OK, here's a peak at the peg board

There are more pictures of my garage project on my photo blog.

Let's see, if I am 54 years old (I am), and have been sober since I was 32 (which I have), and the first ten years of my sobriety were pretty chaotic (which they were), then I have had almost twelve years now of peace and serenity. But from years ten til sixteen I managed to start and finish my bachelors degree and then go on to get my masters degree, all while working full time, supporting myself and raising kids sporadically - I wouldn't call that exactly peaceful and serene... or was it? I digress... So let's say the last 5 years of my life have been peaceful and serene (which they have). That means that of a life of 54 years, I have had 5 years of peace and serenity. Which means that .0925 of my life has been peaceful and serene.

This is all a very long way of explaining WHY I think putting peg board on my garage wall is exciting. I used my own little black and decker cordless drill and my own little ladder and my own little arms, legs, and hands to put it up. I didn't have a fight with anyone. The police were not called. There were no suicide threats or attempts. I didn't write a hot check for any of the above. I am not hiding from anyone today. I am just a normal appearing granny living alone in her little green house with the flag flying on the front porch.

And for all of this I am more grateful than words can say.

Thanks all you bloggers for enriching my life.

Tuesday looks like a Monday

I decided on Friday not to take today off. I regret that decision right now. I can think of a million things I need to do that I can't get done on the weekend or while I am at work. Maybe I can take this Friday off. I am feeling rather dull this morning and would like to go back to bed, but I will get on with my day instead.

"AA may be human in its organization, but it is Divine in its purpose." -- Twenty-Four Hours a Day, May 30 AA Thought for the Day.

Memorial Day

Couldn't resist another picture of the flag flying from my front porch. This time it's a view from my rocking chair. What an old lady I am turning out to be! Speaking of which, went to church this morning. It was nice to have a nice quiet peaceful beginning to my day.

Yesterday I didn't install the peg board (I am hoping to do it today), but instead hopped on my bike and rode down to the lake and around, it was a nice 12 mile ride. Took a nice freezing swim - I managed to swim for a half hour - and then sat on the beach for a while and read. Also ran into an old AA friend, it was nice to chat with her. Even though it is slightly embarrassing to be there at the "beach" in my tri suit, as opposed to regular sunning wear. It was good to get in my first open water swim of the season. It sure is different than swimming laps in a pool!

Yesterday was the first Sunday that I have not heard from my son since his deployment. He has been telling me every week that I may not hear for him for a while because he is going here and there and working 7 days a week. But this is the first time he didn't call. I sure do miss him.

"The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous." Alcoholics Anonymous, p.25

Sunday Morning

I went to the Sunrise Serenity Group this morning. I haven't been there for a while. I ran into a woman I used to sponsor - she has just moved back to town from Las Vegas. We are planning to get together for bike rides, etc. It was good to see her.

It is such a nice weekend. My favorite neighbors are home this weekend, so we have had many visits. I am in the middle of the HUGE project of cleaning my garage. I bought some peg boards last night and am looking forward to installing them today.

"I should try to practice the presence of God. I can feel that He is with me and near me, protecting and strengthening me always. In spite of every difficulty, every trial, every failure, the presence of God suffices. Just to believe that He is near me brings strength and peace. I should try to live as though God were beside me. I cannot see Him because I was not made with the ability to see Him else there were no room for faith. But I can feel His spirit with me." Twenty-Four Hours a Day, Meditation for the day, May 28.

Saturday Morning

This is what my front porch looks like this morning. I am grateful to have a front porch where I can fly the flag, sit in my rocking chair, water my plants, and generally be a sober human being.

Took a walk instead of a run this morning (because I am also planning a bike ride and a swim today). While I was walking, I encountered an elderly gentleman who used to go to a 6:30 a.m. AA meeting in the area. He stopped me to ask me if I am Mexican. hmmm. I have red hair and green eyes... Anyway, we started talking, and I realized that he does not remember me. I am not even sure he remembers himself. He looked disheveled and a little wacky. He was talking wacky too. I didn't ask him if he remembers me. I didn't ask him if he was back on the sauce. Because frankly, I think he may very well be suffering from dementia and not drunkeness. We had a nice, albeit weird, chat. But I walked away and wondered if I should have said "don't you remember me?" "are you OK?" "are you drinking?"

