Sunday, April 30, 2006

Sunday Afternoon

What a wonderful day I have had! First I went to an AA meeting at the Morning After Group. I decided during the meeting that I need to declare that my home group again. It is where my old buddies are. It is where people who have known me since I got sober are. It is where people I have known since they got sober are. There is good AA there - there is always crap with any group, but over all, I think this is a healthy group - and I belong there!

Then I took a hike up Green Mountain. Pictures are posted at my photo blog. Go have a look if you have a second.

I went to a play with my daughter this afternoon. It was nice to spend some time with her.

Plumbing update: yesterday while I was taking the industrial strength carpet dryer back to the rental place, my water heater started leaking again. When I got home, I had another flood on my hands. I did cuss this time. The plumber tried to sell me a bill of goods and I didn't buy. I opted to have him replace the valve that went out... and not the rest of the hundreds of dollars worth of crap he said I needed. This is when I really miss having a manly man in my life. (well, it isn't the only time.) The manly man drunken cowboy former boyfriend said he would come over and look at all this stuff tomorrow. He is out of town right now. Oh, Lord, help me with this, please.

Happy end of your weekend everyone...

Saturday, April 29, 2006


"A little meditation on the word forgive can throw some rather surprising light on our understanding of the word.

We are asked to forgive those who have injured us. Unless we have first judged and condemned them for what they did, there would be no reason for us to forgive them. Rather we would have to forgive ourselves for judging.

Scripture says: 'Judge not that ye be not judged.' If we do judge-no matter how great the injury or how premeditated-we are at fault. Following this train of thought to its logical conclusion, we see that we can forgive only ourselves. In doing so, we also forgive the person whose action we have resented."
One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p. 120, April 29.

I love this book. I am not an Al-Anon member, but I used to be. I certainly qualify since nearly everybody I love is an alcoholic. Most of them, thankfully, are sober.

If I had unlimited time, I would attend Al-Anon meetings. But as it is, I don't have much spare time, so when I have time for a meeting, it better be an AA meeting. I am very clear on the fact that I have a daily reprieve from a deadly killer. Contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Part of that maintenance is going to meetings and being part of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

What a wonderful way of life it is. It is not a walk in the park every single day, but it is a wonderful way of living. No matter what happens, I know that I can get through it, usually with some grace, a smile, some humor, and some joy.

My house is drying out. The most soaked part of the carpet downstairs is now dry. I have the industrial strength fan in the bedroom now. It still smells funky. I hope it will be warm enough today to have the windows open and get air flowing through the house and get the funk out.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Waiting for hot water

This morning when I ran my water for coffee, I realized it was only getting warm, not hot. So I went downstairs and checked the water heater and it seems the plumber turned it down to "low". I have not a clue how long it takes a tank of warm water to turn hot, but hopefully it will be by the time I fill up my bathtub.

My sponsee said she would come over today and bring an industrial strength fan and would lift up my carpet downstairs to get it all dry. I can't miss another day of work, so I will go to work. It is very nice of her to do this.

I am glad to be a sober person in this world. Just living through the challenges that others seem to be able to face without a problem. Thankfully my reactions seem to be more "normal" today.

Thursday, April 27, 2006


picture of me taking a picture of me.... where does all this vanity end?!?

Last night when I got home from work, I noticed a funky odor in my basement - like maybe there was a load of soaking wet towels in the washer that I had forgotten about for, say, a month. I could not find the source of the odor and got on with what I needed to do. What I needed to do was turn on my sprinkler system so that I could put flags on the sprinkler heads for the guy who was coming over to aerate my lawn... so I went to turn on my sprinkler system and instead seemed to open up a geyser on the side of my house. hmmmm. I shut the valves back off and I will get that fixed....sometime....hmmmm.

This morning, after taking the above photo, and while walking out the door to take a run, I noted the above mentioned odor again. I decided to look in the little closet that the furnace and hot water heater are in, and voile'! I have found the source of the odor! My hot water heater has leaked to the point that my carpet is soaked all the way down the hall and into the bedroom.

So, here is the good news. I actually can call a plumber (which I have already done) and can write a check to pay him (unless it is catastrophic, which I doubt) and probably will be at my desk by noon.

The other good news (I hope) is that this is now three things. 1. My garage door broke earlier this month. 2. My sprinkler system is broken, which I am not going to fix right at this very moment. 3. And my hot water heater has a problem. So this is all, right?

