Last night I called a friend. He is someone who lost his job last spring - over a year ago. He has been unable to find another job. Luckily for him, he has plenty of money, unlike other people (like me) so he really doesn't need a job, except he needs to work. He was really suffering, oh maybe a year and a half ago, so I told him I would call him every single day to check on him. That is something we AAs used to do. I know we don't do it anymore, but we used to. Anyway, I got in the habit of calling him every day. Most of the time we just chit chat. That is what I thought we would do last night. I just was going to call him and then crawl into bed hoping for the day to be over.
But he heard my voice and said "what's the matter honey?" I started to tell him, and I started to cry, and I kept crying, and I kept talking, and I kept talking, and I kept crying, and talking, and crying.... he just listened. He said he understood. He didn't tell me to go to a meeting or write a gratitude list. He didn't tell me I was being self-centered - maybe because I told him I knew I was, but knowing it wasn't helping me change it. He didn't tell me why I shouldn't feel the way I felt, he just listened.
When I woke up this morning, I still felt awful, but I was awfully grateful to him for listening to me. As the day went on, the cloud seemed to lift a bit. I actually feel OK right now. I talked to my friend tonight and thanked him for being such a good friend. Of course, he just said "that's what friends are for." And I know he doesn't think it is anything. But it is everything to me.
When I got home from work tonight my neighbor called and told me she had a confession to make. I know her well enough to know that means that she has done some work in my yard without my permission (as if she would need it!!!) She chopped down two dead trees in my back yard! I hadn't even noticed!
Last night I felt like the most alone person on earth. Tonight I know that is not the truth. I have some wonderful people in my life.
I wish my brain didn't gang up on me from time to time. There are some things going on that I don't feel free to write about due to some unfriendly people who are now reading my blog with a critical eye. I just can't write about something that is breaking my heart. I really wish I could.
Here is a cautionary word to newer bloggers: Don't tell any of your real life friends about your blog. They may eventually find it if you blog for years like I have, but it is a wonderful outlet to be able to write about people in an anonymous way when no one knows who you are. Once people know who you are, you can't write anything.
Thanks be to God, I did not take a drink of alcohol through this dark night of the soul. I am more grateful than words can say for this fact.