In this moment...

I am fine. I am sitting at my computer. I have just completed a 10K run, after a wonderful 6:30 a.m. meeting. I am warm and comfortable. But I got home and turned on the TV, and did just what my son has told me not to do. I watched CNN - just for a minute. The minute was long enough to hear that there is a helicopter down in Iraq. He also told me how many Chinooks there are in Iraq, in case I ever hear something like that (of course, at this moment, I do not remember how many there are).

How do you pray in a case like this? Please Dear Lord, let it not be MY son? Let it be someone else's son? I can't seem to wrap my mind around a prayer like that.

So let me just ask for God's Grace for all of his children, including mine.

"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3

Friday Fluff

I made a very short (and silly) video to see how to create a youtube video. I tried to put it here, I may or may not have beeen successful. It probably isn't important that it is here.

I thought it was important to lighten up a little here. I have been pretty serious of late and need to knock it off. This weather is a real challenge for me. January in a good year is a challenge for me, but this year is unusual in that I can't get on my bike or run outdoors.

I tried to run outside yesterday. It was 10 degrees, which is ridiculous. The sidewalks are still impassible. I thought I was on a good one, and then it ended. I ended up running on the road, which on a residential street at 6:30 a.m., should not be a problem. However, I nearly got hit by a bus! I had to dive into a bank of snow to avoid being hit. It was quite unpleasant. I guess I won't try that again any time soon. I will try to find another place to run this weekend. Today is my rest day.

Thanks for listening.

"The joy of living is the theme of AA's Twelfth Step, and action is its key word. Her we turn outward toward our fellow alcoholics who are still in distress. Here we experience the kind of giving that asks no rewards. Here we begin to practice all Twelve Steps of the program in our daily lives so that we and those about us may find emotional sobriety. When the Twelfth Step is seen in its full implication, it is really talking about the kind of love thta has no price tag on it." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 106

Lessons/confessions

I have really been struggling with something lately. I have written about it a teeny bit, but not much. Yesterday I had a bit of an awakening, so I am going to write about it.

I have been going to a 5:30 meeting for several months. I had never been to it prior to August of this year. It used to be a smoking meeting and I didn't go to smoking meetings. I love this group. There are so many new people there. There are a lot of women there. There are some oldtimers there too. However, as I have sat there night after night for months, I have noticed something. The people with more than 20 years of sobriety give speeches every night. They have canned spiels that they give every single day. They have tag lines that they throw in the beginning of their share and at the end of their shares. This stuff seems to have a lot of appeal to people newer in sobriety because I think it sounds good. They talk about what happened 20 years ago, but not what is happening today.

OK, that is enough of me taking their inventory. That is their business. MY problem is that I have begun to have doubts about what I am doing. I share honestly, from my heart, about what is going on today, and it doesn't always look so good. I am going through challenges right now, as you all know, with my son in Iraq, my daughter on meth, my grandchildren in flux, my son-in-law in rehab, my finances beginning to buckle under the strain of trying to do what I can for my grandchildren, etc. I talk about this stuff. I am not sober FOR YOU. I am sober for me. I must help other drunks if I expect to stay sober, but I am clear on the fact that we are all only sober 24 hours at a time. I cannot stay sober today on yesterday's sobriety, and I have not graduated to some higher level of "recovery" where all I do is tell you what to do. I am here to stay sober. Me, Mary Christine, the terrible, terrible drunk. Sober (for 22 and a half years) only by the Grace of a loving God. Not by all of my tremendous "work".

So, of late, I have decided to shut my mouth in meetings. And I sit there and feel like I don't belong. And that I haven't got a clue because I haven't got a canned speech, etc. This is all self-centered bullshit. This is my EGO at its finest.

Last night, as I was slinking out of the meeting, feeling like I have lost my way - honestly - I am that dramatic... a newer woman came over to me and said this. "I am always so happy to see you here because I know I am going to hear you laugh. I love to hear your laugh, it makes me laugh no matter now bad I am feeling. I love it when you share in the meeting because you are always so honest..." After I expressed my gratitude to this woman, another woman came over and told me basically the same thing. They told me they are so grateful that I started coming to that meeting and that I am an "integral part of the group." And then I realized that I just need to be willing to share what ever gifts God has given me. It is not up to me to judge them. And it certainly isn't up to me to decide that I have nothing to offer because I haven't graduated to Sobriety Sainthood.

