Easter Sunday Morning

Actually on THIS Easter Sunday Morning, my tulips are not yet in bloom (because Easter is about a month earlier than usual) and my entire little world is covered in a couple of inches of snow. But it is supposed to get up to 50 some ºs today, so it should melt.

I am getting ready to go to church. I love Easter Sunday. In my prayer and meditation this morning, I wept. I wept in gratitude for the great love that is given to me, undeserved by me, and yet freely given.

All of the kids and grandkids are coming over later. If the snow melts, I will hide Easter eggs. I will assemble Easter baskets after mass. I look forward to smelling a ham cooking later today. And potatoes au gratin. and a strawberry cake. and asparagus. and etc., etc., etc.

My last ever (please dear God) binge was on Easter weekend 1983. It was horrifying. I couldn't even cook Easter dinner for my young children. And now I get to watch my daughter disappoint her children... it is so sad.

A rare evening post

Just cuz I feel like it.

For some reason, today I was thinking about an early Good Friday in my life. I was 21 years old. I was drinking a lot. I was at a Bar ! Me? On a Friday Night? At a bar? well, yes. I am an alcoholic. I was 21 years old. I went out that night with my friend Maureen. She was my best friend through high school, and we drank a lot together (a lot).

She and I had different ideas about bars in which to drink, so we indulged both of our desires. She wanted to go to the local pizza joint - where guys hung out and played foosball. Me? I liked the bar next door - it was an old man's bar. Beers were 35 cents. We went first to the pizza joint. Then to the old man's bar. Then to the pizza joint.

I think it is funny that 35 years later, I remember this night. I remember the bars. They were the Olde Town Inn (note that phony extra "e") and Wille's Tavern. Woo! Hoo! I LOVED Wille's Tavern. We were dancing to 'have nagila', which I thought was hilarious, it being Good Friday and all.

Then we went back to that stinkin' Olde Town Inn. My recollections start getting sketchy here. But I do clearly recall smelling hair burning, and looking down at my own hair burning! My hair was down to my hips and some smart ass thought it would be funny to start it on fire. Well, I quickly extinguished it - I did, after all, have a beer handy to dip it into - and went after the man who put a match to it.

First I told him off, and then I guess we struck up a "meaningful dialog." We ended up talking in my car for some reason. Sitting outside the bar, talking in my red Datsun.

And do you know what my next recollection is?

Coming out of a black out, driving a green Porsche convertible across the Pennsylvania Turnpike - with him passed out in the passenger's seat. I quickly appraised the situation and decided it wasn't too bad. Here I was, driving a really nice car, with a really good looking man, and I had all weekend to go somewhere and do something! We went to Boston to visit my sister.

On Monday, I had to catch a flight home, because my new "true love" (who had set my hair on fire just 2 days prior) was going to drive to New York to visit a friend of his. I needed to call in sick to work. Since I was the switchboard operator, no one plugged in the phone, so I could not get anyone on the phone. And you know, there were no cell phones in those days, and no voice mail, so I had to wait until I got back to Chicago and got home to try to call again. It was much too risky to phone from an airport - with all those overhead announcements and all. I got in some trouble for that sick call, but no more than usual. They were quite accustomed to my sick calls. Funny, I still recall that the next day, my calendar had a note on it from the woman who covered for me... "8 hour goof Mary!" What the hell did I care about causing my co-workers distress!

When the fire setter returned to town, he moved in with me... that was good for at least a month! He was actually a bigger drunk than I was, and I didn't much like it. Ick.

So, I guess if I want to feel like my life is boring today because I am waiting until 9 p.m. to go to bed because I am so tired... I will thoughtfully consider how much I prefer the boring to the bleeding edge of excitement I indulged in for so long.

Thank God I lived through these misadventures, and ended up sober. It is a miracle. Nothing short of a miracle.

Good Friday

This is the first Good Friday in recent memory that I haven't taken a day off. I was unable to this year. I dislike working on this day. But I have a remaining deadline today that will require that I work all day. I can focus on the fact that I am gainfully employed and have "important" stuff to do that means that I can't take days off whenever I feel like it. Yeah, that's what I think I will do.

Then I have a whole two days off this weekend. It isn't even a "long-run" weekend. I have run 10 miles each of the last two Saturdays. Tomorrow I will run only 7. Then I get to work on Easter dinner. All of the kids are coming over for Easter.

Easter is my favorite holiday. Most people are puzzled when I say that. But Easter has the greatest significance for my faith. I also love it because my former husband doesn't love it, in fact, on Wednesday he told one of the kids he was a 'druid' and that he didn't care at all about it. That means that I have no major competition for this holiday. They won't be eating here and then running off to their dad's as they do on most other holidays.

I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Spring. Truth be told (which it usually is, eventually), I really LOVE, LOVE, LOVE all the seasons. But I find winter and summer to take a little bit too long, so I get really excited about fall and spring. (I found the above picture in my extensive library of photos, it was taken in my back yard in April several years ago - just so you know that the tulips are not in bloom yet - I will post pictures galore once they are in bloom - count on it!)

"True leadership, we find, depends upon able example and not upon vain displays of power or glory." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124

No Time

I barely have a second to post anything this morning. I came back home from church and went back to sleep - I am so tired! That little bit of sleep didn't seem to help.

I have huge deadlines at the end of this week, so I have got to get to work and be productive all day.

Sweet Baby's Eight Today

Today is my oldest granddaughter's eighth birthday. Her grandfather (my ex-husband), her aunt (my responsible daughter), and I pitched in and bought her a nice new mountain bike - and it's pink! She called me yesterday to thank me and tell me all about it.

When she was born, my daughter lived with me and I thought that we would be a family.... my daughter, granddaughter, and myself. But soon after the baby was born, my daughter moved back with the father of the child. They had another child a few years later. They were doing very well for a few years, until Mr. Meth reared his ugly head and came back into their family.

And now my daughter, the mother of two beautiful little girls, is not allowed to see her children unsupervised. And with good reason.

Thank God these kids have a large extended family. There are lots of people who love them and are actively caring for them, but that can never make up for your mother being "gone."

I see women every day coming into AA, and I know they can and do get clean and sober.

"The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 153

Tuesday Morning

What's new? Nothing.
What's happening? Not much.

I am not running this morning because it is almost 7 a.m., and not yet light out. It is also 20 something degrees. I am just not up for running in the freezing cold dark morning - I can do it in December, but in March? not so much. So I will try to run after work tonight - I hate to do that because I have no energy after work, but it will be light outside and a lot warmer than it is now.

Last night my computer did something horrible. I was able to reboot, but I think it highlights my need for a new computer. I think I want a laptop. Last night I "built" a Dell - starting at $499. - I barely put one damn thing on it, and it ended up being $1,400. I think if I am going to spend over a thousand dollars on a computer, I might as well get a Mac. People who have them love them.

I have loved this Dell, but it is almost 6 years old! I still have a big fat monitor that looks like a big fat old television set. I used to buy a new computer every year when I was still in school, but I have had no good reason to buy one lately. I think I do now.

Part of why I want a notebook is that I want to take a lot of pictures on my trip to Alaska. If I can download them onto my computer, I can keep taking picture after picture after picture. If I can't do that, I will have to purchase more memory for an old camera, or take only 100 or so pics. I don't think that is reasonable!!!

Okay. Not much going on. Not much to say. Just plugging along.

Snowy Monday Morning

It's snowy. It's Monday. It's early. It's all good.

I hope to have an ordinary day at work today. I hope that I have a moment to compose a letter to a 68 year old filipino woman I have "adopted". What does someone write to a person who lives in a bamboo hut with a dirt floor? Her husband is dead, her only child is also deceased. I can't think of one thing to say that wouldn't sound arrogant and show off-y - other than she is in my prayers every day.

I spoke with my nephew on Saturday and finally bought the tickets for my flights to Alaska. I am staying there for 10 days! I wanted to make sure he was OK with a long stay since I am staying at his house for most of that! I have also booked a trip for the day after the marathon - I am taking a train trip to Denali National Park and will stay there for 2 nights, then take the train back to Anchorage. The prices went up $50., just between Friday and Saturday... and I have no idea how much they went up since I started looking at them. It pays to be prompt when paying for anything impacted by the price of oil... like transportation, food, clothing... etc., in other words, every single thing you purchase.

