Wednesday Morning

I am not running.

I am not going to a meeting.

I am not sitting here doing any damn thing I want.

I am going to work.

I am worn out.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Energized

Note to self: Sometimes the things that restore the body and soul are not necessarily rest.

I worked for over 10 hours yesterday, most of the time on my feet (which I am not at ALL used to), without lunch (just some string cheese and snow peas I had in my office refrig that I grabbed on the run), I ran all over that hospital, and had to be on my toes all day. And it was probably the best day at work I have had in a couple of years. Go figure!

I have another day like that in store today. I am looking forward to it.

As alcoholics, our reactions to many things are paradoxical. I think my reaction to work/rest is yet another example of this.

"We no longer strive to dominate or rule those about us in order to gain self-importance. We no longer seek fame and honor in order to be praised." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124

Monday

Back to work today. I don't feel particularly well rested. The weekend was very eventful and I also have yet another cold. Today I get to wear a new outfit I got back in December and realized the first time I wore it that the pants needed to be hemmed. Now that they are hemmed, I have a new outfit to wear!

Yesterday morning, there was a tap, tap, tapping on my front door. It was a neighbor, who felt that because I am on the HOA board I was the appropriate person to talk to about her ugly dispute with another neighbor. She brought a stack of papers, they were the e-mail trail of ugliness. My first thought was "I do not have time for this!" Then I tried to be compassionate and listen to this woman who was really just very hurt that her former friend has stopped being her friend. People sure get ugly when they are hurt, don't they? So I listened, and managed (I hope) not to insert myself into this mess. I will serve out my term on the board, and then I need to get out. I do not want to be part of the disputes of people. I work very hard at keeping my neighborhood relationships friendly and would like to keep them all that way.

I really thought about how fortunate we in AA are. I listened to this poor woman who is hurt and angry and frightened, and tried to imagine what it would be like to need to knock on the door of a virtual stranger to talk about this. We, as AA members, have almost unlimited resources at our fingertips. I have a sponsor and a host of friends who I can call at any time. And they would all be quick to tell me that I can only take care of my own side of the street - which in this case would be literal as well as figurative! Thank God we have a program and a couple million people to help us apply it in our lives.

"If we are fooling ourselves, a competent adviser can see this quickly. And, as he skillfully guides us away from our fantasies, we are surprised to find that we have few of the usual urges to defend ourselves against unpleasant truths." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 248

Off to Church

I am off to church this morning. I hate to bow to the man's insanity and talk about him, but this is what irritates me so much about Mickey. He and I supposedly belong to the same church. But according to him I am a rageaholic about to be plunged into the gates of hell and he imagines this and that about me. For those of you who are new to his comments, there are only about three of them, he recycles them. He cuts and pastes wacky articles into comments, that is why they are so long. I love you Mickey, do you love me? I think if you loved me, you would not be telling me I am going to hell - and I COULD quote you the bible verse that tells you NEVER to judge someone else, but what the heck, it's Sunday morning and I want to go to church. A church, by the way, that I can see nothing of in Mickey's rantings.

I had my first day of school yesterday. It was awesome. I walked into the classroom feeling like a student, and left at the end of the day feeling like a teacher. A novice teacher, but still a teacher. This is momentous to me.

Then I went to Night Watch at a friend's house. The place was absolutely packed with people. People I love. People I sit in AA meetings with and join for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. People who have helped me put up my Christmas tree, who have baked cookies with me, who have taken bike rides with me. People who are integral parts of my life. Thank God for AA.

Last night there was an event in Houston I dearly wish I could have attended. Scott W.'s showing his art. It sounds like it went wonderfully. Congrats Scott!

Friday Night

Thanks Pam for this wonderful gift, I look at it every day and love it.

I thought I would post tonight because I don't think I will have time tomorrow to post anything meaningful. I have been posting nothing meaningful all week and I apologize to anyone who might have been disappointed!

So tomorrow I start my first day of teaching. Several commenters have said that they don't recall how this whole thing happened. It is a wonderful thing. Really.

In November I decided that I really wanted to go to nursing school. Well, that is not exactly true. I wanted some change in my life/career. I was tired of watching people with less education and qualifications get promoted around me - and it seemed the common denominator was the ",RN" after their names. So I checked into local nursing schools. The one I liked happened to be at the university I graduated from - so I called my old adviser.

When I talked with her, she said she was just going to call me, and she offered me a job TEACHING. Teaching about my own field. About what I do. In the field I studied and in which I work. Well, this was such a radical departure from what I was thinking, I told her I had to think about it for a day or two. But it was really quite obvious that this was meant to be.

