Photo from my office window taken the other night. I thought the sky was so pretty. I wasn't going to post today. I really have not much to say. I feel vaguely stupid for posting my life here for your approval or not. This happens from time to time.
Most bloggers really don't care - they just post what they want to post and care little about the response. Probably they are healthier than I am. I have had these conversations at great length with many - most of them have pulled the plug on their blogs since.
I have always looked at my blog as a dialog, not a monolog. I will admit that I have the floor for most of the dialog. But would I get on the phone and talk to myself? no. Would I stand at a podium in an empty hall? no.
So, why do I come here every day and put my life out here? I think I have a mission. But I could easily be misguided about that. Someone came by last week and blasted me for not having a clue about the 12th tradition kind of anonymity. Some of you came to my defense, and I thought that was nice. But I will admit the guy has a point (I am assuming the commenter was a man for some reason). This blog is within the letter of the law as far as 11th tradition anonymity. But when it comes to spiritual anonymity referenced in the 12th tradition, I think I am way off the mark. This blog is about me! me! me! And that is certainly not in keeping with the 12th tradition.
My mission here is to write about being "one sober alcoholic." That used to be my blog name, but then another came along and used a name so similar to mine that it confused even me. So I changed my name. But that is all I want to do. Just write about being sober, one day at a time, and what that looks like - the good, the bad, and the ugly sometimes. It has been helpful to people, mostly people who never leave a comment but will occasionally write me an e-mail. It has been a pleasure for me for the most part.
I am a student of the Bible - I have been studying proverbs. I wish I knew how many times the Proverbs tell us to keep our big mouths shut. I feel like I am not doing that very well. Here I am, flapping my jaws, proverbially speaking of course, into the wind. Read me! Read me! Read me! I will tell you all about me! me! me!
I have another, slightly more devious, mission. If you look on the internet for information about AA, what you will find is frightening. I know that there is the official website. I know that the big book and other literature is posted online. But if, like me, you are looking for personal experiences of people when making a decision about something, what you will find about AA is downright scary. There are people with agenda out there. And they are successful at getting the anti message front and center. I have written extensively over the last year or so about the fact that AA does work. Because it does and I think modern people who use google to find everything have a right to know that as well as all the information from our detractors.
When I looked for a new dentist I used google to find reviews of dentists. When I looked for a car, I used google - searching for phrases such as "my Rav 4 sucks" or "I love my Rav 4" - and believe me, I found a host of information. Not technical info, just stuff posted by people who are feeling something about their cars. I want to know stuff like that before I make a huge decision. When my Passat went to hell in a hand-basket, I googled that and found that those cars last only 50,000 miles - exactly what mine did. $30,000 for 50,000 miles - not such a good deal.
One of my relatives got sober a few years ago. Before he ever set foot in a meeting, he had read the big book - online. He found the information he needed on the internet. He has been sober ever since.
When I got sober, I called AA. Based on what I knew from my own life, I knew that AA worked. So, I called. Someone came and got me and took me to a meeting. The rest is history.
Over the years, more than a few people have read my blog before ever setting foot in a meeting. I don't know if that is good or not. Recently I have gone to the blogs of some people who have told me things like that. I was horrified to see that they are trying to get sober without AA or steps or giving up their old way of life. You cannot get sober by reading a blog folks. I never intended for anyone to get their information about AA from my blog. I just wanted a bit of a web presence for something positive about our beautiful program.
I really don't know where I am with this. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those posts that I remove later in the day. And I have spent a half hour writing it when I need to get out of here.
Thanks to the people I have come to love through this blog. I really really appreciate you.
16 comments:
It seems that there are fewer and fewer comments. I wish that there would be more feedback on blogs in general. I don't think that dialogue in a vacuum is productive. But I do enjoy writing so I get pleasure just from doing that. Some days there is nothing much to say, other than life is status quo. I appreciate your being here. You are a constant, as are Dave and Mary LA. That is a good feeling.
I miss some of the bloggers who have gone. This blog has been a great source of inspiration and foundation for me.
I hadn't thought much about it becuase there are comments that happen on my blog, but not by some of the people who I read and comment on. I have no idea whether what I write is acceptible or not, most of the time I write just after I've prayed in the morning and have read a bit of the book, a few blogs and the other books I read to meditate upon (bible, god calling, daily reflections, sometimes other books) and I find it becomes a conversation with me and God too... because as I open myself up and share honestly, God comes in and makes changes, you all share your views, there happens to be an inspired corrolation sometimes to what someone else has written ... on the other side of the US, its all so cool really.
When I started my blog it was ugly, it was before AA, it had awful attitude , then it moved and changed as I began to experience a new idea of God, one that I never had, and now it has moved and changed more as I have written steadily about my life in recovery what I find, what I believe at the moment, what inspires and drives me.
It's for better or worse, me. I'm not scared of you knowing me and seeing me anymore. I was once. I hid and manipulated in put-on characters and lies.
I've made the mistakes in anonymity, I hope that I've kept the 11th and 12th traditions as well as I would if I were working in the area of CPC and PI committees. I believe, having read about all the facets in the literature and participated in a lot of conversations about it over the last few months, that I have.
I care that people don't comment, especially the people who I believe are foundational to my being a part of the fellowship here in blog land. But if I quit just because of ya'll not commenting on my blog frequenly... well that would really reflect a flaw in my spirit. I want people to participate, but it's not up to me who does, its up to me to put myself out there in God's world and allow him to build and do with me, and I can't stop or start without the power to (like drinking I just don't really get to choose how God is expressed in my life, when I love things I participate, when I don't I force it and fail or stop). I love this blog fellowship, I love AA, I love God and I love that it all continues to move and grow and change. I guess thats why I stay surpassing those that decide they're done now. I miss them, but I'm so grateful they were here a while showing me, and others like me, the way they walk.
