Last night at my Thursday night meeting I found out a man I have known in AA for years died on Wednesday. After the meeting, I asked his sponsor how he died and he only said that a 54 year old body and cocaine aren't a good combination. This man has been "in and out" for years and years. Someone said that he had ten years of sobriety at one point, but I have never seen him get more than a few months strung together. He leaves a wife and two daughters. And a sponsor whose heart is broken. I could go on with what he leaves, but I will skip it because it doesn't sound very loving or kind. Tornadoes, roaring through the lives of others...
Last week I found out a man who was a very good friend when I was in my 20s and early 30s drank himself to death. I haven't seen this man in over 20 years because when I left my marriage to my kids' dad, I walked away from all of our friends. I felt I needed to because they all drank. Of all of our group back then, I would have thought that Greg was the least likely to die in such a manner. He was probably the most "successful" - he was educated, intelligent, hysterically funny, charming, and handsome. Now he is dead.
My 22nd AA birthday is on Monday. I am going to celebrate my birthday at my home group (The Morning After) next Saturday morning. My name is on the calendar. Most of my good friends are going to be out of town and my sponsor no longer lives here, so it will be different. On Monday - my actual sobriety date - I will show up at Sunrise Serenity at 6:30 a.m. and just respond to the question - "is anyone celebrating a year or multiples thereof?" I will do that at the New Life Thursday night meeting as well.
I am sure by then I will not be feeling as glum as I am right now. This disease is so lethal. That makes me incredibly grateful to be sober, but if you hang around AA for a while, you will come to love many people - many of whom will tear your heart out when they self-destruct.
"The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 83
13 comments:
I am sorry to hear about your friends. They - their families and their friends are in my thoughts and prayers.
I see you MC,
JJ
But for the grace of God~
Those are the things that keep me honest. Those people are what makes me continue to work on my sobriety. Those are the stories I need to hear to know that could be me. Thank you for sharing them. I have a bundle stashed in my head of people I know who have not made it. Keeps me ever grateful.
Hope you feel better soon ;)
(((hugs)))
G~
Those last couple of sentences say a whole lot.
Some forget. Some never know.
We are so damn lucky to have a daily reprieve.
Well let me congratulate you one day early! Happy anniversary!! I'm doing so because I am traveling all day tomorrow to SD to scout houses, schools etc.
Regarding death: I learned to become grateful for the time I had with departed ones. Every second was more than I deserved. I'll be back in a week.
I am so sorry MC. I am sending you a BIG HUG! I think your last quote says it all!
I pray you have a good day today
Mary Christine,
Moments like these, of which I have also had many, always remind me that the disease is alive and well and isn't going away anytime soon.
It will prey on my sad feelings, it will prey on my anger. It doesn't care that we care. It will continue to lie in wait, patiently. And I must continue to practice constant vigilance.
It is also at moments like these that I do my best to remind myself that these folks weren't in their right minds and ought to be forgiven. I wasn't in my right mind and I seek forgiveness. We're all equal.
Yes, it is sad. It is also real - really real... In spite of it all - God loves us! And them.
Happy Anniversary! (ok, I'm early but I have a feeling you'll make it)
Mark
So sorry to hear of this. It is frightening about a relapse after so many years. I know of one man, and he can barely get a few weeks together. I pray he will discover serenity from the slips.
You are a blessing MC!
Let us turn inward now,
As if resting by a quiet pool of water
Drinking from a cool refreshing spring that feeds it
And releasing our worries and cares for a
moment of peace.
As you experience this place
Think of those who aren't.
Send loving thoughts to those
Who lost their minds, love and years
to compulsion, addiction and fears.
Think of their great sacrifice.
We recover on the bones of others.
Wrap your loving thoughts around them: alone no more.
If you are here and recovering
Your original shining true self,
A moment of silence for those driven mad
By the voices and screams if disease-driven dreams.
We walk from night to day
On a path made of the bones of others.
Hold them tightly in the warm arms of your spirit: cold no more.
If you are here and attaining freedom,
A thousand bows for those who didn't reach this shore
And drowned in a sea of despair: suffering no more.
We walk in freedom past cages
Made from the bones of others.
They hand us the keys of desperation.
Quench their burning thirst
With the tears of your soul.
Calm their cravings.
Still their minds.
Grant them peace in the dark and lonely places
Below and above ground.
Fill the gaping holes left by their deaths
With the immensity of your love.
Remember them as you sleep;
Remember them as you wake
Only a thought is the difference
Between you and the bones of others.
--Anonymous
I am sorry. Why don't they fucken get it.
I'm with you Coffee Bitch. It just hurts so bad I want to get angry and rail against the disease. The solution is so freaking easy!
Sorry for the loss. More die than recover. But I must remember that no alcoholic dies in vain. They buy sobriety for the rest of us. Maybe they couldn't get it here on Earth, they will have sobriety in Heaven.
Thank you for sharing, I need to keep hearing that stuff because my rememberer is broken. It is painful to see others go back out, on the other hand it such a joy to see someone come in and watch them get it and start their recovery. It's a double-edged sword. It's beautiful and horribly ugly at the same time.
MC~I have dedicated many years of my life to writing about death and drugs.It has profoundly impacted my life is ways I can only share between many pages.You can sum it up
nicely in one post.I thank you for
that.Take gentle care and keep up your own awesome self care :)
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