In Trouble

I got lost in my own town tonight. I drove and drove and drove. I used the directions on my iPod which were total nonsense. I called my daughter and I thought she was nuts and hung up. I stopped at a 7-11 and asked for directions and got something that I thought might make sense. I finally called my daughter back and "let" her talk me through each step of the process. I was 20 minutes late to my sponsee's daughter's wedding. I had been driving for almost an hour - for what should have been a short drive. And I felt like I was 100 years old and incompetent by the time I got there.

I am overwhelmed.

There is too much going on in my life and I am ill equipped to handle it all at the moment.

I have been going non-stop since 5 a.m. today and I am freaking tired. I am going to go to bed now and will get up at 4:30 tomorrow and start all over again.

There were nice moments in my day today. Sitting next to my daughter at the 6:30 meeting this morning. Someone after the meeting asked me if she was my daughter - I looked at him like he was nuts and said "how'd you guess?" We look so much alike - Ray Charles could see that she is my daughter. He just looked at me and said "You must have been hell on wheels when you were younger." Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I was... it took my daughter for you to figure that out?

My granddaughters came over and we shared a lovely lunch of pork roast and sweet potatoes. It was divine. When I asked my 9 year old granddaughter to try to peach chutney, she did. Then she carefully spit every last morsel into her napkin... it made me laugh... it makes me laugh right now. Peach chutney isn't for everyone, and apparently it isn't for her.

A great sales person at the yarn shop sold me on totally different yarn for a project I started yesterday. So I scrapped about 5 or 6 hours worth of work and about 30 dollars worth of yarn... but what I am going to have is going to be so much better! And those hours and dollars are but a mere fraction of the total.

I got to see my beautiful sponsee as the mother of the bride tonight. I am so proud of her, I could just cry. She has faced the toughest challenges, but tonight if you looked at her, you would only see a beautiful woman, with her handsome husband at her side, proud mother and father of the bride. All the stuff I have seen piecemeal over the last year... every little detail she has agonized over...the little favors on the table, she has brought those to show me after the 6:30 meeting. I have watched the progress of her daughter's gown through little photos on her cell phone over the last 4 or 5 months. It was a beautiful wedding. I am sure not one person (other than me) cared that I was 20 minutes late for it.

One time when I was sober about 4 years and about to lose my mind, I was driving in Denver and although I knew where I was, I didn't know where I was and I knew that was a very bad sign. Tonight the way I got lost was so comprehensive and terrifying - it was a very bad sign. Something has to give...

Tomorrow is another day, I will go to church first thing and then for a hike with a dear friend. Then I can come home and chill. I need that desperately.