Saturday, May 03, 2008

Saturday Morning

Hi Everyone,

Even though you have shown me time after time that this isn't a safe or appropriate place to share my inner thoughts - I continue to do it.  I guess I am tough enough to pour my thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears out here and have you all critique them.  Not that you all do that, most of you are lovely people who share the back and forth, the give and take, of friendship - online or face to face.  But there are some who like to come by and call me names (I delete these) and tell me what I ought to do - based on their 30 days of experience with sobriety.

So, this morning I have been awake since 3:30.  I woke up with my heart pounding after another nightmare about my ex-husband.  I have been having these nearly every night for the last 3 weeks.  My ex-husband tried to kill me and indeed broke many of my bones, chipped two of my teeth, estranged me from my children, etc.....  But we have been divorced for 15 years!!!  15 Years.  Last night I dreamed that he took my ticket to Alaska - when I was at the airport. I was able to get a replacement ticket, but by the time I got back to the gate, the plane had left.  I think this dream might be symbolic of the way I feel about his impact on my life.  

I wrote inventory on this relationship and the other associated relationships affected by the marriage last summer.  I 5th stepped it with my sponsor.  I did the rest of the so-called "work"... several times on this.  I know that there have been other things in my life that I have just resolved to call "my cross to bear," maybe this is another.

I  think I am having these nightmares because I have a horrendous situation at work that has now gone on for 6 months... I have a couple of other situations... and add these all up and I have anxiety.  

I am out of time to write this now.  I must get to the 6:30 meeting. I am happy to have a place to go - where I really want to be.  Thank God.

And thank you, all my friends, for reading this and then not pouncing on me in my vulnerability.

Love,
MC

9 comments:

Scott W said...

How 'bout a hug instead? {{{MC}}}

Dreams like that are mysterious. I would venture to say it reflects your feelings of not having control of some areas of your life. When I was drinking I constantly dreamt I had just moved to a new place and that it was filthy, had endless rooms through which I could not find my way back to Chester. I was out of control. When I ceased to drink those dreams left.

dAAve said...

You're a braver woman than I.
Now, you can have a wonderful and peaceful weekend.

Pam said...

please send me the names and addresses of people that are being mean to you....I do not understand this...at all.
I go thru periods of bad dreams about my ex also. It usually comes when I'm in a situation...where I feel trapped, like I have no options.
Wishing you a good saturday little lemon tart.

Mary L A said...

Love to you Mary Christine because some of us have been in the same kind of place and know it takes as long as it takes to get over the trauma.

You're doing fine. Take a deep breath and know you are loved.

Zane-nawwaa said...

Thanks so much for putting yourself out there. When I delete a message, It's like I'm saying I have POWER over you, out of my life you go, for today. I understand the dreams, trauma of the type you experienced lurks in the shadows. Mine was 51 years ago this May 8, but thru therapy, I work through it. You are good to yourself, so you will be ok my sober little marathon running Alaska bound friend.

Bill said...

Dang! I was all poised to pounce! Like Hobbes on Calvin after school.

I'm with Pam. She & I can buddy-up and make your unkind commenters cry bitter tears.

So you just keep on blogging with your refreshing honesty.

Scott said...

big, giant, warm, friendly, AA, heart to heart hugs from Ohio!

I hope and pray that these nightmares stop soon...

I guess I would be inclined to agree with you MC, probably something to do with stress....

Kathy Lynne said...

I like that you continue to do it....gives me hope.

Syd said...

I've had post traumatic stress dreams for years. I would relive the horrors of the drinking years with my SO. And there would be dead people in my dreams too. I thought that we weren't supposed to dream about deceased people but they were in the dreams. I now take an antianxiety medication (very small dose) that helps me sleep right through the night.