Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Grateful this isn't a hangover

Yesterday morning I woke up with a migraine. I get them occassionally. I have also had nausea with this one, which I don't usually get. I came home from work early yesterday and took to the sofa. I tried to watch Monday Night Football, but didn't even have the ability to focus on a football game. My head was pounding, I was fighting the urge to vomit, and I was shivering because I was so cold.

This reminded me of so many days I spent while I was still out there "having fun" and "enjoying life" - in other words, drinking alcoholically (sp?) I cannot even fathom the idea of getting this sick voluntarily!

When I think of the young woman I once was it makes me so sad. To think of a beautiful young woman (I can say that now about myself - past tense) spending entire days in bed, shaking, vomiting, waking up in a pool of urine, with a head hurting so bad I wished I could die. And then going and doing the same thing the next night. It is amazing. And so sad.

While I was suffering so terribly with this disease called alcoholism, I felt so much guilt, remorse, and shame. I didn't realize that I had no more control over the course of my illness than I have over gravity, or whether the sun will come up in the morning.

I just thank God that I found Alcoholics Anonymous and admitted I was powerless over alcohol and have not had to be that sick for over 21 years now. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.


JJJK said...

Powerless over alcohol? Is that what AA's about? Never knew. And can't say I agree either. But whatever works, works well. I went sober for six months, from the first of March to the first of September, this year. Toasted the occasion on the last day, and haven't been steadily scoffing since, though wrote myself off last night on another exploration of the holy grape, once again seeing this morning the sort of person I am. And I don't like the guy too much, or the other drunken fools around me. An old girlfriend called it Monster Juice. My brother stopped completely two years ago. Just stopped. I am going to do the same. Again. Because if I do not stop I will not stop. But I am not powerless. Why am I telling you this? Because I am relatively new to computers and I wanted to tell someone out there what I could be doing to myself again, maybe this wheel around on a much grander scale, who knows, especially when you consider the recent announcement of my girlfriend's pregnancy and the increased capacity for the juice I've acquired in this my 33rd year. So listen. I am going to stop. I am saying this to you. You are my witness. For this, I thank you. I am grateful. From one range of mountains to another.

Mary Christine said...

I wish you the best. If you are not alcoholic, you should not have too hard of a time of quitting. If you are alcoholic, I am afraid you have a long road ahead of you.

Yes, AA is about being powerless over alcohol. Do you see any irony here? I have not had a drink in over 21 years and I admit I am powerless over alcohol. You have a terrible hangover and the remorse that goes with it, and yet you proclaim that you are able to quit.

I truly hope that you are right. For me, it was like standing in front of a freight train and trying to stop it. As an alcoholic, I may be able to stop for periods of time, but once I drink, I cannot control the amount I drink or what will happen. Or as some of us say - I didn't get in trouble every time I drank, but every time I got in trouble, I was drunk. Back to the train analogy, admitting I am powerless over alcohol is like admitting a train will go by and stepping off the tracks instead of trying to stop the train.

Best Wishes to you.