Having Grown up in Youngstown, Ohio

It's a strange thing to know that the places of your youth now lie in ruins. When others casually express their belief in the permanence of things, I wish I had time to just kind of share with them my experience with permanence - it is fleeting.

I grew up in a steel town in eastern Ohio. The steel mills were a fixture, most families were composed of generations that had worked there. People complained about the steel companies and the smoke billowing into the sky. My father always said that when there was smoke coming out of the mills, it meant that families were eating. He was a product of the depression. I came to believe that the production of steel was a good thing and that men working and providing for their families was a good thing. Did I ever wonder if those days would end in my lifetime? Nope. But they did.

I am working at a hospital that is now in the process of down-sizing that has become so down-sized that it is down-right scary. I have watched with a broken heart as colleagues, staff who are "fixtures," have left. I have watched with a broken heart as units have closed and whole populations of patients have been left without a place to go. I have been absolutely amazed to see whole buildings left vacant and lifeless. Did I ever think this would happen in my lifetime? Nope. But it did.

So, (I bet most of you know where I am going with this...) when people casually say that AA will just magically survive into the future without any care or concern about its health or integrity I am incredulous. There is nothing in this world that is permanent. I sure would like to see the beautiful life saving program that is Alcoholics Anonymous survive to save future generations of alcoholics. But I fear that will not happen if we, the current membership, do not take some care to protect it. God has given us a great treasure and I think he expects us to care for it, not neglect and abuse it.

Full Moon and Empty Garage

Almost anything sounds poetic in conjunction with "full moon," doesn't it?

Today I went to a meeting and to breakfast with a friend who was celebrating 12 years of sobriety. He is a wonderful young man who gives me hope in the future of Alcoholics Anonymous. He is serious about the program, about service, about steps, about helping others, about being humble, and he has been infinitely helpful to my daughter over the last year. Oh yes, I do love this man in a very special motherly way- even though he is only 10 years younger than I am.

When I got home from breakfast, the driver's side door of my car refused to shut. I looked at it and looked at it again. I tried to shut it and tried to shut it again, and it just bounced back open. I went next door to my neighbor who is an amateur mechanic... she assured me that it was nothing and invited me in to tell her about my trip. We spent about a half hour... then we came over to look at my car door - and she couldn't get it to close either.

I called the stinking Volkswagen dealer and they suggested I have the car towed. Well, I didn't want to pay for TWO tows in one week for a 5 year old car with 60,000 miles on it... so I rolled down the front and rear windows and bungee corded the door shut and drove it to the dealership - and felt quite elegant all the way. I thought it was an especially nice touch that I had to listen to a howling warning that my door was open the entire way.

I have lost my sense of humor where my car is concerned. That car has to go and go very soon. I wonder how much that car is going to cost me per day. They are keeping it over the weekend because they have to take the door apart, bla bla bla..... $$$$$.... bla bla bla..... $$$$$

I walked to church tonight. That was more of an adventure than I would have thought, but it was nice still.

Tomorrow I have a date with a m.a.n. to go to a movie. It will be good for me to escape from my phone and my family and my car and my books and my life for a little while. And go to the planet of Nava? Is that what that is - Avatar? (I bet I don't like this movie either.)

Tomorrow is another day and I will endeavor to enjoy it to the best of my ability. A nice man who looks a lot like Brett Favre is taking me to a movie. We will have fun.

I am grateful for the sober experience of living this way for some years... I know that no matter how I feel right now, it will be fine. The world will not end over a few stupid car repairs. But a string of me purchasing 7 new VWs (and 2 Audis) is OVER. Over. Finished.

Full Moon Friday Night

Tonight on my way home from work, I noticed a huge moon hanging in the sky and wanted to photograph it. I stopped at a park to walk around and see what I could do. On the way there, a man I adore phoned, so as I walked around the park, I described the scenes to him and sort of took him with me. It really was quite romantic.... in a limited way. Unfortunately, the mountains were to the west and the moon was to the east and the moon is always difficult to capture anyway. So I have photos I like, but none of them include that fabulous moon that was the whole reason for the trip to the park.

