I have just had the best bike ride of 10 miles, followed by a run of 2 miles - I did the run in 20 minutes and 57 seconds. All of this in the rain. It is a glorious morning.
I went to the Morning After Group of Alcoholics Anonymous this morning. It was good to be there. My friend Otis was celebrating 16 years of sobriety. He has not been to a meeting in probably a year, so his birthday was actually in January - this is the first meeting he has hit since the first of the year. Wow. I don't know how you do that, and I don't intend to ever find out. He said he would keep coming back now. I hope, for his sake, that he does.
I am going far more mental about my son leaving than I ever thought I would. Intellectually, I knew this would be difficult, but I thought I would be able to muddle through, one day at a time - using the kit of spiritual tools I have at my disposal. And it just reinforces what I know - which is - that what I know won't help me. This is not an intellectual exercise. So I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, suiting up and showing up, and trying to turn my thoughts to others, and keep the faith that God will hold me (and all I love) in the palm of his hand. But I must say there have been times when I have been so overwrought I have felt like I was going to jump out of my skin.
I may have to drop the biostatistics class I am auditing. I had to write the instructor yesterday and tell her that there is no way on God's Green Earth I am going to spend the last two days my son is here working on statistics homework... for a class I am not even getting a grade on. And whether I will show up tomorrow for the class remains to be seen. I just don't feel that I have much mental function left in me right now. But it is terrible for my self-esteem to quit something I said I was going to do.
Anyway, this is my way of telling on myself. I have found it is absolutely essential for me to be honest. When I tell you I am feeling fine, that is the truth, and when I am not doing so well... that is what I am going to tell you. I think it is incredibly unfair for people with long-term sobriety to give newer people the impression that there will be no problems in life as you stay sober. It simply isn't true. We do get *better* at living through these things without a drink in our hands, but sometimes it just is hard. And right now, I am having a hard time. But I am doing what I am supposed to be doing...
10 comments:
Hang in there. I know it is difficult, but try to focus on enjoying the remaining time you have with you children. When your fears rear up in your face, push them far away. Fear of the unknown is hard to combat, but we have the tools to take it one minute at a time. Eventually it will subside.
I think you can forgive yourself for taking care of yourself.
Quit the class.
Give the attention to your son. Play that tape all the way through - will you forgive yourself if you neglect him?
appreciate your honesty, always
this is a week of suiting up and showing up for me. Without my spiritual rituals--I am completely lost, so I thank God for what keeps me on the path and somewhat spiritually fit. Somedays its an hour at a time when I can't 'do' a whole day.
keep on handing your son to God--he's His anyway...
MC, thanks for sharing so honestly.... it is really easy to hide, especially online.. I too share exactly where I am... I have and will continue to pray for you and your son. I wish I could say something to help you feel better, but I know all I can do is pray and offer my love and support, as you have done for me/us online.
peace to you!
Yes, but the good times far outweigh the bad in sobriety. We did not have the toolkit at our disposal before AA. The toolkit is what saves us from ourselves. Actually a prayer of mine..."God, save me from my own nonsense" helps me a lot in tough situations as they generally get me thinking. Thinking for me is not a good thing most of the time. So I mediate and pray a lot, so my pea brain can't start off somewhere on it's own.
Thanks for being honest! As a newcomer I'm grateful and relieved when oldercomers share their struggles too. Blessings to you and your son!
I've been reading your blog for several months now. I have 143 days sober today. You are an inspiration to me. Thanks for sharing even the difficult times with us. That's what keeps it real. I appreciate the efforts of your son to defend our country.
I don't even know what to say. I can not even pretend to understand what it is like to have a son go. Mine is only ten. I hope if faced with it I will have your experience, strength and hope with me.
On the honesty I so agree. It really is important that people understand life problems continue. We just become more practiced at staying sober through them.
God Bless you and your son
Anonymous, Thanks for sharing. Congrats on the 143 days. That is awesome. Thanks so much, you have just made my day. I hope someday maybe you will get a blog so we can all visit you...
Mary I will be praying for the two of you. I hope to be in Denver in a few days I
will be calling you.
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