Post #891

Yesterday I came home from church and decided I was not only tired but had a headache and felt generally unwell. So I stayed home from work. I went back to bed and was having many dreams of my upcoming trip to Alaska... including being at some sort of lodge with my nephew and other relatives, there were grills in front of the lodge, and I was waiting for lunch. In my real world, the phone rang and in my sleepiness, I answered it. It was my former boyfriend, and I sleepily told him I was dreaming about hot dogs. Hot dogs cooking on a grill and I was waiting for my bun to be just right... and then I realized how pornographic that sounded. He thought so too. Oh, in my dream those hot dogs just looked so good, I thought about them all day - in a purely food way. Not that hot dogs are pure food - and that is probably why I seldom, in reality, eat them.

I crossed a couple of lines yesterday on my blog. I deleted some of it. Some of it was comments on another's blog and I left them there, but apologized. And of course, the apology was used as another way to slam me.

You know what? I am really tired. My life is feeling a bit overwhelming. It is a good life, but I am tired. Tomorrow is my last day of school for this semester and I am really really really glad.

• I think that teaching is the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. (Scott, this is another of my friends malapropisms, "sort of speak.")
  
• My daughter is running wild and no one will let her take my granddaughters anymore... she goes crazy every February and March... I have no idea why.
  
• I am training for a marathon, which is physically and mentally beneficial, but tiring.
• Tonight I am taking my daughters out to the Ethiopian Restaurant for their birthday dinner - a first, I am not cooking - this makes me sad, but I have no choice right now.
• Work has turned into a perpetual nightmare and isn't expected to change much soon.

Thanks for listening. Phew. I feel better now.

Thursday Morning

It is now 52 weeks that I have managed to get to church by 5 a.m., to sit for an hour in quiet prayer. Oh, how I love this time. This morning, however, was the first time that the alarm didn't wake me immediately. I am such a light sleeper that I set the alarm clock on very very quiet music, and it normally wakes me at the first note. This morning, I woke up after the music had been playing for 3 minutes. I think this speaks to how overwhelmingly tired I am.

There is nothing huge on my horizon today. I need to make my reservations for my Alaska trip and will probably do that today. It is so hard to figure out what to do in a place you have never been and don't know what you'll love about it. I will likely book a train trip (for the day after my marathon) from Anchorage to Denali, stay two nights at Denali (Mt. McKinley), and come back to Anchorage. My nephew wants to do some cool stuff, like a fishing charter, back around Anchorage, so after a few days away, I will come back to his house. And I will get to go to AA meetings with my beloved nephew! It just all sounds too fantastic to believe. I have wanted to go to Alaska all my life. I spent most of last evening looking at websites of places to go. This is the kind of "problem" I like to have!

I better get going.

trickery

Sometimes I have to do whatever I can do to trick myself into feeling better. I was so discouraged yesterday about many things, but what really fed it was that I woke up too late to take a run. Running is my anti-depressant. It helps me physically, emotionally, and mentally. When I am not getting exercise, I tend to fall into traps of thinking that lead me into unhappiness.

At a little after 11 o'clock yesterday, I realized that I didn't need to be anywhere for an hour or so, so I drove home, put on my running clothes and went out for a three mile run. Oh, it was glorious. The sun was shining, it was in the 40ºs, and I was outdoors! At noon! It was great. I then came back home, cooled off a bit, and threw my work clothes back on and went back to work. Now, I didn't look absolutely terrific, but I don't really care. It was a great break in my day, and I didn't mind staying at work till 6:00 because I had already taken care of myself that day.

I am going to go to the 6:30 meeting this morning. Something came up on my blog yesterday that I would like to write about, but it would more time than I have this morning. I should keep a little log of items I want to write about, because I do forget about them.

Let's stay sober another day, shall we?

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

I am again having sleeping difficulty - I was up half the night and then slept until 6:30 a.m. -which is crazy late for me. I have no time for a run - even if the streets and sidewalks were not coated in an inch or two of ice... which they are.

Yesterday I told one of my co-workers about the situation with my daughter and granddaughters. When I saw the horror on her face, I realized that once again I have become accustomed to a reality that is almost too terrible to consider. She asked me, "how long have you been going through this?" and I said "oh, a year, I guess." Really, I felt like a moron who doesn't have the sense to care about her daughter and granddaughters. I do care, very deeply. But I also know that I cannot make my daughter quit using meth. I cannot make life OK for my granddaughters... they are being cared for by their father and grandfather (my ex). If I were a millionaire, I would take both of the grandchildren, quit my job, and raise another set of children. As it is, I am peddling as fast as I can to support myself, pay off my student loans, and build a retirement so that I am not a burden on my children in my old age. That sounds selfish, but I don't think it is.