That's it. I feel better. Thanks for listening, and caring. I really appreciate you bloggers too. I wish my ego wasn't out to get me, but it is. It is what tells me that I am separate from you and that I am not good enough, or that I am too good, but that I am not a part of, I am apart from.

"In my view, we of this world are pupils in a great school of life. It is intended that we try to grow, and that we try to help our fellow travelers to grow in the kind of love that makes no demands. In short, we try to move toward the image and likeness of God as we understand Him." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 306

12 degrees = heat wave!

Oh boy! It is in the double digits temperature wise and it isn't even 5:00 a.m. yet. Maybe we are coming out of the cold spell. Unfortunately, it is heading east. So to all of you, particularly southerners, who are dealing with cold you are not used to, take care and keep warm!

I have a presentation to give at 9:30 this morning. I have to get to the gym and get a few miles in before that. I don't have the presentation 100% written - I had to leave work yesterday at 5:30 because a sponsee was coming over. So although I am glad I met with her, I wish I could have stayed at work longer to get the presentation done. Oh well. These quarterly presentations are always a challenge. I better get going here...

"It is when we try to make our will conform with God's that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the mis-use of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of AA's Twelve Steps, and Step Three opens the door." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 40

Tuesday Morning

I actually slept until 6:30 this morning, so no running for me this morning. I ran 6.2 miles yesterday morning. I am going to buy a book on marathon training so I can get a clue about how to train for the half-marathon in May.

Yesterday I made a new blog, and of course, it was in NEW blogger. It was meant to be a blog about my marathon training. I actually liked new blogger, it was easier to navigate than old blogger. It is easy to do links, and easy to change colors. HOWEVER, unfortunately, I used my "google" account and now I cannot access that blog, because when I use my google account, which you must do to access new blogger, I get THIS blog. I have no clue how to get back to my new blog. I guess I just need to start a new google account and start over with that blog. I didn't want for it to be anonymous, so it wasn't linked this blog in any way.

It got up to 20 degrees yesterday and I felt like going outside and playing without a coat or hat! It is 7 degrees now and I actually woke up this morning and thought "it isn't so cold this morning." It is a challenge to keep a good attitude through a month of consistent bad weather.

I am boring. I had a three day weekend and didn't do anything I had planned to do - like paint my office and bathroom. I also intended to start a baby quilt to donate to my church. I did none of that. I did have a nice, albeit very quiet and restful, weekend.

(I just did spell check on this thing and it doesn't recognize "google" or "blogger" - how bizarro!)

"I see 'humility for today' as a safe and secure stance midway between violent emotional extremes. It is a quiet place where I can keep enough perspective and enough balance to take my next small step up the clearly marked road that points toward eternal values." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 199

Late Entry

I am about to plant my butt on the sofa for a few hours of football... followed by a meeting... followed by coming home, eating dinner, and going to bed. Woo Hoo! Such excitement!

This morning I got up and looked out the window and decided to forget about driving across town to the meeting I like to go to on Sunday Mornings. It was snowing with temperatures in the single digits. I decided to go back to bed. Since I woke up, I have been indulging in bizarre activities, like spontaneously cleaning a closet that has needed to be cleaned for 5 years! What the hell is up with that? I have another day off work tomorrow, maybe I feel the pressure is off me to pack a weekend worth into two days, I can do it in three instead. Who knows?

Last night while I was at church, my friend left me a message and told me she was going to the 5:30 meetings. This friend has been sober 15 years and attends one meeting, and only that meeting, so when she said she was going to a different meeting, I was concerned. So, after church I got the message and flew the 5 or so miles to the club to see if I could find her. I did and we went out for dinner. It was great. We went to a Thai restaurant. Her date of birth is the day after mine, so it is great fun to talk with someone who is exactly my age. We can also reminisce about people from that group who no longer come around, or have passed. Oh, and there was nothing wrong with her, she just felt like going to a meeting and she knew I usually go to that one.

My head hurts today and I feel cooped up, but I will be OK. I am so sick of this weather, and believe me, I am not the only one.

