Twenty-nine years ago today I was raped. I know that in 2010, it is more commonly referred to as "sexual assault." That term means nothing to me. That term is so broad, I think it means nothing to anyone. It sure does sound nicer than "rape" though.
After the rape, I entered therapy. The therapist encouraged me to write about my experiences since I had a flair for self-expression - especially when I sat at home at night and drank excessive amounts of alcohol. I ended up writing a "book" about my experiences. I think it is ironic that 29 years later, sitting here this morning, I am writing about this book, and the book was about me not wanting the rape to define me or change me.
Oh, it changed me.
In the last year I have been in therapy again to deal with post traumatic stress disorder from this. Imagine that. Twenty-nine years later. I am dealing with phantom fears. Not wanting to be as close as some people would like. Avoiding certain men after meetings because I know they don't want an AA hug, but want to plant a kiss on my lips and it makes me want to vomit.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand.... I was a young (drunken) woman, fighting with my husband, thrown out of my house... I wrote most of it here if you are curious. At that time, I thought I was over it. I thought it was a distant memory. Something that happened when I was drinking. But you know what they say... More Will Be Revealed.
I don't feel like I know much this morning, but I can tell you this: If you stay sober for a while and your sobriety is a living, breathing, organic thing - which is what I want my sobriety to be - you will not arrive at sobriety one day and presto! you are done. I still have growing and changing to do.
God is not done with me yet. And I am very very grateful for that.
9 comments:
I want my sobriety to be a living, breathing, organic thing, too. Thank you for showing me how you do it by so freely sharing your experience, strength and hope.
I hope that He is not done with me yet either. I wish that we could all be much kinder to each other and that there were not so many sick people in the rooms. But I don't think God is done with them either.
what a beautiful honest post. thank you for sharing your experience, and reminding us that our work in sobriety is never done. I pray that God will guide me until the end. thank you for sharing.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that experience, Mary.
I hope I never think that I am "finished" getting sober or growing.
Yikes. I accept that "More Will Be Revealed", even if I don't like it. Because as you say, it's necessary for us to continue to grow and change.
Thank you for a powerful post.
Kim from sAn Antonio
"At that time, I thought I was over it. I thought it was a distant memory. Something that happened when I was drinking. But you know what they say... More Will Be Revealed."
Oh yes, me too. Over several things. And more is revealed, when I am ready to deal with it all I believe.
I guess you know you're not alone. I don't remember the exact date, but it was the week before Thanksgiving 1980 for me. I tried to pretend it didn't happen, etc. etc. I didn't discuss it with ANYONE until about 7 years ago now. We're ready to heal when we're ready to heal.
i know exactly what you mean about avoiding certain men after meetings. some of them are a good reminder that sober does not mean perfect.
God bless and hugs to you!
Thank you for sharing this and I am so sorry the trauma was retriggered for you.
One of the most inspiring things about AA is how many of us have survived rape and stayed sober despite the trauma and fear that follows.
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