Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired

These are things a recovering alcoholic should avoid. Never get too
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
You see? It spells HALT. And when I get too much of any of these things, I need to halt and back up and take care of myself.

Tonight? I am not hungry - quite the opposite. I am not angry. I am a bit lonely - being single sometimes seems like an impossible thing for a woman married most of her adult life. I am extremely tired and I think therein lies the problem.

I didn't go out tonight because I am tired. I would have liked to go to a meeting and get out amoungst 'em. Be with other alcoholics and get out of myself. However, I came home because I am extremely tired and have vowed to take it easy this weekend.

I often jokingly refer to myself as "high maintenance." It is a joke because that doesn't mean I need bling or manolos or jaguars or expensive nights on the town. It means I need a lot of sleep. Regular meals - of a nutritious nature - not too much white stuff (flour, sugar, etc.) I need to exercise regularly. I need to have at least an hour a day alone to get centered. I need to have conversations with people. I need contact with other alcoholics. I need regular AA meetings. I need to spend time each morning in quiet meditation. This is a lot to need. But the price to pay if I am not getting these things could be my very life.

This week I have actually considered smoking cigarettes. It has been 14 years since I have smoked. I smoked 2 packs a day for 25 years. The fact that I haven't smoked for 14 years is incredible. But, intellectually, this week it has seemed like it might be a viable option. I am stressed out. I am gaining a bit of weight (since I can't run due to injuries), my work is crazy. Wouldn't a ciggie break every now and then be nice?

Probably not!

Perhaps by the end of the weekend, I will have regrouped to the point where I see the insanity of what I have just written. Intellectually, I know it is insane. But somehow it makes sense.