Any thoughts from my wonderful fellow bloggers?

Three Day Weekend Ahead

I am thrilled to have a three day weekend ahead. I am tired. I may look to see if I have anything I can't miss on Tuesday and try to make it a four day weekend. Today I should be able wrap up a project I have been working on for over a year. It would be nice to take a very long weekend after that. And I have not one plan for the weekend. I will get to some meetings, I will take a bike ride or two, maybe take an open water swim since the "beaches" are now open, I will get to church, I MIGHT clean the garage, and maybe some handsome and charming man will ask me to join him for coffee or dinner... and maybe not.

"The unity of Alcoholics Anonymous is the most cherished quality our Society has. Our lives, the lives of all to come, depend squarely upon it. We stay whole, or AA dies." Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 129

More shoes

I do love shoes. I recall a trip I made to Phoenix once with a man who is now a bearded gentleman who lives in the Big Sky Country... he didn't understand why I needed to bring 3 different pairs of white athletic shoes on a weekend trip. I packed other shoes as well. Over the years, I have gotten better at packing, but I still enjoy shoes for every occassion.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was thinking about a baby I can still see in my mind's eye because he was so perfect. He was just the most beautiful baby (other than my own) I had ever seen. The baby is now 20 years old and the associated press is running with a scandalous story about him. Just writing that makes me cry. His father, my dear friend, has such a heavy load to carry right now.

Whenever I feel sad I have to pause and thank God that I am able to feel sad (or anything else for that matter). And then I can pray for all involved.

"On the day that the calamity of Pearl Harbor fell upon our country, a great friend of AA was walking along a St. Louis street. Father Edward Dowling was not an alcoholic, but he had been one of the founders of the struggling AA group in his city. Because many of his usually sober friends had already taken to their bottles that they might blot out the implications of the Pearl Harbor disaster, Father Ed was anguished by the thought that his cherished AA group would probably do the same.

Then a member, sober less than a year, stepped alongside and engaged Father Ed in a spirited conversation--mostly about AA. Father Ed saw, with relief, that his companion was perfectly sober.

'How is it that you have nothing to say about Pearl Harbor? How can you roll with a punch like that?'

'Well,' replied the yearling, 'each of us in AA has already had his own private Pearl Harbor. So why should we drunks crack up over this one?" -- As Bill Sees It, p. 71

Great Bike Ride

Took this picture last night on a bridge over the river - the only break we took. It was a great bike ride. My friend is about 15 years younger than me, has recently lost 68 lbs. and is a rec therapist for a living. I had to really push to keep up with her, which was a good thing. We saw 3 snakes, two of which I nearly ran over, one dead deer along the trail, and one animal lurking in the bushes when we were stopped. We quickly got back on our bikes after seeing the lurking animal. It could have been a bighorn sheep, a deer, or any number of other large animals. But its lurking behavior made me suspect that it was something a tad more sinister, like a coyote or a mountain lion (EEK!)

I am going to get out and run this morning if I can quickly get done blogging. I have a big deal to take care of at work, so I need to be there on time. I better get moving.

"We have no desire to convince anyone that there is only one way by which faith can be acquired. All of us, whatever our race, creed, or color, are the children of a living Creator, with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p.28

LG

Life's Good. Tonight, after work, I am going for a bike ride at Waterton Canyon with someone from work. It should be fun. It is about a six mile steady climb uphill on a dirt road - followed by turning around and coming downhill for another six miles... hopping in your car and driving home.

"After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 103

Routine

It's Monday Morning. Back to work. I have a meeting with my boss this morning. I am praying about whether to confront him about some stuff. There is probably a 50% chance he will cancel the meeting. He has canceled our last 3 scheduled monthly meetings. It is a real challenge to "rise above" crap at work sometimes. I need God's help to do this.