I find that life is not black and white, good and bad. I find that it is a mixed bag. Sometimes it depends on which side of the bed I get up on... and then I can go back to the drawing board and start it all over again. I have been to hell and back with this daughter - since 1993. Can I live my entire life being consumed with worry and grief? no. I will not. But throw grandchildren in the mix and the worry really becomes, well, worrisome.

Anyway, I sit in AA meetings and listen to people say they have "broken the cycle" and their children will not have a problem because they got sober "in time." And I just smile.

I guess I am fortunate that I have no occasion to sit back and be satisfied with myself. I can be grateful to God for whatever blessings he has given me - like my sobriety. But to feel that I have accomplished something - when so many can't - would just be rude and ungrateful to God - I think.

Misery

Misery is what I did this past weekend. I woke up this morning without the headache and I am so very grateful for that. I wish I still had a day off to enjoy though. Yesterday it the temperature was over 60º, it was sunny and beautiful, and I spent the day on the sofa. Oh well. Last night I woke up and heard a strange sound - it was rain! Rain in February is rare here in Colorado - our winter precipitation is snow. I love the sound of rain, it was very nice.

Last evening, I tried to watch the Acadamy Awards (via telephone) with my former b.f., and current friend. I didn't even feel well enough to do that. We watched it "together" last year and I really enjoyed his commentary. I guess everything changes. That relationship certainly did. Once again, I can thank God that things did not work out the way I wanted. If I had gotten my way, I would be stuck married to a man from whom I would have to be considering a divorce. Oh, please, I never want to do that again!

This morning I am meeting a sponsee at the 6:30 meeting and then we will do the 3rd step. Oh, how I love the 3rd step. Then I shall work all day. Then I shall go to Biblical School tonight.

It will be another good day to stay sober.

Migraine

Thank you for your concern. I have a migraine. It is one of the worst I have ever had. I managed to run 8 miles yesterday, then came home and went to bed. As soon as I fell asleep, the Fraternal Order of Police called to ask for a donation, when I said I had a migraine, the young earnest man said "Oh, this will only take a second." I hung up on him... I haven't hung up on anyone in years. I never went back to sleep. I did go to church last night, I thought it might be soothing in a way to sit in a quiet place with a community of people. It was.

When I came home from church, I layed in bed and prayed not to throw up. I managed to fall asleep without vomiting. I was up in the night and took some more motrin. This morning I didn't wake up until 6:30, disappointed to still have the headache. But I threw on some clothes and went to the 6:30 meeting - late.

Then I went out for coffee with the ladies. One of my beloved sponsees, who is a nurse, told me to get Exedrin Migraine... so I did. Now I hope it works.

A couple of people, including one of my favorite bloggers, have suggested that I am getting the flu - I don't know what is going on. I just know that this headache is one of the worst I have ever had, and I am sicker than usual from it. So, who knows?

Sorry to be so self-centered today. It is hard to see outside of yourself when your head feels like a painful prison.

Saturday Afternoon

This is a picture from my run this morning. Although I felt like crap, I managed to run 8 miles. In record (slow) time. I then went to the grocery store and felt like I was going to be sick... it felt so much like a hangover - headache and nausea.

I woke up with the headache in the middle of the night and prayed it would go away. I got up early, ate a bowl of cereal and took some motrin - then I went to the 6:30 meeting. Hoping the headache would go away, but it didn't. I drove "to" my favorite park to run in, and drove around for almost an hour - and couldn't find it. This was disconcerting as I have lived in this town for almost 24 years and have gone to this park for that long... oh well. My head hurts so bad I am having cognitive impairment.. Anyway, I just drove to a park I knew I could find and ran my 8 miles.

Now I am going to make a chicken salad sandwich with the chicken I just bought at the store... and I am going to bed.

And I am planning on staying sober today. Which is more than I can say for some of the folks who were at the meeting this morning. I hate to see people I like go out and drink. Hate it, hate it, hate it. We had a great conversation after the meeting, if I weren't so sick, I would write about it. Maybe tomorrow.

Friday Miscellanea

It is Friday Morning and I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time. Something changed at work on Wednesday when I wrote that prayer. Just a simple "God help me." And it changed. Not that everything has turned rosey, but I feel different. I am not dreading going to work today and that is very different.

