Today I have another contentious meeting at 10:00 a.m. I will just put one foot in front of the other and get through it. And then I have a weekend.
I wanted to say something about yesterday's post. I regret if I gave the impression that you need to have a prescribed horrible bottom to get to AA and successfully stay sober. When I got sober, I considered myself a "high bottom," but after a few years, I came to believe that term was meaningless for myself. On the day I got sober, I woke up in a nice house, with my husband and three kids. I was a stay-at-home-mom, and had pretty much everything I wanted. Except peace of mind, except the will to live, except the ability to go through a day without a drink. I was so full of self-loathing that I couldn't bear to go through one more day. This is what I call a bottom. Not the amount I drank, or the circumstances of my life - but the inner despair.
The world feels like a dangerous place to me today. I am sick of being sought out for discussions about current affairs. I am a religious person. That does not make me narrow minded, bigoted, or stupid. It does not mean I have never thought about things. It does not mean that I don't love people or that I refuse to understand their feelings.
As I said, I will put one foot in front of the other and get through the day. By the grace of God I woke up sober today and plan to go to bed that way tonight. And that, my friends, is nothing short of miraculous.
9 comments:
I think that our society has a lot of difficult decisions and things seem to be much more complicated than during my early years. Maybe every generation feels that way though. It is all perception perhaps. Have a good Friday, MC.
Well I'm a few hours ahead of you over here and the sun is past the mitzen mast of whatever the nautical saying is, i.e. it's the afternoon now and I've not picked up a drink, or thought of needing to... a miracle, 8 years ago by now in the day I'd have to have started drinking.
I agree with you about your post yesterday, I had a job, a family, a house, a car etc. I was not destitute in most people's definition - however inside I was, morally, emotionally and spiritually I was completely bankrupt. Not that I could equate it like that then, I just hated me, the world, the universe, everything. I hated having any kind of feeling, good or bad, I wanted to be numb constantly and for it all to go away. For years I thought I'd been hard done by, now I'm in no real different situation at all other than I have a different perspective and I realise how grateful I have to be. We all have different rock bottoms however they are all characterised by the desperate need to not have to continue as we have been doing.
The "noise" of the internet, self help books, TV (why are there TV's in every public area..banks, doctors offices, etc??) makes me defensive about many things. I believe it's the cacophony of negativity making me feel like expressions of faith= stupid, right wing, Bible belt fool. In reality, we don't know what is in the hearts of others. I'm going to do my damnedest to not assume.
Putting one foot in front of the other sounds good to me today.
Thank you for the beautiful picture. I will be home on my mountain in a week. No matter what the world wroughts, I know the mountains and the wild flowers will still be there for me.
Keep those feet walking today.
I wish my daughter could stumble across your blog. I love what you say here.
As to the politics....I KNOW!!! I vote but its another arena where I feel I can share my opinion, but whats going to happen is going to happen and I can't change the world. God is in charge. Does that make me sound like a "Bible belt fool?" lol
Respect matters, wherever we live. And issues are complex.
The world doesn't feel safe for the majority of people even those in more affluent places. I can't imagine not living with a certain fear of violence and here in South Africa that is so prevalent. I'm sorry you have to feel that way too.
We get spiky yuccas out here too, with tall spires of white bell-like flowers.
Thank you
Mary, I have a gift for hyperbole. "Unsafe" is a meaningless term when I am just talking about feeling insulted and disrespected. Compared to feeling like I am in danger of violence at any moment - it is not unsafe. It is uncomfortable. Thank you for the perspective and proportion.
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