Step Eleven

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him,  praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."  

There is such wonderful stuff written about this step on pages 86 and 87 of our big book, I could write it all here, but you could go look it up yourselves, right?  And most of you probably could recite it!

And as you know, I did not mean for these 12 days of writing about the steps to be instructions to anyone... I just wanted to share my own experiences.  

When I got sober, I hadn't lost my faith, but it just wasn't very practical faith and didn't get used very often.  When I was told as a newcomer to AA to pray daily, I started doing that.  I wrote my own third step prayer (yikes) and used that for years as my morning prayer.  Usually, I would remember to pray while driving down I-25 at 60 miles an hour, on my way to work.  Being the divorced mother of three small children, I wasn't good at making the time necessary for me to have real prayer and meditation.  

As the years have passed, this has changed.  For me, this has taken years to evolve.  I am not recommending that anyone else take years though.  

As I said, I started by saying a prayer I wrote myself while driving to work.  Then AA published a "Daily Reflections" book and I started reading that daily.  Then I went back to the "24 Hours a Day" book, which I had read sporadically in early sobriety.  Then I found the book that the 24 Hours book had been based on and started reading that daily.  Then my involvement in my church grew and I started reading the daily Bible passages each day.  All of this was and is helpful.  But the the most amazing thing has happened to me in the last month:  I finally started meditation, twice a day, each for twenty minutes.  It has been the most amazing thing.  I had to take a class to learn how to do this, and I am so glad I did.

This step is so easy because it does not demand anything but an effort.  You do not have to do any particular thing or believe any particular way.  You just have to try for a conscious contact with whatever your concept of God is.  I think God has met me more than half-way on this.  I believe He is happy to help us with our disbelief if we are willing.  

If you had told me 24 years ago what I would be doing today with prayer and meditation, I would have run the other way.  I certainly didn't want to spend hours every day praying!  I definitely did not want to read the Bible!  Let alone study it!  I didn't want to go to church!  I didn't want to do all the stuff those people wanted me to do!  But I am gladly doing all of this and more... and it started with a tiny little hand written prayer.  

Oops!  Time to go meditate before I run this morning!

Step Ten

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."  

I love this step.  Really, really love it.  

Allow me to be didactic for a moment and just point out that this step says WHEN we were wrong, not IF we were wrong.  We are humans and we are going to be wrong.  We will likely get used to being wrong less often, but we are still going to be wrong.  But what we do about it makes all the difference.

I think the first trick for me is to realize that I am going off track before I am totally out in left field.  I usually get out there gradually, so it really pays to be doing a regular 10th step and then I am likely to see when I am just a bit off track before I am totally wacked.  

I have a pretty book that I keep by my bedside and use for my written 10th step.  I am not always 100% faithful to writing every night... but when I am, things are better.  I will catch things that I need to apologize for, or talk to someone about, or just change.  I will notice when I am starting to gossip which for me is a bad thing, it is not only harmful to others, but it makes me feel icky.  

I cannot behave the way others behave. I can't get away with it.  I cannot go around hurting others.  I cannot play the corporate game, I have to be honest.  I cannot blame others - even when they are wrong.  The price for behaving these ways may be my very life.  I have to keep it squeaky clean.  I have to take responsibility for my own actions.  I cannot spend time worrying about the "wrongs" that others have done me.  

It is a big challenge to live this way, but the rewards are more than worth the sacrifice and effort.  I feel like the Tenth Step keeps me on the right path.  The Sober Path.  Thank God.

Step Nine

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." 

Let me first say, the category of "others" that you may hurt with amends never includes yourself.  Let me also say, that in my experience, those who start their amends list with their own names (because, after all, they mainly hurt themselves with their drinking) seldom move beyond their first amend.  

The first time I did this step, I asked my sponsor where I should begin.  I had a lot of names.  And a lot of stuff.  She said to start with the hardest one.  So I did.  I called my sister-in-law, explained that I was an alcoholic practicing the steps of AA,  and told her that I was the one who knocked over her Christmas tree.  That I was the one who set her curtains on fire.  That I was the one who broke her son's rocking chair... etc., etc., etc.  All drunken stupidity.  She was not too keen on hearing from me (I can't imagine why!) and didn't really want to talk about it.  I asked her what I could do to make it right and she really just denied that I could have ever done these things.  But I had.  I was very confused about what to do about this.  My sponsor said that I am only in charge of my own side of the deal, that I cannot make the other person respond in any particular way.  My amend to that was just to never again show up at a family function drunk.  I would endeavor to be someone you could invite to Christmas dinner without worries.  I think I have been mostly able to do that over the years.  

There are so many amends stories over the years, I don't know where to begin.  I just know it is vital to sobriety that you get the amends made... and that you continue to make them.  We cannot live with guilt, shame, and fear.  Getting straight with the world gets rid of these things.  I know that when I was sober for a year or so, the thought of calling GMAC and talking to them about my alcoholism seemed like a stupid idea, but I did it. I was behind on my car payments.  I needed to make arrangements to get that cleared up.  I did pick up that phone and do that. I thought at the time that I was being ridiculous, but by the time I got off the phone, I knew it wasn't ridiculous at all.  I can't remember all the details, but I do know that I did get that straightened out and I know that I had cooperation from a huge company like GMAC, which totally surprised me.

It took a long time to get some other things cleared up.  When I was sober 14 years, I was buying my first house.  Suddenly it became necessary for me to clean up all the financial wreckage of my sobriety in order to qualify for a mortgage.  Thankfully I was able to do that.  

It took longer to pay off all of my child support, but that finally got paid too.  Can you see a trend here?  This takes a long time.  The main thing is that we be willing to do it, and then we will get the opportunities.  It just does not happen overnight.  

Let me tell a happy 9th step story.  One of the people on my list was a friend from high school.  I had no idea where he was.  One day I decided that I was going to find him, come hell or high water.  In those days there was no internet, so you just called area code+555-1212 for long distance information.  I tried all the major metropolitan areas of the US.  And then I started trying smaller places.  I finally found him in Madison, Wisconsin.  He was a professor at the University there.  I called him.  I sheepishly told him that I was an alcoholic - somehow I always expected that people would argue with me about that, but no one did - I told him I was sober in AA and, he said "Thank God."  I told him the other things I needed to tell him.  It was received the way you hope an amends will be received.  The happy part of that is that we have remained in touch since then.  He was in town 2 years ago, and we got to have a lovely dinner.  I am so grateful to be in touch with someone I have known for so long and who has known me.  It is a good thing and it would never have happened without me making that amends.

The Ninth Step is wonderful in that it gives us the ability to clean up the past.  We begin to walk with our heads up.  We are not afraid to look the world in the eye.  We begin to experience real freedom.  What we now lovingly call "the promises" are written about the 9th step.   

This is the cha-ching step.  This is really where we get the most bang for our buck.  It is amazing what happens as a result of this, but you will not know until you do it.  So, if you haven't already, please get to it!

Step Eight

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."  

This is another step where it seems there is not much to "do."  Make a list.  And the big book even says that we already made the list when we did our Fourth Step.  The 12 and 12 says that we have that list and then we go back and redouble our efforts to see how many people we have hurt and in what ways.  

Becoming willing to make amends to them all is probably the trickier part.  Imagine this!  You tell an alcoholic to make a list of the people he or she resents and later you tell them to go make amends to them!  What a tricky deal this is!

I will just say that making amends is a very delicate science.  I think it is the area where we need the most help from our sponsors.  I can convince myself that I owe an amends when really I am looking for an amends from the other person.  I can convince myself that telling another person how they have hurt me is somehow a 9th step amends.  I can also convince myself that I ought to unload on them all "the truth" when they don't need to know... I am only hurting them more in an effort to feel better.  