Oh, and I did take a run and it is a glorious morning.

Here is one more thing. Thanks to this program and learning to live life on life's terms one day at a time for 21+ years, I don't have to go mental over any of this. No tears, no screaming, no cussing.... that is truly a miracle.

Thanks to all you sober people for teaching me to live this way.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

No ideas

I am feeling rather dull this morning. Yesterday I did not feel well at all and didn't go to work. If there was nothing on my calendar, I might stay home again today. However, there are a couple of things I have to do today, so I will go do them. It is a good thing that I need to go.

I am not going to run this morning because it is 31 degrees. 31 in January is fine. 31 in the last week of April stinks. I am charging up my I-pod right now so that I can take it with me to the gym - I will run on my lunch break.

I just have no concepts, no wit, no great ideas this morning.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Tuesday update

It looks like my lilac is going to be OK. The newly sprung leaves on the ash tree in front of my house look pretty dead. This happens almost every year.

Sober Chick - I can't get your blog anymore. I get an error message about Active X controls, and then thrown out of internet explorer entirely each time I try to see your blog. I miss you!

Monday, April 24, 2006

April Snow

My lilac bush tonight - that is snow. SNOW. I just covered it with a tarp and hope it won't be crushed and that it won't freeze.
My lilac bush yesterday. So full of promise...

I will post more photos on my photo blog in case anyone is interested in my horticultural woes.

Let me give some perspective on why this stuff is so thrilling to me. As most of you know, at about 4 and a half years of sobriety, I had a "meltdown". I lost everything - but not my sobriety, so it really was OK. I "lived around" during the following 5 years. I never stayed anywhere longer than 6 months. I even traveled about Canada from Abbotsford BC to a small town in Alberta and another small town in Saskatchewan- in my 1979 Audi, with a cat carrier containing my cat and her litter box in the back seat. I actually had a hanging plant in that car for a while. Eccentric? Moi? (I use the french because I was, after all, amoung francophones in Canada.) (another paranthetical here... this is why I always use American English now - the spelling of "amoung" with the "u" above was deliberate) Oh, but I digresss.....

After a few years of this life, I yearned to own a home and know where I was when I woke up in the morning without thinking. I wanted to be able to find the bathroom without a light. AND, I wanted to plant tulips in the ground in the fall and be still there in the spring to see them pop up through the ground.

So I am now approaching 5 years in this house. I have never lived anywhere this long - not since I was a child. I have planted tulips and watched them come up 5 times now. I planted this lilac bush last spring and was delighted to see it thrive in my yard. I love lilacs.

And you know what? I could leave this house today if God decided to plant me somewhere else... But I do like the tulips and lilacs.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

It's been a great weekend

I went swimming this morning and did one kilometer without a problem. It was really enjoyable. I went to my daughter's this afternoon and we took a nice long bike ride. She is getting stronger all the time. I think the triathlon training is coming along, and we do have three months left to train... We also all went out for lunch at (evil) McDonald's. Daughter, son-in-law, two beautiful granddaughters and me. Sitting at the "play place". It was fun to watch the kids play.

Sunday Evening. This is how I tell how much I like my life. My gut tells me. If on Sunday Evening I have a stomach ache thinking about going to work tomorrow, there is probably something wrong. But I don't have a stomach ache. I feel fine.

Tomorrow I have to give a quarterly report to the Governing Body and it does frighten me, but I will be fine. They invariably ask questions I can't answer, but at least I don't try to make up shit to sound or look good.

Which I learned in AA. Not to try to sound or look good. I learned to tell the truth in Alcoholics Anonymous. In my years of sitting around AA meetings, sitting around AA gatherings, and sitting around kitchen tables, I have grown to trust the wonderful sober people God has chosen to be in my life. In the short time I have been blogging, I have grown to trust my fellow sober bloggers and I am so impressed by the quality of their caring, humor, gentleness, and respect. We share our experience strength and hope. That's all we have got to give each other. And it is the most precious gift there is.

Thank you to my sober blogging friends. I appreciate you.

Saturday, April 22, 2006


I love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. It has been a great couple of days with my sponsor and her husband being here. Went out for dinner after the meeting on Thursday. It is glorious to sit with my sponsee and my sponsor and know that all is well - I just fit somewhere in the mix, neither the top of the pile or the bottom. Just a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Yesterday when I got home from work, Maureen and Tony and Peter were here. For someone who has lived alone for a long time, this is a pretty neat experience. We went out for chinese and sat in the restaurant and talked and laughed and it was just so normal and so fun.

