Friday Fluff

I made a very short (and silly) video to see how to create a youtube video. I tried to put it here, I may or may not have beeen successful. It probably isn't important that it is here.

I thought it was important to lighten up a little here. I have been pretty serious of late and need to knock it off. This weather is a real challenge for me. January in a good year is a challenge for me, but this year is unusual in that I can't get on my bike or run outdoors.

I tried to run outside yesterday. It was 10 degrees, which is ridiculous. The sidewalks are still impassible. I thought I was on a good one, and then it ended. I ended up running on the road, which on a residential street at 6:30 a.m., should not be a problem. However, I nearly got hit by a bus! I had to dive into a bank of snow to avoid being hit. It was quite unpleasant. I guess I won't try that again any time soon. I will try to find another place to run this weekend. Today is my rest day.

Thanks for listening.

"The joy of living is the theme of AA's Twelfth Step, and action is its key word. Her we turn outward toward our fellow alcoholics who are still in distress. Here we experience the kind of giving that asks no rewards. Here we begin to practice all Twelve Steps of the program in our daily lives so that we and those about us may find emotional sobriety. When the Twelfth Step is seen in its full implication, it is really talking about the kind of love thta has no price tag on it." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 106

Lessons/confessions

I have really been struggling with something lately. I have written about it a teeny bit, but not much. Yesterday I had a bit of an awakening, so I am going to write about it.

I have been going to a 5:30 meeting for several months. I had never been to it prior to August of this year. It used to be a smoking meeting and I didn't go to smoking meetings. I love this group. There are so many new people there. There are a lot of women there. There are some oldtimers there too. However, as I have sat there night after night for months, I have noticed something. The people with more than 20 years of sobriety give speeches every night. They have canned spiels that they give every single day. They have tag lines that they throw in the beginning of their share and at the end of their shares. This stuff seems to have a lot of appeal to people newer in sobriety because I think it sounds good. They talk about what happened 20 years ago, but not what is happening today.

OK, that is enough of me taking their inventory. That is their business. MY problem is that I have begun to have doubts about what I am doing. I share honestly, from my heart, about what is going on today, and it doesn't always look so good. I am going through challenges right now, as you all know, with my son in Iraq, my daughter on meth, my grandchildren in flux, my son-in-law in rehab, my finances beginning to buckle under the strain of trying to do what I can for my grandchildren, etc. I talk about this stuff. I am not sober FOR YOU. I am sober for me. I must help other drunks if I expect to stay sober, but I am clear on the fact that we are all only sober 24 hours at a time. I cannot stay sober today on yesterday's sobriety, and I have not graduated to some higher level of "recovery" where all I do is tell you what to do. I am here to stay sober. Me, Mary Christine, the terrible, terrible drunk. Sober (for 22 and a half years) only by the Grace of a loving God. Not by all of my tremendous "work".

So, of late, I have decided to shut my mouth in meetings. And I sit there and feel like I don't belong. And that I haven't got a clue because I haven't got a canned speech, etc. This is all self-centered bullshit. This is my EGO at its finest.

Last night, as I was slinking out of the meeting, feeling like I have lost my way - honestly - I am that dramatic... a newer woman came over to me and said this. "I am always so happy to see you here because I know I am going to hear you laugh. I love to hear your laugh, it makes me laugh no matter now bad I am feeling. I love it when you share in the meeting because you are always so honest..." After I expressed my gratitude to this woman, another woman came over and told me basically the same thing. They told me they are so grateful that I started coming to that meeting and that I am an "integral part of the group." And then I realized that I just need to be willing to share what ever gifts God has given me. It is not up to me to judge them. And it certainly isn't up to me to decide that I have nothing to offer because I haven't graduated to Sobriety Sainthood.

That's it. I feel better. Thanks for listening, and caring. I really appreciate you bloggers too. I wish my ego wasn't out to get me, but it is. It is what tells me that I am separate from you and that I am not good enough, or that I am too good, but that I am not a part of, I am apart from.

"In my view, we of this world are pupils in a great school of life. It is intended that we try to grow, and that we try to help our fellow travelers to grow in the kind of love that makes no demands. In short, we try to move toward the image and likeness of God as we understand Him." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 306

12 degrees = heat wave!

Oh boy! It is in the double digits temperature wise and it isn't even 5:00 a.m. yet. Maybe we are coming out of the cold spell. Unfortunately, it is heading east. So to all of you, particularly southerners, who are dealing with cold you are not used to, take care and keep warm!

I have a presentation to give at 9:30 this morning. I have to get to the gym and get a few miles in before that. I don't have the presentation 100% written - I had to leave work yesterday at 5:30 because a sponsee was coming over. So although I am glad I met with her, I wish I could have stayed at work longer to get the presentation done. Oh well. These quarterly presentations are always a challenge. I better get going here...

"It is when we try to make our will conform with God's that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the mis-use of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of AA's Twelve Steps, and Step Three opens the door." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 40

Tuesday Morning

I actually slept until 6:30 this morning, so no running for me this morning. I ran 6.2 miles yesterday morning. I am going to buy a book on marathon training so I can get a clue about how to train for the half-marathon in May.

Yesterday I made a new blog, and of course, it was in NEW blogger. It was meant to be a blog about my marathon training. I actually liked new blogger, it was easier to navigate than old blogger. It is easy to do links, and easy to change colors. HOWEVER, unfortunately, I used my "google" account and now I cannot access that blog, because when I use my google account, which you must do to access new blogger, I get THIS blog. I have no clue how to get back to my new blog. I guess I just need to start a new google account and start over with that blog. I didn't want for it to be anonymous, so it wasn't linked this blog in any way.

It got up to 20 degrees yesterday and I felt like going outside and playing without a coat or hat! It is 7 degrees now and I actually woke up this morning and thought "it isn't so cold this morning." It is a challenge to keep a good attitude through a month of consistent bad weather.

I am boring. I had a three day weekend and didn't do anything I had planned to do - like paint my office and bathroom. I also intended to start a baby quilt to donate to my church. I did none of that. I did have a nice, albeit very quiet and restful, weekend.

(I just did spell check on this thing and it doesn't recognize "google" or "blogger" - how bizarro!)

"I see 'humility for today' as a safe and secure stance midway between violent emotional extremes. It is a quiet place where I can keep enough perspective and enough balance to take my next small step up the clearly marked road that points toward eternal values." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 199

Late Entry

I am about to plant my butt on the sofa for a few hours of football... followed by a meeting... followed by coming home, eating dinner, and going to bed. Woo Hoo! Such excitement!

This morning I got up and looked out the window and decided to forget about driving across town to the meeting I like to go to on Sunday Mornings. It was snowing with temperatures in the single digits. I decided to go back to bed. Since I woke up, I have been indulging in bizarre activities, like spontaneously cleaning a closet that has needed to be cleaned for 5 years! What the hell is up with that? I have another day off work tomorrow, maybe I feel the pressure is off me to pack a weekend worth into two days, I can do it in three instead. Who knows?

Last night while I was at church, my friend left me a message and told me she was going to the 5:30 meetings. This friend has been sober 15 years and attends one meeting, and only that meeting, so when she said she was going to a different meeting, I was concerned. So, after church I got the message and flew the 5 or so miles to the club to see if I could find her. I did and we went out for dinner. It was great. We went to a Thai restaurant. Her date of birth is the day after mine, so it is great fun to talk with someone who is exactly my age. We can also reminisce about people from that group who no longer come around, or have passed. Oh, and there was nothing wrong with her, she just felt like going to a meeting and she knew I usually go to that one.

My head hurts today and I feel cooped up, but I will be OK. I am so sick of this weather, and believe me, I am not the only one.

If you have a second, go over and visit Lounge Daddy, he is a blogger working on getting sober!

"We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink, as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm this." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 22-23

Looking forward...

Yesterday I registered for a half-marathon! My daughter registered too. It is on May 20. I am so excited about this! It is the Colorado Colfax Marathon. Colfax Avenue is a very exciting street that goes through three cities, Aurora, Denver, and Lakewood. This site has a very cool high-speed video of driving the length of Colfax. The full marathon goes all 26 miles of Colfax Avenue, the half-marathon starts at City Park and goes 13.1 miles to Colorado Mills (on Colfax, of course).

