Even though you have shown me time after time that this isn't a safe or appropriate place to share my inner thoughts - I continue to do it. I guess I am tough enough to pour my thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears out here and have you all critique them. Not that you all do that, most of you are lovely people who share the back and forth, the give and take, of friendship - online or face to face. But there are some who like to come by and call me names (I delete these) and tell me what I ought to do - based on their 30 days of experience with sobriety.
So, this morning I have been awake since 3:30. I woke up with my heart pounding after another nightmare about my ex-husband. I have been having these nearly every night for the last 3 weeks. My ex-husband tried to kill me and indeed broke many of my bones, chipped two of my teeth, estranged me from my children, etc..... But we have been divorced for 15 years!!! 15 Years. Last night I dreamed that he took my ticket to Alaska - when I was at the airport. I was able to get a replacement ticket, but by the time I got back to the gate, the plane had left. I think this dream might be symbolic of the way I feel about his impact on my life.
I wrote inventory on this relationship and the other associated relationships affected by the marriage last summer. I 5th stepped it with my sponsor. I did the rest of the so-called "work"... several times on this. I know that there have been other things in my life that I have just resolved to call "my cross to bear," maybe this is another.
I think I am having these nightmares because I have a horrendous situation at work that has now gone on for 6 months... I have a couple of other situations... and add these all up and I have anxiety.
I am out of time to write this now. I must get to the 6:30 meeting. I am happy to have a place to go - where I really want to be. Thank God.
And thank you, all my friends, for reading this and then not pouncing on me in my vulnerability.