Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Mittwockmorgen

This is a photo from a walk around the Garden of the Gods - my daughter and I decided to take a hike when we learned that the homecoming ceremony on Sunday would be delayed and we had 5 hours to kill. It was really quite beautiful. I had only been there once before, and I had been so angry that day I failed to admire the scenery.

Yesterday I went to the 6:30 meeting which was really a great meeting. I try not to rate meetings because then some of them would have to suck, but this one was really stellar. Then I took a 4 mile run in the heat and came home and did nothing for the rest of the day. I even unplugged my phone - which I never do. I was tired. I continue to be tired. It is 7 a.m. now, I am still sitting in my jammies, it was a work-out day and I didn't even do that! I will get to work, but I wish I could take the rest of the week off. I am just wiped out.

I feel like over the last year, it has taken every ounce of energy I had to not let my mind go to bad places. I would wake up in the night in a panic that my son was flying a helicopter over Iraq on a daily basis. I would have a feeling that I had to get over there and MAKE him come home! Then I would pray and try to relax enough to go back to sleep. When people would call and ask me "how's your son", my stomach would drop and I would ask "WHY?" - because I would instantly assume that they knew something I didn't. I would hear another helicopter was shot down, and I would be expecting two uniformed men at any moment, walking up to my front door to tell me "the news." I would start planning a funeral. For all of these thoughts, I would have to STOP as soon as it started and pray and let go and turn my thoughts to someone else. Thanks to the Grace of a Loving God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have learned how to do this. My sponsor and my friends have assured me that I have done a good job.

But I feel like it took every molecule of energy I had and now I am just left depleted. Very happy, very relieved, but tired as can be. Maybe I will see if I can take Thursday and Friday off. I am grateful I have a lot of annual leave and never did take a summer vacation this year.

"Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 100

9 comments:

Syd said...

I'm glad that you will be taking time off. I can not imagine the fear that you must have had and how hard it must have been to just let go and let God. I'm glad that you had your program to help you get through the rough times.

Scott W said...

We all had some fear for you and it was great relief to hear the news. Much rejuvenation can be found in communion with a higher power. Maybe tomorrow's prayer time at church will refill your low batteries.

Bouncing off the Bottom said...

I thought and felt many things reading your post--both as a mother and a person in recovery. Mainly I just wanted to say that I think you've done well and been strong and I'm so, so glad it's all over.

Shannon said...

I hope you can get those days off. I think you did good, when those thoughts came in, you nipped em in the bud so to speak, and yes it can be very tiring.
Beautiful shot of the Garden of the Gods- my ex's sister and her family live there. I have been there twice... beautiful...
have a nice day MC

dAAve said...

breathe deeply

dAAve said...

now let it out

Lounge Daddy said...

Garden of the Gods, eh?
Fantastic!
Take some time off. You deserve some MC time. :)

Christine said...

resting is good
what a relief to have him on home ground again

Scott said...

I cannot imagine wht you must've felt... I am praying for your renewal, and grateful that peace is coming back to you...

beautiful photo!