Last night I attended a wonderful meeting where a new lady asked what is the difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic. It was wonderful because people shared so much of their own stories. I know that newer people like to hear about recovery, because that is what we are doing in AA - but I love to hear about the drinking, because that is WHY we are in AA. I feel like I know the folks in that group a little bit better because of some of the stories I heard last night.

I am heading out of here, in sub-zero temperatures, to go to a 6:30 a.m. meeting, and then to the gym to run. I am so grateful for a warm and comfortable home, a warm and comfortable car, a warm and comfortable gym, and a warm and comfortable AA room.

"We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women, desperately in need, will see these pages, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that they will be persuaded to say, 'Yes, I am one of them too; I must have this thing.'" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 29

Frigid Friday

See that "2" in the upper left side? That is for 2 degrees Fahrenheit - which is the temperature outside. See the cute weather station? That was a birthday present from my kids. I love that thing! I ran every day this week, so I can take a day off today without suffering any ill effects. I knew it was going to get cold and snow, so I planned accordingly!

I will see if I can maintain a positive attitude through this cold and snow. I am grateful it is Friday. I am grateful that, if things go as planned, I will have worked a full week this week for the first time since the middle of December. I am grateful that I have all sorts of winter weather clothing and gear to keep me safe and comfortable. I am grateful for heated leather seats in my car! I am grateful I have a wonderful 5:30 meeting to attend tonight. Maybe I will be just a few minutes late? I did that last night, and I am sure it was a little bit of passive aggression towards their new crappy format. If I am not there, I won't hear it, right?

"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion tht we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 30

Late Presents

This week I received two Christmas gifts that were delayed due to the snow. My sponsor and her husband sent the book "Emotional Sobriety", and my sister sent the pajamas (FedEx overnighted on December 20 - I got them on January 8). -- I can no longer post a picture to HNT due to it having moved to New Blogger this week.

Yesterday after I wrote about my 5:30 group's format, I thought about it some more. For some reason, I keep seeing the face of a guy who just can't seem to get sober. I just love that guy. I have written about him, with no name, several times in this blog. He has a few days of sobriety now. Anyway, if I were to leave the group, I would no longer see Mike, and not only do I like Mike and like to see him, but his face lights up when he sees me - so why destroy a fragile little tie like that just because of a stupid format. I hope some day to see that guy get sober and stay sober. He is a young guy, probably younger than my kids. But a terrible, terrible drunk.

I am going to try to run outside in my neighborhood this morning for the first time in weeks. It has been warm for the last several days so some of the snow has melted, hopefully I can run on the street. It is supposed to get very cold tonight and then snow tomorrow.

"The person I used to be is always waiting around the corner. If I close my eyes, I can see him. He's wearing a black leather jacket, smoking a butt, leaning with his back against a building and one knee bent. He's waiting for me to split a six-pack and join him in cussing and complaining and cutting down everything from his ex-boss and the Army to the church, academia, the government - and AA. But when I close my lips to vicious talk, the old me gets tired of waiting around for someone to commiserate with him. When I say only positive things, the old me disappears. He flips his cigarette into the gutter, turns up the collar of his jacket, and walks away. He just doesn't want to hear it." -- Emotional Sobriety - the Next Frontier, p. 18

Whatcha think?

The 5:30 meeting I recently started attending just changed their format. There was already something they say at the beginning of each meeting that irks me, but I could live with it. But now, I am going to be forced to attend a group conscience! Damn!

Okay, here is what it said before that irks me, but I can live with: paraphrased to the best of my memory: "It is this group's belief that those who count their sobriety in months rather than years often have the best topics..."

Now, here is what they have added: paraphrased of course. "In order that our members may feel safe to share, please do not criticize, offer advice, or comment on what another person has shared."

In their purest sense, I agree with both of those sentiments. However, I think that stating all these conditions at the beginning of a meeting we put a wet blanket on any kind of spontaneity or even genuineness. And I also have to say that it is my experience that some of my greatest teachers have been absolute bastards! Nobody told those old crusty guys that they had to be careful not to hurt my feelings.

I got sober in meetings where those old guys had knives and guns and would be more than happy to tell you to "shut the fuck up, you don't know what you are talking about." I cannot tell you how many of the recipients of this rude behavior are still sober today and still talking about those guys - with love.

Personally, I try to be kind to the newcomer, but I think there is a place for people to tell them to pull their heads out of their asses. Oh well. All groups go through this stuff. It is just important to keep coming back and not to get too upset by it all.

"'Middleton Group #1. Rule #62.' Once the card was unfolded, a single pungent sentence leaped to the eye: ' Don't take yourself too damn seriously.'" -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 149

Hurry, hurry, hurry

OK, I must be back to a semblance of normalcy. I am sitting here at my computer, I just got back from the gym, I am dripping sweat, and I am supposed to be at work in 20 minutes. I think I might just be late for work! Now, THAT does make me feel bad, but I am so grateful to be back doing the things I do. This is the first time I have successfully completed a run on the treadmill since my injury on Dec. 20. Woo Hoo! Oh, and I was on the local news - they film from there every other Tuesday morning, and I usually position myself far, far from the cameras, however this morning they moved to the pool area, and I was just behind the two women on camera. Hopefully no one saw me.

We are supposed to have another foot or so of snow on Thursday and Friday. I hope they are wrong. They were certainly wrong last week when they predicted 2 to 4 inches and we got 12 inches. But for today, it is semi-warm, the wind is not blowing, it is not snowing - and life seems good. But I better get myself to work!

"I try hard to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 37

Now Wind

This is unbelievable. Now there is very very strong wind (100 miles per hour). Some of the highways in town have been closed because of ground blizzard conditions. Our next snow isn't due until Thursday.

I keep remembering a man named Stoney. He used to come to meetings and say "it snowed on MY CAR last night!" We forget that we are not alone. It is easy to forget that we are not alone particularly when we are sitting in our houses alone - cut off from the world due to bizarre weather phenomena. But today I will go to work and hope to catch up on some work - my desk is a nightmare after all the work I have missed.

Last night I heard what might have been the saddest thing I have ever heard in an AA meeting. A woman came in, late and wearing sun glasses (at night). I never saw her before, but I just assumed she was new or drunk. At the end of the meeting, she shared. She is here from another state, she got sober in July, got her 6 month chip and started drinking again. After she talked for about 5 minutes, she started crying and said she is here because her 21 year old son killed himself. The last time she talked to him, she told him she was drinking again and he was so upset. That was the last time she will ever speak to her son. Ever. Oh God.

This disease destroys everything in it's path. Everything. I don't know why some of us get sober and some of us don't, but I do know that I thank God every day that I get to be sober. It is an unimaginable blessing.

"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 30

Sunday Morning

Night Watch was spectacular last night! About 30 people came to my little house. Many of them car-pooled, so there were no serious parking problems. It was so cute to see 4 and 5 alkies pouring out of cars and trucks. It was also incredible to me that my neighbors on both sides got out and shoveled the crap in the street in front of their houses, which meant we had three houses worth of street parking. Believe me, that was so far above and beyond anything a person would reasonably do! And they really did it for me. Who ever heard of such a thing? No wonder I really, in my heart of hearts, love living here.

It is such a treat to look at your own living room and dining room and see your AA group sitting around. Many of them were sitting on the floor. There was a time when I couldn't even get from my kitchen to my dining room for all the people on the floor! We had great food, great fellowship, and several great phone calls.

After they all left, my former b.f. sat with me while I finished up the phone shift which ended at 11:00. At 10:45, I got two real-live twelve step calls right at the same time. Two different drunk women who sort of wanted to get sober. I talked with both of them for a while and got them situated. By the time I got off the phone, Mr. former sweetie-man was putting on his coat and getting ready to leave - it was very late. I apologized to him for spending so much time on the phone, but I had to be responsible which he understood (and frankly, it doesn't matter if he does or not!) But he said something that has re-played over and over in my mind... he said that listening to me on the phone with those women made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Yikes. He said it was meant in a good way, that just listening to that was so powerful. I had felt I was doing a really crappy job of talking to drunk people (because I find I have less and less patience for it as the years go by.)

