"If a man is centered upon himself, the smallest risk is too great for him, because both success and failure can destroy him. If he is centered upon upon God, then no risk is too great because success is already guaranteed - the successful union of creator and creature beside which everything else is meaningless." Morris West, Shoes of the Fisherman.
I have been thinking about something I slipped into my post yesterday, only one person noticed it, seemingly as an afterthought. It was about my ex-husband "borrowing" whole chunks of another person's story and telling it as his own. (hey, my shirt is on inside-out, better fix that, at once! Ok, I can resume my writing now...) Unfortunately, I have heard this happen more than once in AA meetings. Frequently it is someone trying to inflate their "bad-ass" experience before they got to AA. Sometimes, very disturbingly, it is someone inflating sober time. Most often, it is picking up phrases that seem to go around AA that sound cute but have little to do with a person's actual story.
I wonder why it is that people can't stick to their own stories. And amazingly enough, my take on it is that it boils down to being extremely self-centered. If I trust God, I will do the "work" to get down to causes and conditions and clean house. I will get a clear idea of who and what I am. I will come to believe that I am one of God's beloved children, no matter what I have done with His gift. I will know that I am here to play the role that He has assigned, and that is an important role, no matter what it is. I will know that I cannot play the role of another. I have to play MY role.
(Now it is daylight and I am still writing...)
The last time I spoke at an AA meeting, I left there thinking I would NEVER speak at an AA meeting again. Because I was not trusting God that he made me, Ms. Mary Christine, just the way I am. I am a silly woman. I get in front of a crowd and get a bit silly and ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I tell my story, but as I get older, it gets sillier. Maybe I am taking myself less and less seriously.
When I talked with my sponsor about this, she told me to shut up and get over it. God made me this way and I need to trust him that I said just what I was supposed to say and that I was not to review it afterwards. It was not about me, it was about someone else who I would probably never know about. OK, Ms. Sponsor. Gee.
About a week later I came to realize that I don't get to be someone else. I am me. God made me to be me. He wants me! He loves me! Imagine that! I always thought that someday I would "grow up" and be a serious person, I would stop being funny, I would stop making faces, and being ridiculous. It just never happened. I have learned at work to be serious a good part of the time. I have had to. But most of the time, I am still the silly person I was as a child. I can't help it.
My job is to be the most authentic me, fitting into His plan to be of the most authentic usefulness to Him and my fellows. Wow, what a job. It should take the rest of my life! How great!
Today I am sending love and prayers to my friend Pammie XXXOOO.