"For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

Fellowship

I just got home from my friend Patty's birthday meeting. She celebrated 23 years of sobriety today. The meeting was great. Someone said that over 1/3 of the room were long-timers, if you define a long-timer as someone with over 18 years of sobriety. It was just nice to be there and feel like I am one of the crowd, like I just fit in, like I am just there with my peers. I can remember her 2nd birthday. She had a huge party at her little townhouse. There were so many people there, they were even sitting on her stairs. It was a wonderful thing.

Many of us went out for breakfast after the meeting. We filled up a whole back room of a Mexican Restaurant. People make fun of me because I always order Bologna and Eggs there! Who ever heard of fried bologna being on a menu? Well, it is on that menu, and I eat it every time.

A unifying factor in my friendship with Patty is that we both are overwhelmed with gratitude to be sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous. We are both grateful to have long term sobriety, but neither of us take it for granted. We both know that we are One Drink Away From a Drunk. One Drink. We both go to meetings regularly and do all the same stuff we have been doing for these decades. Sharing our experience, strength, and hope. We did not graduate to some higher plane of recovery where we only come around occassionally to bless all the unwashed masses with our royal presence.

We do not come to meetings to comment on and critique others' experience, strength, and hope... we come to share our own. We do not extend uninvited sponsorship, advice, or criticism. We are in the same boat with everyone from the shaky first day-er to the shaky 50 year-er.

This is also what I love about you fellow sober bloggers. Almost without exception, we share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. We do this with respect and love for one another. We almost never come along and dump unsolicited advice and a superior attitude on each other. And for that I am truly grateful.

Alcoholic Brain

Found an undiscovered recovery blog today--- go over and visit alcoholic brain.

Endless Possibilities

I Love Saturday Morning. The weekend seems full of endless possibilities. I have a fresh brewed cup of coffee. I am sitting by an open window, with a lovely cool morning breeze billowing through the lace curtains. The robins are singing. The leaves on the big tree in my front yard have finally returned (after being frozen in late April) which transforms the view from this window.

I am going to take a bike ride this morning. In fact, as soon as I post this, I am going to throw on my bike gear and get out of here. I am very excited about this.

Graduation was wonderful. The moment I heard "Pomp and Circumstance" I wanted to start crying, but managed not to. All the little children walked up to the podium and said what they wanted to be when they grew up. Imagine my surprise when my little Olivia, daughter of a couple of scoff-laws, walked up and said she would like to be a Police Officer when she grows up!

I am grateful that I could take the time off work to go be there at her graduation.

I am grateful I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. If I am sober, almost anything else is possible.

Graduation Day

It seems so hard to believe that today is my little Olivia's graduation from kindergarten. That little girl had an amazing story by the time she was born. She is nothing less than a miracle. But we all have our miracles, don't we?

Watering Flowers

I woke up this morning trying to think of something suitable for a picture. This is as good as it got. Watering my flowers in the dark.

I am riding my bike to work today. It is 6:06 a.m. and already 58 degrees. Perfect bike riding weather.

Last night I took my granddaughters shopping. Oy. Did you know that little girls wear very fancy, almost formal, dresses to Kindergarten Graduation? Well, this one will. And her sister got one too. And shoes... And my oh so stable daughter put blue streaks in her 6 year old's hair. So she gets to go to Kindergarten Graduation in a very beautiful dress and blue hair. Oh Lord Of Mercy.

God doesn't have grandkids or great-grandkids.

Taking Care

I don't have normal reactions to anything. I don't know when I am under or over-reacting. For instance, my appendix ruptured before I had surgery - I am so fortunate I didn't die - but I thought it would hurt more if I had appendicitis. Anyway, I had a pain in my throat which felt alarmingly like the pain I had from an infected parotid gland a couple of years ago. I thought I should probably go see my doc and find out if I was indeed getting the same thing again - I really don't want this again, it was PAINFUL.

