Sunday, July 19, 2009

Who am I?

On Friday night, after the meeting, a man I have known for 24 years and 360 days said he needed to ask me something.  I could see that it was difficult for him.  But he finally asked me if I was "seeing" a certain man.   I laughed and said "oh my goodness, No!"  But then I asked him why he was asking.  This man had the integrity and courage to tell me that it would be a very bad idea for me to date this other fellow.  I assured him that I was not dating him or anyone else, but then I thanked him for taking the risk to say that to me.  I really so appreciated it.  

But I am always shocked to find that I am not just a generic alcoholic.  Not just a generic member of alcoholics anonymous.  I don't really understand why this shocks and hurts me.  

One night when I was sober about five years, a sober man I had respected asked me to go out for dinner with him.  I was so happy to join him.  I felt like I had "arrived" as an AA member.  I felt accepted into this group of people who had been sober for a long time.  We had a great dinner and laughed and talked about AA stuff.  After he drove me home, he told me these words, which I will never forget:  "I want to make love to you."  Ick.  Ick.  This older man who had been sober for so long had not been seeing me as a fellow AA member, but as a potential whatever.  I started crying.  I told him to leave.  We have never been friendly since that day since he got furious with me.  I still see him from time to time.    

I remember when I got my last promotion at work.  Someone suggested to me that I got the job because I was sleeping with the director of the hospital.  I laughed!  It seemed so ridiculous that at the age of 50, I was still dealing with this type of nonsense.  

And so it seems ridiculous that at the age of 57, still I am seen this way?  

My life is practically nun-like.  I just don't wear a habit.  

I think of myself as an old woman who knits in AA meetings and goes to church at every opportunity.  Who studies the Bible.  Who lives a life in adherence with some principles that are extremely difficult to live by, which means I don't live like most folks.   

Oh, I will probably delete this, it probably doesn't even make sense.  But for now, I am posting it.

18 comments:

Steve E. said...

Please do NOT delete, Mary...it is YOU, which is what we all have come to expect from one another--the real "us"!

As far as being as close to a nun as you could get? Maybe. I do not know you, but I cannot but suspicion...I just changed my mind--you're probably RIGHT! And THAT is why you must leave this blog up, as posted. (Confused?)

OK you didn't ask for votes, but you got one!

Prayer Girl said...

I vote for leaving it just as it is.

PG

Annette said...

I agree with Steve...please do not delete. Because there are others out here in the world who live according to a standard that is not easy to live by, who don't live like most other people do, and who feel alone. Who don't know that there are others out there who are battling similar stuff...and you, my very dear blogger friend, have just given them some comfort and some place to be where they know that they are not the only ones. Thank you.

dAAve said...

How strange.
It's all part of the Total Entertainment Package.

Willa said...

I respect you for posting this. I think you have a structured, scheduled life. I think of you as a very decent, and somewhat holy person (you attended the religious school).

I think some people, unfortunately, don't see the parts we are trying to improve. And they see us all wrong, and we feel totally misunderstood. This post is a good example!

I think you should leave it up, but it is your blog.

Mike Golch said...

I agree with Steve E.don't delete this it show the human side of you.and as wel all know we are human and do thing that well we sometimes regreat and or are proud of.

Scott W said...

Glad I got here before the deletion. What would give anyone the idea you are sleeping with someone? Do people really gossip?

Lou said...

People looove to speculate about sexual matters. You see that has not changed in 25 years!

Pam said...

Well it's an isolated incident and no telling how many women some guys are inappropriate with. I think some guys will always see us as the "bar girls", but that is SO about them sweet pickle.

Madison said...

I wouldn't think twice about straightening out any idiot who suggested that a promotion was due to sleeping with higher ups. The higher ups aren't that lucky. :)

Scott said...

MC, good for you, gotta get that stuff out now and again...

And I think your post is an important one for other folks in AA who might read this and be reminded that AA is after all, a collection of people. Some are there for various reasons unlike our own reasons. Some members see other members as more than just alcoholics. And some members are just there to be sober alcoholics and that's it.

Gin said...

It is funny how we can have one view of ourselves, but to outsiders we look COMPLETELY different!

Syd said...

I am glad that you are who you are. And that your principles are what they are. I think that what matters is that you know who you are. The gossip and opinions of others are irrelevant.

Trailboss said...

All I can say is some things will never change. Especially human behavior.

Ed G. said...

I'm glad I got to read this article but I can understand why you might want to delete it.

Ironically, I've been on both sides of this deal - the leering wanna-be philanderer and the object of someone's inappropriate advances.

What I learned as a perpetrator is that we really do deal with life and death here and I'd best be willing to be fully responsible and accountable for all my choices, good and bad.

What I learned as a "victim" is that there's no real value in someone stroking my ego or having someone desire any sort of power over me.

Both valuable lessons I may not have been able to learn otherwise. Both situations in the program that I love that I wish I'd never experienced.

There, you can delete your post and my over-shared comment too ;-)

Blessings and aloha...

Carol said...

Thank you for your honesty. I wonder about the same things. For me, relationships have always been about ego gratification, I don't want to keep hurting myself and others. But I keep an open mind. Miracles happen, you never know what we can grow into!

Becca6296 said...

UGH I am often insulted ( ego) then HURT ( fear n pride) at these pathetic gestures by aa men. Usually it is someone I am close to, like yesterday, who somehow thinks for one millisecond that I would like it???
I rantedon ym blog a bit about it. Basically I am a friend to a man and step in a mom at times mom is musch liek your daughter minus the 6 months clean time, anyway long story short I was being hugged for my help and the hand that hsould be connected ot the ARM around my back was tightening its grip on my rear and I could even feel the third p[resence between uis. IN front of kids. I nearly kneed him.
It will not happen again. Why did I want to cry? Because we all want ot eb loved and being sexualized by someone you have a sacred affection towards based in RECOVERY and years of friendship or kinship, is familial, and sexual attention feels dirty and makes me mistrust the intentions of long ago , liek when you first knew him , and he loved his wife. I have seen men go near senile in my locale being alone later on in yrs and sober. NO excuse to try to PLANT one on a loving heart. my 2 cents....

I agree with Steve E pls do not delete and women are even more leacherous in my area as of late.

Banana Girl said...

Made perfect sense to me...