I found the perfect recipe to get me through my days. I would get Ripple (69¢ a bottle) wine by the case and hide it in the attic, each day I would take out a bottle, wrap it in a paper bag and put it in my purse. I would drink it all day long at school. I really don't know why I wanted to drink a skid row bum's drink while living in a nice suburban home and attending a nice suburban high school. Maybe it felt more authentic to my state of mind? A cheap bottle of wine, wrapped with a paper bag. And I thought it was funny.
My prince charming was morphing into something not so charming. I have never really gone back and thought much about this relationship because it is such ancient history. As I wrote yesterday about him not going to college when he was supposed to, it occurred to me that he was probably going to resent me for that. I think he did resent me for that. I think he showed early signs of being a total control freak when he directed my life out of the gutter, but I was so happy to have someone steer me out of the gutter that I wasn't looking for signs of a control freak.
By the end of 1969, I was almost done with high school. I had been attending night school, day school, summer school, and had compacted 4 years of school into 2 years of time. I was wearing an engagement ring, I think we had some vague plan to marry after I graduated. He was working at the post office by day, and attending community college sometimes at night. But his real job by this time was a very lucrative marijuana business. It kept him in enough money and pot so that he was an overweight, slovenly man.
I was very depressed, but had found a way to maintenance drink my way through life. I learned that I could keep a steady flow of alcohol into my body all day long and not appear drunk. It would help me to be able to cope with the demands of life. I know that occasionally I would get "drunk," but for the most part, I just drank every day.
I think of this as a time so dark I can barely remember it.