Step Two

"Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

The Second Step is the only one that is not clearly detailed in the big book. There is a whole chapter called "We Agnostics" which deals with coming to believe - unfortunately many people either don't read it or don't spend much time studying it because they are not agnostics. 

All of the other steps say something like "This is the first step in recovery." (p. 30), "Being convinced, we were at Step Three." (p. 60), "This brings us to the Fifth Step" (p. 72), "we then look at Step Six." (p. 76), "We have then completed Step Seven." (p.76), "Let's look at Steps Eight and Nine." (p. 76), "This thought brings us to Step Ten." (p. 84), "Step Eleven suggests prayer and meditation." (p. 85), and "The next chapter is entirely devoted to Step Twelve." (p.88).  

I have heard many people say that they had a hard time with the second step because they didn't believe they needed to be restored to sanity because that would suggest they were insane.  Others have had difficulty because they did not believe in God.  For me, the difficulty was in the word "restore."  I couldn't imagine how I could be restored to something I never felt I had.  

My first sponsor had me take three sheets of paper and write my concept of a higher power on each sheet.  The first sheet was for my childhood idea, which was the God in heaven with the long white beard, etc.   The second sheet was for my present concept of God, which was someone I was trying to hide from, I was afraid of God.  The third sheet was to write down my ideal of what my relationship with God should be, at that time it was a close relationship without fear or dread.  We got together and I read these to her.  She then told me to take the first two sheets of paper and tear them up.  She said that those were my old ideas, and now I could get rid of my old ideas and go forward with the new.  

This is not what I do with sponsees as we do the Second Step, but it was my first experience with the Second Step.  

Over the years, my faith and trust in God have grown as I saw the evidence of what happens when you turn it over to Him.  I could start with the belief that God could remove alcohol from my life.  This was huge.  And it happened.  The trust built from there.  

As I look back on almost a quarter century of sobriety and try to judge the sanity of those years, I can see that the first years were not very sane.  But I wasn't drinking and that is very very good.  As time passed, my life started looking sane and so did I.  After a while, I started being employable.  I started being reliable.  I started being trust-worthy.  People could know what to expect from me.  They could ask me to do things and feel sure that they would get done. I know that left to my own devices it would not be this way.  

Thank God I do not have to do this alone.  The fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is a tremendous blessing, but the individual people of AA can let you down.  The fellowship as a whole will not, but those individual hurts are very deep.  God will NEVER let me down and I never have to stay sober alone because He is always with me.  

How do you show that you have taken Step Two?  By moving on to Step Three... 

Step One

Yesterday I wrote a little bit about Step Nine.  People commented about that.  I thought about it some and thought I would like to write a bit about my experience with the steps.  You all have heard enough about my running, my shoes, my job, my cooking, and my knitting to keep you going for at least 12 days, so I thought I would write each day for 12 days about the steps.  It is important to note that I am not writing instructions or guidance on the steps... I am writing about my experience with them.  There are plenty of books with the ultimate interpretations of the steps, but in my opinion there were two books written with all I need to know about them...  the big book, and the 12 & 12.  This is just me writing about my experience, OK?

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

When I got to AA, I knew I drank WAY too much.  I knew I was sick of it.  I knew that there was something very very wrong with my life.  I knew I was suicidal most of the time.  I knew I was a lousy wife and mother.  A lousy housekeeper, a lousy bookkeeper, a lousy most everything.  When I got to AA, I was honestly thrilled to think that I might have *one* problem instead of the thousands I thought I had.  

I thought I might be a little bit of an alcoholic.  It only took a few weeks in AA to realize that I related to the drinking of almost everyone.  The housewife, the nun, the stock-broker, the doctor, the bank robber, the Larimer Street (it used to be skid row in Denver before it got gentrified) wino, and the person who was locked up in the nut house.  I sat around an AA club and swapped stories with bikers and truckers and bankers and lawyers.  It took only a short while to realize that not once had I ever said "holy cow, I never drank like you guys!"  Not once. 

I was thrilled to stop drinking.  It hurt like hell for the first weeks.  I was shaking.  I was sick.  I was waking up with night sweats.  I was sick as a dog.  But I was so relieved.  It was actually easier to be sick than to be doing what I had tried for years - controlled drinking.  I loved being sober. I loved throwing in the towel and saying I couldn't do it anymore.  It was a tremendous relief.

But after a few months of sobriety, I didn't get the idea of powerlessness.  I thought I was powerful enough to stop drinking.  I thought I was powerful enough to go out and get a job and leave my husband and get an apartment and pay my bills, etc.  It took me nearly five years to "get" the idea of powerlessness and unmanageability.  

When I woke up on the wrong side of the locked doors of a psychiatric ward at 4 1/2 years of sobriety, I suddenly knew what it meant for your life to be unmanageable.  I had managed my life well enough to drive myself into suicidal exhaustion.  I had always laughed at the folks in AA who had lost everything but then would say "but I didn't pick up a drink!"  As if that was a good thing!  Well, on that morning in January 1989, I realized that the fact that I hadn't taken a drink WAS a good thing indeed, in fact miraculous, and that it was good enough.  I knew I had lots of work ahead of me and I was willing to do it.

Somehow it is a lot easier to turn it all over to God when you are in such a jam.  And I did.  But this time I never took it back... but I am getting ahead to other steps.

For me, Step One is ever-evolving.  I have over the years come to know my powerlessness on a cellular level.  I am sure it will continue to evolve as long as I am open to learning and haven't decided that I know it all.  

One of my favorite Step One stories is this:  I was sober almost 6 years.  I was about to marry a man.  I was living as an illegal alien migrant farm worker in Canada (I thought that was a hilarious, but oh-so-accurate way to describe my status).  He was an Australian crop-duster.  I was working for him doing the books.  We were in a remote town in Alberta.  I could not find an AA meeting.  I think I went 6 weeks without a meeting - however long we were in that place.  One fine day, my soon-to-be-husband asked me to stand in the road and stop traffic so that he could use the highway as his runway.  

I started crying.  I started walking around in circles, pulling my hair.  I told him "I am from Chicago!  I can't do this!  I don't belong here!"  Suddenly it occurred to me that I was behaving like a wimp!  I knew I was not a wimp, so I asked myself what was wrong with me that I was acting like this.  The thought came to me like a thunderbolt - "You need a beer."  And then next thought was "WHAT?  I haven't had a drink for nearly 6 years!  How can I need a beer?"  

Then I realized that I either need to be actively involved in AA, or I truly do need a drink.  Left to my own devices, I am not capable of quitting drinking, or being a viable human being.  I need to acknowledge my powerless over alcohol and my inability to manage my own life.... and then things change.  And my life begins to look like something that is desirable.  It may look manageable because it does have a manager, but the manager is not me!

Step Two tomorrow...

My ex-husband's birthday

My ex-husband is 59 years old today.  When I met him he was 24.  In my mind, he will always be the 24 year old football player I fell in love with.  I wish I could call him and wish him a happy birthday, but it would cause more problems for him, and therefore, I won't.  Sometimes when you have caused a lot of hurt, the best thing you can do is just leave it alone.  Please know that I have made my amends as best I could, but I caused that man a lot of pain and he doesn't really like to be reminded of it.  

