Friday, June 30, 2006


A certain sweet man brought me flowers yesterday. All wrapped up in florist's paper. I don't know if there is anything more feminine feeling than unwrapping the flowers, finding a vase, cutting the ends off the flowers and arranging them.

My daughter and son decided not to drive through last night. I was glad because my daughter had driven 14 hours on Weds., and then turned around and was driving back, only on the way back she had her brother to share the driving, and to keep her company. So, I will get to see my son today. I asked him if he had any food requests and the only thing he asked for was "Chocolate Lucky Charms" - (YIKES!), I bought organic whole milk because that is what he likes. Today I will get other food requests - I hope he wants me to make pizza. That is another feminine joy, walking through the grocery store purchasing food for your children... even if the "child" is going to be 30 in August and heading off to war. Okay, I am getting better at staying in the moment, but I haven't got it exactly down!

This is my last day of vacation. I have had a fantastic vacation. I am usually anxious to get back to work after a week, but I have thoroughly enjoyed my time off this time. Hopefully I can go back to work with a refreshed attitude.

"The other steps can keep most of us sober and somehow functioning. But Step Eleven can keep us growing, if we try hard and work at it continually." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 264

Thursday, June 29, 2006

I have legs and arms..

But my back hurts. The 18 mile bike ride yesterday kicked my a**. Biking is usually the best part of the triathlon for me, but this year I am not in good biking shape. I can swim the 750 meters easily (just did it this morning), and I can run the 5K, but the biking 20K is going to take some work. That bike accident last summer really messed me up. I have a little over a month to get ready for the tri, I know I can do it if I really work, but it is not going to come easily. I was reminded by a sweet person yesterday that I COULD do the triathlon today if I needed to, and that is true. I could do it. It just would hurt like hell. He said that is exactly why everyone isn't doing triathlons.

Went to see "Click" yesterday afternoon. It was wonderful to go to a movie in the middle of the afternoon and then to dinner before there were many people in the restaurant. I hope this is what retirement will be like some day. Once again, I was reminded that my reactions to things are not usually like others... I thought the movie was profoundly sad, I was crying and had to grab a handkerchief out of my purse to try to dab delicately at the tears streaming down my face, and sniff pitifully into my starched hankie. Yikes. The movie is a freaking comedy! My Sweetheart thought it was a cute comedy with a weird part in it that didn't make sense.

My son should be home later on tonight. I am so looking forward to seeing him, but I am having a hard time staying in the present. I really can't think about seeing him without thinking about saying goodbye to my only son as he leaves to go to war. Oh my God. Thank God for AA and this way of life, or I am sure I would absolutely lose my mind. I know that by the grace of God, I can get through anything, one second at a time if necessary.

"Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world. We are no longer lost and frightened and purposeless. The moment we catch even a glimpse of God's will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs. We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 105

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Look Who I saw!

At the clubhouse in Savannah!

Today is Bike to Work Day in Colorado. Even though I am on vacation, I am going to bike in to work. I am the site coordinator for the hospital, so I thought it might be nice if I showed up. I promised the person who so kindly volunteered to do the work today, buying the juice and bagels, and setting it up, etc. that I would at least show up for an hour. It will be super nice to ride to work, visit a bit, and then ride back home!!! It's 18 miles roundtrip, so it won't be a bad workout. This afternoon my sweetheart (yep, he is my sweetheart) is taking me to a movie and an early dinner.

"Let us never fear needed change. Certainly we have to discriminate between changes for worse and changes for better. But once a need becomes clearly apparent in an individual, in a group, or in AA as a whole, it has long since been found out that we cannot stand still and look the other way.

The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 115

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Home Sweet Home

I made it home, safe and sound, last night. I am so grateful to be home. I love driving my own car, being in my own house, using my own washing machine, eating my own food out of my own refrigerator, and being where I really truly feel I belong. And I got to see my sweetheart last night!

