at my calendar yesterday to see if I could take Monday off. I can't. But Veteran's Day is on Friday and I get that off. I need a long weekend!

And I think I need a new dress and shoes too. Maybe I can do that on my lunch today?

No matter what, I think I will stay sober today and I hope you will too.

Nonsequitors

2011-11-03T07:10:00.003-06:00

This morning I left a bunch of inappropriate comments on blogs. I would look at them and think "this has nothing to do with the post - why am I writing this?" And then I would post it anyway. If you got one of them, I apologize. But one thing I love about having a track record is that you guys know this is an exception and not a rule (I hope) and you will forgive me.

These clocks need to be turned back! Who was the genius who decided we should have DST for eight months of the year? Probably someone who didn't need to function early in the morning while it is still dark.

I just wrote three paragraphs about work and erased them. I have a feeling that someone from work is reading my blog. I don't even know who, but I just have a feeling. I have been successful over the years at leaving work pretty much out of my blog, I guess I better continue to do so. But I think I am going to have some good news on this front within the next month. I start to get anxious about this, but I have to remind myself that I am living in God's will and that is precisely what will happen - His will, not mine.

When I was drinking and then in early sobriety, I craved the stability I saw others had. I wanted to work at the same place for a whole career. I wanted to live in the same house all my life. Etc. But I have now had this kind of "stability" for seventeen years in my career, and ten years in my house. I am realizing this is simply not my style or nature. I am itching to change things. I cannot sell my house because of the housing market - well, I COULD sell it and not lose money, but it wouldn't be a particularly SMART thing to do. And I have felt stuck in my job for several years now. I am ready to change that. A month or so ago, I would have told you how hopeless this was.

And now, it looks like God has moved in my life - the way he always has. In his time, not mine.

I am grateful, grateful, grateful. And I think I will stay sober today - I hope you do too.

All Souls Day

2011-11-02T05:35:00.002-06:00

All the local schools have canceled today's classes. I haven't heard whether I need to go to work or not. I was greatly insulted years ago (10) when I got a promotion and became "non-essential." Now I am thinking that is not such a bad thing. When it snows enough, I can be excused from coming to work. In my prior job, I had to get there. If I couldn't, they would come and get me.

But I must get to the 6:30 meeting where a beloved sponsee is celebrating 6 years of continuous sobriety. I think that is where I truly am "essential." And gratefully so.

What a wonderful thing it is to sponsor a woman who is a real alcoholic of the variety I understand. The hopeless variety. The kind that understands that she was beyond human aid. That she has been saved by the grace of a loving God.

I gotta go bundle up, get my shoveling arm ready, and get out of here.

Let's all stay sober today cuz in this organization, we are all essential.

Día de los Muertos

2011-11-01T07:20:00.002-06:00

And for me, it is All Saints Day. I need to be sitting, well, actually kneeling, in church in 45 minutes. I am sitting in my pajamas, with dirty hair, right now. I need to make this very very short.

Yesterday I had a sponsee call me six times and e-mail me once while I was trying to be with my children and grandchildren for halloween. I have a daughter in recovery who can be very very intense and needy, and is having a hard time right now.

By the time everyone left, my face was twitching, and I was ready to move to another state to get away from everyone.

I don't think that is a reflection of me needing to indulge that urge. That is an indication of me not having a proper attitude. Really. It is. I get that way when I am too tired. It doesn't help when I eat a bucket load of candy.

But you know what? Today is a new day. It is even in a new month. I get to start my day with mass this morning. (the second half of the sponsee's calls were frantic to tell me she was called into work early and could not make the meeting in the morning to celebrate her 6th birthday.) So, I slept in and I feel swell.

Thank God I don't have to earn God's Grace. Cuz I am feeling full of it this morning.

Too Much

2011-10-31T20:43:00.001-06:00

Sometimes it is all just a bit too much.

Today I told my boss I would be a bit late tomorrow morning. I need to go to a sponsee's birthday meeting at 6:30 a.m. And then I need to go to church at 8:00 a.m. I told her I wouldn't be very late, but I would be late.

She said I work more than my fair share of hours and I have a lot on my plate. And then she said "And most of the things you do are for other people." Well, I am glad she has the perception that I am so unselfish. Because....

Right now I feel like if one more person calls me and cries or complains I will scream.

It would be so nice for someone to just call to say hello, or to actually see how I am.

But I am the sponsor, I am the mother, I am the grandmother. I have become invisible. I am just the ear to listen to the drama.

OK, enough out of me. I am going to bed.

Gee, I know that sugar and I don't get along really well... do you think this might be evidence?

I can still thank God for another day when I didn't drink, and I didn't want to. And regardless of how I feel, that is still a wonderful thing.

Trick or Treat

2011-10-31T06:52:00.001-06:00

The flowers were a treat yesterday. My fella brought them over. I had decided before our date that if he didn't bring me flowers we were going to have to have "a talk." I was so happy to see the flowers, because I really didn't want to have that talk.

We watched the Broncos game - and that was not a treat. Unless you were a Lions fan (and if you were, you don't need to rub it in).

