I'm a Carnivore!

Yep, I ate that whole thing last night for dinner. It was dang good too!

I have a physical exam scheduled for Tuesday, so I have to go have my blood drawn this morning. Which, of course, means no coffee or anything this morning. I have a glass of ice water here, but it just isn't the same as a steaming hot cup of coffee. I will take my travel french press with me so that I can have a sip of coffee as soon as I leave the clinic. And we shall see what that steak did to my cholesterol and my triglycerides!

The Colorado State AA Convention is this weekend. I am hoping no family emergencies prevent me from attending. It would be nice to see who I run into there. I was also hoping to meet Karen B. from Denver. I will see what my family comes up with....

"We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 105

Trash Day

It is garbage pick-up day for my neighborhood. In the Denver metro area (with the exception of Denver proper), trash pick up is something you pay for. My trash removal company picks up on Weds. morning. I am not sure why, but bringing my trash cans out to the curb is something very meaningful to me. But here are some ideas - There is nothing I am ashamed of in the trash, an excess of bottles, cans, etc. I have actually paid my bill, so I am not inching my trash cans towards my neighbors' sidewalks in hopes that it looks like theirs instead of mine. And I actually remember to take my trash out on trash day!

It is just Wednesday. I have an average day planned at work. It is the day before payday, so I am not going out for lunch. I have spent all the money I had intended to spend this month - and more.

"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protetction and care. These were the new attitudes that finally brought many of us an inner strength and peace that could not be deeply shaken by the shortcomings of others or by any calamity not of our own making." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 116

43 miles and counting

You know you have gotten to the gym early when the sun is rising as you are leaving. That is good. I ran another 3 miles this morning, which brings my total mileage for August to 43 miles. If I really worked it, I could perhaps get 50 miles by the end of the month, but I doubt I can do that without a herculean effort, which I may not have in me.

I went to another new (to me) meeting last night. It is so thrilling to be able to visit these meetings. And this thanks to the State of Colorado banning smoking in public buildings. I hate to approve of this, but the effect on my life is really profoundly great. It was a 5:30 p.m. meeting at a club - the room was packed with people just getting off work. It reminded me so much of the meetings I went to when I was newly sober. That room was alive with sobriety, and it felt absolutely great to be there. There were new people there, and there were other folks with lots of time. I saw many familiar faces there. I am sure I will go back to that meeting often. It is on my way home from work, and it was absolutely wonderful for me to hit a meeting after work.

It is such a miracle to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I get to live each day just like the other folks out there who do not have this horrible, progressive, fatal, degrading disease.

"We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 83

Late August Morning

And it is 48 degrees outside. Who ever heard of that?! I am glad I am not running this morning, although once I warmed up, it would probably be quite nice.

I am glad to be going back to work this morning. I had three days off and nothing I was planning on actually happened. I had probably a bit too much time to myself to figure out exactly what is wrong with my life. Funny how time to myself never gets me thinking about what is great about my life.

"Though many theologians hold that sudden spiritual experiences amount to a special distinction, if not a divine appointment of some sort, I question this view. Every human being, no matter what his attributes for good or evil, is a part of the divine spriritual economy. Therefore, each of us has his place, and I cannot see that God intends to exalt one over another." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 168

Sunday

OK, I will just tell y'all. I am not feeling so hot today.

Last night instead of going to church as I usually do on Saturday night, I drove to Boulder to meet someone for coffee. It was pouring rain, and we walked the Pearl Street Mall, which sounds kind of moody and romantic, but it was wet and uncomfortable, and besides, I really dislike Boulder. So I got up and went to church this morning instead of my mainstay meeting - my home group, my peeps. If I had known how much I would miss my meeting, I would not have done it.

However, I went to a noon meeting - at the same place where I usually attend 6:30 a.m. meetings. I only knew one person in the room at the noon meeting. There was a new woman there. First meeting ever! How freaking cool is that! I had an experience which I really must share although it may be one of those things that can't be put into words.

