Statistics, Depression, and other obstacles

Thanks for all of your well-wishes and support yesterday for my Governing Body report. It did go well, but I did get asked the "deer in the headlights" question. After the meeting, I phoned my statistics instructor (see? it IS a good thing I am auditing the biostatistics class) and got her to help me answer the question. Later in the day I was able to e-mail this person who had asked the question and explain to her that I had run an "Independent Sample t Test" and found that the difference between our facility's number and the national mean was indeed statistically significant - and the p value of .004 would indicate that there was very little chance that the difference was due to random error! Isn't that freaking exciting?!?!?!

I am not working out this morning because I was up WAY too late with Mr. Sweetie Man last night.

Which leads me to another topic. I have had a few comments recently about the ridiculously early time that I wake up in the morning. I do not set the alarm, I just wake up when I wake up - with absolutely no danger whatsoever that I may be late for work. Sleeping until 6:00 a.m. (which I did this morning) is sleeping very very late for me. Early-morning waking is a feature of depression! I have had a life long battle with depression, which surprises a lot of people since I mostly seem really cheerful and upbeat. It is not the same thing as a bad mood or a down day. It is an illness. I am so grateful to say that it is currently under control and has been for the last several years. But it takes a lot of diligence for me to maintain a non-depressed life.

This is why I laughingly call myself "high maintenance". It is not bling and expensive cars that I need though. What I need is a good amount of sleep, regular meals of good food - no white stuff (sugar, pasta, white bread, etc.), daily alone time, daily social time, daily exercise (the more extreme the better!), daily writing, and constant attention to not drifting into illness.

Notice that I didn't throw meetings, daily prayer and meditation, and working with other alcoholics into that mix - even though I need them even more than any of that other stuff, because meetings, prayer, and other alcoholics are my lifeblood - they are what I need to stay alive. The other stuff I need in order to "feel" good. By the Grace of God, I don't need medications today. But if I did all that stuff, as well as the steps of AA, and still needed them, I would take them.

I just felt the need to clarify. I think I might sound a bit more virtuous than I really am when I talk about getting up at 4:00 a.m., and going out for a bike ride followed by a run, or a swim in a mountain lake, followed by a bike ride, etc. These are things I really enjoy and thank God they are the treatment for an illness I have.

"I used to be ashamed of my condition and so didn't talk about it. But nowadays I freely confess I am a depressive, and this has attracted other depressives to me. Working with them has helped a great deal." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 231

Waiting for daylight

So I can get my bike out and take a quick bike ride, followed by a quick 2 mile run... then get ready and out of here for work. Yesterday I managed to run 3 miles in 31:46. For me, believe me, that is absolutely incredible.

This morning I am scheduled to give my annual report to the Hospital Governing Body. I get nervous about this. I used to get terrified, now I am only nervous. Someone always asks a question I can't answer and I feel like the proverbial deer in the headlights. People who have seen this happen to me tell me I don't appear flustered. In this circumstance I think it is important that I appear calm and self-assured, and very very knowledgable - even if I don't feel that way. By the Grace of God, most of the time I at least look like I am.

"To get completely away from our aversion to the idea of being humble, to gain a vision of humility as the avenue to true freedom of the human spirit, to be willing to work for humility as something to be desired for itself, takes most of us a long, long time. A whole lifetime geared to self-centeredness cannot be set in reverse all at once." -- As Bill Sees It

Hot Morning in Mid-July

21 years and 51 weeks of sobriety. Last night I spent a couple of hours looking at my old journals. I am searching for the journal of the year I got sober. I can find every one but that one. I am sure I pulled it aside at one point or another just to keep it safe, and so I would be able to find it! Ha! But it was very enlightening to look back at the years. I started keeping my journal electronically about 10 years ago and really haven't looked back at the old notebook ones since then.

Having written all of that, I guess I should continue to say more about it.... my impression was that no matter what was going on, and there was plenty of huge stuff, I was always grateful to be sober, and my sobriety was always the central point of my life. I think that is the only way I survived.

This morning I need to get out of here and get to the gym to run 3 miles on the treadmill. I didn't work out yesterday because I felt tired and sluggish and it was too freaking hot to even drive to the gym!

"The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get somethign we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands. The difference between a demand and a simple request is plain to anyone." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 76

Oh, and it is a bit hot here too.

My car's thermometer yesterday afternoon. Yikes.

Sunday A.M.

It was a great day yesterday. Got out of here at 6:00 (or so) drove to my daughter's on the other side of town and we got to the Reservoir before 8:00. We took a nice swim, followed by a nice bike ride. It was such a beautiful thing to see this daughter swimming. First of all, she was a champion swimmer when she was younger, so her swimming really IS a thing of beauty. Secondly, she has been so badly impacted by drugs and alcohol it was beautiful to see her doing something so healthy and wholesome. We stood in the early morning sunshine, laughing, the only people in the freezing cold lake, it was a memorable experience. I think both of my daughters really ARE going to be able to do the triathlon with me. That makes my heart swell with joy.

When I got back to my phone, I had a message from Big Sky Maack. We were able to get together for lunch. I got to meet the Mrs., and it was a wonderful thing to meet the woman who has made my friend so happy. J. and his family also were there. I haven't seen J. in probably 16 years. It was nice to just sort of pick up where we left off, which is something I think we are good at in AA. It was an enjoyable afternoon.

When I got home from lunch, I decided to take a late afternoon nap. I slept so deeply that I had a terrible nightmare. The kind where you wake up in a panic. It was awful. It was too late for me to go to church as I usually do on Saturday evening, so I mulled over my options. I was so thrilled to consider the impact of the law that just passed on July 1. There is no smoking in any public building anywhere in the state, which means there is no such thing as a "smoking" meeting in Colorado. I went to my old-old homegroup for a 7 o'clock meeting, which I haven't been able to stand for years because of the smoke. It was nice to be there.

Well, I better get dressed and ready for church this morning... but first, my favorite reading from the "Twenty-Four Hours a Day" book is today's reading... here it is:

"We can believe that God is in His heaven and that He has purpose for our lives, which will eventually work out as long as we try to live the way we believe He wants us to live. It has been said that we should 'wear the world like a loose garment.' That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep and abiding faith that God will always take care of us. To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe."

Friday Morning Meeting

I slept a little bit later than normal so I am in a super hurry to get out of here. I hope to see Motorcycle Mike and my old friend Big Sky Maack at a meeting at 6:45.
Update: I got to meet Motorcycle Mike! but Big Sky Maack was not able to attend. It was a great meeting and really great to meet Mike. Luckily, he was the greeter, I would have never recognized him. They should have a great time on their motorcycle ride this weekend.

"Yes there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. there you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowhip, and so will you." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 152

Waterton Canyon

Me and my shadow. I don't know why I like shadow pictures so much when they really distort the body and make me look like I have a pin head (even though it is helmeted) on top of a huge (lumpy) body. Body Dysmorphic Disorder anyone?
We always stop at this bridge on the way up... somehow on the way DOWN, there is no need to stop.
I love this trail... it is 6 miles uphill, then you turn around and go like a bat out of hell downhill for 6 miles.
Crappy picture of 2 mountain goats.

"I don't think happiness or unhappiness is the point. How do we meet the problems we face? How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would recieve the knowledge?... When pain comes, we are expected to learn from it willingly, and help others to learn. When happiness comes, we accept it as a gift, and thank God for it." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 306

Weds. A.M.

I'm doing OK. Really. I am very busy at work. I am, thankfully, at the point in my triathlon training where I need to be working the hardest. And I got to see my sweetheart last night for the first time in nearly 2 weeks. It was so nice to see him, sitting on the sofa like a couple of teenagers. He told me a story that had me laughing so hard and for so long. Laughter is a little miracle. It releases so much tension in the body.

Tonight I am taking a bike ride with my friend the Rec Therapist. I think I should be able to keep up with her. I may or may not take a swim on the way to the bike ride.

"It may surprise you that you will almost never hear an AA speaker sound self-pitying about being deprived of alcohol. Identifying with the speaker's past may not be as important as getting an impression of his or her present life. The speaker usually has found, or is reaching for, some contentment, peace of mind, solutions to problems, zest for living, and a kind of health of the spirit which you, too, want. If so, hang around. Those qualities are contagious in AA." -- Living Sober, p. 80

(thanks Scott W. for reminding me of this wonderful book)

Tuesday Morning

Yesterday was one of the more challenging days. It was very difficult to say goodbye to my son.

