I did something today I have never done before. As I do each Wednesday morning, I sat with this young woman I sponsor. She is working on the 4th column of her 4th step. She is not getting it. She has been in and around AA for the last 8 or 9 years. She has been sober this time for about a year and a half. She has done the steps more than once. She is profoundly discouraged. I don't blame her. I told her that we would sit down together and get her fourth column done.
It is not about blaming yourself for things you didn't do. It is not about saying you were selfish when you didn't want your mother to abuse you. It is not about claiming responsibility for world events when you are a receptionist. It is about reality. It is about finding out what your role is in your life and then realizing you can change that. It isn't about "accepting" crappy behavior, and it is especially not about "forgiving" other people. It is about cleaning up your own side of the street and keeping it squeaky clean. So that YOU can stay sober. Not anyone else.... Just YOU! And if you are keeping your own side of the street clean, you haven't got much time or energy left over to figure out what is wrong with the other side of the street.
That's my soap box for tonight. Now I must go to sleep!