And now I am back to the work-a-day routine. I need to get in a couple of miles on the treadmill and get to work. I hope to hear some good news this week. Life changing good news.

I intend to stay sober today and I hope you all do too. And that is indeed a treat!

Hoy es Domingo

2011-10-30T08:40:00.003-06:00

This little flower managed to live through being covered with snow for several days. A tenacious little thing, no?

Yesterday I found myself in something that could have been a sticky situation. We met at coach's house and headed out from there for a few extremely uphill miles and back. Then we had brunch. I hadn't realized the brunch would be accompanied by mimosas. That doesn't really bother me, but I always make sure I am alert when in such situations.

She kept asking me if I wanted one - even though I have been telling her consistently for two years that I don't drink - at all. I told her again "I am a teetotaler." She asked if I would like some orange juice. I thought that sounded swell, so I said yes. I hadn't thought through the fact that she would serve me orange juice in the same kind of glass everyone else was drinking mimosas in. I found myself holding something that looked exactly like the alcoholic drink everyone else was having.

Then I remembered my father's advice when I was newly sober. He said when going into a social situation where others would be drinking, get a drink that doesn't look like others and hold it in your hand. That way you won't pick up another drink by accident, and people won't keep asking you if you want a drink. (A cup of coffee, a can of pepsi, etc.)

I needed to set the drink down while I got my breakfast. I looked around and there were glasses all over the place. I know it probably sounds silly, but this is really dangerous stuff for us.

I took my glass into the family room, far away from everyone else, and set it on a table while I went and got my breakfast. That way I knew where it was and was sure it was mine. I was fine, I ate a yummy meal, including a piece of strawberry rhubarb pie I had baked, I socialized for a little while and then I left. There is no point in me hanging around people who are drinking.

In my early decades of sobriety, I only hung out with sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was more fun and a hell of a lot more comfortable for me. Later on, I started enjoying other activities with people who do drink. I just have to remain vigilant. I am an alcoholic. I don't care how long I have been sober, I am still an alcoholic. Alcohol is still cunning, baffling, and powerful. I pray I never become cavalier about my sobriety.

I remember a man I loved a long time ago. He had been sober for over 30 years. And then he wasn't. He didn't ever raise his hand, he just got really nutty and everyone knew. He was the first person I ever heard say "I am sitting in this AA meeting, but my alcoholism is out in the parking lot doing push-ups." It was extremely moving when seeing this man saying it.

He could not get sober again. One day he decided he must die. He got a gun out in front of his wife. She struggled with him. She called the police. While she was on the phone, the gun went off and her husband died. So, in the first days after she lost her husband in this horrible way, she was in jail. Accused of killing him.

We do the most horrible things when we are in the snares of this disease.

I don't mind looking a little bit "nutty" moving my orange juice into the family room. I don't mind the vigilance. I don't mind the "work." I am delighted to be sober and I don't want to drink again.

I am absolutely dependent upon the Grace of God. And I am fine with that!

One in the Oven

2011-10-29T06:50:00.002-06:00

I am meeting my running group this morning at the home of our coach. It is the break between the summer/fall session and the winter session. But most of the group is training for races, so they thought they would get together and put in some mileage anyway. I am going, but only for four miles... so I don't need to be there until 9 a.m. We are having breakfast after we are done - and I have been requested to make a pie. Hence, there is a strawberry rhubarb pie in the oven as we speak (or I write).

Yesterday I heard something in a meeting that just hit me as being weird. Someone said she is jealous of people who can drink normally. She has been sober nearly two decades, and she said this. I asked the woman next to me - do you wish you could have one glass of wine? Without a nano-second of hesitation, she said "oh, hell no! I want 2 cases of wine or why would I bother!" I talked with a sponsee after the meeting and she said the same thing.

I don't even understand the concept of one glass of wine. It has no appeal to me whatever. If I were going to drink - and I pray to God I never do again as long as I live, one day at a time - I would want to get drunk.

I am delighted to be a sober woman. I can't think of anything I want more. I think it is the best gift I have ever been blessed with.

Thanks to the grace of God, I am sober today. I am grateful for that and happy about it.

So, I will go out and give it my best shot today and I hope you all do too.

Sparkling

2011-10-28T04:57:00.003-06:00

I bought this gilded maple leaf in Maine. It was something I just "had to" have when I was in the store. And I am not usually a sucker for gift shops. When I got it home, I wondered what could have possessed me to pay $40. for a leaf. I mean, it's pretty, but it is sitting on the desk here with me. I have no place to put it. I would like to give it to someone, but they probably wouldn't have anything to do with it either.

Yesterday I got some fabulously good news at work. It is not a done deal, so I don't want to write about it. But suffice it to say that my work life may be changing soon. And to have someone want me felt so good, I was flying around on the clouds all day. God's will, not mine... God's will, not mine....

I am now going to a meeting where I will hear a young woman speak. She has been sober for 5 years I think. She has been written about here several times in several ways. She had helped me as a personal trainer, and then she was the recipient of meals I cooked once a month as she recovered from cancer. She is an awesome woman who I have come to really love.

It's going to be a great Friday. I think I will stay sober today and I hope you all do too.