This morning I will get to the gym and run three miles on the treadmill. I will come back home and get dressed for work and get out of here and go put in a full, productive day at work. My sweetheart may be coming over tonight. One foot in front of the other...

"Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects that we know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of its inordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford.

"The remedy? Well, let's have a hard look at ourselves, and a still harder one at AA's Twelve Steps to recovery. When we see how many of our fellow AAs have used the Steps to transcend great pain and adversity, we shall be inspired to try these life-giving principles for ourselves." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 238

Sunday Afternoon

Thanks for the nice comments yesterday and today. I hope that in time I will stop this and get back to being myself. For now, I am having a hard time with my son leaving. A son going to war is not something I would wish on anyone. He is leaving tomorrow.

Tonight we are having lasagna. This is his traditional birthday menu. Ever since he was 4 years old and able to articulate what he wanted for dinner, it has always been lasagna for his birthday. I thought that in the 26 intervening years he might have changed his mind, but he hasn't. No, it isn't his birthday, but he won't be home in August when it is his birthday, so I thought I would jump the gun and celebrate a little early.

I did go to school today. I was blown away by the support I got from my instructor. She told me not to worry about the assignments I didn't get done. I am, after all, not even getting a grade in the class. But it goes so against my grain to not do something I commit to do. (because that is old behavior for me.) I told her this today and she just smiled and said "I know". Thank God she was one of my instructors in graduate school and does know me.

I got a wonderful long e-mail from my sweetie today. I thought that maybe my absence during my son's presence would be the end of the budding relationship, but apparently not. That is nice to know.

I ran 3 miles this morning before school. I don't know why I have to tell you all my work-out schedule, but I think it makes me more accountable for my training. My triathlon is in 4 weeks. That means 3 more weeks of training and the last week is to taper and rest up and get ready. I think I might actually be ready this year. I am very excited about it.

I also think it is fairly amusing that most of you probably think I am just a regular old jock. But that is so not the case. I will have to write about this journey because it is really something. A few years ago I weighed over 200 lbs., and could barely do anything because of my incredibly bad neck, and then the surgery to fix it. Yesterday I went to Ann Taylor and Talbots just to try on size 10 pants, because I knew I could fit into them... and sure 'nuff - I DID! (and yet, I didn't buy any... wow... I am really getting better!)

"So to you out there - who may soon be with us - we say "Good luck and God bless you!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 121

Coping Mechanisms

I have just had the best bike ride of 10 miles, followed by a run of 2 miles - I did the run in 20 minutes and 57 seconds. All of this in the rain. It is a glorious morning.

I went to the Morning After Group of Alcoholics Anonymous this morning. It was good to be there. My friend Otis was celebrating 16 years of sobriety. He has not been to a meeting in probably a year, so his birthday was actually in January - this is the first meeting he has hit since the first of the year. Wow. I don't know how you do that, and I don't intend to ever find out. He said he would keep coming back now. I hope, for his sake, that he does.

I am going far more mental about my son leaving than I ever thought I would. Intellectually, I knew this would be difficult, but I thought I would be able to muddle through, one day at a time - using the kit of spiritual tools I have at my disposal. And it just reinforces what I know - which is - that what I know won't help me. This is not an intellectual exercise. So I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, suiting up and showing up, and trying to turn my thoughts to others, and keep the faith that God will hold me (and all I love) in the palm of his hand. But I must say there have been times when I have been so overwrought I have felt like I was going to jump out of my skin.

I may have to drop the biostatistics class I am auditing. I had to write the instructor yesterday and tell her that there is no way on God's Green Earth I am going to spend the last two days my son is here working on statistics homework... for a class I am not even getting a grade on. And whether I will show up tomorrow for the class remains to be seen. I just don't feel that I have much mental function left in me right now. But it is terrible for my self-esteem to quit something I said I was going to do.

Anyway, this is my way of telling on myself. I have found it is absolutely essential for me to be honest. When I tell you I am feeling fine, that is the truth, and when I am not doing so well... that is what I am going to tell you. I think it is incredibly unfair for people with long-term sobriety to give newer people the impression that there will be no problems in life as you stay sober. It simply isn't true. We do get *better* at living through these things without a drink in our hands, but sometimes it just is hard. And right now, I am having a hard time. But I am doing what I am supposed to be doing...

Friday Morning

I am tired this morning. I didn't sleep well last night. My kids were out half the night and I had to calm myself and tell myself over and over that they are adults. Adults. Adults. They finally got home at 2:30 a.m. It is none of my business what they were doing.

The Broncos first pre-season game is 5 weeks from tonight! August 11!

"We had a new employer. Being all powerful, he provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

hAAnging on for dear life...

One step at a time... on the treadmill of happy destiny. I am getting ready for my August 6th triathlon. I did my 3 miles this morning in 32 minutes, 12 seconds. I am happy with that.

"Honesty with ourselves and others gets us sober, but it is tolerance that keeps us that way." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 312

Back to Work... again

One of four pizzas I made yesterday.

I am feeling rather uninspired this morning. I am glad to be going to work. I woke up too late to exercise.

"Each day, somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxi

Happy Independence Day!

This is a picture from my bike ride this morning. It was a glorious 10 mile bike ride, followed by a 1 mile run. Anyone who has ever done a triathlon knows that wobbly feeling of getting off a bike and trying to run. But I did it this morning. It was only a mile, but I am very happy with that.

I am also happy about the fact that my entire family will be here later today. All my kids and grandkids. We are having pizza and will see where we can catch some fireworks.

I want to wish all my sober friends a very Happy Independence Day. I think this day holds special meaning to us. We who have been enslaved by prisons of our own device for so many years have admitted utter defeat and have finally been freed.

"The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. Therefore, dependence as AA practices it is really a means of gaining true independence of the spirit." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 37

Back to Work

Going back to work today after a week and a half. I am glad. I have truly enjoyed my vacation, but I know I need to have some structure in my life and work provides that. Last week I had exactly one chore I wanted to get done (get the oil changed in my car) and I didn't do it until Saturday!

I managed to run 3 miles this morning which felt terrific. I may be ready for the triathlon in time after all. Yesterday I had a great bike ride. Tomorrow I will try to do both.

Last night we had another movie night. We watched "Freaky Friday" (I think my son might really really like Lindsay Lohan). Surprisingly, I really liked that movie too! It is really fun to watch youthful movies with my kids.

I was feeling so morbid yesterday morning - the mood lifted yesterday afternoon. You would think it would become habit after all these years to know just what to do, but in my case, it doesn't always just come. I finally realized that I needed to pick up the phone and call my sponsee and a couple of other folks who might need some cheering. So I did that. I also finished knitting a pair of socks for my sponsee - she really wanted this pair of socks I have been knitting. And, voile! when I turned my thoughts to others, I felt fine.

"When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 100

July 2

Yesterday at the Morning After meeting, a man looked me in the eye and told me to thank my son for him - for going to Iraq. I started crying then. I have been feeling shakey and slightly sick since then. I don't know why that is what started it.

In the meeting, I was sitting next to Denny. Denny took me to my first meeting on July 24, 1984 (yes, I have a birthday coming up.) We were talking after the meeting and we laughed when we recalled that his sons used to babysit for my kids when I went to meetings with him in the early days. Right now I cannot imagine that I was ever 32 years old and that my son was 7 and the girls were 5. In many respects, I can remember my first day of sobriety as if it were yesterday, but when I think that I am now 54, my son is 29, my daughters are 27 - that is a long time ago.

I know that people want to have decades of sobriety. There is a lot of wonderful stuff that comes with that. Not the least of which is the decades of a pretty decent life lived. However, if anyone asked me, I would suggest to a newcomer or someone in their first couple of years to enjoy each moment. Enjoy your kids while they are young. Enjoy your friends in Alcoholics Anonymous. Do not wish your life away by wishing you had more years or more money or more anything.

"We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133

Happy New (fiscal) Year!

Saturday Morning. How I love Saturday Mornings. My son is downstairs sleeping. I am getting ready to head out to a meeting. He is going golfing with his dad today and then to their house for dinner tonight.

We had a wonderful time yesterday. He bought "Mean Girls" and we watched it. I don't know if it was just because I was in the company of my kids, but I thought that movie was hilarious. I really enjoyed it. But of course, I know that I really enjoyed just sitting with my kids watching a movie together, it probably wouldn't have mattered what movie it was.