Sitting next to a man was so nice, I really thought about the fact that I have not been on a date for very close to a year. It was the first weekend in May last year - and I went to church with a man! That was our first and only date.

My last serious relationship was such a disastrous fiasco I am really scared. And this isn't even the drunken cowboy who I still love so much. After him there was a man who seemed to be perfect. He was 15 years sober (I had 20 at that time), he was very active in AA, and very spiritual. Very handsome. Very tall. Had a masters degree (just like me!) And we fell madly in love. We had the approval of our groups, our friends and our sponsors. Within 2 months, I had a diamond ring on my left hand. It only stayed there for 6 days. Six days. In Six Days he turned into a lunatic. Screaming at me. Acting insane. Told me the TV was talking to him, etc. I RAN FOR MY LIFE. And I no longer trust my judgment.

It might be time to come out of my self-induced seclusion. I will be praying about this. I want only God's will. Really. It was just so nice to sit next to Peter at the restaurant last night, it really made me think.

Gosh, this post sure isn't what I intended for it to be. Once again, on the weekend, low readership... probably a good thing to spill my guts over the weekend.

Friday, April 21, 2006


It's Friday Morning. The birds are singing. My sponsor and her husband are asleep downstairs. Life is good.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


Baby Feet. My granddaughters on a warm spring evening, playing on their swingset. And here comes Nana, "let me take a picture of your feet!" They were kind enough to pause their play, and pose their feet for their Nana.

My sponsor and her husband are coming today! They are staying here! I am so excited. It is sad that they are coming for Peter's Dad's funeral, but good that they are coming. It will be so good to see my sponsor. We are going to my homegroup tonight and then out for pizza. Yay. Just like the good old days!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

200th Post

This is my 200th post. I started this blog in September 2005. I thought it was probably temporary. I wanted to talk to another blogger about being an alcoholic and I didn't want that on my other blog. So I started this one. The conversation with the other blogger quickly dried up, and I was left with this blog and didn't do much with it other than post once or twice a week. On November 28, Ms. Trudging found me and the rest is history. To be welcomed into this fold of sober bloggers has been really an amazing thing. I can't begin to say how grateful I am.

My friend Peter's dad died yesterday. Peter is the other shadow on my profile picture. I called him yesterday and we talked for a while. We were both crying. Sharing about our dads and their deaths. Say a prayer for him if you have a minute, OK? Thanks.

Wow. Writing this, I decided to look for something from "As Bill Sees It" - I have my father's copy... only his is called "the AA Way of Life" because that is what it used to be called. Somehow in all the years since my dad's death, I have never seen something that is tucked in the pages of this book. Wow. It is just a nice something clipped out of the New York Times... on the other side is an article about President Nixon's landmark welfare reform plan. I feel that I have just touched my dad.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tuesday AM

Update #1: I owed about half as much on my taxes as I thought. I forgot about adding in my state taxes on my itemized deductions. So, I wrote the check and thanked God that I could.

Update #2: I spoke with my neighbors about the UMOs (unidentified mammiliam objects) on my trail yesterday and we agreed they were most likely elk. I didn't think there were elk so close to the city, but I have been told elk have been spotted around here before. They are BIG.

This morning it is windy and I don't feel like dealing with it (and I am probably a bit traumatized from yesterday's run), so I am going swimming after work. The triathlon is less than 4 months away and I am not where I want to be in my training. But I will get there.

I am trying to plan a trip to Savannah, Georgia in June. Two of my brothers' birthdays are on June 23. One of them is having a collective birthday party for all three of my brothers, and my nephew. I hate to be ungracious (I will anyway) but I hate to spend this kind of money for a weekend trip. I could have taken a friggin' cruise for what this trip is going to cost me. However, when my oldest brother is 68, the other ones are 67, and 65 - and my sister is 60 - I better go. And I will stop complaining about it - honest, I will. Really. I will stop talking about the astronomical airfare and the expensive hotel room and the other ridiculous amounts of money. Really. And I won't begrudge buying them all presents. I will be gracious and generous and uncomplaining. Really I will.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Tax Day

I need to do my taxes over my lunch break. Procrastinater? Me? Well, I have to pay and I didn't want to, so I waited until the last possible moment. I actually figured them out about a month ago, but I don't have it all wrapped up and ready to go... particularly the writing the check part. I will do it today.