So, tomorrow I start. I am a little nervous, but mostly very excited. I get to go out for lunch with the teachers! I get to talk to students! I get to be a grown up, really. And I have to pinch myself - Me? A teacher? I dropped out of high school Twice! I didn't go back to college until I was 43 years old and 10 1/2 years sober.

It is amazing to me the things that God has in store for us, when we let go of our old ideas and our self-will, and let Him take the reins. Say a little prayer for me if you will, OK? (oh, and a prayer for Britney, really. That poor woman really needs some serious help.) Thanks.

"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 49

Running SO late

I opted not to post this morning before the meeting. I wanted to get to the 6:30 a.m. meeting because I won't be able to get to it tomorrow. Because I will be at my first day of my new job! Teaching! At a University! How exciting!

But now I am at work and I don't have time to post.

So let me just say, let's all stay sober today, OK?

Trying Something New

Okay. Today I am going to church in my running clothes (EEEEEK!) Then I am going to go to the gym, on January Third, with all the resolutioners (EEEEEEEK!) I will run on the treadmill for however long it takes to run 3 miles... head home... bathe... eat breakfast....get dressed... go to work. I wonder how late I will be.

There is a lot about this plan that I don't like. But I really have to get back to my regular running schedule. I only ran 21 miles in December! In December 2006, I ran over 50 miles. Running is essential to my mental health.

Oh, and I got a call yesterday that I start my new job as a teacher on Saturday. Holy Schmoley. I don't have to teach a class on Saturday, but I get to sit in on one. I hope I get to sit at the front of the class!

Have a great sober day everyone.

Back to Work

This weather is kicking my ass. I am tired all of the time. It is 7 (seven) degrees this morning and I am NOT going to go out and run. I am also NOT going to the gym on January 2. I would dearly love to go back to bed. I would dearly love to have some time off. I have not even taken a whole weekend off since some time in November. I am WAY tired and there is no end in sight to this onslaught of work.

That said, I did have a wonderful one day off yesterday. I had such a fabulous time on New Year's Eve that it really stuck with me all day yesterday. I got lots of e-mail with pictures of us at dinner.

One of my newer friends gave me a Christmas present on NYEve. It is a framed photo of seven of us taken on Dec. 10 - the day we made cookies. I put the picture up on the bar between the kitchen and dining room and I have looked at it over and over again.

I am so grateful that I am in this picture. That I love the other women in the picture. That we all have true smiles on our faces. That I am seated on the sofa - with the other "older" women. That I am seated next to my friend H., whose birthday is one day after mine - same year and everything! That we are all sober, and I pray that we will all be at this time next year.

Being a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous is such a good deal.

One . One

It's the first of the year. I just woke up. Too late to go to a meeting or church. I stayed up late last night and had a great time, but I think I prefer the way I usually ring in the new year - fast asleep!

Every year on New Year's Eve, a group of sober people go to a chinese restaurant. I have been invited for I don't know how many years, but I never went until last night. The restaurant was unprepared for how many of us there were, so there were two long tables, and then we were scattered about at tables and booths. We nearly took over the place. Actually, I feel kind of sorry for the few people who were not part of us, because they must have wondered what the heck just happened. We had so much fun! It was wonderful to walk around to different tables and talk to people. And our little booth had more fun than anyone, we laughed until we were nearly sick. We all had tiaras on, and had party horns and noise makers. It was so much fun to be with these people to whom I share a bond more powerful than anything else I have ever known.

Then I actually went to a dance! At the dance, I looked over and saw a man who got sober right after me, we traveled in the same circles for a long time. I haven't seen him in about ten years! It was great to see him. He had decided to 'graduate' from AA and go to church. After about ten years of that, he has decided that he really belongs in AA and will stay here. Thank God he didn't drink in that time. He will continue to go to church, but has realized where it is that people really 'get' him. Anyway, at the dance, we all just danced, and danced, and danced. I love to dance, so it was great.

I love the sober life. I love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love my friends. And I love waking up on New Year's day, not hungover, not craving a drink, with only hope in my heart... no regrets, no fear.

Let's have a Happy, Healthy, Sober 2008 everyone.

Reflections on 2007

What a year it has been! Another sober 365 days. Added to a total of 8,560 sober days, all strung together. I am grateful for each and every one of them.

The most momentous things about 2007?

My son came home from Iraq. Safe and sound. Healthy and happy. We can all see how this has changed him, but it is slight and not terrible.

I completed two half-marathons. This was a huge accomplishment for a woman in her 56th year.

I completed my fourth triathlon, which is fun.