Maybe if some of my old-school friends read that, they would say "How can you say that, don't you remember what he did to YOU?!"  Well, that is hardly the point.  The point is, in recovery we need to be responsible for ourselves.  We do not focus on the harm another may or may not have caused us, that only leads to pain and bitterness.  We focus on ourselves and what we can do to repair the harm we have caused, and then live in such a way to at least try not to cause more harm.  

I am grateful that I had a very productive week at work.  I have a weekend without very many plans.  I have a new green hoodie to wear this morning.  I have those socks to knit (see picture), and I am enjoying it immensely.  I am going to the 6:30 meeting and then to meet my sponsee at a local coffee establishment (not Starbuck's) to do some seventh step stuff.  I get to go to church tonight, and might get to confession this afternoon.  This is a step-back week in my training, so I won't have a l-o-n-g run tomorrow, just 4 miles.  

I love Saturday mornings.

Birthdays

Yesterday at the morning meeting, a young woman celebrated 1 year of sobriety.  I was so glad I was there.  She told a bit of her story, she had tears streaming down her face, I had tears brimming in my eyes, another woman had tears running, and the men were trying not to cry.  It was one of those wonderful AA stories.  Heartbreak and redemption.  Decimation and reconciliation.  A living death and then life.  And the gratitude that naturally flows from that.

On the way to the restaurant last night, I stopped at the yarn shop to get a new quick project to work on.  I have been knitting the same baby blanket since last March and I am SICK of it.  It is going to take at least another couple of months to finish.... on size 1 needles, and very intricate work.  I usually pick quick projects because the variety.  I LOVE to knit socks because they are quick, they make a great gift, and I love the tactile aspect of the bamboo needles, the wool yarn, and the way these interact.  

I walked into the yarn shop with 5 minutes scheduled to do this!  I told the owner of the shop that I NEEDED some socks to knit for therapy.  Unfortunately, I am afraid this is probably not a strange request for that store.  She knew exactly where to take me to get some beautiful marino wool yarn, and I always buy new needles even though I am sure I don't need them.  I have a portfolio of knitting books, and several books of sock recipes.... what fun to come home and pick a sock pattern and get started.  

I am really looking forward to today.  I have been working very hard to get several projects going.  They are now going... there is lots more work to do, but they have a good foundation now.  I feel like I can work at a less frenetic pace for a day or two... and that is good.

Have a wonderful Friday everyone.  

Thursday Morning

I remember when Thursday morning was so much fun because we had half-nAAked thursday.  But then it changed and then it was over.  I just spent 15 minutes looking for it and it isn't even there anymore.  It was fun while it lasted.

I am frantic busy again.  I am heading out of here for a 6:30 a.m. meeting to start the day, and then a full day of work.  After work, I am meeting 3 AA friends for dinner at a middle-eastern restaurant.  I shall enjoy that.  But right now, I just wish I could get back in bed and go back to sleep.  

But I won't.  One important thing I learned in my early years of sobriety is that you take the right action and the good feelings will follow.  If you wait till you feel like doing something, it may never happen.  There is a cute little saying to describe that, but I can't even think of it right now.  Oh, wait, I think it is:

You can't think your way into right living, but you can live your way into right thinking.

Is that it?

In other words, there is no chapter in our big book called "Into Thinking," but there is one called "Into Action."

Have an action-packed sober day, OK?

Who am I? What am I doing here?

I am at a loss this morning, so I will just go back to the start.  In the immortal words of Admiral William Stockdale, "Who am I? What am I doing here?"

I am a 56 year old woman.   I will be 57 in December.  I was born in Pittsburgh, PA.  I grew up in a small town in eastern Ohio, named Poland.  I moved from there when I was 14 to a suburb of Chicago.  When my parents told me we were moving, and that I would have to attend public schools for the first time in my life, I made a conscious decision to start drinking and doing whatever the heck else I felt like.  I made good on that decision.

I started drinking in July 1966.  I didn't stop until July 24, 1984.  In that time, I got married and had three children.  We moved from Chicago to New Mexico to the mountains of Colorado.  I did things that drunk people do.  I became increasingly depressed and desperate.  By 1984, with three small children and a husband who needed me, I drank daily, all day long and had for years, and all I wanted to do was die.  I had no friends.  Not one.  When I needed someone to talk to, I got on the phone with my therapist, and then got a bill for the time we spent on the phone.  

When my husband told me we were moving to Denver, it shook my world and I think I made the bookend decision to the one I made in 1966 - I wanted to get sober.  It took 3 weeks.  

I called AA on the morning of July 24, 1984 and I have not had a drink since.  I jumped into AA with everything I had.  They told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, and I went to 180.  They told me to get a sponsor, I got a sponsor.  They told me to work the steps, I worked the steps.  They told me to pray, and I prayed.  They told me to get active in service work, I did that.  In 1985 I celebrated one whole year without a drink.  In 1986, 2 years.  In 1987, three years.... and on and on.  In 2004, I got a coin  with "XX" on it.  Twenty years without a drink.  My last coin has "XXIV" on it.  XXIV.  

In the time I have been sober, I went back to school and got my bachelor's and master's degrees.  I got a job at 10 years of sobriety which I still have today.  My children have grown and now I have two grandchildren.  I bought my first house in 1998, and my second house in 2001, in which I still live.  

I have gone from being a 32 year old woman who wanted to die to being a 56 year old woman who is doing everything she can to stay alive for as long as I can.  I participated in my first triathlon in 2004, and have done five since.  I ran my first half-marathon in May 2007, and am now training for my fifth one which is in January.  I am so grateful that by the grace of God, I was able to quit smoking 17 years ago, and have not had one cigarette since.  

AA gently led me back to the church of my youth and I have found my home there.  I am currently in the middle of my second year of a four year program of Biblical School.  I love it.  

My life has changed dramatically.  It did not happen overnight.  It happened slowly.  I did not get sober and get perfect.  I messed up - a lot.  But I did not drink, and I kept doing what I was supposed to be doing.  

I was done drinking.  I had enough.  I was desperate.  I didn't have any great ideas left. I didn't have any friends left.  I believe it was the hand of God that got me to AA, and the grace of God that kept me sober.  I believe I had to follow the few directions given me to just cooperate with the freely given gift.  I don't believe I stayed sober by any great "work" on my behalf... just some cooperation.

I started this blog to converse with some other blogger, long gone, who was bugging me on my other blog.  I realized he was a recovering alcoholic and I wanted to talk about that, but my other blog was political in nature and used my full name and picture, so I would not violate traditions by talking about my membership in AA there.  So I started this blog. After a couple of months, a blogger, sadly now long gone from the blogging scene, came along and then told a  bunch of you about my blog and the rest is history.  I have loved the fellowship of the sober blogs.  It has been wonderful.  

And now I have to get dressed and face this day sober.  I will attempt to do it with quiet humor and grace.  I will definitely need God's help today, as I do every day.  

Let's go into this new world sober together, shall we?

Tenth Tradition

Today, of all days, I wish I could spill my guts here.  But I am bound by the 10th tradition to not do that.  It is election day, and I can say "go out and vote!"  I would like to go further and tell you who to vote for.  But I won't.

But I would like to say that as sober people, we have the responsibility to take our civic duty seriously.  So, I would like to say, counter to most folks, that if you don't know what you are doing, if you haven't paid attention to this election, and if you are voting for nebulous ideas that don't make a lot of sense after investigation - stay home.  Really.  Just stay home.