If you have a second, go over and visit Lounge Daddy, he is a blogger working on getting sober!

"We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink, as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm this." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 22-23

Looking forward...

Yesterday I registered for a half-marathon! My daughter registered too. It is on May 20. I am so excited about this! It is the Colorado Colfax Marathon. Colfax Avenue is a very exciting street that goes through three cities, Aurora, Denver, and Lakewood. This site has a very cool high-speed video of driving the length of Colfax. The full marathon goes all 26 miles of Colfax Avenue, the half-marathon starts at City Park and goes 13.1 miles to Colorado Mills (on Colfax, of course).

Last night I attended a wonderful meeting where a new lady asked what is the difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic. It was wonderful because people shared so much of their own stories. I know that newer people like to hear about recovery, because that is what we are doing in AA - but I love to hear about the drinking, because that is WHY we are in AA. I feel like I know the folks in that group a little bit better because of some of the stories I heard last night.

I am heading out of here, in sub-zero temperatures, to go to a 6:30 a.m. meeting, and then to the gym to run. I am so grateful for a warm and comfortable home, a warm and comfortable car, a warm and comfortable gym, and a warm and comfortable AA room.

"We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women, desperately in need, will see these pages, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that they will be persuaded to say, 'Yes, I am one of them too; I must have this thing.'" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 29

Frigid Friday

See that "2" in the upper left side? That is for 2 degrees Fahrenheit - which is the temperature outside. See the cute weather station? That was a birthday present from my kids. I love that thing! I ran every day this week, so I can take a day off today without suffering any ill effects. I knew it was going to get cold and snow, so I planned accordingly!

I will see if I can maintain a positive attitude through this cold and snow. I am grateful it is Friday. I am grateful that, if things go as planned, I will have worked a full week this week for the first time since the middle of December. I am grateful that I have all sorts of winter weather clothing and gear to keep me safe and comfortable. I am grateful for heated leather seats in my car! I am grateful I have a wonderful 5:30 meeting to attend tonight. Maybe I will be just a few minutes late? I did that last night, and I am sure it was a little bit of passive aggression towards their new crappy format. If I am not there, I won't hear it, right?

"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion tht we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 30

Late Presents

This week I received two Christmas gifts that were delayed due to the snow. My sponsor and her husband sent the book "Emotional Sobriety", and my sister sent the pajamas (FedEx overnighted on December 20 - I got them on January 8). -- I can no longer post a picture to HNT due to it having moved to New Blogger this week.

Yesterday after I wrote about my 5:30 group's format, I thought about it some more. For some reason, I keep seeing the face of a guy who just can't seem to get sober. I just love that guy. I have written about him, with no name, several times in this blog. He has a few days of sobriety now. Anyway, if I were to leave the group, I would no longer see Mike, and not only do I like Mike and like to see him, but his face lights up when he sees me - so why destroy a fragile little tie like that just because of a stupid format. I hope some day to see that guy get sober and stay sober. He is a young guy, probably younger than my kids. But a terrible, terrible drunk.

I am going to try to run outside in my neighborhood this morning for the first time in weeks. It has been warm for the last several days so some of the snow has melted, hopefully I can run on the street. It is supposed to get very cold tonight and then snow tomorrow.

"The person I used to be is always waiting around the corner. If I close my eyes, I can see him. He's wearing a black leather jacket, smoking a butt, leaning with his back against a building and one knee bent. He's waiting for me to split a six-pack and join him in cussing and complaining and cutting down everything from his ex-boss and the Army to the church, academia, the government - and AA. But when I close my lips to vicious talk, the old me gets tired of waiting around for someone to commiserate with him. When I say only positive things, the old me disappears. He flips his cigarette into the gutter, turns up the collar of his jacket, and walks away. He just doesn't want to hear it." -- Emotional Sobriety - the Next Frontier, p. 18

Whatcha think?

The 5:30 meeting I recently started attending just changed their format. There was already something they say at the beginning of each meeting that irks me, but I could live with it. But now, I am going to be forced to attend a group conscience! Damn!

Okay, here is what it said before that irks me, but I can live with: paraphrased to the best of my memory: "It is this group's belief that those who count their sobriety in months rather than years often have the best topics..."

