I have just had the best bike ride of 10 miles, followed by a run of 2 miles - I did the run in 20 minutes and 57 seconds. All of this in the rain. It is a glorious morning.
I went to the Morning After Group of Alcoholics Anonymous this morning. It was good to be there. My friend Otis was celebrating 16 years of sobriety. He has not been to a meeting in probably a year, so his birthday was actually in January - this is the first meeting he has hit since the first of the year. Wow. I don't know how you do that, and I don't intend to ever find out. He said he would keep coming back now. I hope, for his sake, that he does.
I am going far more mental about my son leaving than I ever thought I would. Intellectually, I knew this would be difficult, but I thought I would be able to muddle through, one day at a time - using the kit of spiritual tools I have at my disposal. And it just reinforces what I know - which is - that what I know won't help me. This is not an intellectual exercise. So I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, suiting up and showing up, and trying to turn my thoughts to others, and keep the faith that God will hold me (and all I love) in the palm of his hand. But I must say there have been times when I have been so overwrought I have felt like I was going to jump out of my skin.
I may have to drop the biostatistics class I am auditing. I had to write the instructor yesterday and tell her that there is no way on God's Green Earth I am going to spend the last two days my son is here working on statistics homework... for a class I am not even getting a grade on. And whether I will show up tomorrow for the class remains to be seen. I just don't feel that I have much mental function left in me right now. But it is terrible for my self-esteem to quit something I said I was going to do.
Anyway, this is my way of telling on myself. I have found it is absolutely essential for me to be honest. When I tell you I am feeling fine, that is the truth, and when I am not doing so well... that is what I am going to tell you. I think it is incredibly unfair for people with long-term sobriety to give newer people the impression that there will be no problems in life as you stay sober. It simply isn't true. We do get *better* at living through these things without a drink in our hands, but sometimes it just is hard. And right now, I am having a hard time. But I am doing what I am supposed to be doing...