When the founding fathers (yes, they were fathers, not mothers) of the United States died to protect our freedom of speech and our right to a voice, they were not talking about uninformed people talking a bunch of nonsense.  They were talking about people who took responsibility for themselves and took the time to be informed and form an opinion based on facts.  People who took the time, and did the work, and whether you agreed with them or not, you had to respect their opinions and their right to voice them.  

We have a beautiful country.  My son, and hundreds of thousands like him, have fought for our freedoms in the middle east.  Our brothers, cousins, and friends fought in Vietnam.  Our fathers, uncles, and grandfathers shed their blood, sweat, and tears in Europe in the first and second world wars.  This is serious stuff.  It doesn't always feel good.  It isn't always pretty.  Many have died for this country and all it stands for.  

Please take the time for an informed decision about our future.  

And stay sober, OK?

1st Monday in November

(my leg, with an alaskan mosquito squished on it, while riding a bike, in Alaska)

One of my least favorite meetings at work is on the first Monday of every month.  What kind of sadistic person schedules a meeting for the first Monday?  I am still happy to be going to work. 

As I put on my shoes this morning, I thought about how grateful I am to have an opportunity to wear high heels on a daily basis.  There were years in my life when I had no excuse to wear heels, or even nice shoes.  In fact, there were years when I had only one pair of shoes at time, and I wore them until I wore them out and then it was time for a new pair.  Well, now I have quite the collection of shoes.  Running shoes, hiking boots, bumming around kind of tennies, water shoes, snow boots, high heel pumps, high heel boots, low heel dancing boots, clogs, crocs, sandals of all sorts, flats, kitten heels, etc.  I have brown shoes, black shoes, purple shoes, green shoes (more than one pair), blue shoes, silver shoes, and of course, red shoes.  

Why am I thinking about this, you may ask?  Because I am thinking about taking a trip to Rome in 2010.  And I am thinking about the money this will cost.  And I am thinking about how if I don't stop spending money I will never retire.  And it occurs to me that I don't really want to retire.  Why?  Because then I would have no good reason to wear high heels!

Welcome to my decision making process...

and let's stay sober today, OK?

All Souls Day

A day of commemoration of the faithful departed. 

The first day of standard time is one of my favorite days of the year.  I get an extra hour this weekend!  I love to wake up and have it be an hour earlier!  It is already mostly light outside and it is only 6 a.m.!  I am going to get out and run as soon as I finish this post and pray.  

I am so happy to be again training for a half marathon.  I love to have that focus and that reason to get out and run.  Running makes me a happier girl, but even though I know that, it is hard to get out and run if I don't have a goal in mind.  

I just don't have much to say today I guess.  While I was waiting for the water to boil for coffee this morning (I use a Melitta drip filter thing) I cleaned and polished the cabinets in my kitchen.  I guess that feeling of having an extra hour inspired me to do something I don't normally want to do.

Now I will get out and do something that I love!

Have a great sober Sunday everyone.

Home Group

This morning I went to my home group.  If you do not have a home group, you have no idea what you are depriving yourself of.  It is the most wonderful thing.  I seldom give advice, but here is some:  if you do not have a home group, get one - at once!

I have tried adopting other groups as my h.g., and I have felt at various times that I have had success at this.  But now that I have started to once again drive across town to the group and the people with whom I sobered up, I realize that it will always be my home, and there will never be another.  I know that some people move far away from where they sobered up and do not have the opportunity to go to their old h.g., but I do.  

So this morning I got to see Denny, who took me to my first meeting.  I got to see John.  About 12 years ago, that group moved and my friend Andy and I still went to the old meeting place (because it was still listed in the meeting book) and sat there in case anyone showed up.  We would get newcomers, coming to their first meeting.  John was one of those.  Andy and I both loved John and wanted so much for him to get sober.  He did get sober for a while, but then had a bad slip, lasting years and costing him everything he had.  

He has a year and a half of sobriety now.  He and his wife were able to regain custody of their kids within the last year.  He talked about trick or treating with his boys last night.  It was beautiful.  In the past, he would have sent his nanny out to do that "chore," and now that he is poverty-stricken, he is finding out what the true treasures in life really are.    He is also very wise and has impeccable taste, he told me that he couldn't believe I am almost 57 years old, and that I have a "timeless beauty!"  No wonder I love him!!!  

Life is peaceful and good today.  I am about to assemble a pot of homemade soup, and will let it simmer while I am out cleaning up the end of the fall leaves.  It just doesn't get much better than this.  

*in case anyone is wondering, I gave wellsphere permission to publish my blog on their health site ( I have very mixed emotions about this) and if I don't have a picture on my posts, they put one there... so I am putting a picture on almost every post now.  The pictures they place on my posts are really not to my liking at all... kind of new-agey, fakey spiritually, icky.  

Halloween

I like Halloween.  I am dressing up in a costume for work.  I used to go all out for this, but the last couple of years, I have used Halloween as an excuse to dress comfortably... I am going as a runner.  I can wear a bunch of comfy running gear and great shoes and be happy.  Yesterday I forgot that I had to take a tour of the entire hospital - I had 3 1/2 inch heels on.  My feet were not happy at the end of the day.  Today they will be compensated for yesterday's error in judgment.

I am taking a run this morning - and then coming back home, bathing, and getting dressed up as a runner!  What fun.

I hope you all have a wonderful Halloween, and that you all stay sober - just for today.

Creep-a-Rama

The race last night was the most fun race I have ever been in.  I am so glad my friend joined me because I would not have been able to finish it alone.  It was too scary!  Really!  Running through trails in the woods at night, with only your head lamp to light the way is spooky.  And I had NO idea we would have to cross through a river - twice! - in water up to our knees!  It was the best!  And we won a prize for best team name.  

Today I will go to work and give it my best shot for another day.  I may go and vote at lunch time.  I have never been so concerned that my voice be heard.  I have probably never felt so overruled in my life.  With that, I will shut up.  

And just wish you all another sober day.  

RTY

As I looked at a couple of blogs this morning and tried to post comments, I found myself staring at my keyboard without a thought in the world about what to write.  I noticed for the first time in my life that if you are staring blankly at a keyboard, the letters in the middle mix themselves up and it looks like the word "TRY".  

Tonight I am in a race.  A race on trails at night.  With spooky things thrown in for fun.  For me, I am spooked enough when I run in this park in the daylight... there are always animals about.  I tend to have run-ins with animals more than the average person.  My friend is running the race with me, and we will both have head lamps on.  That should help the fear factor.  I am looking forward to the race.

This morning as I read Syd's post about injuries and pain, I was struck by something.  He has lots of pain.  I can see that.  The tone of the comments were "take care of yourself," "honor your body," etc.  I just want to say Thank God that Syd is sailing and rowing and doing stuff.  I think the pain of a sedentary life is so much worse than the pain that comes as a result of fully living, fully participating in life.  An x-ray of my neck looks like a frankenstein monster, complete with bone grafts and titanium rods, I have had a doctor tell me he can't believe I am even able to walk, let alone run.  People don't understand why I continue to run... sometimes I really can barely walk...and sometimes it hurts like hell.  But!  I am not taking antidepressants, I am not living on pain killers. I am not wearing magnets and TENS devices.  I am living with the body God gave me, to the best of my ability.  