"Still more wonderful is the feeling that we do not have to be specially distinguished among our fellows in order to be useful and profoundly happy. Not many of us can be leaders of prominence, nor do we wish to be. Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God's sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in God's scheme of things -- these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes. True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124, 125.

Fleurs

A certain sweet man brought me flowers yesterday. All wrapped up in florist's paper. I don't know if there is anything more feminine feeling than unwrapping the flowers, finding a vase, cutting the ends off the flowers and arranging them.

My daughter and son decided not to drive through last night. I was glad because my daughter had driven 14 hours on Weds., and then turned around and was driving back, only on the way back she had her brother to share the driving, and to keep her company. So, I will get to see my son today. I asked him if he had any food requests and the only thing he asked for was "Chocolate Lucky Charms" - (YIKES!), I bought organic whole milk because that is what he likes. Today I will get other food requests - I hope he wants me to make pizza. That is another feminine joy, walking through the grocery store purchasing food for your children... even if the "child" is going to be 30 in August and heading off to war. Okay, I am getting better at staying in the moment, but I haven't got it exactly down!

This is my last day of vacation. I have had a fantastic vacation. I am usually anxious to get back to work after a week, but I have thoroughly enjoyed my time off this time. Hopefully I can go back to work with a refreshed attitude.

"The other steps can keep most of us sober and somehow functioning. But Step Eleven can keep us growing, if we try hard and work at it continually." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 264

I have legs and arms..

But my back hurts. The 18 mile bike ride yesterday kicked my a**. Biking is usually the best part of the triathlon for me, but this year I am not in good biking shape. I can swim the 750 meters easily (just did it this morning), and I can run the 5K, but the biking 20K is going to take some work. That bike accident last summer really messed me up. I have a little over a month to get ready for the tri, I know I can do it if I really work, but it is not going to come easily. I was reminded by a sweet person yesterday that I COULD do the triathlon today if I needed to, and that is true. I could do it. It just would hurt like hell. He said that is exactly why everyone isn't doing triathlons.

Went to see "Click" yesterday afternoon. It was wonderful to go to a movie in the middle of the afternoon and then to dinner before there were many people in the restaurant. I hope this is what retirement will be like some day. Once again, I was reminded that my reactions to things are not usually like others... I thought the movie was profoundly sad, I was crying and had to grab a handkerchief out of my purse to try to dab delicately at the tears streaming down my face, and sniff pitifully into my starched hankie. Yikes. The movie is a freaking comedy! My Sweetheart thought it was a cute comedy with a weird part in it that didn't make sense.

My son should be home later on tonight. I am so looking forward to seeing him, but I am having a hard time staying in the present. I really can't think about seeing him without thinking about saying goodbye to my only son as he leaves to go to war. Oh my God. Thank God for AA and this way of life, or I am sure I would absolutely lose my mind. I know that by the grace of God, I can get through anything, one second at a time if necessary.

"Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world. We are no longer lost and frightened and purposeless. The moment we catch even a glimpse of God's will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs. We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 105

Look Who I saw!

At the clubhouse in Savannah!

Today is Bike to Work Day in Colorado. Even though I am on vacation, I am going to bike in to work. I am the site coordinator for the hospital, so I thought it might be nice if I showed up. I promised the person who so kindly volunteered to do the work today, buying the juice and bagels, and setting it up, etc. that I would at least show up for an hour. It will be super nice to ride to work, visit a bit, and then ride back home!!! It's 18 miles roundtrip, so it won't be a bad workout. This afternoon my sweetheart (yep, he is my sweetheart) is taking me to a movie and an early dinner.

"Let us never fear needed change. Certainly we have to discriminate between changes for worse and changes for better. But once a need becomes clearly apparent in an individual, in a group, or in AA as a whole, it has long since been found out that we cannot stand still and look the other way.

The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 115

Home Sweet Home

I made it home, safe and sound, last night. I am so grateful to be home. I love driving my own car, being in my own house, using my own washing machine, eating my own food out of my own refrigerator, and being where I really truly feel I belong. And I got to see my sweetheart last night!

I went to the gym this morning and ran 2 miles on the treadmill. On the way home I stopped at the store for some soda, yogurt, and other essentials. The date on the yogurt lid is the day of the TRIATHLON! Oh my, there it was, August 6, 2006. I guess that is pretty close. I better start training at little bit more intensely.

I am just so profoundly glad to be home. And to me, that is almost the whole point of taking a vacation. I don't have to go back to work until July 3, so I have some time to just chill.

My son may or may not be home on Thursday. He called on Friday and said that he may not be leaving for Iraq until August, and if his departure is delayed until August, his leave will also be delayed. I will be happy to see him, whenever it is.

"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 98

Leaving Savannah

I am getting ready to go home! I will be very happy to set foot back on my own little part of the world. Where the air is dry as a bone and crisp when it hits your skin. Doesn't sound good, does it? But one can get used to it...

I just got back from the Early Birds meeting in Savannah. I have never been greeted so warmly at an out of town meeting. I was so impressed with that group! They even asked me to give a lead - strange language for this Denver person... we don't do that in Denver. So I talked for about 10 minutes. It was good for me to do that. It was amazing to me that everyone in that group got to share this morning. I go to groups where there are always at least 2 or 3 blowhards who MUST talk for 15 to 20 minutes, and then the new guy or lady never gets to share. Anyway, it was great to be there, and Thanks Again Mark W. for getting me the 411.

Next post will be from Denver, Colorado, USA.

Sunday Evening

Here it is, Sunday Evening. I am absolutely exhausted and headachey. I am not particularly a good traveler. It has been a HUGE weekend. It was nice, but I will be thrilled to be home tomorrow.

The birthday party was wonderful yesterday. To spend time with my family is truly a blessing. Particulary my niece who will be 11 years sober on August 15. We had a great time visiting on the boat and then on the beach yesterday. The boat ride was more than anyone bargained for... very wild and a little scary. I still have a touch of vertigo from it!

My niece and I sat next to each other at church this morning. When everyone held hands and said the Lord's Prayer, it had special meaning to us. I squeezed her hand and whispered "keep coming back!" and she giggled. It was wonderful to look at a whole pew in church being taken by my family. I am so unaccustomed to being with my brothers and sister. It was really nice.

My wardrobe has been fine, which is a relief. That IS, after all, the important thing you know.

Thanks to Mark W. for hooking me up with meeting info. I am going to go to the 7:30 a.m. meeting tomorrow. It will be good to be sitting in one of those seats I have earned - in spades.

Found a Computer!

There is a computer here in the hotel, so I guess you aren't rid of me for a few days after all!

It is wonderful to be here with my family. We had a glorious time last night sitting outside on my brother's deck, looking at a beautiful sunset over beautiful water.... water that is such a rare sight for someone from the arid west. We are leaving on boats in a little while to go to an island. Fun!

The flight was amazing. Every single seat on the plane was full. Seated next to me - please do not laugh, this is NOT a joke - was a woman with Tourette's Disorder. She had it very severely. She screamed intermittently throughout the flight. Then she cried because she felt so bad about being so socially unacceptable. Then she threw up.

And here was my reaction to that: I thanked God from the bottom of my heart that he thought enough of me to place this woman next to me out of all the people on that airplane. It really was a spiritual experience. I held the woman's hand, and rubbed her back while she was throwing up. I reassured her that she was fine and there was no reason to apologize to anyone. And did I worry about my anxiety about flying for one second during that flight? No. Absolutely not.

I think there is probably an opportunity for service in every moment of our lives if we will be open to the idea...

I am going to attempt a quote here - with no book, so I have no page number - sorry, this is off the top of my head...

"Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed."

Leaving on a jet plane

I did not sleep much last night. I am excited about the trip, but also anxious. I don't like flying. But it does give me a good reason to do some serious meditation - which always works to alleviate my anxiety.

I don't think I will be able to post while I am gone. If I find a stray computer, I will though.

Have a great weekend everybody. I will be back on Tuesday if not before.

"There is only one sure test of all spiritual experiences: 'By their fruits, ye shall know them.' This is why I think we should question no one's transformation - whether it be sudden or gradual. Nor should we demand anyone's special type for ourselves, because experience suggests that we are apt to receive whatever may be the most useful for our own needs." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 281

Taking a Trip....

