I love Saturday Mornings

Look at what's outside my window this morning! And there's lots more of those little yellow things on my lawn!
Look what's on my bedroom floor! My granddaughters stayed last night and will be here with me today while their mother (my daughter) moves.

It is a beautiful day. This is typically my favorite time of the year. Somehow all the events of the summer have left me like a grieving person who doesn't want the seasons to change. But today I will enjoy the day. I will get outside with my Olivia and Madeline and play in the golden sunshine.

"As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter. We were reborn." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

September's Goal Met!

My downloaded run information for September. I met my goal of 60 miles! The most I have ever run in a month before this was 45 miles (in August). I am very excited about this. And I LOVE Nike + iPod!
Look at the leaves on my front lawn this morning!
The beginning of sunrise as I headed back from my run this a.m.

As I took a picture of the sunrise, I was taken by the beautiful silence of the morning. I said a prayer of thanks for it.

"In the morning we think of the hours to come. Perhaps we think of our day's work and the chances it may afford us to be useful and helpful, or of some special problem that it may bring." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 102

fAAmily issues

I am grateful that I have a family to love and to love me. And they give me plenty to pray about every day.

I finally got hold of my sponsor last night. She is out of state visiting with her sister. So we could talk about family issues - both of us having very fresh experiences. We agreed that no matter how long you have been sober, how many times you have done the steps, how "well" you have gotten - there are still old wounds that will occassionally hurt.

Now please do not interpret that to mean that it is OK to walk around feeling like a victim all the time, because that is not the case. Through the steps and staying sober, one day at a time, year after year, we get freedom from that trap. We learn to walk with our heads up - claiming our places as God's people on this earth. We learn to take responsibility for our selves and our happiness. And that is truly a miracle.

"We form ideas as to what we think God's will is for other people. We say to ourselves, 'This one ought to be cured of his fatal malady,' or 'That one ought to be relieved of his emotional pain,' and we pray for these specific things. Such prayers, of course, are fundamentally good acts, but often they are based upon a supposition that we know God's will for the person for whom we pray. This means that side by side with an earnest prayer there can be a certain amount of presumption and conceit in us. It is AA's experience that particuarly in these cases we ought to pray that God's will, whatever it is, be done for others as well as for ourselves." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 104

RID

Restless, Irritable, and Discontent. I am not a happy girl today. I will get over it. Honest. But right now - I am not happy.

I had no internet access last night at home. Or this morning. And I called Qwest about my DSL and I don't want to write a damn book about this, but I am not happy with those people.

At work my computer is not working right either. I have a help desk ticket in, and I am sure it will get resolved. And my DSL at home should be all right tonight... I hope.

I seem to have gotten wrapped up in the worldly world with my sister's visit and now I need to seriously get readjusted. I have no perspective. I am still reeling from watching her purchase a $1,700. handbag. It is none of my business, but I don't get it. And I can't live in that world. I do not have those values. Frankly, if I do adhere to those values, I better get used to the idea that I am a big fat loser, which I do not believe.

I did take a nice sunrise 3 mile run this morning - which brings my September total to 58 miles. Only 2 more miles to go to get my 60 miles. And I have a race on Sunday. It will be good.

Back to work

That's a picture of the train we took on Saturday. It was really, really fun. It goes 12 miles one way through the Royal Gorge - along the Arkansas River outside of Canon City (Colorado), then stops, and goes back. It takes an hour each way. It is beautiful and the lunch we were served was really good. My sister really enjoyed it and that was a relief - I was pretty nervous about her liking much of anything since she is such a city person. I tried to get her to take a mini-mini-mini hike, but it never happened. Somehow we got WAY too busy shopping on Sunday to get out to the mountains.

I am grateful that I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love many people, and I enjoy many things... but nothing is as good as sitting with my fellow alcoholics in an AA meeting - where I belong. I love AA. I love AA members. That is where I belong. Thanks to AA, I can go out in the world and get along with people, and look like I pretty much fit in most of the time, but I know what my reality is. My reality is that all of this seeming normalness is only by the Grace of a Loving God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Left to my own devices, I am a drooling, babbling, peeing-my-pants drunk - who doesn't get along with ANYONE for more than a few minutes.