The chair asked a guy with 3 days to read something from the big book. (In Denver we don't always read Chapter 5.) He picked a portion of "Bill's Story" - which I will quote part of below. When he got to the part about Ebby asking Bill to pick his own conception of God, I got chills all over and tears in my eyes. I realized that that simple question, that Ebby probably just pulled out of his ass, was the bedrock upon which AA was built!

Later in the meeting the new lady, brand new, never been to a meeting before, shared. She said that she knew we talked about God in AA and that is what kept her away. She said that she never even knew that she could chose her own conception of God and now she knew that she could be an AA member!!! Wow!

I am glad I went to that meeting. I got to talk to the new lady after the meeting and give her my phone number. I also met another woman with 4 and a half years of sobriety, we chatted for a while, which was nice.

I also ran 2 miles this morning - which brings my mileage for August to 40 miles! And I still have four more days!

And my daughter rode her new motorcycle over this morning. She is so cute. I know I probably shouldn't, but here is her picture. She has a light blue leather jacket. I just think she is so cute!

I tried to post a picture of myself here, but it didn't work (twice), so I will maintain my anonymity for one more day.

"My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?" That statement hit me hard. It melted the icey intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 12

Saturday Morning

My sponsee and I dropped by the farmer's market yesterday in our travels and we picked up some yummy fruit. And tomatoes. I had tomatoes, an avocado, and cheese for dinner last night, it was wonderful. Well, and of course, a peach for dessert (with a little cream, oh, and some nuts.) Now do you start to see why I have to burn so many calories?

My son called yesterday from Kuwait. It was so good to hear his voice. He sounds great. I am so glad I got to hear from him. I am also glad I decided to answer my cell phone, even though the caller ID said it was an unidentified call. Thank God I am not hiding out from anyone today.

It is raining and cold outside. I am actually considering turning on the heat in the house. It is freezing in here. I have had the windows open all night and it is only in the 50s. I went to the meeting at 6:30 and left the windows open, not realizing how freaking cold it is....But HEAT? in AUGUST? That is just plain crazy!

Sorry, this post is all over the place.

"Being convinced, we were at step three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do? The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 60

Helicopters in the sky

I drove to Broomfield, CO last night to pick up my ring. On the way, I noticed four helicopters hovering over the Jefferson County Airport, and quickly surmised that some guy would be arriving from LA on his way to Boulder County Jail. The traffic was awful! But my ring is beautiful!

I lived in Broomfield when I got sober back in '84, and although the area has changed/grown much, a shortcut I remembered from the 80s still worked. It was like a trip down memory lane/shortcut.

I took a day of vacation today. I am going to head out to the gym in a little while. I hope to run 4 miles this morning. I have managed to amass my record mileage this month (34 miles as of yesterday) and hope to put 40 miles on these feet by the end of August.

Later on this morning my sponsee is going to take me to the house she and her partner just fixed and flipped. She is having a hard time. I hope that it will be helpful to her to spend a couple of hours with her sponsor. She is a person who would rather call her sponsor when she is having a fabulous day. When things aren't going so well, she just keeps it to herself. I find it difficult to be patient with that kind of behavior in a person who is sober over 10 years. I saw her last night at a meeting and it took her over 15 minutes just to tell me what was going on. All that said, I just love her and I hate to see her in pain.

"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 98

One Drop of Sweat

I wish I had some software to put a circle around that drop of sweat in my hair. I thought it looked cool, hanging there, just waiting to drop off my hair and onto my shoulder.
I thought I would take a picture of myself running away from the camera, I took this same shot some time in December.

I had a nice 2.5 mile run this morning. I am running so late, I should be at work at 8:00 a.m., and here I am, at 7:30 a.m., dripping sweat, in my running clothes, sitting at my computer, posting pictures and writing. I better get on with my day.

I am off tomorrow! Yeah!

After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 103

Sleep

I slept for 9 and a half hours last night. It is wonderful to wake up when the sun is already up.

