Last Post of 2005!

I am grateful:
that I can go purchase a new pair of shoes when I am feeling a bit blue (so I did... they are much cuter than that picture makes them look)
that I have completed another sober year
that I have another sober year to look forward to
that my major stress at work will be over some time
that I will probably take a vacation to a beach somewhere warm when it is over
that my old friend posted a comment on my blog tonight

I am grateful that there is a fellowship of Alcholics Anonymous. I am grateful for the bloggers I have come in contact with. I think that is so so so so cool.

I am grateful for all the groups I have been a member of over the years. I am grateful for all the lovely people I have come to know and love in AA - whether or not they stayed sober or remained my friend.

I am grateful for my family. I wish my kids would get back from Yellowstone, I miss them!

I am grateful for my great niece who was born on my birthday and they named her MARY! She will be baptised tomorrow.

I am grateful that I can be a real member of my church today. There was a time when that was the last place on earth I wanted to be. Tonight, they read the name of one of my AA acquaintances in the list of the sick. I started crying when I heard that. I knew he was sick, but I guess I didn't want to believe he was THAT sick.

Happy New Year Everyone.

Are you done?

I know it is hard to give up all of the good times. The vomiting, the blackouts, the waking up finding you have wet the bed, the mornings finding that everyone is angry with you and you haven't any idea of why, the sleeping with people you shouldn't, the "forgetting" to come home, and so many more things that make up the constellation of "good times" for an alcoholic.

I have always said that it would be worth it if all I got out of sobriety was never waking up with that awful awful thought: What the hell did I do last night - and who knows? I have not woken up that way once since I have been sober.

You say "yes, I am willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along wihtout liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?"

Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most saisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.

Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 152

May 2006 be a sober year for who wish for sobriety.

Last insomnia of 2005!

I woke up at 1:00 a.m. with my brain a little bit too active. I am thinking of all the things I need to get done this weekend. And the irony is that losing sleep will make me less able to get it all done. Which makes me feel more restless and wide awake.

I have had intermittent insomnia for most of my life. When I was still drinking I had it terribly. A drink would fix it up though. My thinking was so wacked back then that I would tell myself that even the President of the United States slept at night! As if I had so many important things to think about that I might need to stay awake 24/7 just to think about them all! I was a housewife for God's sake!

I Love Thursdays

I got back from a wonderful meeting at my home group, followed by pizza with great AA fellows. Well, they are all women, but they are fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Anytime you can sit between your sponsor and your sponsee, you know everything is just A-OK. I am plugged into Alcholics Anonymous, and I know that all is well.

Today at work I was having such anxiety I spoke to my boss about it. He, being a psychiatrist, just said "hmmm. yes, I know." But later I talked with the director of nursing and she, being a psych nurse, actually talked to me. She said that my anxiety is understandable, but really not appropriate. She said I am like a conductor of an orchestra. I can conduct, that is my job. If someone isn't playing their instrument, that isn't my responsibility. Oh! That makes sense!

I need to keep this imagery foremost in my brain. I have a lot of work to get done and being anxious is just getting in the way.

Thank God for meetings, my sponsor, my sponsee, some wonderful people I work with, learning in AA how to reach out to others when I need help, learning in AA how to reach out to others when they need help, and learning how to reach out to others to help them when I need to just forget about myself for 5 minutes.

HNT?

Please be gentle with me. I am new and inexperienced.

Thanks for the invite dAAve. I have no idea how to do this. But here it is, my maiden attempt at HNT.

And now I shall go out for my run. And I will thank God I can. Then I shall go to work. And I will thank God I can. I will also thank God that I didn't get rid of all my clothes when they were too big, just most of them. Because I have a couple pairs of pants and a couple of skirts I can still squeeze on this ever enlarging body. 4 months without any extreme exercise was too long. But now I can exercise again and I can be very very grateful that I can.

Self-Portrait

I'm a little bit older now, but I am still cute.

Minerva

This is Minerva. She is a little bit older now, but she is still cute.

Friends

Yesterday I went to my old home group. It was good to be there. It was good to see some old friends. It was a wonderful surprise to see Andy walk in the door. He moved away almost 9 years ago. I have known him since he got sober - which is now almost 21 years ago. He was my boyfriend for a short while, then we managed to become very good friends after the romance didn't work. I drove to Tucson last June to pass on my 20 year chip to him.

