Way too tired

I probably shouldn't try to write anything when I am this tired, but I will.

I was going to write more about sponsorship, but I am really too tired. I thought it was interesting that another blogger had a sponsor who was having her do all kinds of wacky psychotherapy kinds of things that had nothing to do with any kind of program - in other words, the sponsor was practicing some kind of medicine or voodoo without a license. Thank God our friend fired her, and got another sponsor.

The comments on her blog amazed me though. About "a better fit" and "being comfortable." What?

It is not about a better fit or being comfortable. It is about getting someone to help you to do the steps. Not an amateur practitioner of whatever. Just the steps.

In the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we have "conference approved literature." People love to scoff at that term. It is easy to look down on it as if we are too narrow minded to read anything that doesn't have the AA seal of approval on it. That is hardly what this means. It is literature that is really AA. Not someone's opinion (like my blog for instance). It seems that about one in three alcoholics who stays sober for more than 14 months thinks they ought to write a book about it - and then as a result there are all those books written by people - likely now drunk. Full of their wonderful nonanonymous wisdom and sage advice.

In the wonderful last words that Dr. Bob ever said to Bill W....

"Remember, Bill, let's not louse this thing up. Let's keep it simple!' -- Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, p. 343

Back to night posts

Back to the work-a-day-world tomorrow. I must be up long before dawn to get a work out in and then get to work on time and get a full day in. Then to biblical school until 9 p.m. Yikes. Mondays are long.

I found out today that my sponsor is in the hospital. That was rather shocking. When I got off the phone with her husband I cried. (well, really, I have a rather similar emotional response to everything - I cry). He said she is on the mend and would be discharged tomorrow or the next day and advised me not to call. She will call me when she gets home. She has never been in particularly good health since she has been my sponsor. When we first met, she told me she was "terminal," she had just gone through a horrible health incident and was not supposed to live. But live she did, and here she is all these years later. I don't suppose she would like me to say these things about her because she is beautiful and gorgeous and has the bearing of a queen. Truly, she does. The love I feel for this woman might be one of the purest things I have ever experienced in my life. It is just love. I would wish this for everyone. But I would hasten to add that it took me over 10 years of sobriety (and many sponsors) before I met her.

I thank God I didn't give up on the concept of sponsorship before I found the right one. My former husband used to say that "sponsorship is a principle not a personality." Much as I had to discard many of the things he said (particularly things about me!) I think this was a good one.

I will stop at church tomorrow night, and light as many candles as I can - without hogging. So many people I have promised to pray for.... I know that most of them don't even care about candles burning in a church, but I do. I love the thought of a candle burning with the intention of a prayer, it takes a whole week for that thing to burn down. I guess it is my upbringing that leads me to believe there is power in that.

And I will ask for your prayers too.

And thank you.

Sunday Morning

Last night was wonderful. There were so many people here it was awesome. People I have never seen at night watch before showed up at my front door, which was wonderful. There was enough food for 100 more people, most of which I packed out the door with people, but I forgot things - like three huge bags of chips sitting on my kitchen counter - how did I forget those??!?!? And those are a problem food for me - so they have to be out of here - today!

We got nine phone calls. One was a legitimate 12 step call. Two were probably close to 12 step calls. I got to talk with a drunk woman at about five minutes till 11 last night. She was crying. She said she would go to a meeting today. I hope she does. (She wouldn't give me any other information)

What a wonderful thing to answer your phone and have someone ask "is this AA?" and be able to respond "yes, it is!"

Two of the guys sat with me until 11 when the phone shift was over. We talked about the things AA members talk about. Once again the paradox - when we were finally defeated and could think of no better ideas, we were willing to try AA. And once we tried AA, we were admitted into a world of which we had never dreamed. AA worked. We, each of us, never drank again, and we each have lives that we never dreamed we could have. And wonderful friends to top it all off.

I have to get ready for church. I slept late and my whole schedule is off kilter. But in a good way.