I better get ready for work. The commute is going to be a bear. The roads are coated with ice and snow. I am so grateful my commute is less than 9 miles each way.
Go over and wish Daave a Happy Birthday! Happy Happy Birthday my friend!

Almost Spring, St. Patrick's Day, St. Joseph's Day

It's a late winter morning. It is cold and there is a bit of snow on the ground from last night. My crocus, however, are in bloom... and that makes me happy.

I woke this morning after having a dream about being at a social event with three of my least favorite women in AA. In my dream, I called one of them a bitch and stormed off from wherever we were. I woke up and thought - oh, no, I have to go to that meeting and see those women this morning. Imagine my surprise, when just a half hour away from that dream, I walked into the meeting and the woman I had called a bitch in my dream moments ago looked at me and told me she needed to talk with me. We went into another room and she told me something about her boyfriend... and I got to be supportive to her.

Thank God that my actions are not always consistent with my feelings. I think my dream shows how I REALLY feel, but my actions can be loving anyway. By the Grace of God.

Today my son is coming over at noon. I am cooking corned beef and cabbage and we shall have our annual St. Paddy's day dinner. Yummmy. One or more of my daughters may show up.

My beloved drug addict daughter called me yesterday to tell me that she is on the waiting list for rehab. Oh, I am so glad. She sounded p.o.'d about it, so it rang true to me. No one will let her have her daughters unsupervised anymore and it seems this is more than she can bear. I am praying... praying... praying.

Waiting for an increase in º

Since it is mid-march, I think it would be reasonable for the temperature to at least be over 30º, so I will wait until it is - before I go out and run my planned 7 or 8 miles today.
Yesterday I spent a great deal of time working on something that I am going to tell you about. I have thought about whether I should, and I think since I no longer have to deal with the evil commenter, I can tell you all anything I want! This is intensely personal, and I am putting it out there for the world to see. Is that not what blogging is all about?

One of the things I don't talk about is the fact that I was married at 18. The marriage was foolish at best. I was too young, but had survived a rather tough childhood and adolescence so I thought I was mature. So, I have been married three times, but I would rather people believe it was twice.

1. at 18, to a man named Michael - who I called Micky... yuk. Divorced at 20.
2. at 23, to a man I loved with all of my heart and I miss to this day - the father of my children. Divorced at 34.
3. at however old I was at 6 years sober... 38, ok, 38... to an Australian...yuk... who was sober 8 years, the marriage was something out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. We were married long enough for him to become a US citizen... divorced at 42.

In confession a few months ago, I was talking with a priest (a priest so kind and wonderful I have changed my parish to his) and he suggested I proceed with the annulment process to clear up the wreckage of the past, Catholic style. I told him that I had tried before but was told I couldn't - because I cannot find my first husband, the only man I married in the church. He, Father Wonderful, told me I could proceed if I could show that I have really TRIED to find him. Well, I happen to have a file full of the documentation of my futile efforts to find the man.

About a month ago, I completed the application for annulment and mailed it to the Archdiocese. I got a reply a week ago that I needed to either find the man or provide proof that I have really tried and can't find him. So, I photocopied this big packet of my efforts and mailed it off. On Thursday of this week, I got the packet of stuff I have to do to get an annulment - so I guess my proof of effort was good enough. I need to gather some documentation...Yesterday I called the church where I was baptised to order my Certificate of Baptism. I called the church where I was married to get the Marriage Certificate, but had to order it from the state where we were married. I ordered the divorce decree online. Now all I have to do is answer about 10 pages of questions about myself, my former husband, and our marriage.

It is almost eerie to do this. As I typed in his name and my name and the date of our marriage, I just felt like there is no way they will ever find a marriage certificate or divorce decree. This has been something I haven't talked about for so long, I feel like it doesn't even really exist. I cannot wait to get this stuff back. I need to see it, to touch it, to feel it. And I guess I need to talk about it.

I can't believe I was ever an 18 year old girl, dressed in a beautiful white gown, with a beautiful white veil.. marrying a guy who was a drug dealer! What the hell was I thinking? What were my parents thinking?

And here I am, 38 years later... still trying to get it all sorted out. I guess it really is like an onion, the inventories, the amends, the changes. I would have never thought I would want to do this, but I want it so bad. The few people I have told about it have asked me why - why would you want to do this? Do you want to get married again? Nope. I just want this wreckage cleared up. I think it is interesting that my sponsor thinks this is a good idea and suggests that it will enable me to become a nun. I think it is doubly interesting that the man I have been dating for the last year and a half (but not talking about) asked me if I was doing this so I could become a nun. That is ironic in so many ways, but shows me how well these two know me... maybe better than I know myself.

I am so grateful for this beautiful program that allows me to live and grow and develop into the person God wants me to be, the person who was hiding in there for so many years.

"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 83

Oh, I don't know....

It's Friday morning. It has been a l-o-n-g week. I have been tired all week. The fall last Saturday really took a toll. Yesterday I ran three fast miles on the treadmill, and by yesterday afternoon I was limping. By this morning, when I got out of bed I could barely walk. I think the run yesterday was too much on my injured knees. Now my left leg hurts all the way from my heel to my hip. When I take a step, it feels like a jolt of electricity runs all the way from the floor to my pelvis.

I think I shall go to the pool this morning and swim a half a mile. That should loosen things up. Then another full day of work before I get two days off! But today I have a very easy schedule. A brief presentation at 9:00, then no meetings until 1:30 - then just that meeting and I am done for the week. I like to straighten my desk on Friday afternoons. Maybe look at the magazines I have gotten during the week.

Which reminds me... Imagine my surprise when I saw a familiar face (if you have read AA literature) on the cover of one of my magazines this week. Sister Ignacia has been deemed a "Hero of Healthcare" by Modern Healthcare Magazine. Back in the 1930s, she worked with Doctor Bob in Akron to get alcoholics the care they needed. She worked with alcoholics all of her life, overcoming the fact that she really feared alcoholism.

Okay. I gotta get going. Have a great Friday everyone.

Memory Assault

I am going to write some honesty here, so I am sure glad I found a way to have either gotten rid of the evil commenter, or I have found a way to not have to listen to him... not sure which. He has either left me alone for a week or so, or I truly found the magical way to not ever have to see his comments. Let me know if you want to know the secret... but I digress...

This morning I left in haste for church, didn't have time to even blog. I thought I was ready to go to the gym after church, but I forgot my iPod. I realized I had my old iPod in my car, so I went to the gym after church at 6 a.m. My old iPod doesn't really work anymore. You have to jiggle the cord to get the earbuds to work right and adjusting the volume is iffy. Changing songs is impossible - and you can no longer even turn the thing off! So, there I was, a victim of whatever song came on next. And a song came on. I usually skip past it. I don't know when I last listened to it.

I was 2 miles into a 3 mile run and there was "Jersey Girl" by Bruce Springsteen. As I listened to Bruce sing "tonight I want to be with you," I thought how beautiful and how nice it would be to hear these words said to me.

And then I remembered. The first time I ever danced with George. At an AA dance. In 1984. To Jersey Girl by Bruce. George loved me. I eventually came to love George. We danced. A slow dance. And George wanted to be with me. George never stopped wanting to be with me. I was young and beautiful and newly sober and George was quite a bit older, and could never quite stay sober, but he adored me.

Today, I am a 56 year old grandmother, running as fast as she can on the treadmill... and believe me, I mean that in more ways than one. But this morning, I was transported back to a time when I was young, newly sober, and dancing with a man who adored me. Oh, dear. I had chills.

I wish I could have appreciated what I had when I had it. I never quite appreciated George, and I eventually broke up with him - I could not stay with someone who was drinking. I never appreciated being newly sober because I wanted to have decades of sobriety. I could go on, but I am sure you get the drift. (And I also will just say, just so no one needs to tell me: I do get the lesson here. I need to appreciate where I am today - and most days I do. I am just really tired today.)

George died a couple of years ago. I just want to say:

George Edward Schnaufer, I love you. Wherever you are, I love you. I hope you are resting peacefully in heavenly bliss ... and I hope I will see you again someday.

Wednesday Morning

Last night I had dinner with Lash. What a treat. He is such a neat guy. We sat in a restaurant for 2 hours waiting for our dinner and it never came, the restaurant is called "Venice". We finally left and went to another restaurant and had a wonderful and quick dinner. It is amazing to me to meet other bloggers - I have not yet been surprised by one of them. So far, I have found that if you read their blogs, you get to know what to expect when you meet them.

