The departure of summer that is. I love fall the very best of all seasons, but there is always a sadness as I see summer passing. It is nearly 6 a.m., and it is still dark outside. I try to wait for sunrise to run because of animals. I live in an area that has lots of wildlife. I have seen coyotes, foxes, elk, deer, snakes, and of course, dogs on my runs in the neighborhood. My neighbor recently told me that she had a bear in her back yard a few years ago. I don't wish to run into a bear on a morning run. Run-ins with wildlife are more prevalent at dawn and dusk because their worlds and ours collide at that time.
The departure of me from my home group is not such sweet sorrow, but it is necessary. It hurts like hell. I went yesterday and the reasons why I must leave became abundantly clear. Although there were new women there and I got to talk with them after the meeting - and that is good... I desperately need to get something for my own recovery as well. I do not subscribe to the belief that after a while in sobriety we only go to meetings to "give back." I am just as alcoholic as I was on day 1, and I still need my very own recovery.
I called one of my friends yesterday and we discussed meetings. She is sober 25 years and has lived in this area only the last 2 years. She has tried many, many meetings and was able to tell me about some that I haven't visited. I will meet her at a meeting tomorrow night.
I also called my sponsor and really whined and complained. She suggested that I whine and complain to God about this. It was not cruel as it sounds. Just good sense. I have whined and complained to God and I am sure I will continue to do so. I also thank Him on a daily basis. (I never would have whined and complained to God before my extensive biblical studies, I have learned that people have begged and pleaded and God has relented, so I now am cultivating this skill!)
So, this will be a time of change for me. And I am sure there will come a day when I will understand how this was a good thing. But I am not quite there yet.
9 comments:
I admire your courage and strength during uneasy times. You give so much of yourself to others. I hope you find what you need during this new journey in your recovery. Jenn
As the seasons pass, Mary makes changes.
OH NO....Why did you tell me this??? Do you realize how much begging I am going to be doing now? Do you realize how much longer my morning prayer time will be now?
If God can be wore down - I AM UP FOR THAT CHALLANGE
I love the idea that God may relent with begging and pleading. I never would have looked at it like that...thanks.
I pray for my loved ones and all people suffering. Then the thanks come in. I figure He knows what is best for me. Everyone is different in how they pray. That is what makes us human!
I hope you find the bestest group in the world. They will be the blessed ones to have you there with them.
Fall is my favorite season too. It won't happen here until late October. It's still hot and humid here.
I imagine that departing your home group was hard. But you have good reasons for doing so and need what the group isn't offering. Dynamics change in groups. I know that you'll find one that is right for what you need and what you offer.
Parting IS such sweet sorrow--SOMETIMES. Other times it is pure AGONY. I know. Maybe we ALL know.
But I sure agree with your sponsor (who would not agree with her might face sudden death by axe? -grin-)
MC, it's been proven--recently-- that I too, "am just as alcoholic as I was on day 1, and still need my very own recovery." And I'm seeking that NOW, through this blog community, and by attending LOTS of meetings, before the 'playing' season begins anew...and I don't mean 'football'...or DO I? It's about CHANGE, Baybee!
Steve E,
MC, I forgot--does that slogan (which probably nobody remembers any more -BIG grin-) LET GO AND LET GOD...apply?
Hrummphhh!
No bears. Happy, joyous and free to explore other meetings. you go
Ghurl.
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