Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Changing, maybe...

The Christmas cactus in my office are in bloom again. It has been so cold, they have been led to believe it is the depth of winter. Who could argue? This photo was taken yesterday afternoon, just as the rain / snow mix was starting. There is now over a foot of snow on the ground. And it is still snowing. I will go out as soon as I am dressed and shovel the snow and really put my new four wheel drive SUV vehicle to the test. And in case you are wondering, I am not one of those people who thinks that 4WD makes you invincible - especially on ice. But it surely will be better than that Passatt, which was not good at all.

So, our Pammie is likely moving on from blogging. Scott W. has left, as has Lou. These are all people who really blog. That leaves me and Daave. If you wonder why your name is not there, it may be because you have come along more recently or because you don't post every single day. We have posted every single day, come hell or high water. Most bloggers come and go. Most rather rapidly. I have lost my patience with most of it.

I think I titled a post "It hurts to blog" years ago. Years before I was ready to let go of it. It really does hurt to blog. If you haven't experienced that, keep coming back. When I was new to this realm, one of our midst had lost his job due to blogging. He comes back from time to time, always changing his name, and leaving as he gets found out. I wonder why he is so "paranoid," but I have never lost a job due to blogging. But I think I have lost friends. I have unintentionally notified family of things I hadn't intended to tell my family. I have notified the world of things I should have kept to myself. I have been stalked by a creepy man most of you think is just a wonderful old man.

A couple of years ago I started editing what I said a lot more. I think the quality of my blog started suffering then. But I still was in love with so many people who were blogging. The fellowship was what kept me going.

I am very tired of honestly sharing for all the world to read. I wanted to do that for the still suffering alcoholic. That was my intended audience. But I have far exceeded that audience. I get tired of taking the pot shots from stray readers who come by and feel the need to correct me or direct me or scold me. I get really tired of the rehabs and treatment centers who want to hijack my blog for their purposes - to make money. (I have made not one cent from this blog - which by blogging standards has been a successful blog. I have not achieved fame or fortune. I have been anonymous - except as people who know me have figured out who I am. )

To clarify: I am not writing this to solicit attention, I am just processing. I think I have probably made my decision. But I don't want to be hasty about it. So I am going to think about it.

xoxoxoxoxo, MC

21 comments:

Patty said...

I feel like all the old timers are leaving.

janjanmom said...

I've had real life friends and clergy call me to 'line me out' on what I can and cannot blog about-those are good times.

I love your blog, I am a newer reader (I have you on my reader and read every day)and you give me hope for the alcoholic in my life. I am an Al-anon member and I work to keep the focus on me-but it is nice to hear that people get and stay sober AND like it.

Willa said...

I feel bad that you feel bad. But you must do what is right for you, whatever that is.

It's been so wonderful to read you here. I couldn't believe that people wrote about being sober. I read you and others here and go to my meetings and try to be of service to others. And get the daily reprieve, one day at a time. THANK YOU, Mary.

Julianne said...

Thank you, Mary, for being here to start my day every morning. I, like janjanmom, am new also, and if I am honest, I don't know how long I will do this. So far it has been an illuminating experience for me, making me more aware of why I do and think some of the things I do. I read you every day and would be sorry if you left, but I know that only you can know what is right for you. I will say a prayer for you that you find peace in your decision, whatever that may be.

Thank you for everything you have already given me. I hope in turn I can give something back to someone. That's how it works.

Syd said...

I have read you from the start of my blogging. I would certainly miss your posts. I have recommended that alcoholics who believe in singleness of purpose and staying sober read what you post here. I recently had a copy of one of my posts slipped under my door at work. So someone knows who I am--it bothered me at first but now I know that I won't be chased off. I will stop when I am ready to do so. I think what keeps me going are the emails and comments that tell me how much the posts have helped them. And reading what you and others write has helped me.

dAAve said...

First, I'm glad you got that 4WD Toyota so you can better handle the snow. I can't imagine having snow, but I'm on the Gulf Coast.

I take the coming and going of bloggers just like I do the people in "the rooms." People come and people go. A few stick around seemingly forever. Whichever category you or I or anybody else is in, that doesn't make any of us good or bad. It just makes us -- us. So whatever your decision, it is what it is. I'll still be your friend. Just one who won't have the opportunity to read about your recovery.