But yesterday I had a dental appointment I had been anxiously awaiting. I am getting some dental work that I am thrilled to be getting. I wasn't thrilled when I needed three big novocaine shots yesterday, but I am thrilled to be getting some crowns. So I went to the dentist and not the doc.

When I went to bed last night, I expected to feel even worse this morning and I planned on calling the doc and getting in there today. However, I woke up feeling fine. Today I want to ride my bike to work. I want to get out and run. I think I will go out and try to run and if that works out OK, I will know that whatever I had has passed. And I didn't even spend $30 to see my doc!

Thanks for your concern. It really is heart-warming to see all the nice comments. You guys are the best!

sicky

I am not feeling well at all. I think I have an infected parotid gland. I should go to the doctor, but I haven't yet.

TGIM

Thank God it's Monday. I get to go back to work. I have meetings scheduled. I get to talk to people who are not relatives. I get to use my brain for something other than figuring out how to tell the truth without being mean.

Maybe I am coming down with something? I am out of sorts. I ran for 2 minutes and 5 seconds this morning and decided to walk the rest of the way. I just don't feel my normal energy and happiness.

Whatever it is, I have a deep abiding faith that all will be well. I just don't feel great right now.

Mother's Day

I just read JJ's letter to her Mom. And it started the tears again. The tears started last night at mass. For some reason, it hit me like a ton of bricks that my mother has now been gone (as in dead) for 35 years. 35 years. God Bless Her.

I went to a meeting this morning and the tone was very light - which rubbed me the wrong way. You know, the smart ass guys wishing all you "mothers" (as in half of the hyphenated word) a happy mother's day. ha ha. Then at the end of the meeting a woman shared that her son had killed himself 2 days before Mother's Day a few years ago. And she hates the day. God Bless Her.

I need to call my sponsor today- she had her two older children taken away from her when she was still drinking, and has not seen them once since then. She got to raise one daughter - who is now serving a life sentence for murder. Yeah, mother's day is not her favorite either. God Bless Her too.

Alcoholism is a brutal disease. It decimates the alcoholic and all around him or her. Anyone who says they are grateful to be an alcoholic must be an orphan who never married or had children. I am more grateful than words can say to be sober, but am I grateful that I have this fucking disease and that one or two of my children have it? FUCK NO.

OK, I will stop:

My son called this morning. He also sent a card -which is a big deal for him. I miss him. My "problem" daughter may or may not be coming over today. The disease has her pretty good right now and she may not be able to tear herself away for a few hours. We shall see. God Bless Her. Her twin sister will be coming over. It may just be the two of us, and if it is, we will go see a movie.

Sorry to be so morbid. I have a wonderful life today. It is truly a God-Given Miracle. Sometimes it is just too sad for words to see what this disease does to people.

Total Non-Sequitor: Go see pictures of my new bike and yesterday's bike ride at my photo blog.

Too Excited

to sleep. I woke up at about 3:30 a.m. thinking about getting a new bicycle. I am really excited about the prospect. I will show up at the bike shop when it opens at 10:00. In the meantime, I will go swimming as the pool opens at 6:00. Then I can take a nap this afternoon, after a good bike ride - I hope.

I have less than three months to train for the triathlon. I am not ready. I am not even on target with my training. But I can get ready. I have to remember that the big lesson learned from my first triathlon was not to take it so seriously. I had trained too hard. My second triathlon was more fun. I am so excited about this one because both my daughters are registered to do it with me.

What has this got to do with recovery from alcoholism? Everything. I get to do things I could only dream of when I was drinking. I was always "gonna" do great things when I was drinking, but somehow, the drinking was all I ever got done.

What?

does Smirnoff make and put into a six pack? Sheesh.
I was just at the bike shop, I am going to buy a new bike because I am afraid of my skinny tire one. I am just not getting over the fear from my accident last year. So, I am going to try to trick myself by getting a new mountain bike so I have more stability.

Being somewhat smart, I decided not to purchase the bike right this second. I will go back after I have had time to think about it.