When I left the park I happened to call a sponsee who I discovered - after talking for quite a while about the great State of Colorado, the weather, our recent travels, politics, and books we are reading - that she is having a terrible time. We were able to talk about that. I was able to offer the suggestion that she is likely unable to fix her difficulties with her own abilities- those same abilities that got her into the difficulties. She is going to need the help of God. I had some practical suggestions for some daily activities that are likely to lead her to a greater reliance upon God and a lesser reliance upon herself. We will talk again tomorrow.

When I got home and had eaten dinner, I texted my daughter - and found that she was in the middle of a crisis at work. It seems that a customer complained about her to their corporate office. My daughter was freaked out earlier today because a 3 year old child had fallen in the restaurant and had suffered a head injury that was quite bloody and frightening. A customer came in just after that and was not impressed with my daughter's attention to detail in assembling her burrito! So she e-mailed a letter to the corporate office, and citing her considerable expertise as a bartender, detailed why my daughter is a meth addict - tattoos, jerky movements, inattention to the very important details of her burrito - and why she will no longer feel comfortable being a customer at the restaurant. So my daughter needs to get a physician to write a letter explaining why she will sometimes have involuntary movements as a person who shot meth for 16 years. My daughter volunteered to do a drug test on the spot... but that isn't what they wanted.

My daughter knows who this woman is - and I would like to find out who she is. I would like to have a little chat with her. I won't. But I would sure like to. They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... I say hell hath no fury like a woman whose sober daughter is being messed with. Imagine being the world's expert on who is and who is not using drugs because you are a bartender?

All I could tell my daughter was to remember that God will always take care of her. That her job would never be more important than her sobriety. If she needed to walk away from her job, she needed to walk away from her job. She is so much like me, I know she will not do that.

And now I need to do my prayer and meditation and go to bed. And I bet once I do that, I will have a different perspective.

Good night....

Night Blogging

You know, I just don't really like blogging at night. Sometimes when I have something I really really want to write about, I want to write at night when I have more time. But for the most part, I don't have any energy at night and it is a challenge to think of something to write about.

I most frequently think of things to snipe at, which I really don't want to do. Or I want to write about my day - which I think is just too boring.

So, instead of sniping, I will write about my day...

Today I said goodbye to (another) one of my colleagues. Years ago I hated her. I had to write inventory about her. I had to pray for her. I made her favorite cookies and wrapped them with a bow and brought them to her. I hand knit a blanket for her baby when she was pregnant. God never fails when we really put forth the effort, that resentment melted away and I came to love her.

Two weeks ago when she came into my office, closed the door, and told me she was leaving, tears spontaneously sprang to my eyes. And today I cried when I saw her office in disarray - her diplomas and awards and fancy schmancy this and that all off the wall and packed away now. One of the things packed away was a photo of her daughter wrapped in the blanket I knit. Her daughter is now in school, but then she was a baby. This photo has been in a place of prominence in her office for years.

Tomorrow my workplace will be a different place without her. It will be a much emptier place without her. I will miss her.

I am so grateful that God is able to change my puny little heart. I would have preferred to stay in hatred, but it was just too unpleasant. I knew that it would hurt ME, not her. So, I knew I had to take a few simple steps and pray that God would change my heart. And he did not let me down that time - or any other.

Without that, I would have missed the sadness today, but I would have missed years of a wonderful friend and colleague - I would have missed out terribly.

SOTU and AI

I started writing an ambitious post with all sorts of intellectual and complicated ideas loosely associated with sobriety and Alcoholics Anonymous, but you know what? I am still tired from my trip. I am sitting on my sofa and I am thrilled to be waiting for two things on the television - the State of the Union address and American Idol. I live for this stuff. I will try to write that other stuff later. But not tonight.

I will go back to work tomorrow. I am very happy about that. I will get to a meeting on my way to work. I am very happy about that.

Tomorrow is a sponsee's birthday. I am happy about that. She, however, will be on her way to, of all places, Iowa. I told her I could recommend a great mechanic in Nebraska if she needed one. (ha ha)

I am just grateful, grateful, grateful to be home.

