Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Razor Blades and Broken Glass

Some blogs are about puppy dogs and rainbows.  And there is a big audience for that.  God bless you.  Really.  I am not being sarcastic here.

Today it feels like razor blades and broken glass.  It feels much too difficult to get along with anyone.

I am a person with two (2) axis I diagnoses.  Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent - I am not going to include the longitudinal course specifier because I am not going to diagnose myself this morning.  However, I would tell you that I wouldn't call it "in remission."  I am going through a bout.

The other I write about every day.  And I hate the DSM-IV language for it, so I won't include it.  I am an alcoholic.  Who doesn't drink.  Thank you God!

Depression used to frighten me more than anything in the world.  Over the years, I have learned how to live with it for the most part.  I have written about it a million times here on the blog.  Exercise, good food, lots of sleep, alone time every day, social time every day.... etc., etc.  My new job and the endless hours working with people I don't know or feel comfortable with - yet - has thrown my self care totally off.  It will be three months in a few days and I am feeling the effects.

Yesterday I went to a spin class in the morning and got to work at 9:00 instead of the self-imposed 7 a.m. start I have adhered to for the last 3 months.  (It has more to do with bus schedules than a need to torture myself though).  Today I have a meeting I need to go to at 8:30 and the rest of the day I have scheduled as a vacation day.

I didn't realize I was digging myself into a dark hole of depression.  Now I do, and I will dig out again - please God.  I think this is very much what a relapse into active alcoholism would probably be like.  You just stop doing the things you need to do to stay sober and cruise along fine for weeks or months or even years, but suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere,  you realize you are drunk.  Thank God that has not happened to me.  I really do give God the credit for this because when I got sober I did not have the ability to keep up with anything for more than a couple of weeks.  Where did that ability come from?  Not from me.

I apologize to my true intended audience who might be wondering if they are alcoholic, thinking about going to AA, and looking for a blog written by a sober alcoholic.  I love the anonymous comments you leave.  I am, however, turning off the ability to leave anonymous comments.  I have a troll who is leaving stupid anonymous comments.  I am not in the mood to deal with them.  I really want to respond with a happy "fuck you."  But that wouldn't be nice, would it?  So I will do the next best thing and just avoid the whole thing.

If you really want to leave a comment, it is easy enough to set up a blogger account without an associated blog.  And then you can leave a comment.

Thanks and love to you all.



Have Myelin? said...

Depression is a hard load to carry. I am sorry you are going through it.

I am not too fond of rainbows and happy puppy blogs. Makes me wonder what's really going on. =)

Anonymous said...

Sounds like good solutions all around.

dAAve said...

Sorry for your (re)current illness. As you very well know, This Too Shall Pass. But it's crap going through it.

Hang in there, good buddy.

Anonymous said...

I appreciate your honesty on this and every thing else you write about in your life, Mary. I can really relate and you expressed a lot of what I have been going through with my demanding work load with school. It feels good to not be alone and to know that we are trudging together in more ways than one. Big hug full of puppies and rainbows to you today!!!!
The only trolls I like are the cute little naked ones from the 70's with the fuzzy hair :)

Syd said...

I watched my mother suffer from depression. I hope that I did not inherit it. It manifested in her and my grandfather when they were in their late 60's. I do think that a lot of physical activity helps. Hang in there, MC. Wishing you the best--you know that.

Fancy Free said...

I totally relate. Thank you for reminding me that I can create my own relapse into depression just like drinking. Keeps it simple for me and my brain never chooses simple first.

SoberMomRocks said...

So glad you found a workaround to the troll...I too only like the ones from the 70's.

I also suffer from severe depression. I choose to treat mine with medication after trying unsuccessfully many times to trudge through without it. I know about that dark hole and I'm so glad you have a set of tools to use to climb out of it.

And since I'm just a commenter and not the blog writer I will say to the mean spirited troll...fuck you and the horse you rode in on.


Kary May said...

I don't suffer from depression but it wasn't that long ago that I would find myself repeatedly at the bottom of a binge knowing what I was going to have to go through to climb back out and wondering if I was going to make it this time. I would go through the whole litany of saints praying for mercy. You take care of yourself, Mary, and don't forget your guardian angel, we never outgrow them, you know.

Mala50 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pammie said...

Situational depression is familiar to people but the kind of depression that you (and my sober girl) suffer from is only "truly" understood by those who live with it.....I watch sober girl year in and year out trying new coping skills and pray daily for God to heal her.
Just trying to let you know that I "get it", my sweet mary.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I totally get this, and I was diagnosed years ago with a disorder as well, well a couple. I'm thankful that I found it didn't affect the promises coming true or Gods abilities to keep me safe and provide enough, and to provide fellows like you who share the truth and the journey! Blessed!

Love ya! Thank you!

Furtheron said...

It is never a straight road is it? This only shows me the strength you have in the programme as you are here telling us about it and preparing for action to get better...

I've seen some relapses (who hasn't if you've been about AA anytime) hugely generalising but to me there are two underlying reasons...

1. Anger - a resentment about something, a person, AA itself or not wanting to adjust to the new demands the programme puts on you... I see these people get irritable, discontent, angry etc. they argue, they moan etc. they drink!
2. Complacency - I'm ok I've been sober a long time, I'm good with it all, I don't need meetings as much, I have a new life, I can get along fine without AA in my life as much. These people drift away, they come back and say they are doing ok and go off again, and then I hear of them drinking (and dying in some sad cases) or they come back looking 20 years older in a matter of months and back to square one again. I've seen one lady just continue in that rut, she can't stop again, it is killing her, she knows it, she comes in every now and then - it is so so sad - 8 years ago she hugged me at one of my first meetings and I thought "I want what she has" - I don't want what she has now

Lulu said...

Thank you for this post ~ your puppy dogs and rainbows comment has me completely laughing at myself! I am a recovering alcholic who also has a diagnosis of bipolar 2 (the good times just never end!). My therapist, who is awesome, is helping me recognize and acknowledge the depression that I've always repressed with what he calls my "Cupcake Defense". I've built this sparkly-glittery-artsy personna to totally bury and deny my depression, so I am just learning how to let go a bit of this act and allow myself experience the depression without falling apart(though of course some of my "act" is real - I DO adore sparkly glittery artsy things, especially when all miraculously appear in a cupcake).

I empathize enormously with your suffering, and I am so appreciative of your honesty and detail with each depressive phase. I am just learning the language I need to describe this very real part of myself ~ along with the tools to manage it ~ and your blog has been very helpful.

Have a wonderful evening ~ Lulu

Ellen said...

Yours is as authentic as it gets. I see and hear myself in your words. It restores me to know there are others in this struggle. Thanks