Sometimes things that hurt really help me.  Working the steps sure wasn't a picnic.  It didn't feel good all the time.  Being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous isn't always fun, it doesn't always feel good.  Doing the right thing often feels much worse than doing the expedient thing.  But feeling good isn't really the point, is it?  

I am so grateful that I get to walk through pain and hurt and difficulty to be a fully alive and sober human being.  

"Followers"

Blogger started this thing to the right ------>

in September.  At first I loved the little pictures of people sitting there.  I loved the idea of "followers" who liked my blog enough to put their little picture there.  Ego feeding?  Well, maybe.  

When I first started this blog, I had a couple of my own rules about what blogs I would link to in my sidebar.  I would not link if they had advertisements.  I would not link if they were overtly political.  I would usually not link if their blogs were written from the perspective of an "expert" in recovery.  

Now I have links, including pictures, of all sorts of blogs.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  If this blog is supposed to be about being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, shouldn't my links also reflect that?  Shouldn't they steer clear of politics?  Shameless advertising of treatment centers and books on "recovery"?

Yesterday, I lost one follower.  I can't even figure out who left, but the number is one less than it was 24 hours ago.  As one who tracks opinions for a living, who carefully gathers statistics and then tries to present them with veracity, it is weird to have such soft science on my very own blog.   

And I expect that this post will annoy one or two of you enough to remove yourselves from my "followers" list.  Don't worry, I won't know who you are... 

Have a nice day :)

What is Apple Butter?

Gosh, I didn't realize that so many people had never tasted apple butter.  From Wikipedia:  Apple butter is a highly concentrated form of apple sauce, produced by long, slow cooking of apples....  and it is spiced up with cinnamon and cloves.  It is yummy on buttered toast, or on pancakes.

So it is Monday.  I have a nice day at work today, just putting the last touches on tomorrow's presentation to Governing Body.   I have one meeting and it isn't until 3 p.m.  I may try to see if I can get out to a noon (AA) meeting.   I have my hour of prayer at church after work, and then Biblical School tonight.

I am grateful to be sober and alive and healthy and happy. 

And so begins another start to another sober week, care to join me?

Real People

Interfere with my blogging life. A lot of real people in my life this weekend. And although that is good, it is keeping me from blogging!  Well, and the 40 lbs. of apples didn't help either.  

Yesterday morning, my sponsee showed up here at about 6:45 a.m., and we headed across town to my home group.  It was really wonderful to be there, and to bring her with me.  I felt bad for her because people assumed she was new because they never saw her before, and she was with me, and I guess it just looked that way.  I don't think it bothered her.  But she is hardly new.  She has been in and around AA for over 8 years, but sober this time (and for good, I hope) since January 2007.  The meeting was good, really focused on recovery, program, steps, honesty, etc.  Not like the happy horsesh** meetings, about how wonderful we all are because we have new cars, houses, wives, and husbands.  

On the way home, we stopped at my favorite farmer's market in the universe.  She had never been there before.  I was shocked to see how different it looks in late October than it does in August.  We were the only customers, and there wasn't much inventory.  But I got a huge, bulging box of apples for $15.  So I have spent the weekend, between other things, making apple butter.  It is yummy and my house smells like heaven.  I still have one more batch on the stove now.  Apple butter takes a long time to make.  

My little grandbabies are here this weekend.  They are off to the museum with their aunt right now.  So I have a few minutes.  This morning I escaped the house for a while to run 6 miles.  The 6 miles were wonderful.  47º and windy, which felt cold at the start, but torrid by the time I finished.

Let's see, what else have I done this weekend?  Yesterday I raked what should be almost the last of the leaves on the lawn.   My neighbor and I worked for a couple of hours and got it knocked out.  It was fun.  I went to church last night.  The Pastor of my church gave a sermon about not being able in good conscience to ask for more money, he would be very grateful if people could just continue doing what they are currently doing - if they can - in this economy. It made me cry.  I have never heard such a message from the pulpit. And it confirmed for me that I made the right choice when I changed churches this year.  Today I ran to the grocery store with wet hair and no make-up after my run.  I told my daughter I would surely run into someone I know if I went out looking like that, and sure 'nuff, I did.  An old AA friend.  We stood and talked for a while.  It was nice.  But after I told her that I am training for a half marathon and getting to 4 or 5 meetings a week, she asked me if I am retired!?!  (she said she didn't have time to do all that)  But the message to me?  Do Not Leave The House Without Make-up Again.  Ever.  

So, I have my little laptop here, I am sitting on a gel hotpack on the sofa (my left hip is starting to bother me from running), and watching football.  I am going to take a nap in a moment, while the football game drones on, singing me to sleep.  

It is all just so nice and ordinary.  I am so grateful for any moments that are just ordinary.  It beats the heck out of the high drama I lived for so many years.  

Sobriety has been bery bery good to me.  

Saturday Morning

It is Saturday morning. My daughter and granddaughter are still asleep downstairs. I have had a cup of coffee and my morning prayer. I am waiting for a sponsee to get here and then I am taking her to a meeting at my old homegroup. If something fabulous happens, I may post later. For now...

Let's just stay sober today, OK?

Friday Morning

A photo from the trail I was running on yesterday

You know, it is hard to say I am not running this morning.  Today is not supposed to be a running day, but I feel so good I want to get out and run.  So my inner voice says:  

"Mary, get your running gear and get out there.  It is 48º outside already and there won't be many mornings this perfect to run for a long while." 

"But Mary, you are feeling good, so it is tempting to run, but you are NOT injured, and you should endeavor to keep it that way.  You have had pain most of the time for almost 2 years, much of it caused from over-training.  You should be careful not to over-train!"

"But I have to train for my half-marathon in January!"

"You are not injured and it is important to keep it that way!"

The Mary who does not want to be injured won this morning.  I looked back in my training log to see what I have done before successful races, and I am doing just about the right kind of training.  I am only up to 6 miles on my long runs, but I am certain I can get that back up to 13 miles without pushing it.  

I am certain that today will be a wonderful day at work.  Many of the managers who work in offices near mine have taken today off, it will be quiet and I can get a LOT of work done.  I am looking forward to it.  At noon, I am meeting with one of my favorite work friends, who is serving a lunch of green chile, salad, and tortillas while we work!

The grandbabies will be spending the weekend here with my daughter (their aunt) and myself.  It is nice to have them here when it is not just me.  When I am the only adult it makes me so tired I despair.  But with two of us, we can still do stuff and keep the little ones entertained.  

I am greatly looking forward to it.  It is so nice to feel that way when you wake up in the morning.  Looking forward.  Feeling happy.  It is good.  

23º morning run

It is 23º, and my run this morning was absolutely glorious!  I think I love cold weather, but don't quote me on that in the middle of February.  I woke up late, but then still did everything I normally do. So I am sitting here, dripping sweat, in my running clothes, and I need to be at work right now!!!

On my way back from my run, I dropped by my neighbor's garden to take some pictures of her roses.  She has a beautiful rose garden, but after a 20º night, they won't be beautiful by the end of today.  

And a really cool thing?  My neighbor is my friend.  She trusts me and would never mind me coming into her yard - we stand in our front yards and talk when we get home from work almost every night.   It is a wonderful thing to be a person other people can trust.

Gotta Go!

Fully Engaged

I just wrote and erased all the things that have me sort of frantically busy right now.  It just really doesn't matter.  I am too busy, but it shall ease up next week.  There were long stretches in my life when I was not employed, I guess I get to make up for that now.