My daughter entered NA for real. Regardless of what has happened in the last year, she is miles ahead of where she was a year (or two) ago.

I made a commitment to go to my church each Thursday morning from 5 to 6 a.m., I have not yet missed a day. I was a minute or two late last week when the snow was much worse than I realized.

I started a four year biblical study program. I LOVE this. I feel like it has lifted a veil so that I can now understand things I didn't before.

I got to meet some bloggers! In 2007, I met Lash, Daave, Scott, Pammie, and a host of other Houstonians. What a blessing this was! (and I could type in the links to their blogs without looking, I know them by heart! - must be because I *heart* them)

I am down to three sponsees, and they are all women I love - they are all serious about being sober and are willing to do what it takes.

There are friends in my life who were just acquaintances a year ago, and some of them have added to my life immensely.

I inquired about going back to school, and instead got an offer to teach at the university that years ago I couldn't even imagine attending! Now I have two degrees from that university and I will teach there!

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Thanks to the Grace of Loving God, these blessings are in my life. This from the wreckage of a life as an active alcoholic. All I had to do was admit complete defeat, and in exchange, I have been given a life I could not have even imagined!

Sunday Morning

It's Sunday morning, I woke up too early. Could it have something to do with the fact that I went to bed at 8:00 last night? nah. I was watching a great football game and falling asleep on the couch, so I just went to bed. I am chronically tired right now.

It is because I am not getting my exercise. I am working too much. It is too cold, snowy, and icy outside. The gym is about to be too crowded. This time of the year is a challenge for me every year. I like winter - for about a month, and now that month is over - unfortunately, we still have three more months of winter.

I thought it was interesting yesterday that I just mentioned that "I have a thing about being late to meetings" and that spawned a bunch of comments about being late to meetings. I really don't care if other people are late - that is their thing. I just don't like walking into a meeting already in full swing. I don't even do it at work... and it is totally acceptable to do so at my workplace.

I am beginning to think that I have said every thing I ever had to say on this blog. I am extremely uninspired. I have three loyal readers in Houston and one in Denver - that is the main reason I am still blogging. I have more hits than ever, but that is mostly readership from searches for crazy shit ('hand sanitizer drunk' is one of the most recent). I am not going to stop blogging any time soon, but I feel that my writing is getting more and more inane by the day. I am tired and worn out and haven't been doing the stuff I need to be doing, so perhaps I will get inspired again after I start doing the stuff I need to be doing.

I am going out today to the Ethiopian Restaurant with my daughter. We both love the restaurant and seldom eat there. We decided we really want to eat there before we both get our noses back to the grindstone of diet and exercise after the first of the year. I am greatly looking forward to this meal today.

Saturday Morning

I didn't wake up until 6:30 this morning! I thought about going to the 6:30 meeting and being a half-hour late, but I have a thing about being late to meetings. So, I decided to drive the 20 miles to my old home group that meets at 7:30 a.m. It was good to be there.

I got to see the man who took me to my first meeting in 1984. We both marvel at the fact that we are both still sober, all these years later. And we both laugh about something we realized maybe 15 years ago - the longer you stay sober, the older you get. hmmmm.

I was going to run when I got home, but the sidewalks are still covered with snow and ice. Perhaps I will get to the gym later. I need to go into work for a while. Hopefully I can get a bunch of work done on a Saturday, because it is just not getting done during the week.

I am still tired. I am too old to be working as hard as I have been. But I have potatoes frying on the stove and soon I will have two eggs frying alongside them. I will eat a nice Saturday morning breakfast.

Have a great sober day everyone.

Friday Morning

I am glad it is Friday even though I will only have worked three days this week. I am tired. I went to bed at 7 o'clock last night, but the phone kept ringing, so I didn't get to sleep until 9 o'clock. I am not complaining about friends calling, it is wonderful to have people in my life.

The wind-chill is -10 degrees. Minus Ten Degrees. It is friggin' cold. We got a lot of snow yesterday and my back hurts from shoveling it. I haven't run since last Saturday. I am going to go to church this morning... yes, I am adding a Friday morning church-going to this week.

I will go to a meeting on my way home from work. I am blessed to have all this stuff to do today. I wouldn't mind staying home in my jammies though.

"We are privileged to communicate with each other to a degree and in a manner not very often surpassed among our nonalcoholic friends in the world around us." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 231

Snowing Ferociously

I don't have much time to post because it is snowing like crazy, and I need to be at church in less than an hour.... still have to bathe, wash my hair, dress, put on make-up, blow dry the hair, etc. And drive for a long time in snow. In the dark. And I am tired.

