Expectations of Sobriety

I am sponsoring someone who reminds me of me when I was early in sobriety.  When I see her name show up on my phone, honestly I do not want to answer.  I know there will be hysterical crying, accounts of what happened - heavy on hyperbole, and the worst way to interpret every circumstance.  Yesterday she called and told me she had just had "the worst day in my life."  It is so hard to talk to someone who has these experiences on almost a daily basis.  But I recall being 6 to 9 years sober and going through an abusive marriage, and being hysterical half the time.  I thank God for the people who were willing to hang in there with me (there weren't many).

I frequently warn her against comparing her insides to others' outsides.  She thinks she is the only sober person who has difficulty.  She goes to a meeting where people tend to be financially very stable and affluent, well-educated, mostly happily married, and don't seem to be dealing with the wreckage she is.  I tell her that first of all, we don't know if that is really the truth about these folks - and it isn't our business to figure out if it is.  Secondly, it is not a good idea to compare.  Third, we all start on our recovery journey in a different place.  She is making her kind of progress, it just doesn't look like other people's progress.

I remember a time when someone told me that if I was an example of five years of sobriety, he would rather be drunk.  Well, he died drunk.  I didn't wish it on him though.  I have told people that maybe sometimes I am a good bad example.  There is a use for those too, you know.

Later I had a friend who would say "Sobriety for sobriety's sake sucks."  I would argue heartily with him on this point.  He thinks it is ironic because he thinks I am one of the finest examples of making the most of your sobriety.  Well, I didn't do that overnight.  And if I thought I had to have great accomplishments, money, happy relationships, and great healing all the way around to have my sobriety mean something, I couldn't have thought I was successfully sober in my first ten years.  Thank God I hung in there and worked a program and stayed sober.

I have often said that if I could have made a list of what I wanted from my sobriety when I was newly sober, I would have gravely short-changed myself.  But some of the things I cherish the most are completely intangible.  Being with my father as he was dying.  Being present at the birth of two of my grandchildren.  Being a trustworthy grandmother.  Going back to church, painting icons, graduating from Biblical School.... I could go on, but you get the drift.

Some of the accomplishments others value a lot are:   going back to college when I was 43, and having a master's degree by the time I was 50.  Getting a "good job" and keeping it for a long dang time.  Buying a house.  Buying new cars.  Etc.

But I still have the same brain.  By the grace of God most days today you would never know that I used to respond hysterically to nearly everything.  But I do still suffer from depression.  I take meticulous care of myself to try to keep that serpent at bay.  If I vary much from my life style I seem to open the door for it.  Changing jobs earlier this year seems to have done that.

The thing I would like to say is:  I am going through a depression. I know that I will get to the other side.  I have many tools in my toolbox.  I have faith that I am where I am supposed to be.  And I have remained sober.

That, to me, is a hopeful message.

And I am not sure I can continue to blog through this - I can't imagine why anyone would continue to read when I am a broken record every day.  I will pray about this.