25 years ago today, I was abducted and raped. God, that looks ugly even now. Even all these years later, that is a wound that is healed, but has left a scar.
On a Saturday afternoon in a small town in New Mexico, drinking beer and washing the car, I had a fight with my husband. He locked me out of the house. I was dressed in a tube top (it WAS 1981!) and a pair of cut offs - what would be called Daisy Dukes now. I pounded on the doors, trying to get him to let me in and attracted a lot of attention from the neighbor children. I was embarrassed, so I took off. On foot. On bare feet. I walked across town to my brother's house, and went to the rodeo with them that night. Obviously I had to have a few more beers and then had a fight with my sister-in-law and took off on foot again! On my way home, I stopped at a bar for a few more beers and to dance a little bit. When the bar closed, I started walking home -- and the rest is history.
Imagine my amazement when I realized that I could not prosecute this case! It seems nobody is very concerned with a violent crime perpetrated on a drunken housewife out walking around in the middle of the night in a tube top and cut offs. And so began the last 3 years of my drinking. I drank around the clock and left the house only to go to the grocery store, the public library, and the liquor store. It was unmitigated hell. Please dear God, may I never forget that.
Today, I am 25 years older, but eons younger than that young woman. Today I have the freedom to not ever have to try to explain what I was doing on a drunken day and night. Today I am not a victim just waiting for what next tragedy will befall me. By admitting utter defeat, I am given a life worth living. By surrendering completely, I am able to walk with my head held just right - not high, and not hung low - just looking straight ahead with hope. I am just fine knowing I am one of God's kids and he loves me. And so do a bunch of other people, and I love them too!
"...as a practicing alcoholic I had no rights. Society can do anything it chooses to do with me when I am drunk and I can't lift a finger to stop it, for I forfeit my rights through the simple expedient of becoming a menace to myself and to the people around me." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 549