I went to the gym this morning and ran 2 miles on the treadmill. On the way home I stopped at the store for some soda, yogurt, and other essentials. The date on the yogurt lid is the day of the TRIATHLON! Oh my, there it was, August 6, 2006. I guess that is pretty close. I better start training at little bit more intensely.

I am just so profoundly glad to be home. And to me, that is almost the whole point of taking a vacation. I don't have to go back to work until July 3, so I have some time to just chill.

My son may or may not be home on Thursday. He called on Friday and said that he may not be leaving for Iraq until August, and if his departure is delayed until August, his leave will also be delayed. I will be happy to see him, whenever it is.

"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 98

Monday, June 26, 2006

Leaving Savannah

I am getting ready to go home! I will be very happy to set foot back on my own little part of the world. Where the air is dry as a bone and crisp when it hits your skin. Doesn't sound good, does it? But one can get used to it...

I just got back from the Early Birds meeting in Savannah. I have never been greeted so warmly at an out of town meeting. I was so impressed with that group! They even asked me to give a lead - strange language for this Denver person... we don't do that in Denver. So I talked for about 10 minutes. It was good for me to do that. It was amazing to me that everyone in that group got to share this morning. I go to groups where there are always at least 2 or 3 blowhards who MUST talk for 15 to 20 minutes, and then the new guy or lady never gets to share. Anyway, it was great to be there, and Thanks Again Mark W. for getting me the 411.

Next post will be from Denver, Colorado, USA.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Sunday Evening

Here it is, Sunday Evening. I am absolutely exhausted and headachey. I am not particularly a good traveler. It has been a HUGE weekend. It was nice, but I will be thrilled to be home tomorrow.

The birthday party was wonderful yesterday. To spend time with my family is truly a blessing. Particulary my niece who will be 11 years sober on August 15. We had a great time visiting on the boat and then on the beach yesterday. The boat ride was more than anyone bargained for... very wild and a little scary. I still have a touch of vertigo from it!

My niece and I sat next to each other at church this morning. When everyone held hands and said the Lord's Prayer, it had special meaning to us. I squeezed her hand and whispered "keep coming back!" and she giggled. It was wonderful to look at a whole pew in church being taken by my family. I am so unaccustomed to being with my brothers and sister. It was really nice.

My wardrobe has been fine, which is a relief. That IS, after all, the important thing you know.

Thanks to Mark W. for hooking me up with meeting info. I am going to go to the 7:30 a.m. meeting tomorrow. It will be good to be sitting in one of those seats I have earned - in spades.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Found a Computer!

There is a computer here in the hotel, so I guess you aren't rid of me for a few days after all!

It is wonderful to be here with my family. We had a glorious time last night sitting outside on my brother's deck, looking at a beautiful sunset over beautiful water.... water that is such a rare sight for someone from the arid west. We are leaving on boats in a little while to go to an island. Fun!

The flight was amazing. Every single seat on the plane was full. Seated next to me - please do not laugh, this is NOT a joke - was a woman with Tourette's Disorder. She had it very severely. She screamed intermittently throughout the flight. Then she cried because she felt so bad about being so socially unacceptable. Then she threw up.

And here was my reaction to that: I thanked God from the bottom of my heart that he thought enough of me to place this woman next to me out of all the people on that airplane. It really was a spiritual experience. I held the woman's hand, and rubbed her back while she was throwing up. I reassured her that she was fine and there was no reason to apologize to anyone. And did I worry about my anxiety about flying for one second during that flight? No. Absolutely not.

I think there is probably an opportunity for service in every moment of our lives if we will be open to the idea...

I am going to attempt a quote here - with no book, so I have no page number - sorry, this is off the top of my head...

"Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed."

Friday, June 23, 2006

Leaving on a jet plane

I did not sleep much last night. I am excited about the trip, but also anxious. I don't like flying. But it does give me a good reason to do some serious meditation - which always works to alleviate my anxiety.