Ed G. said...

I seriously hope you don't stop blogging but I fully understand and support you if you do.

As someone who's fallen far shy of the standards you've set (daily blogging, personal sharing), I've appreciated you setting those standards. I will always appreciate that as a gift from you to me.

And I especially wish you nothing but the best in your life and in your recovery - regardless the arena that happens in.

Blessings and aloha...

Lakeview Health said...

I know you aren't writing for publicity but I have been a silent reader on your site for some time. And I have to saw you are definitely helping people.

Would you possibly consider blogging on our Recovery blog as a guest blogger? It might give you a voice to people who don't know what you do and I am sure our readers would like to have you as a resource.

Here's the URL please contact me if it is something you would like to talk about....

Recovery Connection Blog

If you don't that's ok. Just please don't stop writing. :)

~SD

chitowngreg said...

I've only been doing this a short while, but your blog been an inspiration to me. I've blogged every day for about three months now, and have enormous respect those who have been doing it for years. I pray each morning for guidance and that what I write will be useful to someone. You have met that standard for a very long time!

kel said...

Your blog is the first one I started reading many years ago when I began my journey with my son. Although I do not post every day and rarely comment, yours is the first blog I read each and every morning. I am sad losing all of the original bloggers and I will miss your posts deeply. They gave me alot of hope over the years when my son was active in his addiction. You will be deeply missed...

marie said...

I am a blogging newcomer and find your negative experiences discouraging. Are these common experiences for everyone?

My goal for blogging is to keep me sober. As they say, we have to "give it away to keep it".

Finally, I want to let you know, Mary, that your first blog posts are what pushed me off the fence into the world of blogging. I thought, "this woman is describing how I feel." and "if she can do it, I can do it." Kind of like an AA newcomer feels in her first few meetings.

I just wanted to let you know and say thank you! Many blessings!

Hap Joy Free said...

If feels to me that your blogs of late have been somewhat negative focused and resentment filled, in my opinion. Perhaps moving on may be on your best interest.

I certainly have felt that way in my of my postings, but have managed to come through. Hopefully you willl find peace.

best of luck.

Peggy G said...

I am very thankful for your blog. Being new to Al-Anon and not always able to go to a meeting, you and other bloggers have given me a meeting ANY TIME I may need one. Blessing, take care of YOU!

ws said...

I want to write something cliche like "whatever you decide to do will be the right decision."

The truth is I, too, reached that point where blogging was difficult and painful and I think I can relate to how you feel, which is why I stepped away for a long time.

Your consistency has been a great example in my early recovery and I deeply appreciate your friendship.

Lou said...

Oh Mary, I like what Daave said. And I actually understood him this time..LOL

Run like the wind, sober one.

Pam said...

Girl, I know you...don't let that one comment get to you...yes you know the one. She doesn't "get" that we have blogged about how we get through and over lifes' difficulties. Let that one go :)
Where are we in this journey sweet pickle relish???

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I just want to say thank you for being one of the examples who helped me to make a start.

Thank you!

Carverlane said...

I would miss your daily posts so much! But it has to be right for you. Have you considered maybe just blogging once or twice a week?

Kim from sAn Antonio

Julianne said...

OMG! I miss you and Pammie already!

Her Big Sad said...

I've not commented here before, I don't think...

Just wanted you to know that I've been lurking, reading, soaking up the hard-earned knowledge and the hope and most especially, the gratitude you share. I have sent several friends in recovery here, for hope and encouragement! Thank you for being there for them!

If you go private, I'd be grateful if you'd permit me the privilege of continuing to read your posts. If you no longer blog, I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for all you have shared with me thus far and may God continue to richly bless you in the future.

Mary LA said...

I have been waiting for you to post again, hoping you might decide to carry on...

Your experience, strength and hope comes from 25 years of sobriety. For me you have always been AA at its most dedicated and honest, and I read your posts over and over. Certain posts have been key in shaping my understanding of the Steps and service. When you have told your story here, it has given me so much hope for my own future and the future of AA. You have come through so much Mary Christine, and your faith is a rock.

Like Syd, I have referred many, many people to your blog. And reading between the lines I have a fairly good idea of why it is hard for you to continue and I respect your decision. But the loss for me and many others is immeasurable.