I am thinking of the 5th step promises as I write this because that is how I feel today....

"We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 75

Better now...

After moving this snow. Every single flake of it. Man, my arms hurt. But I am feeling cheerful again. The sun is shining, the snow is melting. I have a ham in the oven, I have an apple pie on the counter, I am soon to start the pilaf, my house smells like heaven, I am awaiting the arrival of good AA friends and we will answer the after hours phone for the area central office tonight. What could be better?

More #@*& Snow

It snowed all day yesterday. I might be exaggerating when I say we got an additional foot of snow, but if I am, it is only an exaggeration of an inch or two. I shoveled at least 8 inches when I left for work yesterday. The roads were so bad I called work to see who was there and what was going on and ended up crying inconsolably and was kindly told to go back home and take care of myself.

I prayed to God and cried. I called my sponsor and cried. I called a friend (who I thought probably could use a call, I was trying to be helpful) and cried. I called another friend and cried. I called my neighbor and cried. Thank God for God, my sponsor, my friends, and my neighbors. They all listened kindly - they all know how freakishly unusual this behavior is for me. I swear I cannot shovel one more flake of snow. My body hurts so bad. The whole thing. My sponsor suggested I sign up for tanning - I already did that on New Year's Eve - but couldn't get there yesterday.

Before this turns into a total whine-fest, let me just say: I have said several times in this blog that I am "high-maintenance," not meaning that I need to be pampered, but that I need exercise, sunshine, good food, etc. I feel that my life has been turned upside down since the middle of December when I got sick, then snow, then I fell, then more snow, then more snow, then more snow, then more snow, then more snow. I am finally facing the emotional fallout from all of this.

I will be OK, I know that. I so look forward to having my life back. I want to RUN on dry pavement! I want some sunshine! I want to take a bike ride! But for today, I am heading out of here for a 6:30 a.m. meeting. Then I will hurry home to prepare for nightwatch tonight. I bought food that can all be frozen in case no one is able to come. There is virtually NO WHERE for anyone to park their cars. But as my sponsor said, we alcoholics are very ingenious people. We shall see how this all works out. Exactly as it should be, I am sure.

"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 49

Snowy Friday Morning

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for my run, I saw the above film, as recorded by a traffic helicopter, on TV and ran outside to see if I could see it. In the sky above me was this incredible, huge, display of lights. It was really amazing. Initially they thought it was a meteor, but later discovered that it was a Russian Rocket. Yikes! It was really a beautiful thing to see.

I finally got the snow on the street in front of my house shoveled last night. And now we have another winter storm in process. I need to just accept that this is what is happening and it does not matter one iota whether I like it, so I might as well not go mental over it. I will get back out with my snow shovel and try to just smile through it. I cannot wait to see grass or even dirt again.

"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselvees, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this eselfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62

46 degrees at 5:28 a.m.

This is my banana, coffee, and motrin. I had them all moments ago. I expect to feel good enough to run in about a half hour. It is 46 degrees outside, which will be wonderful. A neighbor told me about a place to run where the paths are plowed and dry. I am going to go there this morning. For some reason, running on the treadmill is almost impossible with my tailbone injury. I ran 3 painful miles yesterday and then was in pain all day. Amazingly, I ran 10 miles on Monday, on a snow-packed trail, and had no residual pain at all.

Thank you for all of your suggestions yesterday about the food for night watch. I think I decided to purchase a spiral cut ham. I can't think of anyone in my group who is Jewish or Muslim, so it ought to be OK. There will be plenty of other food anyway. As I thought about chili and pasta and soup, I imagined people sitting on my sofa eating it, and I think it would be nearly impossible. There will be only a few places to sit at a table and eat, so I think sandwiches will be good.

About the parking: I shoveled some last night, but still don't even have one parking place carved out in front of my house. It is supposed to get into the 50s today, and then SNOW. Yep, more snow. But we are only supposed to get 2 to 4 inches, which sounds like nothing at this point. I will trust God that it will work out exactly the way it is supposed to.

"We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: 'God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that vicotry over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

New Routine

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead... but first, let us eat a banana and 600 miligrams of ibuprofin. I am sitting here now, waiting for the ibuprofin to kick in so that I can go to the gym and get a few miles in. When I wake, it is hard to believe that I am even going to be able to walk today, let alone run, but then the ibuprofin kicks in and I am able to act like a fairly normal human being for most of the day. I am sure this tailbone injury WILL heal, but I have heard it takes a lot of time. Thank God we live in an age of wonderful anti-inflamatory medications.

I am now getting busy trying to get ready for Night Watch here on Saturday night. It will be great fun to have folks over and answer the phones for the area Central Office - but I volunteered my house BEFORE the snow eliminated all the parking from my street. I am hoping that the warm temperatures this week will melt some of the snow, I will shovel some of it, and we should have some street parking. My neighbor volunteered her driveway - that is 2 parking places. My driveway is 2. Oh Lord, I need help. And I don't even know what I am serving yet. It is a potluck, so everyone brings something, but I need to provide the spine, if you will, of the meal. Does anyone have any great food ideas for having a very casual dinner for anywhere from 10 to 40 people? I very seldom entertain because I get so freaked out about everything. I did Nighwatch for this group exactly 11 years ago, and I made such a big deal out of it, it was very unpleasant for me. Now I am probably taking it a little bit too lightly.

Once again, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my life. Being sick, injured, and snowed-in in December really gave me time to reflect on my many blessings. (and I think I can go run now because I am feeling much better!)

"It is when we try to make our will conform with God's that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 40

Tuesday Morning

I am feeling oh-so-much-better today. Yesterday after the 6:30 a.m. meeting, I went to Clement Park (sound familiar? think Columbine), strapped on my yaktrax, and started to run. I ended up running
TEN MILES!!!!
I didn't intend to do that, I just felt good and kept going. It was amazingly wonderful. And the thing that tells me that I am meant to be a long distance runner is that the tenth mile felt infinitely better than the first one. This morning my heart is full of hope that I will achieve my goals this year. If I can run 10 miles on January 1, barring injuries (Please, Dear Lord), I can think of no reason why I can't run a half-marathon in October - or even the one in May.

Getting sick and injured in December gave me a new appreciation for my life. I often focus on what I don't have - particularly a romantic relationship - and fail to notice what is great about my life. There is a lot that is very great about my life. I am so blessed with long-term sobriety, great AA groups, good friends, a wonderful family who love me, and good physical health. I am amazed that at the age of 55, I am considering running a half-marathon, and I actually think I can do it!

Yesterday at the meeting, I sat next to my friend Mike, who had a #27 Broncos jersey on. I thought it was somewhat odd since their season had untimely ended the day before. But then he told me it was the jersey of Darrent Williams, and he had been killed early that morning. How sad to be 24 years old, have the world by the whatever, and then end up dead. I pray for his family.

"Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 173

A New Year

I love waking on January 1 and knowing that it is an entirely blank slate. I am grateful for last year even though it was challenging. I am looking forward to another sober year - one day at a time.

Yesterday my friend Lisa and I decided that we are going to try to do
2 Triathlons
1 Half-Marathon

If my tailbone doesn't heal, this will not be possible, but I am hopeful. The first Tri is in July, the second is in August, and the Half-Marathon is in October.

So, here it is, almost 6:00 a.m. on January 1, and I have not been angry at anyone this year, I have not said anything I regret, I am full of love for my fellow man and my heart is full of hope for the day. Of course, I have not yet seen anyone today - but I hope that these attitudes will stay with me, even when faced with real life. And these are my real goals for 2007.

"When I was driven to my knees by alcohol, I was made ready to ask for the gift of faith. And all was changed. Never again, my pains and problems notwithstanding, would I experience my former desolation. I saw the universe to be lighted by God's love; I was alone no more." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 51

My friend Merle

Died last night. I went to the meeting this morning to see who I would see and they were all crying. What a wonderful meeting though. There was so much sadness, but what a tribute to a life well-lived. A sober life. He touched a lot of people in his many years of sobriety. I think he was sober 30 + years, but I am not absolutely certain. I do know he had a lot more time than I do.