I talked to my sponsor for a long time last night. I am going to cancel my trip to the western slope this weekend because I need to be here for my family. My sponsor agreed that as much as we would have loved to get together, it is right for me to do this. I am going to have my granddaughters all day Saturday while some pretty intense things are going on. I am relieved that this is all coming to an end, but scared and worried too. I am grateful for my ex-husband and his wife (I used to call her my wife-in-law) for their intervention into a situation that baffled me.

"It is just as self-deceptive to discount what is good in us as to justify what is not. This is false humility, which is as hampering as arrogance! The purpose of examining our characters - with as much honesty and detachment as possible - is not to exaggerate guilt for what we lack, but to use the good to overcome the faults." -- One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p. 36

Tuesday Morning

My friend Sean has just started blogging, go over and say hi.

I am tired. I am not getting enough sleep. There is so much stuff going on with my daughter and family, I feel like I can deal with it in the daytime, but at about 3 o'clock every morning, my brain attacks me and I am filled with worry about my granddaughters and my daughter.

I am going back to bed now and will pray to get an hour's sleep. Then I will get up and run and get to work and get on with my day.

"Here we learned that trouble was really a fact of life for everybody -- a fact that had to be understood and dealt with. Surprisingly, we found that our troubles could, under God's grace, be converted into unimagined blessings." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 110

Monday Morning

I talked to my friend Sean for a long time last night. His Mom died yesterday. We were able to talk about how grateful we both were for being sober and being able to "be there" for our parents as they were dying. Once again, I am so grateful for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and for my friends like Sean.

I have often (but probably not recently) said that if all I got out of my sobriety was being able to be with my dad in his last months, it would all have been worth it. Of course, I have gotten a lot more than that, but I still stand by that comment. To be able to be a functioning part of a family, to be someone people can count on, that is a gift from God.

I just got back from the gym. I managed to run 3 miles again this morning. It is good to be able to do that. If I can stop sweating now, I can get showered and ready for work.

"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on thee firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 102

Sunday Morning Fellowship

Just got home from the Sunday Morning meeting of my home group. My friend Merle celebrated 28 years of sobriety. It was a wonderful meeting for me. It is so reassuring to see my old friends. Guys in their 50s who I have known since they were in their late 20s. Makes it feel like I have known them a lot longer than 22 years, but 22 years is a chunk of someone's life. Beyond the gray hair and wrinkles are many lifetimes of experience of people who just keep coming back, doing the next right thing, and no matter what - we don't pick up a drink in between meetings.

This morning before I left for the meeting, I tucked my old engagement ring into the front pocket of my jeans. It is the engagement ring I got when I was 23 and about to marry the father of my children. I loved that ring, but lost the diamond out of it - oh, about 26 years ago. I intended to replace the diamond, but never did. After we were divorced, I intended to get a colored stone in the place of the diamond, but never did. I have been talking to my friend the Jeweller about this since he got sober in 1990. This morning, I actually handed him the ring and asked him what he thought would look nice in it. He thinks a sapphire would be wonderful and I asked him to do it. Sheepishly asking "how much?" He said he would give it to me because he hasn't done anything nice for anyone for a while. Holy cow! How cool is that! I will pick it up on Thursday night after work.

We all went out for breakfast afterwards. I refrained from indulging in my usual - fried bologna, eggs, and green chile. I am sure anyone can imagine why a person would chose not to eat this - it has something to do with gastric distress.

Do I have a point today? Yes, I do. My friend John was talking about when he celebrated 90 days and Merle had told him that he "envied his journey". John could not believe that this guy with 20+ years of sobriety could ENVY someone living at the Salvation Army with only the clothes on his back, etc. But he said today that he understands. How every step of the journey is beautiful and memorable and wonderful. And such a huge part of the beauty is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I know we are pains in the ass much of the time, but we have the most incredible quality of fellowship.

"For, to these people, I am truly related. First, through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and new-found faith and hope. And, as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding and love-without strings, without obligation-we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 312"

This is where...

Mary Christine went over the handlebars of her bike and flew into the ground, breaking a rib.... one year ago today. And I still have no clue what caused that to happen. The only plausible explanation is that I slammed on the brakes for no reason whatsoever. Because my bike just came to a screaching halt and I went flying. Mysterious....