In fact, one time I was at a local department store when I recalled that a blogger worked there. I walked over to her department and asked for her. She was late that day, but they were expecting her at any moment. When she came in, I introduced myself to her and she acted absolutely horrified that I would come and find her. I guess that is my brief history with stalking! It was creepy. I didn't really expect more than that either.

I was supposed to meet a sponsee at a meeting this morning. I left her a message last night that said I would not be at the meeting this morning, but I have no way of knowing if she got the message or not, so I will go to the meeting. I am so freaking tired I wish I could curl up in a ball and stay there all day. But I will show up at the meeting instead of not showing up. I will, however, be late. So there! Take that!

Have a great sober day everyone.

Dark Outside

Today I am remembering why I dislike the "spring forward" time change so much. It is 6:43 a.m., and it is still dark outside. I need to get out and run, but I really dislike running in the dark. You may say - well then run AFTER work.... well, that could work if I had any energy at the end of the day - which I usually don't... and if I didn't have a plan to meet a friend (Lash) after work tonight.

So, I read a blog this morning. I don't believe I have ever visited this particular blog before. I am not going to say who it is. But based on one entry, I heard echoes of a former self. A self that I hated to hear from. It is hard to hear from your ancient and most of the time forgotten past.

I was sober 6 years when I married a man I met in AA. He was sober 9 years. He was everything I wanted in a mate - and I was madly in love with him. About a week after we were married he hit me for the first time. I knew it wasn't a good sign, but I blamed myself. I just knew it was because I was so difficult to get along with - I had "pushed" this wonderful man to this extreme. I won't catalog here all the abuse, it was extensive. Broken bones, several of them, things I never heard of before this, things more like a scary movie than a real life. And do you know what I did?

I went to AA meetings. I listened to people say things like: "whenever I am disturbed by a situation, it is my problem." "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today." I could go on, but you get the idea. So, I wrote inventory. And I wrote inventory. And I tried to keep my mouth shut. And I tried to accept him just the way he was. And I tried to find a sponsor who could tell me what was wrong with ME, so I could fix ME, and get this man to love me.

Finally my sponsor said to me "B. is a f***ing a**hole. You need to go back to where you belong and start over." And I actually did what she said! It wasn't over, but I was on my way back to reality.

So, I just want to say to anyone out there who is being abused and going to AA or Alanon meetings and trying to figure out what is wrong with yourself.... You can write inventory until you wear your fingers out - but if you are married to Adolf Hitler, he will remain Adolf Hitler. You can clean your own side of the street until it shines, but if you still have an abusive person in your life, that person will continue to abuse you. You may actually further enrage that person by acting so "nice".

Oh, thank God I don't live in that world anymore. My daughter said to me recently "As much as I hate B., I almost think it was because of him that you did so much with your life." Oh, yes, my little one. I had to plumb the depths of my soul before I was able to soar to new heights.

(it is now daylight, but too late to run) (this is a long post, sorry)

So, my gratitude for today:

• I am single and will likely remain that way for the remainder of my days
• I got a college education while in my forties
• I have a good job
• I can support myself
• I have a lovely home - that I own
• I have a car that no one has tampered with
• I have friends who don't even know about this marriage
• This episode (and others) did not define who I am
  
• God loves me no matter what
• God loves me so much that I was able to stay sober no matter what
• Getting older is not always such a bad thing.
  

Monday Morning

This is traditionally a difficult day for me. I wish we would stop fooling around with clocks. I have a finely tuned inner clock and this springing forward usually messes me up. That said, this morning I woke up at 4 a.m. and felt great! So I will head off to the 6:30 meeting and put in a full day of work and a full night of Biblical School. Sounds like a great day to me!

My knees are feeling very much better. I will probably not even miss a day of running. Tomorrow is my next scheduled running day and I think I will be able to do that without a problem. So I guess I have just passed yet another unofficial bone density test.

I talked with my sponsor for a long time yesterday. I told her how emotional I got after Saturday's fall. She is so cute. She said she has a thought that we never get rid of all the alcohol in us. That sometimes little bubbles of it pop up - and she thought I had jarred loose a little bubble of old alcohol when I fell.

Let's have a great sober day - and not add to the accumulated alcohol content of ourselves!

Thank you.

I appreciate your care and prayers.

A friend came over and spent the night last night and that was very comforting. I didn't get much sleep though. My knees hurt so bad.

Here is what happened: I was running along a path in the park. Coming in the opposite direction was a large group of runners. I was concentrating on staying out of their way and wasn't looking down. There was a large crack in the sidewalk that I never even saw - and the next thing I knew, I came down with all my considerable weight on my knees and my hands - which barely had time to come up and protect my face. I nearly fell on my face. It still knocked the sense out of me and spent yesterday feeling pretty crazy.

I went to church last night and just cried and cried. Afterwards I felt a lot better. And then my friend came over, we watched a movie and had a "sleep-over."

The people who surround us really have the ability to change our reality. I know we say in AA all the time "I don't have that kind of power." Whatever kind of power that is. I know that my friend had the power to change my day yesterday - it turned a scary and menacing kind of day into a day when I knew I was loved and cared for.

Let's love and care for each other today... we have the ability to change another's day just by doing that.

The Worst Run Ever

This is one of my knees after my fall this morning. The other is very similar, except it has a little piece of gravel imbedded in it. My hands are also scraped up. I fell 1.03 miles into a 10 mile run. I was at a park with lots of other runners, so thankfully I had a little group of people who stopped to help me. Man, I really fell! I was seeing stars and everything. I did manage to get back up and run away, I thought I felt pretty decent until the last 2 miles when every step hurt.

By the time I got into my car to drive home, I was crying. I always find it very interesting who I call when I am feeling horrible. Today, the only person I wanted to talk to was my daughter - the drug addict. I called her. God bless her, she can be as crazy and strung out as a loon, but she is always sweet to me - she always has been. She offered to come over and help me, but all I wanted to do is take a bath and go to bed.

I have taken the bath, I am now eating a bowl of cereal, and I will go to bed.

Now I will ask if you are so inclined if you would say a prayer for me. I am really not feeling well at all. I think I fell WAY harder than I realized. I think it is physically effecting me, but also emotionally effecting me. It is terribly discouraging to think that I am so old that I am falling all the damn time. Thank you for your prayers. And for not criticizing me.

Friday Morning

I slept for eight (8) blessed hours last night! I feel marvelous this morning!

I met with my co-teacher last night, and we sat in a great restaurant and graded papers. It was so much fun! I also got to ask her some questions about my job for which I have no other resources. That was also wonderful! The fact that she agreed with my assessment of several situations was doubly wonderful! The Ahi Tuna Sandwich with wasabi mayo and rosemary potatoes was triply wonderful!

It is Friday and all I have to do is work all day. I think I shall go to the pool and swim a half mile on my way home from work. Tomorrow I shall run 10 miles - which I am actually very excited about. I practically feel like I am on vacation because all I have to do is work for 8 hours today - on a full night's sleep! woo hooooooo!!!

Last night I spent over an hour on the phone with a former boyfriend who was recently arrested for stalking. There is a tiny part of me who would like to gloat over his misfortune, because he was not very kind to me at the end of our "romantic" relationship. I am glad I can get over that and just be a friend to him. I do not have to be in the same position as another to empathize with their pain. I can be a friend. Do I understand what would lead a person to do what he did? nope. Do I understand putting myself in ridiculous positions due to "decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt"? Yep. I am grateful I can be a friend.

Let's stay sober today, OK?

Thursday Morning

Heading off to church. I woke up at 3 this morning and wanted to go back to sleep so very bad. I am really tired. I have church this morning from 5 to 6, then the gym for a quick 3 miles on the treadmill, work all day, and then I am meeting someone tonight to grade tests and papers for the last chore of my semester.

Tomorrow is Friday. The day after that is Saturday. On Saturday, weather permitting, I will see someone I have not seen since Christmas Day. That is good. That is very good. On Sunday, I hope to sleep in - all day! Not that I will sleep all day, but I could! And that is very important.

I bet I will feel better once I set foot in my church. I know I will.

Misunderestimating my self-esteem

It's funny. People see things through their own lenses. Measure with their own yardstick. I think most people are kind and they want the best for others. I think most of the people who read my blog want the best for me and they want to offer me kind words when it sounds like I am down.