Let me tell you about one of my most misguided attempts at an amends.... misguided in this case meaning not guided at all.  I did not talk it over with a sponsor.  I did not pray about it.  I did not write inventory or 5th step it.  I just decided one day that I was hurt by my former best friend and decided to "make amends."  I was sober all of 5 years, so I thought I knew what I was doing.

I sat down on the beach on Long Island, New York, and spent a morning writing her a letter.  I told her how she had hurt me. I detailed it out for her so she would not have any doubt about how she had harmed me.  Then I took out my checkbook and wrote a check for $10.  I guess that was my way of making it an "amends."  She had been married to a multi-millionaire (before his fraud conviction) and had given me money when I was a struggling single mother.  I figured I owed her maybe a thousand dollars.  I told her I would send her $10. a month until it was paid off.  Now please be aware that she never loaned me money, she had given me money.  I was just angry and wanted to throw it back in her face.  

Well, months went by and I never heard back from her - what a surprise!  Maybe 6 months later, I got an overdraft notice from the bank.  It seems that I had let my checking account balance get down to nothing just before my monthly check hit the bank, and this was the exact moment when she decided to cash this $10. check.  The check bounced!  Nice amends, huh?  A nasty letter and a bad check.  And then I truly owed her an amends - a real amends.  

We did later get this all straightened out.  She did make amends to me for the things I was so angry about.  I did get to make amends for this stuff and plenty more stuff too.  

But I think this is a perfect illustration of why you don't just go off and make amends.  You have a list.  You consider it carefully, adding or subtracting, with the help of your sponsor and plenty of prayer.  And then you pray some more for the willingness to do the right thing and get straight with the world.

And what a wonderful thing that is....

Step Seven

"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."

It would seem crazy to write a bunch about humility, wouldn't it? When the meeting topic used to be "humility" I would tell everyone that I had a series of tapes on the subject which I would be glad to sell and sign for them... ha ha.

In our beautiful big book, one of the most beautiful prayers is the Seventh Step prayer:

"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen." (p.76)

There can be no self-will in this step.  We are giving our entire selves to God and asking Him to sort out what is meant to be there and what isn't.  

I heard a man at a meeting use this analogy for the Seventh Step:

Someone asked Michelangelo how he sculpted the Pieta.  To this, Michelangelo responded that he chipped away everything that didn't look like the Pieta, and he was left with the Pieta.  The Pieta, one of the most beautiful works of art I have ever seen, was inside that rock all the time, it just needed Michelangelo to reveal it.  (I got to see it at the World's Fair in New York City in 1965.)

This is probably a terrible analogy to a sculptor, but to me, it makes sense.  I let God be my sculptor.  He is able to take the huge bulky rock that was me, and chip away at the ugliness until there is a beautiful person revealed.    

I cannot will it, but I can cooperate.  And then I can be so grateful that I am not who I used to be.  For this, I cannot take credit, but I can thank God.  And I can express my gratitude forward by helping others, but that is another step.

Have a nice weekend everyone.

Step Six

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

The Sixth Step is contained in one paragraph in the big book:

"...we then look at Step Six.  We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable.  Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable?  Can He now take them all -- every one?  If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing."  (p. 76)

After I had shared my first Fifth Step, my sponsor told me to go home and do exactly what it said at the bottom of page 75, and that was to review the first five steps and see if I had skipped anything.  I asked myself if I had done these things to the best of my ability.  I then turned the page to Step Six.  

The Sixth Step doesn't seem like much.  There is no specific action involved.  But it is important enough for the Twelve and Twelve to say that this step separates the men from the boys.  (And being a grown-up, I know that also means that it separates the women from the girls.)  

I have fortunately not been one who willingly clung to a character defect.  That is not to say that I don't have plenty.  But I was willing for God to take them away.  It is amazing what happens when you just get willing and let God work.  I could not remove my character defects and I don't believe I can "work" on them.  But I can be ready and willing for what God is able to do.  I can also cooperate.  I can't just go around doing the same old stuff and expect God to take care of it. I do have to cooperate.

I can't say the Lord's Prayer and ask God to "lead me not into temptation" and then place myself into temptation.  I need to make the changes necessary to stop doing whatever it is that is harmful.  

The most concrete example I can think of is my cigarette smoking.  I was sober 7 years.  I smoked like a fiend and vaguely considered this a character defect.  I did want to quit smoking in an abstract way, I just didn't want to actually stop smoking.  I prayed.  I prayed.  And then I prayed some more.  I joined a group to stop smoking.  Thank God that back in those days, there were no medications to take.  It was just a few days of misery and then you were done!   But first, on our assigned quit day, I had to take my cigarettes, crumble them up and throw them in the trash. I had to stop sticking cigarettes in my mouth and lighting them up.  God took care of the rest.  It was a few days of not fun, and then now 18 years of being a non-smoker.  I do not believe I could have done that without the help of God.  But God couldn't have done it if I had continued to stick cigarettes in my mouth and light them up.  

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I am now half-way done with this endeavor to write about my experience with the steps.  I have complained to some of you about how much I have not enjoyed this.  I would so much rather write more light-hearted things.  I have been attacked non-stop since I started this.  There are little puny people out there who are obsessed with satan (not God) and these steps are a terrible threat to a satan-driven life.  

Being a loving person, it hurts me terribly to see someone who is so sick.  But I have to realize that there is nothing I can do for them. I wish I could wrap my arms around them and comfort them, and get them to start believing in God instead of the devil, but I can't.  

Step Five

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."  

This is where the real freedom begins.  To sit down and tell another person the exact nature of our wrongs... not something we would normally want to do, but under the threat of alcoholic death, it seems a little bit more palatable.

When I wrote my first 4th Step inventory, I wanted it out of my house, so I took it to my sponsor to wait until we could do the 5th Step.  In the meantime, she left her husband (it seems he didn't want a woman with a handgun in her purse living in his home).  She called to tell me that she had left and it didn't take me long to wonder where my written 4th step was.  She told me in the most casual way that she gave it to Jerry.  Jerry!  I didn't even LIKE Jerry let alone want him to have my 4th step!  Well, I freaked out and asked her where Jerry was... she said he was down at the club.  I hopped into the car immediately and drove to the club.  Jerry was there at the counter.  I frantically approached him and asked him if he had something of mine.  He picked up the folded notebook paper that was my inventory, waved it in the air and said "you mean this?"  I told him I needed to get that back from him, that it contained lethal information... information that could destroy my life.

He waved it in the air and told me that by the time I got done with the rest of the steps there wouldn't be anything in that inventory that I wouldn't be willing to have on the front page of the Rocky Mountain News - if it would help someone else.  I told him that he certainly didn't understand and asked him to give me my paperwork.  He gave it to me with a smile.  I thought he was a jackass.  

But you know what?  He was absolutely right.  By the time I sat down with my sponsor (after she got rid of the handgun and moved back in with her husband) and told her my whole story... starting with the written inventory and going from there, I was free of the shame and guilt.  

I think that trying to describe this is probably like trying to tell someone what it is like to eat a piece of fruit if they never have.  There is no way to describe it.  Certainly no one but a weirdo would look forward to going to another person and telling them all the tangled tales of twisted relationships, the lies, the hurt we have caused, the horrible wreckage we have caused.  And if you have never done this, it would make no sense to you that telling someone all of this would cause something akin to elation.  

I began to realize that I was just a garden variety drunk.  That once the things that brought me the most shame and had been carefully kept secret for years were out in the open they lost their power.  