Got to take my books with me.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my boss and got everything approved that I thought I never would. So some new stuff at work will be rolling out on July 1. I feel so happy about this. Today I just have to wrap up a few things and clean up my desk and take care of the stuff you do when you go on vacation... put a voice mail on the phone that says I will be back on July 3, do an e-mail response that says I will be back on July 3, etc.

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 82

Green Shoes!

I found them and they are cute! And they match the blouse I was trying to match. Yippeeee! Thanks for the wonderful suggestions about spray paint yesterday. You guys rock! Now I have noticed another cultural phenomenon.... younger people tend to think these are "nice" shoes, because they are cute, and have sequins. People "my" age tend to think they are "flip flops." I will always try to err on the side of youth, besides I have looked absolutely everywhere and this is absolutely the only pair I could find in this shade.

I am getting so dang excited about my vacation. I should be seeing the man either tonight or tomorrow - he thinks all my shopping activities are cute... that is a good thing.

"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 102

Shorter week

Oh my goodness. Trying to get ready to take a vacation is a lot of work! I have a huge amount of work to do at work. It doesn't help that I have timed my vacation to coincide with the end of the fiscal year... so essentially I have taken a week off the end of my fiscal year and I need to have everything done by Thursday afternoon when I leave.

Also, I NEED green shoes, dammit! I cannot find the proper shade of green shoes! I may be forced to wear black shoes to my brother's birthday party in Savannah. Oh my. I have one more place to try for the proper hue of green shoes tonight. Last night, I purchased a new swimming suit.... something we women just love doing. Standing in a fitting room, looking at all the imperfections of our bodies. Thank God for the fact that I have been going to the tanning salon since January. A good tan hides many, many flaws.

I am going to go to the 6:30 a.m. meeting this morning, which I usually only do on the weekends. But I am concerned about getting my regular meetings after work this week, and I know I won't be at my regular meetings this weekend. I don't want to go off to a weekend with my family - who almost all drink a LOT - and not be "meeting'd up". Thankfully, one of my nieces is a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I just love her and I cannot wait to see her. I think she has over 10 years now.

Short Week

I only have to work 4 days this week and then I am going on vacation! I leave on Friday morning for Savannah, GA, USA. I am very excited about seeing my family, getting out of town, and getting away from work for over a week. I will be back from Savannah next Monday, but I took that entire week off of work - just to kick back.

Yesterday walking across the campus of my Alma Mater, on my way to the class I am auditing, I had a bit of an epiphany. That is probably wild overstatement and hyperbole, but oh well. I recalled the first time I walked across the campus and into the building my class was in yesterday. The first time was in early 1997, I had an interview to see if they would accept me into their program. I was so nervous. I was sober 13 years, but still had that feeling that they would "find out" about me and never allow me to attend their prestigious University. But they did let me in, and I excelled, in fact, I graduated in 2000 "Magna Cum Laude". I missed Summa Cum Laude by only a fraction of a grade point. And then I went on to get my masters degree in 2001, all of this while working full time. I say this not to impress anyone, but because I am still astounded. I had spent 40 some years of my life convinced I was lazy and stupid!

I was also convinced of many other untruths. Little by little, as I stay sober, one day at a time, I hope that all of my untruths will be revealed and I will get to be the woman God intended me to be.

"When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 52

Back to School

I am getting ready to go to school today. I am auditing a graduate level Biostatistics class at my Alma Mater. I will be in the classroom from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. today. Right now I cannot imagine what I was thinking when I signed up for this! I SO don't want to go do this. But I will and most likely I will enjoy it immensely.

Happy Father's Day to all of you men and women. These days can sometimes feel like the worst days of all to some of us. These can be days when the rest of the world looks like a wonderful place, and we are standing on the outside, forever looking in. I miss my dad terribly. I find that I talk about him almost every day. I will remember some little thing he used to say. I think it is days like these when it is most important to be around the fellowship, where we are likely to be around people who have had the same kinds of family problems, and we may find that our problems are small in comparison.

I better get going if I am going to get to my home group before I get to school.

"First things First
Live and Let Live
Easy Does It."
-- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 135

I love Saturday Mornings

This one especially. It is cool, only 63 degrees, there is the lovely breeze floating through my lace curtains I am always talking about. It is after seven, I have only just woken up, and still have my nightgown on.

I had a wonderful evening last night. It was a perfect night to go downtown - it was not hot, it was not cool. I could wear a sleeveless top and a pair of capris and be perfectly comfortable. The fact that I had at least one arm around me most of the time didn't hurt at all....

Which leads me to this....in the past, I have written about how public I think a blog is. As anyone who has read this for a while knows, I don't mind spilling my own guts all over the place - because it just might help someone else. However, I almost feel disloyal to this wonderful man to be writing about him without his knowledge or consent. As someone who has spent a lifetime working around health information, I know that I have not crossed the line by using his name or any other identifying information. However, emotionally, I think I better be really careful here. He is such a upright, solid, steady, kind, and GOOD man, I want to do nothing to dishonor him. I will be careful when I write about him.

We are going to a movie tonight. And then I have school all day tomorrow. On a Sunday in June, I am going to be sitting in a classroom from 9 to 4, brushing up my Biostatistics skills. Sheesh. There is something very wrong with this picture!

Today I am going to take a bike ride. As I said, it is a beautiful day. All the way around, just beautiful, a wonderful day to be a sober woman, alive in God's world.

"We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

Friday, June 16, 2006

It's Friday Morning! I am going to go to the gym, run 2.5 miles (please note the POINT in there, not 25 miles; 2 point 5 miles.) come back home, get ready for work.... go to work, and at the end of the day...come home, get dolled up, and go out on the town with the MAN! Oh, I cannot wait! Just please dear God, keep me away from any further retail opportunities today. I have been spending money like I have it.... I cannot continue to purchase a new outfit for every single time I go out with him. It is especially funny since he has no idea what is new clothes and what has been hanging in my closet for years! And the trips to Victoria's Secret have got to STOP! Okay. Enough!

I got to see my sponsee last night for the first time in several weeks. That was good. She has been working almost around the clock on a house she and her partner bought - to fix up and sell. They put it on the market this week. I hope they can sell it at quickly and at a good price. I am so grateful to have those two women in my life.

I am feeling like a 16 year old kid this morning. I better get on with my day. And thank God for it.

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 86

It's a heat wAAve!

So I am wearing my new boxers. Aren't they cute?

The open water swim was so excellent yesterday. It was 102 degrees outside, the sun was shining, and I don't think there could have been a better motivator to hop in some really, really cold water. The water was ice cold and clean. The wind kicked up though, so by the time we had put in a half hour of swimming, there were actually white caps and we needed to quit. We were both tired though and we had only planned on swimming for a half hour. My friend is such a jock, and so young, and only weighs about 3 lbs., that she is usually just so patient with my elderly-ness when we are biking or running. But when we are swimming, I actually was faster! And I actually could stop and offer HER a word of support and some tips on how to swim in open water without drowning. What fun!

The wonderful man needed to cancel our date last night, so we are scheduled to see each other tonight. I am getting more and more OK with this. It is hard to "date" when you are 54 years old, have been married three times, have had horrible experiences with men, and have pretty much decided to be alone for the rest of your life. Then along comes a man who is way more than I ever even dreamed. So, one day at a time, one date at a time, praying every day for God to either Bless it or Block it, I will try to enjoy this for what it is and not what it isn't.

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.' We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burining up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 87, 88

Happy Flag Day

Or is this just another excuse to post a picture of my front porch?

Today I am going for an open water swim in a reservoir after work with my friend the rec therapist. (The triathlon is on August 6, and my training has got to step up a notch or two.) It should be fun to swim... but very very cold. But with temperatures getting into the high nineties every single day, I guess the cold will feel good. Then after the swim, I have a date with the wonderful man.

It is also getting down to the wire with the trip to Savannah. I still have to rent a car. My sister wanted me to stay in a room with her and I told her I would get my own, and she had hurt feelings! But I hate sharing a room with someone! Hate! Hate! Hate! It would be nice to save that $400., but I don't want to have a miserable time.

I will get back from Savannah on the 26th, and my son will be home on leave for 11 days starting on the 29th. It will be so good to see him. He is staying here at my house! Yay! Then he will be shipping out (literally) for Iraq. He will spend 32 days on a ship... he is going with the equipment. God help me please.

"...all alcoholics should constantly have chocolate available for its quick energy value at times of fatique." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 134

Happy Birthday Sober Chick!