And to think that I thought that turning my will and my life over to the care of God would mean that I would have nothing! Thank God that I was desperate enough to be willing to have "nothing" in exchange for the misery I had as a drunk. This "nothing" is certainly wonderful!

The Picture of Kindness

Yesterday morning, I was so delighted to head out of Kearney, Nebraska. It was just a little above 10 degrees, but the sun was shining, the wind had died down, and it looked like smooth sailing home. I got two miles down the road and the car started acting weird, the "check engine" light came on, and I knew I had to pull over immediately. Amazingly enough, there happened to be a rest area on my right, and I pulled into it.

The last time I had a car break down on an interstate highway, it was 20 years ago, and I had to get out of the car and start walking to the next town because I did not have a cellular phone. There was no such thing back then! Yesterday, I sat in my car, looked up the number of my warranty company in my daytimer, called them and let them refer me to a local auto repair shop, who referred me to a towing company... etc. I went inside the rest area when I started shivering because it was COLD.

The caretaker of the rest area asked me if I needed a place to sit down and got me a chair (in the photo above). I was able to sit in the sunshine and wait for the tow truck. I was astounded by the kindness of such a simple gesture.

It is amazing to me how very different it is to be in a small town in Nebraska dealing with a tow truck driver, a mechanic, a rest area man, etc. I really feel that my car could not have broken down in a better place.

This is the second time since July that my car has needed to be towed away. I am nearing $2,000. put into the car in the last 3 months.... a not even 5 year old car with 60,000 miles on it. I think it is time to face the fact that it is a money pit and I need a new car. It was my dream car. I always wanted a Volkswagen Passat. So, in 2005, I bought a new one, and planned on just driving it until I was an old lady. I reasoned the car would last far past 100,000 miles. I think I reasoned falsely. The very nice mechanic in Kearney Nebraska agreed that it would be a good idea to get rid of the car. Darn it.

So, the trip took longer than expected. It took a LOT more money than expected. AND I didn't even go to the funeral.

But the sweetest feeling in the world is to walk back into my home after an absence. When I say "home" I don't mean just my little 1533 square feet of it, but I mean my State, my rolling plains, my mountains, my city, my suburbs, and the lovely feeling of my ears popping as I headed back up into the foothills. But the best of all is to lay my head on my own pillow and sleep. Which I am going to do a lot of today.

I like to think there is a reason for everything. I don't know what the reason for this ill-fated trip was. It seems I was not meant to be there. I know I didn't charge off all full of self-will, but it became apparent on the second day that I could not continue. I don't know.

I am grateful to be home. I know that.

If you want to do something top-secret...

Do it in Iowa! Yesterday morning, I checked the Weather Channel, AccuWeather, CNN, local news, etc. for weather reports for Iowa. They all reported intermittent "flurries" throughout the day. So I headed out for a long drive from Nebraska to Iowa. I drove six hours through Nebraska and then got 30 miles into Iowa and realized I could go no further. I stopped for information and discovered that the state had issued the warning "travel not recommended" for most of the state's highways. It was a blizzard and the blizzard was expected to continue until 9 p.m. There were trucks jackknifed everywhere. Cars in ditches. Accidents. Near white-out conditions.

After driving 600 miles, I turned around and started heading home. I stopped and called my sister -- her flight was canceled out of New York, so she wasn't able to get there either. It seems we were not meant to be at that funeral.

We spent a fair amount of time on the phone yesterday talking about my father's death - seventeen years ago. This is something that was so divisive in my family that we really don't talk about it. We talked and talked and talked and cried. And I have to think that is good. Sometimes ancient history rears its head and I am glad we can talk about it.

I am glad I am not going to the funeral of the woman who caused so much trouble in my family. I learned to love her. I learned to not have resentment and hatred. I had to do these things if I were to be sober and live in peace. But you know what? I don't have to risk my life to attend her funeral and I am not going to. I will keep her in my prayers. And I will hope that she is in peace. Sincerely. But I do not need to be there.