Yesterday I probably sounded like I was down. I wasn't. It might have sounded like I was being hard on myself, but believe me, I wasn't. I think it can also seem like I am running as fast as I can to escape some tragic reality, but I am not.

The only reality that I might be trying to adjust is the fact that I am a hopeless alcoholic - sober by the Grace of God for 23 years, 7 months, and 11 days - and I can never give back enough to fully pay for this - but it is worth the effort to try. I am a 56 year old woman who has less than 9 years left of her career - and there are things I want to do! I am an "adult onset athlete" who wants to do it all - and so far, I have been able to do everything I wanted to - which for an alcoholic who smoked 2 packs per day for 25 years, is pretty remarkable. I also have to say that I am a person who has been diagnosed with Major Depression and this exercise enables me to live without anti-depressants.

It is important that I take regular reality checks with my life. I had one on Monday morning. I cannot continue to take my work hours so cavalierly. It is not good for me, or my workplace. And it is not good for a person's self-esteem. Oh, believe me, I have plenty of self-esteem, and I guard it - so I don't do things that are bad for it. Sometimes that means I am on a pretty narrow path, and there aren't that many people on the path with me, and that is fine with me. If that looks like I am being hard on myself, that is OK. I know it isn't the truth.

So, I just want to say that I was talking with my daughter the other day. My "good" daughter. I was talking a bit about my blog. I told her that someone called me a "shape-shifting reptile." My daughter burst out laughing. She said "are you kidding???? someone really called you a 'shape-shifting reptile'?" and laughed some more. Well, the way she said it, I had to laugh too. Now we call each other that and laugh, because really, it is very funny. Sometimes the most serious people end up making themselves fodder for some really great humor.

Going to the gym

It is cold, the roads and sidewalks are icy, it is also dark - amazingly enough... so I am heading out to the gym to run on the dreadmill. I have a little less than 16 weeks before my marathon, I have got to train no matter what!

Yesterday I was 40 minutes late to work. There had been someone there for 45 minutes waiting for me. It is the entire reason for my job - and I wasn't doing it. I could have easily known this person would be there waiting for me if I had checked a website I should be checking daily by 7:30 a.m, but I didn't do that either. I was busy meeting my sponsee and working with her. I have got to get my priorities straight again. I have obviously strayed very far from what I am supposed to be doing.

I think this weekend I will take some time to really reflect on what I am doing. I have to regroup. I have been running against the clock for a long time now and it feels awful, so I do stupid crap like being late for work.

I will stop my extracurricular activities in the morning, because I need to be at work on time. I have responsibilities there, and they pay me to fulfill them. I can go to the 6:30 meeting, but I can't spend an additional hour after the meeting. I need to meet this sponsee after work or on the weekend, not before work. I need make my running fit my schedule, not the other way around.

So I am heading out to the gym. I can be done running and back home by 7 a.m., and then get ready and to work at a decent hour. I need to be a responsible adult here, not a spoiled child.

To a Meeting

I'm off to a meeting first thing this morning. I am so grateful that I have a 6:30 a.m. meeting on my way to work. It makes it very easy to get to a meeting and still have a full rest of the day. I meet a sponsee there on Monday mornings and after the meeting, we go into one of the small rooms in the clubhouse and talk and read.

I have no new clothes to wear today. I don't have a new job to go to today, or a new car in which to drive there. I don't have a new lunch box, or something different to pack in it. I just have my usual, ordinary life. It is a good thing. It was hard for me to learn to live through the ordinary times. No drama, just life. Good.

I will leave the house I have owned since 2001. I'll go to the same workplace I have been going to since September 6, 1994. I will drive a car I have had since 2005 - this is a very very old car for me, I like to get a new car approximately every year and a half or two years. I will go to a meeting I have been going to since 1994.

Yes, my life changed in 1994. I was 10 years sober, and finally ready to put the drama behind me. I divorced the crazy Aussie who was my husband. I got a job and told myself I would stay there until I retired (which so far at least is true). I would actually join a church and go at least once a week. I would work to get out of debt and buy my own home. I would get a car and get valid plates and insurance on it. I would do all these things I had never done before. And I have. And I am grateful for that. By the Grace of God.

By the Grace of a loving God.

Sunday Morning

Last night I went to an AA event at a fellow member's home. It was a fabulous turn-out and a fabulous time. We sat and ate and joked and laughed talked and talked and talked. It really was wonderful.

This was after a full day at school. My last of this semester. What happens in the future is still to be decided. The other teacher and I will meet this week to grade tests, papers, and decide what we want to recommend to administration.

So, yesterday should have been my 'long run' day. But since I was at school all day, I did not run at all. Yesterday it was 78º, today it is a freaking blizzard, and I am not getting my long run in. This really peeves me. I did go to church at 7 a.m., and decided after I got home from there that I am going nowhere else today. The roads are BAD.

I didn't sleep well last night. It seemed to me, in the psychosis of insomnia, that there was no soft place for my mind to rest. Everywhere it went, there were sharp edges. Unfortunately, even this blog has gone from a soft place to a place with sharp edges. This breaks my heart.

Texting a Land Line

I heard a malapropism yesterday that was so rich, I sat right in my office, in the presence of the woman who said it, pulled out my cell phone and texted a message to Scott. But I got an error message a moment later.... I was texting a land line. Which is futile. And "texting a land line" sounds like a good description of futility. But I did later call Scott to tell him about "pearl-rate" instead of "pro-rate."

I took the above picture while walking to the car from the restaurant last night. We dined on Ethiopian food. Oh, it was wonderful. I had to lecture my children first, and then they almost behaved. The two children (31 and 29 years old) who are "good" are much offended by their sister who is a drug addict. She is starting a new "career" as a tattoo artist. She actually should be quite good at it since she is such a good artist... and she is so fricking personable, it is amazing. The waiter was practically droooling over her. She has this effect on people. I just wish she could use it for good. Anyway.

Wrong or right (and I seem to be wrong a lot lately), I told them that this is what a family is. We are never all going to be 100%. We live with and love each other anyway. I grew up with a father who passed out in his soup in only the finest establishments. A brother who bounced off of parked cars, and crashed a few. The same brother who left a party and passed out in a cornfield and it took a search party to find him.... oh, I could go on and on with this. But I won't.

If we only love each other when it is happy and convenient, what good is that?

So anyway, we had a lovely dinner - really. We had fun. And after dinner, we went to Dairy Queen... the home of my favorite ice cream. My (good) daughter drove, and I sat in that car in my glory - because I was with all three of my children and they were, for the most part, acting like people who like each other. It was wonderful.

Today is my last day of this semester. Praise God. I do not want to do this anymore.

Post #891

Yesterday I came home from church and decided I was not only tired but had a headache and felt generally unwell. So I stayed home from work. I went back to bed and was having many dreams of my upcoming trip to Alaska... including being at some sort of lodge with my nephew and other relatives, there were grills in front of the lodge, and I was waiting for lunch. In my real world, the phone rang and in my sleepiness, I answered it. It was my former boyfriend, and I sleepily told him I was dreaming about hot dogs. Hot dogs cooking on a grill and I was waiting for my bun to be just right... and then I realized how pornographic that sounded. He thought so too. Oh, in my dream those hot dogs just looked so good, I thought about them all day - in a purely food way. Not that hot dogs are pure food - and that is probably why I seldom, in reality, eat them.

I crossed a couple of lines yesterday on my blog. I deleted some of it. Some of it was comments on another's blog and I left them there, but apologized. And of course, the apology was used as another way to slam me.

You know what? I am really tired. My life is feeling a bit overwhelming. It is a good life, but I am tired. Tomorrow is my last day of school for this semester and I am really really really glad.

• I think that teaching is the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. (Scott, this is another of my friends malapropisms, "sort of speak.")
  
• My daughter is running wild and no one will let her take my granddaughters anymore... she goes crazy every February and March... I have no idea why.
  
• I am training for a marathon, which is physically and mentally beneficial, but tiring.
• Tonight I am taking my daughters out to the Ethiopian Restaurant for their birthday dinner - a first, I am not cooking - this makes me sad, but I have no choice right now.
• Work has turned into a perpetual nightmare and isn't expected to change much soon.

Thanks for listening. Phew. I feel better now.