Now, here is what they have added: paraphrased of course. "In order that our members may feel safe to share, please do not criticize, offer advice, or comment on what another person has shared."

In their purest sense, I agree with both of those sentiments. However, I think that stating all these conditions at the beginning of a meeting we put a wet blanket on any kind of spontaneity or even genuineness. And I also have to say that it is my experience that some of my greatest teachers have been absolute bastards! Nobody told those old crusty guys that they had to be careful not to hurt my feelings.

I got sober in meetings where those old guys had knives and guns and would be more than happy to tell you to "shut the fuck up, you don't know what you are talking about." I cannot tell you how many of the recipients of this rude behavior are still sober today and still talking about those guys - with love.

Personally, I try to be kind to the newcomer, but I think there is a place for people to tell them to pull their heads out of their asses. Oh well. All groups go through this stuff. It is just important to keep coming back and not to get too upset by it all.

"'Middleton Group #1. Rule #62.' Once the card was unfolded, a single pungent sentence leaped to the eye: ' Don't take yourself too damn seriously.'" -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 149

Hurry, hurry, hurry

OK, I must be back to a semblance of normalcy. I am sitting here at my computer, I just got back from the gym, I am dripping sweat, and I am supposed to be at work in 20 minutes. I think I might just be late for work! Now, THAT does make me feel bad, but I am so grateful to be back doing the things I do. This is the first time I have successfully completed a run on the treadmill since my injury on Dec. 20. Woo Hoo! Oh, and I was on the local news - they film from there every other Tuesday morning, and I usually position myself far, far from the cameras, however this morning they moved to the pool area, and I was just behind the two women on camera. Hopefully no one saw me.

We are supposed to have another foot or so of snow on Thursday and Friday. I hope they are wrong. They were certainly wrong last week when they predicted 2 to 4 inches and we got 12 inches. But for today, it is semi-warm, the wind is not blowing, it is not snowing - and life seems good. But I better get myself to work!

"I try hard to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 37

Now Wind

This is unbelievable. Now there is very very strong wind (100 miles per hour). Some of the highways in town have been closed because of ground blizzard conditions. Our next snow isn't due until Thursday.

I keep remembering a man named Stoney. He used to come to meetings and say "it snowed on MY CAR last night!" We forget that we are not alone. It is easy to forget that we are not alone particularly when we are sitting in our houses alone - cut off from the world due to bizarre weather phenomena. But today I will go to work and hope to catch up on some work - my desk is a nightmare after all the work I have missed.

Last night I heard what might have been the saddest thing I have ever heard in an AA meeting. A woman came in, late and wearing sun glasses (at night). I never saw her before, but I just assumed she was new or drunk. At the end of the meeting, she shared. She is here from another state, she got sober in July, got her 6 month chip and started drinking again. After she talked for about 5 minutes, she started crying and said she is here because her 21 year old son killed himself. The last time she talked to him, she told him she was drinking again and he was so upset. That was the last time she will ever speak to her son. Ever. Oh God.

This disease destroys everything in it's path. Everything. I don't know why some of us get sober and some of us don't, but I do know that I thank God every day that I get to be sober. It is an unimaginable blessing.

"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 30

Sunday Morning

Night Watch was spectacular last night! About 30 people came to my little house. Many of them car-pooled, so there were no serious parking problems. It was so cute to see 4 and 5 alkies pouring out of cars and trucks. It was also incredible to me that my neighbors on both sides got out and shoveled the crap in the street in front of their houses, which meant we had three houses worth of street parking. Believe me, that was so far above and beyond anything a person would reasonably do! And they really did it for me. Who ever heard of such a thing? No wonder I really, in my heart of hearts, love living here.

It is such a treat to look at your own living room and dining room and see your AA group sitting around. Many of them were sitting on the floor. There was a time when I couldn't even get from my kitchen to my dining room for all the people on the floor! We had great food, great fellowship, and several great phone calls.

