Wednesday Morning

It is Wednesday Morning.  I have lived through Monday and Tuesday of this week.  There is nothing big at work so far this week.  I wish this something big would get over with.  We, as an organization, have been living with this constant dread since November of last year.   Government being involved in healthcare might sound like a good thing, but I don't think it is.... at all.

I am meeting my sponsee at our 6:30 meeting.  Then I will sit with her and hold her hand while she writes the fourth column of her fourth step.  This is something I would normally not do, so I am not real clear on why I am doing it now.  And actually, I will not be holding her hand, I will be knitting...

I better get on with it.  Take Care Everyone and Stay Sober Today.  

Three News Flashes

1. My daughter moved in (for 6 months) and spent the first night here last night.

2. It is snowing outside.

3. I went to the doc yesterday and was told to stop running for at least 10 days.

It is nice to have someone here.  It was great yesterday to have both of my daughters pop in.  They have not hung out for a very long time.  It was so good to hear them laughing and goofing - even though I am frequently the subject of their humor - and that is OK.  My daughter is a solitary kind of person like I am, so her living with me could either be great or horrible, but in either event it will be just fine.  

Snowing.  Big Fluffy Snow Flakes.  All over my lilacs, roses, honeysuckle, lavender, tulips, lilies, etc.  I covered a few things last night, but finally decided to let nature take her course.  She has not been in a good mood in the last month, has she?  I thought about the folks in Myanmar, China, and the tornado stricken parts of our own country - and realized a few frozen buds is not a big tragedy.  

When I realized that the 'big deal' was not happening at work yesterday, I made a doctor's appointment.  I have sciatica.  The big honkin' nerve that runs from your lower spine all the way down your leg is inflamed.  It hurts like hell, and has for a long time.  Thanks to two blogs, I was able to determine that I have been complaining about this since February.  I have Physical Therapy schedule for the first available appointment - May 21.  And was instructed not to run until then... and then wait to hear what the PTist says.  I am going to volunteer at the local marathon this weekend... just to keep excited about running.  

My first year of Biblical School ended last night.  I really enjoyed it, learned a lot, and met some great people.  Now I have Monday nights free, and don't have to study during the weekend.  

I will get to a meeting tomorrow morning.  My meeting schedule has really suffered for my lately busy-ness.  I will meet a sponsee at the meeting tomorrow.  That is food for my soul.

Winter Storm Warning

Yep.  On May 12.  Winter Storm Warning.  It snowed on me on Saturday during my run.  But that was a little flurry, this is expected to be a big old snow.  Oh, what will become of my rose bushes and lilacs?  The little rose bush I planted last spring has eleven (11) buds on it.  

I had the best Mother's Day yesterday.  All three of my children were here.  We hung out almost all day - even though two of them got their dad quite angry by not being at his house.  I got to hear my two daughters giggle together until it got on my nerves.  But it was a wonderful thing - I don't think they have laughed together for several years.  

I am going to head out of here and get a quick run in.  Then I will quickly get ready for work.  Today could be a big day and I want to be ready for it.  

Life sure is good, if you just hang on when it isn't.  Just hang on.  

An Alcoholic Mother

I am one.  I had one.  I have given birth to one.  or two.  

I had my first drink in July of 1966.  I lost my virginity on July 22, 1966.  On November 25, 1966, I conceived my first child.  I was 14 years old at the time, so you know this isn't going to have a really happy ending... I went away to a home for unwed mothers, they had them back then because it was scandalous for a child to get pregnant and have a child in the mid 60's.  On August 15, 1967, at the age of 15, I gave birth to a child I called Mary Catherine Stephenson.  She was named after a nun at the St. Vincent's home in Chicago where I was residing.  I never got to touch her.  She was whisked away from me the moment she was born.  She was adopted immediately to a "good" family.  

A lot happened between 1967 and 1976 when I gave birth to the first child I got to keep.  On August 8, 1976 at 8:31 a.m., I gave birth to a 8 lb. 8 oz. beautiful and perfect little boy.  His father, my husband,  was at my side.  He loved me and he loved his child.  We came home and I got to nurse this boy, and bathe his little body, and sit in a rocking chair with him all night long because he did not sleep.  He was beautiful.  He is now 31 years old and I still see that baby when I look at the man he is today.  

In June 1978, my husband and I decided that we wanted another child.  I desperately wanted a girl.  By July 1978, I was pregnant again.  This pregnancy was different.  I was sick.  I felt terrible.  My belly was getting huge, but the rest of me was getting smaller.  By December 1978, when the doc was suggesting that I might be due a month or two earlier than we thought - I insisted on an ultrasound  - which was amazing new technology in 1978 - and got to see two little babies inside me!  I was pregnant with twins!  Were there twins in the family?  no. On March 1, 1979 at 2:31 and 2:39,  I gave birth to two beautiful and perfect little girls. (5 lbs. 7 ounces, and 6 lbs. 6 ounces) But there was still a surprise... there was another baby.  Stillborn.  This sounds ridiculous, but that still makes me sad.  The other thing that makes me sad is that my husband felt betrayed by this pregnancy.  He always suspected that somehow I tricked him into having two children for one pregnancy.  It put a huge strain on our marriage.  So, I was the mother of three small children and had a husband who would not even LOOK at me.  Obviously, he was not helping me with the children.  And how do you defend yourself against such insanity?