I got back on my bike and rode it 2 miles uphill to get home. I thought about calling a neighbor to come and get me, but I didn't want to overreact. I did get a neighbor to drive me to the doctor later in the day, he diagnosed the broken rib, and sent me home with motrin and vicodin. Yuck. A month, and then two, and then three passed and I was virtually unable to exercise, which if you have read my blog for a while, you know is key for my mental and physical health. I gained weight and felt terrible and old.

But that was then and THIS IS NOW! This morning I ran 4 miles. 4 miles. Holy Moley! in 39:42. I am so happy about that. And on my new Nike + iPod thing, when I was done with my run, LANCE ARMSTRONG was on my iPod telling me "Congratulations, that was your longest run so far!" I LOVE Lance Armstrong. That was so cool!

It is a cool day, only in the 60s, it is rainy and wonderful outside. I took my sweaty self to the store after the gym, and got makings for chili. It is cooking now, and there is a Broncos game on later tonight. It is a good day. Someone asked me to go out for dinner tonight, a "date" type thing, and I put it off until Monday because I need some down-time so bad. This is a good down-time day!

Happy Saturday everyone. Sorry to be so long-winded.

"As you pause to worship, God will help you to raise your humanity to His divinity." -- Twenty-Four Hours a Day, Meditation for the Day, August 19.

Friday Morning

I got to witness a beautiful sunrise this morning as I was running. Can there be a better way to start a day? I need to get going and get out of here and start another day. I am looking foward to the weekend. I want to clean my house - my sister is coming to visit me in late September and my house needs a good cleaning.

I decided to go visit my sponsor next weekend. I am looking forward to that. My decision got made for me on Weds. Morning as I was giving the presentation on which I had labored so diligently. It was well-received, and I was asked to present it again to a larger group on Monday morning (which meant that I can't take Monday off, making my decision for me.)

Last night at my Thursday night meeting one of my favorite people announced that he and his wife are moving to the same town on the Western Slope that my sponsor and her husband moved to! Geez.

"...If anyone talks of me so as to hurt, I first ask myself if there is any truth at all in what they say. If there is none, I try to remember that I too have had my periods of speaking bitterly of others; that hurtful gossip is but a symptom of our remaining emotional illness; and consequently that I must never be angry at the unreasonableness of sick people." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 268

What it takes...

To keep me running. And to think they say all it takes is a good pair of shoes! I keep buying more and more paraphernalia. Yesterday I bought this super cool Nike + iPod thing to track my runs. There is a little chip that goes in your shoe, and a little receiver that goes in your iPod and then it tracks your time, your mileage, you pace, calories burned etc. AND you get to listen to your favorite tunes all at the same time!

I hope this doesn't sound too incredibly vain, but I passed a mirror at the gym today and had to smile. Now don't get the idea I think I am any raving beauty as I approach my 55th birthday, but I smiled at my reflection none the less. Here I am, a woman who drank daily for 18 years, smoked 2 packs a day for 25 years, got up to over 200 lbs. not very long ago, I have 3 fused discs and 2 titanium rods in my neck, I have arthritis all throughout my spine - and when I passed that mirror, I realized that I look like a fit, healthy, human being. (and I am running 3 miles on a regular basis!) How cool is that!!!

Life is incredibly good. No matter what, as long as we are sober, life is good.

Thank you all you bloggers for what you add to my sobriety. It is a lot!

Presentation today

I worked for 10 hours yesterday and still didn't get my presentation done. I will get in to my office early today and have until 9:00 to get it done. I have no doubt I will get it done, but I wish I had started it earlier. But at the age of 54, it is highly unlikely that I will change this particular M.O. since it has served me so well in my life.

It feels like autumn is in the air already. Fall is my favorite season, but I have to admit that I feel sad that this summer is already almost over. I only had my trip to Savannah for a vacation, and that wasn't nearly restorative enough.