I don't think I will be able to post while I am gone. If I find a stray computer, I will though.

Have a great weekend everybody. I will be back on Tuesday if not before.

"There is only one sure test of all spiritual experiences: 'By their fruits, ye shall know them.' This is why I think we should question no one's transformation - whether it be sudden or gradual. Nor should we demand anyone's special type for ourselves, because experience suggests that we are apt to receive whatever may be the most useful for our own needs." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 281

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Taking a Trip....

Got to take my books with me.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my boss and got everything approved that I thought I never would. So some new stuff at work will be rolling out on July 1. I feel so happy about this. Today I just have to wrap up a few things and clean up my desk and take care of the stuff you do when you go on vacation... put a voice mail on the phone that says I will be back on July 3, do an e-mail response that says I will be back on July 3, etc.

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 82

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Green Shoes!

I found them and they are cute! And they match the blouse I was trying to match. Yippeeee! Thanks for the wonderful suggestions about spray paint yesterday. You guys rock! Now I have noticed another cultural phenomenon.... younger people tend to think these are "nice" shoes, because they are cute, and have sequins. People "my" age tend to think they are "flip flops." I will always try to err on the side of youth, besides I have looked absolutely everywhere and this is absolutely the only pair I could find in this shade.

I am getting so dang excited about my vacation. I should be seeing the man either tonight or tomorrow - he thinks all my shopping activities are cute... that is a good thing.

"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 102

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Shorter week

Oh my goodness. Trying to get ready to take a vacation is a lot of work! I have a huge amount of work to do at work. It doesn't help that I have timed my vacation to coincide with the end of the fiscal year... so essentially I have taken a week off the end of my fiscal year and I need to have everything done by Thursday afternoon when I leave.

Also, I NEED green shoes, dammit! I cannot find the proper shade of green shoes! I may be forced to wear black shoes to my brother's birthday party in Savannah. Oh my. I have one more place to try for the proper hue of green shoes tonight. Last night, I purchased a new swimming suit.... something we women just love doing. Standing in a fitting room, looking at all the imperfections of our bodies. Thank God for the fact that I have been going to the tanning salon since January. A good tan hides many, many flaws.

I am going to go to the 6:30 a.m. meeting this morning, which I usually only do on the weekends. But I am concerned about getting my regular meetings after work this week, and I know I won't be at my regular meetings this weekend. I don't want to go off to a weekend with my family - who almost all drink a LOT - and not be "meeting'd up". Thankfully, one of my nieces is a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I just love her and I cannot wait to see her. I think she has over 10 years now.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Short Week

I only have to work 4 days this week and then I am going on vacation! I leave on Friday morning for Savannah, GA, USA. I am very excited about seeing my family, getting out of town, and getting away from work for over a week. I will be back from Savannah next Monday, but I took that entire week off of work - just to kick back.

Yesterday walking across the campus of my Alma Mater, on my way to the class I am auditing, I had a bit of an epiphany. That is probably wild overstatement and hyperbole, but oh well. I recalled the first time I walked across the campus and into the building my class was in yesterday. The first time was in early 1997, I had an interview to see if they would accept me into their program. I was so nervous. I was sober 13 years, but still had that feeling that they would "find out" about me and never allow me to attend their prestigious University. But they did let me in, and I excelled, in fact, I graduated in 2000 "Magna Cum Laude". I missed Summa Cum Laude by only a fraction of a grade point. And then I went on to get my masters degree in 2001, all of this while working full time. I say this not to impress anyone, but because I am still astounded. I had spent 40 some years of my life convinced I was lazy and stupid!

I was also convinced of many other untruths. Little by little, as I stay sober, one day at a time, I hope that all of my untruths will be revealed and I will get to be the woman God intended me to be.