Thursday Morning

It is now 52 weeks that I have managed to get to church by 5 a.m., to sit for an hour in quiet prayer. Oh, how I love this time. This morning, however, was the first time that the alarm didn't wake me immediately. I am such a light sleeper that I set the alarm clock on very very quiet music, and it normally wakes me at the first note. This morning, I woke up after the music had been playing for 3 minutes. I think this speaks to how overwhelmingly tired I am.

There is nothing huge on my horizon today. I need to make my reservations for my Alaska trip and will probably do that today. It is so hard to figure out what to do in a place you have never been and don't know what you'll love about it. I will likely book a train trip (for the day after my marathon) from Anchorage to Denali, stay two nights at Denali (Mt. McKinley), and come back to Anchorage. My nephew wants to do some cool stuff, like a fishing charter, back around Anchorage, so after a few days away, I will come back to his house. And I will get to go to AA meetings with my beloved nephew! It just all sounds too fantastic to believe. I have wanted to go to Alaska all my life. I spent most of last evening looking at websites of places to go. This is the kind of "problem" I like to have!

I better get going.

trickery

Sometimes I have to do whatever I can do to trick myself into feeling better. I was so discouraged yesterday about many things, but what really fed it was that I woke up too late to take a run. Running is my anti-depressant. It helps me physically, emotionally, and mentally. When I am not getting exercise, I tend to fall into traps of thinking that lead me into unhappiness.

At a little after 11 o'clock yesterday, I realized that I didn't need to be anywhere for an hour or so, so I drove home, put on my running clothes and went out for a three mile run. Oh, it was glorious. The sun was shining, it was in the 40ºs, and I was outdoors! At noon! It was great. I then came back home, cooled off a bit, and threw my work clothes back on and went back to work. Now, I didn't look absolutely terrific, but I don't really care. It was a great break in my day, and I didn't mind staying at work till 6:00 because I had already taken care of myself that day.

I am going to go to the 6:30 meeting this morning. Something came up on my blog yesterday that I would like to write about, but it would more time than I have this morning. I should keep a little log of items I want to write about, because I do forget about them.

Let's stay sober another day, shall we?

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

I am again having sleeping difficulty - I was up half the night and then slept until 6:30 a.m. -which is crazy late for me. I have no time for a run - even if the streets and sidewalks were not coated in an inch or two of ice... which they are.

Yesterday I told one of my co-workers about the situation with my daughter and granddaughters. When I saw the horror on her face, I realized that once again I have become accustomed to a reality that is almost too terrible to consider. She asked me, "how long have you been going through this?" and I said "oh, a year, I guess." Really, I felt like a moron who doesn't have the sense to care about her daughter and granddaughters. I do care, very deeply. But I also know that I cannot make my daughter quit using meth. I cannot make life OK for my granddaughters... they are being cared for by their father and grandfather (my ex). If I were a millionaire, I would take both of the grandchildren, quit my job, and raise another set of children. As it is, I am peddling as fast as I can to support myself, pay off my student loans, and build a retirement so that I am not a burden on my children in my old age. That sounds selfish, but I don't think it is.

I find that life is not black and white, good and bad. I find that it is a mixed bag. Sometimes it depends on which side of the bed I get up on... and then I can go back to the drawing board and start it all over again. I have been to hell and back with this daughter - since 1993. Can I live my entire life being consumed with worry and grief? no. I will not. But throw grandchildren in the mix and the worry really becomes, well, worrisome.

Anyway, I sit in AA meetings and listen to people say they have "broken the cycle" and their children will not have a problem because they got sober "in time." And I just smile.

I guess I am fortunate that I have no occasion to sit back and be satisfied with myself. I can be grateful to God for whatever blessings he has given me - like my sobriety. But to feel that I have accomplished something - when so many can't - would just be rude and ungrateful to God - I think.

Misery

Misery is what I did this past weekend. I woke up this morning without the headache and I am so very grateful for that. I wish I still had a day off to enjoy though. Yesterday it the temperature was over 60º, it was sunny and beautiful, and I spent the day on the sofa. Oh well. Last night I woke up and heard a strange sound - it was rain! Rain in February is rare here in Colorado - our winter precipitation is snow. I love the sound of rain, it was very nice.

Last evening, I tried to watch the Acadamy Awards (via telephone) with my former b.f., and current friend. I didn't even feel well enough to do that. We watched it "together" last year and I really enjoyed his commentary. I guess everything changes. That relationship certainly did. Once again, I can thank God that things did not work out the way I wanted. If I had gotten my way, I would be stuck married to a man from whom I would have to be considering a divorce. Oh, please, I never want to do that again!

This morning I am meeting a sponsee at the 6:30 meeting and then we will do the 3rd step. Oh, how I love the 3rd step. Then I shall work all day. Then I shall go to Biblical School tonight.

It will be another good day to stay sober.

Migraine

Thank you for your concern. I have a migraine. It is one of the worst I have ever had. I managed to run 8 miles yesterday, then came home and went to bed. As soon as I fell asleep, the Fraternal Order of Police called to ask for a donation, when I said I had a migraine, the young earnest man said "Oh, this will only take a second." I hung up on him... I haven't hung up on anyone in years. I never went back to sleep. I did go to church last night, I thought it might be soothing in a way to sit in a quiet place with a community of people. It was.

When I came home from church, I layed in bed and prayed not to throw up. I managed to fall asleep without vomiting. I was up in the night and took some more motrin. This morning I didn't wake up until 6:30, disappointed to still have the headache. But I threw on some clothes and went to the 6:30 meeting - late.

Then I went out for coffee with the ladies. One of my beloved sponsees, who is a nurse, told me to get Exedrin Migraine... so I did. Now I hope it works.

A couple of people, including one of my favorite bloggers, have suggested that I am getting the flu - I don't know what is going on. I just know that this headache is one of the worst I have ever had, and I am sicker than usual from it. So, who knows?

Sorry to be so self-centered today. It is hard to see outside of yourself when your head feels like a painful prison.

Saturday Afternoon

This is a picture from my run this morning. Although I felt like crap, I managed to run 8 miles. In record (slow) time. I then went to the grocery store and felt like I was going to be sick... it felt so much like a hangover - headache and nausea.

I woke up with the headache in the middle of the night and prayed it would go away. I got up early, ate a bowl of cereal and took some motrin - then I went to the 6:30 meeting. Hoping the headache would go away, but it didn't. I drove "to" my favorite park to run in, and drove around for almost an hour - and couldn't find it. This was disconcerting as I have lived in this town for almost 24 years and have gone to this park for that long... oh well. My head hurts so bad I am having cognitive impairment.. Anyway, I just drove to a park I knew I could find and ran my 8 miles.

Now I am going to make a chicken salad sandwich with the chicken I just bought at the store... and I am going to bed.

And I am planning on staying sober today. Which is more than I can say for some of the folks who were at the meeting this morning. I hate to see people I like go out and drink. Hate it, hate it, hate it. We had a great conversation after the meeting, if I weren't so sick, I would write about it. Maybe tomorrow.

Friday Miscellanea

It is Friday Morning and I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time. Something changed at work on Wednesday when I wrote that prayer. Just a simple "God help me." And it changed. Not that everything has turned rosey, but I feel different. I am not dreading going to work today and that is very different.

Last night a friend and I went to see "Spirit of the Marathon." It was an awesome movie. Very inspiring. I am psyched about running right now - even though today is not a running day for me. But I will get out there tomorrow!

Lips: What the hell is going on? For years, I have noticed on magazines that women have voluntarily mutilated their faces with these huge, puffy, lumpy, meaty looking lip implants. Now I am beginning to see these strange lips on actual people in my real world. I had a meeting the other day with a woman I have worked with since 1994. Imagine my surprise to see her suddenly have "pouty" lips. She is a woman who is somewhere around 50 years old. She has age spots! And now she has this strange expression on her face like someone just smacked her in the mouth - or she just had a car accident and hit the windshield - lips first. Ick. I don't get it.

Okay. How is that for straying far from the point of this blog?

Let's all stay sober today, OK?

Thursday Morning

Yesterday was a better day at work. I was sitting in a highly charged, contentious meeting at work. I took my pad of paper, turned up some edges so that I was in the middle of the pad, and wrote "God, please help me!" The man next to me, who is my boss' boss, read it and much to my dismay, and whispered to me, "if you have a better idea, tell us what it is!"

After the meeting, I caught him in the hall and tried to explain that I was NOT writing a note to him, that my little note was meant to be a prayer. He asked me to come to his office and we chatted for a while, and I got to say and hear a bunch of stuff that needed to be said and heard. And he told me "don't worry," and he told me "I am glad you take your job so personally."