I am grateful I get to spend another day sober and I hope you all will join me.

Second Day into the Year...

(The photo was taken yesterday on the campus where I work. I went into my office to get something and when I came back outside, I thought I could take some photos because it looked so pretty.)

I am madly preparing for an AA event to be held here at my house tonight. I am not mad, I am just working like mad. Happily working like mad. I guess I could say I am working like crazy, but I am not crazy either. So either way, I am just working a lot - not working my butt off either. I love to cook, I love to bake. I don't like to clean so much. People laugh when I say my house is a mess because it doesn't appear to be so, but I know it is. I know where there is dust - and quite a bit of it. And I know where things are hidden. Great quantities of things... like sacks of mail in my bedroom closet! Honestly, I get enough mail in one day to keep a recycling plant going. And this is AFTER I opt out of everything you can opt out of, including paper billing. So in December, I just didn't feel like dealing with every little piece of it, so I stashed it. I will deal with it later. But not today.

I love to have this event at my house. We answer the phones for the central office after hours. Usually in January there are a few calls. I hope there will be tonight. We get to visit and get a chance to know one another better, we get a chance to eat some good food, and we get a chance to help a still suffering alcoholic - or two, or three. It is a wonderful way to spend a Saturday evening.

I am so grateful to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. How ironic it is that AA looks like the least appealing option when drinking becomes impossible - and yet, for me, and so many others, AA works and becomes something so much more than just a way to quit drinking. Yes, AA gave me the way to quit drinking, but it gave me so much more. I truly love my friends in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. To see them scattered all around my home is a pleasure that is indescribable.

"Many an alcoholic who entered there came away with an answer. He succumbed to that gay crowd inside, who laughed at their own misfortunes and understood his." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 160.

Dawning of a New Decade

The contrarian in me wants to say that the new decade doesn't start until next year, but I really don't care when it starts, 2010 seems so much more sensible than 2011, and everyone else counts it this way, so I will too!

I am grateful to be starting a new decade. My third in sobriety. I entered the 90s at 5 years of sobriety - and they started out rather chaotic, and settled into happy, but maybe grim determination to clean up the wreckage of the past. I had massive debt - to child support, to social security, to regular old debtors. I paid them all. I went back to college. I started a job. Etc. You have all heard this story.

By the dawning of the 00s (how goony does that sound, what are we going to call this decade???) I was sober 15 years, was just about to get my bachelors degree, owned my first home, my daughter was pregnant with her first child, and life was good. It seemed that life held unlimited promise for me. I honestly felt that the sky was the limit. I thought I was limited only by my self-limiting thoughts and my willingness to work.

HA!

In this decade I have been humbled by world events that have impacted my financial situation which have impacted my plans for retirement. Plans! HA! Again! HA! I have been humbled by a body that seems to understand that it is aging even if my emotions do not. I have been humbled by my own career limitations. And I am clear they are innately my own. And as much as I am loathe to write about this, I have been humbled by a couple of disastrous romantic relationships that seemed to be of the "happily ever after" variety. (but instead turned into the "I will have to call the police if you don't leave here because you are frightening me" variety.)

The good news is - I think I may finally be "right sized" which is a major feat for an alcoholic. Most days are extremely peaceful for me. I have friends and family who I love and who love me back. I have no enemies. I came close to having a resentment in the last couple of weeks, but avoided it - I have no resentments.

So last night I got to run a 5K - which is a fabulous way to spend New Years Eve. Running around Washington Park with that humongous Blue Moon hanging in the sky was utterly fabulous. I was with friends who are actually good runners, so it was a trifle embarrassing to have them waiting at the finish line for so long for me in the cold. It was COLD. And ICY. And dinner afterwards was great. A great huge bison burger with chili pepper onion strings and horseradish sauce... yummmm.

I need to be in church in a few minutes, so I better get out of these jammies and out of here!

Happy New Year Everyone.

May it be filled with 365 amazing sober days for all of us.