"AA has taught me that I will have peace of mind in exact proportion to the peace of mind I bring into the lives of other people, and it has taught me the true meaning of the admonition, 'happy are ye who know these things and do them.' For the only problems I have now are those I create when I break out in a rash of self-will." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd ed., p. 551

I'm Tired

But Happy. It has been a very nice weekend with my sister. It has been fun to be a tourist in my own state. It has been nice to visit with my sister on my own turf... it is usually me visiting her in NYC. I tried to get her to take a hike with me yesterday and that never happened. Oh well. I feel like there is so much to write, but I am almost out of here to take her to the airport. Maybe I will write later today, because thankfully I have taken the whole day off work. I need some serious down-time now. Oh, and I cannot wait to get to a meeting. I haven't been to one since Weds.

"Now that we're in AA and sober, winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against the dangers of big-shot-ism, we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 92

Saturday Morning

I am going to be a crappy blogger for the next day or so. I haven't had time to visit everyone's blog, and I don't have much time to write something thoughtful now. But I am having a great visit with my sister. We went out for dinner last night at a restaurant I have always wanted to go to. It is Uber Expensive, but a real Colorado experience. I had Prime Rib of Buffalo! My sister and I had many fits of uncontrolled giggling. My father used to love to watch us giggle, I could just imagine him last night looking down and smiling again at his daughters.

Today we are taking a train ride through the Royal Gorge. It is a 2 hour train trip, and we will be seated in the dome car, eating lunch. It should be fun. Even though the weather is absolutely awful - cold and rainy. It takes 2 hours to get to Canon City from whence the train departs, so this will be an all day excursion for us. And fun, I hope.

What a miracle it is for this old drunk to be able to have a happy visit with my older sister. By the Grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I get to live a peaceful and happy life today, without all the worries and trials that active alcoholism carries with it.

"We of AA obey spiritual principles, at first because we must, then because we ought to, and ultimately because we love the kind of life such obedience brings. Great suffering and great love are AA's disciplinarians; we need no others." Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 174

Friday

My sister is flying into Denver this morning. I am excited and a little nervous. I put her flight info into my palm and when I checked it last night, it wasn't there. I had to totally reset my palm last week and I didn't realize there was info I had lost... but sure enough, her flight info isn't there. I looked at the airline website and I am sure I know what flight she is going to be on, but this is a bit disconcerting. I hope to God I am not standing at the wrong baggage carousel waiting for her. Yikes. Don't even want to think about that.

I cleaned all day yesterday which just seems nuts. How can a house you live in all the time need so much cleaning? I just kept finding more things I needed to do. And this morning, I am still finding more things I need to do. I better get on with it.

Update: My son did call yesterday afternoon. It was 1:00 a.m. in Iraq so he sounded good, but tired. It helps so much to hear from him. He said he should be able to call about once a week, I sure hope so.

Wish me good luck with my sister's visit.

"We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85

The hope...

of another day. Another sober day. There is always hope as long as I don't take a drink of alcohol.

I am somewhat awestruck by some of my commenters lately. I mostly treat this blog like a bit of a lark, I just put something on it every day that is hopefully somewhat entertaining. I try to always make the connection between my every day life to the miracle of living sober. I have made the assumption (yeah, I know...) that my readership, however small, was mostly comprised of recovering alcoholics. However, I am finding that a fairly large percentage of my readers have gotten to my blog by searching "alcoholics anonymous," "how do I know if I am an alcoholic," "how to deal with an alcoholic mother/son/daughter/father," "will he get sober if I leave," etc.

Every time I get serious on my blog, I say - I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. By the Grace of God, I have been continuously sober since July 24, 1984. That gives me some experience, strength, and hope, which I wish to share with anyone who desires. However, it does not make me an expert on alcoholism, recovery from alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, or anything else. I am a fully fallible human being, an alcoholic human being. I make plenty of mistakes, some of which can be seen here in my postings over the last year. I am honored that people actually read my blog because it is mostly all about me! me! me! I love to read the blogs of other recovering alcoholics. We are hugely entertaining people.

But I feel I must say that if you are trying to stop drinking, please give yourself a break and call Alcoholics Anonymous. Just about anywhere in the world, they will be listed in the telephone book. The top link on my sidebar is information about AA, you can click there and get information on how to contact AA. There are a couple of million of alcoholics who have gotten sober in AA and would love nothing more than to help others to recover.

