Monday, May 07, 2012

Pouring Rain on Monday Morning

It's a rainy Monday morning and I say "Perfect!"  That's just how it feels inside too.  I am glad to have a couple of raincoats and a couple of umbrellas - although I can only use one of each at a time.

Yesterday I failed to get excited about the flowers at the nursery.  I walked around and walked around.  Everything seemed unexciting and too expensive.  I usually get tons of petunias because I love the way they smell.  But I usually find vibrant colors.  No such thing yesterday.  Only anemic looking pinks and whites.  A few dark purples.  No neon pinks or bright bright red.  Nothing that I was willing to pay for.   On the way there I had told my neighbor that I was not buying geraniums this year because they tend to be pricey.  The ONLY thing I bought yesterday was $60. worth of geraniums.  They are the bright orange red that I love.  I filled up my planters on the back deck and the front porch with them.  I think they will be pretty.  If they lived through the cold night - I haven't checked yet.

I had a moment at the nursery.  My neighbor and I each walked around independently, and in the end, I could not find her.  I am so melancholy that the sight of couples coming straight from church, holding hands, while they looked for flowers for their houses. made me feel so sad.  I was in this state when I found my neighbor.  There she was, smiling to see me.  And I thought - why on earth do I NOT appreciate what I DO have instead of longing for what I DON'T have?  I have wonderful friends and family.  I need to focus on that.

And today I will focus on the fact that I have a job.  It is a good job.  I have probably the best boss I have ever had in my life.  I enjoy my co-workers.  I like the people on my floor.  I am working in a new process and people are very resistant to change.  I cannot take this personally, but I have.  Basically I have a job where I am dependent upon people who are not invested in the process to provide me the data to create a meaningful work product.  As Syd reminded me last week, GIGO, the old acronym for "Garbage in, garbage out."  Unfortunately, the garbage out is MY Product. And these people do not know me!  I do not have 17 years of history here to fall back on.  Thankfully, thus far, they trust me.  I hope I can maintain that trust while I am acting the fool, crying in offices, and having a melt-down.

Today I will endeavor to give it my best shot.  My goal for today is not to cry.  I will put my nose to the grindstone and not be needy.

I will do my level best to turn my thoughts to others.  Because when I focus on myself, it gets real ugly, real quick.    God can help me to do this if I ask.  I will ask.

And I will thank Him for another blessed day of sobriety.


Mary LA said...

Oh Mary Christine, how I wish I could send you some geraniums (pelargoniums) from here where they grow wild in the veld and on mountain slopes. I take cuttings and have dozens growing in pots and amongst herbs most of the year, in the most vivid colours.

Sadness at the end of a relationship is hard, even when ending was the right thing to do. Do take care.

Anonymous said...

Oh, crap..

I can't say it any better than our wise friend Louisey.

Thinking of you.

dAAve said...

Keep a small bandage handy in case you scrape your nose on the grindstone.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Today I'm sending special prayers for you, because I know what it feels like to be new, dependent on others who don't know or need you, and to be fully dependent on them providing good content in order for your work to be successful. OH HOW I KNOW!

<3 I'm so grateful for you every day Mary Christine! I'm so so grateful for you!


Syd said...

I know that feeling of seeing others being so happy and "together". I judge myself by their outsides. And yet, I know that each of those people has problems, just as all of us do. When I compare myself to others, I get in deep shit. Take care. All of us are pulling for you. You are courageous in many ways. Believe that.

Pammie said...

I am thinking of you and wishing we could hold hands...I don't know why but it seems like it would do us both some good.