Thank you so much for sharing this journey with me. XXXOOO, MC

Another Year

I went back through my blog entries for 2009 to see if there were any highlights, lowlights, or great photos. Out of all the photos I have taken in the last year, and there have been plenty - some beautiful beaches and mountains, sunsets, roses, etc.... I love the photo of these sunflowers on the old fence the best of all.

I am grateful to have lived another year sober. I am grateful to have shared many sober moments with my daughter. I am grateful for sober friends who have inspired me. I am particularly grateful for sober friends who have challenged me.

One sober friend said something in October that rocked me and made me realize that I was being wrong-headed and stubborn. Thanks to that conversation, I was able to apologize to an old friend and we have reestablished a relationship that had ended 5 years ago. She wrote me an e-mail at Christmas telling me that one of the greatest gifts she received in 2009 was my friendship back. It just doesn't get any better than that. I have known her since I got sober, and her friendship is a treasure to me. Thank God.

Another sober friend invited me to join her and a group of folks who are running a 5K race tonight for New Years Eve. It should be fun. And for me, infinitely superior to trying to go out with "the gang" and have a good time - I am just not good at that. Of course, it is going to be so cold tonight that I HAD to go out and purchase a new outfit to wear so that I can keep warm. I never thought I would be able to do this at my age, I can't begin to express my gratitude for that. And I already have a head lamp so that I can actually see the path!

Yesterday was the end of the geriatric unit at the hospital. They bundled up the last patient and got her into a vehicle and out of there. Then they opened the doors to the unit wide. One of my friends called and literally said "come over and cry with us." And, you have to know that I did. When I walked into the building and saw the doors - which have always been locked and closely watched - wide open, and the hallway stretching out with no little people with walkers and wheelchairs littered about - well, I just cried. It is a terrible thing to see. No little assaultive delusional demented geriatric patients. Out of all the patients, I think they were my favorites. So many of them had good lives before the mental illness really debilitated them. No more. No more children, adolescents, or geriatric patients at my hospital. Just adults. All the closures (at least for now) are now complete. It should be a clean slate on Monday. Please God these last 4 months of crying on a daily basis are over.

This morning I went to the meeting and then out for breakfast. It was nice.

I am grateful for many things. Also sad about a lot which I am sure any reasonably astute reader can sense.

I am looking forward to 2010. I know it will be different. I know that different can be good. I have some goals for the next year. But for now, I am going to finish out this year on a high note. With a wonderful race, at a beautiful park (albeit in the dark), with some sober friends, with some warm and pretty clothes, in good health and reasonable happiness.

God has blessed us so abundantly.

Let's stay sober and safe out there, OK?

Twelve and Twelve

I went to a meeting this morning. On Tuesdays we read something from "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions." Today we read from the 4th step. Today It was perfect for me to reflect on instincts gone awry.

I want more. Sometimes I am keenly aware of this, sometimes it is something that is flying under the radar. But it seems to be always present. I want more. Lately I have been told a lot that I am not only not getting more but that I may be getting less. And I am trying to be a grown up about it. Grown up is not always my strong suit.

Oh, you may see a 58 year old on the outside, but inside there is a small child who wants all of the attention, all of the love, all of the toys, and all of the fun. At work I want all of the action in my office, unless the action is bad, and in that case, it should be elsewhere. But in any event, I want to be in-the-know of every little thing that is happening regardless of where it is occurring. Holy crap.

Most of the time actually I do pretty well with this stuff. I have just described the extreme of this tendency. And most of the time these days, thank God, I am not there.

So, as I prepare to gratefully go to bed tonight, for some reason I remembered a woman I heard speak in Canada a long time ago. She told a story about when she was young she told her mother a lie about an American sailor she met whose name was "Spud." For some reason, I thought that was hilarious some 20 years ago, and for some reason I remembered it tonight. Who knows where these memories come from or why they pop up seemingly randomly.

I am so grateful that my brain is full of sober memories. 25 years worth of sober memories. What a good deal that is.