After several years of sobriety and practicing the steps, I was able to go back to the church of my youth.  I was able to step back into the confessional and go through that process, which brought incredible freedom - but that is another story.

I don't know what else there is to write about this.  

But I will go off on a side note.  If you have read these posts for the past 5 days, you may have noticed that the people I encountered in AA did not always act great and treat me fabulous when I got sober.  They were frequently unreliable and untrustworthy.  And thanks to that, I placed my reliance on God, not on other people.  With the help of God, I was able to keep trudging until I found a great sponsor and great friends in AA, but that did not happen overnight.    

I am so grateful for these characters who helped me to get sober.  That first sponsor?  She is now drinking.  The second sponsor?  She is now drinking.  Jerry?  He died sober about 5 years ago.  I don't know where the second sponsor's husband is, but he sure helped me.  They all did.  I am so grateful.  

Step Four

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

This is the step where the rubber begins to hit the road. And this is the step where I start to part company with many other AA members.  

When I got to AA, I was desperate to quit drinking.  I was desperate for my life to get better.  I read the big book in the first 24 hours of sobriety and although I was greatly befuddled, one idea came through loud and clear... that if I worked those steps, I would lose my desire to drink.  I was on fire with sobriety right then, but knew I normally had a very short attention span.  I figured I had about 4 to 6 weeks of enthusiasm for this "new thing," and then I would likely be in trouble - that is, of course, unless these steps actually worked.  If the steps worked, I would find myself at the end of my attention span with an endless supply of enthusiasm for sobriety.  So, of course, I needed to get to work.

I had already taken the Third Step with my sponsor.  When I approached her about getting to work on a fourth step, she said that I didn't need to worry about that, that I could just wait a while.  I didn't agree.  There were other issues with this sponsor, so I set about finding a new sponsor who would help me to get those steps done as soon as possible.  I did find one.  She had a few "issues" of her own, but she was supportive of my getting down to business.  

After a few days, I realized that I was unable to get my sponsor's help with the Fourth Step, I talked with her husband and he told me to just get started.  I asked him how I was supposed to do this.  He told me to pick up the big book and just follow what it said there.  

I sat down one morning, sober less than 30 days, and started writing.  By the end of that day, I had my first Fourth Step inventory written.  Really.  It was the most incredible day.  I started out with the intention of writing down every crappy thing that ever happened to me.  I structured it like the big book said - with those three columns.  

I'm resentful at:                             The Cause                                     Affects my:

I wrote and wrote and wrote. And then, I turned the page.  Literally and figuratively.  

"Referring to our list again.  Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes.  Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?  Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely.  Where were we to blame?  The inventory was ours, not the other man's.  When we saw our faults we listed them.  We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight."  (p.67)

Then for the first time in my life, I looked at my life from another perspective.  I saw that I had been a participant in all of the events of my life.  That I had a part in all of it, however small or large my role.  I then continued with my fear and sex inventories.   There are clear instructions in the big book, and I just followed the directions.

This brought an incredible freedom.  It was the first time in my life that I thought that my life could change.  It didn't have to be an endless procession of "bad luck" and "poor choices."  It could change.  And it did.  

I needed to do another Fourth Step before my first AA birthday, and I did one every year after that, until I was sober 10 years.  It took a long time for me to get through all the stuff that kept coming up.  I was grateful for the structure of the steps to help me to "process" this stuff.  

A couple of years ago I sponsored a woman.  She was about my age, in her 50's, she was newly sober for about the fortieth time.  She just couldn't seem to get sober.  She told me that she had a book and she wanted to use it for the steps, it was called "The kinder gentler 12 steps."  I almost vomited.  Her life is a nightmare of poverty, disability, and chronic alcoholism, but she didn't want the steps to be too hard.  Our relationship didn't last long.  

I thank God that no one got hold of me and tried to convince me that I ought to take it easy on myself.  Was the 4th Step hard?  I guess.  But not harder than living with resentment that eats you from the inside out.  I was hard on myself - and in return, I get to live in freedom.  What a deal.  

Let me just share some stuff that was commonly talked about at meetings back when I got sober.  This was the culture I got sober in... they talked about the necessity of doing all the steps.  The old guys talked about how the thing that will get you drunk could probably be written on a matchbook cover.  That a Fourth Step was not intended to be the Great American Novel.  If it was more than a few pages, it was probably an ego trip.  That is why I love the structure of the four columns.  There is not a lot of room for writing about how special I am, or how tragic.  It is simple and straight-forward.  And it saved my life.

And once you have all that written down?  Well, it is time to do Step Five...

Step Three

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

Ah, Step Three.  How I love it.  We can review the first two steps on page 60:

"(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

 (b) That probably no human power could have relived our alcoholism.

 (c) That God could and would if He were sought. 

Being convinced, we were at Step Three."

I am tempted to go into a long philosophical discussion of Step Three, but I really want to keep this about my own experience with the steps.  This is not intended to be an intellectual exercise, just one alcoholic sharing their own experience, strength, and hope about the steps with another alcoholic.  

My first experience with Step Three was on my second day of sobriety.  I had a little over 24 hours without a drink when I called the woman who 12 stepped me and took me to my first meeting.  At my first meeting the night before, I was given a big book and told to read it.  Well, I read it.  I got to the ninth step and decided there was no way I could do this.  I called B. to thank her for her time (seriously, I really appreciated her time and kindness to me) and to tell her that I could not do this and therefore she would not be hearing from me anymore.  She asked me to get on my knees and pray.

I was highly insulted by the suggestion that some alcoholic would tell ME to pray!  Really.  I had years and years of fine religious education and who was SHE, some drunken bum, to tell ME to pray!?  But for some reason, I got on my knees and prayed.  And having recently read the big book, I used the words "I turn my will and my life over to the care of You."  I really meant it.  I cannot describe the relief that I felt at that moment.  I consider this a spiritual experience.  I felt the relief of knowing I was not carrying the weight of the world.  I knew there was a God and He was going to help me.  I needed plenty of help and I felt certain that I would get it.  I think I was in AA with all my heart and soul from that moment forward.

Later my sponsor and I said the prayer together and I formally took the Third Step.

• "God I offer myself to thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.  Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, They Love, and Thy Way of Life, May I do Thy will always!" 

As with all the steps, my experience and my understanding have expanded and deepened over the years.  The ups and downs of life, the moments of crisis, the heartbreaks, and the joys have a tendency to allow us to grow - or not.  

Here is one of my favorite experiences with the Third Step:  I was sober fifteen months.  I had a job that I had come to absolutely hate.  The company was dissolving before the owner's eyes and he was extremely angry.  Not wanting to blame himself, he was quick to blame others.  I was his secretary.  He was angry with me a lot of the time.  It frightened me.  I had three small children I was supporting.  My ex-husband was not working.  I felt like the weight of the world was back on my shoulders.  

One night in despair after a particularly bad day at work, I picked up the phone to ask for help.  I called my sponsor, she was not at home.  I called my best friend in AA, she was not at home.  I called my boyfriend, he was too busy to talk to me (not nice!).  I finally called my ex-husband... he suggested I read the big book.  That really made me mad. I was in AA - he was not.  But I picked up the big book and just opened it.  Here is where it fell open:

"First of all, we had to quit playing God.  It didn't work.  Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director.  He is the Principal; we are His agents.  He is the Father, and we are His children.  Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed.  We had a new Employer.  Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. "

I decided that if I had new employer, I really didn't need the old one. I went into work the next day and tried to have a chat with my boss.  When he told me to "get the f*** out of here," I did.  I left the building and never came back.  