Had a great run this morning, but about 2 miles into it, I looked ahead and saw 2 very large mammals in my path. YIKES. I don't even know what the heck they were, but they were big and they had horns. I ran off my trail and onto the road so that I would be visible to more people should I be attacked by some unknown beast - and I turned around. So what should have been a 3 mile course turned into a 4 mile course. I didn't run the whole thing, so this took a long dang time. Now it is after 8, and I am sitting here with wet hair and no make-up, and blogging. I better kick it in the butt and get out of here!

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Easter

Look at the PINK TULIPS that managed to bloom this morning! What a wonderful gift.

I am so grateful that I am alive and sober and able to be a part of a community and family today. By the Grace of God and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Rainy Saturday Morning

Oh, the beautiful aroma coming through my window! Wafting through the lace curtains is the smell of rain falling. I love the spring. I will spend today getting ready for my family to have Easter dinner here tomorrow. This is my idea of heaven.

"Who can render an account of all the miseries that once were ours, and who can estimate the release and joy that the later years have brought to us? Who can possibly tell the vast consequences of what God's work through A.A. has already set in motion?

And who can penetrate the deeper mystery of our wholesale deliverance from slavery, a bondage to a most hopeless and fatal obsession which for centuries possessed the minds and bodies of men and women like ourselves?" - As Bill Sees It, p. 163

Friday, April 14, 2006

The Painters are Here!

I am having the trim on my house painted today. This is so freaking exciting. I have lived in this house for almost 5 years. About 6 months after I moved in I realized that the paint around the windows was a little shabby. Obviously, it has not gotten better in 5 years.

Having been a renter most of my life, I have a hard time coughing up money to do stuff to my house. It seems to me that as long as I make my mortgage payment, all that other stuff should just somehow magically take care of itself. I decided that this year I have to do some stuff to my house, and the trim painting is the first thing.

I took today off work. Having gone to Catholic Schools for most of my 18 years of formal education, it just doesn't seem right to me to work on this day, so I usually don't. So, here I sit, lady of leisure, eating my special K, having just taken my shower, after my morning run... planning my day around my painters. This is cool.

You may wonder why this is such a big deal to me... let me tell you. At about 4 and a half years of sobriety, I had a meltdown. I ended up without my job, without my home, without my kids, without much of anything... except for my sobriety. Which I ultimately realized was EVERYTHING. All that other stuff I was so invested in was really secondary to my sobriety. Anyway, I spent the next five years kicking around, never living anywhere for longer than 6 months at a time, never being gainfully employed. Never having any stability. I think I needed to do that, (especially how involved I got in AA at that time) but I also think it gave me a greater appreciation of the "things" that sobriety brings.

I do appreciate the material things, but I do not let them rule me. I like my house, but if I needed to go, I could go. I like my car - probably a little bit too much. I like my job most of the time, but it doesn't define who I am.

The real gifts are intangible. Peace of mind in the midst of turmoil. Love for the unlovable. Joy at tiny moments. Ability to turn our most painful and tragic experiences into something that helps another. Etc., Etc.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

fAAvorite skirt

I love this skirt. It is silk and feels so feminine and pretty.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Wednesday Evening

I have been feeling sick! I got home yesterday and wrote my little post and laid down on the couch, covered myself with a wool afghan and still shivered. This morning I didn't think I could get up, but I had stuff I had to do at work today, so I took some motrin and went back to bed, and managed to get up and get to work just a bit late.

Right now I feel better than I have in a day and a half. I am confident that I will be fine again tomorrow. (I hope.)

Whenever I get sick I can't help but reflect on all the times I was deathly ill from drinking. The thought of an 18 year old me, pretty little girl, puking her guts out, shitting at the same time with disastrous results, laying in bed shaking shaking and shaking... all the time thinking "next time I won't drink so much." Next time. Next time. I tried to get it right the next time for years and years. I might as well have been standing in front of a freight train - asserting my control over it. The disease of alcoholism is more powerful than a locomotive!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Southern Colorado

I took a trip to a certain small city in Southern Colorado today. Anyone who has been to this city would probably not be anxious to go back or to see pictures. But I was armed with my camera and took pictures... which I will, of course, post on my photo blog. It made the day more interesting. I have never ever stopped to take a picture of Pikes Peak, but I did today to share with my sober blogging buddies.

I only need to take this trip for work about once a year. I am overly, overly, overly attached to my job being approximately 11 minutes from my home to my desk. An easy bike ride. An easy bus ride if I feel like it. It is comfortable.