This election needs to be over.  Now even when I go to the sitemeter for my blog, there is the smiling face of one of the candidates... the one I am not voting for.  Yesterday in my interim performance evaluation, my boss started carrying on about the "bad" candidate - the one I am voting for.  I bit my tongue, and he knew it... he has been my boss for 7 years - and he is a psychiatrist.  Oh, and he said I am doing "a great job."

I guess I will get dressed and get back to doing my great job...

Let's stay sober today, OK?

Tuesday

Yesterday I happened to show up at the 6:30 a.m. meeting for my friend Dick's 39th AA birthday.  What a wonderful thing that was!  I didn't know he would be celebrating there.  Most of the people at the meeting said things like "well, I won't live long enough to be sober for 39 years..."  and I kind of felt bad for them.  Dick has been sober over half of his natural life, and every time he shares, he says it just keeps getting better and better.  

I am a lucky one who got to AA at 32 beat up and desperate enough to grab onto the program with all I have, and with the help of God, I have not had a drink of alcohol since then.  I have now been sober 43% of my life, and I hope to live a long life, and stay sober for the rest of it.  One day at a time...

It's another busy day today.  I have a quarterly presentation to give next Tuesday, and after that I should get some breathing space.  I need some!

Monday Morning

The photo is from my run yesterday.  Most of the trail is along a creek.  I wish I could somehow capture the perfume of this trail and send it to you.  It is wonderful.

Today I will be busy from long before the sun comes up until long after it goes down.  I will start my day with my new meditation practice, then an AA meeting, then work all day, an hour of silent prayer at church after work, and then Biblical School.  

Though I had such a busy weekend and I never got a moment of "down" time, I am still looking forward to today.  I really do appreciate how nice my life is, even though it is a bit too crowded with activity.

Let's start another sober week, OK?

Sunday Afternoon

I am a little bit late to post today.  The class yesterday was awesome and I now will be spending 40 minutes each day in meditation.  It is different from what I was doing, and I think it will have a big impact on my life.  

I went for a 6 mile run this morning and had technical difficulties with my Nike + iPod, which I tried to address, so I was stopping a lot in an effort to get it to work right. I finally gave up.  But I didn't get home until after 12:00 p.m.  My son was already here, and had put the pasta on... I had already made sauce and it was simmering on the stove.  So, I had a table full of family at lunch today.  The girls wanted to "rake" after lunch, so I let them.  I have never left the leaves laying around for this long, but I am too busy/tired to rake them.  Some time this week... sure.

I am busy, I am tired, but I feel good.  I have that peaceful feeling in my heart, which I wouldn't trade for anything.  

Saturday Morning

It is a beautiful autumn morning.  To be followed by a beautiful autumn day.  It is supposed to get into the mid 70's this afternoon, which is a bit too warm for me.  But the leaves are in their glory and this place is just gorgeous! (the photo is from my run last Sunday - it was raining and overcast - today should be sunny.)

Today I am going to a one day retreat on contemplative prayer.  The keynote speaker is a man whose work I have followed and admired for a very long time. I  am quite excited about getting to see him in person and I hope to learn a lot.  

I took a mini-tour of some blogs this morning.  I don't believe I left one comment on any of them!  I am struck by the difference between people who have decided they are not going to drink anymore, dammit!  And those who have reached a bottom and have humbly asked for help.  Maybe it is a question of approaches, maybe a question of bottoms, maybe a question of personal temperament.  I think until you reach that bottom and humbly admit that you are unable to conquer alcohol, you have little chance of recovery.  Self-will is not the answer - if it was, we would have quit drinking on our own years before we caused the destruction we did.  

Thanks to the grace of a loving God, I was led to the welcoming arms of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous - and there you gently took me and put me back together.  Thank you!  

Driving Day

I am driving about a hundred miles to a town south of here for a meeting today.  I will spend the day revising policies.  This is not my idea of a good time.  And I won't even have the ability to check on my blog to post and reject comments.  

Somebody wrote to me yesterday about being afraid to go to her first AA meeting.  When she looked online for meetings, she saw all kinds of acronyms and abbreviations she didn't understand.  I wrote back and tried to explain all the kinds of meetings I could imagine - and explained what they might be.  She wrote later and told me she went to her first meeting - she will go to another one today.  I am so happy for her.  I pray that this is her new start in life.  A life without alcohol.  An honest life.  No more feeling that awful ache of loneliness and shame.  

What struck me as I wrote to her is that she could call her local AA number and that there would be a person just like me in her very own neighborhood who would be happy to take her to a meeting.  There are recovering alcoholics in every city and town across the United States (I can't speak for the rest of the world because I haven't been there).  A very important part of our recovery is helping others.   A couple of us blog so we are pretty public.  Most of us are happy to be humbly anonymous.  You don't have to travel far to find us.... we are there in your very own neighborhood.  

I will be one traveling sober alcoholic today.  Let's all stay sober no matter where we are, OK?

Excitement!

I have registered to run a half-marathon in Phoenix in January.  I have booked a room at the above hotel.  I will book my flights today.  I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.

I was just about to register for the race yesterday when I decided that I really could talk to my sponsor about it.  When I told her I was hesitant to spend the money, she just said "Hell, you spend more than that on one outfit!"  Well, she does have a point...

So I will spend the next few months training for a half-marathon.  And I have to say, if you are not a runner and you think I am taking half measures, try running 13.1 miles and see if you think that is HALF of anything!  For a 57 year old woman (which I will be in January), that is a long way to go.  And I am happy and grateful to go there.  (I tried training for a full marathon last year, and ended up so injured I am still not right.)

I have excitement in my heart about this race!  

Nothin'

Did you see the last episode of Seinfeld?  The one where they ran out of things to say to each other?  That's how I feel this morning.  

I wanted to rail about an ignorant comment I got yesterday.  I went to the blog of the person who left it and found a public/virtual/electronic suicide note.  What on earth?  Do I have a responsibility to contact the authorities?  I have no clue who this person is or where they even are.  But I feel like I am failing to do what I should do.  

I think if you leave a suicide note on a blog - your computer should automatically disintegrate.  You do not deserve to have a computer or a blog anymore.  You make anyone who stumbles onto your blog a co-conspirator in your death.  And you know what?  THAT IS NOT OK.

I have been visiting the blog of a person who went to his first meeting last week.  And then he went to a meeting on Saturday.  He was hurt by some of the comments we left him.  And he has not posted since.  I was worried about him for a day or so.  I am done now.  Most drunks never sober up, and the big book tells us not to pursue them.   Unfortunately, the fool under the hill found him and posted many insane comments.  Oh well.  The price of blogging.

Some days the world does not look like a nice place, and I am afraid this is one of them.  I will go out and run and I bet by the time I have finished my 4 miles I will have a different attitude.

Happy Tuesday Morning

This the new color of my bathroom.  It doesn't look like much of a color here, but it is really warm and pretty.   (if you look closely at the photo, you will see that I am not such a good painter, oh well.)

I am so excited this morning.  I have been thinking about running a half-marathon in January, and I think I have arrived at a plan.  We shall see.  I do know that training for a half-marathon will keep me running through the challenging months ahead, which will help my sanity.  I am heading into a heavy work time.  Every three years I spend at least 6 months preparing for "The Big Event" of my job.  Normally, I gain about 20 lbs. as I prepare for this event because I work so many hours, I skip meals and when I skip meals I gain weight at an alarming rate.  If I am running 20 miles a week, I will HAVE to eat regularly.  I will also HAVE to not work 3,000 hours a week.  