So now I am off to pray. One hour of silent prayer should be a good thing for me this morning.

Post #882

Gosh, I have been doing this blogging stuff for a while now, haven't I? I have seen a lot of people come and go in that time. Some bloggers I hope will stick around forever, and some I wait for that day when they are just a little bit too bored to keep on - as most bloggers do.

Yesterday morning I was feeling horrible. Work continues to get a little worse each week. It is extremely difficult. We are in a terrible situation, and unfortunately, that brings out the worst in people. I got a little sign for my door that says "Scatter kindness". I don't know what good that will do, but remind people (or me?) to just be kind. I went and saw a priest at lunch time for something that could be the subject of another whole post - and probably will be in the future - and on the way back, I bought cupcakes (with sprinkles) for my co-workers. I thought maybe a fattening treat would be a nice gesture. Little tiny gestures can sometimes make the difference in a person's day. I will endeavor to make as many kind gestures as I can, because it is damn ugly there right now.

I did run yesterday morning and this morning I did a new abs workout. I don't like it, but it hurts, so it must be good, right?

Gotta get ready for my day. You all have a nice one, OK?

Tuesday Back to Work

I am going to go out and run TODAY. I didn't ever get around to it yesterday. I did, however, go swimming - which was nice. But today, I am going to run. Really.

Yesterday I had several revelations I could have written about here, but can I think of any this morning? no.

My little corner of the world looks pretty good this morning. I wish it was spring. But the sun is shining, the clouds are few and pink. It is over 20 º, which is my cut-off for running. So I will go hit it. Sorry I have nothing to say today. (Thanks to Scott W. for telling me how to make a degree sign!)
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Sorry, I have been forced to use comment moderation again. I refuse to allow my blog to be used as a platform for hateful, insane, hyperreligious hyperbole.

Presidents' Day

I get this Monday holiday off, and I am extremely grateful for that today. I need a day off. I wish I had nothing to do, but alas, that is not my story. But at least I have no where I have to be until 7 o'clock tonight.

Yesterday I got to see one of my nephews. He was in town to visit with his wife's sister. I invited them over for a Sunday dinner. I ended up with nine people here for dinner - with an hour and a half to figure out what to cook and cook it. I managed to get it all done before they walked in the door and we had a fabulous time. It was great to see my little house so full of people.

I just went to my 6:30 a.m. meeting and then met with a sponsee afterward. It was lovely.

Now I need to go out in the cold morning and run. I SO don't want to. I do not know how to get my motivation back - it is simply gone. My back hurts and I want to go back to bed, not go out and run.

Snowing

I was sitting in a 6:30 meeting this morning, and looked out the window and saw (another) freaking blizzard. My plan for today WAS to go to the meeting and then run for the first time since February 6. But it is snowing.

So I went out for a bagel with the girls. We took up the whole back room of a bagel joint. It was so nice. I think there were 12 of us there.

So here is my question du jour. A woman who has been in and out and in and out and in and out over the last three years has been doing very well for about the last month. She looks and sounds different than she did - you know that magic you see in a person... it is wonderful. Another woman recently drank and was talking about her fear about raising her hand and being honest about her relapse. The older "slipper" told her not to worry about what others thought, and said "F*** them if they can't take a joke." Another member, sober now 6 years and the self-appointed expert on any subject, who annoys me a little more each day, got all over her. Told her that Alcoholism isn't a joke and she should stop thinking it is.... on and on... she browbeat this poor woman. Another older woman and I intervened on her behalf -but the other person would NOT drop it.

So on the way out of the restaurant I wanted to talk to Ms. 6 years-expert-of-the-world and tell her to stop browbeating newcomers. My friend encouraged me to do so. But I thought I better sit on it for at least a day. I am tired and not really in the best place, I am not sure I would be able to deliver this message with love. In fact, I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to.

Why can't we just be loving of one another? Why can't we just let newcomers be who they are? Why can't we just be on the same level playing field? No one is the expert in AA... we are all just sober, by the Grace of God, for today. Period. Why do we have to lord it over others?

In the words of one of my favorite philosophers:
"Can we all get along?"
Rodney King - May 1, 1992

Friday Night

I thought I would try something radical and post at night instead of the morning. I have school tomorrow. I am a tad resentful about this. I want a weekend off. I want to go to the meeting tomorrow morning. I am also very conflicted about all of this. I wanted to teach. I was excited about it. I actually like it - when I am there. But I don't like adding another day of work to my week.

I just went to a potluck dinner with the women of my AA group. It was fun. It was nice to sit around on a Friday night with so many people I love. Don't get the wrong idea - some of them I am not really that fond of, but I really really love them.

One of them told me tonight that a new guy said today that he really wishes I was at the meeting more often (that makes at least 2 of us!) because he always gets so much out of what I say in the meeting. My friend offered that I am hysterically funny about 80% of the time, and the other 20% of the time things suck. She said that is how she can tell that the 80% is the real truth. That was high praise.

I don't think my funnyness comes through in this blog. That is always the first thing that people notice about me - my sense of humor. So I have found through this blog that I am OK without much humor. That is good news.

I am a tired, worn out sober alcoholic woman. I am a runner who hasn't run in 10 days. I have not been to a meeting since Monday. I have a long distance relationship I don't talk about - but due to weather I haven't seen him since Christmas Day.

But as I said this morning, This Too Shall Pass.

Time Problems

I have been late for work every day this week. I am entirely sure I will be very late again today. I didn't wake up until 6:30. I am sitting here, thinking - gee I really need to get a move on... but here I sit. I did this yesterday. I am a salaried employee and it really does not matter that I am not there at the crack of 8:00 a.m., but still, it bothers me. And let me hasten to assure you that I put in more than 40 hours each week. But still, I COULD get there on time - if I really wanted to, and apparently I don't.

I am feeling really tired and I don't want to go to work today. I especially don't want to spend all day tomorrow in a classroom. I just want to sit and do nothing. Maybe take a run in the cold morning sun, but there is not time. This too shall pass...

Key Lime Pie

Last night as I was preparing to make several key lime pies, I thought it looked so pretty, I took a picture. I really miss HNT. I realize there is no naked body part, so it isn't HNT, and that is why I stopped participating in HNT. It turned into photos of dogs, no human body parts, no interesting, creative posing, just dogs.
UPDATE: I posted a photo on the OLD HNT site. http://half-naaked.blogspot.com/

Anyway, as I was baking these pies (for a Valentine's Day potluck at work today), I remembered my very first day of sobriety. I was waiting to go to my first meeting. I was quite sick. I was worried that my husband would be mad at me, so I decided to make a key lime pie. I must have thrown away a dozen eggs. On that day, I just could not get the concept of egg whites in one bowl and yolks in the other, so I kept mixing them up. Then I would throw them away, and start over.... again and again.

I am grateful that today I can coordinate a complex procedure such as separating egg whites from egg yolks. Life is so much easier without being drunk or hungover. It is amazing to me that I managed to drink like a fish for 18 years. What a nightmare.

I am now off to church in a blizzard. It is scary out there.

Happy Valentine's Day to all my sweetest blogging friends.

Rigorous Honesty

What does Rigorous Honesty mean to you?

Yesterday a sponsee called with a problem. She did something she wasn't supposed to do. She asked me if she had to tell her boss. I urged her to pray for God's guidance and the strength to carry it out. I did tell her that I thought she probably needed to come clean with her boss, even though she may lose her job, because the path to dishonesty is one of small incremental dishonesty. Lies of omission. Just tweaking the truth. Telling a "white" lie. Just telling a little lie. Then telling a bigger lie. Then because you got away with the lie, telling more lies. And then needing a little drink because you feel so bad about yourself.

I remember when I was in my first year of sobriety, I worked at a large insurance brokerage firm. I worked in "small accounts." They were mostly lawyers. I had to call a lawyer one Friday afternoon and tell him that I had made a huge mistake on his policy, and it had pretty serious consequences for him. He told me that he appreciated my honesty, but what the hell was I going to do about it? He was not nice. I went to a meeting that night and told my group that this 'rigorous honesty' crap was a bunch of nonsense. It didn't work in the real world. You couldn't go around admitting you were wrong in business - especially with lawyers!