In retrospect, I think this sounds somewhat self-serving, but I quit that job, and I had trust in God, really for the first time in my life, that everything was going to be OK.  I didn't have any evidence that it was going to be OK, but I just trusted.  

I was out of work for 6 weeks.  I really needed 6 weeks off at that time.  I got an unexpected check from an insurance company for an old car accident - and that check was more than what I normally would have earned in 6 weeks.  It paid my rent and put food on the table.  I actively looked for work the entire time I was unemployed and ended up with a wonderful job that I loved and paid me more than I made at the other company.  

This experience opened my eyes to an entirely different level of trust.  I had gone around in my first year or so saying that "God will do for me what I can't do for myself, but he won't do for me what I can do for myself."  The problem with that was that I was in charge of deciding what things God could do and what things I could do.  Funny, I decided that most things were in the realm of what I could do for myself.  And what a mess I ended up with!  

When I just trust God, everything is just fine.  It may not look fine at that moment, but I invariably discover later just why things happen the way they do.  

I could write for 12 days about this step alone.  I have had so many wonderful experiences... but that would be too much.

And, since the Third Step is "making a decision," how does one take the action necessary to complete it?  By taking the Fourth Step....

Step Two

"Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

The Second Step is the only one that is not clearly detailed in the big book. There is a whole chapter called "We Agnostics" which deals with coming to believe - unfortunately many people either don't read it or don't spend much time studying it because they are not agnostics. 

All of the other steps say something like "This is the first step in recovery." (p. 30), "Being convinced, we were at Step Three." (p. 60), "This brings us to the Fifth Step" (p. 72), "we then look at Step Six." (p. 76), "We have then completed Step Seven." (p.76), "Let's look at Steps Eight and Nine." (p. 76), "This thought brings us to Step Ten." (p. 84), "Step Eleven suggests prayer and meditation." (p. 85), and "The next chapter is entirely devoted to Step Twelve." (p.88).  

I have heard many people say that they had a hard time with the second step because they didn't believe they needed to be restored to sanity because that would suggest they were insane.  Others have had difficulty because they did not believe in God.  For me, the difficulty was in the word "restore."  I couldn't imagine how I could be restored to something I never felt I had.  

My first sponsor had me take three sheets of paper and write my concept of a higher power on each sheet.  The first sheet was for my childhood idea, which was the God in heaven with the long white beard, etc.   The second sheet was for my present concept of God, which was someone I was trying to hide from, I was afraid of God.  The third sheet was to write down my ideal of what my relationship with God should be, at that time it was a close relationship without fear or dread.  We got together and I read these to her.  She then told me to take the first two sheets of paper and tear them up.  She said that those were my old ideas, and now I could get rid of my old ideas and go forward with the new.  

This is not what I do with sponsees as we do the Second Step, but it was my first experience with the Second Step.  

Over the years, my faith and trust in God have grown as I saw the evidence of what happens when you turn it over to Him.  I could start with the belief that God could remove alcohol from my life.  This was huge.  And it happened.  The trust built from there.  

As I look back on almost a quarter century of sobriety and try to judge the sanity of those years, I can see that the first years were not very sane.  But I wasn't drinking and that is very very good.  As time passed, my life started looking sane and so did I.  After a while, I started being employable.  I started being reliable.  I started being trust-worthy.  People could know what to expect from me.  They could ask me to do things and feel sure that they would get done. I know that left to my own devices it would not be this way.  

Thank God I do not have to do this alone.  The fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is a tremendous blessing, but the individual people of AA can let you down.  The fellowship as a whole will not, but those individual hurts are very deep.  God will NEVER let me down and I never have to stay sober alone because He is always with me.  

How do you show that you have taken Step Two?  By moving on to Step Three... 

Step One

Yesterday I wrote a little bit about Step Nine.  People commented about that.  I thought about it some and thought I would like to write a bit about my experience with the steps.  You all have heard enough about my running, my shoes, my job, my cooking, and my knitting to keep you going for at least 12 days, so I thought I would write each day for 12 days about the steps.  It is important to note that I am not writing instructions or guidance on the steps... I am writing about my experience with them.  There are plenty of books with the ultimate interpretations of the steps, but in my opinion there were two books written with all I need to know about them...  the big book, and the 12 & 12.  This is just me writing about my experience, OK?

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

When I got to AA, I knew I drank WAY too much.  I knew I was sick of it.  I knew that there was something very very wrong with my life.  I knew I was suicidal most of the time.  I knew I was a lousy wife and mother.  A lousy housekeeper, a lousy bookkeeper, a lousy most everything.  When I got to AA, I was honestly thrilled to think that I might have *one* problem instead of the thousands I thought I had.  

I thought I might be a little bit of an alcoholic.  It only took a few weeks in AA to realize that I related to the drinking of almost everyone.  The housewife, the nun, the stock-broker, the doctor, the bank robber, the Larimer Street (it used to be skid row in Denver before it got gentrified) wino, and the person who was locked up in the nut house.  I sat around an AA club and swapped stories with bikers and truckers and bankers and lawyers.  It took only a short while to realize that not once had I ever said "holy cow, I never drank like you guys!"  Not once. 

I was thrilled to stop drinking.  It hurt like hell for the first weeks.  I was shaking.  I was sick.  I was waking up with night sweats.  I was sick as a dog.  But I was so relieved.  It was actually easier to be sick than to be doing what I had tried for years - controlled drinking.  I loved being sober. I loved throwing in the towel and saying I couldn't do it anymore.  It was a tremendous relief.

But after a few months of sobriety, I didn't get the idea of powerlessness.  I thought I was powerful enough to stop drinking.  I thought I was powerful enough to go out and get a job and leave my husband and get an apartment and pay my bills, etc.  It took me nearly five years to "get" the idea of powerlessness and unmanageability.  

When I woke up on the wrong side of the locked doors of a psychiatric ward at 4 1/2 years of sobriety, I suddenly knew what it meant for your life to be unmanageable.  I had managed my life well enough to drive myself into suicidal exhaustion.  I had always laughed at the folks in AA who had lost everything but then would say "but I didn't pick up a drink!"  As if that was a good thing!  Well, on that morning in January 1989, I realized that the fact that I hadn't taken a drink WAS a good thing indeed, in fact miraculous, and that it was good enough.  I knew I had lots of work ahead of me and I was willing to do it.

Somehow it is a lot easier to turn it all over to God when you are in such a jam.  And I did.  But this time I never took it back... but I am getting ahead to other steps.

For me, Step One is ever-evolving.  I have over the years come to know my powerlessness on a cellular level.  I am sure it will continue to evolve as long as I am open to learning and haven't decided that I know it all.  

One of my favorite Step One stories is this:  I was sober almost 6 years.  I was about to marry a man.  I was living as an illegal alien migrant farm worker in Canada (I thought that was a hilarious, but oh-so-accurate way to describe my status).  He was an Australian crop-duster.  I was working for him doing the books.  We were in a remote town in Alberta.  I could not find an AA meeting.  I think I went 6 weeks without a meeting - however long we were in that place.  One fine day, my soon-to-be-husband asked me to stand in the road and stop traffic so that he could use the highway as his runway.  

I started crying.  I started walking around in circles, pulling my hair.  I told him "I am from Chicago!  I can't do this!  I don't belong here!"  Suddenly it occurred to me that I was behaving like a wimp!  I knew I was not a wimp, so I asked myself what was wrong with me that I was acting like this.  The thought came to me like a thunderbolt - "You need a beer."  And then next thought was "WHAT?  I haven't had a drink for nearly 6 years!  How can I need a beer?"  