I am debating whether to go see my sponsor this weekend. There is a Peach Festival she and her husband are committed to attend on Friday. I am so freaking tired that the idea of walking around a Peach Festival sounds like torture and I don't want to go. Then there are several options of what I can do instead.... like drive over on Saturday morning instead of Friday. Or go next weekend. I don't know why this seems like rocket science right now.

"Treatment of our condition, as the American Medical Association has noted, 'primarily involves not taking a drink.' Our experience reinforces that prescription for therapy." -- Living Sober, p. 32

I'm me again.

Really. I feel back to being cheerful and looking forward to the day. Yesterday was wonderful. I ran 3 miles on the treadmill in the morning, in my best time ever. I was ecstatic when I left the gym.

After work, I took a 12 mile bike ride in a lovely river canyon with a friend from work. It was hard! I was tired! But it was great. There was crazy weather all around, but we really lucked out and the rain didn't get us until we were heading back into the parking lot.

Today I have a massive amount of work to get done. I have a presentation to make tomorrow at 9:00 and I have not yet written it. I always wait until the last minute, but this is a presentation of a year's worth of data, with graphs, charts, text, rationale, etc.... I may have to put in a long day today.

I better get going. I need to get to church this morning by 6:30. Yikes.

"Let us reemphasize that this reluctance to fight one another or anybody else is not counted as some special virtue which makes us feel superior to other people. Nor does it mean that the memebers of Alcoholics Anonymous, now restored as citizens of the world, are going to back away from their individual responsibilities to act as they see the right upon issues of our time. But when it comes to AA as a whole, that's quite a different matter. In this respect, we do not enter into public controversy, because we know that our Society will perish if it does." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 177

My little girls!

Aren't they cute? If this picture wasn't already publicly on the race photo site, I wouldn't post it here, but what the heck - it is so public. And they are both pleased about it. I bought them the pink bandannas with skulls on them for the race!

The group picnic was really really nice yesterday. I got to talk to a new lady for a long time which was wonderful. I also got to catch up with some old friends. It is a luxury to have time to just sit and eat and talk.

I am going to the gym this morning and I am going to run 3 miles. (I ran 3 miles in 30:53, my best time ever!!!!) Tonight after work, weather permitting, I am taking a bike ride up Waterton Canyon with my friend the rec therapist. She is a nice person and I really enjoy her company.

Here is something I used to hear and I probably can't recall exactly the way it goes, but something like this: You can't think your way into right living, but you can live your way into right thinking.

"We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 75

Picnic Today

Thanks for the nice comments yesterday. I do feel better. I went to my neighbor's wedding last night and it was very nice. I was seated next to a woman who is a former instructor of mine at the University. She is also a neighbor. I had fun and even danced. When they started playing slow songs I got the heck out of there. Keeping that smile on my face was proving to be a challenge, so I went to an AA meeting instead!

After posting what I posted yesterday and crying for a while, I decided to get a manicure and pedicure. While sitting in the massaging pedicure chair, my phone rang. I answered it for some reason, and it was my former boyfriend, the drunken cowboy. I asked him if I could call him back and he said he wouldn't be available. It didn't take long to realize something was different. He was in Wyoming - at the bus station - waiting for a cab to take him to the VA hospital. Oh Praise God!!!!! He said he had lost everything and was asking for my prayers as he enters an alcohol treatment program. He sounds beat up like I have never heard him sound beat up before. When I met him, he was a resident at the Salvation Army and didn't sound as beat up as he did yesterday. If you have a minute, see this post which gives a brief history of my beloved drunken cowboy. And again, I will ask for your prayers for all of us. I just pray he can get sober and stay sober. He is such a wonderful man, one of the kindest, most loving people I have ever known - and one of the worst drunks I have seen in my life.

During the conversation with him, I think I was only barely aware that I was getting a pedicure! I apologized to the woman, she was sweet and was obviously concerned about what ever was going on. It took me a while to stop the tears. Sheesh. Bad cell phone manners!

Today I get to go to the annual picnic for the Sunrise Serenity Group. It is at a pool, it should be fun. I am really looking forward to spending some quality social time with other sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous.