Today while driving, I recalled many drunken trips between Denver and Raton, New Mexico where I lived for 6 years. It is funny, I could recall, almost feel and taste that kind of headachey buzz from starting to drink WAY too early in the day, and trying to do something like drive to and from the airport. Funny the memories that come. I am grateful that today I am a sober woman, gainfully employed, and a productive member of society.

Monday, April 10, 2006


I am going to post now. Probably shouldn't. I am feeling put-upon. Put out. Used. It is all bullshit of course. I work for a living. The key word there is WORK. It is not supposed to be "play". It is supposed to be work and that is why they pay me for it.

I got to work early this morning and then had to stay late, which isn't all that unusual, but didn't sit well with me today. Then it dawned on me that I need to be AT work by 6:00 a.m. tomorrow to get into a crappy car and drive 120 miles to where I need to be by 8:30 a.m.

Just writing this makes me want to erase it. It wasn't that long ago that I was so grateful to just be gainfully employed. I would have gladly welcomed a trip to a city 120 miles away. And would have relished a ride in an automobile with insurance and a valid registration!

It just takes looking at it from a different perspective. I just talked about this with my sponsee (she was surprised to hear me being this pissy - thank God it is unusual enough for her to be surprised) and my neighbors and I didn't see it from another perspective. But writing it down does it for me. That is why I do a WRITTEN 10th Step inventory. It is different to write it down.

Speaking of which, I better get ready to end my day, and write my 10th step inventory, and get myself to bed so that I can be up at 4:00 a.m.

Back to Work

Another week begins. I am hopeful it will be better than last week. Last week was very difficult. But I am making progress. I am getting used to my son not being around. He called yesterday and sounds good. I am now used to not having my cat. My sponsor and her husband will be coming and staying here for a weekend later on this month.

I took a bike ride with my problem child yesterday. It was so good to see the sunshine in her blonde hair and see her smile the simple smile of being out in the fresh air and doing something physical. I gave her my old mountain bike and she was thrilled with it. We decided to color Easter eggs later on this week. It will be an excuse for me to come over and see my precious grandbabies. They will be here for Easter which will be wonderful.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Palm Sunday

I am heading over to my daughter's house to color Easter eggs with the grandkids. This should be fun. We are also taking a bike ride. I put on my bike riding outfit for warm weather (it is 70 degrees outside) and what a shock to see what the winter has done to my body! Oh dear. I did take a run this morning and will take a bike ride this afternoon, but I don't think there is an exercise on earth that will undo the kind of eating I have been doing lately. Must Stop That!

Saturday, April 08, 2006


of my saturday morning at my photo blog.

Saturday April 8

I woke this morning and wanted to get out of bed for the first time in 2 weeks. Let me be quick to add that I have been getting out of bed and getting on with my life even though I didn't want to. But this morning I woke up the way I usually do. I woke up thinking about all that I WANT to do. Not all that I need to do, or have to do, but what I WANT to do.

It is almost light outside. I think I can get a decent run in before I get back home and just spruce up a touch and drive across town to get to the Morning After group.

Maybe I will drag my camera around with me today and take some pictures to update my photo blog... I can't even tell whether it is sunny or cloudy yet today. It is only 32 degrees, I do know that. But once you get running, 32 can feel pretty hot.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Rainy Friday Morning

It is pouring rain outside. That is a very good thing. I can see my grass greening up before my very eyes. And my pregnant tree in the front yard looks like she is about to give birth to about a million little leaves.

I was up for a while in the night and then slept too late this morning. So, it is almost 7:30 a.m., I should be leaving for work, and I am sitting here at my computer - gazing at the rain - in my jammies. I must get going.

" When trouble comes, do not say: "Why should this happen to me?" Leave yourself out of the picture. Think of other people and their troubles and you will forget about your own. Gradually, get away from yourself and you will know the consolation of unselfish service to others. After a while, it will not matter so much what happens to you. It is not so important any more, except as your experience can be used to help others who are in the same kind of trouble." Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

hAAppy socks!

I did have a hAAppy run this morning. It is a beautiful morning. 40 degrees and sunny. The birds are singing and some flowers are in bloom. The trees are heavy with buds - which always reminds me of being pregnant.

Yesterday was a better day. But when I did my 10th step inventory last night, I found that I had indulged in some gossip that I do not feel good about. I will need to nip that in the BUD!