I got the problem with his account worked out in the next week. And about a week later, the CEO of the company brought me a copy of a letter the lawyer had written to him. He wrote a letter to the CEO about how wonderful I was! He appreciated my honesty and my work to get my error straightened out! I took the letter and made a reduced size copy, until it was about the size of a business card, I laminated it, and put it in my wallet. I carried that thing around with me for years as a reminder that rigorous honesty does work in the real world!

The price of dishonesty is too high for alcoholics. People at work are sometimes dismayed at the fact that I will admit when I am wrong. I will even take my share of responsibility when others are wrong. It has lately not served me well. I don't care. The price of doing otherwise is my life.

What does rigorous honestly mean to you?

Tuesday Morning

The photo is only to remind me that things WILL unfreeze, trees will bloom again, and I will again be able to take a bike ride at Waterton Canyon. I will, I tell you, I will! It also serves as a reminder to be grateful that my new cell phone has a 2 megapixel camera, so now when I take photos from my runs and bike rides, they will be of a higher quality than the one above.

I also just have to say that it appears that I am being scapegoated at work. I hate to utter those words because I have been working at the same place for 13 and a half years, and for most of that time I have loved it. Right now I am not loving it. Every day I have to remind myself that if I get my ego out of the way, I will be just fine. I know what the truth is and that is all that matters. I know that I am competent and hard-working. If I am a convenient target, I can just tell the truth in the least defensive way possible. And know in my heart, deeply in my soul, that God has me firmly in his hand.

It is very tiring though.

"We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 55

Feelin' Fine

I am so glad I took Friday off because I feel fine today. It took me three days of doing virtually nothing to get to feeling fine. This week, I have Biblical School tonight, and the remaining nights, I have not one thing planned. I am meeting with a sponsee who just started a new job and can no longer come over in the evening... so we are meeting at the 6:30 meeting this morning.

I am so excited about having "nothing" to do this week! Yippeeee!

I can see that I seriously need a vacation, when even three days off gives me a new perspective. Work has been incredibly difficult. I have had too many women to sponsor. I find teaching satisfying, but extremely exhausting - I am not sure I think it is worth it. Training for a marathon is pretty tiring for a 56 year old woman. In other words, I am really, really tired.

So today I will go meet my sponsee. We will read Chapter 3, More About Alcoholism, and discuss as we go. I will go to work and try to give it 100% of my attention, my skills, and my abilities. I will go to Biblical School tonight and get filled back up. It is wonderful to sit there and see this mysterious book come to life for me. It is truly life altering and very very nurturing.

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 43

What hope looks like to me:

Do you see the tiny little tulip bud just below the snow? That thing is springing out of the ground in the faith, against all evidence, that it will be spring again, and it will have sunshine and all that it needs to survive.
A hummingbird nest in the tree in front of my house... it hopefully awaits the return of those beautiful little birds in the spring.

Winter is a hard time in Colorado. The beginning of it is always joyful for me. But around this time of the year, it is just dark, depressing, and difficult. It is difficult to run. It is impossible to ride a bike. It is too much trouble to go swimming (even indoors.)

I know that the day will again come when this dreary feeling will be gone. My neighbor and I just stood outside and made our plans for our annual trip to the greenhouse - to purchase our flowers, plants, maybe even a tree! The trip isn't until the first weekend in May, but we both look forward to it - even though it is nearly 3 months away.

I slept until 7:30 this morning. I never sleep this late. The phone rang and I spent over an hour talking with a good friend who is going through a difficult time. God Bless Him.

I am feeling much better, and it is sunshiney and in the 50s outside, so I am fighting the urge to go outside and run. But I am going to force myself to wait until Tuesday. I will be more careful in my running now. I do not want to have this kind of pain again, it was unpleasant!

And I want to thank the few bloggers who continue to comment on my blog. I do appreciate you.

Saturday go to meetin'

I am looking forward to my Saturday morning meeting this morning. I went to a disturbing meeting last night. It is held at my church, so I frequently have the temptation to go there. But every time I do, I think I won't again. There was a drunk woman there last night, she was very disruptive and wouldn't shut up. They, being a nice clean group who sits around talking about their "high bottoms", didn't have a clue how to handle the situation. And when my friend did handle it, she got lambasted in the meeting by the "nice" people who don't like "cross-talk." Excuse me? When a drunk person will not shut up, someone needs to tell them to be quiet. And if, while sharing in a meeting, you are telling someone else that what they did was "cross-talk," isn't THAT "cross-talk?"

So I will happily go to my home group where they know what to do with a newcomer. Where there are strong "pillars" of the group. Where you don't get the feeling that the whole thing is about to conflagrate.

My ex-husband who had spent years in alanon (prior to marrying me), used to call it "removing myself from the situation." It would be silly (and dangerous) for me to continue to attend the group where I feel so uncomfortable. I can easily just not go there. I live in a major metropolitan area. There are over 1,000 meetings a week in this metro area. I don't need to go to one I don't like.

Update on my hip/leg/knee/tibialis/ankle pain. It still hurts like hell. But I think I know now that the pain is actually coming from my left acetabulum. I will likely go to my doctor on Monday, unless I get some miraculous relief from the pain this weekend. But it hasn't happened yet. When you are a runner, it doesn't make sense to run to the doc with every pain, because you get lots of them, and most of them resolve themselves. But when rest doesn't get rid of the pain, there is something going on. That is why I wanted to take three days of rest to see what happens. 1 down, 2 to go. We shall see.... Thanks for your prayers. I do appreciate them.

"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 116

A Friday Off

After I got my big deal done yesterday and all approved and put to bed, so to speak, I talked to my boss about taking today off. He was fine with that, as I knew he would be.

I am in so much pain, I am not really clear on what is going on. I think it might be that I am so tired that my body just can't take it any more. So, this weekend I have three days off. I don't have anything on a schedule or calendar, or even in my mind, to do. I may get to the pool at the club, and I might hit the hot tub. Maybe.

I had hoped to get to a meeting this morning, but the pain woke me up at 2:30 and I have been awake since. I just ate a bowl of cereal and took a motrin and hope to get back to bed and sleep for a few hours. I will go to a meeting tonight, which is held at my church, and coincides with a fish dinner and some other church function.... if I feel better I will go to all of that.

Yesterday my trouble daughter called me at work (which always frightens me), and asked if she and my beautiful granddaughter could come over to my house after work. After I said yes, she called her brother and he came over too! I felt so crappy I didn't cook, so we ordered pizza and sat around and talked and got Olivia's homework done. It was a wonderful evening.

A couple of people have asked me questions this week - I will answer them now:
How do you fire a sponsor? You tell that person, in the nicest way possible, that this is not working out, that you have found someone else you think would work out better, or whatever your reason is for not wanting that sponsor anymore. My sponsee on Tuesday said that she felt that I was too busy, she didn't want to meet on Tuesdays because she has a meeting she wants to attend on Tuesday and I didn't have any other time for her. So she will ask someone else to be her sponsor.

What is a caucus? It is sort of a public meeting - where you raise your hand to be counted for the presidential candidate you want to be the nominee from your party. Very over simplistic, but in a nut shell, that is what it is. I was in a classroom in an elementary school with 46 other people of my party from my precinct. It was kind of crazy. But very cool to be part of the process.

If you're the praying type, please say a prayer for me, OK. This pain is really coloring my world an ominous shade of gray.

Thursday Morning

It is very early. Again, I have four minutes to write.

The picture is from my run yesterday morning. I went out just as day was breaking. It was 15 degrees and a beautiful morning in a special Colorado kind of way. The air is very special when it's a mile high and crisp and dry. I spent the rest of the day in pain. I don't know why I felt great after a 7 mile run on Sunday, but was dying after a 2 mile run on Wednesday.

So, I am off to church. Then I have another very full day ahead. If things go well, a lot of pressure should be off of me after today. I have a huge presentation to make, and believe me, I have gotten all "prayed up" on this one!

Have a great sober day everyone.

6 Minutes

Let's see how much I can write in 6 minutes.... I have to get out of here for a run... then I need to go to church because it is Ash Wednesday... then I need to work all day... then I have NOTHING to do tonight after work! Nada! Zip!

Last night a sponsee I have written about here came over. I have been praying every day that I given insight into what to do with her. Last night she fired me!! Woo Hoo!!! YAY!!! And then there were 2. And I am not going to call the women I have told "no" and say "Hey! I have one hour of my life free - let's fill it up!"