Sober Chick has one year of sobriety today! To see 365 days - all in a row - sober, one trip around the sun.... it is a miracle.

"If you are honestly trying to live the way you believe God wants you to live, you can get guidance from God in times of quiet communion with Him, provided your thoughts are directed towards God's will and all good things. The attitude of "Thy will, not mine, be done" leads to clear guidance." -- Twenty-Four Hours a Day, Meditation for the Day, June 13.

Monday June 12

I really do like Monday mornings. I will get to the gym just as it is opening, have a nice run, come back home and get ready for another productive week at work. I actually have some homework to do this week! On Sunday, I am starting a summer class. I am auditing a graduate level Biostatistics class at my Alma Mater. I am so excited about this. It will help me with my job and I just love statistics so it will be fun. I have been out of school for 5 years, so I know it will be hard to sit in a classroom all day on a Sunday, but it will be good. The class only meets 3 times, the rest of the work is done online.

Yesterday I went to my daughter's house for lunch. I got a glimmer of hope when I heard something she told my granddaughter. The little one was crying because one of her friends hurt her feelings. She had silent little tears streaming down her face as we were eating lunch. My daughter listened sympathetically for a while and then told her daughter this: "when I feel really bad, if I do something for someone else it helps me to forget about myself and then I feel better!" In just that one sentence, I saw so much hope for my daughter - and her family.

I had a terrible attack of fear yesterday morning. I have not felt this way in so long, it is so unfamiliar to me. I don't like it one little bit. But I guess when you step outside of your comfort zone, it can be frightening. I am very glad to report that today I am not in fear.

"We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.

Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

Sunday Morning

Just took a swim. It is beautiful outside. I don't know what I am doing today. I am awaiting a call or e-mail from the new man. We are supposed to be getting together this afternoon.

GOD HELP ME WITH THIS PLEASE.

I'm fine, really. Fine. Just fine. No fear here. Feeling vulnerable and exposed is just fine with me, I can handle it.

"When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 53

Happy 71st Birthday Alcoholics Anonymous

"On the way to City Hospital on the east side of town, Dr. Bob held out his hand from time to time to see whether the shakes had subsided. Just before they stopped, Bill, who also had his practical side, gave him a bottle of beer....

Although arguments have been and will be made for other significant occasions in AA history, it is generally agreed that Alcoholics Anonymous began there, in Akron, on that date: June 10, 1935." -- Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, p. 75

Thank God we live in an age when there is a solution to the terrible affliction of alcoholism.

Friday Morning

It is Friday Morning. A storm moved through yesterday afternoon and it cooled down. It is 65 degrees right now and delicious cool air is wafting through my lace curtains. The @$#@#$ parents next door came home last night, so the kids were quiet, and I got to SLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG.

I have a date with a man tonight. See? I did not have to spell it. I am praying a lot and trying not to act on fear. For this moment, I am dating a wonderful, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, handsome man. Nothing more than this. I must stop my mind when it decides to attack me.

JJ has two years today! I am so grateful to have gotten to know JJ and so many of you bloggers.

"The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 153

hot, hot, hot

Here's my tootsies. I love getting a pedicure. And I love having little flowers on my toes.

It is going to be 96 degrees today. It has been over 90 for several days. I am not getting enough sleep. I have a big neighbor problem - and the noise is relentless at night. I also have something very exciting and frankly a little bit scary going on in my life (see the posts of the last week if you don't know what it is.) I have the AC on, and a big fan in my bedroom, but that isn't the same as having peace and quiet and cool air coming in my bedroom window.

I lose all perspective when I am not getting enough sleep. I went to the gym this morning and while running I was listening to my i-pod... and started crying. Pitiful.

"Freedom has many facets, but mostly it releases us from much that has been troubling and defeating us. We pray for this release into freedom." -- One Day at a Time in Alanon, p. 129

June 7, 1981

25 years ago today, I was abducted and raped. God, that looks ugly even now. Even all these years later, that is a wound that is healed, but has left a scar.

On a Saturday afternoon in a small town in New Mexico, drinking beer and washing the car, I had a fight with my husband. He locked me out of the house. I was dressed in a tube top (it WAS 1981!) and a pair of cut offs - what would be called Daisy Dukes now. I pounded on the doors, trying to get him to let me in and attracted a lot of attention from the neighbor children. I was embarrassed, so I took off. On foot. On bare feet. I walked across town to my brother's house, and went to the rodeo with them that night. Obviously I had to have a few more beers and then had a fight with my sister-in-law and took off on foot again! On my way home, I stopped at a bar for a few more beers and to dance a little bit. When the bar closed, I started walking home -- and the rest is history.

Imagine my amazement when I realized that I could not prosecute this case! It seems nobody is very concerned with a violent crime perpetrated on a drunken housewife out walking around in the middle of the night in a tube top and cut offs. And so began the last 3 years of my drinking. I drank around the clock and left the house only to go to the grocery store, the public library, and the liquor store. It was unmitigated hell. Please dear God, may I never forget that.

Today, I am 25 years older, but eons younger than that young woman. Today I have the freedom to not ever have to try to explain what I was doing on a drunken day and night. Today I am not a victim just waiting for what next tragedy will befall me. By admitting utter defeat, I am given a life worth living. By surrendering completely, I am able to walk with my head held just right - not high, and not hung low - just looking straight ahead with hope. I am just fine knowing I am one of God's kids and he loves me. And so do a bunch of other people, and I love them too!

"...as a practicing alcoholic I had no rights. Society can do anything it chooses to do with me when I am drunk and I can't lift a finger to stop it, for I forfeit my rights through the simple expedient of becoming a menace to myself and to the people around me." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 549

Tuesday AM

I had a very disturbing dream last night. It was not a drunk dream - it was worse. I did not get drunk. I was sitting at a restaurant, at a large table, full of friends - nursing a large scotch and water on the rocks. In my dream, it tasted good and I was amazed at how I was not getting drunk, I was just enjoying a cocktail with friends! In my dream, I was trying to figure out how having ONE LITTLE DRINK was not going mean that I am no longer sober 21 + years. That thought woke me up.

I made it to the gym again this morning and ran 2 miles. I didn't walk much because I am taking a walk with my new fella tonight.

"We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85

Monday Morning

It is a happy Monday Morning. I feel better than a body deserves to.

I got to the gym this morning at 5:30 and hopped on the treadmill, put on my i-pod, and went to town. I decided yesterday that if I am to get my running fitness back, I am going to have to go back to square one, and do it on the treadmill - just like I did when I was starting. This morning I was able to run 2 miles, and walk 1.1, for a total of 3.1 miles, or a 5K.

I better get ready for work. I am looking forward to this week. I have a sudden cherriness that is probably not hard to explain, but I am not going to "go there" right now, thank you very much.

Thanks you bloggers. You guys and gals enrich my life in ways you couldn't begin to know.

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxvi

Sunday Morning

Last night I actually slept all night! Following the suggestions of my new M-A-N friend, I closed all the windows and drapes, turned on the central air, put a fan in my bedroom for white noise, and prayed to sleep. I woke up at one point and just looked out the window for giggles, and sure enough, there was a party going on next door. But I just went right back to sleep. Normally I hate air conditioning and only use it on the hottest days, but it is worth using it to get some sleep.

We went to see a movie last night. We both had gotten less than 3 hours of sleep the night before. I had the party next door. He had a red haired, green eyed woman on his mind! We had both also gotten only 3 hours of sleep on Weds. night after our first date. We are both tired!

I am supposed to go take a bike ride and an open water swim with both of my daughters today. The Tri Training Trio!

"We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 25

Saturday Afternoon

Oh Dear. I don't want to write too much about this man I went out with last night. I guess suffice it to say that I am pretty smitten. Going out to a nice restaurant downtown where I had a steak that cost what a week of groceries cost - in a lovely setting and with a man who gazes at me longingly, holds my hand across the table, and tells me I am beautiful. Well, that is pretty intoxicating - in a good way.

I was up almost all last night because frankly I was a little bit revved up by the date. But also the fact that my neighbors have taken off again and left their kids (19 and 16) alone. There was a party next door until 5:00 a.m. I told them they were standing just beneath my bedroom window and keeping me awake, but they didn't stop. The neighborhood went through this last summer with them. It was dreadful. We got to the point where we took turns calling the police. I pray tonight they will not have a party. I am exhausted!

My new M-A-N friend came over for breakfast this morning and we sat and talked until just now. We are hoping we can do something tonight. This is something that just has to be in God's hands. 'nuff said.

