Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Razor Blades and Broken Glass
Today it feels like razor blades and broken glass. It feels much too difficult to get along with anyone.
I am a person with two (2) axis I diagnoses. Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent - I am not going to include the longitudinal course specifier because I am not going to diagnose myself this morning. However, I would tell you that I wouldn't call it "in remission." I am going through a bout.
The other I write about every day. And I hate the DSM-IV language for it, so I won't include it. I am an alcoholic. Who doesn't drink. Thank you God!
Depression used to frighten me more than anything in the world. Over the years, I have learned how to live with it for the most part. I have written about it a million times here on the blog. Exercise, good food, lots of sleep, alone time every day, social time every day.... etc., etc. My new job and the endless hours working with people I don't know or feel comfortable with - yet - has thrown my self care totally off. It will be three months in a few days and I am feeling the effects.
Yesterday I went to a spin class in the morning and got to work at 9:00 instead of the self-imposed 7 a.m. start I have adhered to for the last 3 months. (It has more to do with bus schedules than a need to torture myself though). Today I have a meeting I need to go to at 8:30 and the rest of the day I have scheduled as a vacation day.
I didn't realize I was digging myself into a dark hole of depression. Now I do, and I will dig out again - please God. I think this is very much what a relapse into active alcoholism would probably be like. You just stop doing the things you need to do to stay sober and cruise along fine for weeks or months or even years, but suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, you realize you are drunk. Thank God that has not happened to me. I really do give God the credit for this because when I got sober I did not have the ability to keep up with anything for more than a couple of weeks. Where did that ability come from? Not from me.
I apologize to my true intended audience who might be wondering if they are alcoholic, thinking about going to AA, and looking for a blog written by a sober alcoholic. I love the anonymous comments you leave. I am, however, turning off the ability to leave anonymous comments. I have a troll who is leaving stupid anonymous comments. I am not in the mood to deal with them. I really want to respond with a happy "fuck you." But that wouldn't be nice, would it? So I will do the next best thing and just avoid the whole thing.
If you really want to leave a comment, it is easy enough to set up a blogger account without an associated blog. And then you can leave a comment.
Thanks and love to you all.