He had just come home from a trip to the east coast with his girlfriend - another long term member of AA. He went to the bathroom at the airport and simply died there. She was at the meeting this morning and is surrounded by the fellowship. We went to breakfast and filled up an entire section of the restaurant... and sat there all morning.

I am sad but full of hope. A sober life is a good life. We touch so many people as long as we are active in AA. It is a wonderful thing. I am so grateful I got to that meeting this morning.

I decided to post this today because I just need to write about this now.

"In this Fellowship we begin to learn right relations with people who understand us; we don't have to be alone any more." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 117 (as quoted in As Bill Sees It)

Day for an Annual Tenth Step?

This is a picture from the park where I took a very slow 3 mile run yesterday. It was such a beautiful day - the sun came out and melted a little bit of snow. It was so good to see the sun again.

Today I will do some reflection on where I have been in 2006. Both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It has been a good year, although a bit challenging. I feel very grateful to be in a very different place spiritually than I was a year ago. I still have a long way to go, but with the grace and help of a loving God, I am sure I will get exactly where I am supposed to be.

I think it is probably telling that the only goal for 2007 that immediately comes to mind is that I want to run a half-marathon. This latest injury is going to have to heal before that happens. I will spend some time today considering what else I would like to strive towards.

Thank you sober bloggers. You have added immensely to my sobriety. I am grateful for each and every one of you. And now I shall head out to the 7:30 a.m. meeting across town, and see who I run into there! It is always fun.

"Must AAs spend most of their waking hours drearily rehashing their sins of omission or commission? Well, hardly. The emphasis on inventory is heavy only because a great many of us have never really acquired the habit of accurate self-appraisal. Once this healthy practice has become grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 89

Plowing out

Two plows came through my little neighborhood last night at about 8:00. We all emerged from our garages with shovels in hand, happy to shovel out the five foot bank of snow and ice from the ends of our driveways. It was a lot harder than we thought it would be. But I am so so so excited to be heading out of here to a meeting this morning.

I am going to an AA meeting!!!! I am so freaking excited!!! I will see a bunch of people I love and hear about how they have weathered the storm. I talked to a few of them on the phone yesterday, but that just doesn't take the place of a real AA meeting.

Have a happy Saturday everyone.

"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- AA Comes of Age, p. 46

YakTrax

This may be the best $30. I have spent in years. These things strap on the bottoms of your shoes and are like tire chains for your feet. Yesterday I was able to walk around on snow and ice - just like it was dry pavement! Thank God! I purchased them yesterday when the snow started falling and I got the last pair in the store.

This is a picture I took through my window last night. The amount of snow we have is just ridiculous. I could post picture after picture, but frankly, they get a little boring after a while. It is not supposed to stop snowing until Sunday. I don't have to work, by decree of the Governor, again today.

I am so grateful that I have a nice warm house to stay in. I was able to get enough food to get me through. I might run out of milk, but for a middle-aged woman who lives alone, that is not exactly a tragedy. I have wonderful neighbors and we really help each other. I spent 3 hours shoveling snow last night - and I am waiting for the Motrin to kick in now before I get back out there and shovel what has fallen over night. Last night when I wasn't shoveling, I was on the phone. My phone kept ringing and ringing. I love that! Well, I should clarify - I love it when it is friends and family (and former boyfriends) calling.

This is a storm unlike anything I have ever seen. And please keep in mind that I have lived in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Chicago, and the last 25 years in Colorado. Not exactly the sunbelt! I don't expect to get my car out of here for days. Thank GOD I can walk with my little YakTrax strapped to my boots! If I go completely stir crazy, I can walk around the neighborhood or to the nearby gas station (if they are open.)

"Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God's sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in God's scheme of things -- these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstances, no heap of material possessions, could possible be substitutes. True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124- 125

God grant me the serenity...

to accept the snow I cannot change.
Blogger is retarded today, so I am not even going to post the picture I have for today. We are expecting 2 more snowstorms in the next 2 days here in lovely Denver. We still have streets that are virtually impassable from the last storm - including the one on which I live.

Last night I went to the grocery store to get some much needed food in my house. I got one of the last cartons of eggs, there were a couple of gallons of milk, but no half gallons, no potatoes, they had none of my brand of soda, and the whole place was mobbed. And as I write this, the reporter on the television playing in the background is telling folks to get to the grocery store to lay in supplies to get through the weekend. This could get ugly. It got real ugly before Christmas when there was no meat, no vegetables, etc. on the shelves anywhere in town. I managed to find a grocery store at 5:00 a.m. on Saturday that still had meat. Looking at empty shelves reminded me of how spoiled we are here in the good old US of A. We don't even understand not being able to get what we want when we want it.

I am heading in to work now. I am packing a bag in case I get stuck there. I really plan on beating it the hell out of there if it starts to look threatening though.

I have a party to attend tonight. My friend Robert has enough food for 60 people, and if it snows like it is supposed to, it is likely that very few will even come to his party. I feel so bad for him, because when Robert throws a party, he doesn't kid around.

"When I am feeling depressed, I repeat to myself statements such as these: 'Pain is the touchstone of progress.' ... 'Fear no evil.'... 'This, too, will pass.' ... 'This experience can be turned to benefit.' These fragments of prayer bring far more than mere comfort. They keep me on the track of right acceptance; they break up my compulsive themes of guilt, depression, rebellion, and pride; and sometimes they endow me withthe courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 148

Confessions

My favorite President died yesterday. I loved him because he never aspired to be President of the United States. It was a strange fluke of history that landed him in that office, and I think his humility was something to indeed aspire to. And that is as close as I will ever get to spouting politics on this blog.

Last Wednesday, a week ago today, on December 20, while shoveling snow, I fell in my driveway. I fell directly on my butt (and as my former boyfriend said when I told him this "That is a small target"). Which is not good because it feels like I fell directly onto my tailbone. I have been assured by folks who HAVE broken their tailbone that mine is not broken - but it hurts like hell. Yesterday someone laughed at me when I said I was worried I broke my tailbone because it hurt when I ran 3 miles on Monday and 2 miles yesterday. And, for the record, I think it was the Pride of posting the picture of my puffed up bosom and three triathlon medals on December 14 that came before this Fall.

I am madly trying to get all my CEs (continuing education) for one of my professional credentials that is due for renewal on 12/31/06. Thank God for the electronic age - I can do all this online. It is just ungodly expensive and time consuming. I am also grateful that I have time to do it this week. But I wonder why on earth I wait until the last week to do most of it when I had two years to get it done.

Lately I feel like I just need to shut my mouth in meetings - I look at others with over 20 years of sobriety and they have their little rehearsed speeches - and never share anything about themselves. Maybe I should do that? I know it is wrong, but it would be nice to "look good" for a while. Wouldn't it be nice to just focus on YOU and what YOU should be doing - and fail to mention the log in my own eye? I won't do this, but I have just been thinking about it lately and since I am confessing...

This blog had its 15,000th visitor last night. It is someone from Chicago, and I don't know who they are or how they got here. I spend WAY too much time looking at my site meter. I think it is infinitely interesting.

I love you sober bloggers. I love you sober readers. Willa is a sober reader who has over 300 days now. I wish she would get a blog so that I could visit it! She makes my day every time she leaves a comment and lets me know how many days she has.

This is a wonderful program of hours and days. I thank God for each and every one of them, and every one of you!

"I don't think happiness or unhappiness is the point. How do we meet the problems we face? How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would receive the knowledge?" -- As Bill Sees It, p. 306

Boxing Day

I am super happy to be heading back to the gym this morning, then back to work. I hope to have a salad for lunch. I hope to get back to some austerity. I have had it with the wretched excess that Christmas ends up being - if you socialize at all.... which, thank God, I do today.

I took the picture above at the park where I "ran" yesterday. I put the "run" in "quotes" because you can see what I was "running" on, it was hazardous! I went 10 days without running and yesterday afternoon, I just couldn't take it anymore. I went to the park and managed to log 3 very slow miles. While trying to get around someone on the trail, we both looked up and realized we knew each other! I ran into an AA friend on the trail! We talked for a minute, and when I walked away I thought about our conversation and realized he is drinking. That is so sad because he is such a neat young man. I talked to his sponsor last night and he confirmed that this wonderful young man IS drinking again. I will pray that he finds his way back to the rooms.