Al-Anon helps people who are affected by an alcoholic (drunk or sober). It will not teach you how to sober that person up, it will help you to take care of yourself and find happiness regardless of another person's behavior.

Sorry to be so serious today. There are so many hurting people in the world, I wish they all could find the kind of contentment and peace of mind I have found in AA. Not that life is a picnic every day, there are still problems, but I don't have to react to things the way I once did. Today I actually have choices!

"So to you out there - who may soon be with us - we say "Good luck and God bless you!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 121

Wednesday Morning

This will be my last day of work until next Tuesday. I am excited about having 5 days in a row where I don't have to go to work. But I have a lot of work to get done today.

I am fighting a feeling of sadness over missing a call from my son yesterday. I went to a meeting after work, and for the first time since he left in July, I turned my phone off for the meeting. I have been telling people that I am leaving my phone on, sorry, but that is how my son communicates with me and I am not missing a call from him. So, this one time I turn off my phone, he called. He also called my home phone, and his message sounded sad, but if it was 6:00 p.m. here, it was something like 4 a.m. in Iraq. He was probably tired. I don't care if they are thirty days or thirty years old, a mother always is a mother. And he will always be my baby, even though I am aware that he is a grown man. Hopefully he called someone else in the family and I will hear about it today.

"With each passing day of our lives, may every one of us sense more deeply the inner meaning of AA's simple prayer:
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 125

39 Degrees

And I am going to go out and run (last night I found my running gloves and hat). It takes too dang long to drive to the gym and get on the treadmill - and yesterday I got stuck in traffic on the way home and was very late for work. I love using the treadmill because it is not as hard on a body, but being outdoors is much more spiritual. So in a minute, I will go out and run in the cold, dark morning - and won't it be great to see the sunrise?

I am going to take another day of vacation to get everything ready for my sister's visit this weekend. I will take Thursday off in addition to Friday and Monday. It will be nice to have a day to leisurely get ready. I feel like I have spent so much time getting the house ready, and it still just isn't there! My sister has done so much for me over the years, I want to make sure that everything is just right for her when she is here.

We had not spoken for 10 years when I got sober. We reconciled within months of my getting sober. Thank God for this way of life. It is so much more than just not drinking. Not that it isn't a big deal to not drink, because clearly it is, but the other things we get are just incredible. Things that seem to be impossible just somehow fall into place when we commence a spiritual way of life.

"We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us do, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

I Love Monday

I am grateful that I have a job to go to today. I am grateful there will be people there I actually love. I am grateful that I am an "exempt" employee, and don't have to punch a time clock, because, man! am I going to be late! I got stuck in traffic coming home from the gym. I had a good run, and one of these minutes, I am going to get out of these stinky running clothes and get ready for work!

I had my 10,000th visitor last night at 11:53 p.m. It was someone from Seattle, domain name Qwest.net. It was no one with whom I am familiar. So I guess no prize. Dang it!

Again, I will thank all of you bloggers who share your experience, strength, and hope. I cherish each of your blogs and look forward to visiting daily. I am so impressed by the quality of our sharing and the respect with which we treat each other - for the most part.

"I have become a pupil of the AA movement rather than the teacher I once thought I was." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 169

Today or Tomorrow

I should see the 10,000 hit mark on my humble little blog. I wish I could figure out who it is (and hope to God it isn't ME!) so I could send them a prize. Funny, huh?

Date was fine last night. It was my third date with this man. I am going to his house today to watch the Broncos game on his big screen TV. I am not all ga-ga over this guy like I was the last one. I do not know how to do this shit. We went to see the movie "Hollywoodland" which I absolutely LOVED. He didn't like it so much, but I sure did.

I am a little disgruntled this morning because I went out last night instead of going to church like I normally do... then I went to church this morning instead of the Sunday Morning meeting of my home group that is so important to me. I went to lots of meetings last week because I knew the weekend was going to be packed, but I miss my Sunday Morning meeting when I don't get there. When I got home from church I wanted to run outdoors - but decided not to because it is too cold and windy. I can run in the cold, but I just can't deal with the wind today.