Thank God I can go home.

I am actually looking forward to the rest of the drive. No matter how long it takes. I think the wind has actually died down. I have been driving through gusts of up to 50 mph for the last 2 days. I am feeling kind of battered and tired. But I have great peace as I head home.... home.... home... I am gratefully heading home.

Back to the Road...

With my trusty blackberry by my side. I don't think I have ever been so grateful for an electronic device.

I have seldom ever not wanted to do anything quite as much as I don't want to hit the road today.

But tonight I will see my sister. By tomorrow evening the funeral will be over and I will be contemplating the drive home. Which will sound a lot better than the drive there. I think.

Please say a prayer for me.

Thank you so much.

xoxoxox

en route

I'm driving from Denver to eastern Iowa. This is not something anyone would ever want to do in late January. I guess it is something you do for a funeral.

Today it was so windy I was dodging tumbleweed all day and hoping not to dodge a huge truck as it blew over.

As it got dark, I decided that I really needed to stop and get a room and a big burger and watch some football. (and some wifi and my laptop)

I will hit it again tomorrow; I think I have about another 10 hours to drive. Of course, that estimate doesn't include snow. Which it is supposed to do tomorrow.

I so don't want to do this.

But it really doesn't matter if I want to or not. I will just keep putting one mile after another and do what I am supposed to be doing (I hope). I will see my sister tomorrow and that will be wonderful.

I really appreciate your nice thoughts today. They carried me through... really. Thank you.

The last time I was in Iowa was the day my father died. I have had many feelings that I had not expected. I sure do appreciate my cell phone and friends to call and who call me. I even had a friend who called me every time someone scored in the Colts / Jets game today. Yay for friends. And you. Thank you.

(And thank you Verizon, there really IS a map for that)

Death in the Family

Oh, it hits out of nowhere, doesn't it?

Like a sucker punch to the gut.

Don't worry about me, it is not one of my kids or anyone too terribly close.

But a relative.

And I need to go to Iowa.

And I don't know how right now.

This is hard.

Please don't pick on me anymore today.

The Cynic in Me

I went to a meeting this morning and saw a man raise his hand and say he was at his first AA meeting ever. After a while, he shared, because, he reasoned, we would all want to hear from the new man. He could have been a speaker at a great huge AA meeting. He honestly gave a brilliant narrative of the progression of the malady of alcoholism. He started with recalling a walk down a city sidewalk in 1955, at the side of his father, passing a barroom and smelling the beer and smoke and thinking it was the best thing he ever smelled. And the first drink later, and the later drinks, and the trouble, and the more trouble, and the trying to stop, etc. And he ended his beautiful, articulate share by saying "and my name is Dave, and I am an alcoholic."

The cynic in me had him pegged as some kind of phony before he clinched it with that closer. I managed to keep my mouth shut and not share my suspicions with anyone - that is SOME kind of progress. I wish I could progress all the way to not being suspicious of people's stories. I would rather be burned by people lying to me than always be thinking they are. But I have such a time honed b.s. meter. And this guy was full of it. Too much AA lingo. And that closing - which we don't even do here in Denver - they do it in other areas of the country, and a few people do it here, but not many. But I have not once ever heard a newcomer do it.

Even when I walked into the room, I noticed him. I thought of going over to introduce myself, but then someone else did, so I could just sit where I like and do what I wanted. Even then, I thought he was sizing up the room, were people welcoming him, etc. I hope we didn't let him down, truly I do hope we didn't. Because no matter what his story is, I am quite certain he is an alcoholic. No one can describe alcoholism the way he did without having lived it. Most people can't describe it that eloquently until they have been sober for a decade or two, because it takes that long for the fog to lift and the reality of the horror to become evident and real.

It reminded me of the time a few years ago when a man had started coming to our group. We had just lost a couple of members tragically. Our group was in collective grief and some of our members were in horrible personal tragedy. This guy comes along and says his wife and daughter were just killed in a car accident. I told my friend later that I thought that was a lie. She was horrified that I would sit in judgement of what someone said in an AA meeting as being true or false. I felt terrible about what an awful person I must be to have judged him. About a year later, we all found out that he never had a wife or daughter and there was no car accident. My friend asked me how I knew that... I don't know... he just sounded like he was full of s***. That's all.