Then I realized that I either need to be actively involved in AA, or I truly do need a drink.  Left to my own devices, I am not capable of quitting drinking, or being a viable human being.  I need to acknowledge my powerless over alcohol and my inability to manage my own life.... and then things change.  And my life begins to look like something that is desirable.  It may look manageable because it does have a manager, but the manager is not me!

Step Two tomorrow...

My ex-husband's birthday

My ex-husband is 59 years old today.  When I met him he was 24.  In my mind, he will always be the 24 year old football player I fell in love with.  I wish I could call him and wish him a happy birthday, but it would cause more problems for him, and therefore, I won't.  Sometimes when you have caused a lot of hurt, the best thing you can do is just leave it alone.  Please know that I have made my amends as best I could, but I caused that man a lot of pain and he doesn't really like to be reminded of it.  

Maybe if some of my old-school friends read that, they would say "How can you say that, don't you remember what he did to YOU?!"  Well, that is hardly the point.  The point is, in recovery we need to be responsible for ourselves.  We do not focus on the harm another may or may not have caused us, that only leads to pain and bitterness.  We focus on ourselves and what we can do to repair the harm we have caused, and then live in such a way to at least try not to cause more harm.  

I am grateful that I had a very productive week at work.  I have a weekend without very many plans.  I have a new green hoodie to wear this morning.  I have those socks to knit (see picture), and I am enjoying it immensely.  I am going to the 6:30 meeting and then to meet my sponsee at a local coffee establishment (not Starbuck's) to do some seventh step stuff.  I get to go to church tonight, and might get to confession this afternoon.  This is a step-back week in my training, so I won't have a l-o-n-g run tomorrow, just 4 miles.  

I love Saturday mornings.

Birthdays

Yesterday at the morning meeting, a young woman celebrated 1 year of sobriety.  I was so glad I was there.  She told a bit of her story, she had tears streaming down her face, I had tears brimming in my eyes, another woman had tears running, and the men were trying not to cry.  It was one of those wonderful AA stories.  Heartbreak and redemption.  Decimation and reconciliation.  A living death and then life.  And the gratitude that naturally flows from that.

On the way to the restaurant last night, I stopped at the yarn shop to get a new quick project to work on.  I have been knitting the same baby blanket since last March and I am SICK of it.  It is going to take at least another couple of months to finish.... on size 1 needles, and very intricate work.  I usually pick quick projects because the variety.  I LOVE to knit socks because they are quick, they make a great gift, and I love the tactile aspect of the bamboo needles, the wool yarn, and the way these interact.  

I walked into the yarn shop with 5 minutes scheduled to do this!  I told the owner of the shop that I NEEDED some socks to knit for therapy.  Unfortunately, I am afraid this is probably not a strange request for that store.  She knew exactly where to take me to get some beautiful marino wool yarn, and I always buy new needles even though I am sure I don't need them.  I have a portfolio of knitting books, and several books of sock recipes.... what fun to come home and pick a sock pattern and get started.  

I am really looking forward to today.  I have been working very hard to get several projects going.  They are now going... there is lots more work to do, but they have a good foundation now.  I feel like I can work at a less frenetic pace for a day or two... and that is good.

Have a wonderful Friday everyone.  

Thursday Morning

I remember when Thursday morning was so much fun because we had half-nAAked thursday.  But then it changed and then it was over.  I just spent 15 minutes looking for it and it isn't even there anymore.  It was fun while it lasted.

I am frantic busy again.  I am heading out of here for a 6:30 a.m. meeting to start the day, and then a full day of work.  After work, I am meeting 3 AA friends for dinner at a middle-eastern restaurant.  I shall enjoy that.  But right now, I just wish I could get back in bed and go back to sleep.  

But I won't.  One important thing I learned in my early years of sobriety is that you take the right action and the good feelings will follow.  If you wait till you feel like doing something, it may never happen.  There is a cute little saying to describe that, but I can't even think of it right now.  Oh, wait, I think it is:

You can't think your way into right living, but you can live your way into right thinking.

Is that it?

In other words, there is no chapter in our big book called "Into Thinking," but there is one called "Into Action."

Have an action-packed sober day, OK?

Who am I? What am I doing here?

I am at a loss this morning, so I will just go back to the start.  In the immortal words of Admiral William Stockdale, "Who am I? What am I doing here?"

I am a 56 year old woman.   I will be 57 in December.  I was born in Pittsburgh, PA.  I grew up in a small town in eastern Ohio, named Poland.  I moved from there when I was 14 to a suburb of Chicago.  When my parents told me we were moving, and that I would have to attend public schools for the first time in my life, I made a conscious decision to start drinking and doing whatever the heck else I felt like.  I made good on that decision.

I started drinking in July 1966.  I didn't stop until July 24, 1984.  In that time, I got married and had three children.  We moved from Chicago to New Mexico to the mountains of Colorado.  I did things that drunk people do.  I became increasingly depressed and desperate.  By 1984, with three small children and a husband who needed me, I drank daily, all day long and had for years, and all I wanted to do was die.  I had no friends.  Not one.  When I needed someone to talk to, I got on the phone with my therapist, and then got a bill for the time we spent on the phone.  

When my husband told me we were moving to Denver, it shook my world and I think I made the bookend decision to the one I made in 1966 - I wanted to get sober.  It took 3 weeks.  

I called AA on the morning of July 24, 1984 and I have not had a drink since.  I jumped into AA with everything I had.  They told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, and I went to 180.  They told me to get a sponsor, I got a sponsor.  They told me to work the steps, I worked the steps.  They told me to pray, and I prayed.  They told me to get active in service work, I did that.  In 1985 I celebrated one whole year without a drink.  In 1986, 2 years.  In 1987, three years.... and on and on.  In 2004, I got a coin  with "XX" on it.  Twenty years without a drink.  My last coin has "XXIV" on it.  XXIV.  

In the time I have been sober, I went back to school and got my bachelor's and master's degrees.  I got a job at 10 years of sobriety which I still have today.  My children have grown and now I have two grandchildren.  I bought my first house in 1998, and my second house in 2001, in which I still live.  

I have gone from being a 32 year old woman who wanted to die to being a 56 year old woman who is doing everything she can to stay alive for as long as I can.  I participated in my first triathlon in 2004, and have done five since.  I ran my first half-marathon in May 2007, and am now training for my fifth one which is in January.  I am so grateful that by the grace of God, I was able to quit smoking 17 years ago, and have not had one cigarette since.  

AA gently led me back to the church of my youth and I have found my home there.  I am currently in the middle of my second year of a four year program of Biblical School.  I love it.  

My life has changed dramatically.  It did not happen overnight.  It happened slowly.  I did not get sober and get perfect.  I messed up - a lot.  But I did not drink, and I kept doing what I was supposed to be doing.  

I was done drinking.  I had enough.  I was desperate.  I didn't have any great ideas left. I didn't have any friends left.  I believe it was the hand of God that got me to AA, and the grace of God that kept me sober.  I believe I had to follow the few directions given me to just cooperate with the freely given gift.  I don't believe I stayed sober by any great "work" on my behalf... just some cooperation.

I started this blog to converse with some other blogger, long gone, who was bugging me on my other blog.  I realized he was a recovering alcoholic and I wanted to talk about that, but my other blog was political in nature and used my full name and picture, so I would not violate traditions by talking about my membership in AA there.  So I started this blog. After a couple of months, a blogger, sadly now long gone from the blogging scene, came along and then told a  bunch of you about my blog and the rest is history.  I have loved the fellowship of the sober blogs.  It has been wonderful.  

And now I have to get dressed and face this day sober.  I will attempt to do it with quiet humor and grace.  I will definitely need God's help today, as I do every day.  

Let's go into this new world sober together, shall we?