Last night a friend and I went to see "Spirit of the Marathon." It was an awesome movie. Very inspiring. I am psyched about running right now - even though today is not a running day for me. But I will get out there tomorrow!

Lips: What the hell is going on? For years, I have noticed on magazines that women have voluntarily mutilated their faces with these huge, puffy, lumpy, meaty looking lip implants. Now I am beginning to see these strange lips on actual people in my real world. I had a meeting the other day with a woman I have worked with since 1994. Imagine my surprise to see her suddenly have "pouty" lips. She is a woman who is somewhere around 50 years old. She has age spots! And now she has this strange expression on her face like someone just smacked her in the mouth - or she just had a car accident and hit the windshield - lips first. Ick. I don't get it.

Okay. How is that for straying far from the point of this blog?

Let's all stay sober today, OK?

Thursday Morning

Yesterday was a better day at work. I was sitting in a highly charged, contentious meeting at work. I took my pad of paper, turned up some edges so that I was in the middle of the pad, and wrote "God, please help me!" The man next to me, who is my boss' boss, read it and much to my dismay, and whispered to me, "if you have a better idea, tell us what it is!"

After the meeting, I caught him in the hall and tried to explain that I was NOT writing a note to him, that my little note was meant to be a prayer. He asked me to come to his office and we chatted for a while, and I got to say and hear a bunch of stuff that needed to be said and heard. And he told me "don't worry," and he told me "I am glad you take your job so personally."

So now I am off to pray. One hour of silent prayer should be a good thing for me this morning.

Post #882

Gosh, I have been doing this blogging stuff for a while now, haven't I? I have seen a lot of people come and go in that time. Some bloggers I hope will stick around forever, and some I wait for that day when they are just a little bit too bored to keep on - as most bloggers do.

Yesterday morning I was feeling horrible. Work continues to get a little worse each week. It is extremely difficult. We are in a terrible situation, and unfortunately, that brings out the worst in people. I got a little sign for my door that says "Scatter kindness". I don't know what good that will do, but remind people (or me?) to just be kind. I went and saw a priest at lunch time for something that could be the subject of another whole post - and probably will be in the future - and on the way back, I bought cupcakes (with sprinkles) for my co-workers. I thought maybe a fattening treat would be a nice gesture. Little tiny gestures can sometimes make the difference in a person's day. I will endeavor to make as many kind gestures as I can, because it is damn ugly there right now.

I did run yesterday morning and this morning I did a new abs workout. I don't like it, but it hurts, so it must be good, right?

Gotta get ready for my day. You all have a nice one, OK?

Tuesday Back to Work

I am going to go out and run TODAY. I didn't ever get around to it yesterday. I did, however, go swimming - which was nice. But today, I am going to run. Really.

Yesterday I had several revelations I could have written about here, but can I think of any this morning? no.

My little corner of the world looks pretty good this morning. I wish it was spring. But the sun is shining, the clouds are few and pink. It is over 20 º, which is my cut-off for running. So I will go hit it. Sorry I have nothing to say today. (Thanks to Scott W. for telling me how to make a degree sign!)
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Sorry, I have been forced to use comment moderation again. I refuse to allow my blog to be used as a platform for hateful, insane, hyperreligious hyperbole.

Presidents' Day

I get this Monday holiday off, and I am extremely grateful for that today. I need a day off. I wish I had nothing to do, but alas, that is not my story. But at least I have no where I have to be until 7 o'clock tonight.

Yesterday I got to see one of my nephews. He was in town to visit with his wife's sister. I invited them over for a Sunday dinner. I ended up with nine people here for dinner - with an hour and a half to figure out what to cook and cook it. I managed to get it all done before they walked in the door and we had a fabulous time. It was great to see my little house so full of people.

I just went to my 6:30 a.m. meeting and then met with a sponsee afterward. It was lovely.

Now I need to go out in the cold morning and run. I SO don't want to. I do not know how to get my motivation back - it is simply gone. My back hurts and I want to go back to bed, not go out and run.

Snowing

I was sitting in a 6:30 meeting this morning, and looked out the window and saw (another) freaking blizzard. My plan for today WAS to go to the meeting and then run for the first time since February 6. But it is snowing.

So I went out for a bagel with the girls. We took up the whole back room of a bagel joint. It was so nice. I think there were 12 of us there.