So now I shall go and pray for this defect to be removed.

Trust

Lately I am realizing that it takes a certain level of trust to blog. It sounds very odd to say that because my audience is the internet - I have absolutely no control over who reads my blog. However, I do usually write to an intended audience. My intended audience is mostly my frequent readers - the other bloggers, my friends. But as I can see from my site meter, most of my readers are people who get here by searching for information about Alcoholics Anonymous or "how to quit drinking" or "do people stay sober" etc. I take that very seriously. I see my role as pointing them to their local Alcoholics Anonymous organization. I am happy if they can use my blog to read about the adventures and misadventures of one person who happens to be a member of AA. I think that no matter what is going on, no matter what I am writing about, my ultimate message is that a person can stay sober, one day at a time, by the Grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, AA works.

Anyone who has known me for a while probably knows that I really love my job. Most people my age are counting down the days until retirement like a prisoner "X"ing off days on their calendars. I am trying to relish each day, I do not want to retire. I want to work as long as I possibly can. The last 5 months have been horrible at work. I feel that emotionally I am really feeling the fallout from 5 months of too much stress, too much grief, too much pain. Compound that with the fact that it is January, which I typically have a hard time with, and I am not really at my best right now.

So, what do I blog about - I don't want this to be a "dump" of all things unpleasant because I believe I have a responsibility not to do that. But I also take seriously a responsibility to be honest and not sugar coat things. I will not lie and say I feel great and happy, serene, peaceful, and content while I am sitting at my computer tearing my hair out.

Let's just say that I am facing a challenging time right now. Most of the time I am just fine. I try to do what I know to do. The most effective weapon against despair is "turning my thoughts to others," so I make an effort every day to do that. I know that God has led me through darker places in my life and that even though I do not feel his presence, it is here. To go any further to explain that would lead me down a road of my beliefs that are very specific to my religion and I don't do that on my blog either!

We bloggers have a pretty nice community. We generally treat each other with affection, care, and respect. There are always new additions and I think probably like at the gym, there are more newer ones at this time of the year. New sober bloggers generally tend to fall into two groups - those who are looking for answers and those who think they have the answers. All I want to do is share my experience, strength, and hope. I do not want others to come by and tell me what to do. It really irritates me. And when I go to your blog, I hope to read about your experience, strength, and hope. If your blog is a general treatise about being sober, and quotes all kinds of non-AA literature to support your opinions, I probably won't be back. If you are honestly sharing your experience, strength, and hope, you will find your blog on my sidebar and I will be back most every day.

I appreciate the risk that we take every day to share ourselves. We do get attacked. We learn to live through it. I have learned so much from my blogging friends. I appreciate you, that is what I want to say.

And if you are new to blogging, keep coming back.

1605

This is the 1605th time I have sat down at my computer to post something on this blog. Sometimes I have been anxious to write about something in particular. Sometimes I have been happy to write something just to connect with my blogging friends. At other times I have just done it out of habit or commitment or something - but I do post every day.

Last night I just had not one thing to say. Oh, I could have complained about work. Or I could have told you how grateful I was for a good hairdresser and a lovely hair color and new cut. I could have written about American Idol because I love that show for some unfathomable reason. I could have written about a bunch of other things if people I know didn't read my blog.

This morning I was tempted to write about the fact that we in AA are living in the process or the hope of a spiritual experience - and then we try to quantify that. Believe me, no one likes to quantify things more than I, but this is something that cannot be reduced to formulas, recipes, or equations. But that is what most of us do. And every single time I write about this, which I have done more than once, it is misunderstood and then I wonder why I bother. Like a great AA speaker I heard once said "God created man in his image, and then we, unfortunately, returned the favor."

So, suffice it to say that it is a long dark January. My workplace is difficult. I am having some difficulty with a sponsee that puts me in a position where I am going to have to make a decision about the future of our relationship that I would rather not make.