I spoke with my ex-husband last night for 2 hours on the phone. He is in Los Angeles (his home is in Thailand) and would like very much if I would come to visit him for a weekend. Oh dear.

I pray that today will continue to be better.

"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." As Bill Sees It, p. 3

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


My dear friend has just started a recovery blog. I have known him since I got sober. He helped me immensely in my first 5 or 6 years of sobriety - before he moved away. Oh, I am so excited! Please take a second to visit my friend.

Trudging's Sobriety Date

Today is Trudging's 16th Birthday!

We just keep coming back - no matter what.

I remember when I was new people used to say "Just don't drink, even when your ass falls off, just don't drink." I thought that was a bunch of crap. Who ever heard of a person's ass falling off??? Well, when my ass fell off, I gathered it up with me and took it to a meeting.

Last night I slept with the heat off and the window open just a touch. I woke to the song of birds. That is a good thing. I am hopeful that today will be better than yesterday. I am going to put my bike rack on my car and ride home from work tonight. I am still a bit afraid of going downhill (after a bike accident last August) - the ride TO work is mostly downhill. The ride home is mostly UPhill. So, that will be good.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Priveleged to Communicate

"Everyone must agree that we A.A.'s are unbelievably fortunate people; fortunate that we have suffered so much; fortunate that we can know, understand, and love each other so suprememly well.

These attributes and virtues are scarecely of the earned variety. Indeed, most of us are well aware that these are rare gifts which have their true origin in our kinship born of a common suffereing and a common deliverance by the grace of God.

Thereby we are privileged to communicate with each other to a degree and in a manner not very often surpassed among our nonalcoholic friends in the world around us." - As Bill Sees It, p. 231

I am really struggling. Having been sober for a little while (21 years, 8 months, 11 days - thank you God) I have experienced these times before. The good thing about this accumulated experience is that I know I will be OK. Really, all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other, do the next right thing, don't pick up a drink, do pick up the phone, do pray everyday, try to turn my thoughts to others, and have faith that this will pass and that after it does I will have this experience to share with my wonderful fellows in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Thank God it's Monday

I get to go back to work this morning! I get to see people and talk to people! I get to do productive things! I get to answer my phone when it rings! I get to use the new purple, pink, and turquoise pens I bought this weekend! And, I have a lunch date with someone I am coaching in a leadership thing at work!

Today I am truly grateful for the structure that my job brings to my life.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Sunday Morning

Just thought I would add a spring-y picture for cheer.

I just got home from a meeting of the Morning After Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was my home group for years, and truth be told (which it always is eventually), it is more my home group than what I currently call my home group. It was good to be there.

Yesterday was just plain hard. I kept forgetting that my cat was no longer here. It is a sick feeling to realize she is gone. I went to the grocery store which is my habit on Saturday morning, and realized I am not calling my son to find out what he wants for dinner tomorrow. I was crying in the produce section of the grocery store - I miss him so much it hurts physically. When I went to Home Depot, I walked through the painting section and started crying there - my recently deceased friend Eddie was a painter and it just hit me that Eddie is gone when I walked by the painters caps, overalls, etc. It was just that kind of day.

But I can thank God that I am capable of feeling love and feeling loss as well as joy. I don't like feeling bad, but I can be grateful that I can feel bad without going off the deep end and getting drunk or needing to call the suicide hot line.

And more good news is that yesterday I thoroughly cleaned my house. It looks so nice. No more cat hair. I actually know how to replace screens, so I will be doing that on all my windows - the screens are all clawed up.... and today my daughter is going to come over and take me to Home Depot to get a new screen door - it will fit in her Blazer. Maybe I'll take her out for lunch. Maybe I'll take pictures of lunch!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

April Fool

I no longer have a cat in my home. After driving from shelter to shelter yesterday morning, I finally got one to accept Minerva. It was a sad thing. I left the shelter crying like a little baby. And then went to work...

When I got home, my garage door wouldn't open. I tried every device, the one in my car, the keypad on the side of the door, and then finally, the switch inside the garage. To no avail. Thank God for my next door neighbor. She came over and diagnosed the problem. Part of the mechanism is broken. I should be able to get that fixed without getting a second mortgage.

I am also grateful that I no longer have the automatic reactions I used to have to everything. I did not sit in my car last night and think about drinking, suicide, homicide, or even scream "F*#&@!!!" at the top of my lungs. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Now I am going swimming. Have a great weekend everyone.