"When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 52

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Back to School

I am getting ready to go to school today. I am auditing a graduate level Biostatistics class at my Alma Mater. I will be in the classroom from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. today. Right now I cannot imagine what I was thinking when I signed up for this! I SO don't want to go do this. But I will and most likely I will enjoy it immensely.

Happy Father's Day to all of you men and women. These days can sometimes feel like the worst days of all to some of us. These can be days when the rest of the world looks like a wonderful place, and we are standing on the outside, forever looking in. I miss my dad terribly. I find that I talk about him almost every day. I will remember some little thing he used to say. I think it is days like these when it is most important to be around the fellowship, where we are likely to be around people who have had the same kinds of family problems, and we may find that our problems are small in comparison.

I better get going if I am going to get to my home group before I get to school.

"First things First
Live and Let Live
Easy Does It."
-- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 135

Saturday, June 17, 2006

I love Saturday Mornings

This one especially. It is cool, only 63 degrees, there is the lovely breeze floating through my lace curtains I am always talking about. It is after seven, I have only just woken up, and still have my nightgown on.

I had a wonderful evening last night. It was a perfect night to go downtown - it was not hot, it was not cool. I could wear a sleeveless top and a pair of capris and be perfectly comfortable. The fact that I had at least one arm around me most of the time didn't hurt at all....

Which leads me to the past, I have written about how public I think a blog is. As anyone who has read this for a while knows, I don't mind spilling my own guts all over the place - because it just might help someone else. However, I almost feel disloyal to this wonderful man to be writing about him without his knowledge or consent. As someone who has spent a lifetime working around health information, I know that I have not crossed the line by using his name or any other identifying information. However, emotionally, I think I better be really careful here. He is such a upright, solid, steady, kind, and GOOD man, I want to do nothing to dishonor him. I will be careful when I write about him.

We are going to a movie tonight. And then I have school all day tomorrow. On a Sunday in June, I am going to be sitting in a classroom from 9 to 4, brushing up my Biostatistics skills. Sheesh. There is something very wrong with this picture!

Today I am going to take a bike ride. As I said, it is a beautiful day. All the way around, just beautiful, a wonderful day to be a sober woman, alive in God's world.

"We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

Friday, June 16, 2006

Friday, June 16, 2006

It's Friday Morning! I am going to go to the gym, run 2.5 miles (please note the POINT in there, not 25 miles; 2 point 5 miles.) come back home, get ready for work.... go to work, and at the end of the day...come home, get dolled up, and go out on the town with the MAN! Oh, I cannot wait! Just please dear God, keep me away from any further retail opportunities today. I have been spending money like I have it.... I cannot continue to purchase a new outfit for every single time I go out with him. It is especially funny since he has no idea what is new clothes and what has been hanging in my closet for years! And the trips to Victoria's Secret have got to STOP! Okay. Enough!

I got to see my sponsee last night for the first time in several weeks. That was good. She has been working almost around the clock on a house she and her partner bought - to fix up and sell. They put it on the market this week. I hope they can sell it at quickly and at a good price. I am so grateful to have those two women in my life.

I am feeling like a 16 year old kid this morning. I better get on with my day. And thank God for it.

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 86

Thursday, June 15, 2006

It's a heat wAAve!

So I am wearing my new boxers. Aren't they cute?

The open water swim was so excellent yesterday. It was 102 degrees outside, the sun was shining, and I don't think there could have been a better motivator to hop in some really, really cold water. The water was ice cold and clean. The wind kicked up though, so by the time we had put in a half hour of swimming, there were actually white caps and we needed to quit. We were both tired though and we had only planned on swimming for a half hour. My friend is such a jock, and so young, and only weighs about 3 lbs., that she is usually just so patient with my elderly-ness when we are biking or running. But when we are swimming, I actually was faster! And I actually could stop and offer HER a word of support and some tips on how to swim in open water without drowning. What fun!