Then I went to the caucus. It was nice to be a part of the process, but I thought the company I was keeping was kind of scary. Maybe I am not aligned with the right party? I like to actually think things through and not talk in slogans and one line zingers. I guess I will pray about this too!

God sure does a splendid job of running my life - if I will calm down and let Him!

Snowy Super Tuesday

I took this photo while driving home from Biblical School last night. It was and is scary out there. Now I just looked out the window and imagine my surprise to see my neighbor shoveling my sidewalk!

Did you ever not notice how corrosive something was until it was gone? I had a neighbor who was a friend of mine. She met "Mr. Right" (number 4) and then I was no longer on her radar as a friend or even acquaintance. She moved away a few months ago, and suddenly the whole neighborhood has changed. She had created such ill will that the ill will extended to me because I was her friend. Suddenly, now that she is gone, people I just thought were kind of jerky are nice to me! It is a much more pleasant place now that she is gone. People can park where they want without being yelled at, notes left on their cars, or other ridiculous behavior. She had such a thing about cars not parking in front of her house that once she actually got into car parked in front of her house and let off the parking brake and let it roll until it was in front of someone else's house.

Anyway, what a nice thing it is to see that someone shoveled my sidewalk. Not just because now I don't have to do it. It is such an act of kindness. I feel all warm inside knowing that the neighbor who didn't talk to me for 5 or 6 years just shoveled my sidewalk!

Tonight I have a sponsee coming over at 5, then I am heading out of here at 6:30 for my first caucus. Right now the idea of being active all day until 9 o'clock p.m. just does not appeal. I wish I could work until, say, noon, come home and take a nap and THEN maybe get ready for my evening activities.

I am a tired girl. This teaching is kicking my butt. Working 6 days a week and then having homework is hard. Add to that, I am TAKING a class every week, and that I am training to run a marathon... and my job is in high gear... I am tired and feel quite old. The class I am teaching will be over in a month and I am happy about that.

"Here we learned that trouble was really a fact of life for everybody -- a fact that had to be understood and dealt with. Surprisingly, we found that our troubles could, under God's grace, be converted into unimagined blessings." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 110

Hope

My pals Pammie and Scott both wrote about hope this morning. I thought I would too.

Pam wrote about her daughter wanting to hear something in a meeting that gives her hope. Not a bunch of people sitting around talking about the good old days. Projecting my own experience on this, and not really knowing what she was talking about, I will go with the concept of people talking about the good old days in AA, and not sharing about what the hell is going on in their lives.

It is the strangest thing to sit in a meeting and realize that the "old-timers" in the meeting are sober not as long as I am. They sit and puff up their chests and talk about " the old club," and "the old people" and the old events of 20 years ago. They talk about remembering other people's kids when they were little, and other people when they "came in." When this happens, I just try to keep my mouth shut. I am limited to sharing my OWN experience, strength, and hope. That's it.

I love to hear the drunkalogues. Unlike a lot of people, I love the drinking stories. It reminds us of why we bother to go to all these meetings!

But then I think we should move into - what happened, and what we are like now. We don't stop with what we were like in our first 90 days or year - and talk about that for the rest of our lives. My ex-husband used to have a little saying about people like that - he would say "He has a good year of sobriety - he has just repeated it for the last X number of years."

Sometimes I feel like a moron for sharing from my heart about what it is REALLY like for me today. I did not graduate from AA. Unlike many others with over 20 years of sobriety, I did not elevate to some higher form of recovery where I come to tell you all what to do. I am part of the fellowship of AA. Part of. Not above, not below. Just right in there with all of us.

There are those who love to hear from the old-timers who talk about the old days and never tell you that their marriage is falling apart, they are about to go bankrupt, and their kids hate them. I guess as long as they are helping someone, they playing an important role in our fellowship. But I would rather share my own true story. Some don't think that is hopeful - they fully expect to elevate to a higher life form after a number of years of sobriety.

I think the most hopeful thing I can say is: For over 23 years, no matter what has happened, good or bad, I have not found it necessary to take a drink of alcohol. Is there more than that? Yes. My life is very good today, many dreams have been realized in my life, and my life is very full. But am I just as sober if my life is falling apart and I am still not taking a drink? Yes. I had many years where my life was basically a nightmare, and I still did not take a drink - and that to me speaks volumes about the true hope of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Super Bowl Sunday

I went for a seven mile run after the meeting and coffee this morning. I went to a park with extensive trails on which to run. It was really fun. I am only hurting a little bit (so far).

I am looking forward to doing not much else today. Yesterday I had school all day, then I went to church, then I went to a social event for my AA group. It was all good stuff, but I am simply tired. I really need a day or two off.

So, who's going to win the Super Bowl? Wouldn't it be something if the Giants won? If I were a betting woman, I would put a few bucks on that. But I am not a betting woman, and those of you who are betting people probably realize why - after reading that last sentence.

Have a great sober Sunday everyone. Lots of people will get DUIs today and end up in jail. Chances are, if you don't have a drink, you won't get drunk. And usually if you don't get drunk, you don't end up in jail. Usually.

Still thinking about Alaska...

Thinking about running 26.2 miles. Thinking about the training. Thinking about my nephew.

I thought long and hard about writing this here, and have decided after a couple of days of thinking about it, to share it with y'all.

The nephew who lives in Alaska is one of my favorites. I have four nephews, and I love each of them in their own way, but I am closer to a couple of them. This nephew is one I am closer to. We lived in the same small town in New Mexico when he was little - and I was younger. He got to witness a lot of my drinking.

When he called on Wednesday night - he sounded very serious. He said he wanted to talk with me about a "couple of things." The first was that he and his wife were very excited about me coming to visit. The second was: He kind of cleared his throat, his voice got kind of funny, and he told me he got a book... a "big" book. It took me a beat to realize what he was saying to me. I had no idea. I do have one or two nephews I think have drinking problems, he is not one of them. He said he hid it well... which I understand, that was the kind of drinker I was.

He is on a business trip and had a black out on Sunday night and has no idea what happened. (Oh, dear Lord, that is the worst feeling in the world, I can remember it so well!) He said his drinking has been getting worse and worse, and he had recently quit for 6 months. I told him no one other than alcoholics quit drinking - they don't need to! Anyway, he is going to be back at home this weekend and will go to his first face to face meeting. He has already picked it out of the directory.

In 2008, it is different. He has already read the big book, and doesn't even own one! He has attended a bunch of online meetings, and has a feel for the lingo and what we are about. I do believe he will attend a meeting this weekend and get serious about staying sober. You know how you can just tell when someone is done drinking? That is what he sounded like. I might just be indulging in wishful thinking for my beloved nephew, but I don't think so.

I think it is funny that I wrote on Monday morning that it was just an ordinary day, some people would be born, some would die, etc., and finally, some would come to AA and get sober. Apparently on that day, it was my sweet little (38 year old) nephew who got sober.

When these things happen to my loved ones, I think about that first meeting he will attend. And realize that every day, we see the precious loved ones of others. I always try to see that the new lady with the dirty hair is someone's daughter, someone's niece. That cute new guy with the tattoos and piercings is someone's brother. It is important. We obscure our lovableness in our years of our disease, but we need to be able to dig down and see it in others.

Such an exciting day

Yesterday I registered for the Mayor's Midnight Sun Marathon in Anchorage, Alaska on June 21, 2008 - the longest day of the year. I am so excited about this.

After a long and grueling day at work, where I nearly burst into tears of frustration at a meeting, I went to a faculty function. It was such fun to socialize with peers and people I am still coming to terms with the fact that they are my peers... former teachers, former bosses, etc. It is great fun. I spoke with the director of the program I am teaching in, and we discussed me going to Ethiopia to teach! That is about the most exciting thing ever - I am certainly not counting on this happening, but is sure is fun to think about. They need people who have the expertise to teach and the ability to take 2 or 3 weeks off to go to Ethiopia. Wow. I could do that! We'll see if it comes to pass.

I am extremely tired this morning, but I shall go out and run anyway. I am training for a Marathon!

I will get to an AA meeting tonight.

OK. I avoid politics like the plague on this blog, but I have CNN playing in the living room, while I am in my office. I can't help but notice that they cannot resist defining human beings as "A Woman and an African American!" Imagine! A WOMAN and an AFRICAN AMERICAN! Have we made NO PROGRESS AT ALL?!?!?! How about 2 candidates? 2 human beings? 2 senators? - sorry for my little outburst.