"You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 153

Lazy Saturday Morning

Well, this is the last day I can blame my lethargy on "post-race" let down. Hopefully it will be gone tomorrow and I can get back to my usual energetic self.

Today I am going to my neighbor's wedding - well, post-wedding reception. She and her new hubby went to Hawaii to get married in July and are having a reception today. I am happy for her, but sad for me because we are pretty good friends and she will now be moving away.

It has been a time of loss for me. I might as well share this even though I feel reticent to... "Mr. Sweetie Man" is no longer in my life. I am so sad to write that. I don't want to say anything negative about him because he is truly a sweetheart. But let me just say that every single time I try to date a "normie", I end up doing 12th step work. It breaks my heart. He is a wonderful man and I am praying for him every single day. I don't think he was drinking in the first month or so that we were seeing each other (I had no idea he even had a problem), but he has been totally off the deep end for maybe the last month. I pray that the emotional trauma of a new relationship is not what pushed him back into the bottle. I am not going to talk about this anymore. I feel disloyal to him, and maybe even to myself. This has been very very difficult. Please pray for him - and yourself and every other alcoholic. This is such a tragic horrible disease it just breaks my heart.

I am planning a trip to the Western Slope to see my sponsor next weekend. I know I need to spend some time with her and I think I need to get away from here. I have kept very close to her through all of this.

Sorry to be so not cheerful. I am hurting. I know I will be OK as long as I stay close to AA and my higher power. I really wish I still had the race to focus on though....

"We recovered alcoholics are not so much brothers in virtue as we are brothers in our defects, and in our common strivings to overcome them." --As Bill Sees It, p. 167

I get to watch a Broncos game tonight.

Here are some Broncos at training camp. I wanted to find an action shot, but before the season starts, it is hard. I love to watch my Broncos play football. This is what I can do tonight. Watch football. Good Stuff.

Last night I saw S. at the meeting again. S. looks another ten years older than last week, in fact, I swear he is shorter than he was. I am 5'7" and S. was shorter than me last night. S. said in the meeting that he was NOT willing to go to any length to stay sober. Fucking Fantastic. I am sick of attending funerals.

There are pink clouds in the sky now and I need to get out there for a run while it is still pretty and cool.

"Be swift to hear, slow to speak,
slow to wrath, for the wrath of man
worketh not the righteousness of God."
-- One Day at a Time in Alanon, p. 223

I'm Tired!

I didn't want to get up this morning, but I did anyway. I will get on with the day and the week. I think I need to remember that the week after a huge race is just hard. I have been so focused on the race, and indeed, it was wonderful, but now what?

I went shopping at lunch yesterday and purchased a new outfit to wear to my neighbor's wedding on Saturday. That was an easy and temporary lift to my spirits. But, as with most things that are material and not spiritual in nature, it did not last.

I need to get ready for work and just get on with it. Thank God for the AA way of life. I learned early on that it really doesn't matter how I feel, what matters is what I do.

"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3

Out of Sorts

I told my sponsor I was "out of sorts" last night. She said she had a bag of "licorice all sorts" and I was welcome to some. ha ha. I love licorice all sorts, and would eat the whole bag if I it were in front of me. But as it is, my sponsor is on the Western Slope of Colorado, and here I am, on the Front Range.

I went to a meeting I don't normally go to last night. It is funny, you get to see faces that have ceased showing up at your other meetings. In one case, I got to see a man who looks and acts just like a newcomer, but I knew back in the early 90s in my old home group. I have seen him a lot lately. He has never acknowledged that he remembers me, but then I haven't acknowledged remembering him either. I have always thought he was a scary guy. He doesn't talk about drinking or recovery, just wacky, frightening shit.

I need to get out and run and get to work. I feel utterly uninspired. I recall that after the last 2 triathlons, the week after the race has been hard. Anti-climax, tired, spent physically, and no immediate goal to focus on.

