If you want to read about a woman who is staying sober, one day at a time in Alcoholics Anonymous, through the ups and downs of life, and trying to live by spiritual principles in a sometimes treacherous world, keep it right here. As someone said at the meeting where I celebrated 24 years of continuous sobriety "if you don't want to know what Mary thinks, don't ask her." I would extend that out to - if you don't want to read about what is going on with me, don't read this blog.
My life is not always a pretty little bowl of cherries. Most of the time it is. I am a person who is supporting myself through my own contributions. I don't have a husband, anyone else (including Uncle Sam) who is supporting me, or an inheritance. That means I work for a living. Every single day. I have a very challenging job. Sometimes it is more difficult than others. This is a difficult time. I also have a very full plate of other activities. Most of the time this does not feel burdensome, right now it does. I have a deadline that I pray I meet on Friday. After Friday things should be calmer.
I have begun to think that I need to either retire (which I cannot afford to do, and losing 1% of my 401k yesterday didn't help) or find another job. The challenging times at work have been getting a lot closer together. My ability to handle them seems to be growing thin. I am normally a person who is very very good at the big big challenges, not so good in the daily grind (I think this is an alcoholic trait). In June 2007, there were several events at work that have set off a cascade of regulatory scrutiny, I expected a year of it, but it continues, and there is no end in sight. The pressure is nearly unbearable. I can handle this sporadically, but not constantly for over a year...
Heeding the advice of my sponsor, I left my homegroup in August. If you don't know what the heartbreak of this is, keep coming back. That group was family to me. I have moved on and found another group, but this is a huge loss and I feel very sad about it.
I am also mourning the loss of AA as I know it. I look around and see very little evidence of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous as I thought it was. I see something entirely different. We used to care about each other. We used to actually know each other. We used to talk with each other. We used to care. We used to come to Alcoholics Anonymous voluntarily and be grateful to be there. We used to hit the doors of AA after all else failed. We used to be pretty washed up. Now we are nice clean shiny people who happened to have a little bit of a drinking problem... and now we take anti-depressants and we are nice happy people who go to an occasional meeting. And we sit there and expect to be entertained by the people sharing. I have heard people actually say that AA is cheap entertainment, where else could you get so much for a buck or two contribution? ha ha. Very funny. People's lives are on the line... I don't think it is funny.
I have written this instead of running this morning - and I think it was probably a bad decision.