One morning, 4 weeks after they were born, I was hurriedly trying to carry my little Megan into a restaurant while husband, son, and other twin were sitting inside.  I went to close the car door, and the little bundle, swaddled in a yellow blanket, fell out of her car seat and onto the ground.  The little bundle did not cry or move once she hit the pavement.  I picked her up and unwrapped her, and she started crying. I went into the restaurant, and her head started swelling.  We took her to the hospital and she had a fractured skull.  Oh my God.  Her twin and I stayed at the hospital with her because I was breast feeding both of them.  They didn't know if she would live through the day.  Then they didn't know if she would live through the week.  When they discharged her from the hospital, they said that she could die any time in the next six months.  Thank God she lived.  Do I sometimes wonder if she would be "OK" if I hadn't dropped her?  Yep.  Logically, I know that this makes no sense though.  And another nail went into the coffin of our marriage.

When I got home from the hospital after giving birth to the girls, I drank margaritas all night long.  This started a bender that really didn't end until I got sober in July, 1984.  Thank God that I did not drink through my pregnancies.  That is how I knew I was pregnant, the taste of a beer and a cigarette was suddenly disgusting and I knew something was VERY VERY wrong!  I am so grateful for this blessing.

So much has happened since those little babies were born.  Now they are adults.  All of them.  I found my adopted daughter when I was sober 2 years.  I met her when she was 20.  It was the most peculiar experience of my life.  She was a budding drunk at that time.  She was already the mother of a 3 year old boy.  I have not been able to find them since 1990.  I keep thinking that somehow I will find her again, but I have so far been unsuccessful.

When I was sober 6 years, my by-then ex-husband got custody of my three children.  I was married to someone else, who decided to retaliate on my behalf - and then there was a restraining order.  When your ex is married to a lawyer, these things happen.   

When Megan started her own career with meth at the age of 15, my ex and his wife were more than happy to let me assume custody of her... We lived through those years.  Me and Megan.  They were hard.  Through all of this, we have never ever stopped loving each other.  No matter what, we always love each other.  She is the heart of my heart.

So, this year... My son is 31 years old.  Recently returned from Iraq.  He is buying his first house.  The "good twin", L. has a budding career, is planing to move in with me for 6 months so that she can save money to go to Europe for a month in September.   Megan is awaiting her admission to a very good rehab on May 21.  MY ex, her father, has taken custody of HER two daughters.  She made some threats when this happened, so there is a restraining order.  She cannot see her daughters at all.  She has not seen them since Easter.  

Yesterday I got on the phone and called Megan.  I asked her what she is doing for Mother's Day.  Her voice changed from happy to sad and she said she would probably just feel sorry for herself all day.  I told her we could hang out.  She lit up and said "really?"  I told her "You know, I do understand what this is like for you."  She told me she has thought about that a lot lately.  

I called the other two and told them that I was hanging with Megan.  That they could join us, but the little ones couldn't be here because of the restraining order.  I told them they really need to honor their step mother this year because she has taken on those two little ones.  I may not agree with her 99.9% of the time, but I do respect that she has raised a bunch of kids who were not hers.  

So I am having dinner for my kids at noon tomorrow.  The two "good" ones will then go on to their dad's.  I will hang out with my daughter - the one who is like me.  

I do understand her.  And I love her.  And she loves me.

And you know what?  The other two love me and I love them too.  What a freaking miracle that this could come from what has happened to this family.  If you were to walk in on us tomorrow, you would have no CLUE what the history is.  You would just see a loving family.  

Thank you God.  Thank you program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Thank you fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.... that means you!

XXXOOO

There was no way I could take today off work.  So I tried to go to bed at 7:00 last night.... but the phone rang.   For over an hour I talked to my friend, the man I was so in love with 2 years ago, I called him "Mr. Sweetie Man" here in my blog.  His life has gone to hell in  hand basket in the intervening 2 years and I am so grateful that it didn't work out for us.  I think I would have married him if he had asked.   When we hung up, he called me "sweetie".  That makes twice in one week I have been called "sweetie" by a man.  It is kind of nice.  

I still haven't been to a meeting all week.  That is so unusual for me.  I like getting to lots of meetings.  I will go tomorrow morning - I may go today at noon if I have time, or tonight on my way home from work.  But for sure I will hit my Saturday morning meeting.  

Let's all stay sober today, OK?

Thursday Morning

I went to church early this morning and then came home and went back to sleep.  I am still tired.  I may try to see if I can take tomorrow off.  I need a day off - bad.

Last night my sprinkler guy came over.  He is a fellow AA member, has been sober 21 years, so we have lots to talk about.  After we got the sprinkler system up and running, we stood outside and talked for about an hour.  It was wonderful!  We talked about how much AA has changed in our tenures.  How much we miss the good old days when people did not tolerate so much.  When someone would be happy to tell you when you were full of shit.  

Now we like to be sweet to everyone.  No one seems to care that we may be killing them with kindness.  And in my opinion, being "kind" to newcomers is more about me looking good and being likable than it is about helping another suffering alcoholic.  Some of the kindest things that have been said or done to me have seemed cruel at the time.  

Got to get to work.  Have a sweet day everyone.  

Thunderstruck

I woke up this morning to the sound of thunder - and the sight of my drapes reflecting the lightening.  But it is not raining.  That should change soon I think.

I can't make it to my normal Wednesday morning meeting and meeting afterward with a sponsee.  I have to be at work by 7:30.  Yet another big deal at work.  It is OK.  I just need to roll with the flow and not get upset.  

I sure love thunder and lightening.  I sure love the month of May.  I sure love the warmer weather.  I love my flowers hanging around everywhere.  I love that my daughter is moving in with me for 6 months so that she can save her money and go to Europe.  I love that my other daughter has somehow gotten herself an admission date at a very very nice treatment center - May 21.  

I love that I can take a hot bath this morning, put on nice clothes, and go to work.  Well, I might like the hot bath and nice clothes a LOT more than going to work, but that's OK.