I am looking forward to getting back to work this morning.  So I better get to it.  

Let's all stay sober today, OK?

Columbus Day

Yesterday I took a lovely 5 mile run.  My time was good and I felt good.  As I ran, I saw many beautiful sights, running along a trail in the foothills is beautiful any time of the year, but I find it particularly so in the autumn.  The sight above really struck a chord with me.  I am not sure why.  I stopped to look at those leaves stuck in the fence.  Each cottonwood leaf is individually knotted onto the metal.  I imaged a couple standing in the parking lot the night before - maybe breaking up... maybe one of them is picking up leaves and tying them onto the fence in an effort to maintain his or her exposure... maybe... who knows?

I have the day off today, which I think is just wonderful.  Most people are at their jobs.  It is my 4th day off of work in a row, and that is really really good.  I needed this time off.  

This morning I went to church, and then I went into work just to pick up my work laptop.  I realized that I don't need to purchase Office for Mac in order to work at home - I have a laptop at work which can just as easily come home with me.  So, I will do some work this afternoon.  Working while sitting on your sofa and listening to Cistercian Monks chant is very different from sitting at a desk in your office, wearing uncomfortable clothing.  

After the meeting on Saturday, I stopped at Lowe's and got a gallon of paint so that I could paint my bathroom.  I painted it about a year and a half ago.  I hated the color almost from the moment I painted it.  Now I have a color I really really like.  I did that on Saturday night.  

You know, I need time off sometimes in order for the spaghetti of my mind to straighten out a bit.  I can't go 18 hours a day, collapse into bed at night and get up in the morning and do it all again, and still be able to think straight.  

It has been very very good for me to have these 4 days off.   I need to find a way to incorporate more rest time into my busy schedule.    I will do that!  

Have a great Monday everyone.

Somtimes it hurts to blog

You put yourself out there.  You are honest, for all the world to see.  Talk about exposure!  Most of the time, there is enough affirming response, or enough inner motivation, to keep you going.  But how it hurts to have someone come by and, based on reading a paragraph or two, insult you, disregard your experience, or tell you disgusting things like you are going to hell.  

Then, if you blog long enough, you will face that moment when you realize that you have gone far beyond your intended audience.  Most of us blog to the anonymous masses.  We put our innermost thoughts out there for strangers to read.  But the moment we find that someone we actually know is reading our blog, it is unsettling.     I have had to ask myself if I stand behind everything I say, and the answer is yes.  I have had to ask myself if I have said things about others that I would not say to their faces, and the answer is either no - or I need to remove what ever I said.  

About two years ago, I realized that I had to change what I write about.  I had written about a man I was dating and I ended up regretting it terribly.  So I don't do that anymore.  

About a year ago, I changed another aspect of what I was writing when a couple of friends from my home group started reading my blog.  Since I was no longer an anonymous blogger attending just any group, but people knew who I was and what group I was attending, I needed to be responsible about talking about people - even in a general way.  It is different when there are people who know who and what you are talking about.   You have to be responsible.

I have a couple of family members who read my blog on occasion.  One of them told me he found my blog and read some of it and realized that he was not my intended audience, so he stopped reading.  I told him he was welcome to read it.  It is, after all, public.  I just need to be responsible and have integrity.  I can't say irresponsible things and then expect no consequences.

However, it does change what you write.  Blogging goes from being a free-for-all, express-a-rama, to being something that you edit, second guess, and edit again.  

I started this post to talk about the drive-by commenters.  When you are a person who blogs identified as "a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous," you attract all kinds of people.  My very favorite comments are those from people who are seeking information about AA because they think they have a problem with alcohol.  And then, the bloggers, ah, how I love them.  My blogging peeps.  We are a great community.  And on the negative side,  it doesn't bother me most of the time when I get comments from people who hate AA or think it is stupid.  (I have a post entitled "why do people hate AA" and that gets a lot of hits from people searching for "i hate aa," etc.)   When someone crosses the line and tells me I am going to hell and saying horrible things about my father, that really annoys me.  But I just reject those comments.  

The ones I really dislike are the people who have set themselves up as the experts on AA.    All AA members are on a level playing field.  People sometimes listen to me based on my 24 years of sober experience, and I think that is valid, but I don't think it makes me an expert.  It doesn't give me the right to disregard others' experiences.  It just doesn't.  

Let's be kind to each other today, OK?

Stream of Consciousness

It is Saturday morning.  Traditionally my favorite time of the week.  In the last couple of years I haven't enjoyed it quite so much.  I have been so overwhelmed with work that I don't think I have had time to savor the small pleasures as I normally would.  So, since I took yesterday off work, I feel rested and relaxed and I am happy it is Saturday morning.  

I woke up at 4:30, I didn't know that though.  I opened up a little slice of eyeball, and looked at my bedroom clock and saw it flashing "2:30," "2:30," "2:30."  I knew the power had been off at some point in the night.  So I got out of bed to see what time it really was.  By that time, I was wide awake.  I will actually take a bath and put on make-up and do my hair to go to my new-old homegroup in a brand new pair of blue jeans this morning.  Then I will come home and run.  

Yesterday I went to the gun store to buy pepper spray.  When I got there, it wasn't there.  I called my son to find out where the gun store went.  I was amazed to hear that it has moved very near to an AA club that I have gone to probably an average of 3 times a week.  How I never saw the gun store is a mystery to me.  When I walked in there, I was absolutely amazed.  The place was packed.  With men!  They were all buying guns.  As I purchased my pink canister of pepper spray (that was the only color they had... weird), I told the salesman that I would probably be buying a gun soon, and asked him if business was good.  He said people are trying to buy guns while they still can.  Yep.  That is why I want to get one.  I have never wanted a gun before in my life, but I have never felt so much that I will soon need one.  

After I purchased my pink canister of pepper spray, I decided I really need a new pair of jeans.  Well, I knew I needed a new pair of jeans, but I decided that I actually had the time to go to hundreds of stores and try on thousands of pairs of jeans - until I found that one pair that would work.  OK, I am exaggerating.  But I went to 7 stores and tried on 10s of pairs of jeans.  At Ann Taylor, I finally found a pair that look nice, and they cost $78.!  How did jeans get to cost $78.?  I was more than happy to spend $78. after trying on jeans all afternoon.  It is almost as traumatic as shopping for a swimming suit!  Oh, and then I went to Victoria's Secret - and that is traumatic as well.  

I hate to throw this serious thing at the end of such a frivolous post, but yesterday in my comments, I got an eye-opener.  Shadow, who lives in Africa, shared about the experience of being in AA in Africa.  It is not very similar to being in AA in the US.  So for her, it is not even possible to attend 90 meetings in 90 days.  And much of the other standard advice, which is perfectly good for people living in urban areas in the US, is just nuts if you live in a remote area on another continent.  I seldom think about how spoiled I am with so much fellowship around me.  But I think sometimes we lean on the fellowship instead of God.  

I better go get ready for the meeting. 

Let's all stay sober today, OK?