I had a very nice Christmas. It is wonderful to have small children around on Christmas. It is wonderful to have a church to go to on Christmas. It is wonderful to be able to hit a 6:30 a.m. meeting on Christmas Eve, and Christmas Morning - and a 5:30 p.m. meeting on Christmas Day. It is wonderful to have the phone ring so many times, because there are people who care enough to call me.

Well, I am heading out of here now to the gym... I will enjoy it now because I have to avoid that place for the first 6 weeks of the year - with all the "resolutioners". I always wish them the best and I am glad they are there, but they sure do crowd up the place and then they vanish after the middle of February.

"We did not always come closer to wisdom by reason of our virtues; our better understanding is often rooted in the pains of our former follies. Because this has been the essence of our individual experience, itis also the essence of our experience as a fellowship." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 31

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Everybody. I am enjoying a day full of family - thank God. My daughter called yesterday and asked if she and the little one could spend the night with me. It was nice to hide the presents and see the lights of the Christmas tree reflected in the eyes of a three year old. The rest of the family will be over at about noon. Madeline was asking me, person by person, is Auntie coming? yes. Is Sister coming? yes. Will mama be here? yes. I nearly cried when she asked if Uncle is coming. No, he is far away in a war. But he did call yesterday and he sounds good.

Yesterday the phone rang so many times. So many people in AA were calling, just to check in, just to say hello, just to talk. It was really heart-warming. The old b.f. called too and that was nice.

God Bless all my sober blogging buddies. I hope you all have just the kind of Christmas you want - even if it is that you don't want one at all.

"When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that: I am responsible." -- Declaration of the 30th Anniversary International Convention, 1965

Out a here...

It is approximately 5 a.m., and I am heading out the door to the grocery store. I hope to purchase my a nice roast for our roast beef and yorkshire pudding dinner tomorrow.

It is wacked to be in the Denver area right now in the aftermath of that massive blizzard. Last night at the 5:30 meeting there were so many stories of people who hadn't been to a meeting for a week (like me) and who had lost their peace of mind on the roads yesterday (like me) and who didn't have their Christmas shopping done (like me), but were grateful to be sitting in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous (like me.) I could detail the fiascos of yesterday, but what is the point?

So I am heading to the grocery store now, hopefully before the herds show up, and then I am heading to a 6:30 meeting. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous.

"This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62

Getting on with life, I hope..

I hope to get out of here today. I hope to get to work. I would like to kiss my desk when I get there. I hope to get to an AA meeting tonight. I have not driven my car since Monday morning. I have not worked since last Thursday. I have not run since last Friday. I have not been to an AA meeting since Saturday.

All of this time away from everything has given me some perspective on my life. I really like my life. I really like my job, I really like my AA meetings, I really love running and I am so grateful that I am able to do all of this. Running may still have to wait a day or two because I am still not 100% physically.

When I told my story last week, my new friend Gemma was there, and we talked on Sunday. She had no idea the kind of wreckage I had come from. She was so amazed that I was able to go from total destitution and homelessness (at 9 years of sobriety) to getting an entry level job, starting college at 43, and having a masters degree by the time I was 50. I now have a management job, a nice home, etc. Of course, she said what so many say to me - "you don't give yourself enough credit." It is all wonderful, and I am so grateful that I was able to do that. But no matter what, the most important thing today is that I am sober, and have a relationship with God.

I am grateful, grateful, grateful.

"Today there is absolutely nothing in the world more important to me than keeping this alcoholic sober; not taking a drink is by far the most important thing I do each day." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 415

Digging out

I shoveled last night - and still there was an additional 18 inches that fell over night.
My neighbor, God bless her, came over and helped me dig out.
Look at my trash cans - buried under feet of snow.
I never saw such a pile of snow!
Finally got it done.
Front Porch now.

So much snow.

It's almost spooky out there. It is totally silent and everything is shrouded with several feet of snow. I got an e-mail from the Governor asking me not to go to work. Well, I guess I can comply with a request like that! It has been a week since I have been to work now, and I am really anxious to get back though. Really.

I almost finished the last pair of socks for Christmas presents (see HNT) but ran out of yarn. It will be days before I will be able to get more yarn. I have not run for 6 days now. I don't even know if I will be able to get out of here tomorrow. Thank God I did that little bit of Christmas shopping on Tuesday night, because the little ones have their pressies under the tree, and that is the important thing.

I have not been to a meeting since Saturday and I really would dearly love to go to a meeting. I have been on the phone a lot with my AA friends. We are all homebound. When I was new in AA, I would spend hours each day on the phone with my AA buddies. I think about ten years ago this really changed when I got my first computer and internet access. Suddenly we were e-mailing. I think I prefer the phone or face to face. Maybe it is just because that is how it was when I was new. I don't know.

I am so grateful to have a warm home, plenty of food, all that I need. Especially that I have friends and family who care about me and my welfare. I am grateful to be part of this wonderful sober blogging community, thank you all.

"The lone member at sea, the AA at war in a far land - all these members know that they belong to AA's world-wide community, that theirs is only a physical separation, that their fellows may be as near as the next port of call. Every so importantly, they are certain that God's grace is just as much with them on the high seas or the lonely outpost as it is with them at home." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 9

@ noon...

My little street, and a couple of neighbors shoveling snow.

This poor little tree - so overburdened with snow. (I knocked it off, after I took the picture.)

Thank God for the telephone and my friends in Alcoholics Anonymous.

My bedroom window... at about 2:30 p.m.

The "view".

at 5:00 p.m.

It's nice and cozy inside...

Blizzard! and oh, and I think I am going to live...

View from the front porch this morning. The snow is really coming down. It is technically a blizzard since the wind is blowing. We are supposed to get up to 20 inches of snow today. As you can see, there are a couple of inches now, but it is blowing around, so there are the beginnings of drifts around. Expect more pictures...

I am still not well. I am still not going to work today because I would not appreciate me coming to work if I were someone else. I am totally socially unacceptable with dripping snot and sickeningly "productive" coughing. But I feel so much better! Yesterday I really thought for a couple of hours that I might have pneumonia and might be dying. Yes, I am an alcoholic, and yes, I have quite the natural flair for drama, but MAN, I was SICK.

Yesterday afternoon my daughter came over and brought me some herbal cold remedy. I talked her into taking me to Target to do some quick Christmas shopping for my granddaughters. In less than an hour, I got enough stuff to put under my tree so it looks like a certain jolly old elf (from the North Pole, or Montana, or wherever) took note of my beautiful Olivia and Madeline.

I am so grateful to be among the living again. I am still sitting in my jammies, I am still sick and disgusting, leaving trails of kleenex, etc., I haven't washed my hair since Saturday, I haven't run since Friday - BUT! I am having a cup of coffee for the first time in days, I am looking forward to being myself again, I have a Christmas tree with gifts for the children underneath, I have friends in AA who have called me to check on me and offered their help, it is a real, honest to goodness blizzard out there, and I don't have to go out in it.

"Regardless of worldy success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening, through the practice of AA's Twelve Steps." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 8

Too Sick

I am only posting because I don't want anyone to worry needlessly about me. I am still sick as sh**.

I have a fever, so I probably don't make sense, but the one thing I have to say is "I miss myself." I want to be the me I see the evidence of all over this place. The me who leaves coffee cups with lipstick on the rims, the me who has running shoes by the bed - with the cutest little socks you ever saw, the me who runs through this place like a tornado - always in a hurry, always running late. This is now my fourth day without running. I wouldn't even consider going outside and walking right now. In fact, I think I might should go to the doctor, but I have not got the strength to do that. I feel BAD.

I am going back to bed. Thanks for all of your well-wishes. You guys and gals are wonderful.

When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p.53

Still Sick

I just woke up. The wheezing was so bad last night, at one point I was wondering how the birds were singing in the middle of the night in the middle of the winter - but it was me. This is my third day without running. I hope it is not many more days, I miss it terribly and will lose fitness.

