Sunday, May 06, 2012

Can't think of a title.

This year's roses are almost in bloom.  The peonies are about to pop.  Today is the day of my annual visit to the nursery with my next door neighbor.  She asked me last night if I would mind if we didn't go to the nursery, but somewhere much cheaper.  I told her that would be good for me too.  I feel like my income has vanished before my eyes.  Like sand slipping out of your hand.  Having pay cuts for the last four years while living in an inflated world is sad, scary, and discouraging.  I will be buying only a few plants this year.  But the things I really wanted in my yard are well-established now.  So, I will be OK with a meager purchase of annuals.

Yesterday was awesome.  Family fun.  My son has a large back yard, and the kids were able to run around and enjoy themselves.  We played lawn darts, barbecued, ate, talked, laughed and enjoyed each other.  My three children and three grandchildren were all together.  It was delightful.  My nephew is soon to leave for Japan.  I will miss having another family member in the state.

I cried through mass this morning and didn't have a handkerchief or kleenex with me.  I better start carrying them with me because I think this sudden tearfulness is not going away any time soon.  I cried in my boss' office three times last week - which for a woman of my age is something so verboten, I can't even imagine that I have done this.

Another neighbor loaned me her $4000. bicycle for my race.  Heartbreakingly, I cannot ride it.  It is too big for me.  I can barely clear the bar and when seated my feet do not reach the pedals.  I could adjust the seat, but the frame height is permanent, and my own height is going nowhere but down.  So sad.  But so nice to witness first hand such generosity.  I will return it to her today and start getting used to the idea that I have a triathlon in a month that I have not and likely will not train for.

I had planned a big bike ride today, but it is cold and windy and I am so tired.  I think I will call it a day to spend with my plants and my laundry.  And maybe a dreamy little nap this afternoon.

I am trusting God that I am going to get through this depression.  But I must say that for now, it really sucks.


Kary May said...

I'm sorry, MC and I'm sure the weather doesn't help. I can remember sometimes coming upon my mother sitting in the dark, crying. I would ask her what was wrong and she would say, "I'm just blue." That was her explanation and I never delved further, it probably scared the child in me.

I hope your blueness lightens soon.

marcia said...

MC, I appreciate and admire your honesty, among your many attributes. I have been helped so many times by reading of your experience, strength, and hope. On the subject of depression, it's been a journey for me when I stopped self-medicating and am better able, but not nearly always willing, to see what there is to me without using alcohol. Thanks for all the good you do for so many of us!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Boy do I get it. I'm grateful it doesn't last forever, but when it's on... well it just sucks!

Anonymous said...

Mary, I have had bouts of losing interest in competitive events..not from depression, I don't know how that feels. I have a thought perhaps our age makes us not want to "win, place, finish" the way we used to. That having the stamina and strength beyond the average is enough..

I've come full circle on this realization the last 6 months. Running (and my other physical activities) is for my pleasure, and to keep healthy, to feel alert and keep weight in a good range. I have lost interest in events. I sure don't need anymore ill fitting t-shirts, and I don't need to pay a fee for the joy of running.

thanks for praying for me when I was down, and now I can return the kind gesture.

Annette said...

Oh MC depression does suck. Before you are a "mature" woman crying, you are a human being who is struggling and you cried. THAT is allowed. Always and forever that is allowed.

Anonymous said...

If you go to the Post Office and request a "Change of Address Packet/Envelope, there is within the packet a 10% Off Coupon for purchases at Lowes (Home Depot will honor it too)..So that is a 10 dollar savings if you buy 100 dollars worth of stuff/flowers. You can save the rest of the contents to give anyone who might be thinking of a move. These are at any Post Office in the USA.

Anonymous said...

Also, I forgot..Both Lowes and Home Depot give a "MILITARY DISCOUNT"all the time --So both your son and daughter-in-law get 10% Off by showing their Military ID to the Cashier at purchase..This is true for anyone in the USA who is Active Military or in the Reserves...It also gets me 10% off at my Airport Parking and Free Admission to All our National Parks. Works at car rentals and hotels. Just ask for Military Rate.

Mary LA said...

Mary Christine I so hope your depression lifts. I do know how it feels to weep in front of employers and sit at the back during church wiping my eyes. The tiredness must be so difficult.

I hope you find some lovely inexpensive plants at the nursery. Those roses are beauties.

Syd said...

I'm sorry that you are sad, MC. But I do understand. It comes and goes with me--and thankfully, doesn't stay. Thinking of you.