I will now get on the treadmill and then "suit up and show up" for work. Hopefully today I will not have to retreat to my office to close the door and cry as I did yesterday. And to think that we all thought it would get better after the first of the year!

I have a deep and abiding faith that God has me just where I need to be and that I just need to have faith in that.

Being Sober and Happy

(this is obviously an old photo - it has my favorite tablecloth... )

I am tired tonight and thought of writing about how hard I have worked today but thought of how uninteresting that is to read. So, not having any better ideas, I went to my site meter and looked at the last search that brought a reader to my blog. It was "being sober and happy." What a nice topic.

If you were going to make a judgment on this based on information found on the internet I guess you would decide that people are pretty miserable once they quit drinking. That is not my experience. It is not my personal experience and it is not my experience of knowing lots and lots of sober alcoholics. Of course, sometimes it is the case that a sober alcoholic is a grumpy angry surly individual, but I always wonder what they were like before they got sober - and I think they are the exception not the rule.

When I got sober, I was so happy to be relieved of the prison of living with active alcoholism, I felt like a hot air balloon, set free from the earth. I was so delighted to live in this new way. I was so delighted to not worry about getting drunk, and what I would do once I drank too much. I was not worried about who I would run into or who I would call in a drunken need to tell someone what a jackass they were or how much I loved them.... maybe both things simultaneously. To wake up every single morning feeling good was something that took me years to get used to. Each spring I would hear the arrival of the birds and wonder how I had never noticed this in my entire life previous to getting sober. I felt like a new woman, and I was a happy woman.

This is not to say that I had no problems, because I had plenty. But I also had the ability to make reasonable decisions for the first time in my adult life and behave responsibly.

Maybe if you are not done drinking being sober is torture. But if you have been through the hell of alcoholism, being set free from that is a blessing that is indescribable.

Tonight after work I stopped at a birthday party for a friend from work. They were all drinking. I was not. I always limit my exposure at these events... the first hour and no more. And as usually happens, with the first drink, they get that lovely glow that is the reason people drink alcohol - it is pleasant. But then some people leave and some people continue to drink. And what usually happens is that I end up having more fun than anyone, and sooner or later some genius realizes that I am drinking a diet pepsi. Tonight there was a policeman present, and he told me I was having too much fun with my diet pepsi, that I should have some booze so that I could tone it down. ha! If he only knew. And then it was time to go, and I happily drove away. Not guiltily looking in my rearview mirror for anything.

Being sober and happy? Yeah. It is possible. It is good. Because AA works.

Tired of Seriousness

This is a wine bag I knitted - to donate to my biblical school. I was told to donate a bottle of wine and I refused - alcohol has caused enough damage in my life and the lives of others, I do not need to contribute one drop into this sea of misery. So I knitted a bag to fit around a bottle and placed a bottle of sparkling pear juice within... I shall donate it tonight. And I hate to be like this, but they better appreciate it. If it were a free-will offering, it would be different, but this is not my idea. The school costs enough that I am considering leaving it - to be asked to donate things on top of that makes me feel that I am in a place for wealthy people who might want to study the bible in their spare time. And that is not me.

This world seems so very grim right now. I can only handle so much. I had intended for this post to be light-hearted but I can see that I am failing at that - dismally.

For my long time readers, did you notice that my trusty table cloth is not present in the photo? That is because it got ruined the last time I had a large gathering at my house. A votive candle got knocked over and the dark green wax is all over the lace and I don't know how to get it out. It also got all over a jute rug under the table but a wonderful young man got down on his hands and knees and picked it all out.

I took a test this afternoon to be a census worker. Do you know that they are called "enumerators?" Cool. I got 100% on the test (and it was really hard!), so I have a feeling I will probably be offered a job. I thought I could do this part-time for a little while in addition to my full-time job. Do you know that many people applying for jobs as census workers cannot follow simple directions such as:

1. show up for the test at 1:40. The latest one showed up at 2:00 and was allowed in.

2. have two forms of ID - some didn't have it and wanted to argue about that.