Last night, instead of going to the meeting and spreading germs, I got on the phone with AA friends. It was remarkable to me that the people who are sober a few years are busy complaining about traffic, prices, other people's behavior - while my friends who have been sober 30 years or so, just wanted to talk about how wonderful life is. I would have to say that I am somewhere in the middle of this equation, but hoping to get closer to the 30 year behavior some day. I guess I can make a conscious effort towards this by just trying to focus on what's good instead of what's bad!

"If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling liabilities. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to twelfth-step ourselves, as well as others, into emotional sobriety." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 288

Sick Sunday Morning

Oh my goodness. It seems like a very very long time since I have been this sick. My brain doesn't even feel engaged. I feel foggy and weird and I want to be myself again! I am not even THINKING of running today, and didn't yesterday either.

I felt pretty sick last night when I was trying to talk, I felt pretty spacey and discombobulated. It was so special that Motorcycle Mike and his lovely wife were there. They are such neat people, I am so glad that I have gotten to meet them through this blog.

I am going to meet my friend Gemma at church this morning and then we are having a pancake breakfast at the church. After that, I shall come home and plant my sick butt on the sofa and watch football. Can the Broncos really lose 5 games in a row after such a stellar start to the season?

"The foundation stone of freedom from fear is that of faith: a faith that, despite all worldly appearances to the contrary, causes me to believe that I live in a universe that makes sense. To me, this means a belief in a Creator who is all power, justice, and love; a God who intends for me a purpose, a meaning, and a destiny to grow, however little and haltingly, toward His own likeness and image. Before the coming of faith I had lived as an alien in a cosmos that too often seemed both hostile and cruel. In it there could be no inner security for me." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 51

Saturday Morning

I am sick. I have bronchitis. I could not get up to get to the meeting this morning. It is after 8 a.m., and I am sitting here in my flannel jammies, drinking some coffee, trying to get ready to get out of here. I still have Christmas shopping to do, to mail a package to New York in time for Christmas - I think I have to do that today!

My birthday was wonderful yesterday. It was good to tell my story - although I found 20 minutes a very short amount of time. (Tonight I will have an hour to tell it.) Even though I was sick, I did go to the lake and run 5.5 miles - that was so important to me. I am glad I did it. I went and got a manicure for a little birthday treat, and came home and made cheesecake for dessert for the family. The family came over and it was great fun. We ordered pizza because I was too sick to do anything else last night. My son was able to call me on my birthday which meant a lot to me. All three of my brothers called and so did my sister. So I heard from really all of my close relatives. The former boyfriend called last night too - I am not sure why he has called me 2X in the last week.

I am so grateful for the life I have today. It may not be perfect, but it is so incredibly wonderful - not for opulence or worldly success or even a studly man by my side - but for peace of mind, and the feeling that I am on the right path. I looked at the people in that room yesterday as I was speaking and was overwhelmed with love for them. I looked over at C., who drove me home from the hospital after my surgery in 1999, and helped me move in 1995, and 1998, at H., who wrapped a little birthday present for me yesterday, at L., who with C. and I tried to climb a 14er back in 1998 - I was the one who couldn't make it past 13,000 feet, but they all headed back down with me because that was the deal. I saw M. who spent a day in my crawl space back in the day, fixing a pipe that had exploded. I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. And this is the group I started attending when I had 10 years of sobriety, so I have always thought of it as recent history. I think I realized yesterday that I have a deep history with this group as well as my old home group.

That is the stuff that makes my life worthwhile.

Thank you Alcoholics Anonymous.

"Still you may say ' But I will not have the benefit of contact with you who write this book.' We cannot be sure. God will determine that, so you must remember that your real reliance is always upon Him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

12/15/1951

Fifty-five years ago today, a little girl was born, the youngest of five children. She was a cute little thing, but she didn't know it. She was a bright little girl, but she didn't know that either. Because of a disease that she didn't even know she had (alcoholism), she suffered from never feeling like she was good enough, never felt that she fit in, never felt she belonged - anywhere.

Thank God I drank enough to get desperate enough to get to Alcoholics Anonymous - where I knew immediately that I belonged. I realized I was good enough for AA, I fit right in, and I had found my home. Through finding my home in AA, I was able to venture out in the world, knowing that those former beliefs were just self-centered nonsense. When that crap tries to start back up, which it does, I just remind myself that it is ego driven bullshit and ask God to help me - which he never fails to do.

This morning, I realize that I have been sober for 40% of my entire life. I intend, with the help of God, to increase that ratio every year until they plant my sober old remains in the ground.

Today I join another age group in many ways. I can get a cheap breakfast at Perkins (which I may do once or twice a decade.) I am 5 years into eligibility for AARP (which I refuse to join.) BUT the important thing is that I am in a different age group for races! I hope that I may actually start placing in races since my belief is that the competition will thin out. We shall see.

This morning, after speaking at an AA meeting at 6:30 a.m., I am going to go to a nearby lake and run 5.5 miles. One mile for each decade of my life. I did the same when I was 30, I ran 3 miles, and I thought it was huge. I am thrilled to be able to do this.

God has so abundantly blessed me. And one of those blessings is you sober bloggers. Thank you so much for what you add to my sobriety - it is considerable.

"We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

Some things...

Of which I am a bit too proud. I don't feel well this morning and I have no creativity at all. Could not think of one single creative / cute/ clever photo idea this morning, so I resorted to showing off.

I did go to the gym this morning and run 3.1 miles. I just can't not run right now even though my chest is on fire and I probably have a bit of a fever - but those freaking cookies yesterday MUST be burned off. Once I started eating sugar again, it was all over. That shit is evil.

Today I am going out for a Thai lunch which will be good. Then I need to leave work early for a Physical Therapy appointment, I will race from there to my 5:30 meeting. And I am off tomorrrow for my 55th birthday. Yikes.

"We have been talking about problems because we are problem people who have found a way up and out, and who wish to share our knowledge of that way with all who can use it. For it is only by accepting and solving our problems that we can begin to get right with ourselves and with the world about us, and with Him who presides over us all." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 125

Slept Late

Wow. I didn't wake up until nearly 6:30 this morning. Which means I am not running today, which is OK since I have run 25 miles in the last week and have run 4 days in a row now. I had planned on taking tomorrow off, but I will let tomorrow tell me whether I will or not. I am taking a day of vacation on Friday so that I can run my 5.5 miles on my 55th birthday. When I agreed to speak at the 6:30 a.m. meeting I forgot about that plan to run - and it is so important to me that I decided to take the whole day off to run and enjoy my birthday.

How well I remember the first year I was sober. It was about this time of the year and I was telling someone that I was going to be 34. And then I thought about that and actually did the subtraction:
1984 - 1951 = 33
I had spent that entire year thinking I was 33 years old when I was only 32. I missed being 32 years old entirely. But I have to say that the second year of being 33 was infinitely better than the first because I was sober!

And I thought when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous that I was "nipping it in the bud," I was so delusional that it never occurred to me that drinking every day for 18 years was well beyond a "little" problem.

"When first challenged to admit defeat, most of us revolted. We had approached AA expectivng to be taught self-confidence. Then we had been told that so far as alcohol is concerned, self-confidence was no good whatever; in fact, it was a total liability." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 22

Dark Morning

It sure is dark out there! I will have to wait nearly an hour before it is light enough to run outside. I don't want to run on a treadmill this morning, I want to be outdoors. I don't know why I write about my running every day, but I do. JJ says I am killing her with all this running. I sure don't want to do that!

I also don't know why I feel compelled to write about Lindsay Lohan. And no, I am not even looking for a cheap way to get some blog hits. She is a beautiful, talented, train-wreck. I think she stands apart from those other shallow young women she has been hanging around with. If she is an alcoholic, which it looks like she is, and she gets to Alcoholics Anonymous, which apparently she has, she might have a hope of a brilliant life. BUT! Someone needs to tell her that she has not got a prayer if she is not anonymous about it. Anonymity is not just about protecting the person from other people knowing of their AA membership - it is about protecting the person from their own ego driven need to promote themselves. Look at ME! ME! ME! I am a member of AA! Listen to ME! Look at ME!

