25 years ago today, I was abducted and raped. God, that looks ugly even now. Even all these years later, that is a wound that is healed, but has left a scar.
On a Saturday afternoon in a small town in New Mexico, drinking beer and washing the car, I had a fight with my husband. He locked me out of the house. I was dressed in a tube top (it WAS 1981!) and a pair of cut offs - what would be called Daisy Dukes now. I pounded on the doors, trying to get him to let me in and attracted a lot of attention from the neighbor children. I was embarrassed, so I took off. On foot. On bare feet. I walked across town to my brother's house, and went to the rodeo with them that night. Obviously I had to have a few more beers and then had a fight with my sister-in-law and took off on foot again! On my way home, I stopped at a bar for a few more beers and to dance a little bit. When the bar closed, I started walking home -- and the rest is history.
Imagine my amazement when I realized that I could not prosecute this case! It seems nobody is very concerned with a violent crime perpetrated on a drunken housewife out walking around in the middle of the night in a tube top and cut offs. And so began the last 3 years of my drinking. I drank around the clock and left the house only to go to the grocery store, the public library, and the liquor store. It was unmitigated hell. Please dear God, may I never forget that.
Today, I am 25 years older, but eons younger than that young woman. Today I have the freedom to not ever have to try to explain what I was doing on a drunken day and night. Today I am not a victim just waiting for what next tragedy will befall me. By admitting utter defeat, I am given a life worth living. By surrendering completely, I am able to walk with my head held just right - not high, and not hung low - just looking straight ahead with hope. I am just fine knowing I am one of God's kids and he loves me. And so do a bunch of other people, and I love them too!
"...as a practicing alcoholic I had no rights. Society can do anything it chooses to do with me when I am drunk and I can't lift a finger to stop it, for I forfeit my rights through the simple expedient of becoming a menace to myself and to the people around me." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 549
10 comments:
That brought tears to my eyes.
Not out of pity but of admiration.
You are something wonderful.
I am lost for more words than that other than to say ....
Thank you for sharing ~
There is so much I want to say, but I think I can best say it with you have really come a long way. I am so grateful for being able to see that growth in you. Once again you have proven that we can get sober and stay sober regardless of anything that happens in our lives.
Well now......is you or is you ani't an real alcoholic? My guess is you are......I'm glad alcohol kicked your know what....love Diego
When I first read your post this afternoon, I could not comment because Blogger was screwing up. Thanks for sharing!
I had a hard time commenting earlier too MC
I just love you, I am sorry that happened to you... I can tell from your post, you have healed, but you are right something like this does leave a scar
xoxoxoxo
Shit MC.......I can only imagine. I love you sista!
I see you,
JJ
I tried too as Trudge to post yesterday but blogger was out of commision.
You have so much courage MC to share this with us. Thank you. There has been so much healing all of these years and have tranquility to your pain borne from this part in your life -- your are a beautiful child of God.
{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Christine}}}}}}}}}} You are a resilient, god-loving, woman and it shows. You are one of God's children and it is wonderful to have found you on this path.
I like how you exemplify the whole, we are no better we are no worse sort of thing by acknowledging that you hold your head just right... not too high and not hung low.
Thank you.
thank you for saying it out loud and having such courage to share yourself with us.
I've been following your blog as of late, even though I've had a recent relapse, 5 days back. You are such an inspiration to me and yet, I drink. So, I will take your advice and utterly surrender to this horrendous disease that I have. Thank you for being you, and a part of AA.
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