____________________________________________________

Correction:  Posted at 12:45 p.m., Mountain Daylight Time:

It wasn't Shadow who commented about going to AA in Africa, it was Mary LA.  It is just amazing to me that two sober women from Africa commented on my blog yesterday.  Sorry I got it wrong - in so many ways.  It is definitely worth going to this post about life as an alcoholic in Africa.  

The Last Rose of Summer

It is a beautiful chilly morning in Colorado.  I did take the day off, so I will have a 4 day weekend.  I woke up thinking I would run, but I looked again for my pepper spray, and that led me into cleaning out a couple of drawers, and I then needed to have another cup of tea, and then I felt I needed a bath, etc.... and before long, I decided that I would run on my scheduled day - tomorrow, but definitely not today.  And I will buy another canister of pepper spray today.

Okay.  I have been reading blogs.  I am wondering about what happens to a new person when they hit a random any meeting in Anywhere, USA... or world.  I remember the things they used to tell me.  I don't hear this stuff much anymore... and much of it is not in AA literature, so people take issue with some of it.  But, I think it is worth repeating.

Don't drink - even if your butt falls off, don't drink.  And if you don't know what that means, try not drinking when your butt falls off, and you will learn what it means.

Go to 90 meetings in 90 days.  If you think you are too busy, maybe you need to drink more until you lose everything that is keeping you so busy.

Read the Big Book.  It is not called "The Basic Text," but it is our basic text.  Another fellowship calls their book "The Basic Text," not ours.  Read the Big Book as if your life depends on it, because it does.

Get a sponsor.  This is not like getting married.  It is finding someone who can help you. In this relationship, forever is until you change your mind.  We hire and fire sponsors all the time, solid AA members will not take offense to being fired, they just might be relieved.   Lucky are those of us who have found sponsors who have lasted a long time... it took me 11 years to find that one - she is still my sponsor 13 years later.

Don't take chemicals that will alter your mood.  Yeah, I know, you are all on anti-depressants now, but seriously, they used to tell us that.  Alcohol is a depressant, you won't know if you really have depression for a while.  And you need to work the steps before embarking on a new antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication.  It is amazing what changes the steps bring about! (I am not talking about people with serious mental illness who need to take their medications.)

Turn your thoughts to others.  If you have 24 hours of sobriety, that is 24 hours more than lots of people.  Try to reach out FOR help and TO help.  It will save your life when nothing else will. You ALWAYS have something to give to others.  Your mood will improve like you cannot believe when you stop thinking about yourself 24/7.

If you are not ready to quit drinking, please don't waste our time.  There are people who are literally  dying of alcoholism all around us, and when we spend time on someone who is just screwing around, we are depriving another person of an opportunity to live.  If you think you have a better idea about how to stay sober, do it.  We are not here to convince you that you are alcoholic or that you need AA.  AA does not claim it is the only way to get sober.  It is, however, the only way that worked for me... and countless others.  

And finally, AA is not a self-help program.  It is not about self at all.  It is about coming for help when we are desperate enough to ask God for help.  It is about ego DEFLATION.  Self-esteem may follow as a result of  living right for year after year, but we cannot seek self-esteem... you just can't find it by looking for it.  

  

If you are an alcoholic  - and they used to tell us that we were the only ones who could say we were - AA may be the best thing that even happened to you.  It has been for me.  But we are not here to convince you of anything.  Our way of life is radical, radically God-centered, and Other-centered.  It does not appeal to everyone.  It was not meant to.  It was meant to save the lives of a bunch of hopeless drunks... and it has done a darn good job of it!

Thanks for listening.

Pitch Black Morning

I can't find my pepper spray, but I am going to run anyway.  That is WAY brave for this scared of dogs and all other 4 legged creatures person.  

I went out with an old b.f. last night and I am very tired this morning.  Although I got home early enough, I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.  I spontaneously woke up at 4:00 a.m., and I am just tired.  

But I will go out and run anyway.  And then I will work all day anyway.  I will meet a sponsee for dinner tonight, and then come home.  I may see if I can take tomorrow off - and then I will have a four day weekend.  I am plumb tuckered.  I could use four days off.  

Remembering

I wanted to say first:  there is a new blogger, a young man named Kyle, who is going to his first ever meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous today.  If you have a second, go over and say hello.  

Yesterday, reading about an experience of blogger Steveroni, I was reminded of something that happened years ago.  I was sober 6 years, and living with my new husband in northern Washington.  Things got very bad between us (dangerously bad), and I left our home.  I had nowhere to go, so I drove to a nearby town and got a motel room.  I sat on the bed.  It seriously occurred to me that I had two choices: drinking or suicide.  At that point, those honestly seemed like my only options.  

I knew that I did not want to drink.  I had no question about that.  And although I was desperately unhappy because of my heartbreaking marriage, I didn't really want to die.  But what was I to do in a motel room in Mount Vernon, Washington?  

Thanks to six years of sober experience, I picked up the phone.  I didn't call my sponsor.  For some reason, I called a woman in AA who I was not particularly close to.  I think calling her was one of those intuitive thoughts that come to us.  She answered her phone.  I said "Hi Jeri."  Without hesitation or any other small talk, she said "where are you?"  I told her.  She didn't ask any more questions, she just said, "I will be right there."  

No kidding.  She didn't need me to tell her anything.  She knew I was in trouble and without a second's hesitation, she drove over to help me.  She did help me.  We went and ate - I hadn't eaten in a while.  She listened to me.  She showed her care and concern for me, and that was a revelation to me.  

Of course, I did end up going back to my husband and things got much worse for a couple more years.  But I will never forget how Jeri came to that motel room and likely saved my life.  I was in serious trouble.  

I hope that I have been able to express my gratitude forward.  I hope that I have been able to be the kind of person who answers the phone and hops in the car.  I know that sometimes I haven't wanted to be.  Sometimes I would just like to not always be "on call."  But we really need to never quit being on call for another brother or sister alcoholic.   I owe my very life to Jeri and others just like her.  

"I once knew a woman who was crying before a meeting. She was approached by a five-year-old girl who told her, 'you don't have to cry here. This is a good place.  They took my daddy and they made him better.'  That is exactly what AA did for me; it took me and made me better.  For that I am eternally grateful."  -- Alcoholics Anonymous (4th ed.), p. 431

36º

Today is a scheduled run day.  It is 36º, and I don't know where my running gloves, hat, and other cold weather gear is - I haven't needed it for months.  And I didn't expect to need it so soon.  We shall see if I get out there and run or not.  

I just realized that the Martin Luther King holiday is on the Monday after the P.F. Chang's Rock 'n' Roll Marathon in Phoenix.  I could conceivably go there for the weekend without needing to take any time off from work.  I think I shall do that.  And then I will have something positive to focus on for the next three months - yeah, you can remind me that I called it positive when I am whining about being 57 years old (in a little over 2 months) and training for a half-marathon.  

Okay, now I am psyched and I think all that stuff is in the trunk of my car.  I  am going to put on my cold weather clothes and head lamp and head out the door in the cold, dark morning and run!  

Let's stay sober again today, OK?

Monday, hit the ground running

It is Monday.  It is relatively late.  I need to be at work soon.  I have a lot of work to get done today through Thursday.  I can either look at that with panic and dread, or I can look at it as a juicy challenge.  I think I shall try to look at it as a delicious challenge.  

Today I need to work all day, then I have a doctor's appointment at 5, and then Biblical School from 7 to 9.  By 9:30 or so when I get home, I will be dead on my feet... but that is a good thing too.  I will be able to sleep soundly.

