I was on my way home from work tonight and stopped into a local meeting - 45 minutes late. A new lady was sharing... she is having difficulty. She has been in and out of AA for a number of years and says that it gets harder to get sober each time. I believe her and I hope that I never have to learn that lesson first hand. Please God.
At 10 minutes till 7:00 - they all looked at me and asked me to share. It seems everyone else had already talked (it was a small meeting). I started talking and realized that I was going to take the entire 10 minutes - which I considered to be quite rude... show up 45 minutes late, stay for 15 minutes, and talk for 10 of them! And to top it all off, I basically whined for 10 minutes.
I had a hard day at work. But I also had a victorious day at work. I had to give a presentation to Governing Body and it went well. I have been giving those presentations quarterly for 4 years now and it never gets easier, they are sometimes downright gruesome.
But what I mainly talked about was how sad I sometimes feel. My first sponsor recently called me on the phone and as we talked, I realized that she was getting drunk. Drunk during the course of a telephone conversation with her former sponsee. How sad. I felt profoundly sad. She has been my friend for over 21 years. And now she is drunk and it just makes me sad.
I have a former boyfriend who is drinking and calls occassionally. If it is after 9 p.m., I don't answer the phone if the caller ID says it is him. If it is before 9 p.m., I will sometimes answer the phone and talk to him. And for some reason, I get surprised as he gets drunk while we are talking on the phone. I profoundly miss the sober man I used to know, but he is gone.
After the meeting, I spoke with a woman and apologized for whining like that at a meeting where there were new people. She told me how much I mean to her. It was really amazing to me. She said that I am one of her heroes. Amazing. Me? A hero?
I am incredibly grateful to be sober, but I have this unrealistic wish that everyone else I come to know and love in Alcoholics Anonymous will stay sober. That is very unrealistic.
I just looked up at the bulletin board above my computer and noticed the picture of me and my first sponsor (now drunk) taken in 1986 or 1987. It was at a 4th of July party where we managed to set her roof on fire with fireworks. At that time, she was married to a millionaire, so this was quite the house. We managed to get the fire out and I don't believe he ever found out about it. In the picture, we have our arms around each others' shoulders, we are both sunburned, wearing sundresses, smiling for the camera. We laughingly called this photo "the geek sisters". I don't really remember why. It makes me want to cry to think about how much I miss my friend.
OK. I will stop now. I am tired and haven't eaten dinner... It is 8:00 p.m., and way too late for me to not have eaten. My blood sugar is probably dangerouly low which is not a good thing for this body.
Thanks to anyone who has stopped by and read this.