After they all left, my former b.f. sat with me while I finished up the phone shift which ended at 11:00. At 10:45, I got two real-live twelve step calls right at the same time. Two different drunk women who sort of wanted to get sober. I talked with both of them for a while and got them situated. By the time I got off the phone, Mr. former sweetie-man was putting on his coat and getting ready to leave - it was very late. I apologized to him for spending so much time on the phone, but I had to be responsible which he understood (and frankly, it doesn't matter if he does or not!) But he said something that has re-played over and over in my mind... he said that listening to me on the phone with those women made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Yikes. He said it was meant in a good way, that just listening to that was so powerful. I had felt I was doing a really crappy job of talking to drunk people (because I find I have less and less patience for it as the years go by.)

I am thinking of the 5th step promises as I write this because that is how I feel today....

"We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 75

Better now...

After moving this snow. Every single flake of it. Man, my arms hurt. But I am feeling cheerful again. The sun is shining, the snow is melting. I have a ham in the oven, I have an apple pie on the counter, I am soon to start the pilaf, my house smells like heaven, I am awaiting the arrival of good AA friends and we will answer the after hours phone for the area central office tonight. What could be better?

More #@*& Snow

It snowed all day yesterday. I might be exaggerating when I say we got an additional foot of snow, but if I am, it is only an exaggeration of an inch or two. I shoveled at least 8 inches when I left for work yesterday. The roads were so bad I called work to see who was there and what was going on and ended up crying inconsolably and was kindly told to go back home and take care of myself.

I prayed to God and cried. I called my sponsor and cried. I called a friend (who I thought probably could use a call, I was trying to be helpful) and cried. I called another friend and cried. I called my neighbor and cried. Thank God for God, my sponsor, my friends, and my neighbors. They all listened kindly - they all know how freakishly unusual this behavior is for me. I swear I cannot shovel one more flake of snow. My body hurts so bad. The whole thing. My sponsor suggested I sign up for tanning - I already did that on New Year's Eve - but couldn't get there yesterday.

Before this turns into a total whine-fest, let me just say: I have said several times in this blog that I am "high-maintenance," not meaning that I need to be pampered, but that I need exercise, sunshine, good food, etc. I feel that my life has been turned upside down since the middle of December when I got sick, then snow, then I fell, then more snow, then more snow, then more snow, then more snow, then more snow. I am finally facing the emotional fallout from all of this.

I will be OK, I know that. I so look forward to having my life back. I want to RUN on dry pavement! I want some sunshine! I want to take a bike ride! But for today, I am heading out of here for a 6:30 a.m. meeting. Then I will hurry home to prepare for nightwatch tonight. I bought food that can all be frozen in case no one is able to come. There is virtually NO WHERE for anyone to park their cars. But as my sponsor said, we alcoholics are very ingenious people. We shall see how this all works out. Exactly as it should be, I am sure.

"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 49

Snowy Friday Morning

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for my run, I saw the above film, as recorded by a traffic helicopter, on TV and ran outside to see if I could see it. In the sky above me was this incredible, huge, display of lights. It was really amazing. Initially they thought it was a meteor, but later discovered that it was a Russian Rocket. Yikes! It was really a beautiful thing to see.

I finally got the snow on the street in front of my house shoveled last night. And now we have another winter storm in process. I need to just accept that this is what is happening and it does not matter one iota whether I like it, so I might as well not go mental over it. I will get back out with my snow shovel and try to just smile through it. I cannot wait to see grass or even dirt again.

"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselvees, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this eselfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62

46 degrees at 5:28 a.m.

This is my banana, coffee, and motrin. I had them all moments ago. I expect to feel good enough to run in about a half hour. It is 46 degrees outside, which will be wonderful. A neighbor told me about a place to run where the paths are plowed and dry. I am going to go there this morning. For some reason, running on the treadmill is almost impossible with my tailbone injury. I ran 3 painful miles yesterday and then was in pain all day. Amazingly, I ran 10 miles on Monday, on a snow-packed trail, and had no residual pain at all.

Thank you for all of your suggestions yesterday about the food for night watch. I think I decided to purchase a spiral cut ham. I can't think of anyone in my group who is Jewish or Muslim, so it ought to be OK. There will be plenty of other food anyway. As I thought about chili and pasta and soup, I imagined people sitting on my sofa eating it, and I think it would be nearly impossible. There will be only a few places to sit at a table and eat, so I think sandwiches will be good.