Last night, I hopped into bed and truly thanked God for a warm bed, a nice clean house, nice clean pajamas, sheets, and a life that lets me go to sleep virtually the moment my head hits the pillow. This morning I woke up to the alarm - I set it for only one morning a week, Thursday, because I have committed to be at church at 5 a.m. each Thursday - and on This Thursday morning I was still tired. I still am tired. I will come back home and go back to bed this morning. I will sleep for a couple of hours and still make it to work at a reasonable hour.

So this morning, although I am extremely tired - I can barely keep my eyes open - I am so grateful that I can come back home and go back to bed for a couple of hours. I am also eternally grateful that I bought, what I thought was a crazy purchase a few years ago, a heated mattress pad. It is like getting into the warm comfort of a water bed -without all the squishiness of an actual water bed. It is my bed, only warm.... which is heavenly on a cold morning or night.

"We of AA obey spiritual principles, at first because we must, then because we ought to, and ultimately because we love the kind of life such obedience brings. Great suffering and great love are AA's disciplinarians; we need no others." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 27

Boxing Day

Today would have been my father's 96th birthday! Happy Birthday Dad!

I had a wonderful Christmas yesterday. When I got home from church, I shoveled snow - a lot of snow. Then I put on my pajamas and lounged all day. It was a wonderful, luxurious day. I never get to do that. A friend came over last night for a piece of pumpkin pie, and I didn't even change out of my jammies for that!

It is now 7 degrees, and there is close to a foot of snow on the ground. I will dress as warmly as I can and get to work. I have a big day. I wish I could stay home, but that is not what I get to do today.

I am grateful this is my 24th season of holidays spent sober. I remember how treacherous those first couple felt. It is immensely more wonderful to experience the "special" days sober. And really, when you are sober, every day is special. After realizing that, life gets really good!

Christmas Day

Okay- I originally had a picture of my Christmas tree here, but while I was writing this, I saw the above scene out my window - sitting right at my computer. I couldn't help but take a picture, I thought the first one, with the woman yanking with all her might on the dog, was funny. But I thought it was only fair to include the second one, to show the dog did finally get the idea.

This morning I woke at 3 a.m. and was disappointed when I looked out the window and saw no snow. As I was doing my morning meditation, I heard a noise that sounded like ice pellets hitting the side of the house. By the time I was done with my prayer and meditation, the snow was falling at a great rate and there was already snow accumulated on the ground.

There is an "alkathon" at a nearby club, so I left the house before 5:00 a.m. The snow was blinding and there were no tracks in the fallen snow.... for benefit of those from southern climes, this means you can't really tell where the road is. The ride to the club was scary! I thought about going back home to my warm bed, but then I remembered that I told a few folks I would be there early this morning.

When I made that last turn on the way and saw the club lit up and lots of cars there, I very nearly cried with relief and joy. People hugged me and wished me a Merry Christmas, and I was ushered straight into a wonderful meeting. After that meeting was over, I went to the next meeting, and that was another wonderful meeting. By then it was light outside and I could see that there were many inches of snow - and I had my velvet and satin heels on! Oh well, my shoes and feet (and legs) got very wet this morning! A man I adore cleaned the snow off my car, and it made my heart melt... how gentlemanly!

I went to church after the meeting. It was truly scary to drive there. I am certain I was the only woman (or man) wearing high heels this morning! Usually on Christmas morning I have to resign myself to sit somewhere else than where I normally sit because there are so many people there, and I try to be as courteous and welcoming as I can be. However, this morning, the church was not at all packed. Not even as full as a regular Sunday!

I think it is funny that alcoholics can get to meetings and not think twice about it, but people can't get to church. Sad, really.

I am glad I am an alcoholic and have a place to go where everyone still shows up, and welcomes me. Today I am grateful to be an alcoholic - but don't quote me on that because I will normally give you a thousand reasons why I will not say that...

Love you all.

Merry Christmas

I went to a lovely AA meeting this morning. There was not an empty seat in the place - Imagine that! Christmas Eve and a room full of sober alcoholics at 6:30 a.m.! It is a wonderful thing.

I shall spend the day getting ready for the big Christmas dinner I am making tonight for my family. Each year I try to be minimalist for this, but it never happens. I am so grateful for the huge roast of beef in my fridge, and the ability to make apple pie and pumpkin pie. The ice cream in the freezer. The broccoli! The salad! The cheese and crackers (and pepper jelly)! The Christmas candy. The way my kids go wacky over yorkshire pudding - which I will only make on Christmas Eve. The stockings hung by the chimney with care (and apparently St. Nicholas has already been here!) The Handel's Messiah CD which is playing now. Oh, memories of my childhood!