Tenth Tradition

Today, of all days, I wish I could spill my guts here.  But I am bound by the 10th tradition to not do that.  It is election day, and I can say "go out and vote!"  I would like to go further and tell you who to vote for.  But I won't.

But I would like to say that as sober people, we have the responsibility to take our civic duty seriously.  So, I would like to say, counter to most folks, that if you don't know what you are doing, if you haven't paid attention to this election, and if you are voting for nebulous ideas that don't make a lot of sense after investigation - stay home.  Really.  Just stay home.

When the founding fathers (yes, they were fathers, not mothers) of the United States died to protect our freedom of speech and our right to a voice, they were not talking about uninformed people talking a bunch of nonsense.  They were talking about people who took responsibility for themselves and took the time to be informed and form an opinion based on facts.  People who took the time, and did the work, and whether you agreed with them or not, you had to respect their opinions and their right to voice them.  

We have a beautiful country.  My son, and hundreds of thousands like him, have fought for our freedoms in the middle east.  Our brothers, cousins, and friends fought in Vietnam.  Our fathers, uncles, and grandfathers shed their blood, sweat, and tears in Europe in the first and second world wars.  This is serious stuff.  It doesn't always feel good.  It isn't always pretty.  Many have died for this country and all it stands for.  

Please take the time for an informed decision about our future.  

And stay sober, OK?

1st Monday in November

(my leg, with an alaskan mosquito squished on it, while riding a bike, in Alaska)

One of my least favorite meetings at work is on the first Monday of every month.  What kind of sadistic person schedules a meeting for the first Monday?  I am still happy to be going to work. 

As I put on my shoes this morning, I thought about how grateful I am to have an opportunity to wear high heels on a daily basis.  There were years in my life when I had no excuse to wear heels, or even nice shoes.  In fact, there were years when I had only one pair of shoes at time, and I wore them until I wore them out and then it was time for a new pair.  Well, now I have quite the collection of shoes.  Running shoes, hiking boots, bumming around kind of tennies, water shoes, snow boots, high heel pumps, high heel boots, low heel dancing boots, clogs, crocs, sandals of all sorts, flats, kitten heels, etc.  I have brown shoes, black shoes, purple shoes, green shoes (more than one pair), blue shoes, silver shoes, and of course, red shoes.  

Why am I thinking about this, you may ask?  Because I am thinking about taking a trip to Rome in 2010.  And I am thinking about the money this will cost.  And I am thinking about how if I don't stop spending money I will never retire.  And it occurs to me that I don't really want to retire.  Why?  Because then I would have no good reason to wear high heels!

Welcome to my decision making process...

and let's stay sober today, OK?

All Souls Day

A day of commemoration of the faithful departed. 

The first day of standard time is one of my favorite days of the year.  I get an extra hour this weekend!  I love to wake up and have it be an hour earlier!  It is already mostly light outside and it is only 6 a.m.!  I am going to get out and run as soon as I finish this post and pray.  

I am so happy to be again training for a half marathon.  I love to have that focus and that reason to get out and run.  Running makes me a happier girl, but even though I know that, it is hard to get out and run if I don't have a goal in mind.  

I just don't have much to say today I guess.  While I was waiting for the water to boil for coffee this morning (I use a Melitta drip filter thing) I cleaned and polished the cabinets in my kitchen.  I guess that feeling of having an extra hour inspired me to do something I don't normally want to do.

Now I will get out and do something that I love!

Have a great sober Sunday everyone.

Home Group

This morning I went to my home group.  If you do not have a home group, you have no idea what you are depriving yourself of.  It is the most wonderful thing.  I seldom give advice, but here is some:  if you do not have a home group, get one - at once!

I have tried adopting other groups as my h.g., and I have felt at various times that I have had success at this.  But now that I have started to once again drive across town to the group and the people with whom I sobered up, I realize that it will always be my home, and there will never be another.  I know that some people move far away from where they sobered up and do not have the opportunity to go to their old h.g., but I do.  

So this morning I got to see Denny, who took me to my first meeting.  I got to see John.  About 12 years ago, that group moved and my friend Andy and I still went to the old meeting place (because it was still listed in the meeting book) and sat there in case anyone showed up.  We would get newcomers, coming to their first meeting.  John was one of those.  Andy and I both loved John and wanted so much for him to get sober.  He did get sober for a while, but then had a bad slip, lasting years and costing him everything he had.  

He has a year and a half of sobriety now.  He and his wife were able to regain custody of their kids within the last year.  He talked about trick or treating with his boys last night.  It was beautiful.  In the past, he would have sent his nanny out to do that "chore," and now that he is poverty-stricken, he is finding out what the true treasures in life really are.    He is also very wise and has impeccable taste, he told me that he couldn't believe I am almost 57 years old, and that I have a "timeless beauty!"  No wonder I love him!!!  

Life is peaceful and good today.  I am about to assemble a pot of homemade soup, and will let it simmer while I am out cleaning up the end of the fall leaves.  It just doesn't get much better than this.  

*in case anyone is wondering, I gave wellsphere permission to publish my blog on their health site ( I have very mixed emotions about this) and if I don't have a picture on my posts, they put one there... so I am putting a picture on almost every post now.  The pictures they place on my posts are really not to my liking at all... kind of new-agey, fakey spiritually, icky.  

Halloween

I like Halloween.  I am dressing up in a costume for work.  I used to go all out for this, but the last couple of years, I have used Halloween as an excuse to dress comfortably... I am going as a runner.  I can wear a bunch of comfy running gear and great shoes and be happy.  Yesterday I forgot that I had to take a tour of the entire hospital - I had 3 1/2 inch heels on.  My feet were not happy at the end of the day.  Today they will be compensated for yesterday's error in judgment.

I am taking a run this morning - and then coming back home, bathing, and getting dressed up as a runner!  What fun.

I hope you all have a wonderful Halloween, and that you all stay sober - just for today.

Creep-a-Rama

The race last night was the most fun race I have ever been in.  I am so glad my friend joined me because I would not have been able to finish it alone.  It was too scary!  Really!  Running through trails in the woods at night, with only your head lamp to light the way is spooky.  And I had NO idea we would have to cross through a river - twice! - in water up to our knees!  It was the best!  And we won a prize for best team name.  

Today I will go to work and give it my best shot for another day.  I may go and vote at lunch time.  I have never been so concerned that my voice be heard.  I have probably never felt so overruled in my life.  With that, I will shut up.  

And just wish you all another sober day.  

RTY

As I looked at a couple of blogs this morning and tried to post comments, I found myself staring at my keyboard without a thought in the world about what to write.  I noticed for the first time in my life that if you are staring blankly at a keyboard, the letters in the middle mix themselves up and it looks like the word "TRY".  

Tonight I am in a race.  A race on trails at night.  With spooky things thrown in for fun.  For me, I am spooked enough when I run in this park in the daylight... there are always animals about.  I tend to have run-ins with animals more than the average person.  My friend is running the race with me, and we will both have head lamps on.  That should help the fear factor.  I am looking forward to the race.

This morning as I read Syd's post about injuries and pain, I was struck by something.  He has lots of pain.  I can see that.  The tone of the comments were "take care of yourself," "honor your body," etc.  I just want to say Thank God that Syd is sailing and rowing and doing stuff.  I think the pain of a sedentary life is so much worse than the pain that comes as a result of fully living, fully participating in life.  An x-ray of my neck looks like a frankenstein monster, complete with bone grafts and titanium rods, I have had a doctor tell me he can't believe I am even able to walk, let alone run.  People don't understand why I continue to run... sometimes I really can barely walk...and sometimes it hurts like hell.  But!  I am not taking antidepressants, I am not living on pain killers. I am not wearing magnets and TENS devices.  I am living with the body God gave me, to the best of my ability.  