In the last few years he has been increasingly bitter and angry, but I have always been able to deflect that and get to the human side of him. Yesterday was different. I stood and cried. We have always been polar opposites politically, but we have always been able to have lively and respectful debate and continue to be friends. Yesterday he attacked me. I was not prepared for that. I told him I would not argue with him and clearly he knew that I did not agree with him. We ended up having a cup of coffee, some fairly superficial conversation, and made a plan to go see "Brokeback Mountain" last night.

He called in the afternoon and left a message saying that he was going to take his mother out for dinner and he would catch me on his next trip to Denver. I am sad to say I was very relieved.

This is really the first time I have had an AA relationship be impacted by external things like politics. It makes me so sad.

I am a political junkie. I always have cable news on. I read a lot. But I am not going to tell you where I stand on anything polital because it doesn't have anything to do with AA. (Besides, I have another blog where I am not identified as an AA member and I trot out my political views.) The wisdom of the AA Traditions is incredible. The Tenth Tradition is so important.

I hope this doesn't sound like self-pity. I am just so sad. I just love Andy.

Christmas Gifts

I rode my bike this morning for the first time since my accident! 4 months and 6 days without a bike ride is a long time. It was so good to get on my bike. Well, actually, I dragged out my old clunky mountain bike (it was like driving your grandfather's Oldsmobile) because I am still a bit afraid of my street bike. I rode down to the park just a few miles from here and took a few pictures and just sat for a few minutes in the beautiful Christmas sunshine. What a Christmas gift.

Another gift: my 3 adult children and 2 grandchildren were all here with me yesterday. They spent a sober day with their mother. There was a time when not only had I lost custody of my children, but there was a restraining order prohibiting me from contacting them. One of my daughters called this morning to wish me a Merry Christmas and tell me what a great time they all had yesterday.

More gifts: I will be going to J & C's for Christmas dinner today. I am sure it will be a wonderful dinner because it will be with wonderful AA members.

My sponsor loved the hand knit socks I gave her for Christmas. I am so grateful to have such an incredible woman in my life.

Yesterday, sitting in the meeting, I realized that I have made a home on this side of town... 11 years later. There are so many good members of that group who have known me as part of that group since they got sober. I love my old group (on the other side of town) with people I have known since I got sober, but I feel almost as warm about the people I have known only these last 11 years.

Minerva (my cat) did not hiss at my grandchildren once yesterday - that is a big fat miracle!

And to the sober blogging community: you guys are the best! I have felt embraced by you in the last month or so and I can't tell you what it means to me. I love reading your blogs, and so look forward to the comments you post on mine. Thanks and warm wishes to all of you!

Love on Christmas from Mary Christine.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone.
I am on my way out the door to a meeting. I am happy to be going to a meeting this morning. I am happy that I decided to leave work WAY early yesterday and got my stuff done. I am happy that today will be about getting a run in, getting my nails done, cooking a little, spending a lot of family time. Playing my new RISK! game!

Here are some staying sober tips for Christmas:
Go to meetings, you may find someone who really needs what only you have to offer.
Don't go anywhere you can't leave (be able to walk away or drive away, but don't come with someone else and be dependent upon them being able to leave at the moment you are uncomfortable.)
If you are at an event where alcohol is being served, have a glass, can, or cup in your hand at all times. That way you will not be offered a drink as often, and you will always know what is in your drink.
Get "prayed up" before you go anywhere that may be tempting, upsetting, or you may have expectations about.
Read page 101 of the big book, and really ask yourself the questions posed there, then follow the directions on page 102.

"Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed."
God Bless You. Merry Christmas.

Yesterday's Run

These are pictures from my run yesterday. The sunrise was absolutely incredible. My whole little corner of the world was bathed in a pink glow.

Maybe I should explain why I am so enamored of running... Four years ago today, I had my first date with a man from my home group. He was sober for a little over 2 years and I was thrilled to go out with him. I had known him since he started going to my group. From the moment I set my eyes on him, I was just crazy about him. But it is extremely unethical for people with long term sobriety to be dating newcomers, so I behaved myself. (Although in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have dated him with even 2 years of sobriety.)

We developed a wonderful relationship. We had so much fun. He is a cowboy from the mountains of Colorado. We took trips, we panned for gold, we went away to the mountains with bunches of other crazy sober folks and had paint ball wars, we went to rodeos, state fairs, and concerts. I started listening to country music (which I still do today). I bought cowboy boots and wranglers (?!?!) My kids loved him. His family loved me. After about a year, we started talking about getting married.