My brother forwarded me an e-mail from my son. I read it to my daughter and was relieved that she had the same reaction I did... I thought I was being maybe a bit self-centered (who, me?) But she was also a little bit miffed that he wrote out a nice couple paragraph e-mail to his uncle, but sends us only a sentence or two. I told her he probably knows he can get away with that stuff with us - which, of course, he can. He sounds really good. He said he is doing well, is in nice facilities, has good food and is really busy flying which makes the time go by fast. That is music to a mother's ear. He also said Iraq isn't as much of a desert as he thought it would be - there are trees and a little bit of grass.

So I am grateful I have somewhere to go to watch the football game today. My son used to come over every Sunday and watch the game with me, and this is a challenging time for me. Thank God I don't have to sit here and plunge into despair.

"We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering. Escape via the bottle was always our solution. Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 74

62 miles

I purchased my Nike+ iPod thing a month ago, and just calculated how many miles I have run this month - I am thrilled to say that I have broken 60 miles! Yay for me! I just ran 4 miles this morning.

Yesterday at the gym, I was listening to a kinda dirrrty song by Christina Aguilera on my iPod and looked behind me and saw the Priest from my church! At the gym! And suddenly I felt very very naked in my little running shorts and little singlet with my little pink bra showing. Yikes! Then I am wondering - am I a big fat hypocrite? Or am I a many faceted woman? Or am I a case of arrested developement? It is too bizarre that I am going to be 55 in December - I sure don't act my age. Oh well. Better to act too young than too old I think. Although I could certainly be wrong.

I need to get my house clean this weekend because my sister is coming next weekend. I have a lot of work to do. I have a hair appointment at 10:00. I have a date tonight. In other words, I have no time. And I am sitting here, still haven't eaten breakfast, sweat dripping off my hair, need to mow the lawn, etc., etc., etc.

Life is very very good. I could get carried away with all of the above and think this is all a problem, but the truth is, none of this is a problem. It is having a full life, and all the stuff that goes along with it. It wasn't long ago I was worried about if I would ever see my kids again, or where I was going to lay my head that night. Now I have this huge problem of getting ready to go spend an afternoon getting my hair done! Poor Me! And wondering how I am going to mow my lawn and clean my house at the same time! Woe is me! And get ready to see a man who asked me to wear my stilleto heels with my new jeans tonight - oh yeah baby!

"Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for complete approval, utter security, and perfect romance - urges quite appropriate to age seventeen - prove to be an impossible way of life at forty-seven or fifty-seven." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 330

Friday Morning

You get there and there are stairs...
and some stairs...
And then, some more stairs...
View from the stage at Red Rocks.

Last night after the meeting, after having sat still for an hour, I stood up and realized that my legs suddenly got very sore from climbing those stairs 3 times on Weds. night. I am still going to run 3 miles this morning, probably they will feel better once I start running. It sure was fun to climb those stairs.

I am grateful to be alive and sober and living in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains in the United States of America.

"The moment Twelfth Step work forms a group, a discovery is made - that most individuals cannot recover unless there is a group. Realization dawns on each member that he is but a small part of a great whole; that no personal sacrifice is too great for preservation of the Fellowship." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 9

Thursday

These are the caalvin kleins I purchased on Tuesday. I really like them. I am a big caalvin fan. (again with the misspelling so my blog doesn't come up when you search for that designer - if you say something enough times in your blog, it will come up in searches!)

Last night I took some great photos, but I don't have time to post them now. My rec therapist friend asked me to go to Red Rocks with her to run the stairs. Oh yeah! We went and did that. I mostly walked, which is a huge work out. I went up and down the stairs 3 times - it took 30 minutes and I worked up quite a sweat. I stood on the stage for a while and contemplated the fact that the Beatles and so many others had played there. I also recalled the year that Big Sky Maack and I went there for an Easter Sunrise Service after being up all night (sober). What a magical place.

My neighbor called me at 6:30 a.m. and imagine both of our surprise when she woke me up! I NEVER sleep this late, not even on weekends, not even after staying up half the night. Maybe I should go to Red Rocks more often!

"We discover that we do receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and on our terms." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 104

Retail Therapy

Yep. I did that yesterday. I didn't buy a new computer, so I can pat myself on the back that at least I spent less than $1,000. However, I did go on my lunch break to the now ubiquitous Macy's and purchase a new pair of Calvin Klein jeans and some very pricey moisturizer for my face. Oh well.