So, on my way out, I see a guy with a six pack of Corona ( I am very familiar with that beverage) and a six pack of Smirnoff something. Well, I have been sober long enough that I have never even had a wine cooler, not to mention a Zima, etc... And that is OK. But can someone tell me what Smirnoff beverage comes in little bottles?

Thank you.

Self, self, self

Yesterday I got mired in the self-centeredness of "low self-esteem". I guess you could call it low self-esteem. I felt inadequate to do much of anything and by day's end, I was convinced I needed to quit my job and start anew somewhere else. Somewhere I would be appreciated, supported, maybe even LOVED! Somewhere I would never screw up again. Never again would I make a mistake or fail to follow through.

And that is all nothing but EGO. Ego. What I thought was insecurity is self-centeredness. Someone once told me "if you are self-conscious, you are self-centered." Yikes. I didn't like that one little bit, but I thought about it and realized it was true. If I am thinking of others, what I can bring to a situation for others, I am not worried about whether my hair looks great, or how I sound, or if so-and-so thinks I am a moron.

So today, I shall endeavor to get over myself and just show up for work and do my job. Not worry about what anyone is thinking about me, because I will be thinking about what I can do for them.

"We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

HNT

"We are only operating a spiritual kindergarten in which people are enabled to get over drinking and find the grace to go on living to better effect." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 95

Snowy May Morning

Yep. Snow. Jeez Louise. I am so ready for this to be done.

I am going to pack up my gym bag and go for a run on the treadmill after work because I am not going out in the snow now. I understand getting outdoors in the snow and the ice and the sleet, etc. in January and February - but May?

Okay, enough complaining.

It has been a really wonderful week so far. It was great to see the big guy from the big sky on Monday. It was great to talk with him a few times on the phone yesterday.

Last night the phone rang, and I looked at the caller ID, as I always do. It was my "problem" daughter. I got an instant of fear and then answered the phone. She and her two daughters were laying in bed, with the speaker phone, and the little ones yelled "Hi Nana!" It was really a nice little surprise. Oh - and on Sunday my son called to make sure he has my address right! How cool is that? In case you are not picking up what is so cool, reminder: This Sunday is Mother's Day.

Lifelong Friends

Mary Christine and Big Sky Maack - outside of the meeting tonight. I haven't seen my friend for 12 years. What a blessing that we have these friendships in Alcoholics Anonymous. I have known him since I got sober in 1984. And what a riot, he and I. He in his red suit, I in my red hair and sitting, like the granny I am, knitting in the meeting. Oh man, if they only knew the maniacs we used to be!

"Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself." - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 153.

Note the time on this thing! I am up about 4 hours past my bedtime. I bet I won't be running tomorrow morning... just a hunch.

Monday in May

"Not many people can truthfully assert that they love everybody. Most of us must admit that we have loved but a few; that we have been quite indifferent to the many. As for the remainder-- well, we have really disliked or hated them.

We AA's find we need something much better than this in order to keep our balance. The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few, can ignore the many, and can continue to fear or hate anybody at all, has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time.

We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had formerly shown none. With those we dislike we can at least begin to practice justice and courtesty, perhaps going out of our way at times to understand and help them."
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 95

Monday morning. Getting ready for a run. Then I will go to work. I will try to do the above in all my dealings this week. Maybe I will get to see Big Sky Maack this week as he drives through Denver?

Sunday Morning

I went to night watch last night. Night watch is when a person or entity, like an AA group, takes responsibility for answering the calls received by the Denver Area Central Office for a block of time. One of the groups I attend takes the first Saturday of the month, from 5 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. We have a potluck at someone's house and we take calls. We got a LOT of calls last night. It was fun.

It was hard to show up there with my wacky hair color. BUT, I felt better when I got some compliments - including a totally spontaneous rave from a young man I don't know well. He just said "Wow! You look beautiful! I never realized you have such beautiful eyes!" Now, THAT was cool. So, of course, I like my hair a lot better now.