The wonderful man needed to cancel our date last night, so we are scheduled to see each other tonight. I am getting more and more OK with this. It is hard to "date" when you are 54 years old, have been married three times, have had horrible experiences with men, and have pretty much decided to be alone for the rest of your life. Then along comes a man who is way more than I ever even dreamed. So, one day at a time, one date at a time, praying every day for God to either Bless it or Block it, I will try to enjoy this for what it is and not what it isn't.

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.' We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burining up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 87, 88

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Happy Flag Day

Or is this just another excuse to post a picture of my front porch?

Today I am going for an open water swim in a reservoir after work with my friend the rec therapist. (The triathlon is on August 6, and my training has got to step up a notch or two.) It should be fun to swim... but very very cold. But with temperatures getting into the high nineties every single day, I guess the cold will feel good. Then after the swim, I have a date with the wonderful man.

It is also getting down to the wire with the trip to Savannah. I still have to rent a car. My sister wanted me to stay in a room with her and I told her I would get my own, and she had hurt feelings! But I hate sharing a room with someone! Hate! Hate! Hate! It would be nice to save that $400., but I don't want to have a miserable time.

I will get back from Savannah on the 26th, and my son will be home on leave for 11 days starting on the 29th. It will be so good to see him. He is staying here at my house! Yay! Then he will be shipping out (literally) for Iraq. He will spend 32 days on a ship... he is going with the equipment. God help me please.

"...all alcoholics should constantly have chocolate available for its quick energy value at times of fatique." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 134

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Happy Birthday Sober Chick!

Sober Chick has one year of sobriety today! To see 365 days - all in a row - sober, one trip around the sun.... it is a miracle.

"If you are honestly trying to live the way you believe God wants you to live, you can get guidance from God in times of quiet communion with Him, provided your thoughts are directed towards God's will and all good things. The attitude of "Thy will, not mine, be done" leads to clear guidance." -- Twenty-Four Hours a Day, Meditation for the Day, June 13.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Monday June 12

I really do like Monday mornings. I will get to the gym just as it is opening, have a nice run, come back home and get ready for another productive week at work. I actually have some homework to do this week! On Sunday, I am starting a summer class. I am auditing a graduate level Biostatistics class at my Alma Mater. I am so excited about this. It will help me with my job and I just love statistics so it will be fun. I have been out of school for 5 years, so I know it will be hard to sit in a classroom all day on a Sunday, but it will be good. The class only meets 3 times, the rest of the work is done online.

Yesterday I went to my daughter's house for lunch. I got a glimmer of hope when I heard something she told my granddaughter. The little one was crying because one of her friends hurt her feelings. She had silent little tears streaming down her face as we were eating lunch. My daughter listened sympathetically for a while and then told her daughter this: "when I feel really bad, if I do something for someone else it helps me to forget about myself and then I feel better!" In just that one sentence, I saw so much hope for my daughter - and her family.

I had a terrible attack of fear yesterday morning. I have not felt this way in so long, it is so unfamiliar to me. I don't like it one little bit. But I guess when you step outside of your comfort zone, it can be frightening. I am very glad to report that today I am not in fear.

"We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.

Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Sunday Morning

Just took a swim. It is beautiful outside. I don't know what I am doing today. I am awaiting a call or e-mail from the new man. We are supposed to be getting together this afternoon.


I'm fine, really. Fine. Just fine. No fear here. Feeling vulnerable and exposed is just fine with me, I can handle it.

"When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 53

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Happy 71st Birthday Alcoholics Anonymous

"On the way to City Hospital on the east side of town, Dr. Bob held out his hand from time to time to see whether the shakes had subsided. Just before they stopped, Bill, who also had his practical side, gave him a bottle of beer....

Although arguments have been and will be made for other significant occasions in AA history, it is generally agreed that Alcoholics Anonymous began there, in Akron, on that date: June 10, 1935." -- Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, p. 75

Thank God we live in an age when there is a solution to the terrible affliction of alcoholism.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Friday Morning

It is Friday Morning. A storm moved through yesterday afternoon and it cooled down. It is 65 degrees right now and delicious cool air is wafting through my lace curtains. The @$#@#$ parents next door came home last night, so the kids were quiet, and I got to SLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG.

