Thursday, May 06, 2010

Another Rose

There's a rosebush sitting in my kitchen tonight. My children gave it to me for Mother's Day. It is a particularly nice variety. Its name is "Chicago Peace," which reminds me of my youth. Having lived through the 60s in the Chicago area - which was the furthest thing from peace, but it was what we wanted. We idealistic, crazy, drug-addled youth. The flowers are reminiscent of flame - pink and yellow - I will treat you (or bore you) with photos through the summer, I am sure.

The day was just so jam-packed with stuff, I just don't know how I feel - other than tired. I could just decide to be grateful, and that is good. But I think there is an underlying sadness that would be good to acknowledge.

My heart is breaking for more than one person. I am struck by how we cannot make an intellectual decision to be done drinking. It is not a function of the intellect. If busy resolutions worked, we all would have been sober years before we got beat up as badly as we did. It is a deep surrender, a deep knowing that it is over. Done. There is no place else to go.

When I got to AA, I was so grateful to be with people who did not judge me or look at me as a fallen woman. They just understood me, reached out to me and treated me like I belonged. Because truly I did. For the first time in my life, I belonged.

And now I belong so many places it makes my head spin. So I need to put it on my pretty little pillow. Grateful for another sober day.

10 comments:

Syd said...

Chicago Peace is a wonderful rose. It doesn't do well here as the humidity is hard on hybrid tea roses. Enjoy the fragrance.

Her Big Sad said...

Pretty roses! I am trying to learn more about how to take care of the few rose bushes I have. They're a bit worse for wear, since I am really good at cutting them to put on my desk and not so hot at pruning properly....

Wishing you a restful night!

Mary LA said...

I love seeing your tulips and roses.

I don't know how many times I made a rational intellectual decision to stop drinking, Hundreds of times, I suppose. And I understand your underlying sadness.

dAAve said...

When friends go back out drinking, I just have to realize that they aren't through yet. I'm glad they had some exposure to sobriety (no matter how long) and hopeful that someday they'll make it back. Few do.
I'm lucky and blessed. So are you.
Love your weekend.

Anonymous said...

Last night I could feel my alcoholism talking me into having just one glass of wine when I got home.....What could be the problem with that?

And then in my mind I thought of you and all the other online AA people and it was as if you were all with me, surrounding me. How could I let you all down? Quite an odd experience but very real.

And the desire to drink left me. And I made another day without alcohol.

Thank you and also all the peeps at Staying Cyber.

Anonymous said...

We had a "knowin" Mary.
Only God can really give a "knowin."
We were both so common, so ordinary and yet we both received an extrodinary amount of Grace. I'm so very grateful for that....little rose bud.
Pammie

Scott said...

I had to be ready... that's all I can say about it. I couldn't do what was necessary until I was really ready.

Snow on your lilac bush is a sad thing on May 7th, I hope it melts quickly so that your buds blossom!

What a beauty of a rose!

Let Go, Let God said...

My children are always asking me what I want for Mother's Day. I always tell them the same thing--Peace on Earth. Then they respond in the most unusual ways. Peace--in a flower. How beautiful. You are blessed. Thanks for sharing.

Evelyn said...

"It is a deep surrender, a deep knowing that it is over. Done. There is no place else to go."

So true! I'm so grateful you are online, and that you keep sharing! My "drug of choice" is not alcohol, but indeed, your words resound with me!

Ed G. said...

There can never be enough red roses - thorns and all...

Blessings and aloha...