This morning I went to a 6:30 meeting. At the meeting was the widow of a recently deceased member. It was a tragic, untimely death. He was a wonderful man and I think everyone loved him. There was not a dry eye in the house when the widow talked in the meeting and said she just wanted to express her thanks to the group and Alcoholics Anonymous for the last 16 years of her marriage. They were happy years because he was sober. It was very moving. God Bless You Tom. I hope to see you in the big meeting in the sky some day. It seems that lately more of my friends are there than down here.

Friday Morning

I am going to tell you all a semi-secret. Only three people I know in "real life" know this. But I am going to tell my whole cyber community:

Tonight I am going out on a D-A-T-E with an M-A-N. (I have to spell it or it might terrify me to death!)

So if you are so inclined, please say a prayer for me and the M-A-N. I am glad you can't see my heart rate monitor right now because my heart is really going!

"When AA was quite young, a number of eminent psychologists and doctors made an exhaustive study of a good-sized group of so-called problem drinkers. The doctors weren't trying to find how different we were from one another; they sought to find whatever personality traits, if any, this group of alcoholics had in common. They finally came up with a conclusion that shocked the AA members of that time. These distinguished men had the nerve to say that most of the alcoholics under investigation were still childish, emotionally sensitive, and grandiose." --Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 123

Teachable Alcoholic

If you have a second, go over and support our newest blogger! Welcome Diego!

with every heAArt beat...

I am more grateful to be sober.

"Being wrecked in the same vessel, being restored and united under one God, with hearts and minds attuned to the welfare of others, the things which matter so much to some people no longer signify much to them." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 161

OK, here's a peak at the peg board

There are more pictures of my garage project on my photo blog.

Let's see, if I am 54 years old (I am), and have been sober since I was 32 (which I have), and the first ten years of my sobriety were pretty chaotic (which they were), then I have had almost twelve years now of peace and serenity. But from years ten til sixteen I managed to start and finish my bachelors degree and then go on to get my masters degree, all while working full time, supporting myself and raising kids sporadically - I wouldn't call that exactly peaceful and serene... or was it? I digress... So let's say the last 5 years of my life have been peaceful and serene (which they have). That means that of a life of 54 years, I have had 5 years of peace and serenity. Which means that .0925 of my life has been peaceful and serene.

This is all a very long way of explaining WHY I think putting peg board on my garage wall is exciting. I used my own little black and decker cordless drill and my own little ladder and my own little arms, legs, and hands to put it up. I didn't have a fight with anyone. The police were not called. There were no suicide threats or attempts. I didn't write a hot check for any of the above. I am not hiding from anyone today. I am just a normal appearing granny living alone in her little green house with the flag flying on the front porch.

And for all of this I am more grateful than words can say.

Thanks all you bloggers for enriching my life.

Tuesday looks like a Monday

I decided on Friday not to take today off. I regret that decision right now. I can think of a million things I need to do that I can't get done on the weekend or while I am at work. Maybe I can take this Friday off. I am feeling rather dull this morning and would like to go back to bed, but I will get on with my day instead.

"AA may be human in its organization, but it is Divine in its purpose." -- Twenty-Four Hours a Day, May 30 AA Thought for the Day.

Memorial Day

Couldn't resist another picture of the flag flying from my front porch. This time it's a view from my rocking chair. What an old lady I am turning out to be! Speaking of which, went to church this morning. It was nice to have a nice quiet peaceful beginning to my day.

Yesterday I didn't install the peg board (I am hoping to do it today), but instead hopped on my bike and rode down to the lake and around, it was a nice 12 mile ride. Took a nice freezing swim - I managed to swim for a half hour - and then sat on the beach for a while and read. Also ran into an old AA friend, it was nice to chat with her. Even though it is slightly embarrassing to be there at the "beach" in my tri suit, as opposed to regular sunning wear. It was good to get in my first open water swim of the season. It sure is different than swimming laps in a pool!

Yesterday was the first Sunday that I have not heard from my son since his deployment. He has been telling me every week that I may not hear for him for a while because he is going here and there and working 7 days a week. But this is the first time he didn't call. I sure do miss him.

"The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous." Alcoholics Anonymous, p.25

Sunday Morning

I went to the Sunrise Serenity Group this morning. I haven't been there for a while. I ran into a woman I used to sponsor - she has just moved back to town from Las Vegas. We are planning to get together for bike rides, etc. It was good to see her.

It is such a nice weekend. My favorite neighbors are home this weekend, so we have had many visits. I am in the middle of the HUGE project of cleaning my garage. I bought some peg boards last night and am looking forward to installing them today.

"I should try to practice the presence of God. I can feel that He is with me and near me, protecting and strengthening me always. In spite of every difficulty, every trial, every failure, the presence of God suffices. Just to believe that He is near me brings strength and peace. I should try to live as though God were beside me. I cannot see Him because I was not made with the ability to see Him else there were no room for faith. But I can feel His spirit with me." Twenty-Four Hours a Day, Meditation for the day, May 28.

Saturday Morning

This is what my front porch looks like this morning. I am grateful to have a front porch where I can fly the flag, sit in my rocking chair, water my plants, and generally be a sober human being.

Took a walk instead of a run this morning (because I am also planning a bike ride and a swim today). While I was walking, I encountered an elderly gentleman who used to go to a 6:30 a.m. AA meeting in the area. He stopped me to ask me if I am Mexican. hmmm. I have red hair and green eyes... Anyway, we started talking, and I realized that he does not remember me. I am not even sure he remembers himself. He looked disheveled and a little wacky. He was talking wacky too. I didn't ask him if he remembers me. I didn't ask him if he was back on the sauce. Because frankly, I think he may very well be suffering from dementia and not drunkeness. We had a nice, albeit weird, chat. But I walked away and wondered if I should have said "don't you remember me?" "are you OK?" "are you drinking?"

Any thoughts from my wonderful fellow bloggers?

Three Day Weekend Ahead

I am thrilled to have a three day weekend ahead. I am tired. I may look to see if I have anything I can't miss on Tuesday and try to make it a four day weekend. Today I should be able wrap up a project I have been working on for over a year. It would be nice to take a very long weekend after that. And I have not one plan for the weekend. I will get to some meetings, I will take a bike ride or two, maybe take an open water swim since the "beaches" are now open, I will get to church, I MIGHT clean the garage, and maybe some handsome and charming man will ask me to join him for coffee or dinner... and maybe not.

"The unity of Alcoholics Anonymous is the most cherished quality our Society has. Our lives, the lives of all to come, depend squarely upon it. We stay whole, or AA dies." Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 129

More shoes

I do love shoes. I recall a trip I made to Phoenix once with a man who is now a bearded gentleman who lives in the Big Sky Country... he didn't understand why I needed to bring 3 different pairs of white athletic shoes on a weekend trip. I packed other shoes as well. Over the years, I have gotten better at packing, but I still enjoy shoes for every occassion.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was thinking about a baby I can still see in my mind's eye because he was so perfect. He was just the most beautiful baby (other than my own) I had ever seen. The baby is now 20 years old and the associated press is running with a scandalous story about him. Just writing that makes me cry. His father, my dear friend, has such a heavy load to carry right now.

Whenever I feel sad I have to pause and thank God that I am able to feel sad (or anything else for that matter). And then I can pray for all involved.

"On the day that the calamity of Pearl Harbor fell upon our country, a great friend of AA was walking along a St. Louis street. Father Edward Dowling was not an alcoholic, but he had been one of the founders of the struggling AA group in his city. Because many of his usually sober friends had already taken to their bottles that they might blot out the implications of the Pearl Harbor disaster, Father Ed was anguished by the thought that his cherished AA group would probably do the same.

Then a member, sober less than a year, stepped alongside and engaged Father Ed in a spirited conversation--mostly about AA. Father Ed saw, with relief, that his companion was perfectly sober.

'How is it that you have nothing to say about Pearl Harbor? How can you roll with a punch like that?'

'Well,' replied the yearling, 'each of us in AA has already had his own private Pearl Harbor. So why should we drunks crack up over this one?" -- As Bill Sees It, p. 71

Great Bike Ride

Took this picture last night on a bridge over the river - the only break we took. It was a great bike ride. My friend is about 15 years younger than me, has recently lost 68 lbs. and is a rec therapist for a living. I had to really push to keep up with her, which was a good thing. We saw 3 snakes, two of which I nearly ran over, one dead deer along the trail, and one animal lurking in the bushes when we were stopped. We quickly got back on our bikes after seeing the lurking animal. It could have been a bighorn sheep, a deer, or any number of other large animals. But its lurking behavior made me suspect that it was something a tad more sinister, like a coyote or a mountain lion (EEK!)

