Saturday, September 26, 2009

In Trouble

I got lost in my own town tonight. I drove and drove and drove. I used the directions on my iPod which were total nonsense. I called my daughter and I thought she was nuts and hung up. I stopped at a 7-11 and asked for directions and got something that I thought might make sense. I finally called my daughter back and "let" her talk me through each step of the process. I was 20 minutes late to my sponsee's daughter's wedding. I had been driving for almost an hour - for what should have been a short drive. And I felt like I was 100 years old and incompetent by the time I got there.

I am overwhelmed.

There is too much going on in my life and I am ill equipped to handle it all at the moment.

I have been going non-stop since 5 a.m. today and I am freaking tired. I am going to go to bed now and will get up at 4:30 tomorrow and start all over again.

There were nice moments in my day today. Sitting next to my daughter at the 6:30 meeting this morning. Someone after the meeting asked me if she was my daughter - I looked at him like he was nuts and said "how'd you guess?" We look so much alike - Ray Charles could see that she is my daughter. He just looked at me and said "You must have been hell on wheels when you were younger." Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I was... it took my daughter for you to figure that out?

My granddaughters came over and we shared a lovely lunch of pork roast and sweet potatoes. It was divine. When I asked my 9 year old granddaughter to try to peach chutney, she did. Then she carefully spit every last morsel into her napkin... it made me laugh... it makes me laugh right now. Peach chutney isn't for everyone, and apparently it isn't for her.

A great sales person at the yarn shop sold me on totally different yarn for a project I started yesterday. So I scrapped about 5 or 6 hours worth of work and about 30 dollars worth of yarn... but what I am going to have is going to be so much better! And those hours and dollars are but a mere fraction of the total.

I got to see my beautiful sponsee as the mother of the bride tonight. I am so proud of her, I could just cry. She has faced the toughest challenges, but tonight if you looked at her, you would only see a beautiful woman, with her handsome husband at her side, proud mother and father of the bride. All the stuff I have seen piecemeal over the last year... every little detail she has agonized over...the little favors on the table, she has brought those to show me after the 6:30 meeting. I have watched the progress of her daughter's gown through little photos on her cell phone over the last 4 or 5 months. It was a beautiful wedding. I am sure not one person (other than me) cared that I was 20 minutes late for it.

One time when I was sober about 4 years and about to lose my mind, I was driving in Denver and although I knew where I was, I didn't know where I was and I knew that was a very bad sign. Tonight the way I got lost was so comprehensive and terrifying - it was a very bad sign. Something has to give...

Tomorrow is another day, I will go to church first thing and then for a hike with a dear friend. Then I can come home and chill. I need that desperately.

12 comments:

Mary LA said...

All love to you Mary Christine and I hope things get easier and that you get some rest.

Ed G. said...

I understand the whole fear and getting lost thing. I hope you can find some areas in your life where you are anchored and comfortable.

Blessings and aloha...

garden-variety drunk said...

A venture to church and adventure hiking (but not too much of an adventure) sounds like just what the doctor ordered. happy trails to you...

Carol said...

Please be as compassionate with yourself as you are with others. Self- destruction is not limited to substance abuse. Please practice kindness with yourself and give yourself what you would like to receive from other people. Running doesn't get you anywhere but tired.

dAAve said...

I believe that in recovery we are naturally an example to others. Some good, some bad.
In order to be a good example, I gotta take care of myself before I can show others how to do it.

Scott W said...

I hope you find some release soon.

That being lost thing had to have been absolutely terrifying.

Scott said...

please please, don't forget to take time for MC :-)

enjoy your hike and your time with the Lord at Mass and well, your whole day for that matter lol

peace to you my friend :-)

Pam said...

A theripist once told me that the first thing I should say to myself when driving lost and in a full panic (this happens to me a lot) is to tell myself "I am still in Texas, Texas is my home and I am still here." That helps me.

Oh Mary sweet girl. God is so huge. I think that maybe your love for cooking, running, and knitting are God's coping gifts for you. You always seem happier after and during these activities. Maybe today you could do all three!

Trailboss said...

That had to be scary MC. I'm glad that you had a great event attend to take the worry off of it. Weddings are great. I always cry. Guess I'm a whimp.

The Maven said...

Tomorrow IS another day. Life can be overwhelming - mine is lately, to say the least - but being able to see the good amongst the bad is such an important tool in our sobriety. You've done a great job that!

Next week I'm in my sponsee's wedding party. And the maid of honour? My other sponsee. The bachelorette party last night was interesting to say the least! We were the soberest bunch of party girls you've ever met! We had a blast, though. Seeing my sponsees enjoy a night out in a whole new way is wonderous. It makes the all the stress of the upcoming wedding a little less overwhelming.

Valerie said...

Is it time for a full physical? Do you have a healthcare provider you really like? This is also part of taking responsibility and taking good care of yourself. May you be well, happy and peaceful.

Syd said...

I believe in high tech. I take my GPS when I'm in unknown territory. And I back that up with a Mapquest map. Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day.