I have lately felt this tiny hole in my gut. I have tried to ascertain the cause of the hole, and I think it is a combination of things. My son being in a very dangerous place (Iraq), one of my daughters being in the dangerous psychic place of leaving her husband, my other daughter purchasing a motorcycle and taking increasingly scary (to me) trips into the wilderness. Then, of course, the demise of what seemed like such a promising relationship (I keep saying I am not going to talk about this anymore, but, oh well). And although I know another man, another computer, more gadgets, and more clothes will not fill the hole in my gut, I still have the instinct to do those things.

Only God can fill me up. And in my experience, he cannot do that when I am sitting around thinking about myself. He only has the opportunity to do that when I am busy thinking of and doing for others.

"I just know that you are expected, at some point, to do more than carry the message of AA to other alcoholics. In AA we aim not only for sobriety - we try again to become citizens of the world that we rejected, and of the world that once rejected us. This is the ultimate demostration toward which Twelfth Step work is the first but not the final step." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 21

I want a new computer

I am having severe malfunctions this morning. I want a new computer. I want a mac. I have a 4 year old Dell - which I loved - but now is slow and starting to do wacky stuff. Why can't computers last more than a couple of years? I can't seem to upload my workout information to nike+ which really makes me mad. I ran a 5K this morning. I want those three miles on my little graph of my runs.

Do you see my alcoholic nature in the above paragraph? There it is in green and white, and some red. I want what I want when I want it. And then I want more.

Oh, but I need to always remember that I have what I need and, oh, so much more!

"We are taught to differentiate between our wants (which are never satisfied) and our needs (which are always provided for). We cast off the burdens of the past and the anxieties of the future, as we begin to live in the present, one day at a time. We are granted 'the serenity to accept the things we cannot change' - and thus lose our quickness to anger and our sensitivity to criticism." -- Alcohohlics Anonymous, 3rd ed. p. 560

9/11/06

This morning I picked up the books I read every morning and it nearly took my breath away when I saw
"September 11"
at the top of the page.
I didn't wake up with that foremost in my mind.

I am grateful today that I got to experience that moment in history and many other moments of personal, national, and global history - sober. I am grateful that I know that no matter what is going on, I just have to be "where my feet are". I only have to live in this moment, at this time, in this place. I am grateful that I know that I only have to do the footwork, and the rest is out of my hands. I am grateful for a loving God.

"On the day that the calamity of Pearl Harbor fell upon our country, a great friend of AA was walking along a St. Louis street. Father Edward Dowling was not an alcoholic, but he had been one of the founders of the struggling AA group in his city. Because many of his usually sober friends had already taken to their bottles that they might blot out the implications of the Pearl Harbor disaster, Father Ed was anguished by the thought that his cherished AA group would probably do the same. Then a member, sober less than a year, stepped alongside and engaged Father Ed in a spirited conversation--mostly about AA. Father Ed saw, with relief, that his companion was perfectly sober. 'How is it that you have nothing to say about Pearl Harbor? How can you roll with a punch like that?' 'Well,' replied the yearling, 'each of us in AA has already had his own private Pearl Harbor. So why should we drunks crack up over this one?" -- As Bill Sees It, p. 71

Five Years Ago Today...

My kids and I went to the season opener at the new (Invesco Field at) Mile High Stadium. The Broncos played the New York Giants, and won 31 to 20. In the course of that game, my all time favorite player ever in the universe, see above, Mr. Eddie McCaffrey, Wide Receiver, #87, broke his left leg.

The next morning, I woke up and quickly turned on the TV to see what had happened with Eddie's injury. I soon forgot about Eddie's injury when I saw an image of smoke billowing out of a hole in the World Trade Center.

Life is strange. But thank God I have gotten to experience a good bit of it sober. This morning at my home group, my friend Fred suggested we run away together. Then he laughed and said we would be pretty boring... he has got to be in his late 70s or early 80s. I am grateful there are still some "older" men in AA who find me an incredibly cute "younger" woman! I am grateful that I am getting old with others in the fellowship. It is a good deal.

"I have come to realize that the name of the game is not so much to stop drinking as to stay sober. Alcoholics can stop drinking in many places and many ways - but Alcoholics Anonymous offers us a way to stay sober." Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd ed., p. 560