Another thing I don't like... I probably shouldn't complain about it here...but I will anyway. I realized after a while that I was sober longer than anyone there. I hate it when that happens. I guess I better get used to it though because my hope is that I will never take a drink again as long as I live. One day at a time, by the Grace of God, and just doing the next right thing, I hope to do that.

Now I will go plant the beautiful rose bush I bought yesterday. I will probably take and post pictures later... Note: I posted a close up of a rose - it is now in my garden, and very beautiful. The picture I took yesterday was right after an afternoon shower, you can practically smell it from the computer, can't you?

Seis de Mayo

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I have very dark red hair, and my eyebrows are also very dark red. I feel like a clown. I need to mow my lawn and I think I will wear a hat and sunglasses. I need to purchase my flowers and plants for the garden this year and I don't want to be seen in public. I will get over it... honest. For one thing, the color will fade - in time. Maybe I can call in sick to work and life for the next two and a half weeks?

Met my sponsee at her job last night and we went out for dinner which was great fun (that was back when I had normal colored hair and eyebrows). Well, I gotta go mow. I think I will wear a big straw hat and try to disguise myself as an eccentric gardner - wait, that wouldn't be a disguise. hmmmm.

Happy Weekend everybody. I am only half joking here....

Friday Morning

I woke this morning not knowing immediately what day of the week it is. I thought it was Saturday. But then I remembered my LUNCH plans for today. I am taking a co-worker out for lunch. Her birthday is on Sunday. I bought her a gift certificate for a pedicure - she has never had one. We had "words" yesterday and I was so furious with her, I would have wished she could vanish. Thank God that I can pray when I feel like that and God will help me to get over it - if I let him.

"We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension." - Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 53

no plAAce like home?

Ruby slippers? Probably not. I don't think the illustrious ruby slippers were wedgies. oh well.

Wonderful Wednesday

I just got done with a run - my best time in a long while. If you could bottle the fragrance of all the flowers and fruit trees in blossom, you could become very rich. I love May.

The former boyfriend showed up yesterday and installed a new pressure relief valve, and also fixed my sprinkler system. It was both wonderful and terrible to see him. It brought back a lot of stuff. I wanted to stay home from work and just spend the day with him, but I didn't. I am very grateful to him for spending most of a day here fixing all this stuff that makes me feel so vulnerable and helpless.

So, as I sit, drinking my water and trying to cool down from my run, I can hear the lovely hiss of my sprinkler system running! Left to my own devices, at this time in the morning, I would be trying to get the first drink down so that I could stop shaking. Thank God I had enough of that kind of "fun" and became willing to admit defeat. And in return I got a life that was beyond my wildest dreams.

Bill of Goods

Gosh, this is turning into a plumbing blog. I just erased 2 paragraphs that were just STARTING to tell the latest chapter in the plumbing story. But you know what? It is barely interesting to me, why on earth would someone else want to read about it? So, suffice it to say, I didn't believe what the plumber told me on Saturday and it turns out it was the truth. I need to replace a valve in my house. I am incredulous that I don't know a plumber in AA. I can't believe it.

My old boyfriend said he would come over this morning to replace the valve and fix my sprinkler system. I have faith that he is capable of doing these things. Whether he will show up is the question. So I will see if he shows up. And if he does, I will be eternally grateful to him. He is such a good man, the fact that he can't get sober is one of the bigger heart-breaking mysteries to me.

"Then some of us are far more alcohol-damaged than others. Still others encounter a series of calamaties and cannot seem to find the spiritual resources to meet them. There are those of us who are physically ill. Others are subject to more or less continuous exhaustion, anxiety, and depression. These conditions often play a part in slips-sometimes they are utterly controlling." - As Bill Sees It, p.99

As I type that paragraph, I realize how grateful I am to be sober. I have done everything wrong in sobriety that you can do. The only thing I think I have done right is I never stopped going to meetings. And I think as long as you go to meetings, you will be prodded into taking the other action necessary to stay sober. Just my opinion mind you...