But I am always shocked to find that I am not just a generic alcoholic. Not just a generic member of alcoholics anonymous. I don't really understand why this shocks and hurts me.
One night when I was sober about five years, a sober man I had respected asked me to go out for dinner with him. I was so happy to join him. I felt like I had "arrived" as an AA member. I felt accepted into this group of people who had been sober for a long time. We had a great dinner and laughed and talked about AA stuff. After he drove me home, he told me these words, which I will never forget: "I want to make love to you." Ick. Ick. This older man who had been sober for so long had not been seeing me as a fellow AA member, but as a potential whatever. I started crying. I told him to leave. We have never been friendly since that day since he got furious with me. I still see him from time to time.
I remember when I got my last promotion at work. Someone suggested to me that I got the job because I was sleeping with the director of the hospital. I laughed! It seemed so ridiculous that at the age of 50, I was still dealing with this type of nonsense.
And so it seems ridiculous that at the age of 57, still I am seen this way?
My life is practically nun-like. I just don't wear a habit.
I think of myself as an old woman who knits in AA meetings and goes to church at every opportunity. Who studies the Bible. Who lives a life in adherence with some principles that are extremely difficult to live by, which means I don't live like most folks.
Oh, I will probably delete this, it probably doesn't even make sense. But for now, I am posting it.