So here is my question du jour. A woman who has been in and out and in and out and in and out over the last three years has been doing very well for about the last month. She looks and sounds different than she did - you know that magic you see in a person... it is wonderful. Another woman recently drank and was talking about her fear about raising her hand and being honest about her relapse. The older "slipper" told her not to worry about what others thought, and said "F*** them if they can't take a joke." Another member, sober now 6 years and the self-appointed expert on any subject, who annoys me a little more each day, got all over her. Told her that Alcoholism isn't a joke and she should stop thinking it is.... on and on... she browbeat this poor woman. Another older woman and I intervened on her behalf -but the other person would NOT drop it.

So on the way out of the restaurant I wanted to talk to Ms. 6 years-expert-of-the-world and tell her to stop browbeating newcomers. My friend encouraged me to do so. But I thought I better sit on it for at least a day. I am tired and not really in the best place, I am not sure I would be able to deliver this message with love. In fact, I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to.

Why can't we just be loving of one another? Why can't we just let newcomers be who they are? Why can't we just be on the same level playing field? No one is the expert in AA... we are all just sober, by the Grace of God, for today. Period. Why do we have to lord it over others?

In the words of one of my favorite philosophers:
"Can we all get along?"
Rodney King - May 1, 1992

Friday Night

I thought I would try something radical and post at night instead of the morning. I have school tomorrow. I am a tad resentful about this. I want a weekend off. I want to go to the meeting tomorrow morning. I am also very conflicted about all of this. I wanted to teach. I was excited about it. I actually like it - when I am there. But I don't like adding another day of work to my week.

I just went to a potluck dinner with the women of my AA group. It was fun. It was nice to sit around on a Friday night with so many people I love. Don't get the wrong idea - some of them I am not really that fond of, but I really really love them.

One of them told me tonight that a new guy said today that he really wishes I was at the meeting more often (that makes at least 2 of us!) because he always gets so much out of what I say in the meeting. My friend offered that I am hysterically funny about 80% of the time, and the other 20% of the time things suck. She said that is how she can tell that the 80% is the real truth. That was high praise.

I don't think my funnyness comes through in this blog. That is always the first thing that people notice about me - my sense of humor. So I have found through this blog that I am OK without much humor. That is good news.

I am a tired, worn out sober alcoholic woman. I am a runner who hasn't run in 10 days. I have not been to a meeting since Monday. I have a long distance relationship I don't talk about - but due to weather I haven't seen him since Christmas Day.

But as I said this morning, This Too Shall Pass.

Time Problems

I have been late for work every day this week. I am entirely sure I will be very late again today. I didn't wake up until 6:30. I am sitting here, thinking - gee I really need to get a move on... but here I sit. I did this yesterday. I am a salaried employee and it really does not matter that I am not there at the crack of 8:00 a.m., but still, it bothers me. And let me hasten to assure you that I put in more than 40 hours each week. But still, I COULD get there on time - if I really wanted to, and apparently I don't.

I am feeling really tired and I don't want to go to work today. I especially don't want to spend all day tomorrow in a classroom. I just want to sit and do nothing. Maybe take a run in the cold morning sun, but there is not time. This too shall pass...

Key Lime Pie

Last night as I was preparing to make several key lime pies, I thought it looked so pretty, I took a picture. I really miss HNT. I realize there is no naked body part, so it isn't HNT, and that is why I stopped participating in HNT. It turned into photos of dogs, no human body parts, no interesting, creative posing, just dogs.
UPDATE: I posted a photo on the OLD HNT site. http://half-naaked.blogspot.com/

Anyway, as I was baking these pies (for a Valentine's Day potluck at work today), I remembered my very first day of sobriety. I was waiting to go to my first meeting. I was quite sick. I was worried that my husband would be mad at me, so I decided to make a key lime pie. I must have thrown away a dozen eggs. On that day, I just could not get the concept of egg whites in one bowl and yolks in the other, so I kept mixing them up. Then I would throw them away, and start over.... again and again.

I am grateful that today I can coordinate a complex procedure such as separating egg whites from egg yolks. Life is so much easier without being drunk or hungover. It is amazing to me that I managed to drink like a fish for 18 years. What a nightmare.

I am now off to church in a blizzard. It is scary out there.

Happy Valentine's Day to all my sweetest blogging friends.

Rigorous Honesty

What does Rigorous Honesty mean to you?

Yesterday a sponsee called with a problem. She did something she wasn't supposed to do. She asked me if she had to tell her boss. I urged her to pray for God's guidance and the strength to carry it out. I did tell her that I thought she probably needed to come clean with her boss, even though she may lose her job, because the path to dishonesty is one of small incremental dishonesty. Lies of omission. Just tweaking the truth. Telling a "white" lie. Just telling a little lie. Then telling a bigger lie. Then because you got away with the lie, telling more lies. And then needing a little drink because you feel so bad about yourself.