3. complete the forms correctly the first time - only a small percentage were able to do that.

I am already tired and I have a class until 9 o'clock tonight. I get to go back to work tomorrow! YAY! Four days off is a long time and I am ready for some structure in my life. I get crabby and lazy when left to my own devices.

I am grateful that I am sober today. I am grateful that I have people in my life who will tell me when I am full of crap and way off track. I am grateful that I have a relationship with my higher power that makes huge demands on me. I am grateful to have a moral compass that might be the result of having been raised by parents who taught me those things... I don't know. But I am grateful for it.

And I am grateful for you. xxxooo, mc

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update 8:58 p.m.: They LOVED the bottle bag thing and now I feel like a jerk for saying what I did. And we got out of class early! woo hoo!

One Day at a Time

We are all staying sober, one day at a time. At least that is what we say. And then we quickly qualify it by adding just how many days / months / years / decades we have been sober. Don't get me wrong, I am a big believer in the value of sober experience. I am a big believer in the value of staying sober through thick and thin, year after year, no matter what.

Here's what I am not a big believer in: the danger of long term sobriety. Oh yes, I am sorry to tell you, there is danger in it. And like a lot of dangers, it is very seductive.

Lately I have noticed on my blog that people will come by and make disparaging remarks - always prefaced by "I have been sober for 19 years!" "I have been sober for nearly 23 years!" whatever amount of time. As if that length of time makes them right. It is the trump card, the end of every argument. I guess it works quite well with someone who is sober a couple of years. And I guess their reading comprehension is not really good, my header tells you my sobriety date. Playing their game, I guess I am right and they are wrong. But I don't play it that way.

I have heard the expression "the road gets narrower" and to me that means that the longer I stay sober the more I have to live by a prescribed set of spiritual principles. I cannot deviate from these. I will know right away when I do. I will be off the paved trail and on the rocky shoulder - ready to stumble and fall. I have heard others claim that "the road gets narrower" means that they need to judge others and only keep the most wonderful people in their life - to me it means the opposite.

So, here's the thing... I have been sober for 25 years. Oh, that's wonderful, you may say. And I would agree. It is a blessing. One I don't think I could have earned in a thousand lifetimes. I have a sponsor who will have been sober for 37 years on February 5. I can talk to her (now that her health has improved). Many people who have been sober for over 20 years no longer have sponsors. And they no longer have anyone who is willing to talk to them about how they are "really" doing. And not take their length of sobriety for an answer for how they are doing.

It is easy to believe that if I have gotten away with some aberrant behavior for the last 25 years that it just might be OK. But it might just be a matter of time before it is going to catch up to me, and with a vengeance.

We're all in this boat together. We ALL need to care about each other. Not just old timers caring about newcomers. But all of us watching out for each other.

A few years ago, I had a problem with a group and left it for a while. I talked with a member of the group and expressed my dismay that not one person from that group called me to see how I was. She was incredulous at the concept of someone calling someone who is sober over 20 years to see if they are OK. But why?

I guess I was fortunate when I got sober. I was around a bunch of people who didn't behave as if you reached a certain point in sobriety when you could no longer be questioned or worried about.

We are all in this together. We all are staying sober one day at a time. We do not get to a certain point when we are immune from needing to take care on a daily basis of this gift we have been so freely given.

When we rest on our laurels they get wrinkled.

My son called...

While I was at church tonight. And left a message, he has been notified that he has been deployed to Haiti. I am trying to be more altruistic about this. I told him to tell Uncle Sam that he can't go because his mom says he isn't allowed. If only. I am hopeful that a good night sleep will change my thinking. I know I should be happy that he is a wonderful young man who is capable of going to a place in such dire need and being actually able to help. I am grateful for that. But I am a mom and I am worried.

On Thursday I got yarn for a new project - to knit helmet liners for soldiers in Afghanistan. It is very cold there in the winter and a wool cap under a helmet is a welcome addition. And it doesn't hurt if it is hand knit. And I think it doesn't hurt if it is hand knit of a luscious wool yarn in the prettiest drab color you can find... see above.