"Personally, I take the attitude that I intend never to drink again. This is somewhat different from saying, 'I will never drink again.' The latter attitude sometimes gets people in trouble because it is an undertaking on a personal basis to do what we alcoholics never could do. It is too much an act of will and leaves too little room for the idea that God will release us from the drink obsession provided we follow the AA program." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 16

30 years ago today...

My son was born. At 8:31 a.m., weighing 8 lbs. 8 oz., 22 inches long. He had red hair and red eyelashes - which caused some raised brown eyebrows of my husband. Later he would meet some red-haired relatives of mine and understand. But my boy looked just like his daddy anyway, so there was never any doubt about his paternity. His hair later turned almost white/blonde. Today he is on a ship on his way to Iraq. I am proud of my son. I just wish I could talk to him to wish him a happy birthday. He was in Korea for his 20th and I didn't get to talk to him on that day either. This year we did celebrate this birthday in July when he was here.

I have got the after-race anti-climatic stuff going on. I guess I will get out for a run this morning. But I feel no great need to. There is no urgency about it. Knowing myself as I do, I am sure I will find a new challenge so that there will be some urgency to work this old body relentlessly.

"Only Step One, where we made the 100 per cent admission that we were powerless over alcohol, can be practiced with absolute perfection. The remaining eleven steps state perfect ideals. They are goals toward which we look, and the measuring sticks by which we estimate our progress." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 68

Tri and Tri again

The bikes are loaded up and ready to go - at 4:00 a.m. (my son's truck)

It was still dark when we got to the race site. This is my bike, situated on the bike rack - ready for the race.

I am very pleased with the race. Both of my daughters finished. They are awesome. They both had pink bandanas with skulls on them! People would say to them - you look like twins - and they would say "we are!". They don't look one thing alike, but they indeed are twins.

I am also pleased because I gave this race everything I had. My time was 3 minutes, 30 seconds longer than I had hoped, but I really gave it my all. (My goal was to finish in under 2 hours.) I really swam the entire time - free style. I really pushed it on the bike. And I ran the entire 3.1 miles. I just was slower than I would have liked. I could definitely shave some time off my transition times... that accounts for over 10 minutes right there.

When I finished, there were some AA folks at the finish line and they yelled out my name. I can't tell you how good that felt! They were there with another participant, but it was great to be supported like that. And I got to see my other friend as she finished. Lots of sweaty hugs and high fives.

We all went out for lunch after the race at a favorite Japanese place. I have taken the girls there since they were children. That is where they learned to use chopsticks. It was fun. We were dressed all in pink, and had numbers on our arms and legs - it was fun to respond when people asked us what we had been doing. It feels really really good to say "We just finished a triathlon!"

I am totally wiped out now. I had hoped to sleep the afternoon away, but only slept for a half hour. I have a headache, not sure if it is from dehydration or lack of caffeine. So I am drinking Diet Dr. Pepper - the nectar of the gods. And the First Pre-Season FOOTBALL game of the year will be on at 6:00 MDT!!!! Yippppeee!

Thanks for all your well-wishes. I really appreciate it.

"We beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil - until we let go absolutely." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58

Day before the Triathlon

I am heading out to a 6:30 meeting (Sunrise Serenity in Lakewood) and then will meet up with my daughters to get our race packets. I am so excited about the race. We will spend most of today just getting everything ready. I jacked up my back somehow on Wednesday, but managed to run 2 miles in my best time ever yesterday anyway. Today I might take a slow bike ride, a slow swim, or even a walk. I will get moving in some way, but not in any hugely taxing way. Hopefully by tomorrow my back will be better. I don't think the pain will interfere with my "performance" in the race even if it doesn't go away.

Carla B. (Lush for Life) was going to be in Denver, I was hoping we could get together for a meeting this morning, but it looks like we have missed each other.

"God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

Breaking hearts

View from my Thursday night meeting... and while I was taking a picture of this, someone pointed out the rainbow...

And while I was taking a picture of the rainbow, my friend S. walked up and hugged me. I asked him where he has been and he said "out". I couldn't believe it! "Out?" I asked him. "Out?" "Out drinking?" and he said yes.