Thanks for staying on, for keeping the faith and spirit of this fellowship alive here, for being transparent too! Your writing and honesty encourage and show a faith in the power of God and AA here, at least to me you do.
I wish I had read your blog years ago when I was still drinking and miserable. Maybe I would have gotten to AA sooner. You do a fabulous job of telling readers that IT WORKS!
I only recently found your blog but I am enjoying it.
As someone who has been sober for 15mos I can say that AA DOES scare me. I have not been to a meeting in a year now. And, you know what turned me off to it? When a young lady was only sober for 72hrs and stood up to discuss what she was going thru. She was asked after 2min to sit down and to only listen since she didnt have enough sobriety under her belt to be speaking yet. That. combined with some woman who randomly called my house on a Sat morning asking how I was doing.
Honestly, it made me VERY uncomfortable. I felt pressured and at that that time I just wanted to go, remain quiet and not deal with strangers calling me up or asking for my number.
I do plan on going back again (soon).
Not sure what I am getting at, other then I did enjoy your post :)
I am constantly removing or altering posts Mary Christine. I am going to go and re-post something on my blog as soon as I post this comment. It might be of help to you, it might not. I am powerless over the eventual outcome of the re-post. I removed it, through fear, and am not sure therefore why I am returning it. It was to do with religion, in a way. So, why re-post? Probably because it is the truth. But maybe, it just might help, a sufferring alcoholic. And the blue card in my pocket tells me, I am responsible.............
Oh, by the way, I love you. Did I ever mention that?
I write for myself but also for a handful of sober friends and bloggers who I know read me on a regular basis. Blogging helps me to stay sober but I'm not sure it helps others. I do believe that everyone who is able to get to a meeting should do so and get as involved as possible in AA -- but I know there are many recovering alcoholics who are socially isolated or disabled by deafness or lack of mobility, Tourette's syndrome etc.
Several of my readers who want to connect with me do so via email. I have no idea who else reads me -- there are substantial (to me) numbers that fluctuate from time to time. I probably would go on blogging even if nobody read the blog.
Don't remove it.
I get fewer comments too, but why would I expect a lot of comments on the things I'm grateful for?
I still do a gratitude list online because otherwise I probably would not do one. Thus, many things for which I need to be grateful would go unnnoticed by me.
You pose a lot of interesting questions on this and I think it comes down to being an example of this program. My sponsor always told me that this is a program of attraction not promotion. I try to stick to that on my blog, relate my OWN experience, protect the anonymity of anyone I may reference and be honest with myself.
Mostly I find you are right about what I get out writing my blog, but I'll tell you I've heard from a few people that have come across my blog how it helped them.
In this day in age it's another way to carry the message.
Keep doin you.
I've been mulling over blogging lately, too. Sometimes wondering if my blogging time is coming to an end. And yet. There's always that ...and yet... that keeps me going.
That is a beautiful sunset. I never tire of them.
You always share the most beautiful pictures.
I don't have much to say in regards to the AA traditions and your blogging, but I blog for my own reasons, too. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't be so honest on my blog, even though it is my journal. But that doesn't make any sense!
I think sharing the way I do on my blog benefits me and anyone it is meant to benefit (as God sees fit). I think the same goes for you, too.
I've been an alanon for awhile, but I'm still a beginner. I've been a bible studier for awhile but I'm still a beginner. I've been a runner for awhile but I'm still a beginner. And... I've been a blogger for awhile but I'm still a beginner. Beginners are often more enthusiastic, I don't think that's me. but I am more eager to learn, as a beginner. I read blogs every day but I'm still a little too self conscious to blog every day. I like yours.
I like reading you too.
I hope you continue.
MC, don't you DARE remove this post!! You, dAAve, SoberNuggets Scott, Scott W., and a handful of others who share their experience, strength and hope online (and yes, it is real and not so pretty at times!) are the people who kept me coming back when nothing else would. I am sober today because of YOU! Not JUST you, of course, but please never underestimate the power that being honest and real in a format that all the world can see has for those who are desperate and seeking the solution. As for that commenter... well, I'm not supposed to take someone else's inventory because WE DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE. Anonymity has more to do with protecting other alcoholics. If you want to tell the whole entire world you're an alcoholic who has found the solution and that has happened in the context of AA, that's your business, as long as you aren't revealing anyone else's identity or membership in our fellowship. (At least that's how it's been explained to me.) Regarding fewer comments - LOL!! I am SUCH a comment whore and I'm lucky if someone comments once every 2 weeks. For me, it's been a reminder of the main reason I do this: to keep myself sober by sharing my recovery even when it stinks, because if I'm not honest, I'm already in relapse mode, and I don't want to be there! Sorry for the rant and randomness, but please hold on to the truth that even if people aren't commenting, they're still reading, and still finding the hope and courage they need to take the next step. xxoo (((HUGS TO THE MAX!!)))
Why do we make everything so complicated? Your motives are pure and you are honest about your feelings. If you love writing, write. I like what they say in our Al-Anon closing, take what you like and leave the rest. You can't please everyone so just do what you need to do for yourself. My rigid thinking got me here in the first place. Who ever is suppose to read your blog will. So let go and let god do the rest.
Thank you so much for your blog. Please know that sharing your blog is a gift to others and thank you!! I think blogging is a personal thing and if someone really has anger about you sharing your AA experiances they don't understand that it helps others. Some people are just not in a good place, but I'm glad you are, thank you for your blog!!! I read a lot of different blogs and I learn so much from them all.
I like PJ's response. Please keep blogging!!
I'm obviously skewed, but I think we are to be anonymous, not invisible. Carry the message!
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