About the parking: I shoveled some last night, but still don't even have one parking place carved out in front of my house. It is supposed to get into the 50s today, and then SNOW. Yep, more snow. But we are only supposed to get 2 to 4 inches, which sounds like nothing at this point. I will trust God that it will work out exactly the way it is supposed to.

"We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: 'God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that vicotry over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

New Routine

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead... but first, let us eat a banana and 600 miligrams of ibuprofin. I am sitting here now, waiting for the ibuprofin to kick in so that I can go to the gym and get a few miles in. When I wake, it is hard to believe that I am even going to be able to walk today, let alone run, but then the ibuprofin kicks in and I am able to act like a fairly normal human being for most of the day. I am sure this tailbone injury WILL heal, but I have heard it takes a lot of time. Thank God we live in an age of wonderful anti-inflamatory medications.

I am now getting busy trying to get ready for Night Watch here on Saturday night. It will be great fun to have folks over and answer the phones for the area Central Office - but I volunteered my house BEFORE the snow eliminated all the parking from my street. I am hoping that the warm temperatures this week will melt some of the snow, I will shovel some of it, and we should have some street parking. My neighbor volunteered her driveway - that is 2 parking places. My driveway is 2. Oh Lord, I need help. And I don't even know what I am serving yet. It is a potluck, so everyone brings something, but I need to provide the spine, if you will, of the meal. Does anyone have any great food ideas for having a very casual dinner for anywhere from 10 to 40 people? I very seldom entertain because I get so freaked out about everything. I did Nighwatch for this group exactly 11 years ago, and I made such a big deal out of it, it was very unpleasant for me. Now I am probably taking it a little bit too lightly.

Once again, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my life. Being sick, injured, and snowed-in in December really gave me time to reflect on my many blessings. (and I think I can go run now because I am feeling much better!)

"It is when we try to make our will conform with God's that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 40

Tuesday Morning

I am feeling oh-so-much-better today. Yesterday after the 6:30 a.m. meeting, I went to Clement Park (sound familiar? think Columbine), strapped on my yaktrax, and started to run. I ended up running
TEN MILES!!!!
I didn't intend to do that, I just felt good and kept going. It was amazingly wonderful. And the thing that tells me that I am meant to be a long distance runner is that the tenth mile felt infinitely better than the first one. This morning my heart is full of hope that I will achieve my goals this year. If I can run 10 miles on January 1, barring injuries (Please, Dear Lord), I can think of no reason why I can't run a half-marathon in October - or even the one in May.

Getting sick and injured in December gave me a new appreciation for my life. I often focus on what I don't have - particularly a romantic relationship - and fail to notice what is great about my life. There is a lot that is very great about my life. I am so blessed with long-term sobriety, great AA groups, good friends, a wonderful family who love me, and good physical health. I am amazed that at the age of 55, I am considering running a half-marathon, and I actually think I can do it!

Yesterday at the meeting, I sat next to my friend Mike, who had a #27 Broncos jersey on. I thought it was somewhat odd since their season had untimely ended the day before. But then he told me it was the jersey of Darrent Williams, and he had been killed early that morning. How sad to be 24 years old, have the world by the whatever, and then end up dead. I pray for his family.

"Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 173

A New Year

I love waking on January 1 and knowing that it is an entirely blank slate. I am grateful for last year even though it was challenging. I am looking forward to another sober year - one day at a time.

Yesterday my friend Lisa and I decided that we are going to try to do
2 Triathlons
1 Half-Marathon

If my tailbone doesn't heal, this will not be possible, but I am hopeful. The first Tri is in July, the second is in August, and the Half-Marathon is in October.

So, here it is, almost 6:00 a.m. on January 1, and I have not been angry at anyone this year, I have not said anything I regret, I am full of love for my fellow man and my heart is full of hope for the day. Of course, I have not yet seen anyone today - but I hope that these attitudes will stay with me, even when faced with real life. And these are my real goals for 2007.

"When I was driven to my knees by alcohol, I was made ready to ask for the gift of faith. And all was changed. Never again, my pains and problems notwithstanding, would I experience my former desolation. I saw the universe to be lighted by God's love; I was alone no more." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 51