At about this time, he got into an argument with his brother, and really showed him! He got drunk! He had just gotten his three year chip, and he was drunk. He tried to get sober again. He tried repeatedly. We put the marriage plans on hold, but kept seeing each other. He promised me I would never see him drunk. For almost a year he kept his promise.

But on August 18, 2003 he showed up at my house drunk. I could not get him to leave. He is 6'5" and extremely buff (yummy) and it occurred to me that what physically attracted me to him in the beginning was now something very frightening. I told him to sleep it off in my family room (away from me) and he went down there and camped out on the sofa. It was a terrible 36 or so hours until he finally left. He ruined my coffee table by spilling water (or some other clear liquid) on it and leaving it there. Anyway, he did finally leave. And when he left I asked him to leave the remote for my garage door opener and the key to the front door. And that was that. I thought I was going to die.

What has this got to do with running? Well, I decided the next day that if I did not do something drastic, I didn't know how I would get through the heartbreak. So I started running. I had while I was in my 20s and 30s, but I skipped running entirely in my 40s, and here I was in my 50s! The first day I could run for only 5 minutes, and it was downhill! After a while, I worked up to 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, I knew I could do a slow mile. Then a mile and a half, two miles, and 3 miles. I did my first triathlon in August 2004, my second (with my daughter!) in 2005, and both my daughters have said they will do the 2006 one with me.

It has been a huge help to my mental health to run, and bike, and swim. When I broke a rib in a bike accident in August (two years from the day that my drunken beloved left my house), I thought maybe I was washed up. I am so thrilled to be able to run again. I am just thrilled!

My beloved is still drunk. He has gotten sober for as long as 30 days and that is it. I don't think he has drawn a sober breath for at least 6 months now. I have seen him only 2 times since August 2003. He looks horrible. He is skinny and emaciated. I pray for him every day. He made good connections in AA and those people still keep in touch with him. In fact, he works for an AA member.

Another alcoholic legacy....

Fifty-Six Degrees!

It is 56 degrees outside. And the days are getting longer now! Woo Hoo! I am going to head out for a run. I might even try to do 2.5 miles. This is freaking exciting!

Today at work I have only one meeting. I may be able to shut my door and get some work done. Tonight I have my home group. My sponsor will be there and we will probably go have dinner after the meeting. But I really want some more borscht. I might even eat that stuff for breakfast. It was so good.

What I made for dinner

This is what I made for dinner tonight. I am so sick of candy, cookies, pies, etc., that what I really felt I had to have tonight was BORSCHT! So I bought the makings on the way home from work and cooked it up and let it simmer while I made evil toffee (see below). Oh those veggies were so good. Beet soup is the anti-candy.

Lighten up!

This is the toffee that I am sick to death of making. I made yet another batch tonight because I keep finding more people I need to give some to. This is the last batch. I hope never to see any more almond toffee!

Lighten up! That's what my sponsor told me. She said I am a very serious person. Actually I think a better adjective might be "grim". At least right now. Now, if you met me, you would think I am a riot. I am a very funny person. But the last couple of weeks have me so stressed out about work and I am beginning to get totally overwhelmed with Christmas - and I am getting a bit too serious on a regular basis. Take this morning's post for instance. I was feeling grim this morning. Well, shee - up at 3:30 a.m. so that I could make almond toffee and meringue cookies. Was too busy to run even though it was WARM (65 degrees this afternoon!)

Experience, Strength, and Hope

That's all I have to share. My experience, strength, and hope. As AA members, we are all in the same boat. The boat of trying to stay sober, one day at a time. There isn't a hierarchy of AA members. There isn't a magic day when you are cured and therefore become a counselor to all the poor unfortunates who come through the door.

Around the country, there are some differences in the way things are done within AA. One that I find varies widely is the stating of your sobriety date. Where I live, it is considered boastful to talk about how long you have been sober. I have also found that people stop listening to you when they find out you have been sober for over 20 years - because they think you have somehow graduated to that higher level of recovery that they can't relate to. So I generally keep my mouth shut about how long I have been sober.

But just for the record, I will state that I went to my first AA meeting on July 24, 1984, and I have not had a drink since then. Words cannot begin to convey what that means to me.

