Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

I am again having sleeping difficulty - I was up half the night and then slept until 6:30 a.m. -which is crazy late for me. I have no time for a run - even if the streets and sidewalks were not coated in an inch or two of ice... which they are.

Yesterday I told one of my co-workers about the situation with my daughter and granddaughters. When I saw the horror on her face, I realized that once again I have become accustomed to a reality that is almost too terrible to consider. She asked me, "how long have you been going through this?" and I said "oh, a year, I guess." Really, I felt like a moron who doesn't have the sense to care about her daughter and granddaughters. I do care, very deeply. But I also know that I cannot make my daughter quit using meth. I cannot make life OK for my granddaughters... they are being cared for by their father and grandfather (my ex). If I were a millionaire, I would take both of the grandchildren, quit my job, and raise another set of children. As it is, I am peddling as fast as I can to support myself, pay off my student loans, and build a retirement so that I am not a burden on my children in my old age. That sounds selfish, but I don't think it is.

I find that life is not black and white, good and bad. I find that it is a mixed bag. Sometimes it depends on which side of the bed I get up on... and then I can go back to the drawing board and start it all over again. I have been to hell and back with this daughter - since 1993. Can I live my entire life being consumed with worry and grief? no. I will not. But throw grandchildren in the mix and the worry really becomes, well, worrisome.

Anyway, I sit in AA meetings and listen to people say they have "broken the cycle" and their children will not have a problem because they got sober "in time." And I just smile.

I guess I am fortunate that I have no occasion to sit back and be satisfied with myself. I can be grateful to God for whatever blessings he has given me - like my sobriety. But to feel that I have accomplished something - when so many can't - would just be rude and ungrateful to God - I think.

9 comments:

Scott W said...

We all have a day at a time, no more, no less. But fill that day with self delusion and that certainly changes the mix. There is something about the wisdom to know the difference, eh?

Anonymous said...

Ms. Anon : thank you for your blog, today is the first day I ever read your page and I just want to say thank you for your insight. I came online this morning to search for 'how to talk to an alcoholic' and your blog came up on google. How to be in recovery and let go of those who may not ever get the gift ? Grappling with this subject has been the theme for my nearly three years of blessed sobriety. I too set off today , grateful for another beautiful sober day, aware of a sad little place in my heart for the other alcoholics...even those that haven't yet had a drink: the children. Thanks,Alice

Rob N. said...

Sounds like you've got a handle on a very trying situation. Still, your seat in AA doesn't preclude you from visiting ALANON, should the need become pronounced. They are the experts at handling us, especially when you consider the close emotional attachment of dealing with a family member.

Peace.

Mary L A said...

Such a painful situation -- my heart goes out to you. Hope the migraine has cleared up.

Syd said...

It sounds like a worrisome situation but one that you have the tools and faith to face.

dAAve said...

I don't totally agree. I think you have accomplished a lot, especially since you became a sober alcoholic. Your life today would not be as full or diversive without the actions you have taken. You are involved in the lives of your family without trying to control those lives. You have a long-time job, a home, an education and now you teach, you are in great physical shape etc etc etc...
It's rhough a faith in your HP that those things have become possible.

sober Chick said...

I don't understand why this illness is so easy to fall prey to. It is so miserable to be in and so many become entranced from it.

From your experiences and Faith you are touching and helping others in similar situations (in this post only, I can only imagine what happens outside this post). Perhaps the message to your daughter will be provided to her from a different source.

Your courage is bright and solid. Wow.

Anonymous said...

MC, Keep doing what you're doing. Your willingness to share is deeply appreciated and admired. The best thing you can do is be a powerful example to those children and grands.

With prayers,

Scott C in the Land of Cleves

Zane-nawwaa said...

MC, just keep being the example you are and continue to trudge and grow. That is what makes you what you are today. That's why I stop by often.