I'm not on the ocean on this vacation. I am in a church basement in North Denver. But the photo is from my vacation last summer, when my daughter and I went to the ocean after the International AA Convention in San Antonio, Texas. I sat on the balcony of our hotel room and watched the sunrise, from pitch black to bright daylight. It was nice for this landlocked person.This week I am in a church basement working on an icon. I am grateful that I blogged about the last one I did because I know that I complained of being exhausted five years ago. I am exhausted now. The class officially starts today, but I have already been working on my icon for two days. Yesterday, I gave up when it was already after 8 p.m., I was having terrible difficulty getting the gold to adhere to the halo. So, I shall hit it this morning, hopefully fresh and full of energy and willingness to have new lessons in humility.
I am fighting something we alcoholics ironically call "perfectionism." A better term might be "quit before we try-ism," because I want to get it right, without effort, and without any difficulty. Barring that, I would like to simply walk away. In my warped mind, I want my teacher, who has been doing this for a lifetime, to say to me - "oh my goodness, Mary! You are a natural! Who ever saw such a beautiful thing?" Instead I am hearing "don't worry, we can fix this."
That urge to be at the top of the heap, and if not the top, then the bottom, or walk away - is something I have had to pray to be released from, for all of my life. Most of the time these days it is not something I even think about. But when trying something new and challenging, it does come up.
God is with me every step of the way, so when I ask him for help, it is there. I think I shall ask him.
8 comments:
I had to give up the perfectionism. It ate me up. I do the best that I can and if things become too stressful, then I have to settle. I don't like settling but realize that some things are not worth worrying over.
Just enjoy the experience!
Sometimes, I have to just remember WHY I'm doing something.
The fun is in the effort, that is what we often miss. Too often I go in circles attempting perfection but when I simply enjoy myself and realize nothing really hinges on the end result....I am happy with the result.Lowering expectations is tough but worthwhile.
well, at least you're aware, there's hope for you yet! :-)
Oh girl I laughed out loud. I want to be perfect at things I never even tried or want to try.
I'm glad you're doing this sugar butt.
I wrote this on my blog, but since I have no followers I thought I would share it here:
When I got sober. I went to meeting daily, worked the 12-steps with women in a step-study. Then I was fixed. Running smooth. Or so I thought.
Now I realize alcoholics are like cars; We need to keep the engine tuned-up or else it breaks down. Sometime we crash because of poor maintenance. A tire might fall off or the brakes could fail.
Usually when this happens we are already heading downhill, so stopping is impossible.
Sometimes the wrecks are fatal.
There are almost always injuries.
Sometimes we hit other people when we crash.
Sometimes, they, or we, never recover from the accident.
We say, "It was an accident. I never meant for it to happen."
Still, we are at fault. We caused it.
We heard the knocks, saw the bald tires, smelled the smoke, but continued to drive anyway.
I'm knocking, smoking and shaking.
I'm pulling over.
Better yet, I'm taking her back into that shop called AA for a complete tune-up, new tires, brakes... the works.
My tools are a little rusty as well... I need some new ones in case I break down in the middle of nowhere.
In my dry-ness, I have been looking for a mechanic, a good strong man, who can make my engine purr.
All it did was sputter even worse.
Alcoholics are a unique model, and we need to be serviced by the manufacturer... a Higher Power.
My new sponsor has worked in the service department for some time, trained by the best, following the instructions of our Designer.
I can't wait to get back on the road... to recovery.
It IS "putting one foot in front of the other" which gets us to a place--like running, only it's walking (for me).
PEACE!
The older I get, the more People I meet from "back then". But now, there is no blood shed, nor even a bruise showing. (Maybe an amend?)
Look forward to a photo of the icon one day. Understanding there is no way you can impart totally the experience of this week.
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