I have thought a lot this year about my childhood memories. I really had an atrocious childhood by any standards, except material. But I play Handel's Messiah, and I can practically hear my dad singing along. I spend time in the kitchen and I remember my mother's wonderful cooking, I can almost see her hands guiding mine. I put the big old fashioned colored lights on my Christmas tree and I remember the trees of the 50s and 60s and how beautiful they were and how magical they were to my childhood eyes. I will go to church either tonight or tomorrow morning and pray for my mother and my father, without resentment, without pain. I will just love them, and know that God does too.

What a wonderful freedom we are given in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thank you to all of my friends, virtual and real. God Bless Us, Everyone!

Sunday Morning

I am heading out of here for a 6:30 meeting, followed by a meeting with a sponsee. I am tired and wish I could stay home, but I am sure I will be glad I got out once I get going.

My family and I celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. So, this is my last day to get everything ready. I am not nearly done, or in some things, I haven't even started. I haven't done my grocery shopping yet for our Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding dinner (why did I capitalize those words?) I haven't got a present for my son yet.

And I don't have much for anyone else either. It is very unlike me. I haven't had time, and I haven't had much money (I got hit with an unexpected tax bill this month that had to be paid RIGHT NOW!!!) So, I guess it will be a humble thing. For instance, the sponsee I am meeting with this morning gave me a Christmas gift yesterday. I have nothing for her. I am going to give her a card, and that is all. And I haven't given gifts to my sponsor or other sponsees either. This is unusual. But it is going to have to be OK. This December has been very unusual.

I better get going. Please, let's all try to stay calm today and remember that this is supposed to be a celebration of the birth of Baby Jesus.

Ghosts

Tonight was my friend Annette's 31st AA Birthday. She asked me to come to the meeting and speak for her. I called earlier tonight and told her I couldn't make it due to horrible weather and terrible driving conditions. Then I thought about it. And I got into my car and drove the 10 or so miles to the meeting. She was happy to see me, and I was sure happy to see her.

The meeting hall was nearly empty. She said from the podium "that's all right, this hall is so full of ghosts, it's just fine." Then we recalled all the guys - they were mostly men - the guys. They would be lined up against the wall, the old guys. The sages. The wonderful old men who would cut you to the quick and you wouldn't even know you had been wounded.

I am so grateful for those old days. I am so grateful for those old guys. I am grateful for wonderful people like Annette. And my sponsor. And Annette's husband. And my sponsor's husband. They are all older than me, but not by much. It is scary to watch them get older.

But how blessed I have been to have had these wonderful people in my life! How blessed I am that they are still in my life. How grateful I am for the memories of the years in Alcoholics Anonymous. It is just miraculous.

To think of me - drunken Raton Mary - now a sober woman with a fabulous hairdo, a nice car in the parking lot, and a nice home waiting for me, talking at an AA meeting, at the behest of a wonderful friend, about my life as a sober woman.

I thought I would write this tonight. I hope to sleep semi-late tomorrow and then hit the 6:30 meeting. I might not have time to write - and once my day is in full gear, I won't be thinking about the wonderful meeting tonight. And I wanted to remember it. A snowy late December night in Denver, Colorado. A meeting at a hall that used to be crowded and smoky, and now is so full of memories, it really is resplendent with ghosts.

Friday December 21

This time last year, my entire city was under several feet of snow and it was still falling. I had fallen the day before on my driveway and thought I broke my tailbone. I didn't break it, but it took six months for it to heal... but I somehow trained and ran a half-marathon with that injury~

I was up half the night with a migraine last night. I went back to sleep and slept until 6:30, and I am very slow to get moving this morning. I am not going to run this morning. I am going to head out to work, and take a long lunch to do some Christmas shopping. I hope I will get the headache to leave by then. My migraines usually last for 3 days (yes, three DAYS), but I am hopeful that this one won't.

I will have four days off of work after today. I have some knitting to do, some gifts to wrap, a couple of last minute gifts to get, and I have a book to read. I hope I will get some peaceful time in these four days. It has been a hellish experience at work lately and I am extremely tired. I have a new feature on my face - bags under my eyes. I have never had them before.

No matter what is going on this year, I always remember that my son is living 2 miles away from me, in a safe and warm apartment, with a big four wheel drive vehicle and all the fancy-schmancy electronic equipment a young man so desires. Every morning I pray for all the men and women serving this country in far-away places, and their families. I am so grateful that, for now, my son is safe and near.