The race today was awesome. 5 miles was definitely a stretch for me, but I beat my time for a race I did last year on the same course, so I am happy with that... and very sore. It was a lovely day for a run.

Oh, I just can't seem to get that knot out of my gut for this moment. I know I will because I lived through a year with my son in Iraq and I was not crazy most of that time. I just need to calm down and know that God is in charge and I am not.

He and his girlfriend (who is also in his unit and going to Haiti) are coming over for lunch tomorrow. Thanks be to God I can make a beautiful lunch for them.

I will never forget the meeting I attended a few years ago with a new woman in attendance. Her son had just returned from Iraq. She "celebrated" so much on the day of his return that she had a blackout and only knew that both her husband AND her son were no longer speaking to her. I cried while listening to her in the meeting because I don't know if I have ever heard a sadder thing in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Because of AA, and the fact that AA works, my son knows he can call me on Saturday and plan on seeing me on Sunday - and that I will be the same person on Sunday that he talked to on Saturday - AND that there will be a good meal cooked in the meantime. He doesn't even need to think about that, he just knows it.

What could be better than that?

Furlough Day

You know, if you asked me if I wanted to take days off without pay, I would have said "no." Definitely not. But every time I get one of these days off, I sure do enjoy it. It is really nice to have a day off that isn't a holiday.

I guess the word "chillax" was banned this year, but I think I might have "chillax"ed today. Well, aside from watching CNN all day long - which is pretty tough right now. And knitting a wine bag - because I refused to donate a bottle of wine to something I was recruited to donate to... and told I would donate a bottle of wine. I refused. I told them I would donate something to contribute to their wine basket, but it would not be a bottle of wine. They looked at me like I just escaped from Mars. Too bad. I asked a friend what on earth I could donate for a wine basket that wasn't wine, and she suggested I knit a wine bag - it is pretty darn cute. I bought a bottle of sparkling pear juice so that I could fit it. I will donate that too. (I don't even drink fake wine.)

Tomorrow I am running a 5 mile race. It should be a nice day for a run.

I am so grateful for a warm house with an intact roof in the middle of civilization - with things like police and hospitals. Suddenly my couple of financial problems don't seem so big. They seem pretty darn minor. Well, heck, they ARE pretty darn minor.

Life is good. God has been so very good to me.

AA works.

A Mother's Heart

Today I sat next to my daughter as she celebrated one year of sobriety. I don't know that my heart has ever been so full. We just got off the phone, she called to tell me how grateful she was that I came to the meeting and I tried to tell her how happy I was to be there. I could barely express it because I kept choking up with tears. She said that she was so glad that she was causing me tears of joy after all the years of all the tears of pain. Oh, I don't care about that anymore. It is gone.

I got to see some old friends which was great. It was wonderful to see the love they have for my daughter. It was wonderful to see that she is an integral part of that group. I am so grateful that she is there, because truly that is where she belongs.

But the thing that I never expected and caused me to cry when I first saw it was the young women. The women who are sober less than a year. The ones who were thanking my daughter for always being there for them. For always answering the phone. For the help she has been to them. I don't know why I wouldn't have expected that, but I just didn't. Here she is, celebrating a year, with a whole little group of women behind her to whom she has already been "passing it on". Wow.

My heart is so full. To think of the lives that we in Alcoholics Anonymous are entrusted with every day. Precious daughters, precious sons, precious husbands, precious wives.... what a grave responsibility and what happy stories sometimes result.

What a happy day in our family today.

And sadly, for the rest of our family, they don't even care. I tried to tell her twin sister the other day that her sister's year anniversary was coming up and she responded by "I'm not into that kind of thing." I told her "You're sure interested when things aren't going so well." End of conversation. Ok.

That is OK. For my daughter and I, we know. We know.

Easy way to text a donation to Red Cross for Haiti

Anyone with a mobile phone and an account with a major wireless carrier can text the phrase “Haiti” to the number 90999 and donate $10 to the Red Cross. That amount is charged to the donor’s cellphone bill. I thought perhaps this was a scam, but this website looked pretty official to me.