My largest? Do you really want to know?
"The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands. The difference between a demand and a simple request is plain to anyone." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 76
In the "work" I have done over the years, the steps have revealed to me that I have a tremendous fear of rejection. I could tell you what that was based in, the history of my life, etc., and therefore tell you why it is legitimate for me to have this fear. But that is not what sobriety is about. We are in the business of getting well, not making excuses.
In the DSM-IV (be grateful if you don't know what this is), in one of the descriptions of one of the personality disorders, is this unintentional acronym for fear: Frantic Efforts to Avoid Rejection.
I no longer indulge in frantic efforts, but when I sniff rejection on the wind, I sure can do some strange stuff. I wish this were not the case, but it is.
Yesterday was a day when I behaved more like a 16 year old girl than a 56 year old woman who has been sober for 24 years.
But today is a day where I have a chance to behave the way I believe I should. And tonight in my 10th step, I hope I don't need to write about the stupid crap I have done today.
With the help of God I can do this.