I have a date with a man tonight. See? I did not have to spell it. I am praying a lot and trying not to act on fear. For this moment, I am dating a wonderful, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, handsome man. Nothing more than this. I must stop my mind when it decides to attack me.

JJ has two years today! I am so grateful to have gotten to know JJ and so many of you bloggers.

"The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 153

Thursday, June 08, 2006

hot, hot, hot

Here's my tootsies. I love getting a pedicure. And I love having little flowers on my toes.

It is going to be 96 degrees today. It has been over 90 for several days. I am not getting enough sleep. I have a big neighbor problem - and the noise is relentless at night. I also have something very exciting and frankly a little bit scary going on in my life (see the posts of the last week if you don't know what it is.) I have the AC on, and a big fan in my bedroom, but that isn't the same as having peace and quiet and cool air coming in my bedroom window.

I lose all perspective when I am not getting enough sleep. I went to the gym this morning and while running I was listening to my i-pod... and started crying. Pitiful.

"Freedom has many facets, but mostly it releases us from much that has been troubling and defeating us. We pray for this release into freedom." -- One Day at a Time in Alanon, p. 129

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

June 7, 1981

25 years ago today, I was abducted and raped. God, that looks ugly even now. Even all these years later, that is a wound that is healed, but has left a scar.

On a Saturday afternoon in a small town in New Mexico, drinking beer and washing the car, I had a fight with my husband. He locked me out of the house. I was dressed in a tube top (it WAS 1981!) and a pair of cut offs - what would be called Daisy Dukes now. I pounded on the doors, trying to get him to let me in and attracted a lot of attention from the neighbor children. I was embarrassed, so I took off. On foot. On bare feet. I walked across town to my brother's house, and went to the rodeo with them that night. Obviously I had to have a few more beers and then had a fight with my sister-in-law and took off on foot again! On my way home, I stopped at a bar for a few more beers and to dance a little bit. When the bar closed, I started walking home -- and the rest is history.

Imagine my amazement when I realized that I could not prosecute this case! It seems nobody is very concerned with a violent crime perpetrated on a drunken housewife out walking around in the middle of the night in a tube top and cut offs. And so began the last 3 years of my drinking. I drank around the clock and left the house only to go to the grocery store, the public library, and the liquor store. It was unmitigated hell. Please dear God, may I never forget that.

Today, I am 25 years older, but eons younger than that young woman. Today I have the freedom to not ever have to try to explain what I was doing on a drunken day and night. Today I am not a victim just waiting for what next tragedy will befall me. By admitting utter defeat, I am given a life worth living. By surrendering completely, I am able to walk with my head held just right - not high, and not hung low - just looking straight ahead with hope. I am just fine knowing I am one of God's kids and he loves me. And so do a bunch of other people, and I love them too!

" a practicing alcoholic I had no rights. Society can do anything it chooses to do with me when I am drunk and I can't lift a finger to stop it, for I forfeit my rights through the simple expedient of becoming a menace to myself and to the people around me." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 549

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Tuesday AM

I had a very disturbing dream last night. It was not a drunk dream - it was worse. I did not get drunk. I was sitting at a restaurant, at a large table, full of friends - nursing a large scotch and water on the rocks. In my dream, it tasted good and I was amazed at how I was not getting drunk, I was just enjoying a cocktail with friends! In my dream, I was trying to figure out how having ONE LITTLE DRINK was not going mean that I am no longer sober 21 + years. That thought woke me up.

I made it to the gym again this morning and ran 2 miles. I didn't walk much because I am taking a walk with my new fella tonight.

"We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85

Monday, June 05, 2006

Monday Morning

It is a happy Monday Morning. I feel better than a body deserves to.