Alcoholics Anonymous is all about letting go of that self-centeredness. It is about becoming just one of the choir of hopeless drunks who have found a solution in AA. We cannot get well until we stop standing apart from and become a part of.

There are many famous people in AA who have kept their anonymity. And then there are those who haven't - we all know who they are - and they generally end up crashing and burning in very public ways. Years ago, I met a man at a meeting I was in awe of as a rock and roll legend. In an AA meeting, he was just an AA member. I talked to him after the meeting, just like I would anyone else. It was the neatest thing to just experience him as a fellow AA member. It is possible for a public figure to be anonymous, and I believe it is the only way they have any hope at all.

It is still dark outside and now it is windy too! I will get out and run anyway. So there!

"Anonymity is real humility at work. It is an all-pervading spiritual quality which today keynotes AA life everywhere. Moved by the spirit of anonymity, we try to give up our natural desires for personal distinction as AA members both among fellow alcoholics and before the general public. As we lay aside these very human aspirations, we believe that each of us takes part in the weaving of a protective mantle which covers our whole Society and under which we may grow and work in unity" -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 187

Monday a.m.

Imagine killing time waiting for the gym to open at 5:00 a.m.! That is just crazy! But it is what I am doing right now. I went to sleep at 9 p.m., so I guess sleeping until 3:30 a.m. is really OK.

I ran 10 kilometers yesterday morning (6.2 miles). I am running probably too much, but I signed up for a couple of challenges on the Nike + iPod thing, and I am so incredibly competitive. I will try to cut back a little this week so that I can run my 5.5 miles on Friday, my 55th birthday, without too much pain.

The man of my summer romance called me last night. We talked for close to 2 hours. It was nice to hear from him, but sad too, to remember the wonderful times we had and how it ended. I do truly like this man. I confronted him about a few things last night and his response was what you frequently get from an alcoholic - "that's just the way I am."

"We had a new employer. He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

12.10.2006

Yesterday all of my plans changed. And that was a good thing. Last week someone posted a comment about me planning my days. It is easy to plan your days when there is no one else involved in them. When you have people in your life, your plans are apt to change, and that is a good thing.

So at the meeting yesterday morning, one of my friends was having a problem, so I asked her if she wanted to have breakfast with me. Yikes. Breakfast out is something I virtually NEVER do. It is my idea of a bad start to a day, but I had a friend in need, so I went. After a while, a bunch of other drunks showed up and we sat and laughed and had a great time. I told them that I didn't feel like putting up my Christmas tree, but felt I had to because of the granddaughters. Well, two of my old friends said they would come over and help me with it.

Last night, three of us decorated my Christmas tree. Oh, it was such fun. I have never done this with someone other than family, so it was so different, but just so much fun. I wanted a picture of all three of us in front of the tree, but I got a picture of two of them, and they took the above picture of me.

I got asked to speak at the Friday morning meeting this week. I tried to say no because I am also speaking on Saturday night... and this sounds like an overdose of Mary Christine. The friend who asked me to speak on Friday morning convinced me that they are two entirely separate groups, and therefore mostly different people. And I am only supposed to talk for 20 mins. on Friday - Saturday night I get the whole hour. hmmm.

"I may attain 'humility for today' only to the extent that I am able to avoid the bog of guilt and rebellion on one hand and, on the other hand, that fair but deceiving land which is strewn with the fool's-gold coins of pride. This is how I can find and stay on the highroad to humility, which lies between these extremes. Therefore, a constant inventory which can reveal when I am off the road is always in order." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 12

6 Weird Things About Me

I was tagged by Designer Girl and Lash to do this 6 Weird Thing thing. Where do I begin?

1. I love statistics and my mind works in ways that no matter what I do, I find a way to quantify it.

2. I have given birth to triplets (fertilization totally unaided) (see #1 above, the chances of this happening are 1/8,000).

3. I once killed a bear with a Buick.

4. Having been a flighty individual early in life (pre-sobriety), now I tend to stick to things long after anyone else would have stopped - sometimes I remind myself of a cock roach - the creature that will be left on earth long after everything else is extinct.

5. I won a bubble-gum blowing contest in my childhood.

6. I need "foot-freedom" - would rather be barefoot than anything. My feet have to stick outside of the blankets at night...

I tagged dAAve, JJ, Trudge, Scott W., Motorcycle Mike, and Diego. Only one of these hasn't been tagged before.... so I guess only one of them will be mad at me. 1/6 - not bad.
The Rules - Each player of this game starts with the 6 Weird Things About You. People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 Weird Things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog!

I will post something else later....

miscellanea

These seven socks represent seven weeks of me sitting in meetings knitting. I still have three socks yet to make for Christmas. The little ones are quick though. Yeah, I know they look kinda funky, but when you put them on, it is like a hug for your feet. I don't know why hand-knit socks are so special, so loving, but they are. Last year I gave a sponsee a pair for her birthday. She looked at me like I was nuts - but this year she is asking for another pair. I gave her a gift certificate for a pair in her choice of colors - she was happy about that.

I sure wish I could have slept last night, but I couldn't. I am glad it is Saturday and I can try to get all my work done this morning after the 6:30 a.m. meeting, and then take a nap this afternoon. I will head out to church tonight and tomorrow kick back and watch football. Maybe I will just skip watching the Broncos play though. It is upsetting - I care FAR too much about a silly game with a bunch of millionaires running around a field.

Yesterday morning I ran 5 miles and was late to work. The day before I ran 4 miles and was late to work. Today is Saturday and I am too physically tired to run. What is wrong with this picture?

I would rather not write this, but I am going to because I think it is important. Over the summer, I was paying my daughter's bills, buying them groceries, etc. Although I make plenty of money, I got behind on one of my bills. I have not been able to get it caught up. Last night, I got a nasty-gram from them. It was an awful feeling. It has been many years since I have faced anything like this. But instead of tucking that away and trying to forget about it, I said a prayer and dialed the phone and called them - having learned how to do this in the process of many 9th step amends. It is indeed miraculous what happens when I honestly face my problems. I am so relieved today, and once again, I am reassured that this program works in every single circumstance. (and I am reminded that it doesn't matter how long I have been sober, I still can fall into the same traps.)

"We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 78

Friday Morning

It's still dark outside. I have all my running stuff on and I am ready to go, but I like to have at least a teensy bit of light when I am running - particularly on ice.

My sponsee celebrated her birthday last night at her regular meeting. It was nice to see her be grateful for her eleven years. We went out for dinner after the meeting and although it was good, the food was Wretched Excess. I think I could run 24 hours a day for the next 2.5 weeks and not work off the calories that are going to be consumed. It is just crazy that we celebrate everything with massive caloric content. Okay, I will stop bitching about it, just enjoy it, and try not to go overboard either way.

Daave already asked this, but I am asking too... what about the new blogger format? Has anyone switched? What do you think of it? I am nervous about switching.

Have a Happy Friday everyone.

"See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

New Running hAAt

Can anyone guess what my favorite color is? (hint: it is almost every picture I have ever posted here.)

I am heading out of here for a run. I accidentally slept until nearly 6:00 a.m., which is like sleeping till noon for most people. Shannon asked me yesterday how I can do all this stuff in the morning. I usually get up around 4:00 a.m. I make a cup of coffee, sit down and do my reading and prayer. Then I hit my computer and look at blogs and that can take an hour or more. About 6 or so, I start thinking about heading out for a run. I either post on my blog at this time or decide to wait until after I run. About 7 or so, I start thinking about getting to work... etc., etc. I just get up too early. I don't ever set my alarm, and would dearly love to sleep in (like I did this morning), but I normally wake up extremely early. Early morning waking is a feature of depression, which I have. But, praise God, it is not really rearing its ugly head right now. Exercise, diet, meetings, working with others - these are the things that are keeping it at bay. What a wonderful thing.

"The readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 145

December Morning

I am struggling to get going this morning. I was feeling tired and unmotivated. I opted to take a day off from running today. I even tried to post something here earlier and just sat here without any idea of what to write. And then went back to bed for a half hour!