I will get through tomorrow. Another going away lunch for another person who is going away. I am sure I will shed a few more tears. For some reason today a man at work decided to reminisce with me about a co-worker who suicided a year ago. We both cried about that. I think I am the cry magnet these days. If that is a service, I guess I am grateful I can do it. I don't think too many people could. But I will be glad when it is over.

And I am glad I can go to bed now and read a few more pages of The Brothers Karamazov before I drift off to dreamyland.

I sat down to write last night....

But just couldn't. Instead I got on the phone. Called my sponsor. Called some friends. Called an old boyfriend. Someone who would like to be a new boyfriend called me.

I haven't got the sense of ease and comfort that I normally have.

The hospital where I work is still on lock down. I have to pass an armed guard on my way in and out these days. The size of the hospital has decreased by approximately 50% in the last month. There are still several patients desperately in need of dispo who keep one unit open, but it will remain open for only two more days. Those patients will go somewhere regardless of whether it is a "good" or "bad" placement for them. And the staff will move along too. People I have worked with for over 15 years will just be gone on January 4.

There is a part of me that is so sick of this, I just want those people gone and out of my sight. I am so sick of the grieving. I am so sick of the survivor's guilt. I am so sick of crying with people. These changes were announced on September 4. This is a long damn time to draw something out. I am sure if I were the one who was losing my job it wouldn't seem like such a long time, but I just want this over with.

As a person who compulsively watches the news, and then carefully avoids political spillage here, I have to say, in the most neutral way I can - I am finding the news profoundly discouraging. And I think I am going to have to do what I did when my son was in Iraq and turn the channel to The Simpsons and other mindless entertainment - if they show that man's explosive laden underwear one more time.

On said news for months I have heard that the credit card companies were increasing rates and decreasing credit limits, so when I saw the envelope in the mail last night, I just said "oh no." And sure enough, my fave credit card's limit was decreased by $5,000. Now, I know, I don't need to have super high credit limits and this amount of money is not really a big deal, but it felt like a step backwards.

Which is precisely what I probably need to do.

Step backwards. Take a step back and think about what is really important. I certainly don't need more debt. I probably don't even need credit cards. I remember how free I felt when I had none. There are things that are important in life - and maybe for you money is one of them - but for me, money can never be one of them. It must be a servant, never my master.

I need to get going so that I can get out of here and get to a 6:30 meeting this morning. And then, I will go to work - and the good news there? There is plenty of parking! And I still have a job. Thank God.

And Thank God that I know that feelings aren't facts. I might feel like the world is ending, but that doesn't make it so. And... this too shall pass...

SAD

I think I shall go to the tanning salon tomorrow. Bad, I know. But better than SAD. The lack of sunlight, the lack of outdoor exercise, the lack of available nutritional food, and the lack of the structure of work days has got me feeling less than great.

I like winter for a few months, and then I am done. Since winter seems to have arrived a couple of months early here this year, I am already done with it just as it is starting. I think I will have to do some tricky stuff to get through.

Tricky like like the tanning salon (not proven to be a substitute for real sunshine, but I swear it improves my mood). Tricky like maybe planning a quick trip to a place not incredibly expensive but warm. I may not be willing to fly, so it may have to be within driving distance. If my sponsor and her husband end up in Tucson for the winter as they probably will, that will make it an easy decision - I will go visit them. Tricky like maybe going out for a walk at lunchtime when I am at work if it is sunny. I can get the majority of my workouts in the gloom of the dark mornings on my treadmill, but I need some fresh air.

I made some phone calls this afternoon to some people I thought might need a word of encouragement or just to know that someone cares about how they are. That is what I have been taught to do as a member of AA.... When I am thinking of myself a lot it tends to make me very unhappy, but when I turn my thoughts to others, it tends to help me forget myself - if only for a moment.

Pulling out all stops to get through the next couple of months without gaining weight or getting terribly depressed.

Oh, and I plan on staying sober, and I hope you do too.