I am going to get out and run this morning if I can quickly get done blogging. I have a big deal to take care of at work, so I need to be there on time. I better get moving.

"We have no desire to convince anyone that there is only one way by which faith can be acquired. All of us, whatever our race, creed, or color, are the children of a living Creator, with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p.28

LG

Life's Good. Tonight, after work, I am going for a bike ride at Waterton Canyon with someone from work. It should be fun. It is about a six mile steady climb uphill on a dirt road - followed by turning around and coming downhill for another six miles... hopping in your car and driving home.

"After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 103

Routine

It's Monday Morning. Back to work. I have a meeting with my boss this morning. I am praying about whether to confront him about some stuff. There is probably a 50% chance he will cancel the meeting. He has canceled our last 3 scheduled monthly meetings. It is a real challenge to "rise above" crap at work sometimes. I need God's help to do this.

"For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

Fellowship

I just got home from my friend Patty's birthday meeting. She celebrated 23 years of sobriety today. The meeting was great. Someone said that over 1/3 of the room were long-timers, if you define a long-timer as someone with over 18 years of sobriety. It was just nice to be there and feel like I am one of the crowd, like I just fit in, like I am just there with my peers. I can remember her 2nd birthday. She had a huge party at her little townhouse. There were so many people there, they were even sitting on her stairs. It was a wonderful thing.

Many of us went out for breakfast after the meeting. We filled up a whole back room of a Mexican Restaurant. People make fun of me because I always order Bologna and Eggs there! Who ever heard of fried bologna being on a menu? Well, it is on that menu, and I eat it every time.

A unifying factor in my friendship with Patty is that we both are overwhelmed with gratitude to be sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous. We are both grateful to have long term sobriety, but neither of us take it for granted. We both know that we are One Drink Away From a Drunk. One Drink. We both go to meetings regularly and do all the same stuff we have been doing for these decades. Sharing our experience, strength, and hope. We did not graduate to some higher plane of recovery where we only come around occassionally to bless all the unwashed masses with our royal presence.

We do not come to meetings to comment on and critique others' experience, strength, and hope... we come to share our own. We do not extend uninvited sponsorship, advice, or criticism. We are in the same boat with everyone from the shaky first day-er to the shaky 50 year-er.

This is also what I love about you fellow sober bloggers. Almost without exception, we share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. We do this with respect and love for one another. We almost never come along and dump unsolicited advice and a superior attitude on each other. And for that I am truly grateful.

Alcoholic Brain

Found an undiscovered recovery blog today--- go over and visit alcoholic brain.

Endless Possibilities

I Love Saturday Morning. The weekend seems full of endless possibilities. I have a fresh brewed cup of coffee. I am sitting by an open window, with a lovely cool morning breeze billowing through the lace curtains. The robins are singing. The leaves on the big tree in my front yard have finally returned (after being frozen in late April) which transforms the view from this window.

I am going to take a bike ride this morning. In fact, as soon as I post this, I am going to throw on my bike gear and get out of here. I am very excited about this.

Graduation was wonderful. The moment I heard "Pomp and Circumstance" I wanted to start crying, but managed not to. All the little children walked up to the podium and said what they wanted to be when they grew up. Imagine my surprise when my little Olivia, daughter of a couple of scoff-laws, walked up and said she would like to be a Police Officer when she grows up!

I am grateful that I could take the time off work to go be there at her graduation.

I am grateful I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. If I am sober, almost anything else is possible.

Graduation Day

It seems so hard to believe that today is my little Olivia's graduation from kindergarten. That little girl had an amazing story by the time she was born. She is nothing less than a miracle. But we all have our miracles, don't we?

Watering Flowers

I woke up this morning trying to think of something suitable for a picture. This is as good as it got. Watering my flowers in the dark.

I am riding my bike to work today. It is 6:06 a.m. and already 58 degrees. Perfect bike riding weather.

Last night I took my granddaughters shopping. Oy. Did you know that little girls wear very fancy, almost formal, dresses to Kindergarten Graduation? Well, this one will. And her sister got one too. And shoes... And my oh so stable daughter put blue streaks in her 6 year old's hair. So she gets to go to Kindergarten Graduation in a very beautiful dress and blue hair. Oh Lord Of Mercy.

God doesn't have grandkids or great-grandkids.

Taking Care

I don't have normal reactions to anything. I don't know when I am under or over-reacting. For instance, my appendix ruptured before I had surgery - I am so fortunate I didn't die - but I thought it would hurt more if I had appendicitis. Anyway, I had a pain in my throat which felt alarmingly like the pain I had from an infected parotid gland a couple of years ago. I thought I should probably go see my doc and find out if I was indeed getting the same thing again - I really don't want this again, it was PAINFUL.

But yesterday I had a dental appointment I had been anxiously awaiting. I am getting some dental work that I am thrilled to be getting. I wasn't thrilled when I needed three big novocaine shots yesterday, but I am thrilled to be getting some crowns. So I went to the dentist and not the doc.

When I went to bed last night, I expected to feel even worse this morning and I planned on calling the doc and getting in there today. However, I woke up feeling fine. Today I want to ride my bike to work. I want to get out and run. I think I will go out and try to run and if that works out OK, I will know that whatever I had has passed. And I didn't even spend $30 to see my doc!

Thanks for your concern. It really is heart-warming to see all the nice comments. You guys are the best!

sicky

I am not feeling well at all. I think I have an infected parotid gland. I should go to the doctor, but I haven't yet.

TGIM

Thank God it's Monday. I get to go back to work. I have meetings scheduled. I get to talk to people who are not relatives. I get to use my brain for something other than figuring out how to tell the truth without being mean.

Maybe I am coming down with something? I am out of sorts. I ran for 2 minutes and 5 seconds this morning and decided to walk the rest of the way. I just don't feel my normal energy and happiness.

Whatever it is, I have a deep abiding faith that all will be well. I just don't feel great right now.

Mother's Day

I just read JJ's letter to her Mom. And it started the tears again. The tears started last night at mass. For some reason, it hit me like a ton of bricks that my mother has now been gone (as in dead) for 35 years. 35 years. God Bless Her.

I went to a meeting this morning and the tone was very light - which rubbed me the wrong way. You know, the smart ass guys wishing all you "mothers" (as in half of the hyphenated word) a happy mother's day. ha ha. Then at the end of the meeting a woman shared that her son had killed himself 2 days before Mother's Day a few years ago. And she hates the day. God Bless Her.

I need to call my sponsor today- she had her two older children taken away from her when she was still drinking, and has not seen them once since then. She got to raise one daughter - who is now serving a life sentence for murder. Yeah, mother's day is not her favorite either. God Bless Her too.

Alcoholism is a brutal disease. It decimates the alcoholic and all around him or her. Anyone who says they are grateful to be an alcoholic must be an orphan who never married or had children. I am more grateful than words can say to be sober, but am I grateful that I have this fucking disease and that one or two of my children have it? FUCK NO.

OK, I will stop:

My son called this morning. He also sent a card -which is a big deal for him. I miss him. My "problem" daughter may or may not be coming over today. The disease has her pretty good right now and she may not be able to tear herself away for a few hours. We shall see. God Bless Her. Her twin sister will be coming over. It may just be the two of us, and if it is, we will go see a movie.

Sorry to be so morbid. I have a wonderful life today. It is truly a God-Given Miracle. Sometimes it is just too sad for words to see what this disease does to people.

Total Non-Sequitor: Go see pictures of my new bike and yesterday's bike ride at my photo blog.

Too Excited

to sleep. I woke up at about 3:30 a.m. thinking about getting a new bicycle. I am really excited about the prospect. I will show up at the bike shop when it opens at 10:00. In the meantime, I will go swimming as the pool opens at 6:00. Then I can take a nap this afternoon, after a good bike ride - I hope.

I have less than three months to train for the triathlon. I am not ready. I am not even on target with my training. But I can get ready. I have to remember that the big lesson learned from my first triathlon was not to take it so seriously. I had trained too hard. My second triathlon was more fun. I am so excited about this one because both my daughters are registered to do it with me.

