I talked with my sponsor for a long time yesterday afternoon. We literally cried together. Mourning the Alcoholics Anonymous that we both knew and loved. I am afraid it is no longer. I will continue to try to find a home in AA, but what we knew and loved is gone. The AA where we actually knew each others last names and cared about one another. The AA where we took an interest in everyone in the group - whether they were sober a few hours or a few decades. Where we gave each other rides and phone calls. Where we cared enough about people killing each other with sick behavior that we spoke up about it.
So I no longer fit. That is OK. It might even be good. I know I will find (or start) another group, and this season of grief, loss, and sadness will pass. Something better is on the other side, I am sure.
I have two beautiful granddaughters waiting outside for me to come and sit on the front porch and knit, while I rock in my rocking chair. I really can't imagine what could be better than that!