Sometimes things that hurt really help me.  Working the steps sure wasn't a picnic.  It didn't feel good all the time.  Being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous isn't always fun, it doesn't always feel good.  Doing the right thing often feels much worse than doing the expedient thing.  But feeling good isn't really the point, is it?  

I am so grateful that I get to walk through pain and hurt and difficulty to be a fully alive and sober human being.  

"Followers"

Blogger started this thing to the right ------>

in September.  At first I loved the little pictures of people sitting there.  I loved the idea of "followers" who liked my blog enough to put their little picture there.  Ego feeding?  Well, maybe.  

When I first started this blog, I had a couple of my own rules about what blogs I would link to in my sidebar.  I would not link if they had advertisements.  I would not link if they were overtly political.  I would usually not link if their blogs were written from the perspective of an "expert" in recovery.  

Now I have links, including pictures, of all sorts of blogs.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  If this blog is supposed to be about being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, shouldn't my links also reflect that?  Shouldn't they steer clear of politics?  Shameless advertising of treatment centers and books on "recovery"?

Yesterday, I lost one follower.  I can't even figure out who left, but the number is one less than it was 24 hours ago.  As one who tracks opinions for a living, who carefully gathers statistics and then tries to present them with veracity, it is weird to have such soft science on my very own blog.   

And I expect that this post will annoy one or two of you enough to remove yourselves from my "followers" list.  Don't worry, I won't know who you are... 

Have a nice day :)

What is Apple Butter?

Gosh, I didn't realize that so many people had never tasted apple butter.  From Wikipedia:  Apple butter is a highly concentrated form of apple sauce, produced by long, slow cooking of apples....  and it is spiced up with cinnamon and cloves.  It is yummy on buttered toast, or on pancakes.

So it is Monday.  I have a nice day at work today, just putting the last touches on tomorrow's presentation to Governing Body.   I have one meeting and it isn't until 3 p.m.  I may try to see if I can get out to a noon (AA) meeting.   I have my hour of prayer at church after work, and then Biblical School tonight.

I am grateful to be sober and alive and healthy and happy. 

And so begins another start to another sober week, care to join me?

Real People

Interfere with my blogging life. A lot of real people in my life this weekend. And although that is good, it is keeping me from blogging!  Well, and the 40 lbs. of apples didn't help either.  

Yesterday morning, my sponsee showed up here at about 6:45 a.m., and we headed across town to my home group.  It was really wonderful to be there, and to bring her with me.  I felt bad for her because people assumed she was new because they never saw her before, and she was with me, and I guess it just looked that way.  I don't think it bothered her.  But she is hardly new.  She has been in and around AA for over 8 years, but sober this time (and for good, I hope) since January 2007.  The meeting was good, really focused on recovery, program, steps, honesty, etc.  Not like the happy horsesh** meetings, about how wonderful we all are because we have new cars, houses, wives, and husbands.  

On the way home, we stopped at my favorite farmer's market in the universe.  She had never been there before.  I was shocked to see how different it looks in late October than it does in August.  We were the only customers, and there wasn't much inventory.  But I got a huge, bulging box of apples for $15.  So I have spent the weekend, between other things, making apple butter.  It is yummy and my house smells like heaven.  I still have one more batch on the stove now.  Apple butter takes a long time to make.  

My little grandbabies are here this weekend.  They are off to the museum with their aunt right now.  So I have a few minutes.  This morning I escaped the house for a while to run 6 miles.  The 6 miles were wonderful.  47º and windy, which felt cold at the start, but torrid by the time I finished.

Let's see, what else have I done this weekend?  Yesterday I raked what should be almost the last of the leaves on the lawn.   My neighbor and I worked for a couple of hours and got it knocked out.  It was fun.  I went to church last night.  The Pastor of my church gave a sermon about not being able in good conscience to ask for more money, he would be very grateful if people could just continue doing what they are currently doing - if they can - in this economy. It made me cry.  I have never heard such a message from the pulpit. And it confirmed for me that I made the right choice when I changed churches this year.  Today I ran to the grocery store with wet hair and no make-up after my run.  I told my daughter I would surely run into someone I know if I went out looking like that, and sure 'nuff, I did.  An old AA friend.  We stood and talked for a while.  It was nice.  But after I told her that I am training for a half marathon and getting to 4 or 5 meetings a week, she asked me if I am retired!?!  (she said she didn't have time to do all that)  But the message to me?  Do Not Leave The House Without Make-up Again.  Ever.  

So, I have my little laptop here, I am sitting on a gel hotpack on the sofa (my left hip is starting to bother me from running), and watching football.  I am going to take a nap in a moment, while the football game drones on, singing me to sleep.  

It is all just so nice and ordinary.  I am so grateful for any moments that are just ordinary.  It beats the heck out of the high drama I lived for so many years.  

Sobriety has been bery bery good to me.  

Saturday Morning

It is Saturday morning. My daughter and granddaughter are still asleep downstairs. I have had a cup of coffee and my morning prayer. I am waiting for a sponsee to get here and then I am taking her to a meeting at my old homegroup. If something fabulous happens, I may post later. For now...

Let's just stay sober today, OK?

Friday Morning

A photo from the trail I was running on yesterday

You know, it is hard to say I am not running this morning.  Today is not supposed to be a running day, but I feel so good I want to get out and run.  So my inner voice says:  

"Mary, get your running gear and get out there.  It is 48º outside already and there won't be many mornings this perfect to run for a long while." 

"But Mary, you are feeling good, so it is tempting to run, but you are NOT injured, and you should endeavor to keep it that way.  You have had pain most of the time for almost 2 years, much of it caused from over-training.  You should be careful not to over-train!"

"But I have to train for my half-marathon in January!"

"You are not injured and it is important to keep it that way!"

The Mary who does not want to be injured won this morning.  I looked back in my training log to see what I have done before successful races, and I am doing just about the right kind of training.  I am only up to 6 miles on my long runs, but I am certain I can get that back up to 13 miles without pushing it.  

I am certain that today will be a wonderful day at work.  Many of the managers who work in offices near mine have taken today off, it will be quiet and I can get a LOT of work done.  I am looking forward to it.  At noon, I am meeting with one of my favorite work friends, who is serving a lunch of green chile, salad, and tortillas while we work!

The grandbabies will be spending the weekend here with my daughter (their aunt) and myself.  It is nice to have them here when it is not just me.  When I am the only adult it makes me so tired I despair.  But with two of us, we can still do stuff and keep the little ones entertained.  

I am greatly looking forward to it.  It is so nice to feel that way when you wake up in the morning.  Looking forward.  Feeling happy.  It is good.  

23º morning run

It is 23º, and my run this morning was absolutely glorious!  I think I love cold weather, but don't quote me on that in the middle of February.  I woke up late, but then still did everything I normally do. So I am sitting here, dripping sweat, in my running clothes, and I need to be at work right now!!!

On my way back from my run, I dropped by my neighbor's garden to take some pictures of her roses.  She has a beautiful rose garden, but after a 20º night, they won't be beautiful by the end of today.  

And a really cool thing?  My neighbor is my friend.  She trusts me and would never mind me coming into her yard - we stand in our front yards and talk when we get home from work almost every night.   It is a wonderful thing to be a person other people can trust.

Gotta Go!

Fully Engaged

I just wrote and erased all the things that have me sort of frantically busy right now.  It just really doesn't matter.  I am too busy, but it shall ease up next week.  There were long stretches in my life when I was not employed, I guess I get to make up for that now.