My daughter got home last night.  She had a wonderful trip and brought lots of gifts for everyone.  She brought me some things that are just so lovely.  I am so glad to see her back home.  

Lets stay sober today, OK?

Retail Therapy

Yesterday I went to the Apple Store to get software compatible with my microsoft applications at work... so that I could work from home this weekend.  Well, I walked in that store and saw all those pretty new ipods and thought about spending the same amount of money for software so that I can WORK from home - using my own time and money... well, I just didn't do it.  I bought a new iPod.  Oh, it is so nice.  

I went for a trail run at sunrise this morning.  It was glorious.  I am so blessed to be a healthy sober woman living in one of the most beautiful places on earth.  

My son is coming over later to watch the football game with me.  I am making pizza... two different kinds.  One with tomatoes, onion, and garlic - that I will roast and then puree into sauce... yummm.  The other will have figs, caramelized onions, goat cheese and arugula.  Guess which one my son is likely to eat?  

My daughter should be home from her european trip later today.  I am so looking forward to seeing her and hearing about her trip.  She sent me post cards with pictures of beautiful cathedrals in many different places.  

Being sober is a very good deal.

Everything that is old is new again

I went to my old homegroup this morning.  And I think it is now my new homegroup.  I sat in that room and felt I belonged.  Not bigger than, not smaller than, just right.  Goldilocks has her just right group.  I sat next to the man who took me to my first meeting 24+ years ago.  We have both been sober since.  

Two old boyfriends were there.  And when I say "old" in this case, I mean really old.  I used to like older men, and these guys are now geriatric.  

Life is good when you are where you are supposed to be... doing what you are supposed to be doing.  

LIving in the World

I'm coat-tailing on Pammie again.  She wrote about not writing about stuff this morning.  Last night we had an e-mail exchange about this very thing.  

I was watching the debate, with my laptop in front of me, watching what was happening on the blogs (political blogs) as well as what was on the TV.  That was fun, and although I think as sober people we are supposed to be citizens again and pay attention and participate, I won't subject you to my opinions here.  10th tradition, you know.  And yes, like Pam, I do have opinions.  They are informed opinions.  I do not just spout off crap that I think sounds good.  And my opinions usually are counter to just about everyone else I know, so I know I am not just trying to fit in.  

There has been a bunch of "stuff" going on in my life that I will no longer write about here.  I used to write about it, but then I would have people "drop in" and blast me in the comments.  Not knowing the first thing about me or what was going on.  Alcoholics love to bombard each other with meaningless and unsolicited advice.  And in case you think I might be speaking about you, if you are a regular reader I am not.  I have gotten rid of all but one of those readers.  

I went to the public library last week for the first time in 15 years?  Now instead of lots of good books, there are a few shelves of books and a huge bank of computers.  There was a slight waft of body odor as I walked by.  There were lots of backpacks and grimy clothes and people furiously pounding keyboards.  I imagined a similar library, on the other side of our planet, with a poor, mentally ill person who doesn't even know his name, sitting in a library, pounding a keyboard, reading my blog, and sending me comment after comment after comment telling me I am going to hell.  

The world has really changed.  I participate in the changes I like.  I like this blog, or at least I used to.  But I don't like that someone half a world away can take my pictures and my writing and pervert it and blast it all over the place.  I recently checked out all the links in the world to my blog.  I was amazed to see that this person is high on the list of referrers to my blog.  I was also amazed to see that there is a porn blog that has photos of porn, with my writing.   Maybe our friend should target that blog instead of mine.

The blog of a 56 year old woman who is sober 24 years.  The blog of a practicing Roman Catholic, and that is totally inappropriate to talk about here.  The blog of a person who has a profession that I never talk about here.  The blog of a mother, grandmother, aunt, sponsor, friend, and neighbor.  Some of you do know me pretty well.  Casual readers don't.  This blog is only supposed to be a general blog about being a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I don't write specifically about my religion because of the traditions of AA.  I don't write specifically about my politics because of the traditions of AA... etc., etc., etc.

I am crabby this morning.  I will go to work and after work I will go get my hair colored and cut.  And since the whole world now has this short bob, I think I shall change my 'do.  I might get it cut short since I do that every couple of years.  

Have a good day everyone.  

Running in the Dark

This is a picture of me wearing my new head lamp.  This morning I woke up and opposite of the way I normally operate, I was rushing to get out and run before it got light!  Usually I am waiting for daylight, and waiting, and waiting.  

Yesterday I wrote something I probably shouldn't have about someone I shouldn't be talking to or about.  Sponsorship is a funny thing.  It is one of the things about AA that critics find the most objectionable.  It can appear to be a vulnerable person turning their will and life over to the care of another alcoholic.  That would be a misuse of sponsorship.

I find that it is good to have a sponsor.  It is good to have someone to talk to who knows me well, and has known me for a long time.  My sponsor is not afraid to tell me when she thinks I am off base.  She is very honest with me.  I run ideas by her, because sometimes my judgment is not the best.  Alcoholics are good at going off on tangents being convinced that we are right and justified.  Sometimes we get in serious trouble doing this.  Being honest with  a sponsor can prevent this from happening.  

And about time in sobriety:  When I was sober for 4 years, a woman with 17 years of sobriety asked me to sponsor her.  I was so flattered.  I was honored!  I was thrilled to be her sponsor!  And my ego was inflated like you couldn't believe.  After a short while, I realized that this was not a good deal.  She was appearing to be very humble by asking a short timer to sponsor her, but what she was doing was being very manipulative.  I would suggest things to her as her sponsor and she didn't pay much attention to it - she, after all, had so much more experience than I did.  It was one of the creepier experiences I have had.  

OK, I need to get ready for work and get out of here.  Have a nice day everyone.  

Wednesday , in a hurry...

Yesterday I got sick again.  This is getting OLD I tell you!  Migraine with its attendant nausea.  I got home from work and placed myself on the sofa and swathed myself in a wonderful hand-knit (by me) afghan and read a wonderful book on the Saints that my sponsor sent me.  Then the phone started ringing.  

Why do people call me when they know I am going to tell them off?  I try so hard to bite my tongue, and then I try to say it with love, and then I try to at least say it softly... but it always sounds so hard to me.  

But when a fellow sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous calls and asks me what they should be doing - am I supposed to candy coat that?   My first question was: do you have a sponsor?  I knew the answer was no, but I felt the question was still worthy.  My next question was:  why don't you get a sponsor?  Well, this man has been sober for over 20  years and therefore knows more than anyone else.... hmmmm.  I told him there were plenty of people who are sober longer than 20 years who could sponsor him.  Well, he said he has history with all of them.  Well.  That does sound like a problem.  

A problem of arrogance.  

God help us when we think we have all the answers and have no more to learn.  

God help us when we can no longer humble ourselves to people we may not like, but need to love.  

We don't come to Alcoholics Anonymous to show off our great selves, but to humble ourselves to our problem.  We share a common problem, and a common solution.  COMMON.  Not special.  Common.  Humble.  

I happen to believe that is why we start our shares with "My name is Mary, I am an alcoholic." Plain old Mary.  Plain old alcoholic.  Not special.  Not hyphenated.  We are all on the same level.  We share a problem and a solution.  

Unless of course you don't need it.  And if you are an alcoholic, God help you.