As I was doing my hair and putting on my make up this morning I had a sudden glimpse of myself. You know, not the hair or the eyelashes, but ME. I had a moment of intense gratitude for what God has done with my life. Here I am, in a beautiful home that I own, getting ready for a job I never dreamed I could have, looking at this body in a suit that is way too big, (I can whine about that, or just be grateful that I have lost weight and that I actually own a few suits - and they are nice!) thinking about the shopping I need to do for Christmas gifts, etc., etc., etc.....

Life is good. I find these short winter days challenging though. I have always found Christmas challenging. I am missing my son. I am somewhat apprehensive about the arrival in 9 days of my 55th birthday. Oh, and my arch-rival at work got that promotion that I would have liked. But thanks to this way of life and a loving God who helps me if I ask him, I was able to immediately send her a congratulatory e-mail as soon as I heard the news, and I have been able to sincerely feel happy for her. Now, THAT is a miracle!

It's all about how I want to look at things. And I really do have a choice about that.

Thank you all for reading, and commenting, and sharing your lives in your blogs.

"We commenced to make many fast friends and a fellowship has grown up among us of which it is a wonderful thing to feel a part. The joy of living we really have, even under pressure and difficulty." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 15

Tuesday Predawn

I decided yesterday, while running on the treadmill, that I really need to run outdoors today - so I am going to do that this morning, but first it needs to get a bit lighter, and hopefully a bit warmer. I am going to take my camera with me in case there should be a photo opportunity (I am still thinking about that moon I saw yesterday). UPDATE: The above photo was taken this morning, the moon wasn't as huge as yesterday, but still very very pretty.

Yesterday was one of my sponsees' 11th birthday. Eleven years without a drink, and I had to cajole her into going to a meeting. She said she didn't care if she is sober or not. I told her that she will drink again if she doesn't care about her sobriety. I don't get it. I really don't get it.

I am mailing my last Christmas box to Iraq this morning. And in it is the last of the candy. I hope to God that I don't need to make any more candy this year. It is EVIL. My son called yesterday afternoon, he sounded tired but good. I asked him if he ever got to wear normal clothes over there, and he said "NO". I think that alone would get really old, but I am a bit of a nut about clothes....

I thank God today for the gift of desperation to get and stay sober. I thank God for the willingness to do what I am supposed to do in order to keep this precious gift - the gift of sobriety and a good, decent, worthwhile life. I MAY be the one who has done the teeeeeny little bit of "work", but I know that the willingness to do it did not come from me. It is a gift from God and I thank Him for it every day.

"Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of depedence upon God." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 98

Full Moon

I just saw a huge full moon set over the mountains - and I didn't have my camera with me! I tried to take a picture with my cell phone, but it lost a LOT in translation. Some things, I think, were just meant for us to enjoy in that moment, not to try to keep forever.

I went to the gym and ran my normal 3 miles this morning. I should have run 30 miles to counteract the caloric intake of the weekend. Holy Moly! I sure did eat some rich food. My friend last night chose the dessert for us to share and thankfully chose a disgustingly chocolate thing, so that didn't even tempt me! If he had picked cheesecake, I would have had to tell him to get his own, because I would have wanted the whole piece. Today I am so ready to eat some salad and vegetables - without dressing, sauce, or butter.

Last night I ran into a neighbor at an AA meeting! He has been sober for 4 months. He hasn't lived here long and I don't know him well, so I had no idea he was an alcoholic. It makes me happy to think there is a kindred soul across the street. I assured him that his anonymity is safe with me.

I better get rolling. I need to be at work on time this morning.

"We of AA obey spiritual principles, at first because we must, then because we ought to, and ultimately because we love the kind of life such obedience brings. Great suffering and great love are AA's disciplinarians; we need no others." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 174

10 degrees

Baby, it's cold outside. Yesterday it snowed and snowed and snowed. It is pretty but this is unusual weather for Denver, and I am ready for it to be over.

I had a fabulous time with my friend last night. We went to a really wonderful restaurant and had a great meal. Here is what I had: an appetizer of a brie quesadilla with poached pears, followed by an entree of trout almondine, and then desert! bread pudding with caramel sauce! Oh yes! This was good. It was fun to reminisce with my old friend but weird to realize he remembers more about my life than I do!

Also strange to have that old feeling of admiring someone who kept the same basic trajectory all his life - he changed his major in college, but kept going - he liked booze and drugs and his student lifestyle, so he stayed in college until he got his doctorate. He liked one of his old colleges so when they offered him a teaching job, he went. He has advanced to the point that he is now a tenured professor at a prestigious university and a world renowned person of his profession who has had many papers published, etc. He had two glasses of wine with dinner and got a bit giddy - definitely NOT the kind of drinking I understand. Not the kind of life I understand either. I hope you can see that I mean this in no way as a criticism of him, or even of me... just observation on how different lives are when alcoholism is involved. We both got misty eyed when we said goodnight. I ran back in my house and cried. I wish the people in my life were not scattered to the four winds. I wish I could see him more often than every seventeen years or so.

So today I got up and went to church which was wonderful. I am now home and ready for a day of football viewing. I am taking another friend out for dinner tonight for his birthday. Thankfully he is an AA member, so we speak the "language of the heart" and understand one another perfectly. And I will miss the Broncos game tonight - now THAT is true devotion to a friend! (but I will have it on TiVo just in case I really, really need to see it)

Yesterday at the 7:30 a.m. meeting, three different people told me that I am their "hero". I always shake my head and smile and sort of roll my eyes when people say stuff like that. But I am so grateful that I have people in my life who care about me and really know me. Because none of those people think I am so stellar because of my perfect lady-like deportment or my eloquent language. They think I am something else because of some challenge in my life, like having my husband beat the shit out of me, and the fact that I just kept coming back... and didn't wallow in it. Or that with over 10 years of sobriety, I sold my car and went without a car for a year or so, so that I could pay off my child-support. Or just being there with a smile and a kind word (and sometimes a pretty rough word or two.) I guess I am trying to say that I will probably never be considered a great success by worldly values, but hopefully I have made a difference in the lives of a few alcoholics. And I couldn't ask for any more than that.

"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- AA Comes of Age , p. 46

Saddy Mornin

I love Saturday Morning! I am heading out of here for a 7:30 a.m. meeting across town. Then I will hit the gym for a quick 3 mile run. And then get home and clean. The place must look sparkly when my friend comes to pick me up. The last time he was at my house, it was a townhouse full of little children. Now my home is the home of a soon-to-be 55 year old woman who lives alone. I am excited about seeing Chris.

We first met in 1968. Holy cow, that is a long time ago, most of you weren't even alive yet. It was a turbulent time, and we were kids in Chicago. It was also an incredibly wonderful time. There was a local club for teens - where I saw The Cream (with baby Eric Clapton) - among many other wonderful bands from the 60s. I just tried to do some research to see who all played there, and got so side-tracked, I need to just stop! Anyway, we were always there, every Friday and Saturday night. There was no booze served there, but we brought our own and plenty of other recreational substances as well.

As grateful and nostalgic as I can be for those times, I am even more grateful that I have a life that is still very exciting (at least to me) and current, and real. I don't need to long for the "good old days" because these truly are the good old days - because I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and have a life I never dreamed was possible.

"Regardless of worldly success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening, through the practice of AAs Twelve Steps." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 8

Frigid Friday

It's Friday and that is a wonderful thing. I have a very big weekend ahead. I will be seeing my old high school friend tomorrow night. I am taking a friend out for dinner for his birthday on Sunday. And we shall see what else happens.

Yesterday I left work early, per doctor's orders, but instead of going home, I went to the gym. I got on the treadmill and ran 6.2 miles. So, I did get my 70 miles logged in November after all. After about 2 miles, I realized my back didn't hurt any more. (It hurts like hell right now though.) You may say that running is terrible for a back, but I don't think it is as terrible as laying on the sofa, taking vicodin, and watching Dr. Phil. I have an appointment for physical therapy scheduled, hopefully that will help. Tonight after work I will go swimming before my regular Friday night meeting.

It is all good. You know why? Because I am sober, I am not angry with anyone this morning, I don't have to remember any lies today, and I can walk out of this house this morning and face the world without fear. Thanks to a loving God and Alcoholics Anonymous.

"For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his sprititual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 14-15