What has this got to do with recovery from alcoholism? Everything. I get to do things I could only dream of when I was drinking. I was always "gonna" do great things when I was drinking, but somehow, the drinking was all I ever got done.

What?

does Smirnoff make and put into a six pack? Sheesh.
I was just at the bike shop, I am going to buy a new bike because I am afraid of my skinny tire one. I am just not getting over the fear from my accident last year. So, I am going to try to trick myself by getting a new mountain bike so I have more stability.

Being somewhat smart, I decided not to purchase the bike right this second. I will go back after I have had time to think about it.

So, on my way out, I see a guy with a six pack of Corona ( I am very familiar with that beverage) and a six pack of Smirnoff something. Well, I have been sober long enough that I have never even had a wine cooler, not to mention a Zima, etc... And that is OK. But can someone tell me what Smirnoff beverage comes in little bottles?

Thank you.

Self, self, self

Yesterday I got mired in the self-centeredness of "low self-esteem". I guess you could call it low self-esteem. I felt inadequate to do much of anything and by day's end, I was convinced I needed to quit my job and start anew somewhere else. Somewhere I would be appreciated, supported, maybe even LOVED! Somewhere I would never screw up again. Never again would I make a mistake or fail to follow through.

And that is all nothing but EGO. Ego. What I thought was insecurity is self-centeredness. Someone once told me "if you are self-conscious, you are self-centered." Yikes. I didn't like that one little bit, but I thought about it and realized it was true. If I am thinking of others, what I can bring to a situation for others, I am not worried about whether my hair looks great, or how I sound, or if so-and-so thinks I am a moron.

So today, I shall endeavor to get over myself and just show up for work and do my job. Not worry about what anyone is thinking about me, because I will be thinking about what I can do for them.

"We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

HNT

"We are only operating a spiritual kindergarten in which people are enabled to get over drinking and find the grace to go on living to better effect." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 95

Snowy May Morning

Yep. Snow. Jeez Louise. I am so ready for this to be done.

I am going to pack up my gym bag and go for a run on the treadmill after work because I am not going out in the snow now. I understand getting outdoors in the snow and the ice and the sleet, etc. in January and February - but May?

Okay, enough complaining.

It has been a really wonderful week so far. It was great to see the big guy from the big sky on Monday. It was great to talk with him a few times on the phone yesterday.

Last night the phone rang, and I looked at the caller ID, as I always do. It was my "problem" daughter. I got an instant of fear and then answered the phone. She and her two daughters were laying in bed, with the speaker phone, and the little ones yelled "Hi Nana!" It was really a nice little surprise. Oh - and on Sunday my son called to make sure he has my address right! How cool is that? In case you are not picking up what is so cool, reminder: This Sunday is Mother's Day.

Lifelong Friends

Mary Christine and Big Sky Maack - outside of the meeting tonight. I haven't seen my friend for 12 years. What a blessing that we have these friendships in Alcoholics Anonymous. I have known him since I got sober in 1984. And what a riot, he and I. He in his red suit, I in my red hair and sitting, like the granny I am, knitting in the meeting. Oh man, if they only knew the maniacs we used to be!

"Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself." - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 153.

Note the time on this thing! I am up about 4 hours past my bedtime. I bet I won't be running tomorrow morning... just a hunch.

Monday in May

"Not many people can truthfully assert that they love everybody. Most of us must admit that we have loved but a few; that we have been quite indifferent to the many. As for the remainder-- well, we have really disliked or hated them.

We AA's find we need something much better than this in order to keep our balance. The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few, can ignore the many, and can continue to fear or hate anybody at all, has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time.

We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had formerly shown none. With those we dislike we can at least begin to practice justice and courtesty, perhaps going out of our way at times to understand and help them."
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 95

Monday morning. Getting ready for a run. Then I will go to work. I will try to do the above in all my dealings this week. Maybe I will get to see Big Sky Maack this week as he drives through Denver?

Sunday Morning

I went to night watch last night. Night watch is when a person or entity, like an AA group, takes responsibility for answering the calls received by the Denver Area Central Office for a block of time. One of the groups I attend takes the first Saturday of the month, from 5 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. We have a potluck at someone's house and we take calls. We got a LOT of calls last night. It was fun.

It was hard to show up there with my wacky hair color. BUT, I felt better when I got some compliments - including a totally spontaneous rave from a young man I don't know well. He just said "Wow! You look beautiful! I never realized you have such beautiful eyes!" Now, THAT was cool. So, of course, I like my hair a lot better now.

Another thing I don't like... I probably shouldn't complain about it here...but I will anyway. I realized after a while that I was sober longer than anyone there. I hate it when that happens. I guess I better get used to it though because my hope is that I will never take a drink again as long as I live. One day at a time, by the Grace of God, and just doing the next right thing, I hope to do that.

Now I will go plant the beautiful rose bush I bought yesterday. I will probably take and post pictures later... Note: I posted a close up of a rose - it is now in my garden, and very beautiful. The picture I took yesterday was right after an afternoon shower, you can practically smell it from the computer, can't you?

Seis de Mayo

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I have very dark red hair, and my eyebrows are also very dark red. I feel like a clown. I need to mow my lawn and I think I will wear a hat and sunglasses. I need to purchase my flowers and plants for the garden this year and I don't want to be seen in public. I will get over it... honest. For one thing, the color will fade - in time. Maybe I can call in sick to work and life for the next two and a half weeks?

Met my sponsee at her job last night and we went out for dinner which was great fun (that was back when I had normal colored hair and eyebrows). Well, I gotta go mow. I think I will wear a big straw hat and try to disguise myself as an eccentric gardner - wait, that wouldn't be a disguise. hmmmm.

Happy Weekend everybody. I am only half joking here....

Friday Morning

I woke this morning not knowing immediately what day of the week it is. I thought it was Saturday. But then I remembered my LUNCH plans for today. I am taking a co-worker out for lunch. Her birthday is on Sunday. I bought her a gift certificate for a pedicure - she has never had one. We had "words" yesterday and I was so furious with her, I would have wished she could vanish. Thank God that I can pray when I feel like that and God will help me to get over it - if I let him.

"We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension." - Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 53

no plAAce like home?

Ruby slippers? Probably not. I don't think the illustrious ruby slippers were wedgies. oh well.

Wonderful Wednesday

I just got done with a run - my best time in a long while. If you could bottle the fragrance of all the flowers and fruit trees in blossom, you could become very rich. I love May.

The former boyfriend showed up yesterday and installed a new pressure relief valve, and also fixed my sprinkler system. It was both wonderful and terrible to see him. It brought back a lot of stuff. I wanted to stay home from work and just spend the day with him, but I didn't. I am very grateful to him for spending most of a day here fixing all this stuff that makes me feel so vulnerable and helpless.

So, as I sit, drinking my water and trying to cool down from my run, I can hear the lovely hiss of my sprinkler system running! Left to my own devices, at this time in the morning, I would be trying to get the first drink down so that I could stop shaking. Thank God I had enough of that kind of "fun" and became willing to admit defeat. And in return I got a life that was beyond my wildest dreams.

Bill of Goods

Gosh, this is turning into a plumbing blog. I just erased 2 paragraphs that were just STARTING to tell the latest chapter in the plumbing story. But you know what? It is barely interesting to me, why on earth would someone else want to read about it? So, suffice it to say, I didn't believe what the plumber told me on Saturday and it turns out it was the truth. I need to replace a valve in my house. I am incredulous that I don't know a plumber in AA. I can't believe it.

My old boyfriend said he would come over this morning to replace the valve and fix my sprinkler system. I have faith that he is capable of doing these things. Whether he will show up is the question. So I will see if he shows up. And if he does, I will be eternally grateful to him. He is such a good man, the fact that he can't get sober is one of the bigger heart-breaking mysteries to me.

"Then some of us are far more alcohol-damaged than others. Still others encounter a series of calamaties and cannot seem to find the spiritual resources to meet them. There are those of us who are physically ill. Others are subject to more or less continuous exhaustion, anxiety, and depression. These conditions often play a part in slips-sometimes they are utterly controlling." - As Bill Sees It, p.99

As I type that paragraph, I realize how grateful I am to be sober. I have done everything wrong in sobriety that you can do. The only thing I think I have done right is I never stopped going to meetings. And I think as long as you go to meetings, you will be prodded into taking the other action necessary to stay sober. Just my opinion mind you...