This election needs to be over.  Now even when I go to the sitemeter for my blog, there is the smiling face of one of the candidates... the one I am not voting for.  Yesterday in my interim performance evaluation, my boss started carrying on about the "bad" candidate - the one I am voting for.  I bit my tongue, and he knew it... he has been my boss for 7 years - and he is a psychiatrist.  Oh, and he said I am doing "a great job."

I guess I will get dressed and get back to doing my great job...

Let's stay sober today, OK?

Tuesday

Yesterday I happened to show up at the 6:30 a.m. meeting for my friend Dick's 39th AA birthday.  What a wonderful thing that was!  I didn't know he would be celebrating there.  Most of the people at the meeting said things like "well, I won't live long enough to be sober for 39 years..."  and I kind of felt bad for them.  Dick has been sober over half of his natural life, and every time he shares, he says it just keeps getting better and better.  

I am a lucky one who got to AA at 32 beat up and desperate enough to grab onto the program with all I have, and with the help of God, I have not had a drink of alcohol since then.  I have now been sober 43% of my life, and I hope to live a long life, and stay sober for the rest of it.  One day at a time...

It's another busy day today.  I have a quarterly presentation to give next Tuesday, and after that I should get some breathing space.  I need some!

Monday Morning

The photo is from my run yesterday.  Most of the trail is along a creek.  I wish I could somehow capture the perfume of this trail and send it to you.  It is wonderful.

Today I will be busy from long before the sun comes up until long after it goes down.  I will start my day with my new meditation practice, then an AA meeting, then work all day, an hour of silent prayer at church after work, and then Biblical School.  

Though I had such a busy weekend and I never got a moment of "down" time, I am still looking forward to today.  I really do appreciate how nice my life is, even though it is a bit too crowded with activity.

Let's start another sober week, OK?

Sunday Afternoon

I am a little bit late to post today.  The class yesterday was awesome and I now will be spending 40 minutes each day in meditation.  It is different from what I was doing, and I think it will have a big impact on my life.  

I went for a 6 mile run this morning and had technical difficulties with my Nike + iPod, which I tried to address, so I was stopping a lot in an effort to get it to work right. I finally gave up.  But I didn't get home until after 12:00 p.m.  My son was already here, and had put the pasta on... I had already made sauce and it was simmering on the stove.  So, I had a table full of family at lunch today.  The girls wanted to "rake" after lunch, so I let them.  I have never left the leaves laying around for this long, but I am too busy/tired to rake them.  Some time this week... sure.

I am busy, I am tired, but I feel good.  I have that peaceful feeling in my heart, which I wouldn't trade for anything.  

Saturday Morning

It is a beautiful autumn morning.  To be followed by a beautiful autumn day.  It is supposed to get into the mid 70's this afternoon, which is a bit too warm for me.  But the leaves are in their glory and this place is just gorgeous! (the photo is from my run last Sunday - it was raining and overcast - today should be sunny.)

Today I am going to a one day retreat on contemplative prayer.  The keynote speaker is a man whose work I have followed and admired for a very long time. I  am quite excited about getting to see him in person and I hope to learn a lot.  

I took a mini-tour of some blogs this morning.  I don't believe I left one comment on any of them!  I am struck by the difference between people who have decided they are not going to drink anymore, dammit!  And those who have reached a bottom and have humbly asked for help.  Maybe it is a question of approaches, maybe a question of bottoms, maybe a question of personal temperament.  I think until you reach that bottom and humbly admit that you are unable to conquer alcohol, you have little chance of recovery.  Self-will is not the answer - if it was, we would have quit drinking on our own years before we caused the destruction we did.  

Thanks to the grace of a loving God, I was led to the welcoming arms of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous - and there you gently took me and put me back together.  Thank you!  

Driving Day

I am driving about a hundred miles to a town south of here for a meeting today.  I will spend the day revising policies.  This is not my idea of a good time.  And I won't even have the ability to check on my blog to post and reject comments.  

Somebody wrote to me yesterday about being afraid to go to her first AA meeting.  When she looked online for meetings, she saw all kinds of acronyms and abbreviations she didn't understand.  I wrote back and tried to explain all the kinds of meetings I could imagine - and explained what they might be.  She wrote later and told me she went to her first meeting - she will go to another one today.  I am so happy for her.  I pray that this is her new start in life.  A life without alcohol.  An honest life.  No more feeling that awful ache of loneliness and shame.  

What struck me as I wrote to her is that she could call her local AA number and that there would be a person just like me in her very own neighborhood who would be happy to take her to a meeting.  There are recovering alcoholics in every city and town across the United States (I can't speak for the rest of the world because I haven't been there).  A very important part of our recovery is helping others.   A couple of us blog so we are pretty public.  Most of us are happy to be humbly anonymous.  You don't have to travel far to find us.... we are there in your very own neighborhood.  

I will be one traveling sober alcoholic today.  Let's all stay sober no matter where we are, OK?

Excitement!

I have registered to run a half-marathon in Phoenix in January.  I have booked a room at the above hotel.  I will book my flights today.  I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.

I was just about to register for the race yesterday when I decided that I really could talk to my sponsor about it.  When I told her I was hesitant to spend the money, she just said "Hell, you spend more than that on one outfit!"  Well, she does have a point...

So I will spend the next few months training for a half-marathon.  And I have to say, if you are not a runner and you think I am taking half measures, try running 13.1 miles and see if you think that is HALF of anything!  For a 57 year old woman (which I will be in January), that is a long way to go.  And I am happy and grateful to go there.  (I tried training for a full marathon last year, and ended up so injured I am still not right.)

I have excitement in my heart about this race!  

Nothin'

Did you see the last episode of Seinfeld?  The one where they ran out of things to say to each other?  That's how I feel this morning.  

I wanted to rail about an ignorant comment I got yesterday.  I went to the blog of the person who left it and found a public/virtual/electronic suicide note.  What on earth?  Do I have a responsibility to contact the authorities?  I have no clue who this person is or where they even are.  But I feel like I am failing to do what I should do.  

I think if you leave a suicide note on a blog - your computer should automatically disintegrate.  You do not deserve to have a computer or a blog anymore.  You make anyone who stumbles onto your blog a co-conspirator in your death.  And you know what?  THAT IS NOT OK.

I have been visiting the blog of a person who went to his first meeting last week.  And then he went to a meeting on Saturday.  He was hurt by some of the comments we left him.  And he has not posted since.  I was worried about him for a day or so.  I am done now.  Most drunks never sober up, and the big book tells us not to pursue them.   Unfortunately, the fool under the hill found him and posted many insane comments.  Oh well.  The price of blogging.

Some days the world does not look like a nice place, and I am afraid this is one of them.  I will go out and run and I bet by the time I have finished my 4 miles I will have a different attitude.

Happy Tuesday Morning

This the new color of my bathroom.  It doesn't look like much of a color here, but it is really warm and pretty.   (if you look closely at the photo, you will see that I am not such a good painter, oh well.)

I am so excited this morning.  I have been thinking about running a half-marathon in January, and I think I have arrived at a plan.  We shall see.  I do know that training for a half-marathon will keep me running through the challenging months ahead, which will help my sanity.  I am heading into a heavy work time.  Every three years I spend at least 6 months preparing for "The Big Event" of my job.  Normally, I gain about 20 lbs. as I prepare for this event because I work so many hours, I skip meals and when I skip meals I gain weight at an alarming rate.  If I am running 20 miles a week, I will HAVE to eat regularly.  I will also HAVE to not work 3,000 hours a week.  

I am looking forward to getting back to work this morning.  So I better get to it.  

Let's all stay sober today, OK?