I remember when I was in my first year of sobriety, I worked at a large insurance brokerage firm. I worked in "small accounts." They were mostly lawyers. I had to call a lawyer one Friday afternoon and tell him that I had made a huge mistake on his policy, and it had pretty serious consequences for him. He told me that he appreciated my honesty, but what the hell was I going to do about it? He was not nice. I went to a meeting that night and told my group that this 'rigorous honesty' crap was a bunch of nonsense. It didn't work in the real world. You couldn't go around admitting you were wrong in business - especially with lawyers!

I got the problem with his account worked out in the next week. And about a week later, the CEO of the company brought me a copy of a letter the lawyer had written to him. He wrote a letter to the CEO about how wonderful I was! He appreciated my honesty and my work to get my error straightened out! I took the letter and made a reduced size copy, until it was about the size of a business card, I laminated it, and put it in my wallet. I carried that thing around with me for years as a reminder that rigorous honesty does work in the real world!

The price of dishonesty is too high for alcoholics. People at work are sometimes dismayed at the fact that I will admit when I am wrong. I will even take my share of responsibility when others are wrong. It has lately not served me well. I don't care. The price of doing otherwise is my life.

What does rigorous honestly mean to you?

Tuesday Morning

The photo is only to remind me that things WILL unfreeze, trees will bloom again, and I will again be able to take a bike ride at Waterton Canyon. I will, I tell you, I will! It also serves as a reminder to be grateful that my new cell phone has a 2 megapixel camera, so now when I take photos from my runs and bike rides, they will be of a higher quality than the one above.

I also just have to say that it appears that I am being scapegoated at work. I hate to utter those words because I have been working at the same place for 13 and a half years, and for most of that time I have loved it. Right now I am not loving it. Every day I have to remind myself that if I get my ego out of the way, I will be just fine. I know what the truth is and that is all that matters. I know that I am competent and hard-working. If I am a convenient target, I can just tell the truth in the least defensive way possible. And know in my heart, deeply in my soul, that God has me firmly in his hand.

It is very tiring though.

"We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 55

Feelin' Fine

I am so glad I took Friday off because I feel fine today. It took me three days of doing virtually nothing to get to feeling fine. This week, I have Biblical School tonight, and the remaining nights, I have not one thing planned. I am meeting with a sponsee who just started a new job and can no longer come over in the evening... so we are meeting at the 6:30 meeting this morning.

I am so excited about having "nothing" to do this week! Yippeeee!

I can see that I seriously need a vacation, when even three days off gives me a new perspective. Work has been incredibly difficult. I have had too many women to sponsor. I find teaching satisfying, but extremely exhausting - I am not sure I think it is worth it. Training for a marathon is pretty tiring for a 56 year old woman. In other words, I am really, really tired.

So today I will go meet my sponsee. We will read Chapter 3, More About Alcoholism, and discuss as we go. I will go to work and try to give it 100% of my attention, my skills, and my abilities. I will go to Biblical School tonight and get filled back up. It is wonderful to sit there and see this mysterious book come to life for me. It is truly life altering and very very nurturing.

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 43

What hope looks like to me:

Do you see the tiny little tulip bud just below the snow? That thing is springing out of the ground in the faith, against all evidence, that it will be spring again, and it will have sunshine and all that it needs to survive.
A hummingbird nest in the tree in front of my house... it hopefully awaits the return of those beautiful little birds in the spring.

Winter is a hard time in Colorado. The beginning of it is always joyful for me. But around this time of the year, it is just dark, depressing, and difficult. It is difficult to run. It is impossible to ride a bike. It is too much trouble to go swimming (even indoors.)

I know that the day will again come when this dreary feeling will be gone. My neighbor and I just stood outside and made our plans for our annual trip to the greenhouse - to purchase our flowers, plants, maybe even a tree! The trip isn't until the first weekend in May, but we both look forward to it - even though it is nearly 3 months away.

I slept until 7:30 this morning. I never sleep this late. The phone rang and I spent over an hour talking with a good friend who is going through a difficult time. God Bless Him.

I am feeling much better, and it is sunshiney and in the 50s outside, so I am fighting the urge to go outside and run. But I am going to force myself to wait until Tuesday. I will be more careful in my running now. I do not want to have this kind of pain again, it was unpleasant!

And I want to thank the few bloggers who continue to comment on my blog. I do appreciate you.