I can assure you that MY best efforts did not achieve this. My best efforts would have had me drunk within my first year. The fact that I am sitting here this morning, at the age of 54, in a nice clean house (that I own), writing on a nice computer, about my decades of sobriety is strictly due to the Grace of a loving God. Yes, there was and is "work" to do. But it pales in comparison to what I have been so freely given. In my wildest imaginings, I could not have dreamed up the life I have today. A little bit of going to meetings, working with others, doing some steps, helping others do some steps... that is like paying 2 cents and getting 2 million dollars.

My intention is to stay sober for the rest of my life. But I can only take care of today. I could be drunk tomorrow. But as long as tomorrow finds me taking care of that day, I should be fine.

I am so grateful for a loving God who has blessed me so abundantly. I am so grateful for AA and the wonderful friends I have had over the years. I have other non-alcoholic friends and the quality of those relationships just pales in comparison with my AA friendships. A new thing in my life is this blog and the wonderful AA bloggers I have come across. I find this so exciting. I am so grateful for the AA way of life. What a gift. Every sober day is a priceless gift.

31 Degrees!

Gosh! It is 31 degrees outside and I am going to get out there while the gettin's good and run. It is almost not freezing! This is practically a heat wave!

I am so grateful that it is a new day. I have a Christmas lunch to attend at the department I worked in for 8 years (started as administrative assistant and left as the department director). I am really grateful to them for inviting me, I have nothing to do with that department anymore and haven't for over 3 years - I am glad they still consider me at least partially a member of their department. It will be nice.

I need to run to REI and get my son the mittens he wants. Who ever heard of paying $100. for a pair of mittens!?!? But I am so glad that I can do that. There were so many years that Christmas was so painful for me because I couldn't afford to get my kids the things they wanted.

I could go on and on but the Colorado sunrise is calling to me "Mary, Mary, come out and run!"

A day

I had a day today. It was challenging. I tried to start it over several times. I closed my office door TWICE and called my sponsor. Sheesh. Thank God I am not one of those folks with over 20 years of sobriety who thinks she no longer needs a sponsor! As it is, I am a person with a little over 21 years who needs her sponsor and I thank God for her every day. When she told me today that I could start my day over again, I told her I had already started it several times, they were all bad days and I was only compounding the problem. Luckily for me, she also thought this was funny.

My sponsee came over tonight and after I listened to her - I felt better. This is the way it works for me. When I get out of my own self for even a minute, I feel better. She is in a good place right now and I am not so good. She also listened to me, which was sweet. She and her partner invited me over for Christmas dinner. (My kids come over on Christmas Eve and spend Christmas Day with their dad.) She said they are having a "lesbian dinner" and I asked what that was. When she said it was steak and baked potatoes, I was shocked! and asked her if she thought I was a secret lesbian because I LOVE steak and baked potatoes. She laughed her ass off at that!

My father's big book

Sunday Afternoon

My neighbor just came over and brought me a Christmas present. That is so nice. I think I will give her the pair of hand knit socks that I didn't know exactly who was going to get.

I have never lived anywhere long enough to get to be friends with neighbors before now. It is a real challenge for me to stay in the same place this long. I have lived in this house for 4.25 years. This is longer than I have lived anywhere since I left my parents' home in 1970. I have now been employed at the same place for over 11 years. That is a super huge challenge. Prior to getting sober I never worked in one place for longer than a year and a half.

This stuff is important for me. I am sure it isn't important to everyone. But to me, this steadiness, and this consistency are good. This morning I stood in church (a place that I would not have been caught dead in earlier in my life) and realized that I fit there. I am a member in good standing of my church. Holy Cow (sorry). There were people from work there and I got to talk to them on the way out. Which means, I am a member of my community. I live here, I work here, I go to meetings here, and I go to church here. Oh and I go to the gym here... saw a doctor from work at the gym today. Fun.

I am looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow.

Cookie Day

Oh my. It is dangerous out there. I just went to the grocery store and it is cold, snowing, icy, and road ragey. The road rage is the worst part. There was an incident in the parking lot, there was an incident on my own street (and it is a cul de sac) on the way out of here.

I need to drive 35 miles (each way) to my daughter's house and pick up my granddaughters. We are making cookies today.

I am grateful for a good car.
I am grateful for heated seats.
I am grateful for the meeting this morning.
I am grateful for pretty snow even if it is hazardous.
I am grateful for 15 degrees, that is 15 more than zero.

And I am sober today - what more could I ask?