Thursday, September 08, 2005

Doubts

I am not sure having this blog is a good idea. I think it may be extremely ego-driven to have an "anonymous alcoholic" blog. Like I am it. The one, the only - THE anonymous alcoholic!

I asked a friend to take a look at it and let me know what he thought. He thought that this isn't about recovery from alcoholism if I say I am only sober by the Grace of God. Boy, talk about something I don't want to get into a debate about! This is my soul here and I don't know if I want to put it out there like this. Really, I might not be cut out to be a blogger at all!

In my other blog, I got into a neat conversation with another sober person. Well, it didn't start out so neat. He was posting comments on my blog and let me say we are polar opposites in most of our beliefs - about politics. But I visited his blog and discovered that he is an AA member. Well, I wanted to talk with him about that but didn't want to put it on my blog because it has my first and last name and I think a blog might be pretty public.

I thought a blog might be a nice place to post thoughts about the life of a sober person. However, although I am sober and I thank God for that, I am NOT the sterling example, the shining beacon, the paragon of sober virtue. I am simply a terrible, terrible drunk who got sober and I absolutely REFUSE to take credit for that. I REFUSE to call the steps "work". I REFUSE to say "it works if you work it". It just works.

Of course, as a sober person, I have found it necessary to follow the simple directions as outlined in the big book. Of course, I go to meetings. Of course, I have a sponsor. Of course, I sponsor others. When I consider the miraculous life I have been given, I hardly think that I somehow earned it by doing this paltry amount of "work."

My home group meets tonight and I usually sit between my sponsor and my sponsee and that is about the best feeling in the world. To know that I am a link in the chain of Alcoholics Anonymous.

3 comments:

Rebel In Westchester said...

Hi Mary,
I think an AA blog is a wonderful idea. I think that speaking of your experience, strength and hope in a public forum will definitely help someone. Even if it helps only one person, it is a success. When I started my blog, I could not decide whether to make it about recovery, my art, or just a daily journal. I ultimately decided to set no boundries and will post about any and all of it at any given time. My personal anonymity is something that I don't worry too much about. I do guard the anonymity of others and would never break it. I am actually very glad you started this blog for just that reason. I was concerned about crossing that line on the other blog. I will be going to the sites you posted to see what they are like.

I agree with your view on "working" the steps and that we don't "earn" sobriety. I say this as a qualification to what I am about to say. In my opinion, we find the doors of AA because we hit a bottom, whatever that bottom may be, and made the conscious decision of, "I have had enough. I can't do it anymore. I need help.". It was a choice we made as humans. We make another choice when we take the third step. When we "made a decision to turn our lives and our will over to God as we understood Him", that was a choice, both to let God's will guide our lives instead of our own will, and to continue with the program by following it's simple suggestions, one day at a time. When I say that I am sober by the Grace of God, I am affirming that I have chosen to try to do His will rather than my own, as well as affirming my gratitude for removing the the compulsion to drink, and giving me the chance to make the choice of living a sober life. God has given humankind the power of choice from the very beginning, and we still have that power today. When I relapsed, it wasn't because God had forsaken me, it was because I had forsaken Him, and made the choice to drink again. So,(again, this is my opinion only) God's Grace is always there for me when I choose to accept it by being willing to surrender and do whatever it takes not to pick up the next drink. The drink is always only an arm's length away and it is my choice alone to pick it up.

On a lighter note, I got all worked up for nothing regarding the meeting in the Bronx. I wasn't even supposed to speak. It was a step meeting. My sponsor's wife had a sponsee that was doing the outgoing. We just went to lend group support. It was a ninth step meeting, and one of the best step meetings that I have ever been to.

You mentioned telling your story here. I would love to read it. I have also thought of posting mine on my site. Like I said earlier, if it helps just one person then it was a good idea. So I probably will. And please don't cancel this site. It really is a great idea.

Have a great day,
Rick

Mary Christine said...

Hey Rick!
Thanks so much for the support. I really appreciate it.
I also appreciate your perspective on "choice". I agree that I have to be willing to surrender, and that I can turn my back on God and his grace.
On the other hand, I feel that I have done nearly everything wrong that a person could do in their sobriety and somehow I am still sober today. I guess the one thing I "did" right was always having the desire to do God's will - even though I had some pretty strange ideas of what God's will was. And I never left AA. No matter what was going on, I have always gone to meetings and been in touch with other alcoholics.

Anonymous said...

God Bless us, every one.