And I realized that he didn't look all spiffy the way he usually does. And he usually smells like cologne, but he smelled more like gasoline last night. And I asked him how on earth it happened. He had 5 and a half years of sobriety! It sounds like he is a case of someone who was basically "struck drunk". Seemingly out of nowhere, he just picked up a bottle of Jim Beam and drank some. (This is why I do not have booze in my house and will not allow it in my house, not for anyone.) And now a man who was a really sharp dresser, really fit man, really stylin' guy, is looking rough, looking his age... or older. We stood outside for a long time and talked. On a beautiful summer evening, he was shivering. His lip was quivering. And I hate to say this, but I got the feeling I was talking to a dead man. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. Then he drove away in his brand new Mercedes Benz and I thought he would be better off on the friggin' bus. Please say a prayer for him - and me, and yourself. This is the scariest damn disease.

The big book tells us what to do. We can chose to ignore it at our own peril.

Okay, I need to shut up.

"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 76

nano nano

That's me waving "hi" to all of you.

I am not going to run/bike/or swim this morning even though I had a bike ride planned. I am tired and I think I need to honor my poor old body. My triathlon is on Sunday. I am so excited about it.

If you have a second, go over and visit Greg, he is a new blogger.

"The slogan 'Easy Does It' is one way we AAs remind each other that many of us have tendencies at times to overdo things, to rush heedlessly along, impatient with anything that slows us down. We find it hard to relax and savor life." -- Living Sober, p. 45

08/02/2006

It cooled off last night. It is a glorious morning. I just bought a new i-pod and wanted to use it so I went to the gym for a nice 3 mile run on the treadmill. If not for the new i-pod, I would have run outdoors which would have been lovely too. However, I really enjoyed my new i-pod and the run. (I don't use an i-pod outdoors because I believe it is a safety issue.)

Some mornings I wake up and can't believe how good life is. This is one of those mornings. I am 54 years old. I have been sober for 22 years. I am in amazingly good health for one who abused her body so severely for so many years (boozing, assorted other things like huffing in my youth, smoking 2 packs a day for 25 years, etc.). I have a lovely home in a lovely place. I have a job that I don't always love, but I have been there for 12 years, am working towards a great retirement, and I work with a lot of folks I really love. I am in the middle of a project that I am excited about. I have relative autonomy in my job, which I really like.

I have three children who have grown into people I not only love, but I really like. I respect all three of them. They are good people. Wow. What more could you ask than that? They are not perfect, but who is? I have two beautiful granddaughters who squeal with delight when they see me, run and throw their whole selfs into me. Is there anything better than that?

I could go on and on, really, I could write all day about this. But I have to get to above mentioned job.

I better mention that I am so incredibly grateful for you sober bloggers. I love you, your blogs, your comments on mine, and what you have added to my sobriety. THANKS!

"Most of us feel we need look no further for Utopia. We have it with us right here and now. Each day my friend's simple talk in our kitchen multiplies itself in a widening circle of peace on earth and good will to men." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 16

Tuesday Morning

This is the picture of the Blue Star Banner (in the window) I talked about yesterday. The blue star denotes a family member serving in a war. It is a custom that was started in World War I. It is not so widely in use now, but I find something very pleasing about it. I think it honors my son.

I need to get out of here and get a 12 mile bike ride in - and still get to work at least somewhat on time. I am feeling uninspired today. I turned off the AC in the middle of the night because I find something disconcerting about waking up in a still quiet house. So I opened the windows and listened to the crickets until I fell back to sleep - which took hours. Then the 19 year old kid next door came home minutes later, at 3:23 - pulled up at the end of my driveway, which isn't far from my bedroom window - with rap music blasting and sat in the car for probably 5 minutes listening to the music. I stood at my bedroom window and unfortunately I didn't handle my anger as I would have liked. I used the tool which always seems to be the easiest to find, but is least effective - sarcasm. "Thanks for waking me up AGAIN." I really wish I hadn't done that.

"Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 92