Today I have a huge thing to do at work. There was a time when this type of activity would cause me excitement mixed with a bit of anxiety. Lately, these types of things cause me no excitement, but a lot of anxiety. Which means that it is probably time for a change at work. Fortunately and unfortunately, I am imprisoned by the "golden handcuffs" of an extremely good retirement plan coupled with an investment of time - so I am not likely to leave my current employer. But! Someone may retire within the next year, someone who took a job I had years ago, and I may just go back to what I used to do. There are no high anxiety days like today on the agenda for that job. I believe I could negotiate in such a way that I would take no cut in pay... just a huge cut in stress.
I have my "dream" job now. But after 7 years, I am tired of it. It was not exactly what I thought it would be. Isn't that the way it usually works? I have given up on the big promotion I thought I would get some day. In the last year I have gotten comfortable with that. I am ready to move back downstairs, literally as well as figuratively, and humbly work through the remainder of my career.
Sorry, I am sure this isn't exactly thrilling reading. But it is something that has been hugely on my mind in the last year, and particularly the last 6 months.
I am a person who was always a "victim" when I was living with active alcoholism. When I got sober I realized that I had put myself into situations in which I played that role. I realized that I did not have to live that way, that I had choices in life. It is important for me to keep that realization. So many people where I work feel that they are victims of all sorts of things. They feel trapped because of the "golden handcuffs" - which is their choice. As it is mine. I realized after the weekend that this is the reason for my nightmares - I was feeling trapped in an extremely unpleasant situation.
I know that God is "large and in charge," and that if I will just keep doing "the next right thing" and be true to myself and my fellows, I will be OK. It just doesn't feel really great right now. And that is OK.