I got to the gym this morning at 5:30 and hopped on the treadmill, put on my i-pod, and went to town. I decided yesterday that if I am to get my running fitness back, I am going to have to go back to square one, and do it on the treadmill - just like I did when I was starting. This morning I was able to run 2 miles, and walk 1.1, for a total of 3.1 miles, or a 5K.

I better get ready for work. I am looking forward to this week. I have a sudden cherriness that is probably not hard to explain, but I am not going to "go there" right now, thank you very much.

Thanks you bloggers. You guys and gals enrich my life in ways you couldn't begin to know.

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxvi

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Sunday Morning

Last night I actually slept all night! Following the suggestions of my new M-A-N friend, I closed all the windows and drapes, turned on the central air, put a fan in my bedroom for white noise, and prayed to sleep. I woke up at one point and just looked out the window for giggles, and sure enough, there was a party going on next door. But I just went right back to sleep. Normally I hate air conditioning and only use it on the hottest days, but it is worth using it to get some sleep.

We went to see a movie last night. We both had gotten less than 3 hours of sleep the night before. I had the party next door. He had a red haired, green eyed woman on his mind! We had both also gotten only 3 hours of sleep on Weds. night after our first date. We are both tired!

I am supposed to go take a bike ride and an open water swim with both of my daughters today. The Tri Training Trio!

"We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 25

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Saturday Afternoon

Oh Dear. I don't want to write too much about this man I went out with last night. I guess suffice it to say that I am pretty smitten. Going out to a nice restaurant downtown where I had a steak that cost what a week of groceries cost - in a lovely setting and with a man who gazes at me longingly, holds my hand across the table, and tells me I am beautiful. Well, that is pretty intoxicating - in a good way.

I was up almost all last night because frankly I was a little bit revved up by the date. But also the fact that my neighbors have taken off again and left their kids (19 and 16) alone. There was a party next door until 5:00 a.m. I told them they were standing just beneath my bedroom window and keeping me awake, but they didn't stop. The neighborhood went through this last summer with them. It was dreadful. We got to the point where we took turns calling the police. I pray tonight they will not have a party. I am exhausted!

My new M-A-N friend came over for breakfast this morning and we sat and talked until just now. We are hoping we can do something tonight. This is something that just has to be in God's hands. 'nuff said.

This morning I went to a 6:30 meeting. At the meeting was the widow of a recently deceased member. It was a tragic, untimely death. He was a wonderful man and I think everyone loved him. There was not a dry eye in the house when the widow talked in the meeting and said she just wanted to express her thanks to the group and Alcoholics Anonymous for the last 16 years of her marriage. They were happy years because he was sober. It was very moving. God Bless You Tom. I hope to see you in the big meeting in the sky some day. It seems that lately more of my friends are there than down here.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Friday Morning

I am going to tell you all a semi-secret. Only three people I know in "real life" know this. But I am going to tell my whole cyber community:

Tonight I am going out on a D-A-T-E with an M-A-N. (I have to spell it or it might terrify me to death!)

So if you are so inclined, please say a prayer for me and the M-A-N. I am glad you can't see my heart rate monitor right now because my heart is really going!

"When AA was quite young, a number of eminent psychologists and doctors made an exhaustive study of a good-sized group of so-called problem drinkers. The doctors weren't trying to find how different we were from one another; they sought to find whatever personality traits, if any, this group of alcoholics had in common. They finally came up with a conclusion that shocked the AA members of that time. These distinguished men had the nerve to say that most of the alcoholics under investigation were still childish, emotionally sensitive, and grandiose." --Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 123

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Teachable Alcoholic

If you have a second, go over and support our newest blogger! Welcome Diego!

with every heAArt beat...

I am more grateful to be sober.

"Being wrecked in the same vessel, being restored and united under one God, with hearts and minds attuned to the welfare of others, the things which matter so much to some people no longer signify much to them." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 161